The Ones Left Behind
by scatteredlight
Summary: Life in Tree Hill after HS graduation. Haley's POV. Complete.
1. Keep Me In Your Heart For Awhile

A/N: Well, hello, all! I'm new to OTH fanfic, but I have a few other fics under my belt at other venues. Anyhow, now that I've bored you with that completely irrelevant info, I just want to say I own nothing. I also want to ask for reviews (I will commence shameless begging if necessary!) because reviews help me gauge interest and pairing ideas. Yes, I will base pairings on audience reactions. So, review, review, review!

**Chapter One –_ Keep Me In Your Heart For Awhile  
_**  
_If I leave you it doesn't mean I love you any less, Keep me in your heart for awhile. Warren Zevon_

June, 2010 – Graduation Day

We were the ones left behind. None of us were really great friends with each other before – okay at best, in fact, but circumstance has made us such now. And it's good. I love these two, and I love that I have them in my life. I cherish these relationships more than any of the others I have right now.

If you had told me four years ago that I'd end up here, with these two as my rocks, I might've laughed. It just didn't make sense that the three of us could form a bond like this, not when we have so little in common.

But here we are, graduating from college today, all together. Just like we'd decided we would three years ago, after one year at Tree Hill Community College. We'd decided we'd all go to the same college to finish their degree, and lo and behold, we did.

If I hadn't known these are the two, possibly the only two, that I could count on before, I would now, I would today.

June, 2006 - Graduation

"So, here we are," Nathan smiles, "I'm actually graduating, thanks to you. Can you believe it?"

I smile cheekily back at him. "Of course I can believe it. Who am I if not Haley James wonder tutor?"

He laughs, and it makes me a little sad, a little more empty feeling. He's leaving at the end of the summer for college in Connecticut, and we've already decided that it would be in both of our best interests to break up instead of trying the long distance thing. Easier in the long run, or something, I'm still not sure. But it was my idea, and I have to stand by it, even though I know it is going to hurt like hell, for both of us.

"You're a lot more than just that, Haley J, and you damn well know it. You know, you should take that scholarship at Boston U, it's a lot closer to Connecticut. And me," he adds meaningfully as he nuzzles my neck.

"Oh, Nathan," I sigh, melting into his embrace, "If there was any way I could swing the tuition and room and board that the scholarship and financial aid didn't cover, I would. There's just no way." The hopelessness I feel is evident in my voice.

"Well, maybe we should reconsider that whole breaking up at the end of summer thing. Come on, Haley J, maybe it won't be so bad. We're both tough, maybe we could make it work."

I smile at his use of his nickname for me. "Nate, you won't even be able to come at Thanksgiving or Christmas - you'll have basketball. And in the summer, you'll probably end up staying there for summer practices. It's just, well, it doesn't make sense."

"No," he argues, "What doesn't make sense is ending the best thing that has ever happened to me. That doesn't make sense. But trying my damnedest to hold on to you – that makes all kinds of sense."

These last few months have been the most bittersweet of my life. It hurts to breathe sometimes, but Nathan is going out of his way to make things as great as possible, to cram in as many memories as we possibly can before he leaves for U-Conn in August. And it is sweet and beautiful, but it is wrenching my heart right out of my chest, too.

"I love you, Nathan," I tell him seriously. He nods. "That's what makes this so damn hard." I know exactly what he means. I nod, and turn away, until able to meet his eyes any longer. I'm a little surprised when everyone around me stands up, and I realize belatedly that graduation is over. Letting go of my worries, I throw my cap in the air with the rest of my friends, laughing as Nathan twirls me around in his arms.

"Happy graduation," I tell him with a smile, dropping a kiss on his cheek. "Back atcha, Haley J." Once the pandemonium dies down a little, I find myself in a little group with Nathan, Lucas, Peyton, and Jake. They're the four people I'm closest to, and it's great to spend this day with all of them. We've been through a lot together, and in some ways it is amazing that we'd ended up here, all together still.

"We're partying tonight, right?" Jake grins, waggling his eyebrows at all of us, "I hear Tim is throwing some big blowout or something."

The rest of us groan, having experienced enough of Tim's parties to last a lifetime. Of course, we all know we'll be there, but still.

"I think I can manage to put in an appearance," Peyton grins, tugging on Luke's belt. "What about you?"

"Let's cut the bullshit," Nathan interjects, "We all know that we'll all be there."

Lucas laughs and pounds fists with Nathan. Peyton winks at me, and I can tell she's also marveling at how amazing it is that those two actually get along well enough to do guy things like pound fists. Even Jake has a small smile on his face that indicates to me he gets how huge of a change this has been.

"Okay, you sappy freaks, let's go take do the pretty and pose for pictures. You know the parental units are going to be after us for tons, so we may as well get it out of the way," Peyton points out.

We all trudge off and find our various parents. We take turns posing in every imaginable combo of the five of us, and then Jake grabs Jenny, and we all start posing again. Peyton and I have both become sort of surrogate mothers to Jenny, and I know we are both missing her already, knowing that she will be moving to South Carolina with Jake when he goes to school.

"Mama!" she cries when Lucas passes her to me. We all laugh and I kiss her on top of her head. She's been calling me 'Mama' for the past year and a half, no matter how many times Jake and everyone tries to convince her my name is Haley.

"Hey, Jenny Benny, smile for the camera!" She turns at the sound of Karen's voice and smiles her big toothy smile.

When our parents are convinced we've posed for enough pictures, they let us go, Jake's parents taking Jenny with them.

"What next?" Nathan asks, slinging an arm over my shoulder. I smile widely at him, snuggling into his embrace.

Luke grins. "If we're going to be partying tonight, we might as well get an early start. You know Tim and his group are probably on their way over there right now. Why don't we go for it, too?"

"Let's go," I smile, and they all let out a little cheer, knowing I'm still the one the most reticent to partying, especially all day and night.

"No, no, first Hales and I are going to my place and changing. I have ratty shorts on under this gown, and knowing Hales, she probably has sweat shorts or something." I laugh and blush; her description is spot-on.

She grabs my hand and we head off. "Okay, Haley James, tutor extraordinaire, we are going to be the hottest, most gorgeous chicas at the party. We are talking short skirts and tube tops. "

"You know what? Let's do it. Let's get hot, and let's get the jaws hitting the floor," I reply, feeling wild and happy and carefree, even willing to express it through my clothes.

"This is gonna be fun!" Peyton raves.

And I think she's right – it will be fun.

When Pey and I finally show up at the party, things are in full swing. Brooke is there, on the porch, scowling at Peyton as we make our way up to the door.

"Hey Brooke," Peyton tries.

Brooke ignores her, turning to me. "Hey Tutor Girl."

"Hey Tigger," I offer back, although I feel bad for Pey. Peyton has tried for the last two years to get Brooke to be her friend again, but Brooke never budged after Peyton and Luke started hanging out again.

"You look hot – scouting for new boys already?" I know she's joking, but it still hurts to be reminded that there will be a point when I'll have to do exactly that.

"Tigger, Nathan isn't gone yet, and he's all I need for now," I retort, wincing at how lame it sounds. She just laughs and Peyton drags me past her into the house.

"Hales! Pey!" Jake shouts as we walk in the door. He tosses each of us a beer, which Peyton takes and sets down.

I look at her questioningly. "Oh, no. It's hard alcohol tonight, Hales. We're getting hammered, we're having fun, and we aren't screwing around with beer."

When she links her arm through mine I just laugh and walk along with her to the kitchen. We pour ourselves drinks – when she thinks I'm not looking, Peyton adds a healthy splash of rum to my screwdriver, but I play along and take the drink with me. It's the last day of school, and this is probably the last huge party we'll all be at. I'm all for getting drunk tonight.

As we finish slamming our drinks back, Nathan, Lucas, and Jake come into the kitchen. "Hey boys, what's your poison?" Peyton asks as she fixes more for the two of us.

"Just beer for me," Nathan mumbles as he pulls me into his arm. "Hey baby. I was missing you."

"Missed you, too," I reply, giving him the best kiss I've got. I pull away and twirl. "You didn't even comment on my outfit," I pout, pretending to be injured that he didn't notice how short and tight the skirt is and how close to being a bra the shirt is.

"You know you're gorgeous, and I love seeing you in anything or nothing at all. I'm just hoping for nothing by the end of the night."

"Why, Mr. Scott, are you flirting with me?" I bat my eyelashes at him. "Only you," he promises with his eyes as well as his words.

"Nathan, don't, okay? Not tonight. Let's just forget for one night that at the end of the summer everything is changing."

He sighs as he peels a little of the label off his beer bottle. "Haley J, you ask the impossible of me, you know that? It's killing me to think of how much things are going to change in three months, and here you are, asking me to pretend like everything is fine and it always will be."

Now I feel bad. "I'm sorry, I just thought that it would be nice if we could not worry about that for five minutes. It hurts too much to think about constantly, and I love you too much to spend a day like this with you hurting."

He walks away from me without a word – I can't remember the last time he did that. I grab my drink and follow slowly behind him. "Nathan? Baby, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry."

He nods, not turning around. "I know you are, Haley. It's just that I don't understand any of this. I still don't understand why you don't want to at least try to make it work, and I don't understand why you think there is even a chance in hell I'd forget about it now. Pretend it isn't out there my ass."

I put my hands on his shoulders, leaning against his back. "Okay, so we won't forget about it or pretend it isn't there, but can we have fun? Please? We'll be working all summer, so this might be our last time to really party, right?"

He turns around, finally, to face me. "Yeah, we'll have fun tonight. Come on, let's go back inside and see what everyone is doing."

I take his hand when he offers it, and do my best to smile brightly at him. I hate seeing him miserable like this, and the worst part is that I caused it. I did this to him.

When we get back in the house, we take part in the normal party revelry – dancing, drinking games, shots, flirting, all with each other. Pey, Luke, and Jake are all nearby, too, and the five of us have a lot of fun. Peyton and I dance around and shout a Bon Jovi song at the top of our lungs together as the guys laugh at us, Luke arm wrestles me and lets me win, just like he used to when we were little, and Jake and Nathan make bets on the upcoming NBA draft.

It's fun, and it is normal, and I can't help but think this is the last of those two things I'll be getting for awhile. Maybe my outlook on this summer is too bleak. Maybe I should realize that the possibility exists that something wonderful and magical will happen – hell, we have the fourth of July and Labor Day weekend still, and two months in between. Tons of time for great stuff to happen.

But not enough time for me to change my mind about my relationship with Nathan.

July 4, 2006

"Come on, Hales, we're going to be late!" Lucas grumbles from the bottom of the stairs. "Luke! They can't start the fireworks without us! Hell, they wouldn't start them without us – it's your mom and Keith, for crying out loud!"

"Well, I want to be there for the good food," he counters, "And shut up, I know you're excited to see Nathan. It has been two whole days, right?"

"Hey mister, you better watch it. I have stiletto heels and I'm not afraid to use them!" I mock threaten.

"What? How in the hell would use heels?"

"To step on your foot, of course. These things are so spiky they could go right through. Bye bye Michigan basketball scholarship," I tease.

"You're mean," he pouts as he comes into my room. He sits down on the bed. "God, I can't believe how fast this summer is going, Hales. Pretty soon I'm going to be in Michigan, Pey is gonna be in New York, Nathan in Connecticut, Jake in South Carolina, and you here. None of us together."

"Lucas, please," I plead, "Can we not talk about this? Especially in front of Nathan? It's depressing enough when I think of it on my own, but when one of you two bring it up, it hurts so bad I can barely breathe."

When I sit down next to him on the bed he wraps his arms around me. "I'm sorry, Hales. You can't avoid talking about it forever, though," he warns.

"I know, just a little longer. I'm not ready, it's too hard. You all are leaving me." I choke on 'leaving'.

"Oh, Hales," he sighs, "We aren't leaving forever. Besides, there are plenty of holidays to visit on, and you know you're welcome in Michigan with me any time you want."

"Please, Luke. You, Nathan, and Jake won't be able to come home for Christmas or Thanksgiving, and not even Valentine's Day or New Year's or Martin Luther King, Jr. Day. I don't have the money to bounce from coast to coast to Great Lakes to see you all whenever I want. It'll never be the same."

"Life changes, Hales."

"I hate change."

He chuckles into my hair. "I know you do. And this change does suck in some ways." "In some ways?" I ask incredulously, "Try in all ways."

"Hales, Hales. We're growing up. Time to move on, find our place in the world. I don't know, something like that."

"Aren't you going to miss how things are? Aren't you going to miss Tree Hill and all of us? Nothing is going to be the same. Even Jenny will be gone," I sniffle, trying not to break down and completely cry.

"I'm going to miss everything," he says seriously, "Especially you. This is huge, for all of us. I know it'll be especially hard for you."

"What does that mean?" I ask, feeling defensive.

I think he senses the shift in my mood because he moves away from me a little. "Hales, you'll be here still and we'll all be gone. I mean, maybe that'll be easier, to be with the familiar, but I don't know, I guess I was just thinking that the change will make it all easier." I laugh a little, and it's not entirely bitter. "A ch-ch-change will do you good?" I sing song.

He laughs, and it feels genuine. "Yeah, something like that. But you know, at least you'll know most of the people you'll be going to school with."

"And that's a good thing how?"

"Well, make it easier, I don't know. I think it'd be nice if I knew at least one person at my school, but I guess with basketball I'll make friends soon enough. I hope."

"You'll make tons of friends," I assure him, knowing it's true. "Hey, if you can become friends with Nathan, I don't think there is anyone in this world that you can't befriend."

He flops backwards on the bed. "When you put it that way, I guess I'll have friends hanging off me immediately."

I toss a pillow at him. "Is it weird that I'm jealous of them already? I mean, these people, they'll be the ones seeing you every day, and knowing all the little things instead of me. It won't be Lukey and Hales anymore," I pout.

"Don't call me that," he laughs before turning serious. "It'll always be 'us', Hales. You and me, we go way back. Too far back to let a little time and space come between us. You're my best friend, and that's not something I take lightly."

"You're right," I concede, knowing full well that Luke and I have the type of friendship that can be maintained. I don't doubt that it'll change over time, but it will be there always, in some form or another.

"So, let's go! I know you don't want to keep Loverboy waiting too long," he smirks, dodging this pillow toss.

"Okay, okay, let's go. But watch your back, Scott, you keep making cracks like that and I'll get you good!"

We walk out of the house to his truck amiably, just enjoying each other's company. I feel like doors are slamming shut behind me these days, and every time I do something like this with a friend or Nathan, I wonder if it'll be the last time.

"Haley J!" Nathan grins as he sees us walking over to the large group that has gathered to celebrate the holiday.

"Hey gorgeous," I squeal, thrilled beyond words to see him. Only two days, and I act like a besotted fool. How am I going to survive when he moves to Connecticut? I laugh as he sweeps me into his arms and spins me around. "I missed you, baby," he whispers in my ear. "Missed you more. Ready to watch the fireworks?"

"Actually I was thinking that you and I should go make some of our own. Everyone is here, we could easily find some private, deserted spot for our own display." He waggles his eyebrows suggestively at me.

"Are you on another sex in public kick?" I ask with a laugh, "Because if you are, I might be interested." That shocks a laugh out of him. "Really, I want to see these fireworks, but I wouldn't mind if we left right after that to make some of our own."

"I'm holding you to that," he warns. I grab his hand and drag him over to the blanket that Peyton, Luke, and Jake are sitting on, playing with Jenny.

"Mama!" Jake groans, throwing his hands up in mock frustration as the rest of us laugh.

"Hey, Jenny!" I pick her up and squeeze her tight. "Are you ready for the pretty fireworks?"

"Boom!" she cheers cutely.

Nathan and I sit down with everyone, taking the sodas offered to us gratefully. Jenny stays on my lap, and I laugh when he engages in trying to get Jenny off so he can lay his head there instead.

"And there's the Nathan we all know and love," Peyton jokes, "Engaging in the attempted bribery of a two and a half year old. The best part? She ain't falling for it."

We all crack up, except Nathan, who glares at us for a second before going back to his bargaining with Jenny. Jenny refused to give in, though, so he settles for moving behind me, settling me between his legs so I can lean back against his chest. Everything about this, Jenny in my arms included, feels right.

Jenny and I both jump a little as Keith sets off the first of the fireworks. The familiarity of this is overwhelming – I've been celebrating this holiday with Lucas, Karen, and Keith for as long as I can remember, and aside from a few years when Lucas and I thought matches were really cool, Keith has set off the fireworks.

We all laugh as he jokes around when he moves away from them after lighting the fuse by dropping to the ground and rolling away – what he calls 'spy moves'.

"Thank you for bringing this world to me, Haley J," Nathan whispers in my ear. It hurts a little to think that even after our relationship ends he will still have this, still have these people who were once mine. I love that he has them now, that he has the security and warmth of their love, but it hurt, too.

"It's a good world, and you deserve to be a part of it," I tell him sincerely.

"It's the best world. And that's mainly because you're in it." "Oooh!" Jenny bounces on my lap, clapping her hands, drawing everyone's attention. Nathan reaches around me to ruffle her hair.

"This is fun, you guys," Jake says with a smile, "I'm glad we do this every year."

"We should all try and get back here for this next year," Peyton comments, "You know, even if we don't come back for the summer, at least visit for Fourth of July."

"Sounds good to me," Luke says, ruffling her hair. "Especially since I'm 99% sure I'll be back for the summer no matter what."

"Yeah, me too," Nathan agrees, and I can feel the heat of his stare from behind me, "I'll definitely be back next summer, and I'll definitely be looking forward to doing exactly this next summer, too."  
  
I crane my head back so I can give him a small smile, tightening my hold on Jenny. His words are nice, but there's no way any of us know if it'll really happen or not. Besides, who's to assume that he won't have a girlfriend by then.  
  
Labor Day Weekend, 2006  
  
"I can't believe I'm leaving tomorrow," Peyton says softly as we sit on the dock waiting for the guys. "I'm going to miss you so much."  
  
"I know, I'll miss you, too."  
  
She laughs suddenly. "Who would've thought three years ago that it'd be you and I sitting here? I mean, I didn't even know you, and now you're my best friend."  
  
I laugh, too. "Life is funny like that, I guess. Puts you with people you never in a million years figured, but somehow it just makes sense."  
  
"Talking about you and I or you and Nathan?"  
  
"Both, probably. Don't get me wrong, you and I were an unlikely friendship in the beginning, at least going by outward appearances. But Nathan and I, wow, talk about something no one ever thought would happen."  
  
"Yeah, and look at you two now. I don't know anyone, even older than us, who has a better relationship than you two."  
  
"A relationship that will be ending tomorrow," I point out, trying to keep the sorrow from my voice.  
  
"Are you sure that's what you want to do, Hales? Nathan wouldn't be upset at all if you changed your mind."  
  
"I know. I just – I don't know, I guess it's a preemptive strike. He's going to a new state, Pey. He's going to be making all new friends, and some of them will be women. If he stays tied to me, I'm afraid he'll eventually regret it. I don't want to be a regret."  
  
"You're going to be one either way," she points out, elaborating when I raise an eyebrow at her, "Hey, I'm just saying – the way it is now, he'll always wonder 'what if'. So will you. I'm just afraid in five or ten years you'll both sit around wondering and regretting."  
  
"I know this seems like the easy way out, but it's not. It's so, so hard, Pey. I feel like I'm breaking apart, shattering. In some ways, I don't know who I am without Nathan, or you, Luke or Jake. This is all so scary." I hate to admit fear, and this is the first time I brought that word up in terms of all that is happening now.  
  
"I'm scared, too," she admits, "I'm scared of moving to a big city, especially New York, and I'm scared of leaving you and the guys, and I'm even scared of leaving my dad. But that is what this is all about. I guess what I'm trying to say is that you can be scared, but you still don't have to shut the doors on relationships you've worked so hard on."  
  
"Pey, I can't stand the thought of holding him back. I want him to have the full college experience, and I don't know if he'll do that if he has some small town girlfriend back home moping over him. Maybe this will be better for both of us."  
  
"Maybe," she shrugs, and I can tell she's not convinced.  
  
"Hey ladies," Tim says from behind us. A glance behind me shows that Nathan and Luke are with him, each taking one side of the cooler.  
  
"Hey guys, what's up?" Peyton asks, "I hope there are plenty of yummy brews in there, Luke!"  
  
"Yeah, yeah," he mutters as they set the cooler down. Nathan sits down beside me, pulling me into his arms.  
  
"Haley J, how are you? You look all kinds of gorgeous today."  
  
It is nice that he noticed since I made a special effort to really look great for him today. I guess that since this is our last night together, I want all memories of it to be perfect for him, for all of us, really. I don't know why it is such a big deal – we have tons of memories where we're both all dressed up pretty or sexy or whatever, but I just want only perfect memories of tonight.  
  
"Thank you," I say, feeling my cheeks heat with a blush. No matter how many thousands of compliments he pays me, he still always makes me blush.  
  
We spend the night rambunctiously, pushing each other off the dock into the water, splashing around and just generally having a wonderful time. It's fun and comforting, and it makes me wish time would stand still at this very moment.  
  
When it gets too cool to stay out here, we head to Deb and Dan's. They're out of town for the weekend, and even though Lucas and I have both made a tentative peace with Dan over the last two years, neither of us are overly comfortable in his presence still. But there is a huge family room here with a giant sectional that all five of us can crash on while we watch movies on the flat screen TV.  
  
We barely watch the movies we put in, opting to talk and joke and laugh instead. For a little while I can actually forget that tomorrow, this will all be over. Life will never the same again.  
  
"Why don't we all just crash here tonight?" Luke suggests, yawning, "There's more than enough room, and your parents probably won't care, right, Nate?"  
  
"Nah, they won't care. But they might be getting back early in the morning, so you might have to see Dan," he warns all of us, especially Luke.  
  
"Uh, well, that's okay. I kinda promised him I'd stop by before I left to say goodbye." He chuckles at the looks of astonishment prominent on all of our faces. "Well, we might not have a great relationship, but we can be civil now. And he civilly asked me to do this, and I civilly agreed."  
  
"Wow," Peyton mutters.  
  
"I know, that is a total 'wow' statement if I've ever heard one," I chime in, feeling a little left out that he didn't tell me.  
  
"Ah, you guys, come on, it's not a big deal. I'm not going to see him probably until next summer at the soonest – is it so weird that I'd stop by one last time?"  
  
"Well, yeah," Nathan laughs, "It is really weird. I mean, you guys don't exactly have the world's best father son relationship. In fact I remember at least a hundred times that you wished you'd never have to see him again."  
  
Luke just shrugs. "Things change, I don't know. We sure aren't best friends, and I wouldn't call him 'dad' if he paid me, but it's not so awful anymore."  
  
"Well, that's....good," I offer, unsure what to say or think. Probably better than anyone, I know how deeply affected by Dan's treatment of him Lucas was, and I guess it doesn't hurt to be cautiously optimistic for him now.  
  
"It's nothing," he insists again, "I swear. Just goodbye. Maybe that's the closure he and I both need."  
  
Nathan snorts. "Please. Like you can ever get closure from that man." I put my hand on his knee, giving him a squeeze. While Dan and Luke have formed a tentative truce, Nathan and Dan's relationship has spiraled out of control. It is so bad that I'm actually surprised Nathan let us come here today despite Dan's absence.  
  
"Well, either way, I'll be a thousand miles from him this time next week, so I don't see how it's a big deal."  
  
"Maybe it isn't," Jake says, always the peacekeeper, "I mean, yeah, maybe you'll never see him again."  
  
"He's a bad penny," Peyton laughs, "That man will always turn up. We should all face that fact now."  
  
We all join in her laughter, each thinking it's true for different, personal reasons.  
  
We spend the entire night on that huge sectional, finally falling asleep somewhere around 8 am. Dan and Deb arrived home around noon, startling us all awake.  
  
"Well, I wasn't expecting you all to be here," Deb smiles. Dan murmurs a quiet 'hello' before stepping into the kitchen with Deb.  
  
"That wasn't so bad," Luke jokes.  
  
"I'm sure we ain't seen nothing yet," Nathan sighs.  
  
We're all pretty quiet as we get ourselves put back together. Today is going to be a rough day. Nathan and Peyton are both leaving today, and none of us really knows how to deal with that. And by the end of the week, Jake and Lucas will both be gone, too.  
  
Peyton and Jake leave not too long after we wake up, Peyton citing the need to pack and Jake citing the need to get back to Jenny. Nathan and I go upstairs to finish packing up his stuff as Lucas goes into Dan's trophy room to talk to him.  
  
"How do you think that talk is going?" I ask Nathan, kind of curious to how he feels about this whole thing.  
  
"I don't know, I just hope Dan doesn't say something stupid and cruel that hurts him." I smile at the touch of protectiveness that enters his voice.  
  
"Well, like Luke said, he hasn't in awhile. Maybe this is good for them; better than sweeping everything under the rug and acting hostile towards each other, anyways."  
  
"Yeah, maybe," he says doubtfully.  
  
"So, what's left to do in here?" I ask, trying to banish the tears I feel rising as I let my gaze wander around his room. "Remember the last time we moved this stuff? When you moved back in here?"  
  
He laughs with me. "Oh, God, that shit was hell on earth. Mom and Dan were still so pissed about the emancipation thing that they would even help. That day ended good, though."  
  
"It sure did," I agree, remembering that was the night we first made love, back at his then-vacant apartment before we drove the last load to his parent's.  
  
"I'm gonna miss that, Haley J. In fact, I'm going to miss everything about you, this. It's not too late to change your mind," he says as he pulls me close. He drops hot, wet kisses on my neck, and it takes all my willpower not to give in, not to agree that a break-up isn't necessary.  
  
"Mmm, Nathan, you know it's for the best."  
  
He shakes his head against my neck. "No, you know that, I don't. But if it is what you want, I'm not going to fight you on it. I can't, and besides, there's no point – you obviously won't be changing your mind any time soon." He pulls away and sits down on his bed.  
  
"Nathan, come on, don't be mad now, not on our last day together."  
  
"I'm trying not to be, but it is damn hard, okay? You're all I've ever wanted, all I've ever needed. That doesn't just change because you decide to take the easy way out."  
  
"We've already had this conversation," I remind dully, "I don't see the point in having it again."  
  
"Then maybe you should go," he says, running one hand through his hair and the other pointing to the door.  
  
I stare hard at him for a second, questioning him, questioning myself before I turn and walk out.  
  
"Leaving so soon, Haley?" Deb asks as I walk down the stairs.  
  
"Uh, yeah, I think Peyton probably could use a hand getting the rest of her stuff together. I'm gonna stop by there."  
  
The fact that I'm fighting tears must not be lost on her because she pulls me into her arms in a tight hug. "Hey, it'll be okay. If it's meant to be, you and Nathan will find your ways back to each other, okay?"  
  
I nod against her shoulder. "I think I've made him hate me, though. I just – I'm trying to do this in the least possible way, and I think he hates me for it."  
  
"Nathan could never hate you," Dan says from behind me. I pull away from Deb to face him. "It's true, he loves you."  
  
Lucas nods beside him. "He's right, Hales. He's just hurt right now, and on top of you two breaking up, he's moving out of state. That's a lot to deal with."  
  
It's kind of uncanny to have Dan and Lucas here in front of me, side by side, trying to cheer me up regarding my disintegrating relationship with Nathan. "Thank you," I whisper, unsure what else to say.  
  
"I'm gonna go say goodbye to Nathan," Luke says. He gives me a hug on his way past me. "It'll be okay, Hales. I'll see you in a few hours at Pey's, okay?"  
  
"Yeah, okay." I sigh, turning back to Deb and Dan. "Thank you both," I attempt to smile at them.  
  
"You're welcome, honey," Deb smiles sympathetically, "You know I've come to love you dearly over the last three years. Any way I can help, let me know."  
  
"Me, too," Dan says, clearing his throat, "I've never said this, but I know how much you've helped Nathan over the years, and I appreciate that. Thank you. If you ever need anything, you know where to find us."  
  
"Wow, thank you, but really, it was nothing. I'd do it all over again if I could – helping Nathan did more for me than it ever did for him," I say ruefully.  
  
"Just the same, we're here," Deb smiles.  
  
As I walk to Peyton's, I reflect on the strangeness of the morning. Luke and Dan making nice, Dan making nice with me, Nathan ordering me out. It's just too much to handle right now, and I burst into tears right as I knock on Peyton's front door.  
  
"Haley James, what on earth is the matter with you?" she exclaims as she opens the door, "I'm not even gone yet, and already tears?"  
  
"You should know I'm really close to begging you to not leave," I warn her, brushing my tears away, "I mess everything up when I don't have you to keep on me on the right path."  
  
"What happened?"  
  
"Same thing that has been happening all summer. I guess since today's the day emotions just bubbled over. Nathan ordered me out of his room. Dan was nice to me, though."  
  
"He ordered you out?" she asks incredulously, "And wait – Dan, King of Jackasses, was nice to you?"  
  
I laugh through the tears at her description of him. "Yeah, a miracle, huh? And I don't know, I guess I finally pushed Nathan over the edge."  
  
"He'll get over it, Hales."  
  
"I guess. It's just that there isn't time for him to get over it now. He leaves today, Pey!"  
  
"That's plenty of time. He loves you, he adores you – he's going to apologize for acting like an ass, even if you have to take the first step by going back over there. But not until after I leave. I want you here with me for awhile at least."  
  
"Yeah, don't worry, I'm not leaving you yet."  
  
She hugs me. "I'll be back in November for Thanksgiving, and we are going to go crazy then, okay? And maybe for winter break we can hop on a plane and go watch either Nathan or Lucas play. I bet at least one of them will be in a tournament in Vegas or California. It'll be fun."  
  
"Yeah, we'll do that," I agree, thinking it sounds fun.  
  
We pack the rest of her stuff down to the moving truck that is parked in front of her stuff. Like Nathan, she's having her stuff shipped to her new place and driving with enough stuff to last them until the rest of their belongings make it.  
  
"So, as soon as the guys show up, I guess I'm outta here," she sighs, "It'll be so weird to leave Tree Hill."  
  
"It'll be weird without you here. I'm really gonna miss you, Pey. More than I ever could've imagined."  
  
She puts an arm around my shoulder, and I put mine around her. "Haley James, you are the greatest friend I've ever had. I love you dearly."  
  
"I love you, too," I tell her.  
  
"Aw, isn't this sweet?" Jake laughs, "They loooove each other."  
  
"Oh, shut up, Jake," we say in unison.  
  
Luke and Nathan walk up behind him, and Nathan refuses to make eye contact with me. "No, I'm serious, between you two and Luke and Nathan, all this bonding is making me ill."  
  
"You're just jealous," Peyton smirks.  
  
"Nah, I know you all love and adore me."  
  
Peyton rests her head on the top of mine. "Well, you guys, now that you're here, I guess it's time for me to go."  
  
I tighten my grip on her. "Already? They just got here, though."  
  
"I know, but I want to make it at least to Virginia, maybe Maryland, before stopping for the night."  
  
Luke rolls his eyes. "Give it up, the way you drive, you'll probably make it all the way to New York before the sun sets."  
  
She laughs, "Yeah, I am that good, aren't I?"  
  
"If good is what you kids are calling it these days, then yeah, good." Luke looks around at each of us with a mischievous look in his eyes, "Group hug?"  
  
Nathan and Jake both roll their eyes at him, and Pey and I giggle, still hugging anyways. "Yeah, I want a group hug," Peyton demands, "And since I'm leaving first, I should get what I want!"  
  
The guys groan, but move over to us and wrap their arms around us anyways.  
  
"Okay, you guys," Peyton begins, "I want you all to know that I love you, and that you've made a huge difference for the better in my life. Except you, Luke, you've just wreaked havoc on it." We all laugh. "No, really, I don't know where I'd be without you guys. Any of you. I know we've all said it already, but who'd have thought the five of us would end up here together?"  
  
"No one," Nathan laughs, and the rest of us join in.  
  
We pull out of the hug. Peyton turns to Nathan and hugs him individually, whispering something in his ear. She moves onto Jake and then Luke, and finally me.  
  
"You're the best, Hales. And I know you think you and Nathan have to end it, but just remember that he loves you and that's more important than distance. Anyways, I know you don't want my advice, so thank you for being my friend. Thank you for letting me be me. Love you."  
  
"Love you, too, Pey. You're my first real girl friend," I laugh, tears again forming in my eyes, "And now you're leaving. Oh, God, this is hard."  
  
"I know. It'll be okay. I'll call you all the time, okay?"  
  
"Me, too. Drive safe, okay?"  
  
"Just for you!"  
  
She pulls away and gets into her car. She doesn't say anything, just starts the car and blasts the radio, and peels out of the driveway. The four of us remaining stand here staring at her car as it flies down the street towards her future.  
  
"Well," Jake clears his throat, brushing away a tear, "I guess it's off to your place, huh, Nate?"  
  
He sighs, kicking at a rock. "Yeah, it is. Let's go."  
  
We all pile in Jake's car, which is parked a little way down the street, Jake in the front seat with Nathan, and Luke and I in the back.  
  
When we get out of the car, we head for the porch, sitting on the steps. "Well, I have to leave within an hour," Nathan mumbles, clearly dreading what's coming.  
  
Luke steps toward him. "Well, I already said most of my goodbye, but I guess another hug could be in order. I'm going to miss having you on my side, bro," he tells him as they hug.  
  
"I'm always on your side now," Nathan reminds him, causing my tears to spill over, "And I'm really glad for that. You've been a really great brother, and I'm still sorry for all that shit I pulled before."  
  
"I know, man. I, uh, love you." Jake looks at me and smiles as he steps forward to hug Nathan.  
  
"Well, man, this is it. We've played together a long time. I'm gonna miss you."  
  
"And I'll miss you and Jenny. Spoil her a little and tell her it is from me, okay?"  
  
Jake laughs. "I'll see what I can do."  
  
"Thanks." He looks at Luke, who nods. "Well, speaking of Jenny, I should go. Want a ride, Luke?"  
  
"Sure do." Luke squeezes my shoulder as he walks past.  
  
"Still want me out of here?" I ask when they're out of earshot.  
  
"Never," he sighs, pulling me into his arms, "And that is why this is so fucking hard. Anyways, I won't start again, and I won't beg you to rethink your decision. But I'm still going to tell you that I love you and want you and need you. Because I do, and that is never going to change, Haley J, never. No matter how much you push me away, I'll still love you, and I'll still want you, and I'll still think about how much better my life would be if I had you in it, committed to me like I'm committed to you."  
  
I burst into tears against his chest. "I love you. So much. That isn't the issue, you know that."  
  
"I know." He tightens his arms around me. "I just don't want to let you go."  
  
"Me neither."  
  
"Maybe I should stay here. I could go to THCC with you, and then after two years, we could transfer somewhere else."  
  
"Nathan, you already signed."  
  
"Basketball isn't the be all to end all for me, Haley."  
  
"I know, but you can't. You'd hate yourself and me someday down the road if you didn't go. I don't want that for us."  
  
"Yeah," he whispers, "You sure you don't want to take a year off and live in my dorm room with me? I'll smuggle you in."  
  
"Sounds enticing," I laugh. "Thank you."  
  
"You're most welcome." He kisses me on my forehead as he rocks me in his arms. "Uh, thank you for what?"  
  
"Making me laugh. I needed that. Badly."  
  
"Anytime. I'll do anything for you. Will you promise me that you'll remember that, and if you ever need anything – even the tiniest thing imaginable, you'll call me?"  
  
"I will," I promise, even though we both know it's a lie. I have to let him go completely, and depending on him to solve my problems isn't going to accomplish that for either of us.  
  
He extricates himself from my grasp. "It's getting late. I have to get going in a few minutes," he sighs.  
  
"I know," I whisper, drying my eyes.  
  
Deb and Dan walk out on the porch. "You about ready to leave, Nate?" Dan asks.  
  
"Yeah, just about." He stuffs a few more bags into his car. "Well, I think everything is in there, at least."  
  
"If you forgot something, we'll ship it to you," Deb tells him.  
  
"Okay, cool. Uh, could I have a couple of minutes with Haley, please?"  
  
"Sure." They turn and step back in the house.  
  
"Well, this is it, huh?" He's standing a few feet away from me, leaning against the car. "The end of a really great era."  
  
"The best," I smile, "I mean that. You've made me happier than I ever could've imagined. I don't regret a single moment we've shared, Nathan. I'm glad you were all my 'firsts'. You made everything wonderful, perfect even."  
  
He straightens up, reaching a hand up to brush over my cheek. "You made my world right, Haley J. You gave me Lucas and Peyton and Jake, and even Karen and Keith. Without you, I wouldn't have any of them. You were bridge to that wonderful world. But you are so much more than that. You're the only girl I've ever loved. Ever will." I look down, but he cups his hand under my chin, tipping it up so I make eye contact with him again. "I mean it. I don't care what you believe, nothing can change that."  
  
"I love you, too, Nathan."  
  
"I know you do. I'm sorry I've been an ass all summer."  
  
"Only off and on assy," I giggle. "Hug me?"  
  
He wraps his arms around my waist, and I throw mine around his neck. He lifts me up so my feet are off the ground. "You can't tell me this isn't perfect, what we've got," he whispers.  
  
"I'd never say it wasn't," I vow.  
  
"Okay. Okay." He sets me down, stepping back. I can see him compose himself, taking deep breaths. "Okay. I have to go, baby."  
  
A lone tear streaks down his cheek, and I reach up and brush it away. "I know."  
  
He steps away from me. "Mom, Dad."  
  
They step back out onto the porch. After he hugs her, Deb comes over and puts her arm around me. "How you holding up, honey?"  
  
"I'm still standing, I guess." She gives me a squeeze as we watch Nathan shake Dan's hand before Dan pulls him into a hug.  
  
Nathan waves to Deb and I before getting into his car. Dan moves over to stand with us, and we're all quiet as the car starts and Nathan waves another goodbye. When the car turns onto the other street, taking him out of sight, I burst into tears. Deb pulls me closer.  
  
"It's even harder than I thought," I tell her sadly.  
  
"It usually is. You'll be okay, though. You're strong, so is Nathan."  
  
I nod. "Yeah, I know. Well, I guess I should go. I'm supposed to work tonight – Karen thought it'd get my mind off of Nathan and Peyton leaving. And Jake is going to drop off Jenny with me for some girl bonding."  
  
"Well, I bet Jenny will be a better distraction than working will," Deb smiles.  
  
"Yeah, you're probably right." For about the hundredth time today, I wipe the tears from my face. "Okay, thank you guys. I'll probably see you around town sometimes."  
  
"You're welcome to visit, Haley," Dan says, and I'm not sure what to say. "I know we haven't been on great terms ever, but that can definitely change."  
  
"Thanks, I'll try and stop by sometime. Bye."  
  
The rest of the week passes in a haze. I can't really remember anything I did beside saying goodbye to Jake midweek. It's the easiest of the three for me because he's the one staying close enough to visit at least sporadically. Jenny cries, though, which upsets both Lucas and I.  
  
It's almost a relief, though, to have one more down. Of course, the last one is a dandy. Lucas has been my friend forever. I've cried to him, I've held him when he cried, and he's been around for a lot of the best moments or events of my life. It's almost like he's a part of me, and I'm going to miss him desperately. I think the big deal around Nathan leaving kind of overshadowed that for me, but now it's all crashing into me.  
  
We're sitting together behind the counter of the café, just like we have forever. "So this is it," he smiles. I think he's really excited to get out of Tree Hill, find out what else there is for him out there. And I'm happy for him.  
  
"Yeah, it is." I even manage to smile back. "God, you're going to be in Michigan this time tomorrow. That is so weird."  
  
"You're telling me. It's so far away from home. Far away from you, Mom, and Keith. Never figured I'd be one to leave, you know?"  
  
"You scared, Scott?" I tease.  
  
"Hales, have I ever been scared?" he scoffs.  
  
"Oh, oh, you did not just play that off! When we were 12, 12!, you got scared and thought we were lost in the woods that time, but we practically in the backyard of that house two doors down. I could go on, but I suspect you wouldn't appreciate that!"  
  
"Fine, you win," he laughs, "I wouldn't appreciate that at all. I think this is what I'm going to miss most of all. I can't believe this is something we won't be experiencing together. It's always been Luke and Hales – that's how people knew us. I guess that changed when you and Nathan got together, but it was still there, at least a little."  
  
"We're the Dynamic Duo," I joke, eliciting a grin from him, "An elite crime fighting team whose superpower is friendship!"  
  
"You are a strange, strange woman," he laughs.  
  
"That's just part of the reason you love me," I point out, "I funny!"  
  
"For a tutor, you have a bad grammar," he teases. He looks around. "It is so weird that I won't be in here every day anymore. Hey, want to know a secret?"  
  
"Always!" I grin.  
  
"Mom and Keith are pregnant!" I can tell by his huge grin he's thrilled, but I can't help teasing him a little.  
  
"Wow, I get how it works for your mom, but how'd Keith end up with a bun in the oven, huh? And Lucas Scott, a big brother twice over!"  
  
"Shut up," he grumbles in jest, "But yeah, a new baby. Pretty amazing, isn't it? The only shitty part is that I'll be in Michigan when it's born."  
  
"Well, I'll be here. I'll protect him or her like you would, okay?"  
  
"You're the best, Hales."  
  
"This is true," I agree. "A new baby. Finally, something good to look forward to. Someone coming instead of leaving."  
  
He smiles. "Mom and Keith are thrilled. I don't think I've ever seen Keith so proud looking."  
  
"I bet it's about the same as when you made the game-winning basket last year at the league championships." I look at him more closely. "You aren't worried about that, are you? I mean, that Keith will love this baby more because it's his?"  
  
"No. Maybe. I don't know. It's just that I think it was always easy to think of me as his because he didn't think he'd have any. And now he is. It's just weird."  
  
"He loves you, Luke. Not only does he clearly wish you were his, he thinks of you as his son. And that's more important than anything."  
  
He smiles. "I know. I guess I'm just worried. It's stupid, I know."  
  
"It's not stupid. Especially considering the number Dan has done on you over the years."  
  
"Isn't it funny now that I'm kind of making progress with and becoming secure in my relationship with Dan that I'm questioning how Keith feels about me?"  
  
"What happened with Dan?" I'm so curious that I lean towards like this is the best gossip I'll hear in a month or something.  
  
"He – well, he apologized." He kinda makes a face as he says this, and I laugh a little, partially at the face, partially in shock at the idea Dan Scott would apologize. Particularly to Lucas.  
  
"Are you serious? No shit?"  
  
"No, no shit. None. You know that we'd been kind of almost getting along the last six months or so, but neither of us had mentioned the past at all. It was like if we didn't mention it, it wasn't there. But he apologized, and he even looked like he meant it. He, uh, gave me a hug, even. Said that he and Deb would fly up for a game or two."  
  
"Wow, Lucas. That's incredible. How are you with all of that?"  
  
He shrugs. "I don't know. I mean, it's kind of like getting something you didn't even know you wanted."  
  
"Or something that you pretended to everyone, yourself included, that you didn't want, but secretly did?"  
  
"Thanks, Hales, for getting to the heart of the matter," he says with a rueful grin. "But you might be right. I don't know, it was weird. In a good way, I guess."  
  
"Your mom must've been shocked as hell."  
  
"I haven't told her or Keith, actually," he sighs, "I don't know, it just seemed like it might be a slap in their faces. They've done everything for me my whole life, and Dan has done nothing. Hell, Dan went out of his way to make it worse. And now, if I bond with Dan, it just feels like I'm turning my back on them or something."  
  
"They wouldn't think that, Luke. Especially your mom. She knows how important it is to you, I mean, having Dan make some sort of gesture of kindness. She'll be glad for you."  
  
"I don't know about that, Hales. I don't want to hurt her by telling her that I've kind of always wanted Dan to acknowledge me, you know?"  
  
"You can't seriously think she doesn't know already! Luke, your mom can look at me and guess what I'm thinking or feeling! Trust me, she can absolutely do the same for you."  
  
He leans over and hugs me. "What am I going to do without you, Hales?"  
  
"I don't know. Instead of the Dynamic Duo, I guess we'll have to be Singular Sensations now!"  
  
He shakes his head. "You're a big dork, Hales. But it's okay, I love you anyways."  
  
"You better, best friend!"  
  
"Always. That's what friends are for, right?"  
  
"You aren't going to start singing now, are you?" I ask him, suspicious, "Because my eardrums would not appreciate that."  
  
"Hales!" he gasps, feigning shock, "Are you saying that I should give up my dream of appearing on 'American Idol'? Because that's just cruel, Dream Killer!"  
  
When we finish laughing, I lay my head on his shoulder. "I'm really gonna miss you, Scott. More than anyone. Don't tell them that, though."  
  
I can practically feel his surprise. "Hales, you know you don't have to say that. You can miss us in different ways, it is okay."  
  
"I'm not just saying that, Luke. You're my best friend. You've been my best friend for forever. Your mom is practically my mom. I love Nathan as much as I love you, but your presence in my life is so huge. I'll really miss that."  
  
"I'll miss you most, too," he admits quietly.  
  
"I knew it!" I cheer, laughing. "So, when do you leave?"  
  
"First thing in the morning."  
  
"I'm going to say goodbye tonight, okay? I don't know if I can watch you drive off, Lucas. I just – it's too hard."  
  
"Okay, whatever you want, Hales."  
  
"Thanks," I whisper, "I'm not trying to be a pain and not be there tomorrow. I'm just, I don't know, does it make sense that the hardest part is watching someone drive off? I can't do that again."  
  
"It's okay, I understand. We'll say goodbye tonight, okay?"  
  
"Thanks, Luke."  
  
"Anything for you, Hales."  
  
Graduation Day, June 2010  
  
"Well, Tutor Girl, we graduated from college! Can you believe it?" Brooke bounces around a little, laughing. "Well, of course you can believe you graduated, but I bet it's a little harder to believe that Tim and I did, too!"  
  
I laugh as Tim spins me around in a big bear hug. "Why would it be hard to believe? You two might be lazy bastards, but neither of you are stupid. Well, Tigger, you aren't, but Tim has his moments."  
  
Tim snorts. "Whatever. Just cuz I'm not a bookworm geek, I get labeled stupid. I might be a jock, but your labels hurt."  
  
Brooke and I crack up at his mock pout. "You're a freak, Timmy," she laughs.  
  
"So, what are we doing to celebrate?" I ask. My parents didn't show up, and neither did Brooke's, so she and I have no familial celebrations to attend to.  
  
After much debate, we decide to get some cheap wine and take a few blankets down and just sit on the beach back in Tree Hill. When Brooke's parents moved to Florida last spring, they left her their house, and the three of us are planning on living there until we decide where we're going and what we're doing. It won't last forever, obviously, but we plan to live it up and enjoy it while it does.  
  
We've all lived with one another at some point over the last four years, but never all three at the same time. This could be interesting. But we're best friends, and there's only a slight chance someone freaks out and kills someone.  
  
Anyways, we were the ones left behind – we have to stick together.


	2. Freebird

Just a few things – this is definitely a WIP. And I tend to be very, very lengthy in my stories (like 500 pages 10 pt font in a Word doc long), so this could get long. This story is basically the story of Haley's journey after high school – finding new friends, interacting with old ones, dating, and all the little dramas life throws at you in between. I'm definitely leaning towards this being a Naley (it will be throughout, if not explicitly so until later chapters), and I'll consider other pairings. We'll see what happens. Thanks for the awesome reviews – just keep them coming, I love to read what people think of things, it gives me great perspective!  
  
Chapter Two – Freebird  
  
If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me? If I stayed here with you, girl, well, things just couldn't be the same, Cuz I'm as free as a bird now, and this bird you'll never change.... Freebird – Lynyrd Skynard  
  
September, 2006  
  
"Shit, shit, shit," I mutter, having just slammed my knee into the edge of my desk, "Son of a bitch that hurts!"  
  
Today is my first day at Tree Hill Community College, which might as well be Tree Hill High School extended diploma program, because that is seriously what it is. I'd assume 75% of the students at THCC are Tree Hill High grads, most of them from within in the last three years, so there will be few people I don't know. I can't decide if this is a good thing or a very, very bad one.  
  
So, the good side is that I'm not nervous. Why would I be? It's barely even a new environment, what with the campus being about a half mile from the high school. Plus, it'll be a lot of the same faces. Of course, not the ones I want, but what can you do? On the other hand, I spent so much of my time with Nathan, Lucas, Pey, and Jake that I barely know anyone else, and those I do, I have no reason to like.  
  
I'm not expecting things to be perfect. Obviously perfection is a state that just sets up everything that comes after it for a letdown – at least that's how it feels to me. Because as cheesy as it sounds, even in my own head, I had perfection. It was messy and it was rough and there were bad times, but it was also beautiful and charming and strong.  
  
But my perfection is gone. So now I'm just looking for something comfortable, something stable. I guess that means that THCC should be perfect for me.  
  
The phone ringing startles me out of my reverie. "Hello?" I ask, breathless after hunting around the room for the purse I left it in.  
  
"Hey baby, I just wanted to wish you good luck on your first day of school!"  
  
"Nathan! Well, I guess I could do the same for you. How are you, how's your second week in Connecticut going so far?"  
  
He sighs into the phone. "I miss you. It sucks here. I'd even rather have my dad riding my ass about some stupid shit if it meant being there with you."  
  
"Oh, it can't be that bad. What, do all the girls have horns and warts on their noses or something?"  
  
He laughs a little. "I haven't noticed any other girls, but I'm sure they're fine. Like I told you before, my roommate is a complete tool, so he's sucking a lot of my enjoyment out of this whole thing so far."  
  
"Have you met any of the guys on the team yet? Maybe they'll be better to hang out with. Just be careful – don't get too wild at basketball parties, okay?"  
  
"I won't. What about you? How are you doing?"  
  
"Well, I miss you. I miss everyone else, too. And I can't decide if I should be nervous or happy that I'll be at THCC where everybody knows my name."  
  
I flop down on the bed. "It'll be fine, Haley J."  
  
I laugh, and sound stupidly bitter even to myself. "How can you say that, Nathan? You, Pey, Jake and Luke are the only friends I really had. People probably think I'm some sort of exclusionary bitch or something."  
  
"What if they do? Prove them wrong, show them what me and the rest of our friends and family know. Hales, you're gorgeous, you're smart, you're funny – people are probably glad the rest of us are out of the way so they can try and become your friend."  
  
His words cause me to break out into a smile. "Thank you. You always know what to say to make me feel better."  
  
"See? Some things don't change, even with a thousand miles in between us."  
  
"Oh, Nathan," I sigh, sitting up. I move over to the closet and find shoes to wear to school. "We can't do this every time we talk, okay?"  
  
"Yeah, I know. I'm sorry, forget I ever mentioned it."  
  
"Nathan..."  
  
"No, Haley. God forbid I tell you I love you and think it's asinine that we can't continue the relationship we built for almost three years. How dare I, right?"  
  
I throw a shoe at the wall of my closet, smiling at the loud noise it makes on contact. "Nathan, I'm sorry I can't give you what you want. I'm just trying to make this easier on you, on us."  
  
"Bullshit. You're a coward." I almost drop the phone when I hear the clicking noise that indicates he hanged up on me.  
  
"Oh, my God," I breathe. I sit down on the floor, mostly in shock, but at least it makes it easy to put my shoes.  
  
If I don't leave now, I won't have time to find an espresso stand on campus, which is imperative. At the same time, all I can think of is Nathan hanging up on me. It would be so easy to call him back, tell him he's right, but I know I can't. Maybe I am a coward, but I can't go back on this. We're 18 years old, Nathan can't even remember to make his bed every day, and I can't even bother to balance my checkbook – there is no way a long distance relationship between us would work out.  
  
I grab the messenger bag I'm using as a backpack and jump in the car, and drive to school. I sit in the car for a few minutes after I turn it off thinking about Nathan and how this is my first first day of school without Luke when Brooke's car pulls in next to mine.  
  
"Tutor Girl," she smiles as she jumps out of her car. I mentally curse myself for not having rolled up the windows. "Fancy meeting you here."  
  
"Fancy how, Tigger? Where do the Unfortunates who don't leave Tree Hill go?"  
  
"Tree Hill Community College," we sigh simultaneously.  
  
"Yeah, jinx or something," she says, eyeing me, "So, how come you're here? Aren't you supposed to be some sort of genius or something? Don't they have fancy colleges in different states for people like you?"  
  
"I'm no genius," I laugh, "And I can't afford to go to college out of state. So here I am. What's your sob story?"  
  
She snorts. "My grades sucked, what else? I'm not a genius like you, I'm not a basketball star like your little boyfriends, and I'm certainly not an art geek like that other girl you're friends with."  
  
I just shrug. "It was just a question, you don't have to be so defensive." A glance at my watch mercifully shows that it's time to go to class. "Well, got to go to English now. It's been....something, as always."  
  
"English? 101?" I nod warily at her look of glee. "In room 105? Oooh, we have a class together, Tutor Girl! Isn't that exciting?"  
  
God, not really. "Sure, exciting," I repeat dully.  
  
She links arms with me. She actually has linked arms with me and is dragging me through the measly little campus that is THCC. The thing is, I barely know Brooke. Sure, if a few things had gone down a little different, I'd probably know her pretty well, but the fact is, they didn't. And I don't. So her proprietary attitude toward my arm right now is throwing me off.  
  
She chatters the whole way there; something about how we can study together, I think. My mind is having a really hard time wrapping around any of this, so her words aren't really penetrating.  
  
All of a sudden I really miss Peyton. It's not that Brooke reminds me of her, because she doesn't. They've very different; even when they were best friends it was clear how different they were. Maybe it's just having another girl to talk to or something, I don't really know.  
  
"Are you even listening to me?" she bursts out, sounding peevish.  
  
I nod. "Yeah, kinda. Sorry."  
  
She rolls her eyes. "Fine. Look, I'm perfectly aware that at the very, extreme least, there are four other people you'd rather be around right now. But they aren't here, and since you and your little Pretty Posse kept so much to yourself, I thought you could use someone to talk to."  
  
It's my turn to roll my eyes. Pretty Posse? "Brooke, are you trying to say that none of your friends are going here, and you need someone to cheat off of on tests?"  
  
She drops my arm; I guess she has more pride than I gave her credit for. She doesn't say anything as she walks off, and for some reason I feel obligated to call her back. "Brooke? I'm sorry, it's just been a bad week or two."  
  
She turns around and nods. "Apology accepted. And for the record, I'm not a good student, but I don't cheat."  
  
"I should've known; if you had, I'm sure you'd be off at some fancy college, right?"  
  
"Yeah, if I'm going to do something, I'd do it right. So if I was a cheater, straight A's would've been it for me. Heh, like you."  
  
"Yeah, excepting with the cheating."  
  
"Whatever, I didn't and I don't plan to, so it's irrelevant."  
  
"I guess so." We arrive at the door of the classroom, watching as at least nine people we just graduated with in June walk in the room. "Extended high school," I sigh, as we walk in and take seats in the middle. I'm a little surprised she's still sticking by me.  
  
"Yeah, this place is creepy as hell." She points to a guy who is sitting a few rows ahead of us, hunched over a lunch pail. "I think he peed in my pool once. When I was little, we had this housekeeper who was kind of a nanny to me, too. Anyways, she would throw my birthday parties, and she'd insist that everyone from my class be invited. He was invited and he peed in my pool. How many people end up in a college level freshmen English class with a dork who peed in their pool eleven years ago?"  
  
I can't help but laugh at her story. "I always thought college would be different, too," I tell her with a smile.  
  
"It's kinda messed up that it isn't," she sighs. She and I point out a few other people we've known forever before she changes the subject again. "Were you going to go with Nathan?" she asks, blunt as always. I guess I can admire her consistency.  
  
"If I could've afforded it, I would've gone to Boston. That would've been a lot closer to him, at least." I start rooting around in my bag for my notebook and a pen.  
  
"What's the status of you two? Friends, lovers, enemies?"  
  
"Friends, I guess. We, uh, broke up, but since we wouldn't have if he was still here, I guess it's complicated."  
  
"You think we'll need those?" she asks, indicating my pen and paper. I nod, stifling the urge to roll my eyes. "Anyways, if you tell anyone I said this, I'll deny it until I'm blue in the face, but I admire you for loving him enough to set him free. And yourself, now you can party like crazy."  
  
I brush my hair out of my eyes. "You say it like I created world peace or something. All I did was break up with my boyfriend before he could break up with me. What's to admire in that?"  
  
She locates a few sheets of slightly crumpled paper in her bag along with a pink pen that has a fluffy, feathery top. "At least you did something proactive. Shit, you're both 18 years old. There's not exactly a high success rate among 18 year olds in long distance relationships, Tutor Girl."  
  
"How come I couldn't have been dating you? At least you would've got in when I broke up with you. Nathan hung up on me today," I grumble.  
  
"I know I'm hot," she says, serious, "But I don't swing that."  
  
"I wasn't asking – oh, nevermind." The teacher, or professor I guess, walks in, effectively ending our conversation.  
  
Class is short; apparently that is a common thing on the first day. So once the syllabus is distributed and read through, we are dismissed. I'm not sure what to do now – I don't have another class scheduled for an hour after that one was supposed to end, so now I have an hour and forty-five minute break.  
  
"We're getting coffee, Tutor Girl," Brooke commands, grabbing my arm, "I'll tell you now that I don't take 'no' for an answer, so come on."  
  
"You sure like to manhandle people, don't you?" I reluctantly walk along with her as she points to the espresso stand about a hundred yards away. I'm mentally salivating already.  
  
"If it gets the job done, sure, I guess it's a fine way to do things. Besides, it gets their attention, and sometimes that's what you need."  
  
I don't respond to that, kind of seeing Brooke clearly for possibly the first time. When she was still friends with Pey and when she was dating Lucas, I remember that I'd wondered if she was happy. She just seemed lonely sometimes.  
  
"Do you miss Peyton?" I ask abruptly. She looks at me like I lost my mind, but her grip on my arm tightens a little.  
  
"I – no, why would you ask that?"  
  
"I don't know. Forget I said anything."  
  
We walk on a ways before she says quietly, "I don't miss her, exactly. It's been a long time since everything happened. Anyways, I don't think I miss her exactly, I just miss having a friend like I had in her."  
  
I know what she means. Well, sort of, since I actually do miss Pey, not just what she represented in my life. "You know, Peyton wanted to be your friend. She hated that you guys couldn't figure things out."  
  
Brooke just nods. "I know that. The thing is I couldn't trust her anymore, so even after I forgave her, there was nothing there."  
  
"That makes sense, I guess." As bad as I feel for Peyton, I can't help but feel sorry for Brooke.  
  
"You still think I lost out on a lot because I couldn't be her friend after that, right?" she says roughly.  
  
I shake my head. "I don't know, Brooke. I never knew you well enough to know if the things you missed are things you even would've cared about missing, and I don't know if you had better things going on that surpassed what missed."  
  
We arrive at the espresso stand, and our focus shifts to placing orders and getting our hands on our iced lattes. There's an empty bench, so I sit down on it, waiting for her to join me. After she does, we're both quiet for a few minutes as we enjoy our coffee and think about things.  
  
"I didn't." She practically whispers that.  
  
"Didn't what?"  
  
"Have anything better. I – oh, shit, this is so pathetic, but I don't have friends."  
  
I laugh at this. "Brooke, I've seen you with your friends. You're almost always in a group of twenty people, the center of attention. You have adoring fans!"  
  
"They aren't my friends. They never were, really. Maybe they just hung around because I was a cheerleader, maybe they were afraid of what I'd do if they didn't adore me. They weren't my friends, though, none of them."  
  
I lean back on the bench, surprised by this in some ways, and more surprised that I'm not completely surprised. "Why not?"  
  
She raises her eyebrows at the question, and for a minute I think I crossed the line of...well, whatever this is. But she merely shrugs and leans back, too. "I don't know. They never knew me, and I didn't want them to." She pulls her legs up against her chest, resting her chin on her knees. "I guess it sounds stupid."  
  
I shake my head, negating that. "No, it just sounds lonely, I guess."  
  
She lets out a puff of air. "I guess it is. Yeah, actually, I know it is." Setting her feet down, she brightens up, but I can tell she's faking it. "Well, this is lame. Why don't we talk about more exciting things like where we're going to party this weekend?"  
  
"How about my place?" a voice suggests from behind us.  
  
Tim. Brooke sighs beside me. "Aren't you tired of having parties at your parents' place?" she asks.  
  
"Hey, not all of us are still living with mommy and daddy, Davis. I have an apartment now. Oh, James, you'll know where it is – same building where Nathan had his." His eyes widen a little at what he said. "Oh, uh, is that a bad subject? Nathan, I mean, because I didn't mean, er, I didn't want to – "  
  
"Its fine," I interrupt, "He's in Connecticut, not dead."  
  
"I – yeah, sorry." He kicks at the dirt, stirring up a little cloud of dust. "But yeah, if you want to come, you can. It'll be a small party, I don't want to get kicked out of my apartment, not yet, anyways."  
  
"Small party? Like so that's fifty people instead of a hundred and fifty?" Brooke snorts derisively.  
  
"Dunno. Haven't invited anyone but you two yet, but I was think fifteen to twenty at the most."  
  
This feels so surreal. I barely know Tim – his friendship with Nathan disintegrated when Nathan and Lucas started getting along, but he was always such an obnoxious prick that I can't help but wonder at his motives now.  
  
"You haven't invited anyone else? I certainly hope you don't expect us to have a threesome with you," I warn him, only semi-joking.  
  
He rolls his eyes. "I'm not that stupid," he mutters. "Look, I just thought I'd be nice and invite you. Don't feel obligated or anything."  
  
"Oh, we won't," Brooke smirks, "Ciao!"  
  
He sighs and walks off. "Wonder what that was all about," I comment, glancing at Brooke, "I thought you two were kinda friends. Or acquaintances, whatever."  
  
"Ha! I hung around him when Peyton was with Nathan, but other than that it was mostly just at parties, and that hardly constitutes a friendship. Story of my life, I guess."  
  
I suck down the last drops of my latte, the ice rattling around in the bottom of the cup. "It doesn't have to be, you know."  
  
"Well, it is, so what difference does it make?"  
  
I shrug. "I guess if it doesn't matter to you, then none. It makes no difference whatsoever."  
  
She tosses her empty cup towards the trashcan, surprising me when it drops right in the hole. "Why are you still here?" she asks. I raise an eyebrow at her in surprise. "I mean, why are you still talking to me? You don't have to pretend that we have some great friendship. We both know otherwise, right?"  
  
"Who's pretending we do?" Again with the eye rolling. "Fine, Tigger, you know what? You linked arms with me, you dragged me over here for coffee, you sat next to me in class. And now you're pushing me away? Fine, I'll go, no problem." I sound snotty, I know I do, but I don't get anything that happened this morning.  
  
I stand up to walk away when she grabs my hand. "Stop. Sit down. I'm sorry, okay? I guess that's why I have no friends," she concludes with a bitter laugh.  
  
There's really nothing for me to say to that. I don't know why she doesn't have friends, except stubbornness in terms of her and Pey, but other than that, what comments of comfort can I offer up?  
  
"It's stupid," she mutters, "I know." I watch as she throws her hands in the air, standing up. "I don't know how to be a friend. Either I forgot or I never knew how, I guess it doesn't matter."  
  
"That shit with Luke and Peyton really did a number on you, didn't it?" I stand up and we start walking towards the classes again.  
  
"What do you mean?"  
  
"You, this – it's obviously something huge. You're really bothered by the fact that you have no friends, but you're pretty and you're popular, so it's not that you have an inability to make them. That's why I think that thing did a number on you."  
  
We walk quietly for a minute as she thinks about what I said. "She was my friend, and she lied to me. She knew how much I cared about him, and she went after him anyways. And then – then she chose him."  
  
"Chose him? What do you mean?"  
  
"After it all happened, like right before Luke moved to Charleston with Keith for that month or whatever, Peyton and I kind of made up. But then Luke came back, and they buddied up again. Maybe it was selfish, but I told her I couldn't be her friend if she was his friend, and she chose him." She shrugs it off, but I can see the hurt written across her face. "No biggie, right?"  
  
"Brooke, it is a biggie."  
  
She stops walking, laughing a little. "I guess it is if you're using my name, huh?"  
  
"Why are you joking about this? If I were you, I think I'd be mad, too. But why'd you let it hold you back from making new friends?"  
  
"You say it like it would have been easy. Hey, maybe it's for the better. It just hurts worse when the inevitable parting of ways happens if you let them get too close." She sighs. "Even I don't believe that."  
  
"Because it's bullshit," I agree, "Why did you sit with me in class? I mean, like you said, you knew a ton of other people in there, so even if you just needed someone you know by you, why me? Is it because Pey's my friend and you think you can use me to get to her?"  
  
She snorts. "God, who do you think I am, Nathan? Hell, no. Look, you're one of the few people who has always been real to me. When Lucas cheated on me, you called him on it. When I fucked up, you called me on it. I don't know, I guess you're just interesting to me."  
  
I laugh, kind of confused. "I have no idea what you're talking about, but it works for me. Well, I'd better get to class. Biology."  
  
A wide grin breaks out across her face. "Bio, you say? What a coincidence."  
  
I don't know whether to laugh or cry.  
  
Oddly enough, Brooke and I have three classes together. Tim is in two of the three Brooke and I share, and in one more that I'm in alone. Even stranger, we've taken to studying together, which I'm trying to figure how to tell Pey.  
  
"Peyton and Lucy's room, this is Peyton speaking, how may I help you?"  
  
"Hey stranger!"  
  
"Haley James!" she squeals, "How are you? How's school? Oh, my gosh, you wouldn't believe how cool it is here in New York, and would you believe that all of my classes are awesome? And my roommate and I actually get along? How's Tree Hill? Have you talked to Lucas, Nathan, or Jake?"  
  
"Whoa, I'm now drowning in questions!"  
  
She giggles. "Sorry."  
  
"You are not! Anyways, I'm good, how are you?"  
  
"I'm fabulous! I was freaked when I left here, but this is it, this is where I'm supposed to be. It's incredible."  
  
"I'm so happy for you, Pey!" I am, really. A little unhappy for myself, which is unfair, but I can't help it. It's obvious she won't be finding any excuses to come home.  
  
"Me, too! So what's going on with you? How're things with Nathan? Is he still being a dick about the split up thing?"  
  
"Things are okay. Nathan is mad. He hung up on me a few days ago and has basically cut off communication. I'm waiting for him to get over it still," I sigh.  
  
"Damn, I can't believe he's silent treatment-izing you. He will get over it, Hales, so don't get too stressed about it."  
  
"Yeah, I'm trying not to. I just hate that things have gotten to this point, but I can't change it now. Besides, I still believe I did the right thing, you know?"  
  
"Yeah, I know. So, how's Tree Hill's illustrious community college? Any fresh meat there for you to ogle?"  
  
I guess this is as good a time as any to tell her what's been going on. "Actually, you'll never guess who the only two people I've talked to are."  
  
"Oooh, do we get to play the guessing game? This could be fun," she laughs, "Of course, it's Tree Hill, so it probably isn't."  
  
"That doesn't count as a guess," I warn, laughing, "Giving up already, Sawyer?"  
  
"Give up? Never! I'll go down with this ship if I have to!" She sighs loud and long. "Okay, I think I'm ready to guess now. Let's see, who could it be. Someone I'd never guess. No, two someones I'd never guess. Hmm, Mouth? Is that one of them?"  
  
"Nope, Brooke and Tim."  
  
"Brooke? My Brooke? I mean, used to be my Brooke, I guess – we all know she'd shit bricks if she knew I called her that," she chuckles, "And Tim? How bizarre, Hales! How'd you get rid of them?"  
  
"Eh, the three of us have two classes together, and then I have one class with each of them on our own. So, we're kinda sorta studying together." The last sentence rushes out sounding slightly incoherent.  
  
"Wow."  
  
"Pey? If you don't want me to study with Brooke, I won't. There's that whole history there, and I don't want to disrespect you or our friendship, okay?"  
  
She just laughs. "Haley, its fine. I love you, and well, I don't want Brooke to be unhappy. So study, hang out, don't worry about stopping what you're doing on my behalf."  
  
I breathe a sigh of relief. "You're sure? Because you're one of my best friends, and I am so not going to jeopardize our friendship. I want you to know that, so you can tell me if you hate the idea of us studying together."  
  
She laughs again. "Hales, I promise, its fine. Maybe you shouldn't trust her, but as long as you're cool with it, I am, too. Now, Tim, on the other hand," she says, changing subjects so quick I don't get a chance to ask why I shouldn't trust Brooke, "I'd watch out for that one. He can be a real asshole. Of course, you're a big girl, you can handle a moron like him."  
  
I spin around in my desk chair. "You know, I thought I would be the most pathetic person left behind in Tree Hill, but Jake is usurping my crown. He's, like, broken or something. I don't think he's in contact with any of those guys he hung out with anymore."  
  
"Wow, depressing. Um, you're doing better than that, right, Hales? I mean, if you weren't okay, you'd tell me, right?"  
  
I stop spinning. "You know, it's funny because I thought I'd be a depressed lunatic, but I'm not. Oh, things aren't perfect, obviously, but I'm holding my own. Now that classes have started, I at least have that distraction."  
  
"A depressed lunatic? Depraved, maybe, from missing Nathan's sweet lovin'," she teases, "But not depressed."  
  
"Thanks a lot," I laugh, "So, how's the New York love scene? Any hotties knocking on your door yet?"  
  
"Not yet, but I have faith it'll be soon enough, you know?"  
  
"Yeah, I know. I don't doubt it for a second," I assure her. There's a knock at my bedroom door, which almost startles me to the point of dropping the phone. It's Brooke, and I almost groan at her bad timing.  
  
"Hey Tutor Girl," she calls as she walks in and makes herself comfortable on my bed.  
  
"Tutor Girl?" echoes Pey through the phone, "Brooke's there now?"  
  
"Just showed up, hang on." I cover the mouthpiece with my hand. "I'm on the phone, Tigger." She just shrugs and grins unabashedly at me. "It's Peyton."  
  
"Oh. Well, I'll wait in the hall or something. Got any brothers?" I groan and shoo her out of the room, feeling grateful when she actually shuts the door behind her. Sure, she's probably got her ear pressed to it, but I appreciate that she at least pretends.  
  
"Pey?"  
  
"Yeah?" I can't tell if she sounds mad or not.  
  
"I'm sorry about that, I didn't know she was coming over now," I quietly inform her. "I wouldn't call you when she's here."  
  
"It's okay, Hales. She's still calling you Tutor Girl, huh?" she laughs.  
  
"I'm hoping it dies a quick death," I admit, "But there are worse things I could be called, right?"  
  
"Yeah, any of the thousand things she called me over the past two and a half years."  
  
"Yeah, those."  
  
"It really is okay, Haley. Don't feel bad about it. Look, Lucy just got back with food, so I'd better go. I'll call you tomorrow, okay?"  
  
"Yeah, I'd love to hear from you tomorrow! Have fun, good luck finding that perfect hottie!"  
  
She laughs. "You, too! And don't let Brooke drive you too crazy! I don't doubt for a second that she'll try."  
  
"I won't. Love you, Pey."  
  
"Love you, too, Hales!"  
  
We hang up, and for a minute I just lean back in my desk chair trying to make sense of how strange my life has become. The shock of the door bursting open sends me tipping over in my chair.  
  
"Goddammit, Brooke!" I shout, pissed, "Can't you knock?"  
  
"Oh, shit," a male voice says quietly, "I'm so sorry, James!"  
  
"Tim," I groan, rubbing my hip, "What the hell? Where do you get off barging into my bedroom?"  
  
Brooke is in the doorway laughing. "Wow, that was so funny. You should've seen the look on your face, Tutor Girl!"  
  
I glare at them both, picking myself up off the floor. "Well, knock next time. Can we agree that knocking is an acceptable thing to do before barging into someone else's bedroom?"  
  
They both nod, Tim looking exceptionally contrite and Brooke looking like she'd just seen some great comedy routine.  
  
"I – you're okay, right? Not hurt, I mean," Tim asks.  
  
"Ha!" Brooke barks out, "He's afraid that Nathan is going to come back to town and kick his ass if he hurt you, Tutor Girl."  
  
I roll my eyes. "I'm fine, let's just forget it now, please?"  
  
And so we get on with studying.  
  
"Hi Karen," I smile as I walk in for my shift at the café. "How are you doing this lovely day? How's the baby?"  
  
She beams back at me. "The baby is wonderful, thank you, and I'm just great, too. How are you doing?"  
  
"I'm good, school has been easy so far this quarter, so...well, that's a bonus," I laugh.  
  
"It's good to see you smiling again," she comments as she starts a new pot of coffee, "I wasn't sure how long it would take."  
  
"I couldn't mope forever," I point out, grabbing a rag to wipe off tables, "And besides, it's futile, you know? It won't bring them home, and it won't take me to them. I guess I just have to make the best of the situation or something. Besides, it could be worse."  
  
"That usually is the case."  
  
It's not crowded at all in here, so I pour myself a cup of coffee and sit down at one of the tables. Karen sits down with me. "Heard from Lucas much?" I ask.  
  
"Just once," she sighs, "It sounds like he's already really engrossed in basketball, too much so to call his mom."  
  
"I've only gotten a couple of hurried emails, so don't feel bad. It sounds like he's working so hard between school and ball that he falls asleep the second he's done with his homework. I'm going to try calling him tonight, though, I miss hearing his voice."  
  
"I'm sure he'd love to hear from you," she smiles.  
  
"Well, even if he wouldn't, he's going to anyways," I joke.  
  
The chiming of the bell on the door alerts us that customers have entered, and when they start arguing, I can tell immediately that it's just Brooke and Tim. Getting up from the table, I go over to greet them.  
  
"Tutor Girl!" Brooke smiles. It is just really bizarre how, well, friendly she and I have become over the past few weeks.  
  
"Hey, James, hardly working, huh?" Tim greets. He's a bit of a dickhead, but I think most of that can be attributed to foot-in-mouth disease rather than any actual maliciousness.  
  
"What can I get you two?"  
  
"An 'A' on our bio test?" Brooke asks, sounding hopeful.  
  
"Tigger, it's the same material we learned sophomore year of high school. It's not going to be that hard of a test."  
  
"Easy for you to say, you're smart, you get that shit," Tim sighs, "I don't even remember taking biology, so I don't know what that says about me."  
  
"You were in the same class as me, dipshit," Brooke informs him, and I can't help but laugh. Tim can't either and quickly joins in.  
  
"Sue me, sophomore year was the biggest party year for me," Tim says in his defense, "That was the year my parents got divorced and they each spent more time with their new lovers than me."  
  
"So he spent the year drunk and drugged out to forget about things," Brooke explains to me, "That was actually the last year that I hung around you at all, Tim, some of those were good parties."  
  
"Yeah," he laughs, "And now those days have pretty much dried up. I have no one to party with."  
  
"Boo hoo," I laugh, "No one to party with. That isn't exactly the world's biggest problem, you know?"  
  
He shrugs. "It kinda is when you don't know how to do anything else. Or when you're not good at anything else. Especially when both are the case."  
  
Brooke and I laugh. "Geez, Tim, it's not that bad," she tries to comfort him.  
  
"Sure it is. No friends, not much of a family, no girlfriend – I have nothing to show for anything that I am or have done."  
  
I raise an eyebrow at him. "Well, maybe your priorities just haven't been straight. Maybe you've been focusing on things that aren't going to win you friends or a girlfriend."  
  
More customers enter the café, and I stand up to take them menus and offer them drinks. Brooke and Tim are still talking, and I can only hope that she has something better to offer him than I did.  
  
By the time I get back to their table, they're actually laughing. And not one of them at the other, either, which is really the most surprising part when I think about it. That probably means they're laughing at me, then.  
  
"What'd I miss?" I ask cautiously. I'm still very leery of this newfound – well, whatever it is that the three of us have. It's just weird.  
  
"Not much," Brooke laughs, "We were just reminiscing, actually."  
  
It's weird, but I feel left out immediately because I know the chance of me sharing a memory with the two of them is slim to none. And I can't remember any funny ones, that's for sure.  
  
"Sounds like fun." I sound wistful even to my own ears.  
  
Tim grins. "Well, James, you have to admit it was pretty when you feel trying to do that jump thing. You know, the one where you touch your toes in the air."  
  
My face feels warm, and I know my cheeks are pink. I sit there for a minute before bursting out laughing at the memory. "Oh, my, I had totally forgotten about that embarrassment. Thank you two so much for bringing that joyous occasion up!"  
  
It really is fun to laugh with them, and when I see Karen smiling from behind the counter, I realize just how mopey I must've been the last week or so. It's good to let go of that now and just go with the flow, something I haven't spent much time in my life doing. Maybe this is a Dr. Phil thing, and it's good for me to change drastically on an internal level now that my physical world has changed. Or something.  
  
They both leave before my shift is over, so when closing time nears, I'm alone in here. I promise them I'll put in an appearance at this little party of Tim's before they agree to leave, though. Figuring there won't be a better time, I pull out my cell phone and dial Lucas.  
  
"Hello?"  
  
"Is Lucas there?" I ask, not recognizing the voice.  
  
"Yeah, hold on." There's some shuffling noises in the background, and then, "Hey, Scott! Some chick is on the phone for you! Get your ass back in here!"  
  
A few seconds later, Lucas is on the line. "Hello?"  
  
"Lucas!" I squeal, thrilled to hear his voice.  
  
"Hales! What's going on, I was just thinking of you today during basketball practice."  
  
"Yeah? Good, and I hope the thoughts were those of sadness and longing for your best friend."  
  
"Of course. So what brings you to my ear? Just a chat? How you holding up?"  
  
"You sound like Peyton, a thousand questions," I joke, "But no, really, everything is fine. I just missed you and have been thinking about you, and it's dead here at the café, so I figured I'd give you a call. How're things with you?"  
  
"Things are good so far, I think. My roommate is a bit of an ass; actually, he reminds me of Nathan pre-you. Other than that, though, it's okay here. Just different. No Hales."  
  
I laugh. "Well, I've got one up on you since everything is different here, but at the same time, nothing is."  
  
"Yeah, that must suck."  
  
I set down the tray I was carrying and think about that. "Huh, you know what? I just realized that it does. Suck, I mean."  
  
"Yeah? You find replacement friends already?" he jokes.  
  
"No, of course not. In fact, the only people in school I've talked to are Brooke Davis and Tim Smith."  
  
Dead silence.  
  
"Luke?"  
  
"Brooke talks to you?"  
  
"Sure, it's not like I ever cheated on her," I say, instantly regretting it. I know how bad Luke feels about that, and I know how guilty he still feels to this day. "Oh, Luke, I'm sorry, that was totally tasteless, and I didn't mean it anyways."  
  
"No, it's okay. I guess I'm just surprised. Thought she hated all of us. Guess it was just me."  
  
"If it makes you feel any better, all the animosity I've seen from her is directed towards Peyton."  
  
He sighs into the phone. "I guess it doesn't matter now anyways. Besides, it's not like you guys hang out all the time or anything, right?"  
  
It's my turn to sigh. "Well, we're sort of studying together frequently. Um, the three of us have two classes together, and I have one with each of them, also. So we're kind of doing that. I think they think I can get them A's or something," I try and joke.  
  
"Haley, do you remember Tim Smith? Do you remember what an asshole he is? Because if you don't, I'd love to refresh you memory."  
  
I pull a stool out and sit down. "Luke, come on, that was years ago. Let the past go."  
  
"Jesus." I can picture him right now, probably standing with his legs a little apart, running his free hand through his hair in frustration. I barely manage to hold my giggle in. "It's just, Hales, he's an ass, and even in terms of friends, you deserve better."  
  
"I guess this next part is where you tell me I should stay away from Brooke because she is similarly not good enough."  
  
"Hey, that's not fair, I've never said anything bad about Brooke, and I never meant to hurt her."  
  
I sigh, knowing he's right. "I'm sorry, I know you haven't and didn't. I just don't see what the big deal is – it's just Tim. He's harmless."  
  
"If by harmless, you mean brainless, then yeah, I think you're right."  
  
"I'm not going to argue with you about this, Luke. So, if you're right, I'll figure it out soon enough, and if you are wrong and I'm right, then you owe me a diamond necklace for Christmas," I tease.  
  
"Ha, you think we'll know by Christmas?"  
  
"Hey, like you said, brainless, right? If it's all a charade, then he won't be able to hold onto it that long."  
  
He laughs. "Okay, fine, but don't hold your breath for that diamond necklace. I don't care how right you are, you ain't getting one of those from me. Better take that one up with Nathan," he jokes, gasping when he realizes what he said, "Ah, Hales, now I'm sorry."  
  
"No, no, we can't pretend like he doesn't exist, Luke. That's stupid. He's a huge part of both of our lives. We love him."  
  
"Yeah, but I know it's hard for you and him right now, I didn't even think before I tossed that in your face."  
  
I sigh, not wanting him to feel bad. "Luke, stop. It's okay, I promise. And hey, like three weeks ago, he and I were together. If you'd said that then, we wouldn't have batted an eye. It's okay!"  
  
"If you say so. Have you guys talked much?" he asks quietly.  
  
I shrug, even though he can't see me. Habit, I guess. "We talked a few days ago. He got mad at me, and I haven't heard from him since, nor will he accept my attempts to get in touch with him."  
  
"Damn, what happened?"  
  
I groan, kind of wishing I hadn't said anything about it. "He said something about how some things never change in reference to us, and I told him he can't do that every time we talk."  
  
"Can't do what?" I can hear the confusion coloring his voice.  
  
"Can't try and change my mind. It's hard on me, and it just – it can't be good for him, you know? Anyways, he told me I was a coward for not trying and hung up."  
  
"Sounds intense."  
  
"Yeah. You really have no idea," I sigh, "It was just hard, but maybe it's good that it happened now."  
  
"Whatever you say, Hales." I know he too questions my decision, and frankly, I'm sick of it. Maybe this is the biggest mistake of my life, but it's mine to make and I wish people would remember that.  
  
"Luke? I should go. It's time to lock the door, and then I somehow agreed to attend a mini-party at Tim's."  
  
"Mini-party? At Tim Smith's? Hales, he's never gone mini anything in relation to partying. Don't get caught up at some raging party with no friends there to have your back."  
  
I laugh at his protectiveness and concern. "Trust me, it'll be small if he knows what's good for him. He's living in that complex Nathan lived in for awhile. You remember how quick those people are to call the cops."  
  
"Okay, fine," he agrees, "But still, be careful. Okay, I'll let you go. Love you."  
  
"Love you, too."  
  
I run around and finish closing this place up, finally turning off the lights and locking the door behind me on the way out. I'd brought a change of clothes with me just in case I decided to go to the party, so I shimmy into those awkwardly in the front seat of my car before driving off.  
  
When I pull in the parking lot of Tim's apartment complex, my mind drifts back immediately. I feel like I'm sixteen again, and that Nathan will come out any minute and carry me over his shoulder into his bedroom.  
  
But I'm not, and he doesn't, so I just feel stupid sitting here instead. Shaking away the slightly depressing thoughts of things I don't have anymore, I jump out of the car and practically run to the apartment Tim said was his. There is surprisingly quiet 'party' music coming through the door – I guess Tim was serious about not letting things get out of hand.  
  
I knock on the door tentatively, visions of Brooke's suggestion that Tim was only inviting us over for a threesome floating in my head. I'm half of a mind to turn around and head back for my car, and I actually take a step backwards when the door swings open.  
  
"Hey!" Tim smiles as he greets me, "Wasn't sure if you'd show, but here you are!"  
  
"Here I am," I agree, looking past him to see that there really are only about fifteen people in there, just like he promised. As he ushers me in, I raise an eyebrow at Brooke who just kind of shrugs that she doesn't know what's going on.  
  
"Tutor Girl, let's get you a drink," Brooke decrees, taking my arm as she is wont to do. "So, this is weird," she says, motioning back out to the living room with her cup, "It's like, I don't know, have you ever seen Tim so tame?"  
  
I shrug. "I've barely seen Tim period," I point out, "And I've only been to occasional parties of his, but no, they were never this small and casual."  
  
"I know! No one is even puking!"  
  
I laugh at this, wondering how that's a bad thing, but decide it's better not to ask. "Well, I'm not going to complain. It's a little tame, but it could be worse."  
  
"Well, I bet you ten bucks it's just you, me, and Tim within the hour," she says, sticking out her hand.  
  
"What? Why would you bet that? It's a party, right? Alcohol, music, dancing. No one is going to leave," I scoff.  
  
"Hello? Did you see dancing? And you can barely hear that music. Trust me, it's not enough to keep people here. There are other parties they can find on a Friday night, ones with loud music and actual dancing and drinking games."  
  
I glance back out there, realizing she's right – everyone does look incredibly bored. Even Tim, I note, stifling a laugh. Brooke looks at me questioningly. "Even Tim looks bored."  
  
She does laugh. "Well, look at these idiots he invited. I mean, they act like they can't talk to people they don't know. No wonder it's so boring here!"  
  
Can't disagree with that. "Why'd Tim invite them? Just because we went to high school with them?"  
  
She shrugs. "Hell if I know. All I can think is that he's just doing what's expected of him. Having a party, I mean. I don't know, but it's not working out so great, is it? Oooh, look," she says, pointing to the door.  
  
And they're leaving already. I don't know if I should feel glad it'll just be Brooke, Tim, and I, since we've gotten to this odd point where it's kind of comfortable to be around them, or if I should be annoyed that this won't be a chance to interact with more people.  
  
"You okay, Tim?" Brooke asks when the door closes and the last of his few guests shuffles out.  
  
He nods. "Sure, it's no big deal, just a party. And I should've known – I wouldn't have stayed at a crapfest like this myself, so it was stupid to think other people would."  
  
I laugh, "It wasn't that bad."  
  
Brooke snorts. "Please, you just got here. It was awful. No dancing, no talking, no flirting, nothing. It was dead. Like being at a funeral or something." She claps her hand over her mouth when she realizes that Tim is in fact standing right there. "Sorry, Tim."  
  
Luckily for her, he just laughs. "It's fine. You're right, it was boring. The weirdest part is that I don't even care." He looks around. "Want to get drunk and watch crappy b-movies?"  
  
I look at Brooke. "I'm in if you're in, Tigger."  
  
She gives me an exasperated look. "Well, I'm in for anything if it means I don't have to go home and see my parents right away."  
  
And so we settle on the couch with large glasses of vodka and lemonade and watch lame movies and laugh our asses off the whole time.  
  
And I have fun.  
  
The faint ringing sound of a cellphone wakes me up. looking around, I'm surprised to see Brooke picking up my phone and putting it to her ear. I'm actually more surprised to find myself still at Tim's sharing the couch with Brooke as he still sleeps soundly on the chair.  
  
"Tutor Girl's phone," Brooke answers, winking at me when I groan. "Well, hello, Nathan Scott, let me get her for you."  
  
My eyes widen in alarm when she says his name. "Jesus, Tigger, why are you answering my phone? It could've been Peyton, and I know how you would've hated that."  
  
"Nah, his name flashed on the display screen. I can read, you know," she laughs.  
  
"Nathan?" I gasp into the phone, "I'm so glad you called me!"  
  
"Yeah, I'll bet," he mutters, and I can tell he's pissed. "What the hell are you doing hanging out with Brooke Davis? And why can't you answer your own phone?"  
  
"Don't get mad, please," I sigh, dreading where this conversation was going, "Why is it such a big deal that I'm hanging out with Brooke?"  
  
"Do you remember her? Do you remember what shit she treated Pey and Lucas like? You remember them, right, your best friends?"  
  
"Nathan!" I begin as I extricate myself from the couch so I can find some privacy for this call, "Of course I remember them, and she didn't do anything to them. She stopped being their friend, which is entirely her prerogative."  
  
He doesn't say anything for a minute, and I'm afraid he's going to hang up again. Finally, though, he starts talking again, saying, "Hales, I don't get it. You and Brooke Davis were never really friends, or even friendly to each other. What the hell is going on?"  
  
I finally make it into the bathroom, and closing the door, sit down on the edge of the tub. "Nathan, what is the big deal? Am I not allowed to hang out with people you don't like or something?"  
  
He sighs. "I'm just surprised, Haley. I don't know, when I pictured you making new friends, Brooke Davis wasn't exactly on the list."  
  
Gee, he's making it easy to tell him whose apartment I'm at. "Okay, I get that it seems weird, but if Luke and Pey can be okay with it, can't you?"  
  
"You've already told them and not me?"  
  
Oh, my God, I can't believe he's doing this. "Well, you wouldn't answer my calls or call me back, so what the hell was I supposed to do?"  
  
"Fine, you're right, I was being an ass. I'm sorry for that, too. Guess I'm just not taking any of this well at all."  
  
I soften immediately, wishing I was there to hold him. "Oh, Nate, I'm sorry. I didn't even ask how school's going."  
  
He chuckles. "It's not school, that is tough, Haley J, it's being away from you. It's knowing that there is nothing to keep you from dating someone else. I guess I'm just jealous of the fact that you could be out there meeting someone new."  
  
I have to tell him now where I am. If I don't, and wait till later, he'll flip. "Look, Nathan, you should know where I am right now."  
  
"Please don't tell me that you're at some guy's house. Please don't tell me that you've already met someone new," he begs.  
  
"No! Of course not, Nate, there is no way that could possibly happen. Look, I have three classes with Brooke. That's how we started, well, I guess hanging out together. Tim Smith is in two of those classes, and I have another with just him. So, we're also hanging out with him."  
  
"And that's where you are now?"  
  
I sigh. He sounds so angry with me. "Yeah, he had a party last night that turned out to be a total flop, so he, Brooke, and I sat around drinking and watching crappy movies. I was too drunk to drive, so I crashed."  
  
"Yeah, okay," he says, not sounding happy with this, but at least not biting my head off, "But you know, as odd of a choice Brooke is for your new friend list? Tim is about a thousand times stranger to find out about."  
  
"I know," I laugh, "It's weird to me, too. But it's not a bad thing, Nathan. They're kind of fun and they make me laugh, and that's better than how it was last week when I walked around town in a daze missing you and the others. I don't want to cry every day because I don't have friends here."  
  
"I don't want that for you either. I guess that means if you want to be friends with Brooke and Tim, I can try and support that."  
  
"You're a really great guy, Nathan Scott," I whisper, missing him more in this moment that the rest of the time put together, "I'm terribly lucky to have you in my life."  
  
"Don't you know it," he laughs, and I join in. "Hey, baby? I have an early morning practice. It's probably more of a hazing thing, but I have to go."  
  
"Okay. I'm really glad you called, and I'm even gladder that you listened."  
  
"Anything for you, Haley J! Love you."  
  
"You, too," I say, smiling.  
  
I stay in here for a few minutes after hanging up with him, just letting myself miss him. Composing myself, I step back out into the living room where Brooke and Tim are waiting.  
  
"You okay?" Tim asks, sounding like he just might care.  
  
I nod, even manage a small smile. "Yeah, I'm fine. It wasn't too bad, actually," I laugh.  
  
"He pissed you're hanging out with us?" Brooke asks.  
  
"A little, Tigger," I tell her, deciding honesty is the best policy, "But I think he's mostly still just mad that I broke up with him."  
  
Brooke awkwardly puts an arm around my shoulder, I guess trying to comfort me. "I guess he'll be less mad when he starts making new friends," Tim points out.  
  
Brooke nods. "Sure, he'll get over it. Anyways, he's not here, and what does he think you're supposed to do? Sit in your room all day? Someone needs to get over himself, I'm thinking."  
  
I laugh. "It's not like that. This is just a weird adjustment period for us, you know?"  
  
"For everyone," Tim sighs, "I guess we all learn this the hard way." He laughs, looking around his apartment. "Hell, look at this place, you can't even tell I had a party here."  
  
"Uh, I hate to break it to you, Tim, but you didn't really," Brooke points out, "I mean, three people does not a party make. No one else stayed long enough to count as party guests, either."  
  
Tim and I laugh. "Well, when she's right, she's right," I agree.  
  
"Yeah, I guess it wasn't a party. Oh, well," he says brightening, "This wasn't so bad either. Maybe my parents weren't kidding when they said that not everything had to be a party."  
  
I shake my head. "If you'd learned that a few years ago, you might not be stuck in Tree Hill now."  
  
"Maybe being stuck here isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be," he muses.  
  
Maybe he's right. 


	3. Gypsy

A/N - If anyone has a suggestion on a OTH site where I can also post this story, I'd appreciate it. Thanks to all who have reviewed, I really appreciate them! :)

**Chapter Three – _Gypsy_**  
  
_'She is dancing away from you now, She was just a wish, she was just a wish, And her memory is all that is left for you now, You see your gypsy...' _- Stevie Nicks (Fleetwood Mac)  
  
November, 2006  
  
I've seen all the posters and pictures on the wall in Brooke's bedroom about twenty times now, but they're becoming extraordinarily fascinating as I focus on them to avoid hearing her conversation.  
  
"Okay, I understand, Mom," she sighs into the phone, "It's not like this is the first Thanksgiving I'll spend without you, right?"  
  
I can't help but wonder who she spends her holidays with, and a glance towards Tim tells me he's wondering the same thing. I'm kinda in the same boat, my parents were never interested in family time or holiday celebrations, so we often skipped them, but I had Lucas, Karen, and Keith. But Brooke, well, I'm getting the feeling that once she stopped speaking to Pey, she didn't have anyone.  
  
She finishes up her conversation with her mother, pacing all the while, and then collapses onto the loveseat Tim is sitting on.  
  
"I am so fucking sick of her," she mutters. Tim puts a comforting arm around her shoulders, and she smiles sadly at him.  
  
"It'll be okay," he tells her, "You can hang out with me for Thanksgiving. My family won't mind at all."  
  
She smiles, a little less sad this time, "It's not that, Tim. I mean, they've been gone for every major holiday that I can remember since, well, since I can remember, you know? But she acts like it is my fault or something. Like I did something to make them stay away."  
  
"Oh, that's not true, Tigger," I tell her, not liking her acting so depressed, "I don't know what it is, but I know it wasn't you."  
  
"I know that. But they pretend like they aren't selfish bastards and that it was something I did. They've been doing it since I was a baby, though, so what could I have done then?"  
  
Knowing it's rhetorical, which is somewhat surprising for him, Tim asks, "What do you do when they're gone? Whose house did you go to for holidays?"  
  
"When I was little, there were nannies. I usually just stayed with them. I didn't really get what a deal holidays were until kindergarten. And then, sometime after that, Peyton started inviting me over. After that? Well, I was old enough to know Santa Claus doesn't exist, so it didn't really matter."  
  
Tim and I exchange glances. "You shouldn't be alone on holidays," I tell her, grabbing her hand spontaneously, "Even if it's not with family, you should be with friends. Or surrogate family."  
  
"Not all of us have that, Tutor Girl."  
  
"Well, you do now," I tell her firmly. Tim nods in agreement. "If you don't want to go with Tim, then you're welcome to come with me to the café. That's where I go every year," I explain.  
  
"Really?" Tim asks, "What about your family?"  
  
"Same thing, kind of. Only my parents aren't jetsetters, they just don't care about holidays or celebrating. I mean, I have a lot of siblings, but they're all way older. I think my parents were just tired of being parents by the time they had me."  
  
I can tell they're both surprised. "I never knew that," Brooke says softly, "You're so together I just figured you had some sort of Brady Bunch upbringing or something."  
  
"Yeah, not so much. But Lucas, Karen, and Keith were a really great family for me, and then I had Nathan, Peyton, Jake, and Jenny, plus Jake's parents and Deb. It wasn't so bad. Maybe better, in some ways."  
  
"Sounds nice," Brooke says wistfully.  
  
"Well, then, that's that. You're coming with me to the café. Luke won't be there, and it's beginning to sound like Peyton won't either, so you should be in the clear. I know Karen always liked you," I inform her, which is true. Granted, she didn't push Lucas to find out what happened with Brooke, but I do know she liked her.  
  
"I don't know if that's such a good idea," she sighs, "It'd be weird."  
  
"Any weirder than this?" Tim laughs, gesturing to the three of us.  
  
"Wow, you know it's a weird situation when Tim Smith gets the bizarreness of it," Brooke deadpans.  
  
He raises his hands in protest. "Hey now, I'm not stupid. I know that I was a jerk, especially to you and your friends, Haley, so it's not like you guys have any reason to want to hang out with me."  
  
I ruffle his hair. "We've all done shitty things in the past, but there is no reason we can't move past them now, right?"  
  
He shrugs, looking semi-miserable. "I don't know, maybe I don't deserve it."  
  
"Where the hell is this coming from?" Brooke practically yells at him, "I mean, one minute we're talking about my abandonment issues, and now you're trying to martyr yourself over past behavior. I don't get it."  
  
I can't help but laugh at her speech. Tim looks at me in surprise, and Brooke glares at me. "Well, she's right," I choke out between laughs, "I mean, now is a pretty weird time to bring that up."  
  
"Now's as good a time as any?" he suggests feebly, not believing it himself. We fix him with our best woman-do-what-we-tell-you-now stare, and he quickly caves. "Look, I guess I just felt guilty. I have ever since I started hanging with you two. I've been an ass to both of you, and, oh, I don't know, there might've been a tiny part of me that thought this was some kind of revenge thing."  
  
I laugh. "I thought that about Brooke hanging out with me. Like it was to get back at Pey and Luke or something. She quickly disabused me of that notion." I wink at her.  
  
"Shit," Brooke swears, then sighs, "Can't this just be something that has nothing to do with past crap that's happened? This is totally separate, and it shouldn't be affected by what any of us have done in the past. It's working out fine so far, right?"  
  
I nod, kicking Tim on the leg so that he does the same. "Okay, how about this," I start, "Fresh slate. Past screw ups are just that, the past. If someone messes up going forward, then we'll deal with if it happens. Fair enough?"  
  
"Sounds good to me," Brooke bubbles in her trademark husky voice.  
  
"Okay," Tim says, taking a deep breath, "If you two are willing to cut me that slack, I won't deny you the right."  
  
I cock my head to the side, looking at them. "So, what are we doing for Thanksgiving?"  
  
"Argh, too much to deal with," Brooke complains, "I can hardly think about what I'm going to wear tomorrow, let alone where I'll be on a holiday that isn't until – hey, when is it?"  
  
"Next week," I inform, getting up for a trip the mini-fridge by the door. I grab myself a water, a Diet Pepsi for Brooke, and a Coke for Tim.  
  
"Next week? Where does time go?" she sighs. "So, I think this is the part where you each flatter me half to death trying to get me to attend your shindig!"  
  
I roll my eyes at her. "Well, you know what? You are both welcome to come to the café. I'll be there early helping with the cooking, so just let me know if you're interested and I'll put you on the list."  
  
I guess it's kind of assy of me to want them there so badly; Tim has family he could be with, but I'd still prefer if he came to the diner. They've just become a new constant for me – always in class, always ready to hang out or study, always ready to chat, and always dragging me out to do new things.  
  
It's fun – I honestly never would've I'd be having this much fun now. I guess it's easy to assume that spending the holidays with Tim and Brooke would be fun, too. Selfish, sure, but I can't shake that thought. It's like they're my buffer against missing my 'real' friends, which isn't fair to them at all. The mere thought actually makes me feel like all sorts of crap.  
  
Brooke and Tim are discussing the best way to handle Brooke's family-less Thanksgiving, so it's easy to get lost in my own thoughts. Would I ditch these two if Nathan, Luke, Pey, and Jake were back? I want to say 'no', but in all honesty, I can't.  
  
"Earth to Haley, come in Haley," Brooke spits out, partially amused that I'm so out of it, partially irritated that I'm not paying attention to her.  
  
"Oh, sorry, what'd I miss?"  
  
"Where'd you go? Thinking about Nathan again?" she asks, rolling her eyes.  
  
"Not really," I tell her, and it is somewhat honest, "I was just spacing out, not thinking of anything in particular."  
  
"Oh, okay," she says, although she shares a dubious look with Tim, "I guess I – well, we – were just wondering if you were wishing your holiday would be different. Obviously we aren't your first choice friends."  
  
She tries to make it sound like a joke, but like they say, behind every joke lies some truth. "It's not that at all," I try, going for the brush- off, "You know I miss them all, but that doesn't lessen the time we've spent together."  
  
"Hey, that works for me," Tim laughs, "What's that dipshit poem? 'Make new friends, but keep the old'?"  
  
"'One is silver and the others gold'!" Brooke and I finish, singing.  
  
"Oh, my God, we totally sang that at summer camp," Brooke laughs, "I can't believe you know that song, Tim!"  
  
"I didn't know it was a song," he mutters, looking at us like we've lost our minds. Probably because we're laughing like maniacs. Whatever.  
  
Brooke jumps up, moving away from the loveseat she was sitting on with Tim to come over and squeeze into the chair I'm sitting in with me. She elbows me lightly. "He is so lying," she smirks, "I'll bet you fifty bucks that he sang that song in Cub Scouts or some shit."  
  
I crack up, "Oh, can't you just picture a tiny, little Tim in a little Scout uniform? Oh, my God, Brooke, he was Tiny Tim!"  
  
She and I are both doubled over as Tim rolls his eyes and tries to look pissed off at us. "You two are really immature, you know that?"  
  
"Not as immature as you in your tiny Scout uniform!" Brooke retorts, clutching her stomach she's laughing so hard, "Did you have the shorts with the knee-high socks? Because that would've been so great!"  
  
"I wasn't in Scouts," he reasserts, but we just ignore him.  
  
"Brooke! We need pictures! I want to see Tiny Tim in his little Scouts uniform with the shorts and the vest and the socks!"  
  
She gasps, "I bet his mom has some!"  
  
I squeal, clapping my hands, which is awkward to do with Brooke half on my lap. Tim groans, "No, no, stay away from my mom, she doesn't have any pictures of that, I swear!"  
  
"Ooh, even if she doesn't, I'm sure she has other embarrassing ones!"  
  
"Naked tub pictures!" we say in unison causing Tim to bury his head in his hands, groaning. Brooke and I are cracking up.

Thanksgiving rolls around, and it's official – Jake and Jenny are the only ones coming back, and they'll be spending the day with his family. We've made plans to get together a few times while he's in town, but I'll be old friend-less for the first holiday in forever.  
  
Tim is spending the afternoon with his family, and Brooke is joining him, but I've talked them into coming by the café in the evening. Karen and Keith are perfectly fine with it. In fact, I'm guessing that Karen is relishing it a little bit since Lucas won't be around and this will be the smallest gathering for a holiday here since Peyton, Nathan, and Jake joined me and Lucas's group.  
  
"How's school going, Haley?" Karen asks as I set the table.  
  
"It's okay. My classes are pretty easy, but studying with Tim and Brooke helps to make it more interesting. Or fun, at least. I guess it's hard to infuse interest into biology if it isn't pre-existing for you."  
  
"Sounds true to me," she smiles.  
  
"How are you doing?" She's about five and a half months pregnant now, and she just glows. I've never seen a person so literally radiate happiness. It's amazing.  
  
"Aside from missing Lucas, I don't think I've ever been better. Keith and I are doing well, and I've got this little bundle to look forward to," she gestures to her stomach.  
  
"Keith must be thrilled beyond belief. I love seeing you guys so happy," I tell her seriously, impulsively grabbing her hand and squeezing it.  
  
"I know you do, sweetheart. And I'm glad to see you smiling so much more now, too. You're really developing a friendship with Brooke and Tim, aren't you?"  
  
I smile a little. "Yeah, it's weird, but we are."  
  
"Why is it weird?"  
  
I shake my head. "Wow, and I thought Lucas told you everything." We both laugh. "No, it's just each of my old friends dislikes one of them for some reason or another, or they dislike one of my old friends. You'd think it would be really uncomfortable, right? I guess because they haven't all been in the same room yet, it hasn't."  
  
She looks at me thoughtfully. "I know some of the history with Tim and Brooke, especially the whole Lucas, Brooke, and Peyton saga and Tim's hand in hazing Luke. But when you get older, stuff like that tends to fade into the woodwork a little. Who doesn't change throughout high school? Hell, look at Dan Scott – would you ever have thought he'd get to a point where'd he'd fly across the country to watch Lucas play basketball?" I chuckle, shaking my head 'no'. "There's good in everyone, Haley."  
  
"Yeah, there sure is. Thank you for letting me invite them, by the way. I didn't realize how important they'd become in my life until the Thanksgiving thing came up and it hit me that I wanted to spend it with them."  
  
"As long as they're friends to you, then they're more than welcome here," she smiles before she gets up to head back in the kitchen. She has perfect timing, as my phone starts ringing.  
  
"Peyton!" I greet, after glancing at the caller ID, "Happy Thanksgiving!"  
  
"Back at you! You will never guess where I am right this second!"  
  
"Um, New York City, at some fabulously quirky little art gallery listening to angst-y punk music being fawned over by a hot Indie guy?"  
  
She laughs. "Oh, how well you know my dream day. But no, that is not where I am. Oh, no, my darling Haley James, I am about two blocks away from Karen's Café, which is where I assume you are right now."  
  
I squeal. "Shut up! Oh, my God, I thought you were staying in the City! Why didn't you tell me, I'd have picked you up at the airport!"  
  
"I wanted to surprise you, but then I couldn't wait any longer! I hear Jake is in town, are he and Jen coming to dinner?"  
  
"Nope, they aren't," I tell her, realizing that Brooke and Pey in the same place will not be such a great thing, "Look, Pey, I have to tell you something. Brooke is going to be at dinner. With Tim Smith."  
  
She groans. "But I give her indigestion, amongst a ton of other ailments, I'm sure. Damn, now I really wish I'd have told you beforehand."  
  
I don't tell her that I'd have still invited them. "Look, I just wanted you to be forewarned. Um, I'm kind of guessing that Brooke isn't going to be thrilled to see you."  
  
"Forewarned is forearmed?" she questions with a sigh.  
  
"Something like that. Look, I'll try and get her to be on her best behavior. I don't want to tell her beforehand because I'm afraid she'll back out."  
  
"You guys are getting close, huh?" She sounds a little hurt, but she doesn't say anything other than that, so I don't push the matter.  
  
"We spend a lot of time together," I tell her carefully, "And since I'm gathering holidays are rough on her, I don't want to chase her away."  
  
"Yeah, no, you're right, absolutely. Would it be better if stayed away? We could hang out tonight, I mean, assuming you don't have plans."  
  
She comes walking in the door, and I squeal, turning my phone off and running to her for a hug. "I can't believe I'm here!" she laughs, squeezing me tight.  
  
"Me neither! This is so awesome, Pey, I've missed you so much!" I grab the coffee pot as she sits down. "So, tell me all about New York, it sounds so exciting and perfect for you."  
  
She laughs. "Yeah, it really is. Everything about it is opposite of Tree Hill, and it's working out pretty nice for me. And classes are even going well."  
  
"I'm glad to hear it, Pey. I'm happy you're happy." I smile genuinely at her.  
  
"What about you? How's everything here going for you so far? All I know about is Brooke and Tim – what else is going on?"  
  
I shrug, unsure how to describe it. "It's weird, but it's kind of a 'the more things change, the more they stay the same' situation here in old Tree Hill." I laugh, causing her to raise her eyebrows at me. "Sorry, I was just laughing at my overuse of the word 'weird' lately."  
  
"Well, as far as a word goes to describe how life is these days, that one works for me. Or crazy. That one works, too."  
  
It's fun, being with Peyton again, but it's weird, too. I know she's not okay that I've been hanging out with Brooke, and that she doesn't want to say so, though. I wish she'd just say it, though, but leaving it this way means we can both pretend it isn't there.  
  
"What time are they coming over?" she asks quietly.  
  
"Around 6, I think. They're going to Tim's parents for Thanksgiving lunch, and then dropping by here to keep Karen, Keith, and I company."  
  
"It's just y'all? I can't remember there ever being so few people here for a holiday," she says, shaking her head.  
  
"Well, Lucas and his friends are mostly gone," I point out gently, "And while Dan is acting human, I don't know if anyone is really ready for a family Thanksgiving."  
  
She shudders. "Now that would give new meaning to the word 'weird'. I think the world would forgive you for your overuse of the word then," she giggles.  
  
"I've ran into him a couple of times," I confide, "And he keeps trying to get me to go over to the dealership. Says he'd work out a really great deal for me on a new car. I don't know whether to be flattered or afraid."  
  
Her eyes are wide. "Maybe a little of both?"  
  
"Probably," I agree, "I don't know, but he does seem different. Even Lucas has said so."  
  
"Have you talked to him much? Or Nathan?"  
  
I shrug. "I talked to both of them a lot, but now that basketball is full swing, not so much. They're so busy that they don't have time to talk. At least to me – they talking to you much?"  
  
"Oh, no, not at all, really. And you know, it was okay, I have been busy, too. I didn't realize how much I missed them until I got here with you. At least Jake is in town. And hey, we're still going to go catch a game over Christmas break, right?"  
  
I nod, remembering her suggestion that go watch either Luke or Nathan play basketball, choosing who to see based on their locations. "Yeah, that'd be fun. I think Lucas's team will be in Florida. That's close enough that it won't be too expensive."  
  
"Sounds good to me. You sure you don't want to go wherever Nathan will be?" she asks, looking at me intently.  
  
"He'll be in Arizona. I mean, nice weather, yeah, but what is there to do there?"  
  
"I don't know, but I'm sure there's something. If you want to go there, we can. I'm sure Luke would understand."  
  
She smiles a little, shaking her head. "Well, whatever you say. And anyways, Florida definitely sounds more fun."  
  
"It's the week between Christmas and New Year's."  
  
"Perfect, I kinda wanted to be in New York for New Year's. Unless you wanted me to hang around."  
  
"Oh, no, no, you should be in New York. It'll be your first New Year's there, and I don't know anyone who'd rather be in Tree Hill!"  
  
"You're more than welcome to come visit," she smiles, "It'd be tons of fun. You, me, a city at our fingertips. Come on, Hales, come visit!"  
  
I laugh at her. "You're wandering dangerously close to whining territory, you know, and that isn't going to get you anywhere with me."  
  
"Hah, I should've known. All those years with the Scott brothers has turned you immune to the whining. Damn. I should've known, seriously!"  
  
I nod, winking at her. "You definitely should've. Well, you're okay with dinner with Brooke and Tim, right? I mean, I can't un-invite them."  
  
"No, you shouldn't even if you could. It'll be fine, I'll just sit far away from her, and I'll even promise to ignore all of her catty comments, okay?"  
  
I look at her, remembering something that Brooke had told me, but unsure if this was even any of my business. Deciding if it's not she can tell me to butt out, I ask, "What happened with you and Brooke? She said that you guys were on the path towards making up, and then – well, obviously it didn't happen."  
  
I don't think I should reveal that Brooke told me Pey 'chose' Lucas over Brooke when Brooke asked her not to see Lucas. Even though Brooke felt it was fine if I knew, I don't know how Pey feels about it.  
  
She sighs. "She just couldn't get over it. She thought she could, I believed her, and then she flipped out about it. Couldn't stand me again."  
  
I don't know if I'm surprised or not that she's sugar-coated the truth, but I shrug it off, figuring it isn't my business. "Okay," I smile.  
  
"Why, did she say something different?" she asks, sounding defensive.  
  
"She hasn't said much about it at all, Peyton." I shrug, "I don't know, I think it's still a sore spot for her, and maybe she's not exactly ready to face it yet."  
  
Peyton rolls her eyes. "I doubt it's that much of a sore spot, Haley. She has thrown it back in my face a thousand times how much she hates me. Sore for me, is more like it."  
  
I nod, letting it go. I disagree with her, but dragging this conversation out isn't going to do anyone any good, so it's pointless.  
  
"Well," I say, clearing my throat, "Hopefully things will stay calm tonight. I think Karen is looking forward to having people here."  
  
She smiles slightly. "Yeah, I bet. There's definitely an empty feeling here that I can't ever remember experiencing before."  
  
Could she rub it in a little more? No, that's not fair, she's not saying this to hurt me, I know that. "She misses Luke a lot, and it is definitely more quiet around here these days."  
  
"Time marches on, huh?"  
  
I laugh. "Yeah, no stopping it. It's not such a bad thing, though."  
  
"Shut up. Don't tell me that Haley "I hate change, change is the work of the devil" James is learning to accept and embrace change."  
  
I roll my eyes, shoving her lightly. "You're a brat. Anyways, I wouldn't say that. Change still freaks me out, but I am willing to admit it isn't always the worst thing in the world."  
  
"Wow, I'm impressed. That is a big admission from one Haley James. I think this warrants a call to Nathan," she teases, whipping out her phone, scrolling through her address book.  
  
I'm positive she's bluffing, so I ignore, even when she starts talking to 'Nathan' and 'Haley has started accepting change'. When she says 'Sure, here she is', I just roll my eyes at her and take the phone, ready to call her bluff.  
  
"Hi Nate!" I chirp into the phone, "Yes, I have accepted change. In fact, now I embrace it and I welcome and I want more of it. Everything that has happened in the last few months have been wonderful and beautiful, and I wouldn't change a second of it. Oh, and all the sex with strangers that I've been having has been great. That good enough for ya, Pey?"  
  
"Haley?"  
  
I drop the phone like it burned me. I look up to see Peyton staring at me with a horrified look on her face. "Peyton, I thought you were joking!" I yell, breathing hard in my surprise.  
  
"Well, sorry! Don't just stand there like a moron, Haley, pick up the phone and talk to him!"  
  
I groan, knowing automatically that this phone call can't go anywhere good. "Nathan?" I whisper, "Please say something and tell me you didn't hang up on me for being a big asshole. Please?"  
  
"Haley," he sighs, "What the hell is going on?"  
  
"Oh, Nathan, I'm so sorry, I thought Peyton was messing around when she said you were on the phone," I try to explain, glaring at her. She shrugs back, mouthing an apology. "I was just playing around."  
  
"How many guys have you had one night stands with?" he asks, sounding uncomfortably (for me) close to tears.  
  
"God, Nathan, none! You know me better than that! That was purely for Pey's benefit, it was just a joke! I can't believe you'd think I was sleeping with strangers."  
  
"You said it, not me," he retorts, "Look, Haley, what's going on? Why is Pey there?"  
  
"She came back for her break instead of staying in New York. And we were just goofing around. When I told her I was getting used to all the change I've been growing through, she pounced on it and called you. That's all, I swear it was nothing."  
  
"I don't even know what to think anymore, Haley J," he says, his use of my nickname slightly reassuring.  
  
"Nathan, come on, you know how it is."  
  
"Do I?" he challenges, "Because if I did, maybe I'd understand why you won't let us be together. Maybe then I'd understand even a little of this. But I don't, so maybe I don't know how it is, either."  
  
I don't even know what to say. Maybe he's right – maybe there is no way for me to make him understand this, although I tend to believe it is just more unwillingness on his part. This is just out of hand now.  
  
"Nathan, look, it was a stupid misunderstanding of a joke. If you want to be mad at me because of it, I guess that's your right."  
  
"That's not why I'm mad at you, Haley. I'm just mad you're pushing me so far away. I hate feeling so separated from you, especially since I know you want it that way."  
  
I nod, although he can't see it. "Nathan, I'm just trying to do what's best." Peyton looks at me sympathetically. I sigh, feeling tears coming on. "Why can't you understand that I can't let you limit yourself to me?"  
  
"Ah, so that really is what it's all about? You really think that if we stayed together you'd be holding me back or something? Haley, that's just not the case. I love you," he states, causing my tears to spill over, "And that's not going to change because you tell me it should. That's ridiculous!"  
  
I don't know what to do anymore. "Maybe it is ridiculous," I concede, "But it is what it is, and I'm not changing my mind. Nathan, you are some young, hotshot basketball player, and I will not be the one to hold you down, okay? In ten years, I would die if you woke up one morning and realized you hated me for holding you back. Die, do you understand that?"  
  
He sighs into the phone. "Hales, it couldn't be like that. Do you have any idea how much I love you? Need you? You're my world, you're the only person I trust one hundred percent, and I don't mind telling you, it's getting harder and harder to keep trusting you like that when you're doing this."  
  
I start full-on crying. Peyton moves over to me, wrapping her arms around me from behind. "Why does this have to be so hard?" I choke out, "Why can't we just be friends?"  
  
"Why can't we be friends? Shit, Haley, after all we've been through, that's just barely even a possibility. We were lovers, Haley, soulmates, and – well, you know." He can't even say it now, and I don't blame him.  
  
"I know, I know how much more than friends we were, but Nathan, I don't think it's in either of our best interests to try and continue that now."  
  
"No?" he challenges, "Well, I'm miserable here. And I know – I know – Haley, that I'd be a thousand times happier if you would stop this ridiculous break up. And you, are you happy?"  
  
I try and choose my words carefully. "I'm not unhappy, Nathan. I've made some friends, and I have fun occasionally."  
  
"Well, good for you." Click.  
  
"Shit," I curse, "He hung up on me. I can't believe this."  
  
Pey wraps her arms tighter around me. "It'll be okay, Hales. He'll get over it, we both know he will. Nathan isn't one to hold grudges."  
  
I shake my head, pulling away. "I don't know. I think this is it, I've finally driven him away, Pey. I know I've said that before, but it was different this time. Things are different now, and I hate it."  
  
"Hate it like you're having second thoughts about breaking up with him?"  
  
"No, I maintain that was the right decision. What I told him is true, I'm afraid he'd stay with me and regret it some day. I couldn't live with that, Pey, I just couldn't."  
  
She pulls away from me. "Okay, so if nothing is going to change, stop moping. Obviously you aren't going to get through to Nate, so maybe this just needs to end quickly. Rip that band-aid off."  
  
I roll my eyes at her, a little pissed she's being this way when she knows how huge and hard this is for both myself and Nathan. "That's impossible. There is no way I can do that, and I don't even know why you would think I possibly could!"  
  
She holds her hands up. "Fine, sorry. I was just thinking that this has gone on long enough, and that dragging it out anymore is detrimental to you both."  
  
"So, what? Cut him off? Ignore his calls, ignore wanting to talk to him as a friend? I can't do that, Peyton, not to him, or me."  
  
"It was just a suggestion, Hales, don't get so defensive."  
  
I nod, sitting back down across the table from her. She takes the seat I had vacated. "Sorry, Pey. I'm just stressed about this shit. More than I knew, I guess."  
  
She nods. "I know, I'm sorry. There I go again, not minding my own business. I know you'll figure out a way to do what's best for all of you."  
  
"I just wish – well, in all honesty, I wish that we didn't love each other so much. That makes it so damn hard."  
  
"Maybe its just lust now?" she suggests.  
  
"It was never really about lust for us," I tell her with a sigh, "But it'd be easier if it was. It's so hard this way."  
  
She nods, about to say something when the door swings open. "Keith!" she exclaims with a grin, "How are you? Happy Thanksgiving!"  
  
"Hey ladies," he smiles, "It's good to see both of you." He gives Peyton a hug. "How's the big city treating you?"  
  
"It's great, I love it there."  
  
"I'm glad to hear it," he smiles, "Okay, I have to get upstairs. Karen gets, uh, a little moody these days."  
  
Pey nods, looking confused. "Why is she moody? Something going on?"  
  
I realize no one mentioned the pregnancy to her. "Oh, my God, Luke didn't tell you? Karen is pregnant!"  
  
She gasps goofily. "Shut up! That is so awesome! How come no one ever tells me the good stuff?" she pouts.  
  
I shrug. "I figured Luke was bragging to everyone he knew who would listen. Especially now that they're telling people, too."  
  
She smiles brightly. "Well, that's wonderful. Are they finally going to bite the bullet and get married?"  
  
I cringe briefly at her words, but hope it doesn't show. "I don't know, not that I've heard. It feels like it's inevitable, though."  
  
"Yeah, it definitely does. They're meant to be. Some people just are," she says cryptically, "And some aren't." She adds extra emphasis to 'aren't'.  
  
I ignore that. "Yeah, well, they'll do it when they're ready."  
  
The afternoon passes quickly. Karen and I finish up the food while Peyton heads to her dad's place to fix herself up, so she isn't here when Brooke and Tim arrive. Brooke, true to form, bounces over and hugs me. Tim hugs me, too, but much more sedately.  
  
"Tigger, can I talk to you in the kitchen for a second?"  
  
She nods, looking baffled. "Well, I should warn you that I don't know much about cooking. In fact, not much means none, in this case. So if you have questions about the stuffing or something, you might want to get Karen."  
  
I laugh. "It's not a cooking question." I grab her hand. "Just come with me."  
  
"I told you I don't swing that way, Tutor Girl," she jokes, "So what the hell is going on?"  
  
Just then the door opens, and Peyton steps in. I cringe, and Brooke turns around, seeing her. She turns back to me, calmly, squeezes my hand and pulls me into the kitchen.  
  
"What the hell is she doing here, Haley?" Ouch, first name.  
  
"I'm sorry, that's why I was dragging you in here. She called earlier this afternoon, and just showed up. Please believe that I didn't know!" If someone had told me five months ago that I'd be practically begging Brooke Davis for anything, I'd have laughed in their face. But here we are.  
  
She sighs, looking tense. "I just – I don't know if I can sit there with her, at the same table, for an entire meal. Especially a long one like Thanksgiving."  
  
I take a deep breath. "Okay. Fair enough. If you can't stay, I'll understand, but I'd really like it if you did."  
  
She peers at me. "Yeah, I think you would." She says it like she's surprised – I don't know, maybe she is.  
  
"I would. Not only me, but Karen, too. She likes you a lot, Tigger, so it'd be a shame for you to leave just because Peyton's here."  
  
She slings an arm around my neck. "You know what? I am not going to leave. You and Tim are here, Karen is here, and it would be really nice to spend a holiday with people who actually want me around. And I won't let her drive me off with my tail between my legs again"  
  
"Good," I tell her, returning her embrace, "We definitely want you here. Plus, you won't find better food anywhere else."  
  
"Oh, Tutor Girl, how well you know me," she mutters, rolling her eyes, "Food is so high up on my list."  
  
"Enough with the sarcasm!" I tell her.  
  
She shrugs. "Can I help it if my wit overwhelms you? I think not."  
  
"Okay," I laugh, "So you ready to go back out there?"  
  
"No, first I want you to tell me what's bothering you."  
  
"What? Why would something be bothering me? I'm fine, Tigger, don't worry about me." I smile at her, trying to convince both of us.  
  
"You're a liar," she retorts.  
  
"Honestly, come on. What good would it do for me to lie about something bothering me? None. I'm fine, I promise."  
  
"Tutor Girl, haven't we established I'm not a total moron?" I nod. "Okay, so I can tell that something is bugging you. I've spent enough time with you to realize that by now."  
  
I sigh, realizing I ain't winning this fight. "Fine, Peyton and I were talking about how I've kind learned to accept change a little, so she pretended to call Nathan, and when she gave me the phone, I said a whole bunch of shit about of how great my life is now, how many guys I've slept with, blah blah blah I'm stupid."  
  
"Huh. And he was really on the phone?" I nod miserably. "And he threw a fit, obviously, or else you wouldn't be upset about it. Tell him to get a life next time."  
  
"Like I can do that," I scoff.  
  
"He might disagree with your decision to break up, and yeah, that's his choice. But it doesn't give him the right to treat you like crap," she points out.  
  
"Thanks," I tell her, squeezing her hand. Right or wrong, it's nice to have someone completely on my side, biased or not. "You ready to head out there?"  
  
"As ready as I'll ever be, I guess," she smiles. It's a nervous smile, though, which catches my attention.  
  
"It'll be okay, Tigger, I'm sure Peyton will be on her best behavior. And you two will sit at opposite ends of the table."  
  
"Thanks. Okay, let's go."  
  
We go back out there, finding Tim and Peyton quietly conversing. Tim looks relieved to see us for whatever reason, and makes a beeline towards Brooke, guiding her to a chair away from Peyton. I pick what I hope is a neutral seat right in the middle, not too close or too far from anyone.  
  
Karen and Keith come in, each carrying platters of food. "Can we help?" Tim asks.  
  
"No, no, you kids stay seated and visit. We don't mind at all," Keith smiles, "Oh, and in case anyone has moral opposition to my brother, which isn't so impossible, he and Deb will be stopping by for dessert."  
  
Peyton particularly looks surprised and fascinated by this, and when Karen and Keith are back in the kitchen asks, "So, it really is one big, happy Scott family now, huh?"  
  
I shrug. "Dunno about that, but things are definitely improved. Dan really is different, I guess."  
  
Tim nods. "I ran into him last night, and he was not only cordial, but actually friendly. It was a little unnerving."  
  
I laugh. "That's how I felt the first time he was nice to me. Like I was waiting for the other shoe to drop. But it seems genuine, surprisingly enough. Even now that Nathan is gone, he's still being freakishly nice to me."  
  
Brooke smirks, "Well, I wouldn't trust him. Can you really forget the years where he was the town terror?"  
  
"Excuse me," Peyton growls, "But if that was a thinly veiled insult directed at me, then save your breath, Brooke."  
  
Peyton has a very malicious look on her face, and I can tell the possibility of bloodshed is there. Brooke, for her part, does look confused.  
  
"It had nothing to do with you, Peyton. I'm sure it's shocking, but the whole world? It does not revolve around you." She rolls her eyes and tosses her hair. Tim catches my eye and mimes diving under the table for cover. I almost laugh, but hold it in. "But for the record, trust isn't something I'd recommend anyone give freely to you either, Peyton," she finishes.  
  
"So, Peyton, how's life in New York?" Tim asks, jumping in.  
  
"It's fine," she mutters mindlessly, turning back to Brooke, "There are tons of girls on the street corners that remind me of you. I'm sure you'd fit right in with them."  
  
"Peyton!" I gasp, appalled, but unsure what else to say.  
  
Brooke shakes her head. "It's okay, Tutor Girl. Don't worry about it." She calmly picks up her water glass and takes a sip.  
  
Karen and Keith come back in with the rest of the food, mercifully putting an end to wherever this conversation was going. Karen says a brief grace, and then we all dig in, except Peyton, who sits there and pouts.  
  
Brooke bounces back nicely, though, engaging everyone except Peyton in conversation. Peyton mopes throughout the entire dinner, politely speaking only to Karen and Keith, who, for their part, try to ignore the obvious tension in the room. Tim also does his best to ignore the tension.  
  
Peyton ignores every attempt I make at including her in the conversation, so I basically give up trying. What's the point when she is so obviously set in this funk? All in all, aside from the tension it's okay. Tim is on his best behavior so there are no threesome jokes, and Brooke proves to be as charming with adults as she can be with our peers.  
  
When dinner is over, Karen and Keith insist upon clearing the table themselves, not allowing any of us to help. I'm tempted to do so anyways; the tension in here is almost too thick to bear. Once they're in the kitchen loading the dishwasher, Peyton grabs me by the arm and drags me outside.  
  
"What the hell is going on, Hales? Why are you taking that bitch's side?"  
  
I gape at her. I don't know what to say. "Peyton, since when do you have such hate for Brooke? I mean, I know you guys aren't on good terms, but you always sounded so sad when you talked about her and what happened."  
  
"Yeah, well, that's just not the case, is it?" she snaps, "And you! I can't believe how you are treating her. You're acting like she hasn't done anything wrong!"  
  
"Well, she hasn't," I tentatively inform her.  
  
Wrong thing to say. She practically explodes. "Goddammit, Haley! She comes into the café owned by the mother of one of my best friends, commandeers the attention of one of my other best friends, and I'm the bad guy! What the fuck is that?" she screams.  
  
"Peyton, calm down," I implore, "This isn't doing anyone any good!"  
  
"Shut up! Don't tell me what's good and what isn't!" she shouts as she gestures wildly, "You don't have a clue how I'm feeling right now!"  
  
I shake my head at her. "So what? You think this is helping? You think I can understand better when you scream at me like I've done something wrong? Pey, this is ridiculous!"  
  
She just glares at me. "I should've known, I'm sure. Of course you'd take her side. God, how could I be so stupid as to think you were actually my friend?"  
  
I just gape at her. I don't know what else there is for me to do. "Peyton, where is this coming from? You know you're my friend and you know I love you! This is just so out of the blue, I don't get it!"  
  
"You know what? I have to go. There are countless other places I could be where I'd actually be welcome. I think I'll go to one of those." And with that, she storms off to her car. I stare after her for a minute, kind of unsure what to do.  
  
"Haley? Are you okay?" I look up, stupidly surprised to see Deb and Dan staring at me, Dan waiting for an answer to his question.  
  
"Uh, I guess you saw that, huh?" I ask with a little laugh, "I'm sorry, I just – I don't know what's going on."  
  
Deb walks over and puts an arm around me. "Oh, honey, what happened?"  
  
I shrug helplessly. "She wasn't supposed to come home for Thanksgiving, but she called me earlier from just outside the diner. And then after dinner, she freaked out at me because I had invited Brooke and Tim. I don't know why, she's always said she wanted to reconcile with Brooke, but now she's acting like she hates both of us." I know I sound bewildered, but I can't help it.  
  
"Perhaps it was just a misunderstanding," Dan suggests, "Or holiday stress?"  
  
I manage a small smile at him. "Maybe, I don't know. It was just weird. And today, ugh, today has been a nightmare." And I really don't want to think it, but I can't help but notice that Peyton started every aspect of the nightmare.  
  
He smiles back as I take one of the three pies he's carrying from him. "Well, things have a way of working themselves out. If I'm not living proof of that, then nothing is," he jokes.  
  
Deb groans, "Oh, Dan, don't remind us, please! Now, Haley, aside from this trouble, how are you? I haven't seen you in a few weeks, but Dan told me he ran into you last Monday."  
  
"I'm okay, really. School and work are keeping me nice and busy," I tell her, "And yes, I ran into Dan. He's still trying to get me to buy a new car from him."  
  
He smirks. "I'm just saying I think you should have more reliable transportation, and I am just the guy to get you the perfect deal!"  
  
Deb pats him on the back. "That's my husband, a real humanitarian," she jokes, and I laugh, but only after they both do. This is still so surreal; I think Nathan would be having apoplexy if he were here to witness this.  
  
We all head back inside, Brooke and Tim looking at me in concern as I set the pie down on the table. I smile at them, mouthing 'later' so that they know I'm not going to talk about it now. Dessert is fun, though, and despite a tiny bit of awkwardness, it turns out to be the best part of the day.  
  
Once dessert is over, Deb and Karen clean up while Dan and Keith stay and chat with us. It is so weird to see those two interact on a brotherly level. Well, it's weird to see Dan interact with anyone on any kind of normal level. But when he says that he and Deb are discussing having another child, it doesn't seem like the most appalling thing in the world.  
  
Keith grins at this news, and tells him that it'd be nice for his and Karen's child to have someone to grow up with. Brooke and Tim congratulate him and wish him luck, although Brooke looks quite skeeved out that someone of Dan and Deb's advanced age would be trying for children.  
  
I smile genuinely at him. "Nathan would really love to have a younger sibling. He'd spoil him or her like crazy, but he'd really love it. And Lucas would, too." I'm not as sure about Lucas, but I know that if he can accept and come to love Nathan, then he'd do the same for a baby.  
  
His face lights up. "You think so? I know it's asking a lot, but I'd like to form some kind of family with them. And if we do have another child, I'd like them to be happy about it. Or at least accepting. I can't ask too much," he sighs.  
  
Keith pats him on the shoulder in that manly, jock way. "It'll all work out, Dan."  
  
Brooke, Tim, and I leave shortly after that, but not before I promise Dan I'll stop by the dealership next Monday and look at cars with him. Karen and Deb both give me warm hugs, and Keith ruffles my hair the way he has since – well, since I can remember. We take a walk while we decide what we're going to do tonight.  
  
"That was a weird meal," Tim says, breaking the silence, "I remember sophomore year, how much Nathan hated Lucas and Dan hated, well, everybody, and it just makes that whole scene so hard to believe."  
  
"Tell me about it," I laugh.  
  
"What happened with Peyton?" Brooke asks, "She seemed really upset. We could see out the window, not that we were watching."  
  
I shrug, unsure what to say. Fact of the matter is that I don't know what happened. I don't know why Peyton freaked out when she's always said that she wishes her and Brooke could mend things.  
  
"I don't know what happened. She just started screaming at me, and then stomped off in a huff. Apparently I'm evil for taking someone's side beside hers."  
  
"Mine, you mean," Brooke states, "Look, I'm really sorry that my presence caused you so many problems. I, um, I didn't want that."  
  
"I know," I tell her, smiling, "And it's not like you did anything wrong. She just – you know, she's always – always – said that she hated how your friendship ended, that she wanted to be your friend again. So, why would she treat you like this? I don't get it."  
  
Brooke looks like she wants to say something, but just shrugs instead.  
  
"Maybe she's just doing another of her moody, pseudo punk things," Tim contributes, "I remember Peyton getting randomly pissy occasionally for no reason other than....well, no reason, I guess."  
  
Brooke laughs bitterly. "Well, she'll come around, Tutor Girl, you'll be as chummy as always soon, I'm sure."  
  
"We'll see, I guess."  
  
Tim snorts, "Why would you want to be friends with such a bitch anyways? I'm sorry, but that's just stupid."  
  
I laugh. "Maybe you're right. But she isn't always like this. In fact, I've never seen her like this, that's why it's so hard to figure out what the hell is going on."  
  
Tim pats me on the head. I raise an eyebrow at him, silently questioning his methods of affection. "I don't know, you looked like you needed comfort."  
  
"So you pat her on the head?" Brooke asks, "Real slick there, stud!"  
  
I laugh at the two of them. "Y'all are freaks, but I have to admit that I kind of like that about you."  
  
Brooke curtsies and Tim just smiles kind of, well, dumbly. "We aim to please, right Slick?" Brooke smiles, elbowing Tim on her way up from her curtsy.  
  
"Oh, yeah," he agrees, "I like to do some pleasing. If you know what I mean." We both groan as he waggles his eyebrows suggestively.  
  
"Oh, gag me," I laugh, linking arms with Brooke, "That's classy Tim."  
  
"Yeah, remind me why you're single again," Brooke requests, giggling, "Because you're such a catch that I just can't get it!"  
  
Christmas came and went, and it was pretty much how I predicted it would be – lonely, sad, a little miserable, but also good. Peyton came back to Tree Hill again, and she and I patched things up enough that I accepted her last minute gift of plane tickets to Florida to see Luke play.  
  
Things are still tense between us, and sitting her next to her on the plane, I'm beginning to realize that I have no idea what to say to her. How did this happen?  
  
"Haley?" she says tentatively.  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"I'm sorry about Thanksgiving. I know I haven't said that, and I really know that I should've – no, could've – but I've been selfish and haven't."  
  
"You know, I'd really rather not talk about that, Peyton. It just, well, I don't know if anything we say about it is going to change anything, so why bother? Last time we talked about it, you stormed off."  
  
"Couldn't we chalk that up to heat of the moment or something?" she asks, nervous sounding. I really couldn't give a shit how nervous she is; she brought all of this on herself and me. No sympathy from me.  
  
"No, we can't," I tell her bluntly, "And that's exactly why I don't think we should be having this conversation. Nothing good will come of it."  
  
She looks rather dumbfounded. "I – I, well, fine. Whatever you want. But this is really something we should talk about Hales. We're friends, we've been friends for several years now, and I hate that there is this thing between us right now."  
  
"Peyton, I don't know what to say. I just do not know how to reconcile your behavior at the café on Thanksgiving with the Peyton I've known since sophomore year! It was so uncalled for, so out of character, but it happened. I can't forget that, I can't forget the look on Brooke's face."  
  
Peyton snorts. "She's really done a number on you, Haley James."  
  
"What are you talking about?" I ask quietly.  
  
"She's got you believing that she has the capacity to feel hurt or upset or even anything. That's not possible with Brooke, she has no emotions. She's like a little robot." She tries to make it sound like a joke, but neither of us are laughing.  
  
"Jesus, Pey, what happened? You have always been broke up about what happened with you and Brooke, and you told me countless times that you hated how much you hurt her, that you would've done anything, anything if it meant being her friend again! Now you're saying she doesn't have the capacity to hurt?"  
  
She leans back heavily in her chair. The couple in the seats next to us are giving us odd looks, but I don't really care.  
  
"It wasn't like that. I wanted to make up for what I did, but she's so heartless, she wouldn't even hear me out, Hales!"  
  
"Peyton, please, let's just drop it." She readily agrees, smiling brightly at me and chattering on about a good punk/metal club she had info on. All I can think about is what Brooke has told me, and I don't know what to do.  
  
It's such a conflict, this old life/new life stuff. The one good thing about the next couple days will be watching Luke play and hopefully getting a night to hang out with him. He thinks that is a possibility since the coach promised to make curfew exceptions to players with family in town, and who am I to Luke if not family?  
  
We spend two days at the beach during the day and at clubs at night. Both nights Peyton meets hot college boys that she makes out with while I stand around like a loser wishing I was anywhere else. Lucas hasn't been able to come out with us yet due to early games, so that part of the trip isn't even panning out.  
  
The worst part is that I feel like Pey and I are getting further and further apart with each passing minute. We barely talk, and we avoid situations where we might have to at all costs. Tonight, for instance, I went for a jog on the beach, and by the time I got back, Peyton had eaten and was plastered.  
  
I don't know what to do about it. Hell, I don't know if there is anything I can do about it. Maybe I'm stupid and making a really rash decision here, but because of what Brooke has told me and the way Peyton has acted since Thanksgiving, I feel like I can't trust her anymore. I'm tempted to ask if it is true that she promised Brooke she'd do anything to get their friendship back, and then broke that promise by hanging with Lucas.  
  
Because I apparently have some good luck left, my phone rings, which is more than enough to snap me out of this depressing reverie.  
  
"Hello?" I sing-song, seeing that it is Lucas on the caller ID.  
  
"Hey, Hales! Guess who has some free time tonight and wants to spend it with his best buddy ever..."  
  
"Why – why could it be the ever-popular, the amazing, the gorgeous basketball stud Mr. Lucas Scott?" I chirp out in a fan girl voice.  
  
He laughs. "Well, my dear, it certainly could be. You know, if you want it to! So, what do you say? You, me, and Peyton, hanging out tonight?"  
  
"Uh, actually, I think it is just going to be you and me, cowboy. Peyton left, probably for a bar."  
  
"What?" He sounds confused. "Why would she be out at a bar already? It's only 6, and I know Peyton can throw them back better than anyone we know, but come on. Isn't that too early for even her?"  
  
"Not on this trip," I mutter, knowing I can't really complain because I haven't been helping the situation.  
  
"Sounds ominous," he comments, "And you can tell me all about it. Meet in the lobby of your hotel in fifteen minutes?"  
  
"I'll be there!"  
  
"Good."  
  
We hang up and I go about making myself at least a tiny bit presentable. I spent the entire couple days we've been here on the beach, so I'm a nice golden brown and my hair has lightened several shades. I look like a sun- kissed beach bum, which isn't so bad.  
  
I head for the lobby ten minutes later, figuring Luke will be early and knowing it will impress him if I am, too.  
  
"Hey, look at you," he says from behind me. I whip around, jumping into his arms. "Hales, God, I really missed you."  
  
"I missed you, too!" I pull away from him, smiling. "God, everything about you is perfect. I missed you so much, Lucas Scott!"  
  
He pulls me into another hug. "I missed you, too. There is no one half as fun to hang out with as you."  
  
"You know it," I tell him with a grin, "It is so good to see you again. So, what are we going to do? Bar, beach, dinner?"  
  
He matches my grin. "Oh, no. I was thinking your hotel room, movies, and tons of junk food!"  
  
I groan, "Oh, Lucas, I'm on a diet, I can't eat that crap!"  
  
He gapes at me. "You – you are on a diet? You've never dieted before? Besides, you look perfect, so what's going on, Hales?"  
  
I shrug, "I'm just moral support for Brooke's diet, mostly. Apparently dieting is a strength in numbers thing."  
  
He rolls his eyes. "First of all, that is ridiculous. Second, you're so tight with Brooke that you'd keep a diet while you're on vacation instead of pigging out with me? And – and what you do on vacations don't count, right? It's a gimme, I think!"  
  
My turn to roll my eyes. "Please, so we could have sex here in the lobby and it wouldn't count?" His eyes bulge out and he looks ill. "Geez, thanks, your reaction was flattering! It's a good thing that was just an example, you butthead!"  
  
"I, um, well, fine, so you're on a diet. You're not one of those mean dieters on sitcoms where they freak out when their friends or family eat real food in front of them, are you?"  
  
I wink at him, laughing. "Well, let's make a run to the store and find out, huh?"  
  
We go to a convenience store around the corner, both still too ingrained with the idea that bargains are good to go to the better located hotel store. We stock up on junk food, and looking at the selection in Luke's arms, I know I'll be giving in and jumping off the diet for the night.  
  
We each pick out a movie and rent a VCR from the front desk on our way up to the room. I'm not sure what time Peyton will be back here, and at this point I don't even know if I care. It doesn't really matter anymore when there is nothing for us to say to the other.  
  
We make a huge mess over my bed, which we are both sitting on, throwing popcorn and candy at each other. I fill Luke in on what's gone on with Peyton since Thanksgiving, and while he looks mildly surprised, he tries to tell me that it's best I stay out of the uber-complicated Peyton/Brooke relationship. If that was possible, I would.  
  
We let the subject go and just watch the movie, occasionally interjecting our own commentary, making each other laugh. For awhile it feels like we are back in Luke's bedroom in Tree Hill, and that once the movie is over, I'll head over to Nathan's. Of course, this isn't the case, but it's nice that for a little while I can pretend that it is.  
  
We're talking about the classes he's taking next semester when Peyton comes stumbling in the room, obviously inebriated. Lucas's eyes reflect his surprise as she glares at us.  
  
"What the hell is wrong with you two?" she barks, "Could you at least pretend to care about someone other than yourselves? This mess is disgusting!"  
  
If this situation wasn't so uncomfortable, I'd laugh at the fact that Luke's jaw has literally dropped open and he is gaping at her now.  
  
"Hey Pey," he tries, "We were hoping you'd get here soon."  
  
"Oh, bullshit, Luke, do you really think I'm that stupid?" Neither of us know what to say to her, so we just watch in silence as she gathers her stuff up, stealing glances at each other.  
  
She fills one of her suitcases and takes off again, stopping only to glare at us from the doorway.  
  
"O-o-oh," Luke stutters, "I think I see what you mean now. What the hell was that? Please, tell me I just imagined that!"  
  
"I wish I could."  
  
"Is that how she's been acting towards you, Hales?" he asks, his voice tight and hard.  
  
"I – well, sort of. That was the worst."  
  
"Stay away from her," he orders.  
  
"What?" I'm completely baffled that he'd order me to stay away from Pey.  
  
"I'm not kidding, Hales. Peyton gets really self-destructive, and I know for a fact that she's not one to shy away from taking others down with her," he grimly informs me, "And I don't want you in her line of fire."  
  
"What the hell are you talking about, Luke?"  
  
He sighs, looking away. "Look, I promised Peyton I'd never tell anyone about this. So did Jake. She got help and everything, so it didn't seem like something that people should know."  
  
"Okay, you're scaring me, what's going on?"  
  
"You remember the summer after sophomore year? Duh, of course you remember, anyways. That summer, Peyton and Brooke kinda became friends again. Maybe friends is pushing it, but they found a way to be civil to each other. I guess you know more about than me, that was the summer I was in Charleston with Keith."  
  
I nod, knowing all this. "Yeah, so what's with the history lesson?"  
  
"Let me finish," he sighs, "It gets a lot more interesting."  
  
And it did. Oh, how it did.  
  
"So let me get this straight," I say when he has finally finished, "You and Jake caught Peyton trying to poison Brooke's vodka? And instead of, oh, say calling the police, you hooked her up with a psychologist? And this was after an entire summer of her completely insane shenanigans! Oh, but I'm the only one you don't see fit to tell? That is bullshit, Luke!"  
  
"I can't believe you're more angry that we didn't tell you than you are about all the shit she tried to pull," he grumbles.  
  
"I just don't like being kept out of the loop. I really don't like that you told Nate so he could 'protect me'. This whole thing is bogus. And that doesn't even scratch the surface in terms of Peyton and what she did." I rub my hands over my eyes, suddenly dead tired. "I can't believe this, Luke."  
  
"I wish I'd told you," he murmurs regretfully, "You should've known, you should've been aware so that when she got like this again..."  
  
"It is okay, Luke. I can understand why you didn't want to tell anyone besides the necessary. So what do we do? Do we get her help again? I don't know if she's going to accept hearing that she needs it from us, me especially."  
  
"I'll talk to her dad. He's the one who convinced her last time."  
  
"Is this why Jake never let her babysit Jenny?" I ask quietly. "I mean, it was never a big deal, and he never seemed to care if she visited when I was watching, but if I suggested he ask Peyton he'd always make up some excuse not to. I never thought anything of it until now."  
  
"Yeah, that's exactly why. I thought it was stupid at the time; she seemed fine. Obviously I was way off on that one."  
  
"So, you'll call Larry?" He nods. "And maybe I should call the airline in the morning, see if I can get a different flight. I can't be around her like this. Oh, unless she needs someone with her at all times. God, she isn't suicidal, is she?"  
  
"I don't know," he whispers, "She wasn't really before. It was more a reckless, tempting fate kind of thing."  
  
I shake my head. "Does Brooke know she tried to poison her?" He nods. "She never told me that."  
  
"She promised," he states simply.  
  
I fly home the next morning, leaving a note for Peyton telling her that I had a family emergency to tend to. Tim agreed to pick me up at the airport, so I was covered on that end. My goodbye with Luke was bittersweet. It was amazing seeing him again, and up until Peyton barged into the room spazzing, things were going great. Just like old times.  
  
Everything has changed now, and although that was the case as soon as my friends moved away last September, it feels more permanent, final now.  
  
Chapter Four – Desperado  
  
Why don't you come to your senses, you've been out riding fences for so long now? Oh, you're a hard one, but I know that you've got your reasons... The Eagles  
  
February, 2006  
  
Valentine's Day. My least favorite day. Give me St. Patrick's Day, give me Martin Luther King, JR Day, give me anything but Valentine's Day, please. Any day of the year is better than Valentine's Day.  
  
Hell, who am I kidding? Not even myself, that's for sure. The only reason I hate Valentine's Day this year is because I'm alone. I can't let go of my relationship with Nathan enough to date anyone else, even casually, but at the same time I can't give in and get back together with him.  
  
I've talked to him about once a week since the big Thanksgiving blow-out, and he's sent me presents and I've sent him some, too. Things are still strained, though, and although he tries to brush it off, I know that a big part of him is very angry towards me. There's nothing I can do about that, though. Well, there is nothing I'm willing to do about it. I guess that there is a difference in that.  
  
He hasn't asked me to get back together with him once since then. Selfishly, that hurts. I know it is exactly what I wanted, and now that I have it, well, I don't know what to think of it all. I really hate that I feel that way. I put myself in this position, and I have no right to feel like shit because of it.  
  
The phone rings, and the caller ID tells me it is Nathan. Maybe that ESP thing isn't so much bullshit.  
  
"Happy Valentine's Day," I tell him, trying to sound unaffected.  
  
"Back atcha! How are you, Haley J?"  
  
"I'm pretty good. Caught your game last night. Saw you get your few minutes of playing time. Keep that up you'll be starting in no time."  
  
He laughs, "Well, the season is almost over except for the tournament, and I know I won't get much time then, but thanks. How're things in Tree Hill? Still loving that car my dad coerced you into buying?"  
  
I laugh. "Coerce? Geez, I'd have to be the stupidest person alive to turn down the deal he was offering me. But yes, I still love it. Next time you talk to Dan, tell him again how much I love it and appreciate his doing that for me."  
  
"You've told him about a thousand times yourself, Haley J, I don't think that man's ego needs further inflating," he jokes.  
  
"Okay, maybe not, but still, that was a nice thing he did for me."  
  
"Yeah, it was. Nice, but surprising, which I guess isn't always the worst thing in the world," he decides.  
  
"I should hope not!" I laugh.  
  
"So, what's up? How's life with Brooke and Tim?"  
  
Surprisingly, Nathan has either accepted that they are friends to me now, or has just decided this isn't a battle he wants to fight. Either way, it is much better than the open hostility that existed whenever they'd come up in conversation a few months ago.  
  
"Well, we're going to a party tonight. Some sort of Valentine's Day BS thing. I can't decide if it is going to be really fun or a really awful train wreck. I guess that either way, it will be interesting."  
  
"Sounds like it. You gonna be dressing up in pink and red and passing around candy hearts?" he laughs.  
  
I shudder. "God no, there is no way I will ever be that festive! Although Brooke has been working on creating a drink called Candy Hearts for the past week. Last I heard it involved Everclear and different flavors of Pucker. I'm scared!" I laugh.  
  
"Damn, I wish I could be there to see you drinking that stuff."  
  
"Hey, you just know it'll knock me on my ass!" I protest, "You big brat! And what about you? What plans does the great Nathan Scott, basketball stud have for the evening?"  
  
He clears his throat. "Uh, I kind of have a date."  
  
Oh. Oh my. This is – well, this is really something. "So, how do you kind of have a date?" I ask, trying to play it off.  
  
"Okay, so maybe I shouldn't say kind of," he concedes tersely, "It's just this stupid thing that some of the older guys on the team set up. Since the tournament is coming up soon, this is our last chance to have fun because we'll be focusing on practice so much. So, they hooked everyone up with dates."  
  
"Sounds like fun!" I say brightly, probably more for my benefit than his. "I hope she's a nice girl," I tell him softly.  
  
I can hear him sigh, so I know he was trying to get a reaction out of me. "Eh, it's nothing. Just a stupid basketball thing, but everything about my life here involves basketball, so no surprise there."  
  
"Well, still, have fun. At the very least, you'll be hanging out with guys from the team, so that's good, right?"  
  
"Yeah, that's not so bad. Look, I gotta go, Haley J. I have this math test that is going to kick my ass tomorrow, and I need to study for it. I wish you were here to tutor me," he informs me in a flirtatious voice.  
  
"I wish that, too, but I know you'll be wonderful. Make me even prouder than you already have, Nathan!"  
  
"Yeah, I will." By the sound of his voice, it really is more than an empty promise. "I love you."  
  
"Love you, too."  
  
I really miss him when we hang up. That's not to say I don't miss him all the time anyways, but I just feel so bereft right now that it's almost a physical pain. I just hurt.  
  
Lucas had held true to his promise and discussed getting Peyton help with Larry, who promptly flew up to New York City to confront her behavior. She ended up in the psych ward of a hospital up there, and we haven't heard anything from Larry or Peyton since. 


	4. Desperado

**Chapter Four – **_**Desperado**  
_  
_Why don't you come to your senses, you've been out riding fences for so long now? Oh, you're a hard one, but I know that you've got your reasons..._ The Eagles  
  
February, 2007  
  
Valentine's Day. My least favorite day. Give me St. Patrick's Day, give me Martin Luther King, JR Day, give me anything but Valentine's Day, please. Any day of the year is better than Valentine's Day.  
  
Hell, who am I kidding? Not even myself, that's for sure. The only reason I hate Valentine's Day this year is because I'm alone. I can't let go of my relationship with Nathan enough to date anyone else, even casually, but at the same time I can't give in and get back together with him.  
  
I've talked to him about once a week since the big Thanksgiving blow-out, and he's sent me presents and I've sent him some, too. Things are still strained, though, and although he tries to brush it off, I know that a big part of him is very angry towards me. There's nothing I can do about that, though. Well, there is nothing I'm willing to do about it. I guess that there is a difference in that.  
  
He hasn't asked me to get back together with him once since then. Selfishly, that hurts. I know it is exactly what I wanted, and now that I have it, well, I don't know what to think of it all. I really hate that I feel that way. I put myself in this position, and I have no right to feel like shit because of it.  
  
The phone rings, and I fumble with my purse that is on the passenger seat of my car to grab it. The caller ID tells me it is Nathan. Maybe that ESP thing isn't so much bullshit.  
  
"Happy Valentine's Day," I tell him, trying to sound unaffected.  
  
"Back atcha! How are you, Haley J?"  
  
"I'm pretty good. Caught your game last night. Saw you get your few minutes of playing time. Keep that up you'll be starting in no time."  
  
He laughs, "Well, the season is almost over except for the tournament, and I know I won't get much time then, but thanks. How're things in Tree Hill? Still loving that car my dad coerced you into buying?"  
  
I laugh. "Coerce? Geez, I'd have to be the stupidest person alive to turn down the deal he was offering me. But yes, I still love it. Next time you talk to Dan, tell him again how much I love it and appreciate his doing that for me."  
  
"You've told him about a thousand times yourself, Haley J, I don't think that man's ego needs further inflating," he jokes.  
  
"Okay, maybe not, but still, that was a nice thing he did for me."  
  
"Yeah, it was. Nice, but surprising, which I guess isn't always the worst thing in the world," he decides.  
  
"I should hope not!" I laugh.  
  
"So, what's up? How's life with Brooke and Tim?"  
  
Surprisingly, Nathan has either accepted that they are friends to me now, or has just decided this isn't a battle he wants to fight. Either way, it is much better than the open hostility that existed whenever they'd come up in conversation a few months ago.  
  
"Well, we're going to a party tonight. Some sort of Valentine's Day BS thing. I can't decide if it is going to be really fun or a really awful train wreck. I guess that either way, it will be interesting."  
  
"Sounds like it. You gonna be dressing up in pink and red and passing around candy hearts?" he laughs.  
  
I shudder. "God no, there is no way I will ever be that festive! Although Brooke has been working on creating a drink called Candy Hearts for the past week. Last I heard it involved Everclear and different flavors of Pucker. I'm scared!" I laugh.  
  
"Damn, I wish I could be there to see you drinking that stuff."  
  
"Hey, you just know it'll knock me on my ass!" I protest, "You big brat! And what about you? What plans does the great Nathan Scott, basketball stud have for the evening?"  
  
He clears his throat. "Uh, I kind of have a date."  
  
Oh. Oh my. This is – well, this is really something. "So, how do you kind of have a date?" I ask, trying to play it off.  
  
"Okay, so maybe I shouldn't say kind of," he concedes tersely, "It's just this stupid thing that some of the older guys on the team set up. Since the tournament is coming up soon, this is our last chance to have fun because we'll be focusing on practice so much. So, they hooked everyone up with dates."  
  
"Sounds like fun!" I say brightly, probably more for my benefit than his. "I hope she's a nice girl," I tell him softly.  
  
I can hear him sigh, so I know he was trying to get a reaction out of me. "Eh, it's nothing. Just a stupid basketball thing, but everything about my life here involves basketball, so no surprise there."  
  
"Well, still, have fun. At the very least, you'll be hanging out with guys from the team, so that's good, right?"  
  
"Yeah, that's not so bad. Look, I gotta go, Haley J. I have this math test that is going to kick my ass tomorrow, and I need to study for it. I wish you were here to tutor me," he informs me in a flirtatious voice.  
  
"I wish that, too, but I know you'll be wonderful. Make me even prouder than you already have, Nathan!"  
  
"Yeah, I will." By the sound of his voice, it really is more than an empty promise. "I love you."  
  
"Love you, too."  
  
I really miss him when we hang up. That's not to say I don't miss him all the time anyways, but I just feel so bereft right now that it's almost a physical pain. I just hurt. This is a feeling that I wish would go away, but don't really know if it ever will.  
  
I guess it doesn't matter, at least not to the point of stressing over for now. I can't change it, I can't will it away. Oh, I've tried, but I've also quickly come to the realization that this is going to be a natural process and will go away when I'm ready for it to go away. Whenever that may be.  
  
I don't have much time to think about it anyways, as I pull up to Brooke's. I've agreed to put my life in her hands and let her dress me, as well as do my hair and makeup. I'm not too sure where this will end up, but how bad could it possibly be? No, I don't even want to think of it. The possibilities for badness in this situation are endless. I am going to be her life-size Barbie doll, after all.  
  
"Tigger, where are you?" I call as I open the door.  
  
"In my room, get your ass up there!" she shouts back. I jog up the stairs, ready to get this torture over with.  
  
"Hey!" she grins, partially buried in a sea of clothes and shoes, "This is going to be so much fun!"  
  
I look at her dubiously. "Am I going to look like a hooker?" I ask, only half joking.  
  
She rolls her eyes. "You can look hot without looking like a hooker. Am I not living proof of that?"  
  
I nod slowly, mostly out of self-preservation. I'm 90% sure Brooke could kick my ass if she set her mind to it, so I'm not going to give her ammunition by likening her style to that of a whore.  
  
"So, I was thinking that you look really good in red and black. How about red pants and a black top?"  
  
"You have red pants?" Clearly she has the most vast and extensive wardrobe this side of Paris Hilton.  
  
"Of course! And I think they'll look totally hot on you. Plus, it is Valentine's Day, and red is the color of love, so you should be festive!"  
  
"Festive is fine, but let's all keep in mind that I'm not looking for love," I remind her, "And I would really not like it if you try and hook me up or something."  
  
She looks at me, rolling her eyes. "First of all, Tutor Girl, it's really pathetic the way you're pining over Nathan Scott still. Second, if I'm hooking anyone up, it's myself. Third, get over Nathan already."  
  
I laugh a little. "Easier said than done, I think. He has a date tonight, though, so at least one of us is moving on, huh?"  
  
"Wow, really? I thought for sure you'd crack first. Well, isn't this what you wanted?" she asks, sitting beside me on the bed.  
  
"I don't know," I shrug, "I mean, it's weird. I have been pushing and pushing for this, and now that it's here, it just kind of sucks. Besides, he says it isn't a real date, just some basketball thing."  
  
"Well, just because it doesn't start as real, doesn't mean it won't turn into it."  
  
I flop backwards, staring up at the ceiling. "Well, thanks a lot for that cheery thought, Tigger!"  
  
"Okay, look, it is your life and all, but this is ridiculous. You can't have it all ways, right? So you either have to let him go and move on yourself or else call him up and get back together. Those are your only choices, Tutor Girl!"  
  
I groan, not liking either. "Isn't there some middle ground where I can pine over him without actually compromising my belief that this is for the best? Because I like that idea best."  
  
She stands up, grabbing some clothes to toss at me. "Put those on."  
  
"Yes, ma'am." I pull my shirt off and slip the one she tossed me on. She looks at it critically.  
  
"Take your bra off, the straps are showing."  
  
"I'm not going braless!"  
  
"Ugh. Prude. Fine, you can borrow one of my strapless ones. We're close enough, it should do the job."  
  
I sigh, but accepting the racy, lacy black number she tosses my way. "Well, at least it fits reasonably well. Although it does kind of have a push-up effect."  
  
"Well, duh, it's supposed to," she grins.  
  
I roll my eyes. Of course it is supposed to. Who was I kidding? I quickly change pants, and move over to check myself out in her full-length mirror. I have to admit it; I look pretty good in Brooke's clothing.  
  
"Okay, get your ass over here." I walk over to her torture chair, and sit down, ready to let her do her worst on me. I sit there fairly patiently – if I do say so myself, Brooke would beg to differ – and chatted with Brooke about tonight's party and some other parties that were coming up.  
  
"Finally, perfection," she says, messing with my hair one more time before stepping away. "Go see!"  
  
I'm somewhat worried about what I'll look like when I step up to the mirror. It isn't that I think Brooke wears slutty makeup or something; it's just that she wears a whole lot more of it than I do. To my surprise, though, it looks decent. I certainly wouldn't have applied this much myself, but she did do a good job of it, and it's fairly flattering even.  
  
"Wow, not too bad, Tigger," I grin, kind of excited now to go to this party. The only drawback is that it's at Duke, which is about a half hour away. Still, though, it should be a blast, and if none of us are sober enough to drive home, we can find a place to crash there.  
  
"Hello?" Tim bellows from the foyer.  
  
"Jesus, he's loud," Brooke mutters, before shouting back at him to get his ass up here, just as loud. I barely resist the urge to cover my ears with my hand.  
  
"You're one to talk. God, at least he didn't have anyone sitting right next to him!"  
  
"You're fine," she dismisses with a wave of her hand.  
  
Tim stalks – yes, he does that manly strutting thing I call stalking – into the room, leaning in the door frame. He lets out a low whistle. "Hey, you two are looking hot," he grins, "I scored in the date department tonight!"  
  
Brooke groans, "If you even refer to me as your date anywhere within a half mile radius of any eligible men, I will kill you, Smith. Not nice kill, either. I'm talking string you up by your balls and slowly but surely removing whatever semblance of a dick you have. Capiche?"  
  
He takes a step back, the color draining from his face. I do my best to cover my laughter with coughing. "I – yeah, understood. This is not a date. Not even as a joke. Okay."  
  
I can't hold it any longer and I burst out laughing, collapsing against Brooke. A few seconds later, I feel her shaking with laughter as well. "Oh, my God, you should see the look on your face!" I choke out.  
  
"You two are mean," Tim grumbles, "Look at you two, laughing at shit like that. That ain't right! You two ain't right!"  
  
We both laugh even harder. Brooke gasps, "I'm going to have to use that line more often! That reaction was priceless!"  
  
Both of us have tears streaming down our faces, and I don't know about Brooke, but I have one hell of a sideache from laughing so hard. When she sees that our makeup has ran, she drags me back over to the chair and reapplies mine first, and hers second.  
  
We finally manage to get all our shit together and on the road. We've coerced Tim into driving, and I am seriously hoping that he'll stay sober enough to drive us home. Brooke and I pass a bottle of vodka back and forth between us on the way there, and all three of us laugh and sing along with the radio. It's fun and light, and I forget about my problems.  
  
The party is at Tim's cousin's fraternity, and while this is my first frat party, it is definitely not Brooke's. So, she gives me a few pointers which are true to any party situation, and therefore completely redundant and pointless. However, it is somewhat cute that she feels protective of me, so I humor her and smile and thank her for the advice.  
  
We head into the party after Brooke looks us all over and declares us fit. Brooke agrees to let Tim and I 'cramp her style' long enough to meet Tim's cousin, but the she's off. Or something.  
  
"Hey Tim!" An unbelievably gorgeous guy comes sauntering over, a huge grin on his face. Brooke looks to be in absolute awe of him, and I'm sure that is reflected on my face as well. He's gorgeous; light brown hair, amazing green eyes, and a sexy, muscular build.  
  
"He's mine," Brooke hisses, to which I roll my eyes and Tim looks like he swallowed poison.  
  
"You can't call dibs on my cousin," Tim protests, "There is just something seriously wrong with that!"  
  
"Ha! Your cousin is hot, he doesn't have some sorority slut draped over him, so there is no reason for me not to call dibs!" she counters.  
  
"This is bullshit," he groans.  
  
"What's bullshit, Tim?" his cousin asks as he reaches our group. He holds his out to me and then Brooke. "I'm Jason, by the way."  
  
"Hi, nice to meet you," I smile, "I'm Haley."  
  
"Back off, Tutor Girl," Brooke grins, winking at me. I roll my eyes and step back. "I'm Brooke, Brooke Davis, and it is a pleasure to meet you," she fairly purrs.  
  
Jason looks a little overwhelmed by Brooke's attention, and after a few minutes of getting to know you's, he lets her drag him off towards the bar leaving Tim and I to fend for ourselves.  
  
"So, James, what do you want to drink?"  
  
"Whatcha got?" I grin at him.  
  
"I was thinking beer. Brooke is practically molesting Tim over by the bar, and that is just something I don't need to see. And since there are beer containers everywhere, we wouldn't have to go by the bar to get our drinks!"  
  
"I thought it was like cool with guys to watch each other get it on to a certain point. I seriously doubt they've crossed that point yet. Besides, I want hard liquor tonight, so if you won't brave the bar, I will!"  
  
He sighs overdramatically. "Oh, fine, I'll go with you."  
  
We walk over to the bar, and since it is self-serve, I step behind it and start mixing drinks for Tim and I.  
  
"So, Tim, you didn't tell me that you actually had some cute friends," Jason jokes, "Why you holding out on me?"  
  
Tim grins, "More for me, less for you!"  
  
Brooke grabs Tim by the collar of his shirt. "Tim," she says in a deadly calm manner, "Do you remember our discussion earlier? Because we might've laughed, but behind every joke...well, you know the rest!"  
  
She ends in a totally cheerful voice which has me cracking up immediately. Jason looks bewildered, but also bemused, so I take pity on him and explain Brooke's threat.  
  
"Wow, you take this single thing seriously," he comments to Brooke when we all stop laughing.  
  
"You never know who you'll meet," she grins rather obviously.  
  
I grab Tim's hand, and we walk off. I pull him onto the makeshift dance floor, which in this case is just the common room with the furniture cleared to the side or out of the room. We dance to a bunch of popular rap songs before getting hot and following a group of people upstairs to a balcony.  
  
"This is fun," I tell Tim, smiling, "It kind of makes me wish I'd left Tree Hill for college."  
  
He nods, "I know what you mean." Just then a big chested blonde girl brushes up against him, obviously wanting his attention. I pat him on the shoulder to let him know it's alright to ditch me.  
  
They go inside together, and I make a mental note to expand on Brooke's threat to him if this chick is the reason we don't get home tonight. The fresh air feels nice on my face, and I chat with a few of the people who revolve through here. I even accept a few offers to dance, but come back out in the fresh air when it gets warm again.  
  
"Hey," calls a soft voice from behind me.  
  
I turn around to see Jason. "Hey yourself! Brooke had her wicked way with you yet?" I ask with a smile.  
  
He laughs. "She passed out. Was she drinking on the way here or something?"  
  
I nod. "She and I both were."  
  
"How come you aren't down for the count?" he asks, stepping closer. His arm is against mine now, and the heat of his body feels good.  
  
"Oh, well, that's probably because she's much more of a champ when it comes to partying than I am, so she probably drank a whole lot more after we got here. I've only had two since we arrived," I laugh, "And that's enough!"  
  
"Ah, so you're the sensible one?" he questions.  
  
"I'm friends with Tim and Brooke, so I don't know how sensible I could possibly," I joke, getting him to laugh.  
  
"So, what's your story?" he asks, smiling at me sweetly.  
  
"My story?" I repeat, "I don't know. There is nothing that exciting about my story; nothing I can tell without having to kill ya later, anyways!"  
  
He laughs. "Okay, how about I ask questions, and then you decide the merit of these questions and answer or don't answer accordingly. Sound like a deal?"  
  
"Works for me," I smile.  
  
"Single?" Well, he cuts right to the heart of things, doesn't he?  
  
"Uh, yeah, I am." I feel so guilty saying that, and worse, I feel like a liar, but it is the truth, and if I want Nathan to move on, the best way is for me to do so as well.  
  
"Really? Cool, me too. So, I gather you go to THCC. How long have you known Tim?"  
  
I tilt my head to the side, thinking. "Probably since middle school. He used to be best friends with my, uh, ex-boyfriend in high school, but they stopped hanging out around the time I started dating his friend."  
  
"Ah, so you just became friends recently?"  
  
"Yeah, pretty much.  
  
"Were you dating Nathan?" he asks out of the blue. I raise an eyebrow at him. He blushes, hastening to add, "Well, I mean, I knew that he was Tim's friend. I've met him a few times, years ago."  
  
"Oh. Well, yeah, Nathan was my boyfriend." And so much more. "We broke up because he's at UCONN now, and I'm still in Tree Hill."  
  
"That's rough. And you haven't started dating again yet?" He blushes, "Oh shit, that is probably way too personal, I'm sorry about that!"  
  
"No, it's okay," I smile, surprised that I do mean that. "I haven't dated since Nathan left, no. It is actually really hard to move on, believe it or not."  
  
"That's odd, with friends like Tim and Brooke, I'd think they'd be all about pushing you to move on. I'm surprised Tim doesn't hit on you left and right."  
  
I laugh, "Oh, I think Tim knows what is good for him. Besides, that'd be a weird line to cross. At least with girls there is generally a 'don't screw with your friend's ex' rule, and even though Nathan and Tim aren't friends now, it'd be weird."  
  
"There's a vague guy rule along those lines, too, but I don't think it is quite as strict. Basically, you just have to observe a case appropriate waiting period and then give a heads up."  
  
I grin. "Oh, that is way more lenient than the girl rules. Of course, one of my – "I pause, unsure of how to describe my relationship with Peyton now, "Well, a friend had dated Nathan before I did, but it was one of those rare instances where the situation was just perfect and there weren't any hard feelings."  
  
"Ah, so you've got experience with it, huh?"  
  
I shrug. "Sort of, but not really. I became friends with his ex after they broke up, basically, so it wouldn't be like dating one of Brooke's exes or something."  
  
"Of which I'm sure there are many, right?" he smiles.  
  
"There's a few," I admit, "But not as many as she'd have people believe."  
  
"She seems like a really nice girl," he comments.  
  
"She really is," I marvel, laughing. At his raised eye, I explain, "We weren't friends. I wouldn't say we were enemies, but I'll admit I didn't have the world's greatest perception of her, either. I've really come to change my point of view in the last five months, though. Anyways, enough of me. What about you? What's your story?"  
  
"Well, I'm from Raleigh, I'm 21 years old, I have two sisters, and I'm a Crim J major, hoping to get into law school in a year."  
  
"Wow, law school? Which one?"  
  
He shrugs, "You know, for awhile I thought it really mattered that I go to the best, but now? I don't know, a law degree is a law degree, and if I work hard and graduate high in my class, I'll still get hired. I kind of don't want to put too much effort into getting into Harvard or something now."  
  
"Sounds like you've got it all planned out," I smile, "I envy that, actually. I have no clue what I want to do, which is weird because I've always been a very driven student."  
  
"I've had three years here to figure it," he points out, "Plus, my parents wanted me to go to med school like my father did, but that held no interest for me. Of course, I also want to be rich, and law school is a good bet for that!"  
  
I can't help but grin. "Well, we all want that!"  
  
He ducks his head, laughing. "I suppose so. So, what are you interested in studying? You have to at least have some interest in something, right?"  
  
I shrug. "I don't know, my life is so up in the air right now. It's stupid, but it's almost like I don't know who I am anymore."  
  
He thinks about it for a few minutes. "Well, that sounds about right, Haley. You're what, 18? You can't possibly know what you want to do forever. Hell, I don't know for sure what I want to do forever."  
  
"Oh, like you're so much older," I tease, rolling my eyes.  
  
He laughs, "Fine, fine, so I'm not much older, and I'm definitely not any wiser, but still, don't freak out over not knowing. You'll figure it out, most everyone does."  
  
"I just hate having things unsettled," I explain, "I'm weird like that."  
  
"Oh, you're one of those neurotic, uptight, 'a place for everything and everything in its place' types?" he asks, serious.  
  
I scrunch up my face in revulsion. "No! Absolutely not! Well, I don't think so, at least! Huh, no, I'm not."  
  
He laughs, "I was teasing, don't freak."  
  
All of a sudden there is a loud crashing noise from outside, and we look at each other, and head for the balcony. I was thinking Tim might be involved because he tends to lose control of his arms and legs when he's drunk, but what I see here is beyond any imagining I could've possibly done.  
  
Tim is two floors down, hanging from a bungee cord. A fucking bungee cord that was attached to the balcony support on this floor. He's still about 8 feet off the ground, and since I know it wouldn't kill him, I'm tempted to unhook him up here.  
  
"Tim, what the hell are you doing, you damn moron?" I scream down at him, "You could've killed yourself!"  
  
He just laughs. The little shit laughs. "I'm bungee jumping, James, what the hell are you doing?"  
  
I groan, burying my head on Jason's shoulder. "Your cousin is either insane or a raging moron," I inform him.  
  
He just laughs, patting me on the back. "A little of both, I'm guessing."  
  
"Tutor Girl!" I turn around to see if Brooke is okay, and judging by the look on her face she's none to pleased about something. She pulls me aside. "I told you I wanted Jason, why are you flirting with him?"  
  
"Flirting?" I'm genuinely baffled, and more than a little amused if I'm being honest. "Brooke, look." I point over the balcony; she cautiously scoots forward, her jaw dropping open when she sees Tim hanging off the side of the building.  
  
"That's Tim!" she says dumbly.  
  
"I know." Deadpan.  
  
"He's hanging for a bungee cord." She rubs her eyes and glances back down. "He's really down there."  
  
"I know." I lower my voice so Tim can hear. "Dumbo down there thought it'd be a good idea to go bungee jumping off the side of a building with bungee cords wrapped around his waist. Isn't that a good idea?"  
  
"Hey, how about instead of insulting me you guys ream out the assholes who told me this was a good idea? Or help me down, this is starting to hurt."  
  
Brooke and I both roll our eyes, and Jason reaches over and unhooks, with a great deal of effort, the cords up here, causing Tim to crash to the ground. All three of us lean over the edge watching Tim groan and moan and rub his rear.  
  
"Ow?" he says, looking up at us pitifully. The large crowd that has gathered up here with us is either laughing in earnest or trying their best to hold the laughter in.  
  
"This is retarded," Brooke sighs, rubbing her temples.  
  
I couldn't agree more. What a night.

St. Patrick's Day rolls around, and Brooke, Tim and I are planning on just hanging out at Tim's apartment. That's kind of our spot when we just want to chill. At my place there is always the slight risk a parental unit will wander in, and Brooke's house is so huge that it feels huge and vacant. But Tim's apartment had become this homey mish mash of all three of us since Brooke and I have left so much crap over here the past seven months.  
  
"We could get some beer and some food coloring and make our own green beer," Brooke suggests.  
  
"No," I protest, "Tim is still on beer ban."  
  
Brooke laughs. "That is so not fair," he whines, "It's been over a month since the bungee incident."  
  
"Oh, right, I forgot all about that," I laugh, "The Great Bungee Freak Show of 2007. Funny how that slipped my mind."  
  
"You two are evil bitches, making fun of me and my accident!"  
  
"Tim! How can you consider hooking yourself up to bungee cords and hurtling yourself over the edge of a three story balcony an accident?" Brooke sputters. "That's just stupid!"  
  
He shrugs, "Well, what was the big deal? I mean, it's not like I broke anything." We both just stare at him, open-mouthed. "Okay, nothing besides a couple of ribs. That's no big deal. And it was fun. You two need to have more fun, that's all there is to it!"  
  
I roll my eyes. "You are so ridiculous."  
  
"Yeah, but you love me anyways," he grins, batting his eyelashes at us, which is kinda creepy, actually.  
  
"Ew, don't do that," I laugh, swatting him on the arm.  
  
"Seriously, Timmy, she's right, it is downright creepy," Brooke agrees.  
  
"Again with the meanness," he pouts, and we crack up at him. If nothing else, Tim is good to lighten up pretty much any situation.  
  
Brooke and I are lying side by side on the couch, kind of spooning in that way only really close girl friends can do. The first time we did it, Tim looked like he thought we were about to engage in porn-like behavior until Brooke got up and slapped him upside the head and informed him it was just a thing.  
  
The TV is on in the background, but we've gotten to a point where we don't need that buffer anymore. We can just sit and talk to each other and laugh together with ease, and no need for extraneous conversation starters. Of course, it isn't until this instant that I really realize how close to them I've become. Hell, Brooke and I are girl-spooning!  
  
My phone calls with Jake, Nathan, and Lucas are becoming fewer and farther between. I don't think it lessens the bonds I share with them, but maybe I have to admit to myself that the times, they are a-changing. We're still close, but it is different now. I have new friends, and so do they. Lucas is dating a girl he met at school; she seems really nice from the times I've chatted with her on the phone. Jake found a group of teen/early 20s single parents to buddy up with, and is now dating one of the girls he met there. And Nathan, well, he's got his buddies on the basketball team, and although he hasn't explicitly said so, I'm getting the feeling he's seeing someone.  
  
I don't want to ask him – I'm afraid of what his answer will be. I try to tell myself that I'd be happy for him if this is the case, but that's not true. As much as I love Nathan and want him to be happy, I still don't think I can, not entirely anyways.  
  
How do you get exactly what you wanted, or at least insisted you wanted, and be more miserable than you ever had been previously? Because that's me. Every time I think of Nathan or Nathan and I together, I feel crushed. It's my own doing, but no matter how many times I remind myself – which is a lot, I know – it doesn't matter. It doesn't get easier, nor does it hurt any less.  
  
"What are we doing this weekend?" Tim asks, his voice startling in the silence that had overtaken us.  
  
"Dunno," I tell him, too tired to think hard enough to come up with something interesting. Of course, even when I think I come up with something that is interesting, these two usually shoot me down in favor of something they cook up. Admittedly, their ideas are generally more interesting and definitely more exciting than mine.  
  
"Let's go to the beach," Brooke suggests, "I know it's only March, but it's been warm the last two weeks. It'd be fun to get some sun."  
  
"Oh, we could even bring our homework and do it there," I suggest, "It'll almost be relaxing."  
  
Tim rolls his eyes. "You don't go to the beach to do homework, James! You go to the beach to drink and toss a Frisbee. Study, that's just – I don't know what it is, but it's something that isn't good!"  
  
"You're so eloquent!" I retort, my voice dripping with sarcasm, "A great orator if ever I did hear one!"  
  
He grins. "I don't know what that means, but I know it was mean. I won't hold it against you, though, I know how hard it is to be the one who thinks that a day at the beach involves books and learning!"  
  
"Asshole."  
  
"Geek."  
  
"Okay, children," Brooke laughs, "You two need to grow up now, act your ages. Or something. But stop bickering!"  
  
Tim and I join in with her laughter. "I was just thinking that we could stay caught up on homework that way. I was trying to be responsible," I defend.  
  
"And no fun," Tim smirks.  
  
"You're a brat, Smith."  
  
He smiles proudly. "And I try very hard at it," he grins. "Very hard, indeed."  
  
"We should go get ice cream," Brooke decrees, "I have a craving for mint chocolate chip. Or butter pecan."  
  
I sigh. "Now I have a craving for ice cream. Why'd you have to bring that up?" I demand, poking her in the side.  
  
Tim jumps up, grabbing his shirt. "Let's go, I'll drive!"  
  
"No, you won't," Brooke counters, getting up off the couch, "Haley will. Your car stinks, and hers has that new car smell still."  
  
He pouts, "Mine isn't that bad, Davis. I don't know what you're talking about it; I bought one of those air freshener things, and it's nice."  
  
"Quit arguing," I order, "We'll take my car, and we'll all be happy about it. And we're going to get at least two flavors of ice cream because I feel like mixing!"  
  
We file out to the car, joking and laughing with each other. Brooke shoves Tim when he teases her about her hair sticking up funny.  
  
"Oh, guess what?" Tim says.  
  
"What?" Brooke and I say in unison.  
  
"I said 'guess', doesn't that mean anything anymore?" Brooke and I both groan in dismay as his grin grows at his stupid joke. "Okay, fine, spoilsports. Anyways, I got an 'A' on my Civ test last week, and since I owe it all to you two, I thought I'd take you out to dinner as a thank you. You cool?"  
  
I gasp, clapping my hands together in delight. "Tutor Girl, get your hands back on the wheel!" Brooke commands.  
  
"Sorry, Tigger," I grin, "I'm just really excited for Tim. That is so fabulous; I'm proud of you!"  
  
He blushes a little. "Thanks, I'm kinda proud of myself, too. It's stupid, but it feels like a big accomplishment. Can't remember the last time I got an 'A' on something!"  
  
Brooke pats him on the head. "Good job, Timmy. While we're buying ice cream, I'll buy you a cookie, too," she grins.  
  
"You're a bitch, Davis," he grumbles, "You gotta go on and rain on my damn parade, don't you? Thanks."  
  
"Aw, I'm teasing, Tim! Calm down, don't get your panties in a twist!"  
  
"Not my panties, yours," he retorts, "Got 'em out of your drawer yesterday when you were searching for your math notes."  
  
"Oh, God," I groan, "You both need to stop right now, this is going nowhere good." I fake a shudder.  
  
"Seriously, Smith, some jokes aren't funny," Brooke snots, "And perversely joking about panty theft isn't funny."  
  
Tim laughs. "You're just a big baby that can't take a joke! Come on, it was funny!"  
  
I shake my head. "Disturbing, yes. Funny, not so much."  
  
I pull into the parking lot, park, and we all jump out, running into the store. It turns into a little race, and Brooke and I gang up on Tim to hold him back. We're all laughing as we head for the ice cream aisle.  
  
"Mint chocolate chip!" Brooke squeals, grabbing a carton. Tim takes it from her, setting it back down.  
  
"No way. Chunky Monkey, all the way. Definitely Chunky Monkey," he grins, "And Rocky Road."  
  
"Oh, no, Smith, you are not even dictating the ice cream choice tonight," I tell him with mock severity, "And if you are even gonna try, you're buying your own!"  
  
"Seriously," Brooke agrees, "And if you take my mint chocolate chip away from me again, I will kick your ass from here to Raleigh."  
  
Tim smirks. "Ooookay, note to self: never mess with Brooke's ice cream. File that away under 'good to know'."  
  
"You two are such dorks," I smile, grabbing a carton of butter pecan. "And we're getting this, no fighting."  
  
"You're gonna let us duke it out over the second flavor?" Brooke asks, eyes wide.  
  
I laugh. "Why don't we each just choose one? I mean, we're at Tim's all the time, the ice cream will get eaten, right?"  
  
Tim nods. "I'd eat it even without you guys," he grins.  
  
"You better not; if I'm paying good money for ice cream, I expect it to be there when I get there!" Brooke asserts.  
  
"Good money? It's three bucks," I point out.  
  
We grab our ice cream, and wander through the rest of the store grabbing other random items. Tim grabs pretzels, claiming they're great with ice cream. Brooke and I just shrug, figuring it's a guy thing or something.  
  
"We should get popcorn, too," Brooke decides, "You never know when you'll need popcorn for a movie night."  
  
"As long as it is movie butter, I'll buy," Tim smiles.  
  
"Cool." Brooke tosses some into her basket.  
  
We embarrass the hell out of Tim by going to the feminine aisle, where Brooke spent ten minutes debating on the merits of different types of tampons with the stock boy, who looked as embarrassed as Tim. I just try to contain my laughter, occasionally voicing an opinion in Brooke's debate.  
  
"You two are evil!" he exclaims when Brooke finally gets bored and we walk towards the checkout stand, tampon free. "I mean, I knew you were a little mean, and maybe even a little evil, but we're talking El Diablo here. Evil."  
  
I ruffle his hair. "You're cute when you're embarrassed."  
  
"You're cute when you're embarrassed," he repeats in a girly voice, mocking me, "And you are both still evil. Flattery does nothing to change that!"  
  
"Aw, don't be mad." Brooke hugs him from the front, so I hug him from the back. "It's a Tim sandwich," she giggles.  
  
"Isn't this cozy?" a bitter voice says from behind us, causing me to cringe inwardly. Recognizing it, I turn around to face him.  
  
"Nathan, hi!" I step towards him to hug him, but seeing the implacable look on his face stops me. "I didn't know you were coming, did I?  
  
"Obviously not," he smirks, gesturing to the three of us.  
  
"I'm glad you're here," I smile at him, still cringing inwardly, though. "How long are you here for?"  
  
"Just the night," he mutters, "Look, I'd better go. Have fun with your friends." He turns and walks away.  
  
I glance at Brooke and Tim who are staring at us slightly open-mouthed. "You guys, I'm – I – I – "  
  
Brooke nods, cutting me off, "Just go, Tutor Girl. Do what you have to, okay?"  
  
I nod, choking up. I hug them both and run after Nathan, dropping my basket, and turn around long enough to toss my car keys to Brooke. "Nathan!" I scream as I run through the parking lot.  
  
He turns around and glares at me briefly before turning around to continue on to his car. "Just go back to your friends, Haley. I don't have time for this bullshit tonight."  
  
I finally catch up to him. "Nathan, stop! What are you doing? Why are you so mad at me?"  
  
"I'm not mad, Haley," he says, sounding formal, "I am just finally giving you what you want – I'm moving on. Coming to visit you was a stupid mistake – I could have and did disrupt your bonding session with your moving on partners."  
  
I grab his arm, sliding my hands down to hold his. "Nathan, what are you doing? Why are you so mad at me?"  
  
He shrugs. "Who said I'm mad? I'm just realizing how stupid I am. Has nothing to do with you, really."  
  
I haven't seen him this way in years. He used to freeze me out like this occasionally, but not for quite awhile now. It's unsettling, him doing it now.  
  
"Nate, please. Talk to me! I don't deserve you freezing me out like this; I haven't done anything wrong!"  
  
He seems to deflate at these words. "No, you haven't. But I have, that's the whole point. I've been holding onto this really childish hope that you weren't so serious about breaking up, that if I just saw you again I could convince you otherwise. I was wrong, though, it's obvious that's not the case."  
  
"Are you mad that I have friends now?"  
  
"No, I'm not. But it did drive the point home. You have a life that doesn't even remotely begin to include me, Haley, and it took seeing you with those two to realize that," he spits out. His face darkens as he looks over my shoulder. I glance behind me to see Brooke and Tim walking through the parking lot staring at us on their way to my car.  
  
"That doesn't lessen what I feel for you," I tell him urgently, "You weren't just my boyfriend, Nathan, you were my fr – "  
  
"No, I wasn't just your boyfriend, and I wasn't just your friend. I was your goddamn husband, too. Something you conveniently forget on a regular basis these days."  
  
It hurts that he mentioned that. "Yeah, you were," I say quietly, "And I wouldn't change that, Nathan. Not for anything."  
  
He spins away. "Just stop. I don't want to do this now. Hell, I don't know if I want to do it all."  
  
"So, what? You're going to walk away? Leave me here in the parking lot by myself? That's great, Nathan," I say sarcastically, "Thanks a lot."  
  
"Is it my fault your precious friends left?"  
  
I throw my hands up in the air. "You know, you say it's not about that, it's not about them or me having new friends, but here you are, undermining them every chance you get! What the hell, Nathan?"  
  
"Look, it doesn't matter anymore. You just do whatever you have to do, drive all of your old friends away. Just like you did with Peyton."  
  
I just stare at him. I don't even know what to say to that; that comment is just that unfair. To his credit, he does flinch under my gaze, probably knowing he went too far with his uncalled for comments.  
  
I turn and walk away. There is no way I can continue to do this with him. It hurts too much, and it honestly isn't getting either of us anywhere.  
  
"Haley, wait," he calls, sighing. I ignore him and keep walking. "I'm sorry, that was low, and I didn't mean it," he says when he catches up to me.  
  
"You're damn right it was low!" I explode, bursting into tears, "You have no idea how much guilt I have over everything that's gone on with Peyton!"  
  
He wraps his arms around me, my back to his front. "I'm sorry, I know, baby, shh."  
  
I continue sobbing, my knees going weak. Nathan lifts me into his arms, taking me to his car. "Why does it have to be so hard?" I ask him between sobs.  
  
He sets me in the passenger seat, kneeling beside the car. "Shh, Haley J, it's okay, don't cry, baby. God, I'm sorry!"  
  
I nod, laying my head on his shoulder. "It's okay, I'm sorry I hurt you."  
  
He nods, brushing a kiss on my forehead. "I know. And I'm sorry I was an ass. You don't know how hard you are to get over, Haley James. I guess I just resent that you're asking that of me sometimes, resent how easy it is for you to move on."  
  
I pull myself together enough to pull back and face him. "Oh, Nate, if you think it's easy for me, you just don't know. It is so hard. I miss you every day, and I even question breaking up with you. But then things like this happen, and it just reminds me of how hard it would be if we tried to maintain a long distance relationship. We'd be doing this – "I gesture between us, "All the time. I don't want that for us!"  
  
He nods miserably. "I know, baby. Hang on a minute." He runs over and gets in the driver seat. I reach over and take his hand.  
  
"You okay?"  
  
"Nah. You?"  
  
"Nah." I squeeze his hand. "At least we're both miserable, huh?"  
  
He chuckles a little. "If you say so. Hey, I'm sorry I said that Peyton thing. I know you had nothing to do with it, and it was just unforgivable of me to suggest otherwise."  
  
Lucas had held true to his promise and discussed getting Peyton help with Larry, who promptly flew up to New York City to confront her behavior. She ended up in the psych ward of a hospital up there, and we haven't heard anything from Larry or Peyton since. Nathan knows the whole story and all the details about Peyton's mental health problems.  
  
I shake my head. "No, forget it. I know you, Nathan, and I know you didn't mean it. But you sure know how to get to me, don't you?"  
  
"Hey, I was married to you, I ought to know a whole lot about you, right?" I'm surprised he's joking about that, it's not a subject either of us generally touch, even when things between us are perfect. "I am sorry."  
  
"Me too. For so much."  
  
He smiles at me. "You should go hang out with your friends. You guys looked like you were having fun," he says wistfully.  
  
"We were," I agree, "But you're here for one night. Number one, they'll understand, and number two, I want to spend time with you. Come on, let's go to my house. My parents are in Williamsburg visiting Matt and his family." Of course they'd want to spend time with my oldest brother rather than me.  
  
"Yeah, that sounds nice. Uh, Haley J? What about your car?"  
  
"You can drop me off at Tim's apartment complex tomorrow, and I'll pick it up then," I decide, not wanting to worry about that for now.  
  
"Alright, let's go."  
  
And so we did."So, was it break-up sex?" Brooke asks, puzzled. Nathan left two days ago, but I was busy at the café and Brooke's parents showed up to feign an interest in her long enough to force her to attend some party, so this is our first chance to talk about it.  
  
I shrug. "Hell if I know. It just was. Maybe it was closure sex or something, I don't really know."  
  
"Was it as good as together sex?"  
  
"It was the same," I shrug again, not sure where she's going with this. I'm even less sure if I want to know where.  
  
"Huh. So, if it's the same as together sex, wouldn't that just make it together sex? Which would mean you're still together?"  
  
Oh, how the mind boggles. "Uh, Brooke? We broke up months ago. This was so not together sex."  
  
"Not officially, no, but it just tells me that you both have the mindset that you're still together. Now, that might run its course naturally, but I wouldn't be so sure."  
  
I snort, very indelicately. "You're full of shit, Tigger."  
  
"Yeah, I know," she laughs, "But still. I'm not that far off on this one. You and Nathan are so not over, no matter what you tell yourself and him. It's kind of stupid to insist otherwise."  
  
I shrug. "Well, what can I do about it? I can't change how I feel, and I can't change how he feels. Circumstances just aren't on our side."  
  
She smiles at me. "I know. And it'll turn out okay, just think positive."  
  
"Since when are you all up on the power of positive thinking?"  
  
"Er, since my parents hopped back on the plane outta Tree Hill," she grins, "God, it was shitty having them here."  
  
I laugh. "Well, then I'm glad for you that they are gone. And thanks for understanding why I had to spend that night with Nathan. I didn't want to ditch you guys, but he was only here for one night. And things were so messed up."  
  
"I still can't believe he threw that Peyton bullshit in your face."  
  
"Well, he felt really bad about it," I say, "And he apologized about a thousand and one times."  
  
"And well he should," she laughs, "I really am glad for you both that you've worked something out. I know it isn't the perfect resolution, but it's something."  
  
Nathan and I had made a deal date other people. It was the only way we could figure that really made sense in terms of moving on. Brooke and Tim seem to think I should call Tim's cousin Jason, but I don't know if that's a good idea. I don't want to date anyone connected to our little group, and Jason is just too close.  
  
But since we agreed to make an effort, the next time a guy shows interest, I won't be as standoffish as I have been the rest of this year. I'm already dreading the first time it happens; I know it will be awkward and sad and painful. Since Nathan said he might call his Valentine's Day date, I figure I should try, too.  
  
Nobody ever said it'd be easy, though. 


	5. Goodbye Yellowbrick Road

**Chapter Five – _Goodbye Yellowbrick Road_**

'Maybe you'll get a replacement,

there's plenty like me to be found...' Elton John

May, 2007

It's a gorgeous day. It's sunny and bright, and it is perfect for tank tops and short shorts. I love it. It is also the day of my first non-Nathan date ever. I caved and decided that it'd be cool if I went out with Jason.

I don't know what possesses me sometimes.

There is just no way I foresee this ending well. Number one, he is Tim's cousin. Tim has become one of my best friends. What happens if Jason and I end up hating each other? That's a shitty position to stick Tim in. Number two, I'm not ready to date yet. Oh, I know I need to get my ass out there again, but I'm just not feeling it. It's easier this way, which I know is such a slacker attitude. And number three, part of the reason I'm going ahead with this is that I know Nathan is dating. Not only is Nathan dating, but he's been dating the same girl for two consecutive months. Obviously that is the worst reason of them all – sticking it to the ex.

Still, knowing all that, I'm doing it. For all the wrong reasons, although I did genuinely think he's a great guy; a cute guy, too. It's not really about that, though. Any of the issues I have with dating him are issues with myself, not him. Maybe they're stupid, maybe they're wrong, but they just are. And I don't know how to resolve them.

Tim and I are jogging right now. He's harassed me into it, so every morning at 7 AM we are up and jogging through the quiet streets of Tree Hill. He's actually the one who really pushed that I call Jason and ask him out; he seems to think we'd go really great together, and he might be right. We might be really compatible. The only problem is that I can't promise I'll let myself be compatible with anyone else.

"Where you two crazy kids going tonight for your date?" Tim huffs out.

"I don't know, Jason said it'd be a surprise. I'm sure it'll be fine no matter what it is, though," I smile.

"He's a really good guy, James, and I don't only say that because he's my cousin either." He wipes sweat off his forehead. "I know it's still hard for you, I mean with Nate and all, but don't write Jase off because of that."

I slug him in the shoulder. "I'll try not to. I can't make any promises, Tim, and I hope you don't hold it against me if this doesn't work out. All I can do is try."

He stops running, and I stop, too, turning to look at him. "Hey, whatever happens happens. It's not going to be the end of the world one way or another. Besides, he knows about Nathan, right?" I nod, hands on my head trying to catch my breath. "So, he's forewarned. That's something."

"Maybe this won't be as bad as I figured then," I smile.

"I should hope not. Look, at least let yourself have fun. I'd bet you good money that whatever he has planned for you tonight will be fun, so at least promise me you'll be willing to try having fun, okay?"

I laugh, holding out my pinky, which he links with mine. "Pinky swear," I smile, "That is one promise I can make. Besides, Jason is so nice and easy to talk to, I'd have to be a complete ass not to."

He starts jogging again, grabbing my hand and pulling me along with him. "Come on, we've got a little more exercise to get." I make a face at him. "Don't be a baby," he says, laughing at me, "Suck it up, James!"

"'Kay, Tutor Girl, how hot do you want to look tonight?"

There's a scale? "Um, I don't really know, Tigger. Haven't thought about it much." Which isn't true, of course I've thought about it. There aren't many girls I know that don't think about how they look on a fairly regular basis.

Brooke ain't buying it either. "Pfft, whatever. Where are you going? That'll help me decide what you'll wear," she says, looking through her closet. She's decided that her wardrobe is more date suitable than mine, and I'm more than happy to let her dress me.

"He won't tell me," I tell her, furrowing my brow, trying to decide how I feel about the shirts, she is holding up. "I guess he wants it to be a surprise or something."

She smirks. "That's strangely sweet. I think."

I laugh, "Well, I think it is sweet. And I never said he was anything but a nice guy. It just feels like this is too soon or something."

She looks at me plaintively. "Tutor Girl, it's been 9 months since you and Nathan officially broke up. Now, I know you've both had these really strange issues with letting go, but come on. You need to realize that dating someone else isn't a bad thing."  
  
"Tigger, he's the only guy I've ever dated. Seeing someone else is really hard for the first time?"

"That's your problem. Being with Nathan is too easy, too comfortable. There was nothing challenging about it, nothing remotely interesting. It was just simple and uncomplicated and fun."

If only she knew. I sigh, "It wasn't like that. I don't know, maybe since he was my first love – _my only love_ – it isn't so easy to let go."

"So? That doesn't make it an excuse to hang on, which is exactly what you're using it as," she points out.

I know she's right, but it is still irritating to hear. "Whatever," I mutter, not thrilled with this topic of conversation, "This is pointless, Brooke. Seriously, what good is torturing myself with this discussion?"

"Hello? The torture you're inflicting on yourself is that you won't move on. That's what is causing you pain!"

I sigh, defeated. She's right and there isn't anything I can say to disprove that. Every single thing she has said is truthful and full of common sense. A little disconcerting that it is coming from Brooke, those things.

"Okay, you're right. I'm doing the right thing by going out with Jason. He's a nice guy, and by all indications we'll have fun together."

"Could you at least say that shit with a teeny, tiny bit of enthusiasm? You're acting like you're going to a gassing, not on a date."

I roll my eyes at her exaggeration. "Come on, I'm not acting that bad about it, am I? Really?"

"Yes, really!" she exclaims, "You totally are! Geez, you've practically written this date off as pointless already, not even open to the possibility that it could be great! And, oh, I don't know, you just need to get over yourself."

I sigh, laughing a little ruefully. "I don't think it's me that I need to get over," I point out, thinking of Nathan.

"Yes, it is," she returns point blank. "YOU are the one who won't even let you have fun. YOU are the one that won't admit that moving on isn't just something you can tell Nathan to do. YOU are the one that tells yourself that you don't mind being alone, even though you're lying. All you, Tutor Girl."

I shrug. "Given this a lot of thought, have you?"

"Nah, not especially. It's not really brain surgery to figure this stuff out. And look, if you feel guilty about Nathan or something, dude, move on. He's dating, right? The same girl for the past couple of months?"

"Yeah, her name is Miranda," I say, trying to keep my voice devoid of emotion. I think I hate Miranda, although I obviously do not know her.

"Right. Anyways, that goes beyond dating. They're like, a couple, Tutor Girl. So, why shouldn't you date a hot guy who has been bugging his cousin to hook you up for the past four months?"

I can't think of any good reasons, honestly. Hell, I can't even think of any bad ones, for that matter. There is no reason for me to not want this date. None. "Okay," I surrender, "You're right."

She blinks in surprise. "I'm right? Really?"

"Yes," I laugh, "You're right. So do your magic, make me look all cute for the date. Not slutty, just cute!"

"Hmm, that could take some work," she jokes, heading back towards her closet. "I guess you don't want to wear a skirt if you don't know where you're going, right?"

"Yeah, probably not a good idea," I smile, "Who in the hell knows what he has planned? I mean, we could be going bowling or something, and a skirt wouldn't fly so well with that."

She crinkles her nose up, "Actually I think it would fly very well. Too well, obviously. But seriously, I hope he isn't taking you bowling. That's so – boy-like, I guess."

"Well, I'm sure that's not what he's got planned. It couldn't be, right?" I, Haley James, am the world's worst bowler, and can think of nothing worse to do on a date than get humiliated by the continual tossing of gutter balls.

"Scared of a little bowling?" she asks with a smirk, "Because that is the funniest thing I've ever heard. Actually, if I'd known how anti-bowling you are, I'd have called Jason myself and suggested it!"

"Some friend you are," I grumble, "Wanting to exploit my inner turmoil for a good laugh. Tim's right, you are evil!"

She giggles. "You're a freak. And for the record, I am a wonderful friend. You should be praising me, not whining at me!"

I cock my head to the side, regarding her. "You know, you really are a great friend, Tigger. A year ago? I never would have imagined it, but you've been great. I'm really glad I got to know you."

She blushes, ducking her head. She looks back up, crying unabashedly. "Thank you. You have no idea how important it is to me that you said that." She launches herself into my arms. "I love you; you're the best friend I ever had," she sobs.

I hug her tight. "Brooke, I love you, too. I meant every word I said – you're a great friend, and you're extremely important to me."

She pulls back to look at me. "You know I haven't had many friends. It sucked, but I never cared that much when I cycled through them. I just want you to know that if I lost your friendship, I'd really hate that."

"Well, that's the thing, you won't. There is no reason why you should or would. Friendship doesn't just go away."

She sniffs. "I know, but what if something happens? Like what happened with Peyton and I?"

"Brooke, stay away from Nathan, and we'll be fine," I joke, not entirely sure what she means. "Besides, my thing with Peyton? Well, she's sick, and she needs help that I can't give her. And we can't be friends in the meantime – she doesn't want that."

"I know," she sighs, "It's just weird. And I've never been good at maintaining healthy relationships, you know?"

I smile. "We'll figure it out. We're doing a great job so far, don't you think?" She nods. "Okay, then, we'll just stick with what works."

She grins at me. "I can do that. I think. I make no promises, but I think I can do this." We laugh together.

"You can. All three of us can," I say, including Tim.

"Yeah, we can. Okay, mushy stuff is done for now. We have to get to work on your hair!" She picks up the curling iron and goes to work.

Jason and I are meeting in a small town – even smaller than Tree Hill, actually – about halfway between us and going from there. I pull into the parking lot of the church we're meeting at, and spot him immediately, standing beside his car.

"Hey," I call after I roll down the window, turning off the car, "How are you?"

He grins, walking over. "Hey yourself! It's good to see you again."

I step out of the car, reflexively hugging him back when he leans down, arms outstretched. "It's good to see you, too."

"You ready to go?" he asks.

"Sure, let me just grab my purse and lock my car. Unless you wanted me to drive, of course," I smile.

"Hey, I think your car is nicer than mine, but nah, I'll drive. Hey, I'm the one who has been requesting this date for the last, oh, three months, right?" he laughs with a wink.

"Yeah, well, is it okay if I tell you I'm glad you kept asking and harassing Tim? Because I am," I tell him, surprising myself a little by meaning it.

"Oh, good, I was afraid I was coming off a little stalkerish or something. I don't think I've ever been so persistent about something. At least not since I was five and I really wanted my mom to give me candy and I'd keep asking until she gave in. I suppose it is good to see it still works!"

I laugh. "Why don't we chalk it up to charm rather than any stalker sensibilities you may or may not have?"

He blushes a little, "Yeah, let's do that."

We get to his car, and he opens the door for me, which is sweet. Totally unnecessary, of course, but still sweet.

"So you going to tell me now where we're going?" I ask as he settles into his seat.

He smiles. "Well, not especially, but it might be a good idea."

"Huh, and why is that? Oh, God, if you're taking me to like, the Reptile House or something, I will flip. I don't do snakes and shit like that," I tell him, having fun kidding around with him.

"Damn. Okay, I guess we'll move on to Option B, in that case," he sighs, playing along, "Okay, this one might need approval, too." He pretends to think hard about it, causing me to giggle a little.

"So, Option B sounds scary, too? Okay, well, as long as it isn't cliff diving, again, we're cool. Because that whole jumping and sliding and getting nasty and messy thing? Not so good when you're wearing shorts!" I joke.

"Well, so that's out," he smiles, "Why don't you just tell me where you want us to go, and then I'll take you there."

"Oh, no, I like surprises," I inform him, "And I also like giving dates a bad time, too. See, I'm having double fun right now."

He laughs. "Well, that's all I wanted – you to have fun."

I look at him sideways. "So, you don't care if you have fun or not? Because I bet it wouldn't be too hard to come up with ways to make this terribly not fun for you," I smirk, ruining the saber wit effect by letting out a giggle.

"Yeah, yeah, well, you just buckle your seatbelt, and tough out whatever gross, manly thing I have planned, okay?"

I laugh, "Yeah, okay."

We talk about the school year being almost over and our plans for the summer. He'll actually be even closer to Tree Hill since he's going back to his dad's house, so if this works out, we could be seeing a lot of each other.

"Can I ask you a question?" he asks, looking at me cautiously. I know immediately what he wants to ask.

"Sure, of course," I smile.

"Okay, just tell me if this is none of my business. No, I know it is none of my business right now," he smiles, "But tell me if I've crossed lines I shouldn't have, okay?" I nod. "Okay, I was just wondering what happened with you and your ex-boyfriend. I remember when we talked at that party; it seemed like there was still something there. You didn't say that, but the way you sounded when you talked about him, I could tell."

I sigh, smiling softly as I look down at my hands which are folded in my lap. "Yeah, I guess a lot has changed since. No, that's not true. Everything changed last September, when the only four friends I really had moved away for college. That's when I became friends with Brooke and Tim. It honestly wasn't out of some great desire to get to know them better or anything, it was out of necessity. And Brooke harassing me, and then Tim harassing the both of us," I say, causing him to smile, "Eventually it just became a really great friendship between the three of us."

"I could tell how close you guys were at the party. I wasn't sure if you guys realized it, but it was pretty obvious then, even."

"Yeah. We're a weird little threesome, but it definitely works," I laugh. "Anyways, I guess somewhere along the line, it just became obvious that I can't sit around missing the boyfriend I broke up with. There was no point to it. I'm not gonna lie, of course, it was hard. Hell, it IS hard. But it's good, too."

He glances sideways at me, keeping his eyes on the road. "You know, if it is still too soon, I'll understand. I don't want you to feel pressured into being here, whether it was by myself or Tim."

I reach over and place my hand on top of his. "I don't. I'm a little nervous," I admit, "I've never dated anyone aside from Nathan, so this is a first for me. But I want to be here for myself."

He looks over and grins at me. "Well, fair enough."

I've been so wrapped up in our conversation that it just now registers with me that he pulled into a parking lot a few minutes ago, and that he turned the car off. "Are we here?" I ask in surprise.

He laughs at my question. "Why, as a matter of fact, we are here. Want to know where 'here' is?"

I unbuckle my seat belt, looking around. I gasp when I realize where we are, and break into a grin. "Oh, my God. Oh, my God!" I clap my hands together. "I haven't been here since I was fifteen! My best friend's mom used to take us here all the time!"

He laughs. "So, why haven't you been back since then?"

"I don't know. Life happened, I guess. Lucas and I made friends beside each other," I laugh, "And he joined the high school basketball team, and I started dating Nathan not too long after that. Even Karen, his mom, got too busy to take us or come with us."

"Ah, gotcha. I remember when that happened with me and my friends," he sighs, "You just grow up after awhile, I guess. So, anyways, you ready?"

"I am definitely ready!" We jump into the car and walk through the parking lot to the little store that is the first stop on our way to our final destination.

Windy's Kite Shop is one of the most popular kite shops on the coast. I doubt there is a single person I know that hasn't been here at least once. Jason and I walk in, browsing through the kites. He picks out one with the Superman logo, and I choose one that is striped in bright colors with black polka dots all over it.

I refuse to let him pay for mine, and he does the same, so we finally compromise by buying each other's kite.

"Okay, we have to stop back at the car really quick," he smiles, "I know kite flying is fun, but we need some food and drink, too."

He grabs a cooler out of the trunk, and he carries it while I carry our kites down through the dunes to the beach. It's beautiful tonight, and there is enough of a breeze that flying the kites will be, well, a breeze.

"Eat first or should we get the kites up?" he asks.

"Kites!" I chirp, suddenly excited to take my shoes off and run around on the beach. He laughs at my enthusiasm.

"Okay, kites it is," he agrees, setting down the cooler. I put the blanket on top of it, and toss him his kite to set up.

"Wow, is it just me or were these things a lot easier to put together when we were little?" I ask him, getting frustrated with my string after a few minutes of wrestling with it in silence.

He laughs. "Way easier back then." He holds up his hand with the kite string tangled around it as proof.

We finally get them untangled, and then kick our shoes off and get them up in the air. Jason shows me some of those fancy kite tricks, and I don't tell him that Lucas taught me then when we were nine. It's fun, and once we tire of the kites, we walk through the water awhile before heading back to the blanket to eat. We talk then, and it's comfortable; never stilted or filled with uncomfortable silences.

He takes me back to my car, and before I get out of his, I make plans with him to see him again. Honestly, I'm not sure if I'm ready for a relationship; which thankfully he knows, but there is no good reason not to see him again. He's funny and sweet and cute and smart, so I'd be crazy to write him off because I'm still hung up on an ex.

All in all, it was a great night. I didn't think about Nathan at all after our talk in the car until he was driving me back to my car.

Funny how he's all I can think of now.

"Lucas, you can't seriously expect me to drop everything for you, can you?" I ask, feeling a little irritated.

"Well, Haley, it's not like I ask all that much of you these days. You know, considering I only see you once every three months or so."

"Luke! You call me from the airport asking for a ride! You could've pre-planned this ride any time after you bought your plane ticket! But no, you figure it's better to wait until you actually get to the damned airport!" I rant, "And call me THEN, asking for a ride. No, not asking, expecting. Jesus, Luke!"

I pause to take a breath, fully prepared to continue on with my rant when someone taps me on the shoulder, causing me to spin around in shock. I gasp when I see him standing there.

"Luke! You asshole!"

He just cracks up at my expense, laughing even harder when he sees the angry expression on my face. "Oh, God, Hales, I'm sorry, but this is too funny. You get so worked up about such little things that I just had to have a little fun with you." He grins at me. "Aren't you at least happy to see me?"

I stare at him a minute before snapping out of it and jumping into his arms, throwing my arms around his neck. "God, I've missed you! I know it's only been a month and a half since Eric was born, but still."

He hugs me tight. "I missed you, too, Hales. Speaking of my little brother, why aren't you over there now keeping an eye on him?"

I roll my eyes at him. "You're ridiculous. Besides, I think your mom and Keith have that more than under control. Oh, Luke, you are going to love seeing Keith with him. It is truly the sweetest thing you'll ever see."

"Yeah?" he grins, "I knew he'd be a good dad. I mean, he was a good one to me in a lot of ways."

"I know. So, you want a ride over there to drop your bags off?" I ask, gesturing the pile of crap he left lying in the doorway.

"Uh, actually, no, I'm not going to stay there. My mom turned my room into a nursery, which is fine, but spending the time on the couch isn't really high on my list of things I'd like to do for a week."

"Oh, you planning on staying here then? Cool, let's move your stuff up to the 'guest room'."

He smiles again. "Thanks for the offer, Hales, but I've already accepted Deb and Dan's offer to stay there. I know it isn't the most expected thing in the world, but Dan and I have been talking a lot, and you know they came up for a couple of games. And when Deb suggested this, Dan and I both agreed it'd be a great opportunity to get to know each other better."

I stare at him, resisting the urge to bring my hand to my face to check if my mouth is hanging open. "Since when did you lose the bitterness this much?"

He shrugs, not offended by my question. "Dunno. All that I really know now is that it doesn't matter. What difference does all that crap make now if both Dan and I are willing to make the effort, right?"

"Wow, that is very mature, Mr. Scott!" I tell him, impressed, "So, maybe I do the honor of being your chauffer over to Deb and Dan's this afternoon?"

"Only if we can swing by Mom's to see Eric first," he bargains, knowing already that I adore that baby and don't need a reason or an excuse to want to see him. "Oh, and Deb and Dan would like it if you stayed for dinner. I told them I'd invite you and only let you off the hook if you had legitimate plans."

"That sounds good. I'm meeting Brooke and Tim tonight, but Brooke works until ten-thirty, so I'm probably free until eleven. And you know I'd love to stop by and see Karen and Eric."

"Good. It's not that I'm scared or anything, but it'd be to have a buffer there for the first part of my week at Dan's, you know?"

I smile at him, understanding. "Yeah, I know. And I'm happy I can be here for you," I tell him, seriously. I really miss Lucas and the comforts of having him here on a daily basis. I hate when he calls up, upset about something or other, and being unable to do something about it. As much as I love Brooke and Tim, I still miss Lucas.

"So, um, can we go now?" he asks, shifting his weight from foot to foot.

"Anxious to see your baby brother?" I ask him, smiling.

"Oh, you know, I really am. I thought was one enough," he jokes, "Hell, for the longest time, he was way too much." I laugh with him. "But now, I don't know, maybe it's because I've been away so much for school, but family just seems really important."

"Which is why it's so nice that you and Dan have gotten to the point you have," I say, understanding.

"Yeah, it is. Now, if Mom and Keith would just get married or at least move in together, we'd be doing really good," he laughs.

"I have no doubt it'll happen eventually," I tell him, taking his hand and squeezing it. "Now, come on, let's get your stuff in my car."

We toss his bags in the trunk, and jump in the car. He talks me into letting him drive, and he whines about how unfair it is that I have a pretty little sports car and he's got nothing, at the moment. Even though he wasn't here so long ago, he's excited to be back, and as we pass the high school and some other places, he slows down to point them out.

"Lucas, I can see them," I tell him, sounding grumpy, "I have eyes, you know. And I see these places every day."

"Aww," he laughs, "I'm sorry. I'm just excited to be home again. If it makes you feel better, I'm most excited to see you. Even more than the school."

"You're a big liar, Lucas Scott," I grin, "We both know that a certain younger brother is your main reason for visiting, and there is nothing you can say to convince me otherwise."

"Well, he is pretty important, too," he admits, "But it is always great to see you. I miss having you around, annoying me, day in and day out." I slug him on the arm. "Ow! Geez, Hales, you don't have to get physical."

"Yes, I do, you brat! So, anyways, I'm going to change the subject before your big mouth gets you in even more trouble," I warn him with a laugh, "How was the end of the school year? Any hot dates?"

He grins. "Finals went well, I probably have a 3.3 or 3.4, which is decent. And I've kinda been seeing this girl, her name is Kirsten. She's like – God, this is going to sound pathetic, I'm afraid, but she's kind of a cross between Peyton and Brooke."

I stare at him. "I hope the parts of Peyton she has are the artistic, alternative sides, not the mental illness side."

He makes a gurgling sound, like he's trying to choke back his laughter. "God, that's not funny."

"Well, I know it isn't funny, but I guess I'm just at this point where if I don't joke about it – well, I don't know, it's just easier to think of it in slightly joke-y terms rather than as reality, you know?"

He nods. "Yeah, I know. So, you surprised or freaked that she's kind of a cross between the two?"

I think about it for a minute before shrugging. "I don't know, Luke. Maybe it's kind of weird – wait, does she look like one of them?"

"Oh, no. She's Asian-American."

"Well, if she looked like one of them, that would be way weirder. And I might have to have you checked out or something. I don't know, I don't really see a problem."

"Thanks, Hales," he says, quietly, "I was afraid I was trying to recapture the glory of high school."

"No offense, but your whole mess with Peyton and Brooke wasn't so much glory as it was a debacle. You might do well to remember it as such, you know?"

He laughs. "God, but that was such a mess. Think we've grown up appropriately yet?"

"I have," I tell him smugly, "But you as always have a way to go."

He pulls my car into a spot in front of the café, and we jump out. "You're a brat, Haley James, but you're the best brat I've ever known."

"Why, Lucas Scott, I do think you might make me cry!" I grin, grabbing his arm and dragging him across the street.

The bell on the door chimes as we walk through, and Karen looks up from behind the counter, gasping. She drops her towel and runs towards Lucas, pulling him into a hug. I watch them with a smile before moving behind the counter to take Eric out of his bassinet and coo at him before Luke gets the chance to take him away.

"That's your big brother," I tell the infant I see nearly every day, "He loves you very much. And even though he's a big dork, he's still pretty tough. He'll be there whenever you need him."

"Hales," Luke whines, "I'm not a dork!"

I pass Eric off to him and move to stand by Karen. "Oh, I wish I had my camera," she sighs, "But I suppose there will be plenty of time for that over the next week. I can't believe Luke pulled a surprise visit off."

I smile at her. "I know, pretty incredible, isn't it?"

"Very," she says to me. She turns to Lucas then, asking, "Honey, do you want me to make up the couch for you, or are you staying with Haley?"

He looks uncomfortable for a minute. "Actually, I'm going to stay with Dan and Deb. They invited me each of the times they visited me at one of my games, and I don't know, it just seems like the time is right to do that."

Karen looks nonplussed by this, and sensing they need time to discuss this in private, I tell Karen I can watch Eric and the café for awhile. They head into the back.

"Well, Eric, your big brother sure knows how to make an entrance, doesn't he?" His eyes are drooping, so I lay him down in his bassinet, figuring he'll go back to sleep. By the time I fill up everyone's coffee cups and wipe off the counter, Luke and Karen are back.

"Come on, Hales, let's go."

I peer at him, trying to figure out if everything is okay. He grins and nods at me. "We're fine, don't worry. But it is approaching dinner time, and I don't want to put Deb out by being late."

"Okay, let's go. Bye Karen!"

"Bye honey, thank you for watching Eric."

"Anytime! I love that baby!"

Luke and I head over to Dan and Deb's place. We have a pleasant dinner with them, and Luke and Dan actually man the barbeque together. Deb and I just smile over it, kind of in awe of how far they've come.

All in all, it's a fun evening. It is kind of weird to be in Nathan's old house with Nathan's parents, but this night is so much about Luke and Dan that it is easy to put that aside. Still, though, there are pictures and trophies everywhere, and those aren't exactly easy to ignore.

Luke walks me out to my car at a quarter to eleven. "So, thanks for coming tonight. It made it easier for me to ease in with you here."

"Anytime," I smile, hugging him.

"Hey, you're okay, right? I know it must be weird to be in Nathan's house. I'm sorry I didn't think of that before I asked you to come. Didn't even put two and two together until I was in there and saw the pictures and stuff," he sighs, sounding regretful.

"Luke, I'm okay. It's okay. I won't lie, it isn't easy, but it isn't the end of my world, either. I'm okay."

"Whatever you say, Hales."

I laugh. "Don't you believe me?"

"Yeah, I do." He hugs me again. "I don't know, it's just a mess. I'll stay out of it, I promise."

Huh? "Uh, Luke, what's a mess?" I'm seriously clueless here.

"Oh, you know, you and Nathan."

"What about us?"

"I mean, you know I talk to Nathan, right?" He looks even more uncomfortable than when he was telling Karen he was staying with Dan. I nod. "Well, I mean, I just know that you guys have a complicated relationship."

I raise an eyebrow at him. "Okay, what's going on? Because I have no idea what you're talking about, and if Nathan told me something, well, you've come this far, you may as well tell me now."

He sighs. "Look, you know he's been dating that girl for the past couple of months, right?" I nod. "Well, he mentioned they've been sleeping together. God, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said anything, but I kind of figured he'd told you. I know you guys talk a lot still, right?"

"Yeah, um, we talk a lot." Funny how that never came up. I don't know why I'm surprised, though. He's 18, he's never been one to not have sex when he's in a situation he can, so it's stupid to think otherwise.

"Hales, I'm sorry. Fuck, I don't know why I told you." I can see the genuine remorse in his eyes, and I know he feels like utter crap for telling me this.

"Luke, it's okay. Hey, I mean, I knew it would happen, right? I practically pushed him into bed with her – all I didn't do was buy the condoms." My voice cracks a little, a sign of my distress, but I smile brightly. I don't want him to feel worse than he already does. "And I've been out on a date, too."

He looks doubtful, but he humors me. "Yeah, okay. Hey, I'll see you soon, okay?" One more hug, and I get in my car and get the hell out of there.

I knew this would happen, but it wasn't supposed to hurt like this.

July, 2007

"Haley J, where are you? I've left you two messages now, and you haven't called me back. What's going on? Okay, well, at least call me and let me know you're okay. I worry about you."

"Tigger," I whine, flopping dramatically on my bed, "Why does he have to sound so much happier than me?"

"Because he's getting laid and you aren't?" she asks. I glare at her. "Oh, that was one of those rhetorical things. Sorry."

"Crap, I don't know what's wrong with me. I've gone on three dates with Jason now. I have fun on these dates with him – so why can't I stop thinking about Nathan and his new girlfriend sex? It's not fair."

She laughs a little. "It usually isn't. I'm sorry, though, that this is hard for you. I don't know what to tell you."

I nod. "Well. Yeah, I don't know either," I laugh. "Maybe I was stupid to think that we could be friends and keep talking. Maybe that's what is making it so hard," I shrug.

"No, that's lame. You guys were friends first, and you should be friends now. Hey, we talked about this in terms of you, Tim and I, right? It's just too important to have good friends to cut off all ties with someone you love, even an ex."

"Yeah, I suppose you're right. It just sucks. When I call him back, or when I don't think and just answer the phone and it's him, I'm going to be thinking of him screwing whatever that little sluts name is."

She looks surprised by my vitriolic rant. "Wow. Okay, well, you don't know if she's a slut. And you don't know what it means. It could just be hard-up sex. It doesn't have to be love sex."

"You aren't helping," I whine.

"Sorry. There's nothing I can tell you to make you feel better. I think you need to talk to Nathan about this."

"I can't," I whisper, "How can I ask him about his sex life? Number one, it is none of my business. Number two, I already know what he's doing, and I don't want him to know Lucas spilled. Number three, I'm scared. There is no answer or nothing he can say that will make me feel okay with all of this."

"So, what? You'll just ignore it? That's very un-Tutor Girl of you, Tutor Girl," she jokes, getting me to crack my first smile since hearing that damn message.

She lies down beside me. I look over at her, asking, "Do you think I should talk to him about this?"

"Well, personally, I wouldn't. But I've never been in a situation where it mattered this much to me. So, yeah, I guess I think you should. I don't think you'll be okay until you at least talk to him."

I sigh. "I do have to talk to him, you're right. I can't go on like this. It isn't fair to Nathan that I refuse to talk to him and it isn't fair to Jason that I have no closure with Nathan."

"And it isn't particularly fair to yourself, either." I look over, raising an eyebrow. "I'm serious, you are torturing yourself. Practically worrying yourself sick. Even Tim has noticed that you haven't been yourself lately, and that boy lives in oblivion."

I sigh. "If I call him now, will you stay and lend moral support?"

She laughs. "Sure, but if you start having phone sex, I am so out of here," she warns, "Like so fast you won't even see me leave."

"Point taken. And don't worry, I doubt that'll be a problem," I say ruefully.

I sit up, grabbing the phone off the base, and dialing his familiar number. Brooke puts a hand on my shoulder, and somehow, some way, it actually does help. God, the ringing is driving me crazy.

"Hello?" That isn't Nathan's voice. That isn't even Nathan's roommate. No, it's a girl. I panic a minute, wondering if it is _the_ girl.

"Uh, hi, is Nathan there?" I trip out.

"Oh, sure hang on," she says into the phone. There are some muffled noises as she moves the phone away from her mouth. "Hey Nathan, baby, you have a phone call."

I almost drop the phone. I guess it is her.

"Hello?"

"Nathan, hi. It's Haley," I say neutrally, "I was just calling to let you know I'm alive, so you don't have to worry about that."

"Haley!" I can tell he's shocked to hear from me, especially when the girl is over. No, not the girl, his girlfriend. She is his girlfriend now.

"It sounds like you're busy, so I'll just let you go." It isn't so much that he's busy, but more that I'm about to start bawling. I can already feel tears forming in my eyes, and any minute they'll be spilling over.

"No, no. God, you know I always want to talk to you, Haley J!" He sighs. "I've missed you lately. What's going on, you avoiding me?"

"Any reason I should?"

"Um, no? Come on, Haley, what's going on? You've never not returned my calls; I don't get this. Are you mad at me for something?"

"No, everything is lovely, Nathan. Forget about it, okay?"  
  
"I'm not going to forget about it, Haley. Damn it, what the hell is going on?"

Brooke looks at me sympathetically as the tears spill over. "It's nothing, Nathan. Anyways, I'll let you go back to your company now. Sorry for wasting your time."

"You've never wasted my time, Haley!" he says passionately. I can tell how frustrated he is getting with me. "Look, if something is wrong, I need you to tell me, okay? I can't stand being so far away from you thinking something is seriously wrong."

I take a deep breath, trying to quell the tears and the shaking that has started. My voice sounds shaky even to my own ears. "I promise you I'm fine. I'm healthier than ever – Tim even has me going running every morning. So, don't worry, you can hang up without fearing I'll be dead by morning."

He gasps. "That is a horrible damn thing to say, Haley James! Shit, what the hell is the matter with you? Why are you treating me like I'm some second cousin you barely know? Listen, I know something is wrong. I can hear it in your voice. I know you that well, Hales! So just tell me what's wrong, why you're crying."

"I – it's just – I can't, I can't do this."

"Can't do what, Haley? You have never, ever shied away from telling me what's going on. Not once. So what's the catch now?"

I can't tell him now. Not knowing she is there, probably listening to every word he says. God, maybe even in his bedroom, laying on his bed, listening in on our conversation from the phone he has in there. "I'm sorry, Nathan," I say dully, "But now isn't the best time for this conversation. Go, I know you have company."

"Wha – No, you know what, you're right, this is dumb. Goodbye."

And again with the hanging up. I deserved it this time, though. I can't even be honest with him when he practically begs me to be just that.

I collapse against Brooke crying.

The next day Tim and Jason come over, and we all go to the beach together. I spent the whole night crying and worrying over this thing with Nathan, but in a way, that was the closure I needed. It's kind of ridiculous to think that it took the trauma of calling him up and getting his girlfriend answering would be the wake up call I needed, but somehow it was.

Jason volunteers to run to the store and get more Coke and junk food when we run out, so it is just Tim, Brooke and I sitting here together.

"I can't believe we survived our first year in college," Brooke muses, "Of course, it's just THCC, but still."

"I think being stuck in this hellhole is actually harder than going away to a four-year university," Tim jokes.

I laugh, "Can't disagree with that. I mean, seriously, we have to deal with being stuck in an itty bitty small town and knowing all the people in our classes. Scary."

"Well, only another year and we'll be at the four-year schools, getting our degrees there. Um, provided I keep my grades high enough," he groans. "Thank God for you two. I'd have probably been kicked out for crappy grades after first quarter."

Brooke rolls her eyes. "And Timmy, you can start repaying us for that any time you like. Visa, Mastercard, I take it."

"You're leaving yourself pretty wide open for jokes there, Tigger," I tell her, shading my eyes to look at her. Tim laughs, nodding along.

"Hey, was that a hooker joke? Because if it was, I have to say that I am very impressed, Miss Haley James!"

"Why thank you," I grin, "If I was standing, I'd curtsy, but alas, my ass is firmly planted on this blanket."

"Hey, where are you guys going once we graduate THCC?" Tim asks, sort of out of the blue.

"Haven't really decided yet," I tell him.

Brooke nods. "Me neither."

"Well, I was thinking, we should all go to the same place." Brooke and I glance an 'he's crazy' glance at each other before looking back at him. "No, I'm serious. Look, we're really close now, right? Kind of a built-in support system. So, why shouldn't we all go to the same school if possible? You know, we could just make a pact or something."

"I don't even know what I'm doing tomorrow, so it's kind of hard to plan for something that is a year away," Brooke points out.

"Stop looking at me like I'm crazy," he mumbles, "This isn't such a bad idea. Look, you two are my best friends. Maybe that's dumb or weird or something else, but it's still true. And if wanting to stay close to my best friends is dumb and weird and other things, well, then fine, I'll be all that."

"Okay, when you put it that way," I tell him, "It's pretty sweet."

"See? And you guys think I'm such a bad guy."

"No, no, just misguided," I laugh.

"So, we make a pact to try and go to the same school?" Brooke questions, "Because I think I could get behind that. I honestly can't imagine going to college without you two, it has become so ingrained in me this last year."

"Yeah, me too," I agree.

"Hey!" Tim grins, "Does this mean I had a good idea?"

Brooke rolls her eyes and goes back to reading her magazine. I look over at Tim. "It means you didn't have a bad one for a change.

"Good enough for me."

Good enough for me, too. All of this, actually. Life changes, and it was about time I accepted that.


	6. You Can't Always Get What You Want

**Chapter Six – _You Can't Always Get What You Want_**

'_You can't always get what you want, no!_

_You can't always get what you want _

_You can't always get what you want_

_But if you try sometimes you just might find_

_You get what you need' – _Rolling Stones

August, 2007

The café is over-crowded for a Tuesday, and since Karen had to run out and buy some things for Eric, I'm stuck here not only with the crowd, but trying to keep Eric happy as well. It isn't easy, and although I love spending time with Eric, this is certainly not my ideal way of doing that.

I've got Eric in one of those frontal baby carrier things, and am carefully carting him around as I fill up people's coffee cups. Karen has done it a thousand times, and she makes it look easy, but I'm terrified of spilling coffee on him, so I'm going super slow. Luckily, everyone cares way more about baby-talking at Eric, so no one is upset about the slower service. Plus, I am pretty sure half these people are just here for the air conditioning.

I'm chatting with two of the 'regulars', an older couple who come in nearly every day when the door opens and the bell jingles. I don't know why I look up – I usually don't. But this time I do, and much to my shock, Nathan is standing there in the doorway.

If Eric wasn't in this sleeper thing, there is a good chance I would've dropped him. Likewise I'm lucky that I had set the coffee pot on the table while I was talking to Mr. and Mrs. Owens.

"Will you excuse me?" I ask them nervously. They nod, Mr. Owens patting my hand and Mrs. Owens brushing a hand over Eric's cheek.

"Almost makes you want children in the house again," I hear Mr. Owens comment.

"Which one, the baby or Haley?" Mrs. Owens laughs. If I wasn't on a mission right now, I'd probably go back to the table and pretend to be affronted, but right now Nathan is a magnet drawing me.

I stop about ten feet away from him. I don't know if I'm scared to go closer or if I just have this built-in ability to protect myself, but my feet won't let me get any closer.

"Haley," he says, looking at Eric. Avoiding eye contact with me, nice. "That must be Eric, huh? He's cute."

"Yeah, it's Eric." God, way to go, Hales, can't come up with anything better to say? "Would you like to hold him?" I ask.

Finally, he looks up and makes eye contact. "Wow, really? I mean, can I?"

"Yeah, sure. Um, actually it'd help me out a lot, it's kinda busy today." I lift Eric out of the pack and hand him to Nathan. "Thanks a lot."

"No problem." I move away from him, not needing to be any closer than necessary. I busy myself, running around taking orders and filling cups.

Karen finally comes back, delighted to see Nathan. "Oh, Nathan, your mom told me you were coming!"

Shit, Karen knew he was coming; apparently I wasn't supposed to. I don't even know what to think about that. Obviously, it's none of my business. I made it that way. It still hurts to think that he wouldn't tell me he was coming back to town, though.

Of course, I haven't talked to him in over a month. Why would he tell me? It doesn't matter, though, that logic dictates he shouldn't tell me – it still hurts. Quite possibly hurts worse than finding out that he was sleeping with that slut Miranda. I accidentally burn my hand on the coffee pot, letting out a little yelp as I drop. Stupidly, I burst into tears when it hits the floor. Even more stupidly, instead of cleaning it up, I rush into the kitchen.

"Haley?" I am so relieved that it is Karen who came after me.

"Hey, I'm sorry about that. You can take that out of my paycheck, along with that sugar bowl I broke last week," I sigh.

"Oh, honey, you know I don't worry about broken dishes. If I did, we both know I would've had you out the door a long time." I'm impressed that she managed to elicit a giggle from me. "Now, I take it you didn't know Nathan was coming to town." She says it as a statement rather than a question. "Are you okay?"

"Yes. No, not really. I guess it's just hard to see him again, what with everything that's been going on. Everything that has happened between us. The worst part is that he didn't tell me he was coming; but that's my fault. I've been a bitch to him."

She puts a comforting hand on my shoulder. "Hey, I don't know all that's happened between you two, but since Lucas will be here tomorrow, you two will probably be spending some time together. That's why Nathan is here, I gather, to see Luke."

I sigh, having completely forgotten Luke was coming. "Damn," I curse softly, "This is going to be torture. Maybe we need a custody agreement or something."

She laughs softly. "I'm sure you'll figure it out, honey, I have faith in you. Now, why don't you take off early? I ran into Brooke and Tim while I was at the grocery store, and I told them I'd let them kidnap you tonight."

I smile at her genuinely. "And I have makeup all over my face and you're giving me a heads up so I fix it in time, right?"

"That might have something to do with it." She hugs me, and I gratefully return her embrace. "And you've worked every day for the past two weeks. You deserve an early night, at least."

"Thanks, Kare." I grin at her, suddenly really happy that Brooke and Tim will be here soon. I pull out my compact once she leaves and fix my hair and makeup. Not great, but seriously, it is just Brooke and Tim.

I hear Brooke's voice, then, saying something loud and snotty to Tim, and I just have to laugh. It is such a relief to have the two of them here. I stand up, glance at myself one last time in the compact, and walk through the swinging door to greet them. I see Nathan sitting at the counter, still holding Eric.

"Hey Tutor Girl," Brooke grins, "Guess what we're doing tonight?"

I groan, "I hate when you make me guess. It is always something bad." I turn to Tim. "On the badness scale, how bad is it?"

He pretends to ponder for a minute. "Hmm, only a two tonight. I think she's PMSing or something because she's not on the ball with her ideas right now."

Brooke slaps him upside the head. "You never learn, Timmy," she laments, "We've spent how much time together the last year, and you still say exactly the wrong things. You're pitiful."

I continue making a show of ignoring Nathan. Brooke looks at me questioningly, but I shake my head a little, warning her not to say anything. "Come on, let's go," Tim decrees, taking each of us by the arm, "We've got movies and junk food waiting for us."

"Awesome, I could really go for some ice cream right about now," I say hopefully, smiling at Tim.

"Yeah, yeah, we picked up some Butter Pecan." I squeal, hugging him, then Brooke.

"You two are the best," I beam, suddenly ready to gorge myself on ice cream, bad movies, and good friendship.

"Yes, we know," Brooke preens.

"Oh, I almost forgot," Tim sighs, "Jason wanted me to give you this." He pulls an envelope out of his back pocket, handing it to me. It obviously contains a greeting card, so I rip it open. There's a picture of a couple flying kites on it, which immediately has me smiling. The note inside tells me that he misses me, and that he'll make up the fact that he's been working so much to me soon.

"I'll have to call him tonight," I tell Tim.

"What'd it say?" he whines. I smack him from one side, Brooke the other.

"None of your business!"

"Fine," he sighs.

We leave the café then, and as we cross the street, I can feel the heat of Nathan's stare on my back.

The next morning I'm feeling drained. Lucas gets here today, and I know that if I want to hang out with him tonight, I have to be prepared to do so with Nathan around. The only saving grace for this situation is that Theresa, a girl we went to high school with, is having a party, and invited Tim, Brooke, and I. So now I am hoping that I can talk Luke into attending.

The one issue that might arise with this is that I know Tim is inviting Jason. I can't tell Tim he can't, and I don't even want to. There is just the possibility that things will get mighty uncomfortable.

"Rise and shine, my lovely Tutor Girl best friend!" Brooke chirps as she walks into my room, way too excited for 9 AM.

"What are you doing up so early?" I ask her, "On a Tuesday of all days."

"I'm working early today so I can have the evening off. I don't want to miss this party of Theresa's. You know, she backstabbed the hell out of me senior year. I kind of owe her one."

"Oh, God," I groan, knowing what Brooke's idea of 'owing' is, "Promise me you'll be nice. It is her house, after all."

"Oh, darling, all the more reason to fuck with her fugly little head."

I shake my head, but can't help but laugh at her. "You're a trip, Tigger. Ugh, but did you have to wake me up so early? This is pathetic."

"No, what is pathetic is the amount of time I know you spent last night after you left Tim's feeling sorry for yourself over Nathan Scott."

"It wasn't that long," I defend, "I fell asleep pretty fast."

"Exactly my point – ANY amount of time wasted on him is too much. You have to kick that habit. You have to face him today, and you have to be normal."

"What the hell is normal, anyways?" I ask, sighing.

"Oh, don't ask me that," she giggles, "Not much is normal about my life. Just treat Nathan the way you treat Lucas."

"Oh, right. I'll hang on him and tease him and ruffle his hair and beg to borrow his sweatshirt. That'll go over well, I'm sure," I bitch sarcastically.

"Okay, okay. Damn. Maybe not that stuff, but maybe like we are with Tim?" she suggests. She thinks about that for a minute. "Okay, that's probably not a good idea, either. Look, just be civil to him. That isn't too much to ask, right?"

I sigh, knowing she's right. "Okay, civil. I think I can do civil," I concur, still thinking of ways I can avoid him, though.

"Ha! Well, it'll be fun to see you try, anyways," she smirks, teasing me.

"God, not funny. Honestly, I don't know if we can even carry on a conversation. I treated him like such shit that honestly, I wouldn't want to talk to me if I were him."

"Well, we'll see. Look, Nathan loved you for a really long time, and time counts more than a few rash words, right?"

I shrug. "I guess we'll find out later today, huh?"

"Looks like it." She glances at her watch. "Crap, I gotta go, hun. Work calls. You know, I still can't believe I have a job. Oh, I almost forget. I brought these for you to wear tonight – you'll look spectacular!"

"Neither can the rest of the world," I call to her as she leaves the room, pausing only to turn around and flip me off. I laugh, "Bye Tigger!"

I get out of bed with a sigh. "Oh, it is gonna be a great day," I tell my mirror image sarcastically as I pass by. I don't even bother to see what Brooke put in the bag. With my luck, it's probably a bra, panties and a pair of buttless chaps.

A great day indeed.

Karen suggested that I pick Luke up at the airport, so an hour later, I head out. I blast the radio on my way there, which is nice because it doesn't allow me to think much. I'm about a half hour early, so I get out and walk around. It's weird now that you can't go all the way into the airport if you aren't traveling. I remember going with an older sibling when I was younger to pick up or drop off our parents, and if they were feeling nice we'd go early and watch the planes land and take off.

I head for the baggage claim area and take a seat to wait for Luke. I must be tired, though, because the next thing I'm cognizant of is Luke shaking me awake.

"Hales," he whispers, "Wake up, sleepyhead."

I yawn loudly. "I don't wanna. I'm sleepy."

He laughs out loud. "Okay, get your ass out of the chair." He picks me up and sets me on my feet. I keep my eyes closed the whole time.

"I really hate you, Scott," I mutter.

"Thought you'd be saying that to me, not him," a voice says behind me, jarring my eyes wide open.

I don't even know what to say as I stare at him. Luke jumps in, "Okay, Hales, I got my bags. You get to carry the big one, right?" I don't react, just keep staring at Nathan until Luke elbows me. "Hey, you got the big one, right?"

"Oh, um, yeah, of course," I say, smiling brightly at him. He laughs, tossing me his carry-on. "Hum, so what's the plan? Over to the café? Oh, wait, um, are you still riding with me?"

He looks at Nathan. "Well, actually we both are, if that's okay, of course."

I nod shakily. "Yeah, of course. Car is this way." I lead them out of the airport and through the parking garage to my car. We load Luke's bags into the trunk.

"I get to drive, right?" Lucas asks with a grin, "Come on, Hales, you know I don't have a car of my own up there in Michigan, so you owe me the chance to drive this car again."

"I owe you? Huh, whatever, Scott. You could've stayed here and driven it any time you wanted, you know," I tease back, "Maybe if you had, Dan would've given you a stellar deal, too."

He groans, "You know, he tried to buy me a car one of the visits they made. I kept refusing, he kept asking, and finally Deb had to step in and tell him to leave me alone."

I chuckle and Nathan groans. "Sounds like Mom and Dad. He never did know how to take 'no' for an answer, even now when it isn't necessarily a bad thing."

Luke nods at him, and then turns back to me. "Does this mean I get to drive?" He holds his hand out for the keys.

I toss them to him. "Fine, but I get to sit in the backseat and sleep. I am just dead tired; Brooke woke me up at 9 this morning."

"Brooke was up at 9?" Nathan asks, incredulous. I think after a second he realizes that he spoke civilly to me because an oddly pained look crosses his face.

I choose to ignore that, though, and answer. "Yeah, she switched her work schedule so she'd be free for Theresa's party."

"Shit, she works?"

I can't help it; I laugh. "Yes, she works. As a volunteer at a vet clinic. She really likes it, and she's even pretty good at it."

Both of the guys look absolutely incredulous. "Wow," Luke breathes, "Never thought I'd hear of that day."

"You know, you two – oh, never mind," I sigh.

"No, what, Haley?" Nathan asks petulantly, "Come on, inform us of our wrongs."

I shake my head, getting into the back seat of my car. "All I was going to say is that maybe you seriously underestimated Brooke. I know I did."

"Anyways, where am I taking everyone?" Luke asks, "To your parents' place, Nate?" He nods. "Hales, you're gonna let me drop you off and keep the car, right?"

"Doubtful, hot shot. I'm not one of your groupies, falling for your basketball god routine," I tease.

Luke blushes. "Hey, it's not like I have tons of groupies or anything. Even if I did, I wouldn't do anything with them," he contends. I see Nathan's face harden at this statement, and Luke looks immediately chagrined.

My God, his girlfriend is a basketball groupie. Charming. Neither of them say anything, though, so I don't either. I just look out the window, resisting the urge to cross my arms over my chest and pout in anger. Both of them glance back at me, I can feel it, and I'm sure they're exchanging looks between the two as well.

"Hey Luke?" I say after a little while on the road.

"What's up, Hales?"

"Would you mind dropping me off at Tim's? I can grab my car from you later on today, if that's okay."

"Um, sure. But I thought you were going to hang out with me today. Did you forget about me already?"

"No, I'll catch up with you later, I promise. I just have something I need to do first," I say cryptically, not feeling like I owe either of them an explanation right now.

"Yeah, sure. If that's what you want."

"Oh, yeah, it is." I pause, looking back out the window. "Do you want to go to Theresa's party tonight? It sounds like a lot of people from high school will be there, and that might be fun."

"I wouldn't mind," Luke decides after thinking about it for a minute, "What about you, Nate?"

"Yeah, no problem, whatever."

We pull into Tim's driveway, and he and Jason are standing there shirtless tossing around a football. I feel like my old and new worlds are truly colliding for the first time, so I rush out of the car waving goodbye to Luke and Nathan. Luke promises to call when he has some free time to pick me up.

Tim tosses the ball to me, laughing as I drop it. Jason walks over and drops a kiss on my cheek, something that I'm sure doesn't escape either Nathan or Luke's notice. When he puts his arms around me in a hug, I reciprocate, something else I doubt escaped notice.

"You're a ball dropping spaz, James," Tim laughs at his own joke.

"Oh, Smith, you can come up with better jokes than that, can't you?" I taunt him, "Mr. B- average for his first year of college."

Jason just shakes his head at our joking around, and as Lucas and Nathan drive off out of sight, I give him a genuine smile. "I'm glad you're here," I tell him sincerely.

"Me, too. You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"Liar," Tim sighs, "What happened with Lucas and Nathan?"

Jason raises his eyebrows in surprise. "One of those guys was Nathan? I wasn't paying much attention."

"Yeah, Nathan was in the passenger seat," I sigh, "Apparently Lucas couldn't be bothered to tell me he'd be at the airport, apparently to help me pick him up or something. Anyways, it was weird and uncomfortable, and I'm glad it's over."

I smile brightly at them, but neither look entirely convinced. Jason hands me the football saying, "I'm going in to grab some drinks. Need anything?"

"I'm good," I smile, squeezing his hand, "Thank you, though." Once he's gone, Tim puts his arm around my shoulder. "Hey," I smile.

"Hey. You can tell me if you aren't okay, you know."

"I know. I am okay, though, like I said, it was more awkward than anything else."

He thinks about it for a few minutes. "Well, maybe awkward isn't the worst thing it could be, huh?"

I laugh. "Absolutely not! I can think of at least a million worse things right off the top of my head. This could be a lot worse, I know."

"I'm glad you realize that," he tells me with a smile. "So, what brings you over here? Hiding out? Oh, shit, before I tease you, I guess I should make sure I'm not a moron who forgot you were coming over. I'm not that moron, am I?"

"No," I laugh, "You aren't. At least not about this."

"Ah, finally, to not be a moron. How awesome is that?"

I laugh. "Well, Smith, I don't know if I'd recommend getting used to it, if I were you. You never know when the moronism will return."

"What'd I miss?" Jason asks as he walks down the porch stairs, taking a seat on the bottom one. I walk over and sit next to him.

"I was just explaining to Tim why he shouldn't get to comfortable with not being a moron. I thought that was pretty stellar advice, but he's looking at me like he wants to kill me."

Jason grins at me and offers his hand up for a high five. "Right on, you go to keep that one in his place," he jokes.

Tim just rolls his eyes. "Fine, gang up on me. I'm used to it by now. It'll just get worse when Brooke gets here. It always does," he laments.

We hang out for awhile outside, and then head inside where I watch the boys play some video game for awhile. Luke calls eventually, and comes back to pick me up. Jason walks me out, and kisses me in the doorway. I kiss him back, and it actually turns pretty hot. I pull away from him, flustered, unsure if I'm ready for our relationship to get that physical yet.

He must sense my dilemma because he just smiles at me and says," It's okay, I know. We'll just take it as it comes, okay?"

I smile at him. "Thanks Jason. I'll see you in a few hours."

And I'm glad he'll be there.

Luke comes over to my house with me while I'm getting ready rather than going back to Karen's. I guess guys really don't need to get ready the way girls do, because we are going straight from here to Theresa's, unless I shock the world by lowering the time it takes me to get ready.

"Hales?" he asks from his spot on my bed.

I'm going through my closet, trying to decide if I have anything in there that I want to wear, or if I should just cave now and wear what Brooke leant me. "Yeah, what's up?"

"Is the reason you won't talk to Nathan because I told you he was sleeping with that girl?" He sighs, "I really didn't mean to cause you trouble."

"That's not why, Luke," I tell him, "I called up to talk to him about her, and she answered the phone. God, and then I acted like a bitchy idiot to him, so it's no wonder he doesn't want to talk to me."

"Well, if I hadn't told you, then you wouldn't have wanted to talk to him about it, and you might not have called and she might not have picked up the phone," he reasons, "So it is my fault."

I stop what I'm doing in the closet and sit down beside him. "Luke, I needed to know. Okay, it isn't any of my business anymore, but it wasn't such a bad thing for me to know. I can move on better from here."

"I guess that guy that was kissing you at Tim's is this Jason you've been telling me about," he smiles.

"Yeah, the one and only. He's a nice guy. I don't know if it's going anywhere, but he's a nice guy, and we're having fun. He'll be at the party tonight, I'll introduce you."

He nods. "Nathan will have a fit," he warns.

"Well, it isn't Nathan's place to have a fit, now is it?"

He shrugs. "I guess not."

"You guess not? Luke, he's sleeping with someone else that he considers a girlfriend. It is absolutely none of his business."

He shrugs again. "He still loves you, Hales. And he's just confused. I don't think he gets why you wouldn't talk to him for the last month when he had basically done what you had pushed him into doing."

"Whose side are you on?" I ask, grumpy, "Never mind, don't answer that. I'm sorry, I'd never put you in the middle of your brother and I and our little dramas."

"Hales, I'm always on your side. Thing is, I can see his point in this one, too. So it's just conflicted. But I'm here for you, and anything you need, I'm your man."

I laugh. "Sure, okay. I mean it, though – if you think I'm putting you in the middle of our shit, just tell me to knock it off. I would really hate for you to feel uncomfortable because of that."

"I'll remember that," he smiles, kissing me on top of my head. "Okay, I'll be downstairs watching TV. Just so you know, I told Nathan to meet us over here so we could go together. I hope you don't mind."

I sigh inwardly. "Nope, it's fine. Okay, I'll get changed, and I'll meet you downstairs." He turns to walk out of the room. "Hey Luke?" He turns back to face me. "Thank you. You know, for everything."

"I love you, too, Hales," he smiles before leaving for real.

I shower and get dressed in the outfit Brooke left me this morning, which is actually really cute and only mildly slutty. Very sexy, but without being slutty. Exactly my kind of outfit. I blow dry my hair so it curls a little, and put on more makeup than usual, and then head downstairs.

I walk down the stairs, and step into the dining room to grab my purse. As I'm walking towards the living room where Luke is waiting, I hear two voices. Nathan has arrived, too. I know it's wrong, but I stop in the hall and listen to their conversation.

"Cut her some slack, man," Lucas is saying, "Things haven't been as easy for her as you assume."

"Why should I?" Nathan retorts bitterly, "She pushed and pushed and shoved and kicked me away, and when I make a pitiful little attempt to move on, she won't even talk to me. Luke, three years, one marriage, countless hours of laughter and love, and she won't fucking talk to me. And the few times she deigns to do just that, she's a complete bitch. Tell me there isn't something wrong with this picture."

Luke sighs, loud enough for me to hear. "Fine, you two can continue whatever child games you're playing, and I'll just stay out of it."

I'm so irritated with both of them that I stomp in there, purse in one hand with my other hand on my hip. "This childish bitch is ready to go party with her friends right now. If you're riding with me, you might want to get in the car." Emphasis on friends.

They both look chagrined – especially Luke – to have been caught talking about me, and they follow me without any fuss. None of us say a word on the way there, and the tension is practically unbearable. It is all I can do to keep myself from bursting into tears as I speed down the road to Theresa's house.

I park on the street, and stay in the car, glaring Luke out when he tries to stay behind with me. I need a minute to calm down, or else I know I'll do something I'll regret. I take several deep breaths, forcing myself to stay in here until the urge to run in and jump all over Jason just to stick it to Nathan passes.

The door opens, and I'm prepared to do some serious battle, so I'm relieved to see it is just Brooke, not Nathan or Luke.

"So, you're not crying, that's something at least," she sighs, "I saw Tweedledee and Tweedledum walk in without you, so I figured something happened."

"Yeah, well, Nathan was there at the airport when I picked Luke up. We sniped at each other a little, but other than that, said nothing. And then I come downstairs after getting ready this evening – "

"You look great, by the way," she interrupts, smiling.

"Uh, thank you," I smile back, flustered, "Anyways, I come downstairs, and they're talking about me. Behind my back. Luke calls both of us childish, and Nathan calls me a bitch. Needless to say, I wasn't too happy. I stayed here to cool off. I didn't want to do something I'd regret in a half hour."

She leans over and gives me a hug. "I'm sorry you had a bad evening. But now is the time to come in and get shitfaced and hang out with your best friends and your maybe, kinda, sorta boyfriend," she jokes.

"Okay, sounds good. Let's go." Shitfaced – why not?

We get out of the car and walk in, arms linked. Theresa greets me rather snottily at the door, but Brooke and I both manage to mostly ignore her. Brooke does have her malicious gleam in her eye, and I'd bet good money she's got something planned, but I'm too selfish to care right now.

Nathan and Luke are standing in the corner of the room chatting with a couple of guys who had been on the basketball team with them. I drag Brooke in the opposite way towards the bar. "Jason and Tim here yet?" I ask her.

"They were, but they ran out to get some beer that Tim's parents have. Apparently keg beer isn't good enough for them or something. Ooh, but anyways, I have a fifth of vodka with our names on it, so let's go to the bathroom."

"Brooke?" I ask as I follow her down the hall, "Why the hell is the vodka in the bathroom?"

"Okay, my grandpa is a total alcoholic, right? So, when I was younger, he'd come stay with us for weeks at a time. And my grandma didn't like him drinking, so he'd hide in the back of the toilet."

"Ew, and that's where the vodka that we'll be drinking is now?"

She grins. "Yup. Clever, no? You know how party people are, stealing your booze, getting all rowdy. Well, they aren't stealing my booze if I have anything to say about it."

"God, well, I don't know if I even want any now," I tell her, kind of grossed out, "That is just weird and unsanitary."

"Get over yourself," she orders, "It's not like the toilet water is in it. The cap stays about the water level. It's perfectly fine. We'll just use Theresa's nice silk blouses that I might have jacked from her bedroom to wipe them off before we pour."

"You're bad," I laugh, not really caring what she wants to do to Theresa tonight.

"What? No lecture?" She looks shocked. Am I really that much of a naggy brat?"

"No, no lecture. Do what you gotta do, right?"

She nods, hesitantly. "Does this mean you'll drink the vodka?"

I burst out laughing. "Sure, why the hell not?"

"Woo!" she cheers, "Alright, let's get this party started." We fill our glasses half full with vodka, and head for the kitchen to find something to mix it with.

We find some wine coolers, and Brooke convinces me that those will make a good mixer for vodka, and against my better judgment, I go along with her. It actually tastes pretty good, but I can tell already it will hit me hard a few glasses from now.

"Let's go dance," Brooke shouts over the music. She doesn't wait for an answer, just grabs my hand and pulls me out to the makeshift dance floor. "Woo! Isn't this fun?" she screams as we dance to something that sounds suspiciously like decent classic rock.

I laugh with her, screaming back, "Yeah, it is definitely fun!"

She takes my hand and twirls me, and then I twirl her. Out of the corner of my eye, I see Nathan and Lucas watching, but I don't care about either of them right now. We laugh and dance and chink our drinks together and just generally have fun. It's exactly what I need right now, and it doesn't hurt that Nathan and Luke are watching me have all this fun.

"Tim and Jason are back!" Brooke grins, making her way over to them. I grin, following her.

"Hey girls," Jason smiles as we approach. He leans down and kisses my cheek. I smile up at him. "How's the party?"

"Better now that you two are here," Brooke laughs. "Hey, Timmy, some not legal girl was asking for you. I told you had VD and weren't into that anymore," she grins, loving torturing him.

He just stares at her open-mouthed. I don't blame him, I can't tell for sure if she actually told this girl that or if she's just getting a kick out of torturing him. Of course, knowing Brooke, it's both.

"You're – you're evil!" Tim sputters, "I cannot even believe you!"

She just laughs her head off. I smile at Jason when he puts his arm around my shoulder. "God, Tim," Brooke laughs, "She's sixteen! You're nineteen, you should be thanking me for getting her off your back!"

He mutters something under his breath as he pulls open a beer and tosses it to Jason. He pulls out one for himself and cracks it open.

I can't resist messing with Brooke's head a little, so I add, "Its okay, Tim. Let's just forget about it for now. And if it happens again, you just tell everyone you caught the VD from Brooke."

She glares hotly at me as Tim and Jason laugh along with me. "When did you get so mean, Tutor Girl?"

"I learned from the master," I tell her, bowing towards her. She just laughs.

"I'm so glad my influence is wearing off on you," she laughs. "Okay, come on, Jason, come on, VD, we're dancing now. Tutor Girl, my student, would you make me another drink?" she asks, pouting.

I smile, "Sure, I can do that. I need another, too. I'll be right back."

I head back for the bathroom, waiting in line. It's finally my turn, and as I step in and try to shut the door behind me, someone blocks it. I whirl around in surprise, shocked to see Nathan standing there.

"We need to talk," he says tersely.

I sigh, turning away from him. "I don't know if that is such a good idea. I mean, I might get bitchy."

"Haley, I'm sorry I said that," he sighs, "You know I don't think that. It's just, you've been really difficult towards me the last few months, and I don't understand what's going on. I think you owe it to me to explain."

I ignore him, buying time by removing the vodka from the toilet. "Look, Nathan, I'm so sorry if I've hurt you, but this isn't a good time to talk about it."

"Why? Because your pretty boy boyfriend is out there waiting for you? Does he have you on a tight leash already, Haley? If he tugs on it, do you have to go running back to him?" he snaps angrily.

I slowly turn around to face him. "You don't know anything about my relationship with Jason, so don't even bring it up. It has nothing to do with you."

"What does that mean? That my relationship with Miranda actually has something to do with you?"

"You know what, Nathan? I don't want to talk about your groupie slut, so why don't you just leave?"

He shakes his head, stepping closer to me. "You're jealous, aren't you?"

"No, I'm not," I say as calmly as possible, "I have no reason to be jealous of anything. You just go and live your own life, screw as many sluts as you want. See if I care."

"Ah, isn't that the point, though? You do care. You know, this is exactly why you piss me off, Haley!" he shouts, "You go on for months – months before we even graduate high school, for crying out loud – about how we have to break up when I leave! And now, NOW, you're upset because I've been seeing someone! Which is exactly what you wanted all along! Was that all just lies, Haley?"

I sigh, struggling to hold myself together. I don't want to break down here, in a bathroom in front of Nathan. I just don't.

"You know, this isn't going to get us anywhere, Nathan. I should just go," I say quietly, trying to step around him. He puts his hands on my shoulders, and in that moment, I know I am lost.

"Don't go," he whispers, "We spent too many years caring about every little detail of each other's lives to stop caring even about the big stuff now."

I'm so close to tears now that I'm afraid to speak for fear of opening the floodgates. I look up at him, and I can see the pain I know is etched across my features reflected on his. "God, Nathan, I don't even know what to say."

He sits down on the counter of the sink, taking the bottle of vodka from me and taking a swig. "Tell me what's going on, Haley. I don't think I've ever been this disconnected from you before. It is scaring me."

I sit down on the edge of the bathtub, so I am across from him, but a few feet lower. He doesn't like this because he slides down onto the floor so we are closer to being at eye level. "I don't know, Nathan," I sigh, "I don't know what's wrong with me, I don't know why I've shut you out, and the only thing I do know is that I don't have a right to do either of those things."

He takes my hand and pulls me down on the floor next to him. People are banging on the bathroom door, but we both ignore them.

"Haley, I love you. More than that, I care about you and your happiness. I want you to be happy, and right now it is killing me to think that I'm part of the reason you are unhappy."

I lean my head back against the cabinet, turning it to look at him. "I'm not unhappy. I'm not," I insist, unsure if it is more for him or me. "And I know that I've been really hurtful to you and I know I've shut you out unfairly." I repress the urge to beat my head back against the cabinet. "God, it's just that when I called, and your girlfriend answered the phone, that hit home. I mean, I knew you had her, and I knew you were sleeping with her by then, but still. I guess that made it official in my mind."

He groans, probably not knowing what to say. "I'm sorry she answered that day."

"No, don't be," I tell him, "I really didn't have any right to get mad. I don't know why I did," I shrug, "Maybe I was mad you beat me to that point or something."

"So, Lucas told you, huh?"

I nod. "I think it came out accidentally. He felt really bad that he betrayed your confidence." He nods. "Would you have told me yourself?" I whisper.

"I don't know, Haley. How do you say that? 'Well, I can't have you, the woman I love more than I love my own life, but since I can maintain erections, I have decided to starting have sex with a reasonably nice girl at college'. Is that what I was supposed to say?"

I can't help but giggle a little. "Maybe it was better Luke told me."

"Well, what about you? That guy seems to really like you," he sighs, taking another swig of vodka.

"Yeah, I guess he does. Look," I say, standing up, "I do need to get back. I promised Brooke I'd get her a drink."

"Okay," he sighs, "Plus, I think there is a line forming out there, anyways."

I nod, grabbing the bottle of vodka and our glasses. "I'll, um, see you around." I fervently wished this wasn't so awkward, but since I don't have a magic wand, that isn't going to change.

He just nods, and follows me out. We go our separate ways – me to the kitchen for the wine cooler mixers and him to the living room, presumably to find Luke. Once I get our drinks made, I walk to the living to find Brooke. Literally, I am shocked to find her dancing with Lucas. Jaw dropping open and everything. I look around for Jake and Jason, but they aren't anywhere to be found.

"Shocking, isn't it?" Nathan asks from behind him.

I nod. "What the hell is going on here? She – she hates him. And they, I mean they haven't talked for years. Huh."

"Where's pretty boy?" he asks harshly.

I look around. "I don't know. Can't find him or Tim. Oh, God, they are grinding. Why are my best friends grinding? With each other?"

Nathan is no help in explaining – he is laughing way too hard. "I think," he gasps out, "That it is Brooke's fault. Look at Luke's face! He looks like he wishes he were anywhere but there."

"I – should I stop her? If she's drunk enough to dance with him, then she couldn't possibly know what she's doing." I'm completely puzzled as to how to handle this.

He shrugs. "I don't know, it kind of looks like they're having fun. Or at least Brooke is, and you have to admit that it's kind of funny to see Luke tortured like that!"

"I'm putting a stop to this." I march over there, pulling Brooke away from him. "Tigger, whatcha doing?"

"I thought you forgot about me," she slurs, obviously having found something else to drink while I was talking to Nathan, "So I started making Broody Luke dance with me. But now my Tutor Girl is back." She throws her arms around my neck. "I love my Tutor Girl!" she squeals.

"I love you, too, Tigger. But come on, remember, we're mad at him," I tell her, jerking my thumb at Luke, "Let's go get another drink."

"Silly, you have drinks in your hand! I can feel them against my back," she laughs, "So let's play a drinking game instead!"

She drags me over to a table, and we take seats, as do a few of the other people standing around, including Nathan and Luke. I hold in the groan I feel at that, and mix a healthy amount of vodka with a little wine cooler.

"That's my Tutor Girl, drinking like a pro," Brooke beams. I laugh at her, leaning my head on her shoulder.

"What are we playing?" Nathan asks.

Brooke pauses in her card shuffling. "Oh. Umm, let's play Kings."

So we play Kings for an hour, and unsurprisingly, Brooke loses and has to drink the cup from the middle that is filled with a mix of beer and mixed drinks. She drinks it like a champ, and slams the cup down proudly when she's done.

She and I walk out to the deck; I need fresh air, and I can't imagine any possible way that she doesn't.

"How ya feeling?" I ask her, solicitously.

"I'm good. How was your bathroom time with Nathan?" she asks back.

I shrug. "I don't know. It's not like we resolved anything, but it's not like we really can. I'm beginning to think that the only thing to do is cut ties completely. God, Tigger, what else is there? He's got his new ho-bag girlfriend, and I've got Jason, who I can't commit to if Nathan is in my life. And it's so messed up." I kick the deck railing.

"You know, if you love him so much, just go be with him." I roll my eyes at her. "Okay, fine, not the best solution. Don't get your Victoria's Secret panties in a twist."

I laugh at her. "You know, just for one day I'd like things to be easy. Not this messy tangle of emotions and stress and mixed messages and unsure feelings."

She pats me on the head, drunk giggling. I don't know why I'm having a serious conversation with someone as wasted as her. "I'm sooooo drunk," she laments, but ruins it by laughing. I laugh with her, rolling my eyes at myself. Deciding to catch up with her, I take a few swigs directly from the bottle. "Go Tutor Girl!" she cheers, "I didn't know you could drink straight vodka!"

Somehow, I don't spit it back out. Or puke it up once I swallow it. How, I don't know, but I don't. "Yeah, that's me, a regular alcoholic," I say ruefully. I pour more vodka in my cup and fill it the rest of the way with wine cooler.

"I'm gonna get some cigarettes," Brooke announces, heading for the door, "And to find Timmy. I think he's still mad at me for saying he has VD." She looks so worried over him being mad that I almost feel bad for her.

"Don't worry – remember that he'll just tell people he got it from you," I wink. She rolls her eyes and stomps inside.

"You two are really good friends," Nathan's voice floats through the door. I turn around to nod at him. "I mean, yeah, you said it, and I've seen you together a few other times, but...Lucas is really the only person I've seen you act so," he pauses, searching for the right word, "I guess open with."

"I don't know what it is or how to explain it, but Brooke and I work as friends. I kind of wish we'd gotten to know each other better, but maybe everything happens for a reason."

"I'm sure it does," he sighs, "Anyways, I'm glad you have her."

"Thanks, me too. Lucas seems to hate it, though. He's never outright said so, but he hates it when I talk about her and Tim, I can tell."

"He's jealous," he confides, "Think about it. He was always the one you ran to before, and how often do you do that now? Probably not very, right?"

I sigh, getting that he's right. "Everything changes, huh? Do you ever wish things could just stay the same? Like you could get them this perfect way, exactly how you always pictured things, and then they'd just stay that way forever?"

"You can't always get what you want," he laughs, "But what is your perfect way?"

I laugh nervously. "I don't know. A year ago I knew, maybe even a few months ago I knew, but now everything is so skewed that I feel like I don't even know who I am."

He cocks his head to the side, looking intently at me. "I know who you are. You are Haley James, the most incredible woman I've ever met. You're Haley James, the smartest person I've ever met, one of the only people who can through to me. You're smart, you're funny, you're _so _beautiful. And you know what you want, and you should do anything and everything to get it."

"You're gonna make me cry," I whisper, sipping my drink nervously, "But thank you. I don't know how you do that."

"Do what?"

"Make me blush, after all this time. God, you've seen me in ways and know things about me that no one else on this planet even has a clue about, and I can still blush at the drop of a hat around you."

He laughs. "I'm gifted, maybe."

"Maybe," I concede. I pass him my drink and let him have a sip of it. "How come you're being nice to me? You know I don't expect you to, not after everything I've done and said."

He shrugs. "Because it's you, and it's me. And I can't imagine being mad at you for very long. And because I understand. I wanted to bash that pretty boy boyfriend of yours face in when I saw him kiss you _on the cheek_ earlier. I just – I'm sorry."

I look at him in surprise. "Sorry for what? Nate, you didn't do anything wrong!"

"Sure I did," he smiles, "I acted like a whiny brat a bunch of times to you. I should've at least – well, I could've done a lot of things different."

I shrug. "We all could, at some point or another. Water under the bridge now, I guess, right?"

"Is it really?" I shrug again. "Well, no matter what it is, I'm here for you. I just – I can't imagine you not being in my life in some capacity, Haley. You've meant too much for too long to just let go of now."

I shake my head. "I don't know if that is such a good idea, Nathan. It didn't work out so well so far, did it?"

"Okay, maybe not, but Haley, we can be friends. I know we can."

I sigh. "Nathan, I don't think we can. I don't think that I can tease you and joke with your girlfriends and I don't think I can borrow your sweatshirts or lay my head on your shoulders or let you wrap your arm around me during a scary movie. I can't do that with you and not expect more."

"So, what? You want to drop me? Kick me out of your life, pretend like what we have doesn't matter, pretend like the past doesn't exist."

"No, it isn't. I just want to be able to move on. I don't know what your secret is, but I haven't gotten that part down yet. I'm not good at that."

"Tell that to your pretty boy," he snaps, pissed off.

"Stop it. Leave Jason out of this. This is about you and I and no one else."

"So you don't even want to try and be friends anymore?"

"It's too hard," I whisper.

And he walked out.

September, 2007

Nathan had stayed in Tree Hill for two weeks, the same as Lucas. But I didn't see him at all after the party, not even from a distance. He stayed away when Lucas and I begged each other for forgiveness, and he stayed away every time we hung out after that. I think Luke felt trapped in the middle, having to divide his time between me and Nathan like that.

And I felt shitty for putting him in that position, but it had to be done. I had arrived at the inevitable conclusion that the only way to get Nathan Scott out of my system was to deny myself completely. Never mind that he was also a friend, not just a lover. Never mind that he had been the best support system I had for over three years. Never mind any of my 'firsts' that he owns. Never mind any of that.

Like I told him, it was too hard. If I had tried to maintain a relationship with him, it would've been too hard. I never would've gotten over him. Oh, hell, I'm not even over him yet, but at least now I have the chance to figure a way to get there. I'm just terrified it'll take a really long time.

Jason has been really great through all this. I found out the next from Tim that he and Jason had left to give Nathan and I time to work things out. They figured that I'd be less distracted if Jason wasn't there. I suppose they are probably right, and I'm glad they left me to figure it out by myself without any outside pressure.

School has started again, so I'm seeing less of Jason. Of course, we spent the last few weeks of August almost constantly together when we weren't working, so that was good. I got to know him a lot better. We're actually officially dating now. It took long enough, since we've been seeing each other since May.

I'm laying on his bed in his fraternity right now, watching him try to find a matching tie to go with his new suit. He has a job interview for some part time work at a law firm tomorrow, and he's so nervous that it's cute.

"I told you I liked the dark purple one," I remind him as he stares at his fistfuls of ties, "And seriously, Jase, why do you need so many ties?"

He laughs. "Because obviously this whole job thing is going to drive me insane and I'll need something to hang myself with." He sighs, laying down beside me. I roll onto my back so I can look at him better. He leans down and kisses me, his tongue playing across my lips. Just as I open mine, he pulls back to smile at me. "I'm glad you're here. I know you have class tomorrow, and you'll probably be tired, so I really appreciate it."

I wrap my arms around his neck, pulling his face down close to mine. "I'm really glad to be here. Really glad." I lean up and kiss him, this time sliding my tongue out to meet his. It is a sexy and hot kiss, and when he moves more fully over me, I moan and pull him closer.

"God, you feel good," he mutters, dropping hot kisses on my neck. I'll probably have a few hickeys tomorrow, but it will be totally worth Brooke and Tim's teasing.

His hand slides up under my shirt, and at first I'm surprised – we haven't gone this far yet – but I immediately relax and enjoy everything he does to me and everything I do to him.

"You okay?" he asks an hour later. One of his fraternity brothers had just barged in, catching us half asleep and fully naked, lying on his bed talking to each other. Of course now we're up and he's got his boxers and jeans back on, and I've got my panties and skirt on, searching for my bra.

"Yeah, I'm fine. It was actually kind of funny when Matt came barreling in; you should've seen the look on your face," I tease him.

"When did you turn into such an exhibitionist?" he asks, "And how can I work this to my advantage?"

I smack him playfully as I pick up my bra. "You know what, you better keep your mouth shut. I'd hate for you to ruin a good thing, here."

After I finish putting on my bra, he pulls me to him. "A good thing, huh?" He leans down and kisses me softly.

"Well, yeah," I say, suddenly shy, "It was good. I mean, it was good for me, I guess I shouldn't presume it was good for you, though. But that's me for ya, always assuming and stuff. Oh, God, I'm babbling."

He bursts out laughing. "Oh, honey, it was good for me, too. But I like seeing you flustered like this, it is very sexy," he smiles, hugging me to him. He kisses my temple, leaning back. "Hey, you're okay with this, right? I didn't push you too fast?"

I look at him in disbelief for a second before bursting out laughing. He really is too good to be true, in some ways. "It's been five months since we started seeing each other. I don't think it is too soon at all."

"Good," he grins, pulling away from me. "Shit, I can't stop smiling." When I laugh, he turns back to me. "Hey, don't laugh, it's your fault. You make me smile."

"Well, you have a similar effect on me, so I guess we're even."

"You know, this wasn't how I pictured it." I look at him questioningly. "Yeah, yeah, I pictured it," he laughs at my expression, "Anyways, I just figured it'd be in a more romantic setting than my bedroom in the fraternity, you know? I hope you don't mind too much."

I laugh. "I don't mind at all. At least you have your own room, right?"

"The benefits of being an upperclassman," he confirms.

He's holding my shirt. "You gonna give that back to me?" He shakes his head, so I lunge for it. He moves it out of my reach. "Hey, Jaaasoooon, give me my shirt!"

"What'll you do to get it back?" he smirks, putting it within reach only to snatch it back before I can grab it.

"Ohhh, blackmail, nice," I laugh, "You're being a brat, you know that?"

He nods. "Yeah, but I have to tell you it is totally worth it. You do realize that you are practically dancing around my room, in only a bra and skirt, don't you?"

I can feel my face heat up, knowing I'm turning red. "Did you plan that?" I ask suspiciously.

"No, it's just a really nice bonus for me," he laughs. I lunge for him, tackling him to the bed. This time when the door flies open and one of his brothers comes storming in, I'm straddling Jason, ass in the air, skirt flipped up for all to see. Instead of getting embarrassed, I just laugh. I laugh even harder when the guy who barged in gets over his shock and grins causing Jason to throw an empty beer bottle at him.

"This damn place needs lock," he whines, "Stupid fire codes."

"Aw, poor baby," I tease, laying down on top of him. "You know what? I hate to do this, but I have to go. It's almost six-thirty, and I told Karen I'd babysit Eric at seven."

He groans. "Damn, okay." He pulls his shirt on, giving me back mine. "I'll walk you down."

As we walk through the house, we are subjected to catcalls and tons of teasing, which has me laughing and Jason threatening his friends. He walks me all the way out to my car, which is a little much, but it's sweet, so I don't say anything.

"So, thank you," I say, smiling, "I'm not really sure the etiquette of these situations."

"Well, if there is supposed to be etiquette, I'm screwed," he jokes, blushing when he realizes what he said, "Aw, crap, I can't do anything right."

I wrap a hand around the back of his neck pulling him down for a kiss. "Thank you for a really good afternoon." He smiles at me as I get into my car. I glance up at his house, and there are at least twenty guys watching us. "Um, Jase? Are you sure you aren't in a sorority?" I ask, pointing out all the guys.

He groans, "I'll talk to them. I think they're just shocked that I have a girlfriend."

"And such a cute one at that," I joke, turning the car on. He laughs, leaning in for one last kiss. "Wear the purple tie!" I yell as I pull away.

I make it all the way to Karen's and get settled in the café with Eric and get her and Keith out the door before I collapse in the back. Luckily there is a new kid working out front, so I don't have to worry about that.

It really isn't that I regret sleeping with Jason, because I don't. It was sweet and sexy and fulfilling, and I have no complaints in addition to no regrets. But at the same time, it is just weird now that I'm not with him to keep my thoughts completely on him. Of course, my thoughts drift to Nathan, and I wonder if he felt this weird sense of sadness the first time he slept with that ho-bag groupie girlfriend of his.

"Eric, what's wrong with me?" I ask plaintively, making faces at him. "I have a great guy, who I adore and who is totally – "I cover his ears, whispering this part, "hot in the sack, and I still think about Nathan. Am I insane?"

He giggles, waving his hands in the air.

"Is that a yes?" I tickle his chubby little belly. "Probably, huh?"

The door swings open, and Brooke steps in. "Ah, Tutor Girl, thought I'd find you here," she grins. She stops short when she sees me. "Oh. My. God. You had SEX!" she squeals.

"What? How did you know that?" I gasp, "Oh, no, Tigger, tell me I don't smell like it!"

She laughs, taking Eric from me. "No, no, I just know these things. I can tell by the look on your face."

"What? I have a post-sex face?" I am thoroughly confused by her right now.

"I'm kidding. Actually, I talked to Matt. He told me he busted in on you two," she laughs, "I wish I'd been there to see that!"

"Crap, I forgot you two had become buddy-buddy," I sigh, laughing, "Oh, Tigger, you should've seen the look on poor Jase's face when Matt came in. It was about the funniest thing I've ever seen."

She giggles, bouncing Eric. "That's what Matt said. So, congratulations on the sex. How was it?"

I blush, "God, I make it through getting barged in on not once, but twice – once buck naked, mind you – but now that you're asking me about it, I can't stop blushing. Go figure. Anyways, it was good. Very good." I giggle. I freaking giggle. Unbelievable.

"Wow, you giggled," she blinks, "It must've been good." She looks at Eric. "Oh, this is too weird, talking about S-E-X in front of a baby."

I laugh. "I was thinking the same thing a few minutes ago."

"So, how are you?" she asks, changing the subject again.

"I'm fine. I told you, it was good."

"No, I mean about Nathan. This was your first post-Nathan sex, right? Has to be weird, you've only been with one guy."

"It wasn't weird until I left Jason. And then it was a touch odd," I admit. "I don't regret it, but still, it's just that a part of me had always thought Nathan would be the only one. I guess I'm a little sad, even though I'm happy Jason and I took the next step. Does that make ANY sense?"

"Not really," she laughs, "No, I'm kidding, it does. Look, three years is a long time to be with just one guy. And you were sleeping with him for over two of those years. So obviously there are some strong feelings involved, and it is bound to be odd the first time you're with someone new."

"Not bad," I reiterate, "Just not the same. And that's good, it would've freaked me out of it was."

She laughs. "You look happy," she comments, "Happier than you've been since you and Nathan broke up for good, or whatever that was last month."

"You mean since we cut off all communication?"

"Yeah, that," she nods.

We chat for awhile more, and then she leaves me alone with Eric. I check in periodically up front, but spend the majority of the evening back here with him. Of course, the majority of my thoughts are occupied by Jason and to a lesser extent Nathan, but they aren't really negative thoughts.

I guess I really am moving on. Finally.


	7. ExFactor

**Chapter Seven – _Ex-Factor_**  
  
_'It could all be so simple,  
But you'd rather make it hard,  
Loving you is like a battle,  
And we both end up scars...'_ – Lauryn Hill  
  
October 2007  
  
"Get the hell out, Smith, you are not even wearing that!" I exclaim when I see his costume. "You're almost naked! And I mean, that's just, that won't go over very well with people like the police and stuff!"  
  
Brooke groans, "God, when I sat next to him in kindergarten, I never thought the day would come when I would see his naked ass." I glance over at her, and crack up at the expression on her face.  
  
"Hey, you say it like it's a bad thing!" Tim whines, "Come on, you have to admit, this is a clever costume."  
  
I'm not sure if this constitutes as a costume, let alone clever. "Tim," I sigh, shaking my head, "Just...no."  
  
"Tim, you'll freeze your balls off," Brooke points out, "And how clever would you be then, Timmy? Huh?"  
  
I roll my eyes at their antics. "Look, I'll put an end to this right now," I tell Brooke, "Smith, this has got to be the fruitiest costume I've ever seen. Now, I could care less about your sexual preferences or what other people assume them to be, but I know you, and I know how much you care. So, if you want more action from the dudes, keep the outfit, but if you want to score with a chick that isn't in drag, you might want to find something slightly less....flamboyant."  
  
He looks a little shell-shocked for a minute. "Oh, I didn't even realize."  
  
"Well, I mean, I'm sorry, it's just that it is kind Studio 54, if you know what I mean," I sigh, looking to Brooke for back-up.  
  
"Oh, Tutor Girl is totally right," she agrees, "Unless you are a male stripper – and unless you have a job we aren't aware of, you aren't – then you shouldn't wear something that one of the Village People wore."  
  
"Seriously, Tim, a loincloth? I mean, and you aren't even going as Tarzan? That's just weird, you know? I don't know many girls who, um, really go for that," I tease him.  
  
"Fine, I'll go check out other costumes," he sighs, stomping back to the dressing room giving us a healthy shot of his ass.  
  
"You know, his ass isn't all that bad to look at," I laugh.  
  
Brooke scrunches up her nose at me before giggling. "You're right, I've totally been checking it out," she laughs. "This is weird, because I mean, it's Tim, and if there was one ass I never thought I'd check out, it was totally his. I'm still not sure if I'm a little turned on or a little grossed out."  
  
"Hey, I'm in the other room, not China," he bellows out at us, "I can hear you!" This just causes us to laugh even harder.  
  
She and I stand up and wander through the store some more, looking for costumes for us that show more skin and ones for Tim that at least cover his ass. Neither of us are sure what we want, so we each collect several from the racks.  
  
"I got a letter from Nathan today," I confide in her.  
  
She looks up from the rack she's digging through in surprise. "No kidding? What'd he have to say?"  
  
"Not much, really. Mostly just that he misses me and he hopes that I'm doing okay, and that if I get the chance, I should go to the game he has at Duke next month."  
  
"You gonna go?"  
  
I shrug. "I don't know, Jason mentioned it to me, too. He told me he'd go with me if I'd like. Said he figured that I'd like to see Nathan play since I haven't had the chance to do that yet."  
  
"Wow, he's gotten a lot more confident now that you two are sleeping together on a regular basis."  
  
I laugh. "Well, I thought it was sweet of him to offer. And I don't know, we'll see. It might be weird to go to a game of Nathan's with Jason. And Nathan would really not like it, no matter how many fuck buddies he has."  
  
She holds up a Wonder Woman outfit, contemplating it. "Well, whatever you decide, I'm here for you."  
  
"You'd go to the game with me?" I ask, smiling. I'm holding a Tinkerbell outfit in my hands that I am seriously contemplating getting. It's totally cute.  
  
"Yeah, of course. I'm sure Tim would, too. And you know, Jason probably has a bunch of guys in his house that he usually goes with. Maybe they could sneak us into the student section or something. It'd be fun. I could see Matt."  
  
"Ah, yes, Matt. Yeah, it's always fun to see Matt, the guy who saw me naked," I joke, "But you're right, it'd be fun. I'll ask Jason about it."  
  
"Gonna write Nathan back?" she asks.  
  
"I don't know, I might send him an email. Snail mail feels more personal or something these days. Stupid technology. Sending an email in return seems more friend, less ex-loverish, don't you think?"  
  
She rolls her eyes. "I think you're weird, but that's okay. Hey, how do you think I'd look as Pocahontas?"   
  
"I think you'd make a very hot Pocahontas," I tell her, grinning.  
  
"What are you holding there?" she asks, gesturing towards the green dress I'm holding.  
  
"Oh, this would just be a Tinkerbell outfit. I was thinking it would be kind of fun. What do you think?"  
  
"Hold it up." I do. "Wow, that green looks good on you. I say go for it, you'll look hot. Plus, it is short, strapless, and tight. You can't go wrong with the triple threat of short, strapless, and tight."  
  
"Well, with a ringing endorsement like that, how could I at least not try it on?" I grin. "First, let's find you a few to try on." We browse through a few more sections grabbing things for Brooke and me to try, and blessedly, we even find a few things for Tim.  
  
"Here, Tim," I call, tossing things over the dressing room stall at him, "Try these on."  
  
"Great, now you two are picking out my clothes?" he groans, "You're like, worse than my mother or something."  
  
"Gross," Brooke comments, "Okay, here's the rule – try on your first outfit and wait until everyone is ready. Then we all step out at once. Got it?"  
  
"Yup," I smile, closing the door behind me.  
  
"Fine, whatever," Tim sighs. "This is way girlie, though. Next time you two feel the need to shop, remind me to decline the invitation to tag along."  
  
I get into my first outfit – this sexy witch thing with a short skirt and halter top, and announce that I'm ready. I wait until Brooke counts to three and then step out with the other two.  
  
"Woo!" Brooke screams when she sees Tim, "That is so much better!"  
  
I grin when I see him. "You do look completely adorable," I smile, "You make a totally hot cowboy!"  
  
"Hey, I will have you know that I am not just any cowboy – this happens to be an official John Wayne costume, so you can now call me the Duke."  
  
"Oh, no. If he wears that, he'll call himself that all night," Brooke sighs, "Okay, next outfits. Back to square one, Timmy."  
  
His face falls, and I think he's starting to get sick of this shopping. Or at least he's sick of shopping with us. I close the door and try on my second outfit. It is an angel costume with a halo and everything, although this is some seriously slutty angel wear for someone who is supposed to be in Heaven. I actually like the witch outfit better.  
  
We all step out, and this time Brooke is looking great in her Pocahontas outfit and Tim looks equally good in his gangster outfit.  
  
"Wow, you guys look good," I smile, "But I refuse to wear this."  
  
"And well you should," Brooke says, frowning at my costume, "That thing is so clichéd. You can definitely do way better than that. Even the witch costume, which was just as clichéd was better. Go try Tinkerbell on!"  
  
"Aren't you two going?" I ask when the just stay there.  
  
"Nope, I found what I'm wearing," Tim smiles.  
  
"Me too," Brooke chimes in, "It was the one I wanted all along, really. So, we'll sit this one out."  
  
I shrug, heading back into the dressing room. I slip into the tight, short, strapless green dress, put the matching wings on and step back out for them to assess me.  
  
"Oh, yeah," Tim grins, "That is hot!"  
  
"Hey, she's your cousin's girlfriend," Brooke reminds him with a slap upside the head, "Show some respect."  
  
"Trust me, it would be disrespectful if I didn't tell her how hot it is," he argues, "I mean, that hugs her ass – "  
  
"Oh, okay, I've heard enough," I laugh, "Please, I've heard enough." I twirl around. "So, this is it? Tigger?"  
  
"Yeah, it's perfect," Brooke grins, "This is going to be the best Halloween ever!"  
  
I really hope those aren't famous last words.  
  
I sigh into the phone. "I can't get my hair right. I'm going to have to get Brooke do it for me."  
  
"Okay," Luke laughs, "So what exactly are you crazy kids doing for Halloween, anyways? Anything fun?"  
  
"Well, Jason's frat is having a party – of course – and since we know so many of the guys and their girlfriends, it just makes sense to go there. Plus, we're still minors, and they have free alcohol," I joke. "And they're fun guys, we all get along really well with them, even Tim. Although Jason might have told them that no matter how much of a dumbass he is, they can't kick his ass.  
  
Luke chuckles. "You and Jason are getting serious, huh?"  
  
I'm not sure how much I want to tell him. I've been purposefully sparse on details with Luke because I just don't know if I'm comfortable knowing he might be talking to Nathan about me.  
  
"Things are going well," I comment cryptically, "We're having a lot of fun together."  
  
"Like what kind of fun?" he presses.  
  
"Why are you so curious about my relationship with Jase all of a sudden? It's starting to sound like you have a crush on one of us, and I'm not sure if it'd freak me out more if it was on him or me," I joke, trying to deflect his attention.  
  
"Um, just curious, Hales. You are my best friend, right?"  
  
"Well, of course."  
  
"So, why can't I ask?"  
  
"It just feels weird. Like you're trying to fish for details about my sex life or something. I don't know, it's just weird."  
  
"Do you have a sex life?"  
  
"Lucas!" I squeak, surprised he'd actually come out that directly with the question, "What the hell?"  
  
"I'm just asking. Is there anything so wrong with that?"  
  
"Look, Luke, I don't know if it was because I was dating your brother for so long, and you just went celibate after the Brooke/Peyton/Nikki disaster of 2004, but we have never talked about each other's sex lives. Is there any good reason we should start now? Because, for the record, I can't think of any."  
  
"I'm sorry," he sighs, "I'm just trying to be a better friend. And better best friends are open to talking about anything."  
  
"Yeah, whatever. Anyways, what are you doing for Halloween?"  
  
"Oh, football team is having a party. I'm going with some guys on the basketball team. It should be alright."  
  
"Dressing up?" I ask, knowing full well that there is no way in hell a bunch of guys on the basketball team will be dressing up for a party the football team is throwing. Unless of course there is hazing involved.  
  
"Yeah, right. I'm not two," he mocks.  
  
"Shut up, Mr. I was Mickey Mouse every year until I turned 13 and my mom couldn't find a costume big enough!"  
  
"You have a long memory, Hales," he laughs.  
  
"Damn right I do."  
  
"What about you? What are you dressing up as for Halloween?" He knows I'll be dressing up without having to ask. Halloween is my favorite holiday, and dressing up is just a given for me.  
  
"Tinkerbell!" I grin, "And I am so excited, let me tell you! It is the greatest costume I have ever worn."  
  
"Even better than the year you were my Minnie?" he pouts.  
  
"Aw, well, it's close. But Luke, this Tinkerbell costume is smoking hot."  
  
"You have been hanging around Brooke way too much if you are saying things like 'smoking'," he grumbles.  
  
I laugh, "Yeah, don't you think she's a good influence?"  
  
"Whatever you say, Hales. Whatever you say."  
  
"Hey, um, I got a letter from, Nathan," I divulge.  
  
He pauses for as second, not saying anything. "Oh, really? Thought you guys went cold turkey or something?"  
  
"Guess not. He invited me to the game they have at Duke," I tell him, hopefully sounding casual. "Did he mention to you he'd be doing this?"  
  
"Well, I, uh, I – "he stutters.  
  
I interrupt him, "Luke, if you two are talking about me, I have the right to know. Do you even remember what happened last time I caught you two talking about me?"  
  
He sighs all dramatically and loudly. "Look, Haley, he dumped Miranda. He decided it wasn't fair to her or him if he was just using her as a substitute for you. And a cheap substitute at that – he felt bad he was just using her for sex, basically. Plus, he realized he barely knew anything about her, and didn't care to find out more."  
  
I'm not sure what to say to that. "She was a substitute for me? What do you mean by that exactly, Lucas? And why are you even telling me this?" I bark in frustration.  
  
"Okay, Hales, would you talk to him about this? I don't want to be in the middle of this, and I already feel like I'm a spy that reports to both of you on the behavior of the other, you know. I hate that."  
  
"Lucas?"  
  
"Yeah?" he asks nervously.  
  
"Please tell me you aren't reporting back to Nathan about me," I warn him, "Because I don't think I'd appreciate finding out you were. And I'd be really mad if I find out that's why you were questioning me about my sex life. But since I haven't been asking you about Nathan, and you're saying you feel trapped in the middle, well, that makes me assume he's asking about me."  
  
He sighs again. "I'm sorry, Hales. He really flipped out after you severed all ties with him. Like was halfway to the airport to get on a plane back to Tree Hill, flipped out. I mean, willing to risk the wrath of Dan by ditching basketball. He was serious about it. I had to enlist Jake to help me talk him out of it."  
  
I'm floored by this...revelation, for lack of a better word. I don't even know where to begin with it. "Luke, give me something to work with here. What happened?"  
  
"I – I don't know, exactly. Sometime between Tree Hill and there he decided he was making the world's biggest mistake."  
  
I sit down, my legs feeling shaky. "God," I breathe, "I don't know what to say or do now, Luke."  
  
"You don't have to do anything, Hales. Maybe I shouldn't have told you. I just didn't want you pissed off at me because I wouldn't tell."  
  
I don't understand how Nathan still has the power to get to me this easily, after all this time. It's just bizarre, and it is pissing me off. I don't understand the hold he has on me. In some ways, it feels like it goes beyond first love. This is all so damn complicated, especially with Jason involved now.  
  
I'm silent so long he jumps back in. "I'm sorry, Hales."  
  
His voice startles me, causing me to jump and almost drop the phone. "No, don't be sorry. I think I needed to know. I don't know what to do with this knowledge, but I don't think it's horrible that I have it now."  
  
He sighs, still stressed about this. "Hales, he wants to get back together with you. I know I absolutely shouldn't have told you that, but he does."  
  
"#$, he thinks we can get back together now? Luke, I don't know what to do. I don't want to break his heart again, but I can't give him what he wants."  
  
"Hey, you don't have to do anything, Hales. This is his problem, so maybe it is time he worked things out on his own. You can't always solve everything for him."  
  
"Lucas, I really miss you right now."  
  
"I miss you, too, kiddo. Especially since it is Halloween."  
  
I laugh, "I know what you mean. But really, thank you for telling me, even if I had to drag it out of you a little."  
  
"Sorry I was fishing for info. Want to tell me what's really going on now? Promise I won't tell anyone," he laughs.  
  
"There's not much going on. Things are good with Jason and me. I really like him a lot, and he – I – well, things are good," I say blushing, even though he can't see me.  
  
"Ah, so you two have been sleeping together," he deduces, "I can tell by how you tripped over what to say there at the end."  
  
"Wow, you're intuitive, when did that happen?" I joke.  
  
"I don't know. Maybe since I met a really great girl," he says, and I can tell from the sound of his voice that he is just grinning.  
  
"What? When? Lucas Scott, are you holding info out on me? Oh, my gosh, well, do tell. I want to hear all about it!"  
  
He tells me all about it, and before we hang up so I can finish getting ready, he promises again to stay out of things between Nathan and me. Whatever those things are.  
  
I call Brooke and beg her to come over because I can't seem to get my hair, and she shows up as I'm still struggling with it.  
  
"I thought I told you to stop touching the hair, and wait for me," she growls as she comes in my room.  
  
"I know, but I thought – "  
  
"There you go thinking again – how many times do I have to tell you to knock that off?" she jokes. "Okay, let the master do her work."  
  
After she works on it for awhile, possibly causing some serious damage to my scalp, she shoves me in front of the mirror. "Uh, Tigger?"  
  
"Yes?"  
  
"Tinkerbell didn't wear a tiara," I tell her, otherwise loving the look.  
  
"Who cares? Your hair is perfect like that, and we have to be at Tim's in twenty minutes, which is not sufficient time to whip up something else, so let's go!"  
  
I laugh at her energy knowing she is excited for the party tonight.  
  
"Okay, this will work. And I'm sorry I didn't mention it earlier, but you are officially making quite the lovely Pocahontas."  
  
She smiles and curtsies. "Why thank you. I'm hoping by the end of the evening, I will be Poke-Me-Hontas."  
  
"Okay, too much information, thank you," I groan at her bad joke, "Seriously, you going after Matt?"  
  
She shrugs. "I don't think so. He's a good guy, hot, good kisser, and all, but he's almost too nice for my tastes."  
  
I roll my eyes at her. "You know what, if you like him, go for it. Don't let the fact that he's a nice guy stop you, Tigger. You deserve a nice guy, too!"  
  
"Whatever," she sighs, "Now, come on, let's go." I grab my camera and this cute little bag I'm using as a purse for the evening and stuff some backup makeup in there, and decide I'm ready. She drags me down and tosses me in the car.  
  
"You're getting awfully pushy," I complain, laughing at her.  
  
She just shrugs. "Yeah, well, someone has to keep you in line," she jokes, "And it looks like I'm the woman for the job!"  
  
God help me.  
  
"Hello Party People!" Brooke shouts as we walk in the door of the fraternity, "I am here, let's get crazy!"  
  
Tim shakes his head and I grin as about fifteen guys line up waiting for Brooke hugs. My grin widens as I see Jason walking over towards us, and I stand aside so he and Tim can do the manly, cousinly hug/slap thing. Once they get the ritualistic male behavior over, he picks me up and spins me around.  
  
"You," he whispers in my ear hotly, "Look amazing. Ten kinds of gorgeous. I'm starting to think we need to be up in my room having our own trick or treat session."  
  
I turn my face to him and kiss him. "After. We have to at least stay long enough for me to drag you out on the dance floor a couple of times."  
  
"Uh huh, whatever you want," he agrees as I press against him. I pull away, winking at him. "You are the most gorgeous little...uh, what was Tinkerbell again?"  
  
"Fairy, I think," I laugh.  
  
"Okay, fairy. You are the most gorgeous fairy I have ever seen." He kisses my neck. "You sure you don't want to go upstairs now?" he jokes.  
  
"I'm sure," I laugh, "Besides, with our luck, someone will just barge in anyways, claiming they were moving the party up there."  
  
He groans, pulling away from me. "Did you have to remind me? God, that is still embarrassing," he blushes.  
  
"You're cute when you blush," I smile, "But you're even cuter when you're leading me to the open bar."  
  
"Upstairs, downstairs, or basement?" he asks. See, this is why fraternities are kind of cool, and make up for inconsiderate housemates that barge in you – they don't just have one bar. Oh, no, they have two or three or four.  
  
"Mmm, whichever is most festive," I decide, and follow him upstairs. "And speaking of festive, where is your costume?"  
  
"Well, I thought about going as Naked Man, but I figured I'd save that for later when it was just you and me," he whispers, sliding his hand over my butt.  
  
"You're no fun," I tell him indignantly, "You should never be too old or too cool to dress up for Halloween."  
  
He just shrugs. "I don't know, I'm not really a costume kind of guy. I always feel so dorky and embarrassed in them."  
  
I can't help but tease him. "And this from the guy takes off his shirt and paints his chest for football games. You see, it is bullshit like that this that makes it impossible for women to understand men fully."  
  
"Painted chests make it difficult to understand us?" he asks, bemused, "Better than spending hours painting our faces every morning!"  
  
"Hey! At least we don't do it for the sole purpose of getting on TV while we're drunk and loud and making asses of ourselves," I fire back, laughing, "And now I have half a mind to drag you up to your room and find a sheet for you to wear as a toga. At least that'd be a better costume than nothing!"  
  
"Do we have to?" he laughs, "Because I'm perfectly happy in my jeans and t-shirt."  
  
"Okay, okay. Let's go get a drink, though." He takes my hand and pulls me into one of the rooms that have bars. Matt is currently on bartending duty.  
  
"You're up next," he tells Jason, who sighs. "And Miss Haley, it's good to see you again. Fully clothed that is."  
  
"You've seen me fully clothed several times since then," I point out, laughing at Jason's protective expression.  
  
Matt grins. "Yeah, I know, but it is fun to piss Jason off. You know what would piss him off more?" I raise an eyebrow at him. "Dancing with me when he's on bar duty."  
  
I laugh. "Sure, I can do that. I like your costume, by the way." He looks ridiculous in his Han Solo Star Wars replica outfit, but I'll totally give him creativity points. "Oh, and Pocahontas might be looking for you," I tell him as he hands us our drinks.  
  
He laughs, adding, "I'd like to poke her hontas." Jason and I both groan at his bad joke. "Not funny?" he questions slyly.  
  
An hour later, Jason is manning the bar upstairs, and I'm dancing with Brooke and Tim and whatever random guy is trying to molest Brooke. I'm not even sure if he is in this fraternity.  
  
"It's hot in here," Tim complains, "Let's go out on the balcony."  
  
"Only if you promise you have no bungee cords hidden in your pockets," Brooke teases, "I have the feeling that if you tried that stunt again, they'd come up with a much worse nickname for you."  
  
Tim just shrugs good-naturedly. "Hey, at least they like me! Besides, Bungee Boy isn't such a bad nickname."  
  
"Oh, they like me, too," Brooke says coyly, "They like me a lot. More than you! And FYI, Bungee Boy is a horrible nickname, Timmy."  
  
I roll my eyes, sipping my drink. "You two are such children sometimes," I whine, "Always bicker, bicker, bicker."  
  
They both grin widely at me. "And you love it, James," Tim informs me, laughing. Brooke nods in agreement. "If you didn't love it, you would've taken off running a long, long time ago."  
  
I shrug. "Maybe, maybe not. Maybe I'm just too used to you guys now to bother running," I tease.  
  
"You love us, admit it," Brooke cajoles.  
  
"You fishing for compliments, Tigger?" I ask, grinning. She nods. "Okay, fine, I love you guys. You are awesome friends, and I can't picture my life without you. Sappy enough for everyone?"  
  
"Awww, that's so sweet," Brooke laughs as she launches herself into my arms for a hug. "I love you, too!"  
  
"Yes, I finally get my hot girl on girl action," Tim grins lecherously, rubbing his hands together.  
  
"Damn, Smith, you're wrecking a nice moment," I tell him before Brooke can kick him, "The least you could do is join in and tell us how much you love us!"  
  
He wraps his arms around us, and kisses each one of us on the cheek. "I love you both. You're my best friends."  
  
"Awwww," Brooke and I say simultaneously, "You're so sweet!"  
  
He blushes, but smiles, too. "Well, it's true. I know I give you guys a lot of crap, but I know how lucky I am to have you."  
  
"We're lucky to have you, too," I smile at him. "We're all lucky to have each other, no matter how, um, weird it was for us to be friends at first."  
  
"Hey, it wasn't weird. At least for me," Tim disagrees, "You thought it was weird? Why'd you think that, was it because of me?"  
  
"Well, that's the obvious reason," Brooke laughs, "But Tim, think about it. Haley was friends with Peyton and is friends with Lucas, both of whom I don't get along with well. She's also Nathan's ex, who is your ex-friend. And you and I, well, we never got along in high school. Or middle school. And I hated you in elementary school for stealing my crayons. It's a screwed up, out of the ordinary situation."  
  
"So, what?" Tim shrugs, "Maybe it wasn't ideal and we haven't been best friends since we were peeing in each other's swimming pools – well, Haley doesn't have a pool, but you get the point."  
  
"Yeah, we get it, Tim, go on," I laugh.  
  
"Right, so just because we haven't been friends forever doesn't make it mean any less, right?"  
  
"Of course not," Brooke says with a wave of her hand, as if doing so makes it irrevocably true, "Look, we've all had...relationships that were important to us before. And we still have relationships now that are important to us and may even conflict with our friendship." She looks at me when she says that, and I feel Tim's gaze on me, too. "But no one has let that affect what we have here, so I think we're all good."  
  
"Me too," I agree, relieved that they didn't think I was some horrible person who put my old friends first or something. I've tried to maintain a balance, and I'm glad they recognized it.  
  
"Man," Tim says, pretending to cry, "I love you guys!"  
  
My cell phone rings, startling me. I'm even more startled when I look at the caller ID and see that it is Peyton calling. I almost drop the phone.  
  
"Um, you guys, I need to take this. If Jason looks for me, would you tell him I'm out in the yard?"  
  
They nod, looking at me curiously. I grab my drink as well as Brooke's and run down the stairs out into the side yard so I avoid the partygoers coming and going, sitting down on the step.  
  
"Peyton?"  
  
"Hi, uh, Haley. I was, uh, I was just calling to see how you are. It's been a long time."  
  
"Well, I, ah, I'm fine. How are you?" I ask curiously. It's weird to hear from her now. We hadn't heard a peep from her or her father since he left to take her up to New York to find a hospital for her to be in.  
  
"What the hell do you care?" she snaps.  
  
I actually recoil from the phone, startled. "Uh, Peyton, if I didn't care, I wouldn't have asked. Hell, I wouldn't have even answered my phone at all. What's going on?" I ask as cautiously as possible.  
  
"I – I'm sorry, I shouldn't have freaked out. I'm calm now. I'm doing my breathing exercises."  
  
"O-o-okay," I stutter, completely unsure of myself in this conversation. Why the hell is she calling at midnight on Halloween? And is she still in the hospital? If not, where is she? God, I can't bust out with all these questions; I'm not sure how they'd affect her, and I don't need another freak out.  
  
"I'm sorry, Haley, can't you forgive me?" she cries.  
  
"For what, Pey?" For yelling at me now, or for last year? I'm so confused by what is going on right now.  
  
"For everything. Oh, I know you hate me, Haley, you don't have to say it. I can see it in your voice."  
  
Okay, if she can see it in my voice, I'm beginning to think that she is either not out of the hospital or that she needs to be back in it. Either way.  
  
"I don't hate you, Peyton. I promise."  
  
"LIAR!" she screams. I actually do drop the phone this time. I quickly pick it up, placing it once again to my ear.  
  
"Peyton, where are you?" I ask again, needing to know.  
  
She laughs strangely. "You can't put me back in that hospital, Haley, I won't go. No matter what you do, no matter who you lie to, I won't go."  
  
Click.  
  
Oddly enough, my first thought is that I get hung up on a lot. My second thought is pure terror over Peyton's whereabouts, and not just in terms of myself. God, she could be anywhere out there, alone and scared and confused. She might not have any money or a place to stay, and any creep could take advantage of her. I'm so scared for her. Anything could happen to her.  
  
"Hale?" Jason calls from around the corner.  
  
"Over here, Jase," I call back, glad he's here. He walks around the corner, smiling when he sees me.  
  
"Hey, I was missing you. Brooke said you had a phone call, everything okay?"  
  
I shake my head. "I don't think so." He sits beside me, taking his jacket off and wrapping it around my shoulders. I smile gratefully at him.  
  
"Want to talk about it?"  
  
I nod, glad to have someone neutral who isn't at least somewhat involved in things, someone who will be on my side no matter what. Well, besides Brooke and Tim, but I'm not ready to tell them yet, this just hits too close to home, especially for Brooke. He sits here beside me, not pressuring me to talk.  
  
I take a deep breath. "Okay, I had – have, I don't know – this friend named Peyton. She and I became close in high school, and she was a part of my little group of friends. She came home last Thanksgiving, though, and freaked out that I was friends with Brooke and Tim. After assuring me it was fine. There was some nasty business between Pey and Brooke, so they really didn't get along." I take another breath, shivering. "Then on New Year's we went to Florida to watch Luke play basketball in a tournament. We were barely talking, and she spent most of the trip drunk and angry. It finally culminated with her coming back one night when Luke and I were hanging out and her just blowing up and stomping out."  
  
He brushes a strand of hair out of my face. "Sounds rough."  
  
I smile wryly. "Yeah, it was. Anyways, I find out that Peyton has spent time in a mental hospital for – get this – attempting to poison Brooke. And no one ever told me."  
  
"Whaaat?" He looks so amazed and fascinated that I almost laugh at his expression, but I guess laughter isn't really appropriate for the situation.  
  
"Yeah. Luke and Jake were the ones who got her help, and they told Nathan so he could protect me, whatever the hell that means. And Brooke promised to keep it quiet, so no one ever knew besides them."  
  
"Where is she now?" he asks, shaking his head at the information overload.  
  
"I don't know. That's the problem, really. But it sounds like she needs to be in the hospital," I sigh, "And it worries me that she isn't. God, I don't know if she's okay to take care of herself, I don't know if she's dangerous to herself or others, I don't know anything."  
  
"Hey, there's nothing you can do about, gorgeous," he says soothingly, pulling me closer, "It isn't your fault, either."  
  
I get as close to him as I can, drawing strength and comfort from him. "I know. But I'm going to have to call Lucas and everyone tomorrow. Warn them, see if Luke can get in contact with her dad. I just wish I could help her."  
  
He smiles at me as I climb onto his lap. "And if you need anything, let me know. I'm here for you any time you need it."  
  
"I know. Thank you." I kiss him softly, sweetly. "And you know, if you have any crazed, delusional friends who may or may not have escaped from a psych ward, I'm here for you, too," I manage to joke.  
  
He laughs. "At least you still have that sexy sense of humor."  
  
"My sense of humor is sexy, hmm?" I ask, fishing for compliments.  
  
"I don't think there is much about you that I don't find sexy," he smiles, "But I'll deny that I said the mushy stuff."  
  
"Oh, you're one of those sensitive with the girl, macho with the friend types, are you?"  
  
He grins. "Only if it's working."  
  
I can't help but laugh with him. "You're too much," I smile, kissing his chin, then his cheek, purposely avoiding his lips.  
  
"You're teasing me, aren't you?" he oh so astutely asks, "I'm not sure if I like it or if I think it's the worst form of torture ever."  
  
I laugh. "I could really torture. I am sitting on your lap, so I could wiggle my butt against you or something."  
  
He groans. "You're evil. That is all there is to it." He kisses and sucks on my neck. "But you're a really good tasting kind of evil. Very sweet."  
  
I moan as he slides his hand up my leg, under my skirt. "Maybe we should go up to your room now," I whisper, pulling away to stand up.  
  
He's grabbed my hands and has dragged me halfway to the front door so fast my head spins. When I start laughing, he turns around and smiles at me. "Are you laughing at my eagerness?"  
  
"Just a little," I giggle, holding my finger and thumb a tiny bit apart.  
  
"It's all your doing," he informs me as we tear up the stairs. I trip and fall like the klutzy spaz that I am, and I start cracking up, all the emotions of the day just pouring out of me in laughter. I guess I can't complain – laughter beats tears any day of the week. People around us are staring, but I barely notice and Jason doesn't seem to be bothered by it, so I just tune them out completely.  
  
He sits down beside me, laughing, too. "You okay?" he chokes out.  
  
"If I wasn't, I'd be really mad that you were laughing at me," I warn him, laughing harder, myself. He helps me up, and proceeds to take me to his room where I forget about everything but him.  
  
"You sure you don't mind if I make these calls from here?" I ask, concerned. I'm going to call Luke first, and the chickenshit part of me is hoping he'll volunteer to call Nathan and Jake to let them know about Peyton's latest escapade.  
  
"Hey, I don't mind at all. And if you need me, I'll just be in the shower. You can join me or just, you know, yell for me." He kisses me on the forehead and walks out of the room clad only in his towel.  
  
"It'd be much more pleasant to just get back into bed with him than do this," I tell myself out loud. Sighing, I punch in Luke's familiar number and wait as it rings.  
  
"Mmm, hello?"  
  
"Luke? It's Hales. We need to talk," I sigh.  
  
"Haley, it is 11am on a Saturday. What the hell is going on? What is so important it couldn't wait until at least after noon?"  
  
"I heard from Peyton," I inform him, letting it sink in.  
  
"Oh, shit," he groans, "You're kidding. God, what'd she say?"  
  
I sigh. "Luke, she was freaking out. Just, it was weird, I don't know. I think she's out of the hospital. She said she was anyways, but she sounded pretty messed up. Like maybe she doesn't really know what is reality and what isn't," I whisper, "I don't know what to do. What if she's on her own up there? What if she can't even take care of herself and she doesn't have a place to live?"  
  
"And what if she's plotting something like she did towards Brooke?" he asks, giving voice to the one question I hadn't been able.  
  
"Yeah, and then there's that. I don't know what to do, Luke."  
  
"Hey, hey, Hales, it'll be okay. We'll figure things out. I'll try again to get in touch with Larry. I'm sure I will, and he'll be able to at least tell us where she is and how she's doing, okay?"  
  
I nod reflexively, although I know he can't see me. "Okay," I sniffle, trying not to cry. "I just – I hate this. Why does it have to suck so much?"  
  
"Aw, honey, I don't know. Hey, don't worry about it, okay? Just make the other calls you need to make," he says meaningfully, "And then forget about it for awhile."  
  
"And what other calls do I need to make?" I ask, a little perturbed with his presumption, although I know he's right.  
  
"Jake and Nathan. You get a hold of them, and then I'll try and hunt down Larry, okay? Hales, it'll be fine, I promise."  
  
"Yeah, okay," I sigh.  
  
"Hey, I'd talk more, but Alyssa is going to be back any second now, and well, you know."  
  
"Oooh, Alyssa is there? Or will be back? I want to talk to her," I tell him, laughing at his groan. "Best friends get to evaluate new girlfriends. You remember that rule, right?"  
  
He chuckles, "Yeah, instituted after the great Peyton/Brooke scandal of 2004. And it hasn't failed since. But...you can't talk to her today for several reasons, the first of which it is too soon. And the most important reason is that you just want to use it as a stall tactic, and I'm not going to let you do that."  
  
"Brat," I mutter.  
  
"Haley, just call him. You'll be fine, I promise."  
  
"Yes, Daddy."

"I'm hanging up now. Love you."  
  
"Love you, too, Luke."  
  
I call Jake next, and we have a quick conversation before he has to go take care of Jenny. Rather inconsiderately, I hadn't thought about the time zone differences, so it is only 9am there now, and I feel bad. He promises to help in any way he can, and will assist Luke in finding Larry if necessary.  
  
Before dialing Nate's number, I settle back on Jason's bed and take a deep breath, bracing myself. I'm wearing this huge, oversized sweatshirt of his that is completely comfy as well as a pair of his boxer shorts. They're a strange comfort as I dial Nathan's phone number. I haven't actually heard his voice since the night of Theresa's party two and a half months ago, so this is probably going to be kind of strange.  
  
"Haley?" he asks, when he answers the phone.  
  
"Yeah, it's me," I say softly, "How are you, Nathan?"  
  
"I'm okay," he says cautiously, "What's going on, Haley J? I know you aren't calling me to chat, as much as I'd like to think otherwise."  
  
"It's not that, Nathan. I'm sorry this can't be a social call. Look, I heard from Peyton last night."  
  
He listens quietly as I explain the situation, interrupting me only twice to ask a couple of clarifying questions.  
  
"Are you okay?" he asks when I'm done.  
  
"I'm not sure," I admit, "I'm freaked out by it all. When she was yelling, I was just picturing the rage that had been on her face that night she left Luke and I in that hotel room. And then I picture that lost look she'd get sometimes, and I worry about whether she's warm, and if she has food. And then I feel like shit for assuming if she's out of the hospital that she'd be homeless."  
  
"Aw, baby," he sighs, "It'll turn out okay, you know that, right?" His calling me 'baby' throws me for a second, once I get past how natural it still feels. I feel like I'm trapped in this weird world where terms of endearments from him and both the best and worst thing I've got.  
  
"No, I don't," I tell him, honestly, "This is messed up, Nathan."  
  
Jason walks back in, again in just his towel. His eyebrows rise a little in surprise at the mention of Nathan's name, but to his credit he just smiles at me and begins digging through his closet.  
  
"I assume you've already talked to Lucas," he says, not waiting for me to answer, "So what do you need me to do?"  
  
"There isn't anything you can do, really. Luke is contacting Larry and Jake is going to help him if he needs it. Basically all we can do is wait and hope we find her soon."  
  
He sighs. "Well, I wish there was more I could do."  
  
"Me too, but there isn't anything. I went round and round with Luke on that."  
  
"I wish I could be there for you, at least," he murmurs.  
  
"I'm fine, Nathan." I smile at Jason's backside as he drops the towel and pulls his boxer briefs on.  
  
"I know you are, and I know you can take care of yourself. I just – missed you, that's all. Hey, did you get my invite to the game?"  
  
"Um, yeah, I did, thanks."  
  
"Given any thought to it?"  
  
I sigh, feeling trapped. "Yeah, I'll probably be there if I don't have to work. I'm sure Karen would give me the night off, though." Of course she would. Hell, she'll probably be at the game with Keith, Deb, and Dan.  
  
"Great, I can't wait to see you," he whispers huskily.  
  
"Well, we'll probably be there," I tell him, trying to sound cool and collected, not excited and happy or frustrated and scared.  
  
"We?" he questions, "Bringing Brooke and Tim?"  
  
"Yeah, probably," I tell him, honestly.  
  
"Okay, well, I can tolerate them if it means having you with fifty feet of me. I miss you, Haley."  
  
"Look," I sigh, "I have to go. I just wanted to let you know about Pey. I guess if you think of anywhere she might go, let Luke know since he's kinda coordinating things."  
  
"Yeah, uh, okay." I know he can sense the dismissal I'm sending his way, and I feel badly about that. I just can't let myself get too involved with him in any capacity right now, especially now that I know he dumped the ho-bag for me. I don't want to encourage him or give him reason to think I'll just up and change my mind.  
  
"I'll talk to you later," I tell him, "Goodbye."  
  
"Yeah, bye."  
  
We hang up, and I flop back on the bed. I look up at Jason. "Who knew it would be so damn hard to tell your friends that your other friend is basically MIA walking around like a lunatic?"  
  
He lies down beside me, and I smile at him. "You okay?"  
  
"Yeah, I'm fine."  
  
He pretends to look me up and down. "Yeah, you sure are," he grins.  
  
I smack him on the arm, laughing. "Well, it was weird to make those calls. First, Luke's new girlfriend was there, or would be back there in a few minutes. And then I'm dumb and called Jake in California, even though it is only 9am there. At least I got to say hi to Jenny. I really miss that little girl. And then, well, talking to Nathan went like it always goes. A little uncomfortable and a lot stilted."  
  
"So, again I ask if you're okay?" he smiles.  
  
"Yeah, I really am," I tell him, "I'm just a drama queen about this crap. It really freaks me out. I always thought of Peyton as being so normal, if not just a smidge moody and artistic. What the hell does that make me if I thought she was normal?"  
  
"Normal," he laughs. I roll my eyes at him, "I'm serious!" he defends, "It's the people who go around diagnosing others that are weird. Projecting, or something. To just assume someone is normal until they give you a reason to know they aren't is nothing but normal, Hale."  
  
I roll over onto my side, smiling down at him. "Thank you. I'm glad you think I'm normal," I laugh.  
  
"Well, one of us has to be normal, right?" I nod, laying my head down on his chest and cuddling against him.  
  
My life really has been anything but normal the last year or so, but not in a bad way. In fact, things are pretty good right now. Of course, that could all change at a moment's notice. So I'll just enjoy what I have right now because it is good.


	8. Shadowboxer

**Chapter Eight – _Shadowboxer_**

'_Once my lover, now my friend  
What a cruel thing to pretend  
What a cunning way to condescend  
Once my lover, and now my friend'_ – Fiona Apple

November, 2007

The café is insanely busy again today. I glance over at Karen, and she just shrugs helplessly, just as clueless about the sudden business boom as I am. I hurry to get customer's coffee cups filled and espresso made. This is really stressing me out, but I paste on a smile and go about doing my job.

"Miss? I need decaf, not regular," one lady says after taking a sip of her coffee. I'd poured her cup a good ten minutes ago, and now she expects me to believe that she can taste that it isn't decaf. But I just sigh, and grab the pot of decaf and a glass, and fill her up.

"This is a zoo," Karen marvels in a whisper to me at a moment when we are both behind the counter putting pastries on plates.

"You're telling me. I think I might have hearing damage from the noise. This is crazy. I don't think I've ever seen it this busy before."

She sighs wearily. "Tell me about it. I don't know if I should be grateful or horrified that it's so busy. We've been doing a lot more business over the last few months, which is good business-wise, but just hell otherwise."

"Well, if you need any extra help this weekend, I can come in. I know Zach still isn't really up to speed," I tell her in reference to the latest high school kid she's got working in there. "Just let me know," I smile.

"No way, Haley. I know you see your cute boyfriend way too seldom as it is, so I am certainly not going to monopolize your weekend time, too."

I laugh, sort of grateful that she's so thoughtful. "Well, if you need someone, you know who to call."

"Thank you for the offer, my dear, but no. I will not let you sacrifice your weekend to the café. Just isn't going to happen," she smiles.

"Well, I think Jase is going to spend at least part of it studying for the LSATs at my house, but I've had to promise I won't bother him. I might just drop in, and I won't take no for an answer then."

"His LSATs?"

"Yeah," I nod, "He's applying to law schools."

"Which ones?"

I know she doesn't mean which so much as where, and she's wondering if this will be a similar situation to Nathan leaving.

"He's applying all over the place. His first choice is Duke, actually, but he doesn't think he'll have a great chance at that since they are pretty selective when it comes to admitting their own undergrads. But he's also applied at almost every state school there is, so we'll see."

"You really want him to stick around, huh?" she grins.

"Well, yeah, I mean, he's my boyfriend. I really like him. I know he isn't going to be in Tree Hill, and probably not even as close as he is now, but if he's in state, I feel like I can get in the car and go to him if I need to. We'll see what happens," I shrug.

"If he leaves, would you break up?" she asks cautiously. She says it so softly that I think she's afraid I'll freak out that she's drawing comparisons to Nathan and me.

"I don't know," I tell her honestly, "A part of me really wants to see where this could go, and that might mean making a go of a long distance relationship. But the other part of me is just terrified of what would happen if I agreed to make it try. If he'd move on without me or something, you know?"

She looks surprised, and I'm sure a lot of that stems from the fact that I was so adamant in breaking up with Nathan. But she chooses to be pragmatic about it and leave it alone. "Well, you'll be going to school, too, in the fall. What if you end up going away instead of him?"

"Actually, if Brooke and Tim can get into Duke, that's where I'll be. Which is why it would be so perfect if Jason got into their law program."

"Haley James, why on earth would you base your college choice on where your friends are going? I would've expected that out of some of Luke's other friends, even Luke himself, but not you. What's going on?"

I shrug, unsure how to explain it so that it makes as much sense to her as it does to me. "Karen, I don't want to be left behind again. I don't want to go somewhere by myself where I don't know anyone. I don't want to have to start building friendships all over again. Brooke and Tim have made college a great experience for me so far, and I want to stick with them. I owe it to them and me to do just that."

She sighs, not entirely getting it, obviously. "Honey, I understand that you don't want to be alone, but I don't know if you should base your college choices on that fact. Now, I know I'm not your mother, but – "

"Oh, Karen, come on. We both know that for all intents and purposes, you are my mother. You've been here for me for as long as I can remember, and I love and adore you for that."

Tears form in her eyes. "Oh, honey." She wraps her arms around me. "You don't have to say that just to distract me."

I laugh a little. "I wasn't. I mean, I'll file it away that it is a good distraction method, but that wasn't why. I really do love you, you know?"

"I know, sweetie, and you'll always be my daughter. And you know I love you, too."

"You know, we've been ignoring the customers for an awfully long time now, right?" She grins, laughing.

"Yeah, we sure have. I suppose we should get back to them." I nod. She makes no move to do that, though. "I really do love you as much as I love Lucas and Eric. I still remember when you two were just little, and he'd scare you by jumping out of the closet at you, and then you'd scare him by putting a snake in his bag."

I laugh, remembering. Life was so much simpler back then. It was easy and it was safe, but in all honesty, it wasn't as fun and challenging as things are now. Maybe simple isn't always better.

"That was a long time ago," I tell her, "He probably wouldn't cry if I did that to him now. If he did, he'd get ragged on big time."

"You guys have both grown up a lot," she concedes, "But you're still my little kids. So, I'm probably always going to think of you as such, you know that?"

I nod, "I guess I can understand that. At least not whine about it much!"

"You're such a good kid, Haley."

"Aw, I don't know about that. I try sometimes, though."

"You are," she smiles kindly, "You're a lovely woman, and you bring joy to a lot of people's lives. You think I haven't seen what you've done for both Brooke and Tim?"

I blush. "No, that's not fair. They've done just as much for me as I could ever do for them. I'm not kidding, Karen, I don't know what I would've done without them the last year or so. They've been incredible."

She pats my hand. "I'm glad that you've all been good for each other. I worried about you when everyone left, especially Luke and Nathan. I could see what a toll it was taking on you those first couple of months. It was a relief when you started finally getting comfortable with Brooke and Tim and their friendship."

"For me, too," I laugh, "I was so afraid I would be alone and friendless here in Tree Hill. And that Luke and Nathan and everyone would have new friends and girlfriends and stuff. Which of course happened, but at least now I can say the same."

She hugs me. "Okay, honey, now we really do need to get to work, some people are starting to give us dirty looks."

We laugh and rush off to serve the customers. Her words ring in my ears as I pour coffee and serve pastries to people.

"What time is Jason getting there?" Brooke asks.

"He's there now," I tell her, "I'm just letting him study for a bit before I head there to bug the hell out of him."

"Damn, I'm glad I don't have to study for some huge test like that. That would kill me. My head would explode," she laughs.

"Well, it's a good thing you aren't planning on going to law school, now isn't it?"

"I'd fit in there about as well as a whore in church, so yeah, that is definitely a good thing for me not to do."

I laugh at the look of horror on her face at the mere idea of law school. "Well, I'll tell you that I have no interest in going to school that long," I admit.

"So no his and hers law practice in ten years?" she teases.

"I guess not," I laugh.

"He narrow it down at all where he's going to school?" she asks.

"Well, he's applied pretty much everywhere on the east coast and a couple of schools in California and Washington. I remember the first time I met him at that stupid Valentine's Day party he told me he didn't care which school he went to as long as he got his law degree."

"And you think that's changed, Tutor Girl?"

I shrug. "No, not for him. But judging by what he tells me his family says, I'm thinking they think he should try for something more prestigious."

"And you don't want him to leave the state."

"I don't want him to leave Duke," I laugh, "So let's not talk about the state."

She laughs, but then sobers up. "If he left, would you two break up? I know how you feel about long distance relationships."

She doesn't say it in an accusatory fashion, so I don't take offense. "Karen asked me virtually the same thing last week," I admit, "I told her I wasn't sure what would happen, but that I'd kind of like to try. I – I really like him, Tigger, and I'm over a year older, and maybe a little wiser. Maybe I could do it now."

"And maybe you trust him more than you trusted Nathan," she points out.

I think about what she said. "It's not that I didn't trust him," I say carefully, "It's more that I didn't trust the situation. He's a gorgeous, popular athlete on a school famed for its basketball team. There are going to be a lot of opportunities for him."

"And you don't think Jason has those opportunities?"

"Not in the same way." She rolls her eyes at me. "Oh, I know he has opportunities. Hell, probably even more than I'd care to think about. But it is still different."

"And the difference is that Jason is three years older than Nathan, and that he has this inherent maturity that Nathan doesn't really possess. I know you know him better than I do, but still – I know enough to know he isn't the most mature person in the world. At least he wasn't when you two ended things."

I think about it, unable to dispute she's right. "It's not just him, though. It's me. For whatever reason, I'm in a better position to be trusting now. But a lot comes down to the fact that his main focus is school, not basketball. I knew Nathan would care more about basketball than school. And that would bring him into contact with – well, you know."

She smiles. "Well, I guess that doesn't matter now."

"Yeah, I guess not," I sigh.

"You going to Nathan's game?" she asks, eyebrows raised.

"Yeah, I told Jason that I'd like to go with him. You'll come, right?"

She laughs. "Of course. Maybe I can bust out my old cheer moves or something."

"Oh, yeah, please do," I tell her, laughing sarcastically, "Can't get enough cheerleading in my ear."

"Which team you going to root for?" she asks abruptly.

Oh, God. The dreaded question. The huge dilemma. "I don't know," I say haltingly, "I wish I did, but I don't. I mean, how can I not root for Nathan, you know? He's getting a lot of playing time, and it's kind of his homecoming. But then, if we sit in the Duke student section, I look like an asshole for rooting for the other team."

"That is quite the problem you've got there," she laughs.

"Thank you for your empathy and understanding," I whine, pouting at her, "Do you see how this is going to be a huge problem either way? Plus, what if it makes Jason feel weird that I'm cheering for Nathan?"

"If he does, so what? Tell him to go to hell. Nathan is – or was – whatever, anyway, Nathan's important to you. If he has a problem with it, that's just it – his problem."

"You really think it's that simple?" I ask.

"Is it ever?" I laugh, shaking my head. "Well, it should be in this case. Look, it's Nathan. You loved him for a long time. It stands to reason you'd want to cheer him on. Maybe we should sit in the visitors section with the 'rents."

"Well, what about Jason then? I already said I'd go with him, and I really don't want to ditch him, you know?"

"So invite him to sit with us. If he doesn't want to, fine, if he does, even better. I don't think it's that big of a deal."

"Well, I don't want to hurt his feelings."

"Oh, please. Get over it. He will. Besides, I think he knows you're committed to him, right? It shouldn't be a big deal, Tutor Girl, stop stressing." She is talking to me like I'm crazy, and maybe I am.

"You're right," I sigh, "I'm just weirded out by this whole thing. And I know Nathan is going to want to see me, and that is going to be a huge mess, and damn, I just don't know what to do without pissing everyone off."

"So, don't worry about anyone but yourself," she suggests.

"Yeah, great advice," I tell her sarcastically, rolling my eyes.

"Hey, it's what I do," she laughs.

"And it works for you. For me, though? Doubtful."

"My advice? I mean, my real advice?" I nod, giving her the go-ahead. "Talk to Jason, and if necessary, talk to Nathan."

I laugh, "God, I was afraid you'd say that!"

"Huh, and I thought you'd expect me to tell you to sleep with them both, and then weigh the pros and cons."

"Nah, I know you better than that, Tigger."

"Well, I have to go. Tim called and asked me for his 'help'. He won't say what it's for though, so I'm kind of worried it's going to be weird. Or manual labor. I wouldn't appreciate that."

"I'm sure he wouldn't appreciate being yelled at like you would, so I'm sure he won't expect that of you. I think he's got a poly sci test coming up. Probably wants you to help him study."

"Ah, my life is so exciting," she gripes facetiously, "It's Saturday afternoon, and I'll probably spend the rest of the day and night studying with my male best friend. Blech."

"It could be worse, I'm sure."

"Yeah, well, that depends on what Tim has planned," she groans.

"Have fun." I laugh as she pouts on her way out the door.

"Shut up," she growls, not looking back.

I'd ignored Karen's mandate that I wouldn't be working today. Well, I only sort of ignored it since I'm not technically working, but I am still here. She did allow me to take Eric back here with me, and he's sleeping peacefully on a pillow next to me. I pick him up and lay him against my chest, inhaling his sweet baby smell.

He's soothing to have in my arms, and it's nice to have a baby to hold without having to take it home with me. That's one thing I'm not ready for. But that being said, I do adore this little guy, and I love spending as much time as possible with him. I think he's my favorite Scott these days.

I glance at my watch, and realize that Jason has probably fried his brain with all this studying. I give Eric back to Karen and head back to my place. My parents are off visiting my oldest brother and his family for the next month, so I'll be alone again for Thanksgiving. Which is actually fine, in some ways, because the last few times both my parents have been in town they've ganged up on me to lament my wild ways.

They frustrate the hell out of me because 95 of the time they forget all about me. They're just too old and too tired to worry about me, and I'm fine with that arrangement. But that other 5 of the time, when they think they need to harp incessantly at me for two or three days at a time is unbearable.

They're gone now, though, so I can have Jason over all weekend without having to expose him to the irritation that I was spawned from. Plus, Brooke and Tim are much more likely to come over when they're gone. It's not that my parents are mean or anything, but they're just not welcoming. I guess that's the problem.

I park my car in the driveway, and jog inside to find Jason, along with Brooke and Tim. Of course, I hadn't known Brooke and Tim would be here, so I'm a little surprised by that.

"Hey guys," I smile, walking in, "What's going on? Are you interrupting study time?"

Jason smiles. He gets up and gives me a kiss. "It's all my fault. I couldn't get a hold of you, and I was bored out of my mind, so I called them and begged them to come over and entertain me."

"Oooh, and what sorts of entertainment are they providing tonight?"

Tim grins. "Eh, we just got here, but I was thinking we could bust out that old Playstation of your brothers so that I could whip his ass at Madden."

Brooke rolls her eyes at me. "Boys. No matter what, it all comes down to video games. Do you guys ever think of anything else?"

"Sex and food," Jason answers, winking at me.

"I'm sorry I asked," Brooke sighs.

"Shut up, Brooke," Tim scolds, "Like you think of anything else yourself! When was the last time you had some great thought?"

"I have great thoughts all the time," she protests, stepping closer to him, "And you know it. Why are you being such a jackass?"

"Okay," I step in, trying not to laugh at them, "Speaking of sex and food, Brooke, let's go to the kitchen." I grab her arm and start dragging her off with me. The guys follow behind us, so I turn around to see what they want.

"I thought you guys were going to kick each other's ass on the Playstation, and yet here you are, tagging along behind us," I grin.

"You said sex and food and started dragging Brooke off," Tim explains, "Figured we didn't want to miss that."

Brooke smacks him lightly on the arm. "Go play your game," she laughs. They pout, but head back to the Playstation.

"Boys," I laugh.

We throw together a small plate of food for us all to share. When we get back out to the living room, the guys are engaged in a fierce battle of Madden, waving their arms in front of each other while furiously pressing the buttons on the controllers.

I swear, I never understood video games, and I was always glad that Lucas never was that into them. Nathan liked them, and played them a lot, but he usually kept his playing to when he was alone or when his friends were with him.

"Food!" Tim grins, "Let me at the food."

He makes a grab for it, and Brooke holds it up out of his reach, smirking at him. "This isn't for you, fool, this is for me and Tutor Girl. And maybe Jason if he can charm some from her," she taunts.

Jason looks over at me, asking slyly, "Can I?"

I sit down next to him, squishing myself into his chair. "You might be able to if your trying hard enough."

"Enough with the sexual innuendo," Brooke groans.

"Hey, that wasn't innuendo, at least not intentionally. Your mind is just so entrenched in the gutter that you don't know the difference anymore!"

"Just the way it should be," she grins wildly. She turns and looks at Tim. "Scoot over, Timmy Boy."

"I hate it when you call me that," he whines. Jason wraps his arms around my middle, still playing the game.

"Do they have crushes on each other?" he asks, whispering in my ear.

I burst out laughing. Tim and Brooke look at me oddly, but I ignore whispering to Jason, "No, I think they think of each other as brother and sister." I crinkle my nose at the thought of them being more. "Ew, that's just a gross thought!" I laugh.

"What's gross?" Brooke asks. I look pointedly at her, causing her to shrug. "What? So I'm nosy, that's nothing new!"

I roll my eyes, about to tell her what we were saying when Tim jumps in. "You're nosier than my mother," he grumbles, "I'm seriously not kidding about that anymore."

"Yeah, so? I'm bitchier, too," she admits.

"You're right," Jason laughs, "They are more like brother and sister than boyfriend and girlfriend. That's exactly how my sisters and I fight."

"Oh, God, and you said my mind was in the gutter," Brooke laughs, "You thought Tim and I were like, dating or something? That is just wrong. And evil of you to even let it cross your mind!"

"Gee, Brooke, thanks a bunch," Tim utters sarcastically, "Glad to know you find me so freaking repulsive."

Jason laughs, setting his controller down and wrapping his arms around me. I lean back against him, turning my head to kiss him on the cheek.

"I didn't say you were repulsive," Brooke sighs, "I said the idea of you and I as a couple was repulsive. Don't tell me you don't agree."

"No, I do, of course, it's just you don't have to be such a raging bitch about it." Apparently his feelings are hurt.

"Why don't you take this outside," I suggest, getting tired of the bickering and the noise, and frankly just needing to be alone with Jason so I can ask him if it's okay if I go to the game and sit in the visitor's section.

I think Brooke takes the hint because she looks at me sort of sympathetically. "Yeah, we can. Come on, Tim, drop me off at home?" she asks.

"Sure, let's go," he sighs, "I've got to study for my marketing exam on Monday anyways. I need all the time on that I can get."

"See you guys later," Jason says.

"Yep, have fun studying," I laugh.

We can hear them bickering on their way out, and when the door finally slams shut – hopefully Brooke didn't slam it on Tim's finger or something – we grin at each other. "I thought they'd never leave," he laments.

"I was beginning to think that, too," I sigh, snuggling closer to him.

"So, how were things at the café?"

"Oh, Karen wouldn't let me work, so I mostly just played with Eric in the back. And Brooke stopped by. So that was about it. How's the studying going? Or how'd it go until Tim showed up?"

"It was fine. I've gotten through a lot of the material, but I'm starting to worry about everything. Hopefully I won't blank out."

"I'm sure you won't," I smile. I'm feeling nervous. I don't want to un-invite myself from the game so that I can go with Nathan's family, but I have to.

"Hey, can I ask you something?" we ask simultaneously, freaking me out. He sounds nervous, too, so that immediately increases my nervousness. We laugh about it, though. "You go first," he smiles.

I take a deep breath. "Well, you know that we're supposed to go to the UConn/Duke game next week?" He nods, smiling a little. "So, I was wondering if you'd mind too much if Brooke and I went with Karen and Keith and Nathan's family. It's not that I don't want to go with you, it's just that I owe it to Nathan to be in the visitor's section rooting for him."

He grins. "Is that what's got you all nervous? I thought you were going to break up with me, kick me out of here," he sighs.

My eyes widen in surprise. "What? No, of course not. Why would you think that?" I'm worried I've been giving off weird, standoffish vibes or something.

"I don't know, I guess it was just the way you started off the conversation. Your voice had a little warble in it."

"You started it off the same way!" I laugh, which I cut off abruptly when I realize what that might mean. "Oh, my God, are you breaking up with me?"

He laughs as he tightens his arms around me. "God, no. Actually, I was just going to ask if you wanted to go to Raleigh with me for Thanksgiving. You could me my parents and my sisters. They've been bugging me about you for the past two months, and it seems like the time is right."

"I – wow, I mean, I would love to meet your family." And I would. The only problem is that I don't want to ditch Tim and especially Brooke. I'm not really sure how to approach that, though.

"Yeah?" He is smiling so widely it is adorable. "My sisters have been begging me for information on you," he laughs, "They'd be thrilled to meet you."

"I can't wait to meet them either." He's looking at me with a half-smile/half-smirk on his face. "What?" I ask, self-conscious.

He laughs. "Tim and his family will be there. You can invite Brooke, if you'd like. Tim was telling me that you get all protective of Brooke whenever there is any kind of family holiday or something. I figured you wouldn't want to leave her."

I move so that I am straddling him, and lean down to softly kiss him. "Thank you," I whisper. I kiss him again. "You." Kiss. "Are." Kiss. "Wonderful." Long kiss. I slide my hands under his shirt, fingers playing over his abs. We both groan when the doorbell rings. "Damn," I mutter, pulling away. "Hold that thought," I smile, getting up to answer the door.

I throw open the door, and my jaw drops when I see that Peyton is standing there. I'm completely stunned, more than I've ever been. "P-P-Peyton. Uh, hi."

She pushes her way past me into the house. "I'm sorry," she says, not turning around to face me. I shut the door behind her. "I know I shouldn't be here; hell, I know you don't want me here, but I didn't know where else to go. I tried to find Nate at UConn, but I couldn't, so I just, I guess, ended up back here."

Jason wanders into the hallway to see what's going on. "Um, Peyton," I sigh nervously, noting that Jason's eyes widen at the mention of her name, "What's going on?"

"I just – oh, you have company," she says dully when she sees Jase, "I should go. Um, I think I can get into my dad's house here, even though it's locked up."

"No, don't go," I tell her, stepping in front of her, "God, Peyton, are you okay? What – what's going on with you?"

"I'm supposed to be in the hospital," she whispers. Jason takes a protective step towards me. "I can't, though, I can't be there, Hales. I hate it. It is so horrible."

"Pey, if your doctors think you need to be there, then you should be there," I try and reason. Jason lays a hand on my shoulder. "Why did you leave?"

She dissolves into tears. "I couldn't be there. I was so scared, and alone, and I hated that. I didn't know what to do, so I left."

"God, Peyton," I breathe. She looks like hell, I finally notice. Her clothes are dirty, her hair looks unwashed, and she really does look terrified.

"Haley, please, I know I need help. I know that. But not there. Not when I'm trapped in a hospital, that's not helping. It's just making things worse."

I don't know what to do. I hate to send her back to a place that she is clearly terrified of, but she can't not be somewhere getting help. "Peyton, I don't know what to do for you. I want to help you, I really do, but this isn't exactly the best situation. Last time I talked to you, you were clearly freaking out."

"I know I need help. Please, Haley, don't send me back to that hospital, please," she begs. Jason squeezes my shoulder and steps out of the room. I know he won't go far, but I think it will set Peyton more at ease with him out of the room. "I'm sorry I interrupted you and your friend," she sniffles.

"It's fine," I sigh. "Look, I need to talk to your doctor. I can't make this decision, Pey. If he thinks you need to be hospitalized, then you need to be hospitalized. If you want to find a different hospital, I'll help you. But I can't go against your doctor's orders."

She nods, taking a step towards me but quickly stepping back. "Look, I'll give you his number. When you decide what to do, I'll be at my dad's house." She pulls a card out of her bag, handing it to me.

"No, you should stay here. Look, you can stay in the guest room for now, go take a shower or whatever, get food, and I'll call your doctor. I know you won't want to wait around to find out what's going on."

She nods, starting up the stairs. "Hales? Thank you for not automatically sending me back there."

I nod. I watch as she disappears up the stairs. Jason steps back out into the foyer. "You okay, baby?"

I nod again. I feel like a bobblehead doll. "I am, I think. God, if her doctor says she has to go back, I don't know how I'll tell her. She looks so scared, did you see how scared she looks?" I babble, unable to stop myself.

"Shh," he murmurs, putting his hands on my shoulders, "If he says she needs to go back, we'll find a better one, maybe closer to here for her. It'll be okay, Hale, I promise."

"I just don't want to see the look on her face if..." I trail, "Well, I mean, she already looks so sad and defeated. I can't add to that."

"We'll figure it out, okay?" I nod, managing a small smile. "Do you want to call the doctor now? You told her you would."

"Yeah, I'll do that."

We walk back into the living room, and he sits down and watches as I make the call. It's a long conversation – I have to go through a lot of people explaining the situation and my relation to Peyton before they'll let me talk to her doctor. My conversation with him is short: Peyton had in fact been making progress before she bolted. Because she left, it is his recommendation that she be back in the hospital immediately, but he is willing to let her choose which hospital that would be. I thank him for the information, hanging up as quickly as I can. It isn't hard to see why Peyton seems to hate him so much.

"She can choose her own hospital," I tell Jason when I hang up. I'm not sure how I feel about it. Peyton was my friend for a long time, but now I'm not sure if I want her choosing a hospital here near Tree Hill. It would be so hard; of course, I could immediately kick myself for the selfishness of those thoughts.

"You want to go up and tell her?" he asks, "I'll stay down here and get a couple more minutes of studying in while you do."

"Yeah, I'll do that." I stop at the entrance to the room, turning around to face him with what I hope is a mischievous smile on my face. "You still holding that thought?" I ask coyly, winking at him.

He laughs. "That is one thought I'm always holding, Haley. Now hurry up, so you can hold it for me."

"Pervert," I laugh.

"You like it," he retorts. I just smile at him as I back out of the room.

I find her sitting on the floor of the guest room at the end of the hall. She's showered, and is sitting here in just her towel.

"Peyton?" I question softly so as not to startle her. "Do you need something to wear?"

"I'm too tall to wear your clothes," she reminds me, "I'll just put my jeans and a t-shirt back on."

"No, I have some old sweats of Nathan's that are actually in the back of the closet in here," I tell her, walking over to it. "I put them in here after we broke up. But they'll work fine for you."

"You won't mistake me for him and jump me, will you?" she jokes, reminding me briefly of the old Peyton.

I smile. "Don't worry, that's not a problem. Or even an option."

"The guy downstairs," she deduces.

I nod. "Yeah, the guy downstairs." I don't know why, but I don't want to go into Jason with her. I'm not ready to have girl talk with her, not after everything that happened.

"So," she says after an awkward pause, "What did Dr. Nelson say?"

"You can choose your hospital," I tell her, figuring it will make her happy. But she just nods and looks away, sadder, if possible. "We aren't friends anymore, are we?" she asks out of the blue.

I sit down on the end of the bed. "I don't know. Probably not. It's been a year, Peyton, since we've had a conversation that even comes close to resembling normal."

"It's not my fault I was sick, though," she defends.

I nod. "No, it isn't, but I can't do this. I can't handle never knowing if or when you'll fly off the handle at me for something as little as being friends with Brooke. I just can't live like that, always waiting."

It is her turn to nod as she looks up at me. "I am sorry. Look, despite what the doctor said, about it being okay if I stay here, I think I'll go back to New York. My dad is in New Jersey now, probably worried sick, and there is really no reason for me to be here anymore."

I bite my lip, feeling downright awful. I don't want Peyton to feel unwanted here, and I know that's what I'm doing right now. "You should do what's best for you," I tell her.

She nods. "No, this is. I do need to be close to my dad. It'll be for the best if I go back there. Um, if I could borrow your phone, I'll call him now, get him to get me a plane ticket. I'll be out of your hair tonight. I'm sure the hospital wants me back soon."

I nod, handing her the sweats I pulled out of the back of the closet. "Let me know if you need anything."

As I turn to walk away, her hand snakes out and grabs mine. "Hales? Thank you for not turning me out or calling the police or something. I know you didn't want to see me again, not after everything I've done."

"It's not that, Peyton. It's just hard. I'm not sure what to do or how to act with all of this."

"Yeah, me neither. But really, thanks."

"You're welcome."

I drive her to the bus stop an hour later. Her dad booked her a flight for a few hours from now, and she refused to let me drive her to the airport, so here we are.

"Again, Haley, I'm sorry. And I appreciate your help."

"It was no problem, Peyton. Take care of yourself."

We don't hug when she gets out of the car, and we don't even shake hands. I think it is safe to assume that this is the end of our friendship. Maybe, even if Peyton didn't have her problems, our friendship would've ended anyways. Maybe this is just the way it is supposed to be. I cry a little on my way home – for what was, for what is, and for what will never be.

Tonight is the night of Nathan's basketball game at Duke. I'm nervous and excited to see him, but I'm thrilled to have the chance to watch him play in person again. Nathan's basketball was always kind of special to us, and I feel like I'm almost violating our relationship in a way.

Jason has been more than great about understanding why I can't go with him. It's pretty clear to everyone that I'm way more worried about it than he is. I spend the afternoon before the game with him, and then I meet Deb, Dan, Karen, Keith, Eric, and Brooke for dinner beforehand. Tim is going with Jason and the frat boys. I think that Tim will join the frat in the fall if we get accepted here.

Dinner is fun. Nice and relaxed, and it is sweet to see how excited Deb and Dan are to see Nathan play again. This is his second or third game of the season, so they haven't gotten to watch him since the spring. But now both are practically bursting with pride, all decked out in UConn gear. Even Eric has been adorned in a UConn shirt that Karen tells me Nathan sent him this fall, probably to bug Luke.

I never 'got' basketball, so I tune out most of the discussion that Keith and Dan have about Nathan and the team's stats. Deb and Karen both ask me about school and Jason, and it feels weirder than I ever could've imagined. I keep my answers noncommittal, not wanting make a big deal over my new relationship on a night that should be devoted to Nathan.

"Nathan is really excited to see you," Deb confides, sounding somewhat sad.

I nod. "I'm excited to see him, too." I know I sound more nervous than excited, and I'm sure she picks up on that. But I am excited to see him, especially watching a game.

She nods back, but doesn't say anything more on the subject. I'm guessing she's picked up on how things ended between Nathan and I, and probably isn't too comfortable with it now. Or else he told her, which is a possibility since he told Luke.

Karen lets me carry Eric, which is nice; now I have something to do with my hands. Of course, Dan purchased excellent seats damn near on the court itself. Brooke and I sit on the end, Eric in my lap and Karen on my other side. My breath catches when Nathan runs out on the court, and I smile as he covertly glances up at the crowd for us. His smile grows when he sees us, and I can't help but smile back at him.

I don't know how he still does this to me. Things have been completely over between us for months, and I'm dating a guy I really like a lot. But the second I see Nate, it's like nothing and no one else matters.

"What are you doing?" Brooke whispers in my ear.

"What? I'm not doing anything," I whisper back, feeling defensive.

"You are, too," she accuses, "You're eye-flirting! You are eye-flirting with Nathan, your ex-boyfriend, while your current boyfriend is somewhere in this building."

"Brooke," I hiss, "I am not. I'm sorry, I just smiled at him. He's – it's Nathan, how could I not smile at him?"

She shrugs. "There's a look in your eyes, Tutor Girl. That's all I'm saying. His, too, if it makes you feel better."

"Tigger, it's nothing. Drop it, please."

She nods. "Okay, no problem."

It's hard for me to know what to do with the joy that I feel at seeing Nathan again. A part of me wants to write it off as a 'first love' thing, but I'm smarter than that. I know that nothing with Nathan and I is as simple as 'first love', and it's not that I want it to be that simple. Well, maybe a part of me would, but really, I cherish everything I've had and shared with Nathan. It's just that all of that makes it so hard to move on.

I love him. Not past tense. I think I will always love Nathan in some capacity, and right now, I still love him in ways I shouldn't. It's something that I hate about myself, at least at this moment when I can't take my eyes off of him. If I were stronger, I'd be able to let myself let go. I've made him let go, and I've let go to an extent, but my heart still yearns for him. Seeing him now has just brought that crashing back against me.

I have serious feelings for Jason. I don't doubt that; I know that he is a very important part of my life, and I'm lucky and happy to have him in it. The problem is that I feel the same way, if not more, for Nathan. And I shouldn't. I've told him time and time again that he shouldn't feel that way about me, but I'm the hypocrite who can't let go herself.

Brooke has struck up a conversation with the cute guy sitting behind her, and Eric is nearly asleep, so all I really have are my thoughts to keep me occupied now. I try to keep my expression closed off as I watch Nathan warm up, but it's hard. I have so much pride in Nathan, and seeing him there in his UConn jersey just makes me want to grin and tell everyone around us that I know him.

Eric starts getting fussy, so Karen and Deb take him out to feed and change him. The game starts, and Nathan is on the bench. I keep staring at the back of his head. I feel so silly. I used to do this in high school, too. Nathan was the only one I'd see out on the court. 'I only have eyes for you', indeed.

He finally gets into the game midway through the first half. Dan and Deb are practically beside themselves with joy, and Karen and Keith look pretty damn proud, too. When he makes a basket, I'm actually afraid that Dan will piss himself with joy. He is just that excited.

Brooke and I have fun cheering for him and reciting her high school cheers. It is so weird to feel 16 again. It's almost like after the game Nathan will meet me outside the gym, and I'll wear his letterman's jacket as we go back to his apartment. Of course, this isn't high school, and that scenario is so not happening, but it's a nice flashback.

The game ends. Nathan had about 15 minutes of playing time, which Dan assures us is great considering the depth of talent on his team. Brooke leaves to find Tim and Jason, and the rest of us wait around to meet Nathan after he's done with his team meetings. I hadn't really planned on that, but I'm here and I know he wants to see me. Truth is, I want to see him, too.

"You okay?" Karen whispers.

I nod, smiling a small smile at her. "Yeah, I'll be fine. I'm just, well, I guess nervous about seeing him again."

She puts her hand on my shoulder. "I know, I can tell."

"Is it weird that there is still something there?" I ask nervously.

She shakes her head. "Oh, honey, no. I think that it is perfectly natural that there is. In fact, if you tried to tell me that there wasn't, I'd assume you were lying."

I laugh. "No, I can actually cop to this."

She hugs me. "You know, things always have a way of working out. It might not seem like it, but they do."

"What if they don't work out the way you expect?"

"Doesn't mean that it's the wrong way, does it?"

"I guess not," I sigh. "I just feel weird that there is still so much between Nathan and I, especially now that Jason is in the picture."

"Well, that's something you'll need to figure out. I have faith in you, Haley, you'll do fine."

"Thanks," I laugh, "You're a big, big help, Karen."

"Anytime," she smiles, hugging me.

I nervously shift my weight from foot to foot while I wait for Nathan to come out. The doors open, and a few guys wearing UConn jerseys step out. I scan them for Nathan, but he isn't in this group. We wait some more, and I get anxious so I start twirling in little circles since no one is paying any attention to me.

A hand clamps down on my shoulder from behind and I let out a huge gasp, spinning to see who grabbed me.

"Oh, my God, Nathan! Don't do that! You scared me half to death," I wheeze out, trying to catch my breath.

He laughs, opening his arms and pulling me into them. "Hey, you," he says into my hair.

It feels good to be in his arms again. That is the first thought I have when he touches me. The _instant_ he touches me, that is all I can think. How good he feels, how good he smells, how much I miss him. God, I think I might cry, and that would be embarrassing to no end.

I can't think of anything to say. I know that everyone is probably staring at us, and I want to feel embarrassed, but I'm not. I wasn't supposed to be this happy to see him, not after all this time. Not after cutting all ties to him. And yet, here we are, once again.

He pulls away from and hugs Deb, his eyes on me the whole time. After he hugs her, he shakes hands with Dan and Keith, and gives Karen a kiss on the cheek. Eyes on me the whole time. Even when he takes Eric from Karen he's watching me. It's kind of uncanny, this whole being watched thing, but I can't take my eyes off of him either.

Dan and Keith start congratulating him on his playing time increases, and he smiles good-naturedly and talks about some new exercise and weight lifting he's incorporated into his workout that he thinks is making a difference.

I can tell he's been working out extra hard – I still know his body as well as mine. But right now, right this second, the only thing I can focus on is how great Eric looks in his arms, how perfect. Once upon a time, I envisioned myself having Nathan's kids, and this just hits home.

Tears spring to my eyes and I have to turn away, pretending to dig in my purse for something. As I'm wiping my eyes, Nathan wraps his arms around me from behind.

"I missed you, too, Haley J," he murmurs.

"How do you do that?" I ask, knowing I don't have to explain myself.

"I know you better than you know yourself."

I just nod, knowing it's the truth. I should probably move away from him and gather myself, but I can't.

"You're coming out to dinner with us, right?" he asks.

"Yeah, I am," I tell him.

"Good." He grabs my hand and we follow everyone out, trailing slightly behind.

"Nathan, what's going on here?" I ask, and I can hear the fear and uncertainty in my voice. "We shouldn't be holding hands, I wouldn't want to upset your groupies," I say, trying to pass it off as a joke when really I just feel guilty because I have a boyfriend. A really nice boyfriend. That trusts me. And likes me a lot. And that trusts me.

"They'll get over it."

I pull my hand away, anyways. It isn't right to hold his hand, and so I won't. That's just how it has to be. He looks at me strangely, but doesn't press the issue, much to my relief.

"What's been going on with you?" I ask, making small talk.

"You mean, how's my life away from basketball going?" he asks, sighing.

I shrug. "I guess. You can tell me how basketball is going, too, if you want."

"Well, aside from basketball, I have no life. I'm a boring, nerdy basketball player who is on track to get a 4.0 this semester."

"Shut up!" I grin widely, resisting throwing my arms around him. "Nathan, that's fantastic! I always knew you could do that if you wanted!"

He laughs. "Hey, congratulate yourself. You were the one who taught me all those valuable study skills, remember?"

"Yeah, I remember. Still, though, you couldn't have done it if you didn't want to, so the accomplishment is all yours. I'm really proud of you."

"Me, too," he smiles, "I'll make the conference all-academic team."

"I take it that is a good thing?"

"A great thing," he confirms.

"Well, that's wonderful, Nathan. I am really happy for you. So, tell me what else is going on with you?"

"That's about it. School is hard for me, I had to devote almost all of my spare time to studying to pull down that GPA. Assuming I get it, I mean."

No social life? Nathan Scott has no social life? The mind boggles. We ride to the restaurant with Deb and Dan, and make small talk the whole way there. It's close by, luckily, on the Duke campus, so we're there and seated in a matter of minutes. After we all eat, Nathan and I excuse ourselves to take a walk. I promise that I'll drop him off at the hotel to meet his team. I tear up watching him say goodbye to Deb, even though they promise to be up at his games next month. I don't think even he realized how much he'd miss Deb, and even Dan.

We wander through campus toward the lot that I parked my car at. We're quiet at first, both reflecting on this evening and more. We turn to each other at the same time, ready to break the silence.

"So – "

"What – "

"You go first," he smiles.

"I don't know what I was going to say," I confess, laughing, "So you should go first."

"Well, mine was stupid, and I doubt I'd want to know the answer anyways," he warns, "But I was just going to ask what you've been up to?"

"It's not stupid. And I haven't been up to much. I spend most of my time with Brooke and Tim, trying to make sure their grades are high enough to get into Duke with me."

"Your boyfriend goes here, doesn't he?" he asks.

"Yeah, he does," I confirm, "But this is his last year."

"Well, he'll probably stick around, right?"

I shrug. "He's going to law school, so it depends where he gets accepted, basically. He could be at Duke still, or he could be in California. We'll see."

"You know, I think I'm stupid to tell you this," he starts, "But I asked Luke to find out how serious you were with the pretty boy."

He blushes when he says it, so I forgive him even though it wasn't too long ago that I was really annoyed by it.

"I know," I let him know, "I figured it out when Lucas started going places we'd never gone before in our friendship."

He cringes. "Hope you weren't pissed at him. It was my fault, I really did talk him into it."

I laugh. "Yeah, I know, he copped to it. I was a little irritated with him, but I got over it pretty quick."

"Is it weird if I ask you how things are going with pretty boy?"

"It's kind of weird that you insist on calling him that," I hedge, sighing, "And I don't know if it's weird to talk about it with you. We haven't before, so I just...I don't know."

"Then I'll ask, and we'll find out," he decides, "How are things with you and pretty boy these days?"

I roll my eyes at him. "You're a brat. Things are – they're good." I can't lie to him and say otherwise. Not fair to him, not fair to Jason, even though it would be easiest on me.

"Yeah? Okay. I want you to be happy, Haley J. You know that I want to be the one to make you happy, but if I can't, I'm sort of glad you have found someone who can." He kind of chokes up at the end there, and my heart breaks a little again.

"Oh, Nathan," I sigh, "I want you to be happy, too. And I thought I could be the one who'd do that for you. I'm still sorry I can't."

"You have tonight," he argues. We walk along, silent again for a few minutes. "I know you don't want to hear this, Haley, but I love you. I can't help it. I thought it would go away, but it hasn't. I'm not stupid – I won't throw myself at you or beg you to take me back. I know you have that new guy. But I just wanted you to know, so that if there's any chance...well, I just wanted you to know."

"A part of me will always love you, too," I tell him. "But I can't let that part have what it wants."

"Yeah, I know," he says, smiling a sad smile at me, "And that's okay. I just didn't want to wake up some day and realize that I could've at least told you I loved you. It might not make a difference, but I'll never regret that I didn't try this way."

"I don't know what to say," I tell him truthfully.

"Don't say anything. This was just about me saying my piece. Anyways, where was your boyfriend tonight? Lucas had warned me that you might go with him."

I nod. "I was going to, actually, but then I realized that I couldn't. I couldn't sit in the student section with Jase when I really wanted to sit with the other people who love you and cheer for you. So I sat in the visitor section instead."

He thinks about it for a minute. "I know it is selfish, but I'm glad. I'm glad you wanted to root for me."

I punch him lightly in the shoulder. "I'll always root for you. You deserve the best, and I root for you to get it all the time."

"Thanks," he smiles, then sobers. "I heard about what happened with Peyton. How you holding up?"

"I feel guilty," I confess. I haven't been able to talk to anyone else about this, but it feels natural and right with Nathan. "She asked if our friendship had ended, and I basically said yes. I feel like shit for doing that."

"Don't," he says, taking my hand, "You have to do what is best for you, even if – well, you know how it is. You did what you had to."

"Doesn't make it any less shitty. And doesn't make the fact that I was glad she went back to New York go away."

He drops my hand and pulls me into a hug. "Knock it off. You did what was right for you and Peyton. She's best off making a fresh start, and you gave her that opportunity."

I shrug. "Well, who am I to make decisions for other people?" I cringe at my words, knowing that I have made a ton of decisions for Nathan over the past year and a half regarding our relationship.

He doesn't say anything, but the smirk on his face indicates my slip. "It's fine. She'll be fine."

"Want to sit down?" I ask, indicating a bench. He nods, and we sit. "You haven't asked me about Jason much. I mean, yeah, you've asked a few things, but not as much as I figured," I point out, "I have to admit, I'm kind of surprised."

He shrugs. "I don't want to fight?" He says it as a question, but I believe that he really doesn't want to fight with me tonight.

"I don't want to fight either. I was just surprised, that's all."

"Well, I told you that I had been asking Lucas. Haley, I know you guys are serious, I get that. And maybe I don't like it, but what can I do to change it? Not much."

I shiver, wrapping my jacket tighter around me. He gives me his jacket, which he'd been carrying. "Thanks," I smile, wrapping it around myself. I can't help but be honest with him. "You know, it was like being in high school again tonight, watching you play. It almost felt like we'd be meeting after the game to go out with Jake, Pey, and Luke, and then you'd spend the night at my house."

He grins. "Those were good times," he acknowledges, "And I kind of had that same feeling. When I saw you sitting up there with my family – well, I really am grateful. I was afraid I'd have to look for you in the Duke student section. Of course, I could've looked for the girl not wearing blue and white with no face paint on. Might've actually been easier to spot you!"

I laugh. "Well, like I said before, there was really no other option. I'm glad I sat with your family, and I'm glad I came."

He stands up. "You know, you should get headed home. You've still got a half hour drive ahead of you, and it is already late."

"Oh, don't worry about me," I smile.

"Oh – you're staying with your boyfriend. Oh. God," he groans, starting to walk off, "Okay, um, okay."

I walk after him, grabbing his arm. "Nathan, I am going home. I just didn't think that getting home early was a reason for me to rush out of here. It's not like anyone is at home to worry about where I am," I point out.

He looks down, sheepish. "I'm sorry I jumped to conclusions. Guess there are just some things I don't really want to know or think about."

"Yeah, me neither," I grin, linking arms with mine, "Which is why I could've kick Luke's ass when he told me about you and what's her name."

He laughs. I think he wants to ask more, but like he said, sometimes you just don't want to know or think about it. Even when you have that perverse desire to find out anyways.

"You love him?" he asks.

Shit, I was prepared for him to quiz me on whether or not Jason and I are sleeping together, but I didn't expect him to ask this. "We have never said that," I tell him, very evasively.

"That wasn't what I asked," he points out with a small smile.

I nod. "I know. And I don't know. It's too soon, Nathan. I like him – a lot. He's a nice guy, and he's really great to me. But then I see you tonight, and I feel like I'm thrown back in time, so I don't know what's real and what isn't anymore."

We just keep walking along, almost to my car. "You don't," he says.

"Don't what?" I reply, having got off track from the original comment.

"Don't love him. If you did, you'd know it and you would've told me. I know you, Haley J, and you wouldn't lie to me about that."

I think about it for a minute. He's probably right, but the thing is, that doesn't mean I won't love Jason at some point. Not all love has to be like mine and Nathan's, which was basically fast, furious, and unstoppable.

I tell him this. "It doesn't mean I won't, though."

He nods. "Yeah, I know. Don't like it, but I do know."

"I'm impressed," I tell him in surprise. "You're not yelling at me, we aren't having the same argument we've had fifty-six times. What's going on here?"

"Maybe we're growing up."

I nod. "Guess so."

We reach the car, and get in. I pull up in front of his hotel and he leans over to kiss my cheek. His lips linger there, and I can't stand it, so I turn my lips to his and kiss him with everything I have, everything I ever felt for him.

"What was that for?" he asks when we finally separate.

"Old time's sake?" I shrug, "I don't know, it just felt like something I had to do."

He nods. "Well, I'm not complaining." He glances at his watch. "Shit, I gotta go, baby. I wish I could stay with you for- well, I wish I could stay longer. Um, maybe I'll call you soon, and we can talk about rethinking that contact ban? I miss you too much for that, okay?"

I burst into tears, embarrassingly enough. "I miss you, too."

He looks shell-shocked by my tears, which, if I wasn't crying so hard, I would probably find vastly amusing. "Hey, it'll be okay, Haley." He hugs me, brushing his hands through my hair. "Shh, Haley J, it'll be okay, baby."

I nod, pulling away and wiping off my cheeks. "I know. It'll be okay. It's just that every time you leave, it feels like the first time all over again. I hate that," I sigh.

"I love you, too," he smiles as he gets out of the car. "You take care of yourself, and just – if you need anything, call me, okay? Any time."

I nod, waving to him as he walks away. I drive to a 7-11 parking lot that is about a block away, and park there. The tears are about to flow, and I don't want to be driving for that. There is just this crushing sense of being overwhelmed by Nathan, Jason, everything.

How can things be so clear one day and so convoluted the next?


	9. Human Touch

**Chapter Nine – _Human Touch_**  
  
_'I ain't lookin' for praise or pity  
I ain't comin' 'round searchin' for a crutch  
I just want someone to talk to  
And a little of that Human Touch  
Just a little of that Human Touch'_ - Bruce Springsteen  
  
Thanksgiving 2007  
  
God, I'm nervous. It's been a long time since I was this nervous about anything, but here I am, practically shaking like a leaf with nerves. This is just ridiculous, too. I'm 19 years old, and I'm freaking out over meeting the parents of my boyfriend. Of course, it isn't just the parents. It's the grandparents, sisters, and a few aunts and uncles and cousins, but at least I already know and like Tim's family. That's something, I guess.  
  
But I am also feeling like a traitor. Since I was about 8 and my sister who is closest in age to me moved out, I've spent Thanksgiving with Luke, Karen, and Keith. It is already feeling weird that I'm not at the café helping Karen set things up, but instead am in Jason's car on the way to his parent's house.  
  
And then there is the stuff with Nathan from last week. I'm still confused over all of that. He's been on my mind a lot more in the last week than he'd been in the last three months. Seeing him really brought a lot of stuff back, a lot of stuff I'd thought that I was over. I'm not sure what this all means.  
  
"You're quiet," Jason comments as we pass an "Entering Raleigh" sign.  
  
I smile at him. "I'm sorry, I know I haven't been good car company."  
  
"You're not nervous, are you?"  
  
He can read me really well considering we've known each other less than a year. I know he's sensed that I've been preoccupied since I saw Nathan, but he's given me my space on that one. "I am a little nervous. Is that so bad?" I laugh.  
  
"It isn't bad. I was just going to promise you that you don't need to be. They'll love you, Hale," he smiles reassuringly.  
  
"Thank you. I'll try not to be so nervous. It's just – I'm so new at all this dating stuff," I laugh.  
  
"Well, surely you can remember back to meeting Nathan's parents, right? I'm sure that went fine."  
  
I groan. "Oh, God. Well, I met his parents before we started dating, and his mom was nice to me, but his father hated me. He really hated me when Nathan started putting me ahead of basketball. And now he's giving me great deals on cars," I laugh, "The whole dynamic with the Scott family is messed up. There are truly no words for it."  
  
"Well, then my family should be a piece of cake in comparison. We're frighteningly normal and boring," he sighs, "Poor Brooke is probably going to go out of her mind with boredom."  
  
I laugh, contradicting, "No, she's got Tim to fight with. That keeps them entertained for hours."  
  
"Good point." He pulls into the driveway of an adorable ranch style house. "So, this is it, my parent's house."  
  
"Do you still think of it as home?" I ask, curious about how I'll feel about my house when I leave it.  
  
He shrugs. "When I'm here, yeah, but when I'm at school, that is home. My first year I always wanted to come home. But after awhile, it's not the same, and you realize your life is somewhere else."  
  
I laugh, "I think I feel that way already."  
  
"You're ready to get away from home?"  
  
I shrug. "I don't know, it's weird – I shouldn't be, right? I mean, my parents are rarely home, so I have all the freedom in the world. Plus, it's free, which is a huge bonus. I don't know, I guess I just know that it isn't where I'm meant to be, and in a way, it holds me down, being there."  
  
He leans over and kisses me. "Maybe you'll have to stay with me more often," he suggests between kisses.  
  
I kiss him back, willing myself to relax, knowing that in a few minutes I'll be meeting his family. "Maybe I will," I answer, softly, leaning back in my seat.  
  
"You ready to go in?" he asks with a smile.  
  
"Yeah, let's go," I tell him.  
  
We're staying overnight, so we have bags in the trunk, which we get out. We're almost up to the door when it flies open and girl taller than me flies out and jumps onto Jason. I step back in surprise, smiling as he hugs her back.  
  
"Hey, Riss," he laughs, "Mind not strangling me?"  
  
She untangles herself from him, stepping back and stares at me. "Jason," she whines, elbowing him in the ribs, "Aren't you going to introduce us?"  
  
I smile at her as Jason comes over to put his arm around me. "Marissa, this is Haley, my girlfriend. Hale, this is Marissa, the baby of the family. The baby that acts like it, too," he teases her.  
  
"Shut up, Jay-Jay," she says crossly, in that way only siblings can. It sort of makes me wish I had siblings closer to my age, but Lucas comes closest to filling that void in my life. "It's nice to meet you, Haley," she grins at me, kindly, but also shrewdly as if she is assessing my worth, "I hope my brother treats you better than he treats me."  
  
I laugh a little, some of my nervousness abated. "If he doesn't, will you kick his butt?" I ask, winking at her.  
  
"Sure, I might only be 15, but I'm tall," she grins proudly.  
  
"It's nice that you two can already talk about me like I'm not here," Jason sighs, but I can tell he's relieved things are going well so far. "Ready to go meet everyone else?" he asks me.  
  
"So that we can teach her the truly fine art of ganging up on you, Jason?" Marissa asks, smiling at me. I smile back at her as she comes over and links arms with me. "Don't worry, Jason can handle the bags."  
  
"I'll get you, Riss," he calls after us as she drags me along with her into the house.   
  
"Now you can meet my mom," she tells me enthusiastically, "And how long have you known Jay-Jay? Oh, and how did you meet? Has he told you how much he likes you? He always tells us that when he calls. I hope he tells you, too."  
  
This girl is too much – in a good way, though. "Well, I've known him since Valentine's Day, and we met at a party at his fraternity. I guess he probably told you I'm friends with Tim?"  
  
"Oh, yeah, he told us that. Did you know Tim is bringing his girlfriend?"  
  
If I had had something in my mouth, I probably would've spit it out. "Uh, Tim has a girlfriend?"  
  
"You must not be a very good friend with him if you don't know that," she comments, "Yeah, I think her name is Brenda or Briane or something like that. They just started going out recently."  
  
"Would that be Brooke?"  
  
"Yeah, Brooke! Do you know her, too? What's she like?"  
  
"Yeah, I know her, I just didn't know that she and Tim are, uh, dating." What the hell is going on here? This is just getting weird.  
  
"Come on, you can meet Mom and Lolly first, they're in the kitchen. No one else has got here yet." Damn, I was kind of hoping Brooke and Tim were here, even though I knew they weren't since Brooke's car isn't here.  
  
"Sure, let's go," I agree, smiling. God, his mom. This is going to be the tough one. Dad's usually like their son's girlfriends, right?  
  
"Mom!" she screams, "Haley is here!"  
  
"Marissa Jean Smith," a calm voice answers back, "You do not need to scream at me, my hearing is still perfectly fine."  
  
Marissa sighs impatiently tugging on my arm to follow her. "She's always yelling at me," she says with a roll of her eyes, "Can I help it if I'm the loud one?"  
  
"I guess not," I smile.  
  
An older woman, who I think it is safe to assume is Jason's mom, comes out into the hallway. She grins at me, and her smile reminds me of Jason's.  
  
"Hi, you must be Haley. I'm Gina, Jason's mom. Please don't tell me that my son abandoned you to the mercy of this one," she says, indicating Marissa.  
  
"Mom, he's getting their bags in."  
  
Gina holds her hand out for me to shake. I smile at her, cursing myself because I know it is a shy one. "It's nice to meet you also."  
  
"I'm sure my youngest has been talking your ear off already," she winks. Marissa huffs at her mother, rolling her eyes. "Would you like to keep me company in the kitchen? Lola is in there struggling to get the pie crust right, and I know she's anxious to meet you."  
  
"I'd love to," I reply, feeling more at ease now.  
  
"Hey Mom?" Marissa calls as Gina starts to lead me down the hall to the kitchen.  
  
"What, Riss?"  
  
She grins, mischievously. "Jason put Haley's bag in his room with his bags. I think he thinks she can sleep in there tonight."  
  
Oh. My. God. Could this get any more embarrassing? Gina sighs, hands on her hips. "You know, young lady, that there is absolutely no reason to tattle on your brother, and there is even less reason to try and embarrass his girlfriend. You can apologize now."  
  
Marissa looks at me apologetically. "I'm sorry. I'd be embarrassed to sleep with Jason, too," she grins before turning to walk off.  
  
"You know, that child has caused all these gray hairs," Gina laments, "I swear, if she wasn't my own child..."  
  
"She seems like fun," I offer.  
  
"Oh, you don't have to say that to impress me or anything. Believe me, I am well aware of each of my children's shortcomings. And Riss's are that she's a trouble maker who doesn't think before she speaks."  
  
I'm almost tempted to ask what she thinks Jason's are, but I can't quite bring myself to be that cheeky. So instead I say, "Well, all of my siblings are a lot older than me, so it's kind of nice to – well, it's just nice."  
  
She looks at me, and I feel in that instant like she can see through me, like she understands me. Oddly enough, it doesn't unnerve like I'd have figured it would.  
  
"I was an only child, and I never understood why my friends lamented having siblings. The noise and the bustle of the houses with lots of kids were always very appealing to me."  
  
I nod, suddenly understanding. I've lived nearly my whole life in a form of solitude, in some ways. I never really spent time with more than four other people at once, so I never got that busy, crazy sense a household can have. I think I was missing out on something, even when Lucas and Karen were giving me everything.  
  
We walk into the kitchen. "And this one is Lola," Gina introduces, "Lol, this is Haley."  
  
"Hi!" she grins, waving a flour-covered hand at me, "It's nice to meet you! Jason has told us a lot about you. Oh, all good, don't worry."  
  
"Well, he's told me a lot of good stuff about all of you, so the pleasure is all mine." Lola is 19, so she and I probably have a lot in common, and I'd definitely like to get to know her better. "Is there anything I can do to help?" I ask.  
  
"Oh, no, you're a guest, you don't need to help," Gina smiles, "Thank you, though."  
  
"Are you sure? I work in a café, so all this stuff is old hat to me. I actually like doing this kind of stuff," I tell her.  
  
"Oh, yes, Jay mentioned that you work in a café. Your best friend's mom, I think he said?" I'm going to have to get used to them calling him Jay instead of Jase or Jason.  
  
"Oh, yeah. Actually, she's as much my mom as his in some ways, I've known them so long."  
  
"Is your best friend cute?" Lola asks, grinning.  
  
I crinkle up my nose, causing them both to laugh. "No, he's cute, it's just – it's Luke. I can't think of him like that," I laugh with them, "He's practically my brother."  
  
"Ew," laughs Lola, "Sorry, but that's what I think about Jay."  
  
"I think Jay is very handsome," Gina defends.  
  
"So do I," I smile. Lola rolls her eyes, but doesn't argue with us.  
  
"Mom?" Jason yells from...well, somewhere, I don't know this house at all. "Hey, Mom?"  
  
Gina sighs, "I swear, these children think I'm deaf. It is just ridiculous."  
  
He comes jogging in the kitchen. "There you are!" He puts his arm around me, and I instinctively lean against him. "I was afraid they were showing you baby pictures or something. Or worse, my pictures from the 'awkward years'."  
  
"Those are for later," Lola teases as he walks over to hug her, "There is this great one of him before he got braces. Oh, he had the worst teeth ever, didn't you, Asswipe?"  
  
"No worse than you, Freak Face."  
  
"Kids," Gina sighs, and they both burst out laughing. I look back and forth between them in confusion. Gina takes pity on me, explaining, "They always do this. I'm pretty sure it is more to annoy me than each other now, too."  
  
Jason moves back behind me, wrapping his arms around my shoulders. "Just 90 of it, Mom. I still like to bug Lols, too," he says with a laugh. Lola glares at him over my shoulder. He kisses my cheek. "Lols is insane, don't listen to her at all."  
  
"Shut up, Jay-Jay," she laughs, "You're such a brat, I only see you every four or five months, and you have to act like we're ten again."  
  
"Like you do so much better!"  
  
"Maybe I should be glad my siblings were so much older," I joke.  
  
Gina nods. "You have no idea," she laughs. "Now, Lola, get back to your pie. I'm going to need that oven soon, so you need to get it in and out of there."  
  
"What can I do?" I ask again, determined not to stand around and not help while I'm here, no matter how much they insist I'm a guest.  
  
"Hale, you're my guest, you don't have to help," Jason says, "Besides, I haven't given you the tour."  
  
"He just wants to show you his bed," Marissa says as she walks into the kitchen, "We all know that's what he was thinking."  
  
I can't help but laugh as Jason blushes deep red. "I would love to help," I reiterate, smiling gratefully at Lola when she hands me an apple and a peeler. "Thank you."  
  
"Hey, anything to throw a crimp in Jay's plans is good for me," she quips. He shakes his head, walking out of the room, mumbling something under his breath about 'women all being the same'.  
  
"So, what are you going to school for?" I ask, curious, "Jase told me you were at Yale, but he never said what you were studying."  
  
"Well, I'm in the general business program now, but I'll be attempting to pick something more focused before this year is out. I was thinking accounting, but then I'd probably have to buy pocket protectors, which would suck because I have no shirts with pockets." She slices up the apple I finished peeling. "And what about you? When Jason talks about you – which is a lot, by the way – it's usually about what you guys did over the weekend, or what you will be doing, or how sweet you are. I don't really know much about you, actually."  
  
"Maybe I'm just terribly boring," I laugh. She rolls her eyes laughing, too. "Seriously, though, I'm getting my AA from Tree Hill CC this spring, and then I'm hoping to go to Duke and major in interior design. Maybe minor in architecture, if possible."  
  
"Wow, really? Interior design always seemed fun, but I don't have a knack for that kind of thing."  
  
I smile. "Well, it's kind of a secret passion of mine. When I was little, I'd draw up floor plans or decorate my Barbie's rooms instead of playing with them. I was such a dork," I laugh.  
  
"That sounds fun. I was always Jay's little follower, so I'd chase him through the neighborhood skinning my knees and wrecking my dresses. My mom hated it."  
  
"I didn't hate it, it just annoyed me that every time I bought you a new dress, you'd wreck it the next day," Gina counters from her spot at the stove.  
  
"She hated it," Lola whispers. "Anyways, that was my life, chasing Jay around. I didn't have any friends of my own until high school."  
  
"Well, I only had one friend until high school. Okay, that's not true, exactly, but only one that really mattered."  
  
"The hot one," she smiles, "Lucas."  
  
I laugh, "Yeah, Lucas. One of my best friends since I can remember."  
  
"Like a brother, though."  
  
"Right," I confirm.  
  
"But now you're friends with Tim?"  
  
"Yup," I smile, "Tim is pretty awesome once you get to know him."  
  
"He's a dumbshit," she says matter of factly, "But he's a good guy. And I guess he's only dumb when he wants to be."  
  
"Don't call your cousin a dumbshit," Gina says, probably more out of motherly habit than anything else.  
  
I laugh again. "He's great, a really wonderful friend."  
  
"So, what about this girlfriend of his? I hear he's been bragging so much about her that she must be a Victoria's Secret model who graduated from Harvard with a 4.0 in six different majors. Simultaneously."  
  
"I know nothing about this," I sigh, confused. What the hell is going on? "I – I know nothing."  
  
"Huh. Well, I guess we'll find out soon enough, huh?"  
  
I nod. "Yeah, guess so."  
  
"So, what else should I know about you? Do you like shopping? What were you like in high school? Any skeletons in the closet I should be concerned about? When are you going to hook me up with your hot best friend?"  
  
"Let's see," I grin, having fun with her, "I love shopping when it's done right, I was kind of a geek in high school until Luke joined the basketball team and we made new friends, I have no skeletons in my closet, but I do have several old Cabbage Patch Kids tossed back there, and he has a girlfriend and he lives in Michigan for school, but as soon as they break up, I'll hook you up."  
  
"You're good," she grins. "So, how did Luke joining the basketball team make you new friends?"  
  
"You ask too many questions, Lollie," Gina sighs.  
  
I smile. "It's okay, it's fun." I turn back to Lola. "When Luke joined the team, it was basically just me and him. Joined at the hip, did everything together or with his mom and uncle, who were like my parents. Then basketball came calling, and Luke got involved with that. He got to know his brother and they became friends, and then the three of us and two other people kind of formed this tight group."  
  
"This is confusing," Gina comments, laughing, "Got to know his brother? How did that work?"  
  
I laugh. "I shouldn't have started this story – it is very odd," I admit, "But basically, they have the same dad, but he only claimed Nathan, Luke's brother. And their dad, well, he used to be a real jerk, and he trained Nate to hate Luke. Somehow, they got past it, and are best friends now."  
  
"Wow," Lola breathes in awe, "That is messed up. And I thought our family was weird."  
  
"It is a pretty messed up family," I laugh, "And now, Luke's mom is dating their dad's brother. They have a baby together, even."  
  
"It's like a soap opera," Gina smiles.  
  
"Better than any of the ones I watch!" Lola enthuses, "Seriously, when can I meet these people?"  
  
"Well, Luke is on the basketball team at Michigan, so he isn't around very often. But if you're ever in Tree Hill or Durham at the same time, I'll be sure to introduce you."  
  
"What about his brother? You can introduce me to him, too!"  
  
Like hell I can. "He's at UConn."  
  
"Wow, that's close to Yale," she points out. "Well, close enough, at least. Does he play basketball, too?"  
  
I nod. "He does indeed. He's averaging 12.4 minutes of play time this season," I brag, mentally kicking myself for opening my big mouth.  
  
"That's cool," Lola comments idly. I hope that neither she nor Gina read too much into that comment.  
  
"How come you don't already have a ton of boyfriends?" I ask, genuinely surprised. She's a very pretty girl, and she's obviously smart and she seems fun – it makes no sense.  
  
"Actually I do," she admits, causing me to laugh, "I'm just really boy-crazy; it's an affliction, I think."  
  
I keep laughing. "Wow, well, that's cool. How long have you been together?"  
  
"Since high school," she smiles, and my interest in this conversation becomes even more acute, "He's going to Cal Berkeley for school, so he's really far away, but we're making it work."  
  
Damn, that is just mind boggling. "That's so far, how do you do it?" I hand her another apple I've finished peeling.  
  
"I don't know, it's hard. But I love him, and can't imagine my life without him, so we're sticking it out. I'm flying out there tomorrow to see him for a few days," she smiles.  
  
"That's great. You guys must have a really strong connection if you can make a long distance relationship work," I tell her.  
  
"You have no idea," she laughs. Except maybe I do. No, I can't think of that now. "I don't know, Matt and I just have - well, we have great sex, that's definitely a consideration."  
  
Gina drops the spatula she was holding, and Lola and I jump when it clatters against the wood floor. "Damn it, Lol, do you have to do that?"  
  
"Oh, Mom, yes I do. It's too fun, you know," she giggles, turning to me. "Don't you love pulling stuff like that on your mom?"  
  
I shrug. "My parents aren't around much, actually. And instead of dropping a utensil, my mom would probably drop to the floor herself," I smile. "But Luke and I used to make sex jokes around his mom, just to see how dark a shade of purple her face would turn."  
  
Lola puts her arm around my shoulder. "Ah, my kind of people. That's awesome. My best friend from high school and I would repeat body part names over and over with her mom – total church type, embarrassed if you said 'penis' in front of her, so we did, and loudly. In restaurants. Damn, that was fun," she laughs.  
  
"Lola Meredith," Gina scolds, "That was a terrible thing to do to that poor woman. She was mousy and timid enough as it was."  
  
"Lighten up, Mom."  
  
Gina ignores her, turning to me. "Would you mind telling us more about Jay and you? You know how males are; they tend to brush over the details and skip the interesting bits."  
  
"Well, of course. What would you like to know?"  
  
"Why don't you start with how you met and how you started dating? I know it was on Valentine's Day, but that's pretty much all I know."  
  
"Sure. Let's see, Tim invited Brooke and I to the Valentine's Day party at Jason's fraternity. He and I chatted for awhile until Tim – well, he did something stupid that kind of ended the night. And after that, Jason kept asking me out through Tim until I finally said yes. I guess the rest is history, as they say."  
  
"He always was a persistent one," Gina smiles.  
  
"It's very impressive, his persistence," I laugh, "I'd have given up on me way before then."  
  
"What took you so long to say yes?" Lola asks.  
  
"I wasn't ready to start dating anyone. Messy break-up after high school. I'm glad Jason stayed after me, though, waited me out."  
  
"What was your first date like?" Lola asks. Gina looks interested in the answer, too.  
  
I smile – I can't help but do that when I think how much fun that date was. "We flew kites on the beach."  
  
"No kidding? Wow, my brother is kind of interesting after all," Lola marvels, "That's pretty cool."  
  
"Yeah, it was special," I concur, blushing. "We've had a lot of good times together," I tell them, skipping details purposely.  
  
We finish the preparing the pie and stick it in the oven, and Gina shoos us out of the kitchen. "Come on, we'll find Jay, and he can take you on the oh-so-exciting tour of the house. He's probably going into withdrawals since he hasn't seen you in the last twenty minutes," she smiles.  
  
It is freaking me out that they are all telling me how into me Jason is. I mean, I know how he feels about me, and I feel the same about him. The only problem is that I might feel more for someone else. But I shouldn't think about that now.  
  
"He's not that bad," I smile, laughing with her.  
  
"To you!" she exclaims, "But I'm serious, he talks about you an awful lot. He really likes you. It has been so long since he was like this over a girl."  
  
Now she's piqued my curiosity. "When was the last time? Or should I say who was the last time?"  
  
A pained look crosses her face. "It was a long time; it ended when they graduated high school. Maybe that was just an infatuation thing, though," she sighs.  
  
I nod, not pushing her for more even though I sense that there is a lot more to this story.  
  
"Anyways, here's his room," she says, pushing the door open. "Thank God you have clothes on," she laughs, as he looks up at us. "You're allowed to have your girlfriend back now," she teases him.  
  
"Thanks Lols, you freak." He throws the towel he was holding at her as she ducks out of the room. I step close to him, wrapping my arms around his neck. I pull him down and kiss him hotly. "Well, hello," he grins against my lips.  
  
"Hey, I hear you give great tours of this place," I tell him, pulling back to smile up at him.  
  
"I can give you one helluva tour of my bed right now, if you'd like," he grins lasciviously.  
  
I laugh, poking him in the ribs. "Knock it off, your family is here. And the door is open!" I exclaim pointedly.  
  
He breaks away from me, moving over to shut it. After it is shut and locked, he grabs my hand and pulls me down on the bed with him. "Now this is more like it," he smiles, "How was cooking with Mom and Lols?"  
  
"It was nice," I smile, "They seem really great."  
  
"As great as me?" he prods, his eyes laughing.  
  
"Mmm, 50 better," I tease him, kissing the corner of his mouth when he pouts. "Turn that frown upside down," I quip, kissing the other corner.  
  
He moves so he's laying half on top of me, and I rub my legs against him in response. "I can never frown around you," he murmurs as he kisses my neck. His hands creep between us as he begins to unbutton my blouse, kissing the skin he reveals with each button.  
  
"Jaaason," I moan, "We can't do this. Your family is out there, and oh!" He cuts me off when his hands slides under my shirt and then under my bra. "Jason," I sigh, wrapping my legs around his waist.  
  
"God, Hale," he pants, looking up at me, "You're killing me here." I reach and down and pull his shirt off, completely lost in the moment. He reciprocates, pulling my shirt over my head before reaching around and unhooking my bra, kissing down my stomach.  
  
A loud, booming knock sounds in the room, startling the hell out of me. In my surprise, I knee Jason in the chin. He groans in pain.  
  
"Jay-Jay, I know you're in there," Marissa calls coyly through the door, "I saw Haley go in and you shut the door, you can't deny it!"  
  
"Jason, are you okay?" I ask urgently, forgetting I'm completely topless in my concern. He's already bruising a little, and it'll only get worse. "God, honey, I'm so sorry."  
  
He looks up at me, smiling. "You called me 'honey'."  
  
I blink at him in surprise. "Yeah, I did," I say slowly, "But your jaw is bruising, and you're thinking about me calling you 'honey'?"  
  
"It doesn't hurt that much, baby," he grins, reaching for me. When he touches bare skin, I dance away from him, remembering the reason that his jaw is bruising and frantically search for my shirt and bra.  
  
He laughs, pulling his shirt back on. "Hale, its okay. I think my family is aware that at the very least I'd be doing everything I can to get in your cute pants. Don't worry about it."  
  
I roll my eyes at him. "We're still not doing it here. Especially now that we've had an injury."  
  
He just grins at me audaciously. "You're no fun," he laughs, "Here, put this on." He tosses me a sweatshirt, which I pull on after hooking my bra back up.  
  
"Have you ever had sex here?" I ask, curious.  
  
He blushes, which is cute. Maybe I should be jealous, but for whatever reason, I'm not. "Uh, yeah," he mumbles, "A couple of times. But it was different."  
  
"Different how?" I ask, crinkling my nose as I think of the possibilities.  
  
He laughs. "God, not like that. I don't know, it was high school, and it was more of 'let's do this for the sake of doing it' rather than doing it because I want you that bad and can't keep my hands off of you. And I just – I want to be as close to you as possible."  
  
It's my turn to laugh. "Yeah, well, for the next two days, it is hands to yourself. Seriously, this is embarrassing and you have a bruise!"  
  
He shakes his head. "I promise, it barely hurts."  
  
I gently lay my hand against his jaw, turning his head so I can see better. "Honey, it's purple. Like, really purple. God, what are we going to tell your family?"  
  
He smirks, "Well, we could always tell them the truth – that I had you damn near undressed and was working my way down – "  
  
I clap my hand over his mouth gently. "You wouldn't dare," I laugh, leaning up to softly kiss his jaw. "I'm sorry I bruised you, honey."  
  
"Me, too," he grins ruefully, "I'm guessing I'd have a better chance of talking you around if you hadn't."  
  
I shake my head. "Oh, no. We can chalk what happened earlier up to temporary insanity because there is no way that I'd consider having sex in your parent's house with you under normal circumstances."  
  
I'm fiddling with the sweatshirt he tossed me, making sure I'm all in order before we go out there. "You look fine, baby," he smiles, "Come on, let's go get some ice for my jaw."  
  
I groan, again feeling awful. "When that thing turns black and green and blue to go along with the purple, I'm going to feel really bad," I sigh. He wraps an arm around my shoulders, kissing my forehead.  
  
"I promise you it doesn't hurt that much," he laughs, leading me into the hallway. He leads me into the kitchen where we can hear Gina and Lola discussing what kinds of potatoes to make.  
  
I'm blushing furiously as we walk in, and Jason just has this big grin on his face. I can't believe this – I am embarrassed beyond belief and he's taking all of this in stride. Must be a guy thing.  
  
"Jay! What happened to your jaw?" Lola asks, looking at me knowingly.  
  
"Eh, not much, just bumped it," he offers, "It barely even hurts." He squeezes my hand when he says that. "Just came to get some ice. I'm trying to talk Hale into playing nurse for me." If possible, my face just got hotter.  
  
"Jason," I sigh, shaking my head, "Are you trying to embarrass me?"  
  
"I'm just teasing you, they know that." Gina and Lola both smile kindly at me, although Lola still has that knowing look on her face.  
  
"Just smack him, Haley, that's what I always do when he teases me. Although, judging by his jaw, you might have already," she laughs.  
  
I laugh, too, shaking my head. "He wishes that's how he got it," I tell her, knowing its true – he still thinks if we hadn't been interrupted, he'd have a chance tonight.  
  
"So 'fess up," Gina grins, winking at me, "How exactly did you injure yourself, Jason?"  
  
I'm beginning to think that they are far more interested in embarrassing him than they are worrying about what he and I were doing, and that is something that I am perfectly fine with. In fact, that is something that I could have a lot of fun joining in with, actually.  
  
"Yeah, Jason, tell them the story," I grin, knowing he'd never sell me out on this one, "It's really interesting."  
  
He pinches me lightly on the shoulder, and I just smile up at him. "Oh, I, ah, just tripped," he sighs, looking trapped. I feel a little bad about teasing him like this, but he knows I can't resist him, so maybe this will stop him from trying and save both of us the embarrassment of further injury.  
  
"Tripped on what?" Gina asks, playing it oh-so-innocent, "Your room is clean, unless you've already managed to throw stuff all over the floor. And I know you're not klutzy; you can stay on your feet no matter. And what did you hit it on?"  
  
Lola looks like she is going to explode with laughter, and Jase is fidgeting nervously beside me. "I tripped on my bag, Mom," he sighs, "And I caught my chin on – on the desk chair. Is their anything else you'd like to know?"  
  
"Oh, I know, I am thinking that I already know more than I need to, so you can go do whatever it is you were going to do."  
  
He grabs my arm and pulls me out of the kitchen with him. I wave goodbye to Lola and Gina, laughing at his eagerness to get out of there.  
  
"Jason, I'm sorry I teased you," I tell him, not that sorry at all. He pouts at me a little before shrugging. "You know, I'm not sorry. It was fun," I grin.  
  
"Yeah, I knew you liked it," he smiles, "Now come on, I'll finally give you that tour, and not just of my bed this time."  
  
"You're on." I place my hand in his and he shows me all over his house. We chat with Marissa in her room for a bit. By the time we get back to the kitchen, car doors are slamming in the driveway along with muffled shouts.  
  
I look over at Jason, who sighs, "Brooke and Tim."  
  
"Yep, who else could it be?" I laugh. "Should we hide or go see what they're fighting about now?"  
  
"Huh, well, according to Riss they're dating, so I'm sure that could be a fight waiting to happen."  
  
I shake my head. "I – I don't know what's going on, I'm just the best friend," I shrug. "Come on, let's go see them."  
  
We walk out the front door to find Brooke yelling at Tim. "Gonna be one of those weekends," Jason sighs, knowing the dynamic between these two well-enough to predict how things will go.  
  
"Tutor Girl!" Brooke greets, stepping over some bags to hug me, "How are you, have you christened his bedroom yet?" I blush and she notices the bruise on Jase's face. "I see you have, very nice."  
  
I hug her back. "His sister interrupted us by banging on his door, and I kneed him in the jaw." She laughs. "But that'll teach him – it's weird knowing his parents are nearby."  
  
"Come on," she smiles, linking arms with me, "We're taking a quick walk. I want to hear all about this."  
  
"Fine, I have a few things I'd like to ask you, too," I inform her.  
  
We start walking, only long enough to tell the guys where we're going and for me to give Tim a quick hug.  
  
"What the hell is going on with you and Tim?" I demand, "Jason's whole family thinks you two are dating, which has put Jason and I in the uncomfortable spot of lying to them!"  
  
"Please, uncomfortable? I bet you were plenty comfortable lying to them about how Jason got that shiner on his jaw."  
  
"Brooke, they aren't stupid, they knew how he got it. His mom and his sister just had some fun torturing him by asking what happened. Totally different from whatever the hell you and Tim have cooked up." I sigh, "God, you two aren't really dating are you? Because you know I love you both, and I want you both to be happy, but there is just no way in hell that it could ever work between you two."  
  
She laughs. "Ugh, like I'd date him. Please, Hales. Look, apparently he has some relatives that bug him every time he sees them about meeting and dating an acceptable girl. So, for the next couple of days, I'll be that girl so his grandfather and an uncle or something can't harass him. See, I can be a good friend," she sighs, sounding defensive.  
  
"I know you can be a good friend," I tell her, hugging her, "But do you really think faking this with him is such a great idea?"  
  
She just laughs. "Oh, hell no, this is going nowhere good, I think we all know that. But he was just so damn insistent, and he laid all this 'you're one of my best friends, and friends help each other' crap on me, so I couldn't say no, It was awful."  
  
I laugh. "Come on, let's get back to the house. You'll like everyone."  
  
"Nathan and Luke play each other tonight; we gonna watch?" she asks.  
  
I sigh. "I don't know."  
  
"You want to," she asserts, "So why do you fight it?"  
  
"Because what am I supposed to do now? It'd be too weird to watch it here, you know what I mean?"  
  
She raises an eyebrow, "Because of Jason? But you were going to go to Nathan's game with him; you said the only reason you couldn't was because you owed it to Nathan to sit in his section. Has something changed?"  
  
"It's not about Jason. He knows the history, and he's so damn understanding about things anyways."  
  
"Jesus, you say that like it's a bad thing or something."  
  
"No, no, it isn't. Not at all. And it's not even about watching with him – it's about watching with his whole family around. It'll just be too weird. I know Karen and Deb will both be taping the games even though they are there, so I'll just watch those when we get back to Tree Hill."  
  
"Well, that's a stupid reason if you ask me," she laughs, as we walk back up the driveway to where Jason and Tim are playing basketball, having moved the cars out of the way. Lola and Marissa are playing with them.  
  
"Well, what do we have here?" Brooke coos, pretending to ogle Tim. They stop playing their game when they see us.  
  
Tim grimaces but covers it with a smile. "Riss, Lol, this is Brooke, my girlfriend. Brookie, this is Riss," he says pointing to the younger girl, "And this is Lola."  
  
"Nice to meet you both," Brooke smiles. They both greet her with wide smiles. Looks like they may have found someone else to bug for juicy gossip. Of course, only problem being with Brooke is that she's liable to only give up gossip on me.  
  
I walk over to Jason, snaking my arms around his waist from behind. "Hey baby," he says, and I can hear the smile in his voice. "You and Brooke going to join our game?"  
  
Tim cracks up. "You know Haley sucks at basketball, right?"  
  
"Hey!" I protest.  
  
Jason wonders, "How bad could she possibly be?"  
  
Tim and Brooke both laugh. "Come on, let's play and find out." I groan, not wanting to do this, knowing I will be unquestionably the worst player on the court. I shake my head, about to argue, when Lola tosses the ball at me. I yelp, holding up my hands to block it. Everyone laughs.  
  
"If you guys are going to laugh, I'm not playing!" I pout, embarrassed.  
  
"It is incredible you suck this much," Tim laments, "I mean, your best friend and your ex – uh, your ex – uh, friend are both on college teams now."  
  
I glare at him, pissed he'd bring that up. Jason steps back to me, handing me the ball. I smile softly at him. "She isn't that bad," Jason defends, "Besides, maybe she's a crack shot."  
  
Brooke and Tim both have the nerve to laugh again. "She does great granny shots," Brooke announces.  
  
"How do you possibly know that?" I ask, confused, but starting to laugh, too.  
  
"Because, for like those four weeks that I dated Luke way back in the Stone Age," she begins, "He and I were going to the River Court, and when we showed up, you were already there with Nate. Of course, that was when Nate and Luke hated each other, so we didn't stay. Anyways, he was trying to teach you to shoot, which I thought was funny since he was the scorer, not you." She laughs at her own joke.  
  
"Hey, I'll have you know my granny shot record is pretty damn good!" I laugh, choosing to ignore that she, too, had to bring Nathan up in conversation. I toss the ball up, granny style, and it goes in. "Nothing but net," I smile.  
  
"Well, at least she picked up the jargon," Tim sighs. I smack him on the arm. "Ow, James, watch the arm, alright?"  
  
"When you quit being an ass," I smile sweetly at him. He glowers until I pat him on the arm and promise not to hit him anymore.  
  
"Yeah, that's my job," Brooke grins.  
  
Oh, boy.  
  
Thanksgiving dinner goes off without a hitch, miraculously, and everyone came out of a rousing game of Trivial Pursuit unscathed as well. Now the house is mostly quiet as everyone except Tim, Lola, Marissa, Jason, their cousins Matt and Jenna, Brooke and I are upstairs playing a boring card game. Instead, we are in the basement TV room fighting over what to watch.  
  
Brooke and Tim are fighting over the remote, and everyone except Jason and I are yelling at them one way or the other, trying to make their opinions heard.  
  
"Hey!" Jason yells, "Give me the damn thing." He takes it, whispering in my ear, "Want to watch the game?"  
  
"No, I'll watch it later," I smile at him, "I know Karen will have taped it. We can watch a movie or something now."  
  
He rolls his eyes at me, knowing that I do want to watch it. "Brooke?" he calls, looking over where she and Tim are still arguing like children.  
  
"Yeah?" she asks, looking up.  
  
"Does Haley want to watch her friends' basketball game?"  
  
Brooke grins. "Yeah, she does. And so do I, some of those guys on Nathan's team were hot," she enthuses. Tim rolls his eyes, and Lola's head perks up at the mention of hot guys.  
  
"Alright, University of Michigan vs. UConn, here we come!" Tim grins, squeezing me. He flips the channel as he leans down to whisper in my ear. "It's okay, I know you'd rather see it now that wait until tomorrow when we get home."  
  
"Jase, it's fine. I know no one else cares about it at all, so really, I can wait."  
  
He shakes his head. "Hale, they're your friends. I know you want to watch it. Besides, Tim loves basketball, Brooke and Lola love basketball players, and Matt, Jenna, and Riss all play basketball."  
  
"What about you?" I persist, "I know you're a football man."  
  
He pulls me onto his lap. "I don't mind. I can just sit here and tease you, touch you, kiss you. Oh, and uh, if I am remembering right, UConn had some pretty hot cheerleaders."  
  
Tim looks over, grinning. "Hell, yeah they did!" They high five each other over my head.  
  
"Boys," Lola mutters.  
  
"Hey, I wouldn't say that, Lols," Tim scolds, "Weren't you one of the ones drooling over the basketball players?"  
  
"There was no drool involved," she says defensively.  
  
"Okay, okay, let's just watch the game," Brooke moderates. "Oooh, Tutor Girl, think 45 will get much playing time tonight? Jamon Davidson, mmm, he is hot."  
  
The game has already started; it's about five minutes into the first half, and both Nathan and Lucas are still on the bench. Since it is still early in the game, both of them have big smiles on their faces, and I know they're chomping at the bit to play against one another.  
  
Two game minutes longer – which always boggle my mind at how many real minutes they take – Nathan is put in the game. He grins down towards Luke, whose coach motions him up to wait to enter the game. Nate and Luke grin at each other, and the announcers start talking about the connection.  
  
Lola makes the connection that these are the two guys I was talking about earlier in the kitchen. "Those are your friends?" she gasps, "Wow, seriously? If I didn't have a boyfriend, I'd be on them like syrup on a waffle. Wow."  
  
"I slept with the blonde one," Brooke brags.  
  
"And you hate him now," I point out, laughing.  
  
"No, I don't hate him, I just don't like him very much." She sighs at Lola's expectant expression, "He cheated on me with the bitch that was my then-best friend. Who has nothing on Tutor Girl, by the way." She flashes me her brightest Brooke smile.  
  
"Suck up," I hiss, laughing.  
  
"Wow, you guys have like, messed up relationships," Lola decides. "Tell us a story about Haley! Oh, oh! Or Tim!"  
  
Brooke laughs, looking at Tim with an evil glint in her eye. "Oh, Tim. Well, Tim-bo here, he thought he was a real player. Of course, he totally wasn't. Anyway, there was this time we had this date auction. The basketball players all sold themselves. "Tim groans loudly, trying to put his mouth over Brooke's mouth to shut her up. "Anyways," she continues, swatting him away, "I bought the geeky announcer, Haley bought Luke, her best friend, but no one bought Tim. So Nathan's mom bought him."  
  
"I've never heard this story," I comment, wondering where it's going. Tim is blushing furiously.  
  
"Oh, it's great," Brooke assures us with a laugh. I've got one eye on her and the other on the game. Nathan is such a work of art out there. Brooke continues, "So, Deb buys him, right? Anyways, she's all thinking that he can help her out around the house with cleaning and stuff, but Tim thinks she bought him so she could rob the cradle, if you know what I mean." I look up at Tim in surprise, my attention successfully diverted from the game. "So, he strips down to his boxers, ready to have a go at it, when Deb walks in and freaks out. Anyways, it ends up with Dan walking in on them, getting the wrong impression, and yeah. Hilarious."  
  
"Dan walked in on you?" I gape, unable to fathom how he's still alive. Especially since it was old Dan and not new Dan. "And you thought Deb wanted to sleep with you?" I start laughing, hard.  
  
Everyone else is laughing, too, as poor Tim just sits there alternately pouting and gloating. "You guys suck," he mutters. "Oh, hey, look, Luke and Nathan are both in the game now."  
  
My attention is back on the game. God, it is weird to see them out there, playing together again. It's been two years, and they're on different teams, but this is even more of a flashback than the night of Nathan's game against Duke. By accident or on purpose, I don't know, but they've somehow managed to end up guarding one another.  
  
"They look like they're having fun," Tim comments, "I remember when they hated each other. All the shit Nathan pulled on Luke."  
  
"Like you weren't a part of it," Brooke snots, rolling her eyes. Lola demands an explanation on this, and Brooke obliges, but I don't really listen – I'm too focused on the game.  
  
Jason is rubbing his fingers on my arm, and I turn and smile at him. He kisses me. "Your friends are good players."  
  
I nod. "They aren't too bad," I agree, realizing that maybe I shouldn't be watching this right now. Maybe I should tell Jason I want to take a walk and surprise him with sex on a secluded park bench. Maybe I should realize that what I have wrapped around me right now is worth so much more than pining over something I can't have. "Let's get out of here," I whisper to him.  
  
"The game isn't over," he points out, also whispering.  
  
I smile at him. "I know, but I'd rather take a walk with you."  
  
"Yeah? Well, let's – "  
  
"I'm outta here," Lola announces, "I'm going to a club or something."  
  
"You're not 21," Jason points out.  
  
She nods. "So? I've got my ways."  
  
Brooke grins. "I'm so in. Come on, Tim, get your lazy ass up and let's go."  
  
So Brooke, Tim, Lola and Matt head off for a club while Riss and Jenna go upstairs to go to bed, knowing better than to even try to accompany the group on the way to the club. Jason and I take off on our walk, and I virtually forget all about the game. For once, I don't even feel guilty about it – one, I know I can see it later, and two, I'm with my boyfriend, having a good time.  
  
There are no parks nearby, but there is a very deserted school playground I insist we stop at. "What's going on, Hale?" he asks with a smile, obviously not ready to complain about me dragging him out here yet.  
  
"Nothing, I just wanted to have some fun with you, alone."  
  
"Mmhmm, I thought there was a no sex moratorium while we were here." I love how he knows exactly what I'm implying here.  
  
I laugh. "Oh, that was just for your mom's house. This isn't your mom's house, though," I grin as I lead him over to the merry go round. I sit down, laughing as he grabs one of the bars and starts running, spinning me around. He jumps on, crashing down next to me.  
  
"That was easier when I was ten," he grins. "Damn." I lean over him, kissing along the bruise on his jawline.  
  
"I won't injure you this time," I promise with a smile. I unbutton his coat, frowning at the reminder he's wearing a long sleeved shirt under his button down shirt. Sighing, I pull off the coat and button down, and lift the t-shirt over his head. Once it is off, I lean down and trail my lips across his chest. I set to work unbuckling his jeans as he opens up my coat and pulls it off my arms. I shiver when he pulls my t-shirt off and the cool air hits my skin.  
  
"You too cold, baby?" he asks, even as he takes my bra off, pulling me down against him.  
  
"No way, can't get rid of me that easy," I quip, finally getting his belt unbuckled and pulled off. "Yes," I cheer for myself.  
  
He's got my pants unbuttoned and halfway down my legs, though, so he's doing even better. He kisses me hotly once we're finally free of clothes, and when he peaks, he tells me he loves me.  
  
I pretend not to hear.  
  
I wake up the next morning, wrapped in Jason's arms. "Hey," he smiles at me as I blink sleepily.  
  
"Hey yourself." I grin suddenly at him. "You didn't have your way with me while I was sleeping, did you?" I joke.  
  
He laughs, "Nope, but you had yours with me. You kept sticking your hands under the waistband of my pants. If I was willing to have the other side of my jaw bruised up, I would've gone for it."  
  
"Shut up," I laugh, "I wouldn't do that!"  
  
"Yeah, you would," he contradicts, "But it's okay because I kind of liked it."  
  
"Oh, you did, did you?"  
  
"Yeah, I did. Now, go brush your teeth or something so I can give you a proper good morning."  
  
I laugh, but get out of his warm bed, still dressed in a pair of his sweat pants and a t-shirt. "I'll be back," I say in my best Arnold voice, winking at him.  
  
"Hurry," he grins, promise in his eyes.  
  
I do hurry to the bathroom, needing a few minutes alone to think. He told me he loved me last night. While we were on the merry go round making love, he told me he loved me. I don't know why I wasn't expecting – I should've been. It's not like he hasn't said it without words already; I don't know why the words surprised me so much.  
  
If I were in a cartoon, I'd smack myself upside the head for being such an unsuspecting moron. I quickly brush my teeth and make my morning hair look a little more like sexy bedhead, and walk back to Jason's room.  
  
"Miss me?" I quip as I walk back in, shutting the door behind me.  
  
"Always," he grins from where he's sitting at his computer. I sit down on his lap, kissing him. "And there's my proper good morning."  
  
"You aren't studying, are you? Because it is break, and I'd hate to have to take you out to distract you from school."  
  
"Yeah, what kind of distraction we talking about here?"  
  
I pretend to think about it. "I hear you like merry go rounds." His eyes glaze over a little. "I heard you have some smooth tricks when on them."  
  
He nuzzles my neck, blowing softly. "You heard that about me? See, the funny thing is, I heard that about you."  
  
"Mm, we might have to find a merry go round to test this out, see who heard correctly."  
  
He stands up, picking me up with him. He drops me on his bed and starts tickling me.  
  
"Jason!" I squeal, "Stop tickling me!" I try to squirm away from him, but his hold on me is too strong. "Jason!" I shriek, very loudly this time, cracking up. He's laughing too, and we continue laughing even when the door busts open to reveal half his family plus Brooke and Tim.  
  
"You should've locked it when you came back in," he quips, and we both dissolve into laughter again.  
  
Lola starts laughing too from her spot in the doorway, and eventually everyone else does too, although they still are looking at us strangely.  
  
"Well, now that you two are up," Gina smiles, "Why don't you come have breakfast?"  
  
I push Jase off me, jumping up. "Is there anything I can do to help?" I grin at her.  
  
"Oh, I've got it all taken care of, but thank you anyways. Now, come on, let's get you some food." She takes my arm and guides me to the kitchen. No one follows us, which confuses me. "I told them not to," she smiles, reading my mind, "I wanted to talk to you a little."  
  
I look at her in surprise and probably a little worry. "Oh, okay." I try to smile, but I think I end up with something around fearful grimace instead.  
  
"It's not a bad talk," she says softly, "In fact, I think it's a good one. I just want to tell you thank you. You've made my son happier than he's been in several years. Now, I won't butt into his relationship where I shouldn't because I know there are things he doesn't like to talk about, but you've done wonders for him. I'm glad he has you. He's lucky to have you."  
  
Obviously I have no idea what she's talking about, but I just smile. "Well, thank you. He should've told you that I was the lucky one, though."  
  
"Well, I guess you're both lucky then." She gives me a quick hug. "It has been a real pleasure meeting you and getting to know you. I can see why my son likes you so much."  
  
I laugh, genuinely now. "Thank you. And thank you especially for making me feel so welcome here. It has been a real treat, and your family has been delightful."  
  
"Well, I'm glad you've enjoyed it. Now, come on, I imagine everyone is worrying that I've eaten you alive or something.  
  
I laugh as we walk into the dining room where everyone is eating breakfast. Jason and Brooke both look relieved that I've survived the talk with my boyfriend's mother, but everyone else is pretty oblivious.  
  
I sit between Tim and Brooke, across from Jason, and as everyone talks around us, I feel completely content for the time being.  
  
"Is it possible to love two people at once?" I ask Brooke a little later.  
  
"Do you have another female best friend?" she asks, sounding horrified by the mere possibility.  
  
"Brooke, no, this isn't about friends. I meant love love. Forever love, marriage love, jump your bones twenty times a day love."  
  
"Oh. Ooooh, did you tell Jason you love him?" she squeals, "Oh, my God, I knew it!"  
  
"No! He told me, though. Last night, on the merry go round."  
  
She looks confused. "What were you doing on a merry go round?" I just look at her. "Oh. Okay."  
  
We're standing on the sidelines watching the Smith clan play football, which is apparantly something they do the day after Thanksgiving every year. Tim waves up at me, grinning after scoring a touchdown. I cheer for him before turning back to Brooke.  
  
"I do love him, but I love Nathan, too. So, how can that be? How can I love two men at once?" I whine.  
  
"Wow, so he told you he loved you? That's pretty huge," she notes, "And what did you say to him?"  
  
"Nothing," I sigh, "I didn't say anything because one, it was heat of the moment, and two, I don't know, I just couldn't. What if I don't really feel that way?"  
  
"You just said you did," she points out far too reasonably for this time of morning, "So I don't know what to tell you. Maybe you wish you didn't?"  
  
I shrug. This is all just so hard. "Or maybe I wish I didn't still love Nathan," I sigh, getting to the heart of the matter.  
  
She hugs me. "Well, oh, crap, I don't want to – "  
  
"Don't want to what?" I interrupt.  
  
"I don't want to tell you what I think you should do because it isn't any of my business."  
  
"Tigger, you are the only person I can talk about this with. Please, by all means, give me some advice, I need it!"  
  
"Look, all I was going to say is that Jason is here, and he is a great guy. He adores you and he clearly wants to make you happy. And this isn't a knock or anything on Nathan. Because I know how you feel about him, and I know how feels about you. But Haley, Jason is here."  
  
I nod, knowing all of this. I also smile at her use of my name rather than her nickname for me. She only does it when she's serious. "I know, I do know that. And God, I don't know how it happened, but I do love him. Could you tell me why this has to be so damn hard?"  
  
"Nope, I sure can't. Hey, but you know what? I can't even get a boyfriend, so you shouldn't listen to what I have to say. It's just hypothetical or something."  
  
I smile. "It isn't bad advice, it really isn't. In fact, most would consider it really good advice, Tigger. It's just really hard to take it because it means – well, you know."  
  
"You know what? You should talk to Nathan. Look, maybe that thing between you two is something that you need to explore a little more or something."  
  
I shake my head. "I don't think that will make a difference at this point. What is really important is for me to decide if keeping Jason is worth letting Nathan go for good."  
  
She reaches over and squeezes my hand, understanding the gravity of the situation. I look away and covertly wipe away the tear that has managed to fall.  
  
Brooke and Tim leave immediately after the football game, but not before the family clues them in on the fact that they never bought the boyfriend/girlfriend. "I'm glad we didn't pretend to kiss then," Brooke said as they got in the car.  
  
Jason and I say goodbye to his mom and sisters a little while later. They are the only ones that are left now.  
  
"It was truly lovely to meet you, Haley," Gina smiles, embracing me, "Keep taking good care of my son."  
  
"I will," I promise, gladly hugging her back. She pulls away and Lola moves into her place. Gina steps over to say goodbye to Jason who is busy teasing Marissa.  
  
"So, we have each other's emails," Lol smiles, "Let's keep in touch."  
  
"I'd really like that!" I smile, hugging her, "Thanks for keeping Brooke and Tim occupied last night."  
  
She laughs, "Now that was my pleasure. Brooke is really fun to party with, and who knew Tim was that cool?"  
  
"Well, now someone else besides me does, which is a good thing, I guess," I laugh. "It was great meeting you."  
  
Marissa walks over with a small smile on her face. I'm almost afraid she'll say something else that is totally embarrassing, but she doesn't. "I'm sorry I teased you," she offers, "But its fun. And thank you for being nice about it all, that's pretty cool."  
  
I smile back at her. "It's fine, I didn't mind a bit," I assure her, surprised when she hugs me. She was the only one who seemed a little hesitant, but I think she still thinks of Jase as 'hers'.  
  
"You ready?" Jason asks after hugging his mom. I nod, waving to everyone. They all wave back, grinning at us.  
  
We get in the car, and as he backs out of the driveway, Jason asks if I mind making a stop.  
  
"No, that's fine," I smile.  
  
"Thank you," he says quietly, and I wonder what's going on.  
  
We drive in silence until he pulls into a cemetery, much to my surprise. I glance up at him, unsure if I should get out and go with him or not. He smiles, "I'd like it if you came with me."  
  
I nod, unbuckling my seat belt and getting out of the car. I walk around to his side and take his hand, hoping I'm helping him, even though I don't know what it is that he needs help with. We walk quietly through the graves until we get to his destination. The headstone says "Alexandra Martin, 1986 – 2004", and I'm beginning to get a sinking feeling in my stomach as things I've learned this weekend begin to make sense.  
  
"She was my girlfriend," he explains, sighing, "Well, when she died, she was my ex-girlfriend. But before that, we'd dated for four years. And before that, she'd been my best friend. She died during a robbery at a convenience store. Wrong place, wrong time."  
  
I want to offer words of comfort to him, but I don't really have any. It kind of puts the losses I've suffered into perspective – at least all of my friends are alive and healthy, and most of them even happy. I step closer to him, wanting to at least offer him the comfort of me. I wait, figuring it's best to let him do this his way, say what he needs to say.  
  
"It's weird," he comments, "Because we broke up after she cheated on me, and I figured – I figured that she didn't matter to me, and then this." He gestures to the headstone. "And it crushed me. I didn't love her anymore, not in the way I did before, but she mattered to me, and I treated her like she didn't. God, I hate that I was such an ass to her. I couldn't even be a big enough person to forgive her."  
  
He kneels down in front of her grave. I crouch beside him, laying a hand on his shoulder. "She knows, Jase, I believe that."  
  
He nods. "I could still kick myself for not telling her, though. It really hurt her that I cut her off so completely."  
  
"You did what anyone would've done," I tell him, believing that, "You can't beat yourself up over it forever."  
  
He looks at me. "You know, it's worse now, in some ways. The guilt, I mean. Ever since I met you, I don't think of her as much. In fact, I barely thought of her until we got back here, and even then it wasn't very much." I brush my hand through his hair. "I don't know what I'd do without you."  
  
"It's a good thing you don't have to find out, then," I smile.  
  
"I meant what I said," he says out of the blue, "I do love you." I look at him in surprise. "I know you heard me," he continues quietly, "You kind of froze right there on top of me for a second."  
  
"I thought it was just said in the heat of the moment," I explain.  
  
He shakes his head. "No, it wasn't." He glances around. "Damn, I shouldn't be doing this to you here. It's just that when I was telling you about how I never told her she mattered and I never forgave her, I just had to tell you. I just need you to know that I love you. As simple as that."  
  
I can't hold back, and I throw my arms around his neck. "I love you, too," I whisper.  
  
And I find that it is true.  
  
Of course, that doesn't mean I don't love anyone else.


	10. Bridge Over Troubled Water

**Chapter Ten – _Bridge Over Troubled Water_**__

'Sail on Silver Girl,  
Sail on by  
Your time has come to shine  
All your dreams are on their way  
See how they shine  
If you need a friend  
I'm sailing right behind  
Like a bridge over troubled water  
I will ease your mind' – Simon and Garfunkel

December, 2007 – Christmas

"I can't believe he gave you an engagement ring for Christmas Eve! That is probably the most romantic thing I've ever heard in my whole life! I am so excited – and only a little jealous – of you!"

"Well, I certainly think so, and I'll be sure to pass the message on to him that you approve. And now I have a very big favor to ask you."

"Anything!"

"Will you be my maid of honor?"

"Oh, my God, Karen! I would love to!" I squeal, jumping up and down, "This is so awesome!"

"Oh, honey, thank you! You know that I love you so much, and to have you stand up with me would just be wonderful. You are like a daughter to me, after all. I would appreciate it so much!"

"So, I obviously can assume that Lucas will be Keith's best man, right?"

She grins, "Of course you can. And Deb is going to walk down the aisle with Eric and hold him for the ceremony. So, everyone I love will be involved."

"I am so happy for you," I tell her, pulling her into another hug. "Lucas must be thrilled beyond belief for you two!"

"We haven't told him yet, actually," she sighs, and I gape at her. "We want to tell him in person, so if you could not mention it, I'd really appreciate that."

I hate the idea of keeping this secret from him, but it really isn't my place to tell so I shrug and nod. "Yeah, but when are you going to tell him?"

"Soon. Keith also surprised me with plane tickets to go see his games in Memphis next week. So, we'll tell him then."

"He's going to love it," I tell her confidently. "You know, I was thinking of getting Brooke and Tim or Jason to drive over with me. It's a ways over, but it'd be fun and who doesn't want to take a road trip once in awhile? Plus, its Christmas and I haven't seen Luke in months, so I would really love to see him soon."

She grins at me. "Well, I know Lucas would love to see you there, and I would also be delighted if you were there. You should come, we could all go out to a celebratory dinner together."

"I'll see if I can talk at least one of them into it!" I enthuse, suddenly thinking that would be a great idea. I think Jason will come if he can, but he's in Raleigh right now with his family for Christmas. For once my parents actually stayed in Tree Hill – oh, not for me, but because one of my sisters is back here for a vacation, or else I would've been there with him. I wish I was were there with him, actually.

"You do that. Now, I know that you have better, more fun places to be, so you should get moving, honey."

"Thank you for letting me stop by," I smile, "Tell Eric and Keith I love them and I'm sorry I missed them."

"They love you, too," she laughs, "And so do I. Thank you for Eric's present, he'll love it. Whatever it is."

"Congratulation, Karen!" I shout as I run down the driveway. It is freezing out here, and I want to get in my car as quickly as possible.

My next stop is Deb and Dan's place. I don't know why I felt compelled to get them something, but I did. Maybe because Dan gave me such a good deal on the car, maybe because Deb has always been so great to me, and maybe because I know it will make Nathan happy. No matter, though, I've done it, and I'm glad. I know they'll love this.

I knock on the door, shivering on the porch. "Haley?" Dan smiles when he sees me, "Were we expecting you?"

"No," I smile back, gratefully stepping inside as he holds open the door, "I just wanted to stop by and wish you and Deb a Merry Christmas."

"Well, come on in, Deb is in the kitchen right now."

"Thanks! So, how are you guys doing?" I ask as we walk through their massive house to the kitchen.

"Oh, we're fine. We miss Nathan, of course, but since we know he's probably having fun with his team and not missing us, we're trying not to let it bother us."

I smile. We walk into the kitchen, and Deb looks up, grinning at me. "Haley! Hi honey, how are you?"

"I'm great," I grin, "I just stopped by to say Merry Christmas and to drop this off." I hand her the package I've put together for them. "It's for both of you."

They look at me in surprise, but open it. Deb gasps when she realizes what it is. "Oh, Haley, how did you – oh, my, this is the nicest thing I've ever gotten," she sniffs, starting to cry. Dan is looking at it in awe. "We don't have anything like it at all!"

"I just – I thought you guys would really like this, and well, I have all these pictures, and I thought it would be nice to put them to good use," I tell them, smiling proudly of my work.

"It's beautiful," Dan smiles, finally looking up from the pages, "I – you have a real knack for this kind of thing."

"Well, maybe I can make it through the Interior Design program at Duke after all," I joke, but then get serious, "I'm glad you like it, though. I um, I guessed you didn't have many pictures of Luke around, and probably none of both Nathan and Luke actually together, and since I have tons of them, I thought it'd be nice to share them. I sent both of them one, too."

"I love it," Deb smiles, still sniffling. She wraps her arms around me, hugging me. "Thank you so much."

"Yes, thank you," Dan says, "I'm just amazed at this. I don't think I've ever been given a better gift – well, besides getting second chances with the boys."

"I am so glad you guys like it! I hope Luke and Nathan appreciate it as much as you guys do, although I'm guessing twenty year old guys aren't the demographic that is really looking for the sentimental value in things," I laugh.

I really am touched by how much they like the scrapbooks. I wanted to do something really nice for them, something that they wouldn't expect, and I'm glad I accomplished it.

"It is beyond amazing," Deb enthuses, finally getting past the tears, "And if you are half as good at interior design, well, then I guess we know who will be decorating for us from now on."

I laugh. "I'm just glad you like," I tell them graciously, "And thank you for bolstering my design confidence."

I stay for a glass of eggnog with them, and chat some more – they fill me in more on what it was like to see Nathan and Luke play against each other for the first time in forever. Dan practically bursts with pride when he talks about having dinner with them after the game, and I've never seen Deb so happy. I guess Nathan and Luke just had the greatest time hanging out together, which is pretty much what Luke already told me.

I thank them for the eggnog, and let them fuss over the scrapbook a little longer, and then I make my excuses, needing to get to Brooke's to exchange gifts with her and Tim. We're just going to hang out there for the rest of the day, and just loaf around. I spent this morning with my parents and sister, and that's more than enough considering the time they spend with me is so minimal.

Tim's car isn't here, so I get the good spot in the driveway, closest to the door. I race inside, not even bothering to knock.

"Tigger?" I holler as I walk in, "Where are you?"

"Kitchen," she yells back. I drop my packages off in the living room under the tree that she, Tim and I picked out and decorated, and then skip off to find her. It's odd that I am in such a good mood in some ways, since I am really missing Jason today.

''Hey," I greet as I walk in. She's arranging food on trays, and I know immediately that one of the housekeepers did it for her. "What's going on?"

"Not much, just getting things ready for our little group Christmas," she replies, smiling at me. "I'm glad you guys are going to be here with me."

"There's nowhere else I would rather be," I insist, smiling.

"Liar. I know you wish you could've gone with Jason and gotten spoiled by his family some more," she laughs.

"That's not true! You know I love spending time with you and Timmy boy; you guys are like family to me now!" I realize just how true that is now. They are family to me. There is no better word for what they are to me.

"Aw, really? Tutor Girl, that's so sweet!"

I hug her. "It's true, I love you guys."

Of course, Tim walks in now, when we are hugging and professing our love. "I knew you two would get it on eventually," he brags, thinking he's onto something.

"Tim, you brainless pervert," Brooke begins as she pulls him into our hug, "Why we tolerate you, I'll never know."

"Because I'm so cute, obviously."

Brooke and I both laugh, and just hug him harder at his wounded look. "Did you bring us good presents?" Brooke asks him.

"I might've," he grins, "What'd ya get me?"

"Nothing," I laugh, "I'm sure you've been a naughty boy this year. No presents for you."

He pouts. "Hey, I'd like to think I've been pretty good this year. For me, at least. I want my presents."

"You're such a baby, Timmy," Brooke laughs.

"Yeah, like you wouldn't be griping if you were told you didn't get any presents," he points out, not really wrong. "You'd be whining and crying and possibly getting violent over it."

"Would not!" she laughs, smacking him lightly on the arm.

"You lie like a dog," I tell her, laughing with them, "Tigger, you'd be crying your eyes out and like Tim said, probably hitting one or both of us."

"Shut up! You two are mean!" she mock pouts.

"Aw," Tim sighs, pulling her into another hug, "We love you, Brookie Wookie."

"Call me that again, and I'll rip your balls off," she threatens. He blanches, still not sure if Brooke's threats are idle or not. "Yeah, that's what I thought," she nods.

"Okay, children, let's take this food into the movie room and watch 'The Grinch'." They both groan at my suggestion. "Hey, I love that movie!"

"Make your boyfriend watch it then," Tim grumbles, "Let's watch something that doesn't totally suck."

"It doesn't suck! It's cute, and it's funny!"

Brooke rolls her eyes. "I'd like to see something that features shirtless men. Is that too much to ask?"

"Yes," Tim asserts, "That is way too much to ask. Although if you're willing to turn the heat up a little bit, I'll go shirtless."

"It'll be a cold day in hell when I want to see your naked chest," Brooke sighs.

"Well, I'll still be glad to see yours," Tim jokes, grinning when Brooke's face turns bright red.

"Oh, my God, I'm going to get the presents," I yell at them. I stomp out of the room and grab all the presents we've gotten for each other. Why I'm so irritable right now, I have no idea, but their endless arguing over everything – which usually amuses me – is driving me to the point of distraction right now.

I stomp back in the room with my armload of presents. "Haley," Brooke starts, moving to take some of the presents out of my arms, "We're sorry. I mean, you know this is just how we are."

I nod, feeling badly for being so touchy and grumpy all of a sudden. "No, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have gotten so rude and snappy at you guys, I don't know what's wrong with me." I burst into tears all of a sudden.

"Honey, what's wrong?" Brooke asks, wrapping her arms around me.

"I don't know," I wail, seriously feeling lost all of a sudden. "I just – I miss Jason, and my parents are driving me crazy, and – and – "

"Hey, don't you love us?" Tim asks, trying to joke in order to get me to smile, "We're here, and we love you."

I nod. "I love you guys, too. I don't know why I'm being like this right now. Guess I'm just a mess right now."

"You're allowed to sometimes," Brooke grins, "Besides, next time Tim and I act all ass-y, we have something to hold over your head now! How could this be anything but a really good thing?"

"You guys are too much," I smile, finally laughing, "And I am sorry. I didn't mean to freak out on you."

They nod, Brooke adding, "Hey, really, it is okay. We love you. Now, let's take these back in and open them in front of the tree. You know, like normal families do!"

"Tim is the only one who might know from normal," I point out, since neither Brooke nor I are experienced in normal, healthy family relations.

"No families are ever normal," he retorts, "There is always something there, no matter how normal they seem."

"Oooh, so what are your deep, dark family secrets?" I ask, "And if you don't tell me, I'll ask Jase. I have ways of getting it out of him!"

"Go Tutor Girl," Brooke laughs while Tim makes a face.

"You know, I don't need reminders that you are sleeping with a family member of mine, alright?"

"Aw, you don't know for sure that we're sleeping together," I laugh.

"Jesus, I'm not that dumb. I saw the bruise on his jaw. That was a sex bruise. And the merry go round? Seriously, even I can pick up on that shit."

"I'm almost afraid to ask, but what on earth is a sex bruise? Or should I ask how one goes about identifying them?"

"Oh, I can answer this," Brooke jumps in, "Sex bruises – or injuries, if you will – are obviously those incurred in the throes of passion. They are easily identifiable by the telltale blushing and extreme concern from the significant other. They are often found in the form of scratches or bite marks, but have also been known to show up as bruises from limbs that flail a little too out of control."

"Oh, my God," I tell her, "I think I've heard enough. Why do I get the feeling that you could probably write your dissertation on this subject, Brooke?"

She giggles. "Well, I do what I can," she says modestly, "Can I help it if I'm knowledgeable in sex?"

I shake my head. "You should write a book or something."

"Yeah, I should," she laughs, "It could probably be a best seller. I'd be world famous, and then I'd have all the guys in the world, which would be like research for a follow-up book! This is perfect, I have to do this!"

"Calm down, Brookie," Tim laughs, "I think she was kidding. There are about a bazillion of those sex books out there."

She sighs dramatically. "Well, fine, maybe the world isn't ready yet for my views on sex anyways. I'm very progressive. Like Madonna."

I snort, "Shut up, Tigger." I can't help but laugh. I feel immensely better, thanks to these two. I don't know what I'd do without them.

"It's true!" she defends, and Tim and I laugh.

My phone rings, and I nearly jump out of my skin. I glance at the caller ID. "Unidentified," I sigh, not wanting to talk really, but curious as to who it is.

"Take it upstairs," Brooke suggests, "We'll open presents when you come back down."

"Thanks," I smile, jogging up the stairs. "Hello?"

"Haley J?"

"Nathan, hi," I say, surprised. "Um, Merry Christmas!"

"Hey yourself," he says, and I can hear the smile in his voice, "I was just thinking of you. How's your Christmas going so far?"

"It's okay. My parents are here for a change, along with one of my sisters. Which is of course why they're here, so whatever."

"Oh, baby, I'm sorry. Can I call them up and give them a piece of my mind for you?" he asks sweetly.

"No, I'm okay. I'm at Brooke's, and she, Tim, and I are having our own little family Christmas. We'll have fun. What about you? What are you doing? Second Christmas away from home," I point out.

He sighs, "Yeah, I miss you all. It definitely sucks to be here on this stupid, deserted campus, but I guess it'll be worth it. Anyway, how can I complain when I get to play college ball, right?"

"I think you're entitled to a little complaining," I tell him gently, "You're far away from home on Christmas. You miss your family, and we miss you."

"You miss me?" he asks.

"I always miss you, Nathan. You mean a lot to me. No one can make me laugh quite the way you can."

"Thanks, I think I needed to hear that."

I knew he did. "Well, it's true. You're important to me, Nathan, and I miss you and I hate that you're alone right now."

"Well, I'm not really alone," he sighs, "There are some guys from the team here, too, and I think we're going to a party tonight with some of the other teams that are stuck here."

"Maybe you'll find a cute girl from one of the women's teams to hook up with," I joke with him.

"Yeah, that'll happen," he snorts, "I have no interest in hooking up with anyone. Here, I mean."

"Oooh, is there someone back at school?" I ask, surprised at how easy it is to banter with him about this. Even a month ago, it would've been horrible, and I'd have probably ended up saying something stupid to piss him so he'd hang up on me, but now it's just comfortable.

He laughs. "Nah, I'm pathetically single. The guys on the team keep trying to hook me up, as does my roommate, but I don't know, I'm doing so well in school and basketball that I don't want to mess with anything."

"Oh, Nathan, you should stay open to possibilities. You never know when you'll meet someone perfect."

He laughs, and it is tinged with bitterness, but neither of us comment on it. "Well, I'm just not interested right now."

"Living the life of a monk, huh?" I tease.

"Now, I didn't say that," he teases back.

"Oooh, Nathan Scott, what sorts of trouble have you been getting into? You taking advantage of all those basketball groupies?" I laugh.

He laughs, too. "You make it sound like there are hundreds of them. Besides, they aren't – I don't know, there's just nothing there. Anyways, what about you? How's Pretty Boy? He treating you right still, or do I need to fly up there and kick his ass?"

"He's a perfect gentleman," I confirm, laughing. Somehow talking about all this with Nathan doesn't feel painful and awkward anymore. Sure, there is definitely still something between us, but it has become easier to set aside and focus on the positive.

"Yeah, right," he snorts, "I know that type. He might seem all gentlemanly or whatever, but I bet he's a real freak. Uh, that's not an invitation to fill me in because there are some things I want to pretend don't exist."

"Nathan," I start.

"No, Hales, it's okay. I mean, it sucks, but you're with him, and I can accept it. I don't like it, and I won't lie and say I didn't wish it were me instead, but still." I can hear the yearning in his voice.

"Oh, Nathan, we were doing so well." I sigh, frustrated.

He sighs. "You're right, I'm sorry. It's just – no, nevermind. So, what else has been going on? Talked to Luke lately?"

I smile at his change of subject. "That was very diplomatic of you," I joke, "And it has been about a week since I've caught up with Luke. But I am trying to talk someone into driving to Memphis with me for his tournament there. You know, you should tell your school to schedule more games closer to here, and maybe I'd come see you play, too."

"I'll tell them, and I'm sure they'll take it under advisement," he laughs, "But that's good that you might get to go see Luke. He was telling me just the other day that he was missing 'his Hales'. He broke up with that girl he was seeing."

"He broke up with another girl? Geez, he runs through them like they're shoes or something. He's always so excited about them in the beginning, but then they fizzle. Weird."

"I don't know, it's almost like he's trying to replace someone, but I can't figure out who. It's not like – well, it's just weird. Maybe he's lonely."

"I hope not," I sigh, "But I wish he'd stop running through the female population of UM so quickly. He's going to get a reputation or something."

He laughs, "He might already have one. I mean, he's been there a year and a half now, so I'd say that's plenty of time to gain a reputation."

"And you would know, wouldn't you?"

"Hey, I'm practically a monk here, remember?" he laughs.

"I didn't mean now, I meant high school. You know you had quite the reputation for being a ladies man."

He snorts. "Well, it wasn't entirely deserved, you know that."

I laugh, "I know, but it is still fun to tease you about it!"

"Yeah, you'd think so, wouldn't you?"

"Yeah, I would. I miss you, Nathan, I really do," I say softly, really feeling it. "Christmas isn't the same without you."

"I miss you, too, Haley J. Hey, my mom called and told me what you did for them. Thank you, that was really awesome."

"Oh, it was nothing," I demure, "I'm just glad they liked it so much. I thought your dad was going to cry."

"Yeah, Mom said he was really overwhelmed by it. He doesn't have many pictures of Luke, so that was really cool of you."

"Well, I sent you one, too. It's a little different – there are pictures of the gang and all in addition to you and Luke. I think you'll like it."

"I'm sure I'll love it," he promises. "Haley J? Baby, I got to go. The guys are dragging me with them to a movie, and it's time to go."

"Thank you for calling, Nate. Merry Christmas."

"You, too. Love you."

"Love you, too," I whisper, sighing as he hangs up.

I shake my head, wondering how I can still feel so connected to him even after all this time. That is just incredible to me. We are undeniably far apart right now, both physically and mentally, but emotionally we are always on the same page.

Brushing these thoughts off, I head back downstairs to hang out with Tim and Brooke more. "Hey, I hope you two are behaving yourselves," I call as I step back into the living room where the tree is.

"Aren't we always?" Brooke says, sweet as sugar. "I mean, hello, it's Tim and I, and if we aren't sugar and spice and all that shit, then I don't know what is!"

Even Tim has to roll his eyes at that. "Shut up, Brooke," he says in a friendly tone, so she doesn't smack him for once. "Come on, let's trade presents now."

"Like a kid in a damn candy store," I laugh, "Seriously, Smith, isn't it time to project a calm exterior towards presents?"

He shakes his head. "Never!"

Brooke grins. "I'm with Timmy on this one, it is never time to grow up when it comes to Christmas presents!"

I stare at her. "Now, what is this? I thought you hated Christmas with the fire of a thousand suns?"

"Well, sure, I hate Christmas on the principle that it is a holiday, and holidays suck. But dang, I love Christmas presents!" she squeals, "Now, come on, let's open them!"

"Two kids in a candy store," I laugh, kind of getting excited for presents, too. Last year was weird because I was still getting to know Tim and Brooke. Now, I know them better than I know myself, and so it is even more fun to spend the holidays with them.

Tim jumps up and starts passing out presents. Brooke, apparently too lazy or just that dissociated with holidays, has used sparkly pastel colored paper with stars and ribbons all over it. It is really pretty, but decidedly lacking in any holiday festivity.

"This one is for you, James," Tim says, tossing me something wrapped in Santa in his underwear. This one is obviously from Tim.

"Hmm, Santa in his skivvies is kinda hot," Brooke jokes, "Thanks for the porn material, Timmy."

"Shit," he laughs.

"Okay, let's open one," I suggest once Tim has passed them all out. "Just one at a time, though!"

Brooke squeals. "Let's go!" I laugh as they tear into the paper, and I join them, ripping it open as fast as I can to catch up to them.

"Brooke, this is awesome," Tim enthuses, pulling out what I'm sure is a really expensive, really beautiful watch.

"You like it?" she asks as she digs into one of the things I've brought for her.

"Love it," he confirms, inspecting it closely.

"Oooh, Tim, this is wonderful," I grin, amazed that he found something so perfect for me, "I can't believe you remembered! Where'd you find it?"

"EBay," he confesses with an embarrassed grin, "I'm glad you like it. I was pretty sure you would, but nothing is one hundred percent, you know?"

"I love it!" I jump over the coffee to hug him. "I can't believe you remember I loved Strawberry Shortcake when I was little. And this charm bracelet, wow," I marvel, "You're amazing."

"You're not the first girl to tell me that," he winks, laughing.

"Tutor Girl! How did you know I wanted this?" Brooke asks, laughing and holding up the copy of 'A Child's Garden of Verses' that I'd bought for her. It's a second edition, but it is a book that her grandmother used to read to her when she was a child. I actually stumbled upon it when I was looking for something for Karen at an antique shop.

"Hey, if Tim can remember I liked Strawberry Shortcake, then I can remember your favorite childhood book!"

"I'll choose to ignore that insult," Tim laughs good-naturedly.

"Well, I really love it, Tutor Girl, thank you," she says through a few tears.

We all open the rest of our presents, oohing and aahing as necessary. We have fun joking and teasing each other, and laughing at some of the silly items we picked out for each other. Eventually, though, Tim has to leave to go back to his parent's house where some of his father's family has gathered. Of course, this just makes me wish that Jase's side of the family was here, but you can't always get what you want.

Brooke takes a phone call from her parents, so I take the opportunity to call Jason to see how he'd feel about driving to Memphis for Luke's games next week.

"Hello?"

"Lola? Hi, it's Haley. How are you?"

"Haley!" she exclaims, "I was wondering when I'd hear from you! I'm great, how are you? Having a great Christmas?"

"It's okay, I spent the afternoon with Brooke and Tim and the morning delivering presents to a few friends of mine. How's the holiday going for all of you?"

"Oh, wonderful. You know us, though," she laughs, "Always a big production, and someone will probably end up in tears. By the way, my mom looooved the angel figurine you sent. She couldn't believe that you noticed she collected them. Or did Jason tell? He swears up and down he didn't, but you can tell me if he did."

I laugh, now really wishing I was there. I'm beginning to really love the whole vibe of Jason's family. "No, he didn't tell me. I noticed them when Brooke and I snuck off to the study to have a girl to girl chat." I groan at my words. "See, now Tim has me thinking like a pervert because all I could think of was what his reaction would be to me saying anything about girl on girl."

Lola laughs. "Hah, men. Well, we all miss you. Especially my sad sac brother. I think he's chomping at the bit to get out of here and back to you. If you weren't so awesome, I'd probably be ticked off!"

"Aw, want me to kick his ass and knock some sense into him?"

"Hey, if you think it'll help, by all means, go right ahead," she encourages. "So, I guess he's the one you really want to talk to, right?"

"Well, you know it isn't that I don't want to talk to you, it's just that Brooke will probably be off the phone, and I want to talk to Jase before she's ready to talk again."

"No problem, I'll pass you on. Great talking to you!"

"You, too. I'll give you a call soon when we can talk uninterrupted!" I laugh. I can hear her teasing Jason in the background as she passes off the phone to him.

"Hey baby," he says into the phone, his voice low and intimate for me, "I was just thinking of you."

"Great minds, I guess," I smile, "I miss you."

He laughs. "I miss you, too. My bed here is lonely without you, and I can't drive through this town without thinking of that merry go round. You ruined Raleigh for me," he jokes.

"Aw, my poor honey. I'll have to go with you next time so we can un-ruin it. So, how's your Christmas going? Lola made it sound like it was fun."

"Yeah, it's been okay. Mom loved the angel you sent; I thought she was going to cry, actually. So thank you for making her smile."

"Oh, I'm so glad she liked it! Do you know how hard it is to pick out a present for your boyfriend's mother?" I laugh, "It's a little nerve-wracking."

"You did good, baby. How're things going at Brooke's?"

"Oh, they're good. I had a meltdown earlier. They were fighting like they always do, and I just snapped. I don't know what my problem was, but I settled down and we had a good time opening presents."

"You freaked out?" he laughs, "I'm sorry I wasn't there to distract you."

"Me, too!" I admit, "I wish I was with you right now."

"Are we getting sappy?" he laughs.

"Oh, Jase, when are we not?"

"Good point. Ugh, baby, Riss is banging down the door hollering at me to come out. Apparently they can't have dessert without me."

"Okay, I won't hold you up. And tell Riss I'm sorry I kept dessert waiting."

"Hey, I love you. I can't wait to get back there and give you your Christmas presents."

"Oooh, presents? Plural?"

"Maybe," he teases.

"Oh, crap, I almost forgot. How would you feel about maybe taking a road trip to Memphis with me this week? Luke's team is playing in some tournament there, and I thought it'd be fun. If you're busy and have to study, I can ask Brooke and Tim."

"No, no, I'd love that. I think it'd be nice for Luke and I to finally meet, don't you?"

"Yeah, I was hoping you'd say that!" I am smiling ear to ear now. "Thank you for making my day all wonderful."

"Just think how wonderful it could be if I was there," he says, dropping his voice down to an insinuating whisper.

"Jase," I laugh, "Stop it! You're going to get me all hot, and there's nothing I can do about it here."

"Now, that's just not true," he points out.

"Fine, whatever. How about this: there is nothing I want to do without you?"

"Now, that is a sentiment I can live with. Okay, baby, I really have to go before Riss has a heart attack. I love you!"

"Love you, too, honey! Merry Christmas."

We hang up just as Brooke comes ambling back into the room. "Well, my family sucks big, hairy donkey balls."

"Lovely," I remark, flopping back on the couch.

"How's Jason and his family?" she asks, grabbing a cookie and shoving it in her mouth with a flourish.

"They're good. Gina liked the gift I sent for her."

"Speaking of gifts, what'd Jason get you? And what'd you get him?"

"We're exchanging gifts when he gets back. And I'm not telling you what I got him, it's a secret," I inform her, laughing at her pout.

"Well, that's no fair."

"Sure it is," I tell her, "And guess what?"

"Are you changing the subject?" she asks, her eyes narrowing at me in suspicion.

"I might be," I nod, laughing, "But this is good! Jason and I are going to go to Memphis next week to watch Luke's basketball games! I'm going to introduce them, finally!"

"Wow," she says, her eyes widening, "I guess I forget that they don't know each other. That's cool, I know you miss Luke a lot."

"Well, I miss him, yeah, but it's not like I'm dying without him, Tigger. I do have you, right?" I smile, leaning my head on her shoulder.

"Yes, you do," she agrees, "And I have you."

"So, how was the phone call?" I ask, knowing that she needs to talk about it, and that she might actually be ready to do so now.

"It sucked, like always. Maybe I should start taking comfort in that or something. I don't know. They're considering selling this house."

"What?" I gape at her.

She nods. "Yeah, that was my reaction. But they're planning on moving to Florida, and they don't seem to think there is any good reason to keep this house. Including the fact that I'm living here right now, apparently."

"Oh, Tigger, I'm sorry. That has to suck."

"Yeah, well, what can you do, right? It's their house to do with as they please. I'm sure they think I should be grateful they've let me stay here this long."

"What? Did you think they'd kick you out after high school or something?"

"Huh, no, I figured when I turned sixteen, actually. I think every day since then I've wondered if that day would be the day they told me to pack up."

"Oh, Tigger," I sigh.

"It's okay, you know," she sort of laughs, "It's not like I ever really expected differently, you know? It's been like this as long as I can remember."

"That doesn't mean it should be like that," I reason.

"Well, no, but it's not like you have it so much better. I mean, your parents are never here either."

"Yeah, I know," I sigh, "So, we're both screwed. But still, at least I have got kicked out yet."

"I guess."

"Are pathetic or what?" I ask with a laugh.

"Not us, them," she corrects, "It's them. If you can't bother to see your children over the holidays, you're pathetic."

"Uh, Tigger? My parents are in town right now," I remind her, "So, am I pathetic for not spending the day with them?"

"Totally different! Look, they had years to show up for a holiday with you. You've always been here, right? And when was the last time they were here?"

"Um, I think it was when I was in seventh grade. After that they started traveling, and leaving me with Karen and Lucas."

"Okay, so that was like seven years ago. Screw them."

I laugh at that. "Yeah, well, I'd rather be here and have spent the day with you and Tim that them anyways."

She hugs me. "Yeah, me too. Well, I mean rather than my parents."

"I know."

"God, we are such a Hallmark commercial!" she laughs, "This is just getting ridiculous. Two years ago, I had no friends, and now I have friends that I act like commercial friends with. Freaky."

I spend the night here, not wanting to go home, but more than that just wanting to hang out with Brooke. Tim comes back when he's done with his family stuff, and the three of us crash on the giant couches in the Davis living room. And somehow, despite the family drama and my missing boyfriend, it turns out to be a really great Christmas.

"Calm down," he laughs, "I thought after how quiet you were when we went to Raleigh that you hated road trips or something."

I laugh with him. "No, I was just scared to meet your mom and sisters! I was worried they wouldn't like me."

He snorts. "Please. They like you more than they like me. Obviously that is not a problem. In fact, my mom told me that next time I come home I needed to bring you or not bother."

I can't help but laugh at the pout on his face. "Aw, I'm sure she was kidding, Jason." I lean over and kiss him on the cheek. "And anyways, can I help it that I am so darn loveable?" I joke.

"No, I guess not." He reaches over and squeezes my hand. "So, we're here," he announces unnecessarily as we pull into the parking lot of the hotel.

"Yes, we are!" I bubble joyfully as I get out of the car, "I haven't seen Luke since last summer, and I bet Karen has told him about the engagement by now, so we can talk about that! Oh, well, he doesn't know we're here, so I can surprise him, too!"

Jason just shakes his head, laughing. "Brooke is definitely wearing off on you," he points, "That whole speech thing was very Brooke-esque."

"Well, there are worse things I could be," I point out dramatically. I throw my arms around his neck and kiss him.

"What was that for?" he asks with a smile.

"Just because," I reply.

"Good enough for me," he jokes.

We get our bags out of the back of my car, talking and laughing and teasing each other. "Don't forget we have to meet Karen, Keith, and Eric in an hour," I remind him.

"I won't," he laughs. "It'll be good to see them again."

"Funny," I remark, "Karen was saying the same thing about you when I told her you were coming with me. She really likes you."

"You say that like you're surprised," he teases, "Shouldn't you know that everyone likes me by now?"

I roll my eyes at him. "Now, granted I don't know of anyone who doesn't like off the top of my head, but I bet I could find someone if I had to," I tease.

"Hey, when was the last time you met someone who didn't like me?" he asks indignantly.

I can't help but laugh. "Well, never," I concede, "I'm just saying I could probably find someone if I tried hard enough."

"Yeah, sure you could," he laughs, "You'd have to look really hard, though, and there are so much better things you could do. Like kissing me. Or, oh, I don't know, hole up in a hotel room with me."

"And make sweet love to you all night?" I quip.

He nods eagerly. "I wouldn't complain if you wanted to do that," he confirms, "I mean, there are definitely worse ways to spend our time, right?"

"Well, I'll take that suggestion under advisement."

"You do that," he whispers in my ear, breathing hotly on my neck. We check in hurriedly, and I think we both have it in mind to rush up to our room and stay there for the rest of the day, but we are meeting Karen, Keith, and Eric in about twenty minutes now.

We put our bags in our room, and I change clothes. Jason tries to help me, which turns out to be no help at all, but we laugh and kiss and have fun, so I don't mind too much. We get settled, and head downstairs to meet everyone to head over to the arena for Luke's first game.

"Karen!" I smile when I see her, lifting Eric out of her arms. "Hey, my little man, how are you, beautiful?"

"Now, Haley," Keith corrects, "He's handsome, not beautiful. Let's not go giving the kid a complex already. He's already got one crazy family to deal with."

I laugh, kissing him on the cheek. "Sorry Keith, but this is a beautiful baby."

"I'm not going to win, am I?" he asks amused as he shakes Jason's hand.

"Never," Jason confirms, "And you might as well not even try. It's good to see you all again, by the way."

"You, too," Karen smiles at him, even giving him a hug. I'm glad that Karen and Keith like Jason, even though I know they feel bad for Nathan. But they've both gone out of their way to be friendly to him, and since they are like family to me, it means a lot, both to me and Jase.

"You want me to take Eric?" Keith asks me.

I shake my head. "No way! I just got him, I get to keep him for a little while, at least! Isn't that right, cutie?" He giggles when I tickle his side.

"You better not be getting baby fever, young lady," Keith warns, "You have to finish college and get a job first."

I laugh, shaking my head. "No baby fever yet; I just happen to have a soft spot for this little guy. How could anyone not?"

The arena isn't far from here, so we all decide to walk over. It's chilly, but we're all bundled up, and it won't be long enough for Eric to get chilled. Keith and Jason talk about Luke's stats, and Karen tells me about how happy he is for her and Keith over their engagement.

"He's really thrilled," she smiles, "I have to admit that there was a part of me that was just a little worried that he might not be so happy. It was silly, of course, to think that. I mean, if he was going to be upset, it would've been about Eric, and he wasn't then, so he wouldn't be now. I don't know what I was thinking."

"You're babbling," I laugh, "That's usually my territory." I make a face at Eric before continuing. "And although I knew he'd be thrilled – I seriously think he's wanted this since we were about twelve and he realized how happy Keith makes you – I'm glad that he's made sure you know that, too."

She laughs. "He's going to be very surprised to see you tonight. He is definitely not expecting you at all."

"Well, good, I want this to be a total surprise. He was always the one who was good at planning surprises, so it is super nice to turn the tables on him for a change."

"This will definitely be a surprise," she confirms.

"Oooh, I can't wait!" I enthuse, "Sucks that we have to wait until after the game, though!"

The game goes well; Lucas's team loses, but he has a fantastic game, getting a lot of playing time and playing very well. He looks happy and good out there, so that's enough for me.

We wait for him after the game, and I'm so excited I'm practically dancing around. When he comes down the hallway, I squeal and tug on Jason's arm. He just laughs at me, pushing me towards him.

"Luke!" I shout, thrilled to see him.

"Hales? My God, what are you doing here? I didn't – damn, did I know you were coming?"

"No, it's a surprise!" I beam, hugging him hard. "I missed you!"

"I missed you, too! I can't believe you kept this a surprise, though. I just talked to you yesterday, and you usually spill these things," he teases me.

"Hey, I can keep a secret," I inform him indignantly, hugging him again. "Merry Christmas, did you get your presents?"

He laughs, "Yeah, I did, and I loved all of them, but especially the scrapbook. Thanks, Hales. Dan told me you gave him one, too."

"I did. I figured he didn't have many pictures of you, and probably none of you and Nathan together. It seemed like a nice thing to do for the guy who practically gave me my car for free."

"You're such a softie," he grins, "So, you gonna introduce me to your boyfriend?"

"How'd you know?"

He rolls his eyes. "Well, I've seen him before," he reminds, "And besides, he's not Tim, and you haven't talked about hanging out with any other guys."

"Oh. Right. Yeah, come on." I grab his hand and drag him the short distance over to Jason. "Luke, this is my boyfriend, Jason," I introduce them, smiling, "And Jase, this is Luke, one of my favorite people in the world."

"It's nice to meet you," Luke says, offering his hand. I'm not sure how Luke feels about meeting Jason. He never wants to hear me talk about him, but I think a big part of that is that he feels disloyal to Nathan.

Jason takes it, shaking it firmly. "Nice to meet you also. Hale has told me a lot about you."

"Yeah, likewise." Luke turns back to me. "So, what's going on with you? Talked to any of the old gang lately?"

I'm confused as to why he so abruptly turned away from Jason whose arm I instinctively take. "Uh, no, not really. Well, Jake, last week."

"Oh. Thought Nathan had said something about talking to you last week. For Christmas." I can't believe he's being such an ass. "Oh, that's not a secret, is it?" he asks pointedly, looking – shit, maybe even glaring – at Jason.

"Luke? What is wrong with you?" Karen and Keith are both frowning at him as he takes Eric from Keith.

"Nothing, there is nothing wrong with me. I was just asking Hales a question. I don't see how that is such a big deal."

"I didn't know you were my keeper," I joke, trying to diffuse the tension. He just shakes his head, not willing to give an inch on this – whatever it is. "Luke, what's going on?"

He passes Eric back to Karen, and grabs my arm, pulling me off to the side. "Look, I can't do this, Hales. I can't pretend like you can."

"Pretend what?" I hiss, starting to get upset with him, "What are you accusing me of pretending?"

"Pretending that Nathan doesn't exist, that his feelings don't matter."

"God, you're more of an ass about this than Nathan is," I spit out, "I know he's my brother, but you and I, Luke, we grew up together. We know each other inside out. How dare you treat me like this, and more important, how dare you treat Jason like this? He's been nothing but good for me."

He sighs, looking at least slightly contrite. "Hales, I have nothing against him, I don't, other than I know his mere existence hurts Nathan."

I turn away from him, still pissed and not willing to be easily placated right now. "Luke, I love Jason. I'm sorry – no, you know what? I'm not sorry. He's a good guy, and he treats me wonderfully. If you can't accept that, then we'll go."

"No, no, stop. I'm sorry. I'll apologize to him."

I sigh, swiveling to look at him. "That's not good enough, Luke! Are you going to treat him like shit for the time we're here? Because if you are, we'll leave. I mean it; I'm not doing that to him and I'm not doing it to me."

"Look, I'll be cool. Hey, I'll even try and get to know him, okay? Please don't be mad at me, Hales. I shouldn't have acted like such a dick."

"No, you shouldn't have," I agree, "This is ridiculous. God, if Nathan and I can talk about Jason not only civilly, but in a friendly manner, I think you can swing being nice to him for a couple of hours."

He nods. "Yeah, of course. Look, Hales, I shouldn't tell you this, but Nathan isn't as fine as he pretends with you. I guess I'm just defensive of him."

"He doesn't need you to be defensive, Luke. He's a grown man, he can take care of himself. And if he has a problem with me, then he should tell me himself, not have you act it out in this ridiculously, childish manner."

He leans against the wall, sliding down so he's sitting. I do the same next to him. "I'm sorry. You're right, I know you are. Look, let's go rescue your boyfriend from Mom and Keith."

"He's fine with them," I tell him, "They actually have given him a chance and like him."

He blushes. "Point taken. Come on," he says, standing up, "Let's go start this over. I promise to make an effort to get to know him."

"No snide remarks, I mean it. I will walk out." He nods at my warning. "Okay, then, let's go."

We walk back around the corner to where Jason is waiting with Keith and Karen. He's holding Eric, which makes me smile. Karen and Keith both fix disapproving looks on Luke, who still looks chagrined.

He walks over to Jason, holding his hand out again. Jason takes it, but does look wary. "I'm sorry about earlier," Luke apologizes, not even mumbling, "I was being an ass, and hopefully we can get past that and get to know each other."

"Uh, yeah, that'd be great," Jason agrees. He glances at me and I shrug, still a little confused about why Luke has taken up Nathan's cause so suddenly.

"Well," Karen interjects, "We should get to dinner. Eric is going to need to be put to bed soon, and none of you want to see him when that happens."

"Hey, he's pretty good now," Jason grins.

"He's a Scott," Luke boasts, "Scotts are always good." Keith nods, and Karen and I glare at him.

"Luke, I could run through a list of all the ways Scott men are not good, but I'll spare you," I tease.

"Really, Lucas, who was it who ran out and got a tattoo when they were seventeen for a girl?"

He blushes. "Hey, she was persuasive, what can I say?"

"She still is," I agree, "But seriously, a tattoo?"

"Like you didn't get one," he retorts, and I laugh, shrugging.

"But I never passed myself off as 'good', did I?"

"Okay, I want to hear some embarrassing Haley stories," Jason interjects, "I only hear the embarrassing stuff that Tim or Brooke are witness to."

"Oh, man, there was this one time," Luke begins, and I look over and smile at Karen.

Maybe this will be alright.

Two days later at lunch, Lucas and Jason are acting like they've been best friends forever. Turns out they both have a deep and abiding love for all things Steinbeck, so they're discussing 'The Grapes of Wrath' or something while I drift off thought-wise.

As much as I love both of them, this conversation is doing absolutely nothing for me. Of course, at this point, they can talk about whatever they want for all I care since they are getting along so well. Lucas even pulled me aside to tell me that he really likes Jason, and can see why I'm with him, which shocked me to no end considering the first couple of days here.

"Hales, you remember when we ten and had reading contests during the summer?" I just groan at his dorky memory of us. He turns to Jason. "We used to compete over who could get through the summer reading list fastest. I always won."

"That's something to be proud of," I mock.

"Hey, now, Miss Know It All Tutor Girl," he brats back at me, "You were every bit as dorky as I was."

"Never said I wasn't," I laugh, leaning against Jason who kisses my forehead, "But I'm also not bragging about my dorkiness, and similarly, I'm not tattling about my supposed best friends."

Jason laughs. "You two are too much."

"Crap, you guys," Lucas sighs looking at his watch, "I've got to go. Got to meet with the team; we're leaving in an hour."

"Aww, so soon?" I whine, standing up. Jason stands up, too.

"Yeah, I'm sorry, but I have to go. Hey, this was really great, though. I'm glad I got to spend the down time between games with both of you." He hugs me. "It was really great to meet you officially, Jason. Uh, twice, that is."

Jason laughs good-naturedly. "It was nice to meet you, too. The second time, I mean," he laughs. They shake hands while I roll my eyes at them.

"It was good to see you, Lucas. You need to get back to Tree Hill more often," I reprimand him. "I guess I won't see you until the wedding, huh?"

He nods. "Well, that's only five months away. May isn't too far down the road."

"Yeah, well, it's far enough," I mutter. He hugs me again. "Okay, I love you, be good, stop running through girls like they're pairs of socks, and eat your vegetables," I laugh, kissing his cheek.

"I'll miss you, Hales. You be good, too."

"Always am." Both Jason and Luke smirk at that. "Brats."

"Take care of her," Luke says to Jason as they do the manly handshake/hug combo thing that I never did understand, "She think she's tough like a lion, but she's really just soft like a kitty."

"If we were ten," I warn Luke, as Jason laughs, "I'd kick you in the shin."

"Liar," he retorts, "If your boyfriend wasn't here and you didn't want to embarrass yourself, you'd kick me."

"Whatever." I hug him one last time. "Now get out of here, I don't want you blaming me because you're late. I love you, Lukie!"

He grins at me as he turns around and walks away. Jason wraps his arms around me, kissing my neck. "You okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine. I got to see him for a few days, and now I get to go home with you." I look over my shoulder smiling at him.

"Good answer," he laughs, "So, you ready to head back home?"

"Yes, as a matter of fact I am. It'll be nice to sleep in my own bed tonight."

"Yours, huh? I was going to invite you to stay in mine?"

I laugh. "Are you inviting me to shack up at the frat house?"

"Hey, you have a standing invitation to stay with me all the time." He turns me around and kisses me. "I love you."

"I love you, too."

How did everything get so good all of a sudden? Oh, who cares, I'll just enjoy it while it lasts.


	11. Heart of the Matter

**A/N: I've started a new story, and I've already got about 3 chapters written, but I could really use a beta on this one. I need some serious advice, and since it will involve major overuse of flashbacks, I'll need help keeping my stuff straight! If you'd like to volunteer (and be my super-awesome friend forever! I know! Exciting, right?), please email at **** . Thank you in advance!**

**PS...Erm, it won't be Naley, so if that's not cool, just a head's up!**

**Chapter Eleven – _Heart of the Matter_**

_I'm learning to live without you now_

_But I miss you, baby_

_The more I know, the less I understand_

_All the things I thought I figured out, I have to learn again_

_I've been tryin' to get down to the heart of the matter_

_But everything changes_

_And my friends seem to scatter_

_But I think it's about forgiveness_

_Forgiveness_

_Even if, even if you don't love me anymore – _Don Henley

May, 2008

Karen and Keith are getting married today. As maid of honor, this should be foremost on my mind right now, but all I can think of is the fact that Nathan will be here. Nathan will be here with a date. Nathan will be here with a date, and I'll be here with Jason, and I'm sure it'll be awkward and maybe a little painful. I still don't want to see him with another girl even though I have and love Jason.

"Hales!" Lucas shouts, "Hales, get your ass down here!"

I roll my eyes, glancing at Karen who is trying to suppress a grin. "He's pushy today," she laughs.

"Today? Geez. I think he's just really excited for you guys to get married," I tell her as I help her fasten her necklace, "He's been waiting for you two to figure it out for a long, long time."

"Well, he's not the only one who is excited," she smiles, basically giddy, "This is – well, I know it will be a great day!"

"Of course it will," I grin, so happy for her. She's been like a mother to her, and her happiness means a lot to me.

"Oh, honey, you look beautiful!" she exclaims, I guess noticing for the first time that I've got my dress and I'm all ready to go. "That color is just lovely on you."

The dress is a deep red color, strapless and form-fitting, falling to mid knee. Karen will be carrying red flowers that match my dress, and I'll be carrying ivory flowers that match hers. The wedding was supposed to be held inside, but it is just gorgeous outside, and at the last minute this morning, Karen decided to have a small area set up in the garden so that it could be held outside.

Lucas comes barging in, probably tired of us not answering. "Wow, Mom, you look great," he grins, as he tries to catch his breath, "Keith is gonna die."

"Well, I certainly hope he doesn't!" I exclaim, and Karen laughs. Luke turns to me, his jaw dropping wide open as he sees me.

"Damn, Hales, you look hot. I – I – I mean, you know, for a best friend, and all," he stutters, trying to play it off.

I step closer to him, kissing him on the cheek. "I'll give you two a minute alone."

I walk down the stairs and take a seat in the hall, waiting for Lucas and Karen to come downstairs. Keith is out here, and he comes over and sits by me.

"Excited?" I ask, already knowing the answer.

He just looks at me like 'duh'. "I've been waiting for this since I met her," he confirms, "Way back in high school when I was just Dan's plain older brother."

"Long time ago, huh?" I laugh, nudging him.

"Eons," he agrees. "I just feel like all my dreams are coming true now, after all this time. Even after having given up on them so many times. Everything has come together perfectly. Funny how even back when I was sixteen, seventeen, eighteen, I knew what I wanted, where I'd end up."

His words hit me hard, and I think about Nathan. "Some things are just meant to be, Keith, and you and Karen are one of them."

"Yeah, we are," he smiles, happier than I've seen him since Eric was born.

"Okay, now you need to get out of here before Karen comes downstairs in her dress!" I tell him, shooing him out as Deb walks in with Eric.

"Haley!" she exclaims, "You look amazing. Oh, honey, you're beautiful."

I blush at the compliments. "Well, thank you, and you're looking lovely today, too. And you," I say to Eric, "Aren't you my handsome little Scott boy."

"Always had a weakness for those Scott men, huh?" Deb asks, joking.

"Probably too soft of a spot," I nod, brushing my finger over Eric's cheek as I inhale his baby smell. "God, this kid is perfect."

"He is a good baby," Deb concurs. "So, how are you doing today?"

I smile at Eric, but it is partially directed to Deb. I just don't want to look her in the eye – she'll either see that I'm nervous about seeing Nathan and what that means for Jason and I, or she'll see that Jason means so very much to me, and either way, I can't. I just can't show those feelings to her.

"Um, I'm doing good. I'm really excited for Karen and Keith, and I've never been a bridesmaid before," I grin.

"Really? I would've thought with all of your siblings that you would have been in at least one or two weddings."

"Oh, no. I don't know, it never came up," I sigh, "But now I get to do this one, and it's perfect. I can't think of anyone I'd rather stand up for than Karen and Keith."

She smiles, letting me get away with avoiding the subject of Nathan, which I know she wants to bring up. It isn't really a secret that Deb and Dan still wish Nathan and I were together, but luckily neither have been pushy about it.

Lucas comes bounding down the stairs. "Okay, she's finally ready!" he grins, standing beside me and smiling at Eric. "God, Hales, it is freakishly natural for you to have a child in your arms."

I slug him in the arm with my free hand. "Bite your tongue." He laughs. We all quiet down as Karen descends the stairs looking resplendent in her bridal gown.

"Oh, Kar," Deb smiles, tearing up, "You look wonderful. The most beautiful bride ever; Keith won't know what to do!"

I can't stop smiling at her except to direct it briefly at Luke when he puts his arm around my shoulder.

"Deb, can I have a minute with the kids?" Karen asks.

"Of course," Deb smiles, as Lucas bristles at being called 'kid'. I elbow him sharply in the side. Deb leaves, and Karen walks over to us, taking a squirming Eric from me.

"I just wanted to tell you both how much I love you. Haley, you are as much a daughter to me as these two are sons, and I love you with everything that I have."

"Oh, Karen," I whisper, tears springing to my eyes, "You're going to make both of us cry!"

She nods, dabbing at her eyes. "I know, but I can't help it," she cry-laughs. She turns to Luke, smiling with the tears in her eyes. "And Lucas, you've been my rock. Every good decision I've made in my life was because I had you to consider. I love you, baby." She leans over and hugs him, and I wrap my arms around all three of them.

Lucas leans back, looking down so we won't see the tears in his eyes, too. "Well, let's go add a member to our family, what do you say?"

Karen beams at him. "Let's go." She passes Eric back to me to pass to Deb before taking Luke's arm, and we all step outside ready for the wedding to begin.

Deb takes Eric, and as the music begins, walks down the aisle with him. Since it is a small ceremony, Lucas and I are the only attendants, so I'm next. I see Nathan out of the corner of my eye in the front row sitting next to Dan and a very, very blonde girl I assume is his date, so I avert my gaze to the bride's side where Jason is sitting with Brooke and Tim and give them a wide smile.

Brooke waves at me, giving me the thumbs up, probably because I left my hair the way she'd done it this morning. As I approach the aisle, I grin at Keith and can't resist giving him a hug and a kiss on the cheek. I take my place to the side of the altar and turn, waiting expectantly for Karen and Luke.

They approach slowly, Karen smiling and waving at everyone as she passes them. I catch Nathan's eye again, and this time I can't look away, so we share a brief moment. I actually feel like I travel back through time a little to our wedding, so many years ago now. It wasn't like this – not even close. But it was special and romantic, and I can't help but remember it fondly.

I'm so focused on Nathan that I let out a scream when something hits me in the legs, almost knocking me over. It's Eric – he's apparently squirmed away from Deb, so I bend down and pick him up. Keith reaches over and tousles his hair, laughing at us.

"Hey, buddy, there's mommy," I tell him, pointing. He just laughs and waves his arms up and down, eliciting laughs from everyone's whose eyes aren't on Karen.

The ceremony passes in a blur. I tear up at several points, and I laugh and cheer at others. It is truly the perfect wedding ceremony. When the minister finally pronounces them man and wife, Keith has Karen lifted in his arms before he can even receive the instruction to kiss his bride.

Eric cries out for Karen, who takes him from me before they walk down the aisle together. Luke steps over to me, offering me his arm.

"They finally did it," he beams.

"I know. Remember when we were about eight, and we decided that they should just do it? Just go ahead and get married?" I ask as we start back down the aisle. I blow Jason a kiss as we walk past him.

He groans, "It only took twelve years. Can you believe that?"

"Everything works out the way it is supposed to in the end. I think that is the moral of the story."

"Yeah, maybe."

When we get to where Karen and Keith are with Eric, they pull us into a group hug, and I start to cry. I can't help it – I've never felt nearly as much a part of my own family as I do this one. I excuse myself, stepping out the door on the opposite side of the building, knowing I'll have a few minutes to compose myself before Lucas or Jason come looking for me.

"Hey, Haley J," he says from behind me. I wipe my tears away, turning to face him.

I manage a tremulous smile in his direction before I turn away, looking down. "Hey, Nathan, nice wedding, huh?"

"Yeah, very," he agrees, "But nice weddings don't make you cry like this. What's going on?"

"Nothing, really. I mean, well, it's silly. But when Karen and Keith hugged Lucas and Eric after the wedding, they pulled me in, too, and I just – they're my family. They are more my family than the people I'm related to genealogically. Isn't that weird?"

He lays a hand on my arm, and I again turn towards him. "I don't think its weird, I think it is nice. They love you, Haley, and I know you love them. What's weird about that?"

"I don't know, maybe the weird part is that my 'real' family has no use for me."

"They never did know what they were missing," he assures me. "Besides, you're too good for any of them, anyways," he says, crinkling his nose, getting me to giggle.

"Come on, everyone will be wondering where we are."

I start back inside, but he stops with his next remark. "You are afraid your pretty boy will get jealous or something?"

"Nathan," I sigh, "It's not that. But he will be looking for me, and I could kind of use a hug right now, so if you don't mind."

He moves closer to me, grabbing my hand and pulling me into a hug. "There was a time when my hugs were good enough for you."

"Nathan, stop. You have a date, who for all I know is way more than that, and I have Jason. I don't think this is the time or place to hash things out in terms of us."

"I just wanted to know why my hugs aren't enough now, that's all."

I sigh, stepping away. "I didn't say they weren't good enough, did I? One has nothing to do with the other," I point out.

"Okay. Look, I'll be here for the next week, and I want to see you. Just us, sometime when and where we won't be interrupted."

I don't know if this is a good idea, but I agree to it anyways, telling him he can call me and we'll figure something out. Of course, it is better than sitting out here when we've both got people waiting for us.

"Yeah, I will do that," he promises. He turns and heads back inside, and I relish having a few minutes of my own.

I move over to a window and check my reflection; wouldn't be so great if I walked back in with raccoon eyes or my face beet red. The door opens, and I don't turn to see who it is, afraid it'll be Nathan again, and I just don't know if I can do this right now.

"Hey, sexy Tutor Girl." Thank God.

"Hey Tigger," I grin, turning around to see her, "Do I look okay? Karen and Keith got me crying after we walked back down the aisle at the end of the ceremony, and I'm afraid I've got mascara everywhere. And this window is doing me no good."

"And you are babbling," she cheerfully points out.

"And that," I agree.

"So, does this have something to do with Nathan having just been out here? I mean, he leaves, you're a mess, et cetera et cetera?"

I shake my head, relieved that it is true. "Oh, no, really. We're saving that for a later date – I told him he could call me this week and we could get together to discuss things," I sigh deeply.

"Alright. Well, you look fine. You ready to head back to the party?"

"As I'll ever be," I smile, and we walk inside, gabbing about how great the ceremony was. Brooke thought it was adorable when Eric squirmed away from Deb and demanded I pick him up. "He threw himself at me like a sack of bricks. I'm lucky I didn't fall down!" I tell her.

She laughs. "Oh, and that wasn't why it was so great? I hope the photographer got a shot of that, because the look on your face was priceless." I won't even tell her that in addition to the photographer, there was a videographer taping it all.

We walk in, and Brooke drags me over to where Tim and Jason are sitting. "Hey gorgeous," Jason smiles, standing up to kiss me, "You look amazing, baby."

I move into his arms, laying my head on his shoulder. "You look good yourself," I whisper. He does look damn fine in his suit, and it makes me wonder how I'd survive seeing him in one every day if we're still together when he starts practicing law. And now I have to wonder where that thought came from, since we haven't talked about anything that far into the future.

I chat with them for a few minutes, standing beside Jason's chair as we al talk and laugh. I am sitting at the bridal party table along with the family. Karen had wanted to put Jason there, but I suggested he'd be better off with Brooke and Tim, and away from Nathan. It's not that I think they'll fight or even talk, but I'm a baby and I'd rather not spend this entire reception being uncomfortable over what they might do. Karen is waving me over now, so I lean down and kiss Jason again and give Brooke and Tim hugs, and head back over.

Lucas holds out a chair for me, and I grin at him as I sit down. "You okay?" he asks, concerned, "You ran off right after the ceremony."

I nod, reaching over to pat him on the shoulder. "I'm fine, it's just – I was overwhelmed with how much a part of the family I was feeling, and I didn't want to cry about it in front of everyone."

He smiles, understanding. "Okay, I was worried. I saw – well, you know what I saw, and then you stayed out there after that, and then Brooke had to go get you."

I laugh. "Luuukie, I'm fine, I promise. I just needed to process things, and you know I hate to cry in front of people I don't know or barely know."

"Or anyone," he snorts, rolling his eyes at me.

"Yeah, them, too."

"So, why isn't Jason over here?" he asks curiously. Obviously he knows his mom and Keith like him, and would've welcomed him here, and since Nathan's date will be sitting here with him, it stands to reason he's curious.

I lean closer. "I figured it'd be easier. I mean, I don't expect trouble, but you never know, right?"

"Well, good thinking, I suppose. We don't need trouble today. Hey, have you seen Jake and Jenny? I talked to him a few weeks ago, and he said he'd try and make it. I didn't see him before the ceremony, but I was hoping they'd snuck in."

"I haven't seen them," I tell him, figuring it would've been too hard for Jake to travel all this way with a three year old.

Just then, the deejay tells everyone it is time to take their seats. I end up sitting between Dan and Luke, which is fine, great even, but the only two seats left at our table are right across from, and will go to Nathan and his bimbo date.

"You look lovely, Haley," Dan smiles at me, before he begins asking Luke and I some questions about things we did growing up. It is still so weird to watch him make any kind of effort to be fatherly towards Luke.

Nathan and his date approach the table, and they stand there while Nate introduces her to Luke, Karen, Keith, and I. Her name is Shawna, which fits my prejudiced bimbo notion, and she talks like a twelve year old talks to a two year old – baby talk. It's awful. Even Nathan looks disturbed by it.

"And this is Haley," he introduces, and I reach my hand across the table to shake hers, "She's my ex-girlfriend."

"Nice to meet you," I murmur, smiling softly at her.

"Um, yeah, nice to meet you, too." She looks confused, like Nathan didn't tell her that an ex would be at the wedding at all, let alone sitting at the same table with them.

"So, that was a beautiful ceremony," Deb sniffles. "I can't believe how beautiful it was," she marvels.

"Well, thank you," Karen beams, "We're just happy to finally have it done with!"

Keith grins at her. "Aren't we, though?" Eric bounces happily on his laugh. He leans over and kisses Karen.

"You guys are so cute," I laugh. Conversation is mostly focused on Karen and Keith, of course, and Lucas and I kind of hold a little side conversation on whether or not I'll hook him up with a girl from one of my study groups while he's in town, so I don't really have to interact with Nathan or Shawna the Bimbo.

"Come on, Hales," Luke pleads, "Do you know how long it has been since I've had a date?"

"So? I'm not your pimp, Lucas, you can find your own date," I laugh, "You're the big basketball star, I thought you had women crawling all over you."

"He's already been through all those," Nathan jumps in, teasing him.

"Shut up," Luke growls.

"Sensitive much?" I tease, too, elbowing him. He wraps an arm around my shoulder.

"You're a brat, Hales. You always have been, you still are, and dammit, you probably always will be," he laughs.

"I would kick your butt, but this is your mom's wedding so I'll restrain myself," I tell him in a mock self-righteous manner.

He hugs me tighter. "I missed you, even if you are a brat," he decides, "But I'm going to harass you until you hook me up with Sarah. You know that, right?"

I roll my eyes. "We'll see."

"We'll see? Eh, if that's all I'm going to get right now, I'll take it."

"That's all," I laugh.

"Fine with me, then," he laughs, too. "Hey, if you can't hook me up with your school buddy, hook me up with Brooke."

"God, Luke!" I groan, rolling my eyes.

He laughs. "I was mostly kidding."

"Yeah," Nathan chimes in, "You know he's still scared of her, right? She could kick his ass, and he knows it."

"Seriously, Luke, stay away from Brooke. I mean it."

He pouts. "You know, there used to be a time when I was the one you were all protective of, and now that person is Brooke Davis. What the hell happened?

"Sorry, but Brooke doesn't need to be played by you again," I tell him, sweetly, "And I'm not going to let you screw around with one of my best friends."

He shakes his head. "What if she wants it? What if she can't resist me?" he laughs.

Nathan laughs and I roll my eyes. Shawna sits there looking lost. "She won't. She can, and she will."

"You're heartless, Haley James. The least you could do is hook your best friend up with a hot girl or two."

"Or twelve, right?"

"Well, I normally stop at five, but twelve might be doable," he laughs.

I shake my head at him. "Lucas, you are way too much."

Our conversation is interrupted by the deejay announcing that it is time for Karen and Keith's first dance as newlyweds. They step out, dancing to 'Through the Years' by Kenny Rogers, one of those clichéd songs that get overused at weddings, but in this case, it is truly the perfect song. They look so happy and radiant out there, swirling around, and I can't help but sigh at how perfect it is.

I'm turned around, and I catch Jason's eye. His smile widens when he sees I'm watching him, and he nods his head at me. I excuse myself from the table, and make my way over to where he sits with Brooke and Tim.

"Tutor Girl!" Brooke grins as I approach. Tim turns around and smiles at me.

"Hey James," he greets, "You're looking hot." He winks at me and laughs when Jason glares at him.

"Get your own beautiful woman, Tim," Jason growls, pulling me down into his lap. "This one is mine, and I don't really feel like sharing with you."

I laugh, kissing Jason on the cheek. "You guys having a good time?"

"Yeah," Brooke says, "Although it would be better if there was more alcohol flowing through this place." Tim nods.

"Yeah, well, tough it out," I tell them, grinning. "And what about you?" I ask Jason.

"I am having a very good time now," he grins, "You really do look beautiful, you know. I have half a mind to drag you off and find a deserted closet or something."

I laugh, and am about to retort when Karen and Keith's dance ends, and the room fills with applause.

"Crap, I have to go make a toast now," I say, jumping off Jase's lap. I lean down and give him a quick kiss, waving at Brooke and Tim, and then hurry back to my table.

Nathan is glaring at me, so I avoid his gaze and focus on Luke. He smiles at me, asking if I'm ready to give my speech.

"Am I ever ready for this kind of thing? You know how I feel about public speaking," I remind him.

He nods. "I had hoped you got over it. I hate seeing you all nervous and stressed over something so simple."

I smack him. "Leave me alone. You aren't exactly making it any better," I point out.

"You'll be great, Hales. I know that whatever you say will be fine."

"It isn't so much the words that I'm worried about, as it is actually managing to say them in a decent fashion."

"You'll be fine." I nod, trying to believe him.

The deejay announces us, and Luke and I make our way up to the deejay booth so that we can speak into the microphones. He grabs my hand and squeezes it, which is vaguely reassuring.

I take the microphone first, both to get it over with and to let Luke go first. I smile at Karen and Keith, trying to calm my nerves.

"I've known both Karen and Keith since I was very little. In fact, they are both very much like parents to me now as well as friends. I love you both dearly. You have shared so much with me, and made my life so much better, and I thank you for that.

"But I remember when we were about eight, Lucas and I. Lucas wanted you to get married so badly," I smile, pausing as he blushes and everyone laughs, "And his idea was contagious, and once I got it in my head, I made Lucas enact what their wedding would be like with my Barbies." His face turns even redder, if possible, and he glares at me as everyone laughs even harder this time. "But our play weddings had nothing on this. This was beautiful, it was right, and it was about damn time! To Karen and Keith!"

"Cheers!" everyone echoes.

Lucas grins, taking the microphone from me. "Well, now that Hales has aired out some of my dirty laundry, I guess it's my turn. I'll be short, because I know it is more fun to be dancing and drinking and eating.

"Really, all I want to say is that there are very few people I can think of that belong to more than Mom and Keith, and that I'm thrilled they finally realized it. Like Hales said, we've been waiting for them to figure it out forever. And now that they haven't, I couldn't be more happy for them. To Mom and Keith!"

"Cheers!" we all cry again.

When we get back to the table, Karen and Keith hug us both about fifty times. Karen tells us over and over again how much she loves us, and we tell her we feel the same way. Keith finally makes her let us go, and drags her back out to the dance floor, encouraging us and everyone else to dance also. Dan asks me to dance, and while surprised, I accept.

"You know, I've thanked you for all you've done for Nathan, but I don't think I ever did for everything you've done for Luke. It is very obvious that you are his rock, and you always have been."

I laugh, "Well, him and Karen have both been my rocks, so I guess if I can do the same for them, that's a good thing."

"You obviously have," he says kindly.

"Thank you," I reply graciously. We chat quietly for the rest of the dance, both avoiding the subject that we both want to bring up.

He walks me back to the table, and after sharing a dance with Lucas, I walk over and grab Jason and drag him on the dance floor, despite his protests.

"You know I hate dancing," he sighs, "The things I do for you."

I laugh. "Yeah, like it such a hardship, the things you do for me," I retort, pulling his arms around me. In turn, I wrap mine around his neck, stepping closer to him.

"So, you didn't choke on the speech like you thought," he comments, "That was very nice, actually. You could tell Karen and Keith really liked it."

I'm about to respond when another dancing couple jostles us. I glance to see who it is, and it is Nathan and the bimbo. He says, "Oh, _so_ sorry." Very sarcastic and not even bothering to hide his glare. I sigh, looking away from him, instinctively moving closer to Jason, which only causes Nathan's eyes to narrow further.

"We can sit down," Jason whispers, hopeful sounding.

I can't help it – I laugh. "You can't use that as an excuse to get out of dancing with me, Jase!"

He laughs, too. "Hey, I figured it was worth a try. Plus, you laughed, and that is always a good thing. You okay?"

"Why wouldn't I be? Nathan can be as much of a dickhead as he wants, but I am not going to let him bother me on a day like this."

He shakes his head. "Can I hit him?" he asks hopefully.

"Jason," I gasp, pretending to be scandalized, but knowing he's kidding, "You may not do anything that causes a scene here!"

"Can I kiss you?"

"You just want to do that to cause a scene?" I smile up at him.

He leans down and kisses me, not bothering to answer my question. "No, I just love you, and I just wanted to kiss you."

"Oh," I sigh, laying my head on his chest, "Okay."

He laughs, splaying his hands across my back. The song ends, and we step off the dance floor and outside by unspoken agreement.

"I can't believe how warm it is out here," I remark, taking his hand. "It's a nice day for a wedding."

"It's a nice day for you to be wearing that sexy little thing you're calling a dress," he grins, reaching for me.

I step to him eagerly and press my lips to his. "Maybe it's a nice day to take this dress off," I tell him, but can't help myself from laughing. Jason looks like he's ready to take it off for me, but he laughs, too.

"Isn't this cozy," a bored voice remarks from the doorway. I know without looking that it is Nathan, and judging by the way he tenses, so does Jason.

Not moving away from Jason, I raise my head to look at Nathan. "Can we help you?" I ask, probably sounding cold.

"Oh, no, really, don't mind me," he says snidely, "I'll just hang out here and enjoy the show."

I finally break away from Jason and march up the steps and stand toe to toe with Nathan. His nearness affects me, but I don't let that on. "You know what, Nathan Scott? You're being a big jerk. How dare you come here and be such an ass? Especially after how much progress we've made! God." I huff off through the doors, forgetting for a moment I left Jason behind.

But he's following me, stopping only to say something to Nathan. "You know, she's never said one single bad thing about you, and she'd never treat you like this."

He slams through the door, looking surprised to see me there. "Oh, Hale, you okay?"

I nod, sighing. "Just pissed. Thank you for saying that. I doubt it makes any difference, but thank you for trying. I love you."

"Back atcha," he smiles, taking my hand. "Come on, there is probably more wedding...uh, stuff, I don't know...going on."

I laugh. "You mean, like cutting the cake, throwing the bouquet, the garter, and all that stuff?"

He nods, looking overwhelmed. "Yeah, I think that stuff sounds right."

"You're cute when you're confused."

He shakes his head, "I'm not confused, I'm just...I don't know, I guess that a lot of stuff goes into all this wedding stuff. It's just weird that so much hinges on one day, you know?"

"Are you saying you don't want to get married?" I ask, surprised. Jason is such a family guy that getting married seemed like it was a no-brainer for him.

"Well, no, not at all. Weddings are just so – well, much, basically. So much planning, so much money, so much effort. It just seems like a lot of work for something that only lasts one day."

I laugh at him. "Men never get it," I say it with such superiority that we both crack up laughing. "What? It's true."

"Then why do so many men go through with the big shindigs?"

"Did you say 'shindigs'?" I laugh. He nods, shaking his head at me as I laugh. "I can't believe you. And men go through with them because they know what's good for them in terms of appeasing the woman they are going to marry."

"They're wusses," he says bluntly, and I laugh, but refrain from commenting. Instead, I grab his hand and drag him back inside, and dance with him again. "This is your punishment for being so down on weddings," I inform him.

"I'm not down on weddings," he says, defending himself from my evil eye, "I know I'd do it for the right woman." He leans down and kisses me – a kiss filled with promise and hope and expectation. When he pulls away, I feel dazed, but I manage to smile up at him.

I get his meaning – I'm not stupid or completely oblivious to the world around me. But the thing is, I don't know what to do with it. Besides, it isn't like he is asking or anything. Not yet, anyways.

"I'm coming over, Haley."

"Wow, no 'hello', no 'how do you do', no may I come over? Just a dictate, and an expectation that I'll bend to your will? Really nice, Nathan, especially after the wedding."

"I'm on my way." That's all he says, and then he hangs up.

"Shit," I curse, pissed off. I can't believe he still thinks I owe him a talk after the way he behaved at the wedding.

Compulsively, I check myself out in the mirror, needing to look my best. I actually rush to change clothes into something a little more – well, racy – I don't know why. It's not for him, it really isn't. Maybe I just want to show off what isn't his anymore, I don't know. No matter what, though, I have the feeling this is going to end horribly.

I'm pacing around, making myself more nervous, so I go outside and sit on the porch, waiting for him. He pulls up in his dad's car, and jumps out, striding towards me.

"Do you want to do this out here or in the house?" he asks tersely.

I glare at him, matching his attitude with some of my own. "Damn it, Nathan, I don't want to do this at all. I owe you nothing now. You should just leave."

"Out here it is then," he smirks.

"Screw you," I spit out, growing angrier by the minute.

"Been there, done that, huh?"

"What the hell is wrong with you, Nathan? Why are you doing this to me? You knew – _you knew_ – about Jason, you knew that he and I are together! Why would you act like this towards me?"

He throws his hands up in the air. "Because you're mine, Haley! Because I love you, because I want you, and because I know you feel the same. I know you won't admit it, and God, I'm not even going to try and force you to because I already know, but why do you have to throw this in my face?"

I turn away from him, deflated now. "Nathan," I begin quietly, "I love Jason. I don't know how or when it happened, but I do. He's so good for me, he means so much to me."

"Yeah, I get that," he mutters, kicking a loose board on the deck. "But that doesn't mean you love me any less."

"A part of me will always love you, Nathan." I can't deny that, but I'm also not going to get into which part of me that is. I just can't do that – there might be too many people who won't like the answer. At least one, no matter what.

"It's more than that," he quietly asserts, "You and I both know that. We belong together. You and me, we're good together, we're good for each other. Come on, Haley." He sits down beside me, close, but not yet touching.

"Nathan, I can't do this. I don't even want to talk about this now."

"So, what? You're going to push me out, not let me even talk to you anymore? That's bullshit, Haley, and you know it."

"No, it isn't, Nathan! We broke up almost two damn years ago! Two years! Maybe you still hate me for the reason I broke up with you, but that was a long time ago! I waited almost a year before I moved on! I don't know what you want me to do for you!"

He shakes his head. "I want you to love me, Haley. Is that so much to ask?"

"I don't even like you very much right now, Nathan. Why are you doing this? Things are going so well for me; I'll be at Duke in the fall with Brooke and Tim, and Jason will be there. Jason, my boyfriend."

"I don't care, Haley! I don't care that things are going well for you – they'd be better with me in them, better with me in your life!"

I can't help it – the tears fall, wrecking the makeup I'd rushed to perfect when he called. "Nathan," I moan, "I can't do this with you. It's too hard, I just can't."

He leans over and kisses me, hard. I am too stunned to pull away at first, and then I'm admittedly caught up in the kiss. He pulls me onto his lap, and when his hand starts to creep under my shirt, I snap out of this spell that has been woven around us.

"Nathan, we can't?" I gasp out, wincing when it comes out more like a question.

"Haley, we can. I love you, you love me, what more do we need? Baby this is so right, this – you and me, we're right."

Tears slide down my cheeks and he reaches up to brush them off. "Nathan, we can't. I'm sorry, I don't want to hurt you in any way, but I can't do this now."

"Is it because of him?" he ask bitterly, "Because I'm willing to do anything, Haley, I mean, anything for you. If I have to come back here, I will."

I jump off his lap like I've been burned. "God, Nathan, that is exactly what I don't want for you. That is exactly what I've never wanted for you! That is why I broke up with you in the first place – I hold you back! I refuse – _refuse_ – to do that to you!"

He stands up slowly, grabbing my shoulders so I face him. "What if it is what I want, Haley J? Does that even matter to you, baby?"

"Nathan, you know it does, but I'm not letting you throw your future away for me." I shake my head when he starts to protest. "I just can't do that to you, I can't. And I can't do that to myself!" I exclaim, "Do you know how scared I would be constantly that you would grow to hate me?"

"I would never hate you, Haley! God, I watch you dancing with that damn pretty boy, and all I can think of is how much I love you, how much I want you."

I'm shaking. This is all so overwhelming for me, which is stupid since Nathan and I have had this argument several times the last two years.

"I can't do this," I whisper harshly, whirling away from him and stomping into the house, "Get out of here!"

He stands there, and then he has to go and break my heart by crying. "Haley J, please, please don't end it like this," he pleads, "God, I'm begging you." He falls down on his knees in front of me, and the pieces of my already shattered heart shatter further.

"Nathan," I cry, letting him wrap his arms around my middle as he lays his head on my stomach, "Nathan, stop, please, you're breaking my heart."

"You've already broken mine," he cries.

"Why do we keep doing this to ourselves?" I ask him, trying to sound calm and in control. "This isn't getting us anywhere, Nathan."

He wipes his eyes, moving away from me. He nods. "Yeah, but I had to give it one more try before I gave you up forever, Haley. Because this is it – I cannot beg you anymore. I might not have much pride left, but what I do have – it won't let me do this to myself again. This is the last chance, Haley, our last chance. Please."

He says it so simply, like the solution is just that easy, but we both know it isn't. In fact, it is anything but simple. I don't even understand why he expects that I should be able to drop everything and run to him, why he thinks the reasons for breaking up have changed when nothing at all has changed. I don't understand.

"I can't," I tell him, firmly, calmly even. But I'm shaking like a leaf on the inside. I pray he doesn't see it. I know that if he does, he'll pounce on that weakness and break me.

"Goodbye then, Haley. I hope I never see you again."

As I watch him walk off, I marvel at the power that one man has to hurt me. Logically, I know he doesn't mean that. He can't. Still, though, it's like his words are this knife always poised to cut me and for him to lower as he pleases.

Why is it so hard to live without him when I still have so much? And why do I still give him this power to disrupt my life like this?

September, 2008

"Jason, where is the box of bathroom stuff?" I yell down the hall to him.

"Baby, I think it hasn't been brought in yet. Want me to grab it?"

"Oooh, would you please?"

"Sure!"

He's so great. Probably a little too great – I am seriously starting to get spoiled by this man, but everything is so idyllic right now that it's hard to imagine it ever being otherwise.

"Hey Tutor Girl!" Brooke bounces into the bedroom where I'm sitting on the floor unpacking me and Jason's clothes and putting them into their drawers. "Happy moving day!"

I laugh, "Why thank you!"

"So how's it going? It's a sty out there, you know that, right?"

"Yeah, I know, and thank you so much for reminding me," I laugh, "That was really, really great of you, Tigger."

"Hey, I aim to please," she curtsies, "So, what can I do to help?"

"Don't you have moving in of your own to do?" I ask, thinking Tim is probably really pissed right now if she ditched him to do all the work.

"Well, I hired movers," she admits sheepishly, "You know, the kind who not only move your stuff, but unpack at the new place, too."

"You lazy brat," I whine, "That is so not fair!"

"I can send them over here when they're done," she volunteers, "I'm sure they wouldn't mind too much!"

"Well, that's a nice offer, but I think Jason and I can manage. With your help, of course," I tell her, smiling winningly and batting my eyes. She rolls her eyes and for her orders. "Could you hang up our clothes? Everything should still be on hangers, so it shouldn't be too hard."

"Only because I love you, best friend," she grins. We work in silence for a few minutes before she turns to me. "You know, how weird is it that Tim and I will be living together? I mean, hello, cat fights galore."

I choke back a laugh. "You know, Tim might not appreciate you calling him out as girly and saying he engages in cat fights."

She shrugs carelessly. "Whatever, he'll get over it. Besides, it isn't like I said it in front of Jamie or anything."

Jamie is a girl that Tim met at the beach this summer. She's really nice, although Brooke and I both get the feeling she isn't thrilled with his best friend situation. I still can't help but like her, especially considering that Tim really likes her a lot.

"Tim might never speak to you if you did," I laugh, "She is the first girl who has really liked him in the last two years."

"They just don't know him like we do," she explains, "I mean, he is certainly not someone I could be with, but he's a good guy and he is even decently cute, too."

"You're getting soft in your old age, Tigger," I tell her, laughing.

"Ha, as if. Anyways, you and Tim are my best friends, and I want both of you to be happy," she smiles, "And I know you want the same for me."

"Of course," I tell her, wondering what she wants. No, scratch that, I wonder who she wants. With Brooke it is usually a who, and that who is usually a male. "Who is it this time?" I wonder aloud.

"Why does it always have to be someone?" she asks, rolling your eyes, "I was actually going to ask if you could start earning your nickname again and tutor me in math. I'm so going to fail without help."

"Tigger," I sigh, "You know I'll help you if I can, but I have got a huge plate with all the ID classes I'll be taken. I have to catch up with the other students in the program." I have explained this a hundred times a hundred ways, but it doesn't seem to penetrate.

"Yeah, but you have a math class, too, right?" she asks. This will be the first semester that none of us have any classes together. Brooke will be focusing surprisingly on the bio type classes that will get her into the vet program – which still boggles the mind of everyone who knows her, and Tim will be taking all the classes he needs for his major of sports medicine.

"It won't be the same math, though," I remind her, "And you know I hate math, right? So you'd just be torturing me if you nagged me into helping you?"

"Yeah, but I do so love torturing you," she laughs, "So this whole thing could work out perfectly for me!"

I roll my eyes. "Oh, Tigger, you're always thinking of yourself, aren't you?"

"Hey, I do what I have to do," she laughs, "And sometimes that spares me from having to think of anyone else. But in this case, I am thinking of both of us." I raise an eyebrow at her, wondering how she figures she's thinking of me. "Girl, you spend too much time with Jason, so I was doing you the favor of getting you some much needed girl time," she explains.

I can't help but laugh. "Oh, you are so full of shit," I tell her, "But I love you anyways. Or maybe because of it."

"Probably the second one," she guesses, laughing, too.

"Shut up," I tell her without heat, "Look, it depends on my schedule. I'm going to be busting my ass, seriously."

She nods. "I know, I just don't want – I don't want us to drift apart or whatever."

Is that what she's worried about? "Brooke, I'm going to see you all the time," I tell her, "We're living in the same apartment complex, and you're my best friend, anyways. I want to see you as much as possible. And for things better than math homework. Anyways, knowing you, you'll find a hot guy in your class to tutor you, and you'd ditch me anyways."

She laughs, "Well, that might be true. I am serious, though. Things are definitely changing, and I don't want our relationship to be one of those things."

"Brooke," I begin, using her name to let her know I'm serious, "Everything changes, and if our relationship is one of them, it doesn't have to be for the worst, right?"

She shrugs. "I guess not. Look, I'm not good with this friendship bullshit. I have always fucked it up, and I'll probably do that again. Maybe I should be happy that these have lasted so long."

"I'm ten more words away from shaking the shit right out of you, Brooke Davis," I warn her, "So knock it off."

She nods, looking sorry. "You're right, I'm acting like an idiot. I just – this is important to me, and I want to make sure I don't screw things up too bad."

I hug her. "Brooke, I love you. You have been an amazing friend the last two years, and honestly, I don't know what I'd have done without you. I know I wouldn't have Jason or Tim, and that would be terrible. And it'd be terrible not to have you. I hope you know that."

She nods again. "I do, but with everything changing right now, it's just hard to remember all the time."

"Well, try. I mean it, I love you, and I'd do anything for you."

She hugs me again. "I love you, too."

I yawn, laying down on the bed that Jason and I will be sharing as of tonight. This is all so scary and fast, but it doesn't feel wrong. I don't know if I can say it feels right, but it definitely doesn't feel wrong. That has to count for something.

"This is insane. I'm going to be living with a boy," I laugh.

"That is pretty weird," she laughs, "I always figured Tim would be first."

"Oooh, burn, and he isn't even here to appreciate it."

"I'll file it away for later."

"Good thinking." We look at each other and burst into laughter. "This is fun," I tell her, "I'm glad you're here helping me, and we're getting oh-so-much done."

"Since we aren't unpacking anyways, what do you say we go make margaritas at my place? Tim went with Jason, so we'll have the place to ourselves."

I laugh, "In that case, forget the tequila, I want rum so we can crank up Jimmy Buffet and dance and sing along with him."

"Yes!" she cheers, "I am so in for that! Let's go."

We each put away the stuff that we were holding and then we lock up and run over to Brooke and Tim's place, which is only a few doors down and up a floor. It'll be great to have them so close by.

"Woo!" Brooke laughs as she spins in a circle. I watch her from the floor; I haven't gotten up since I fell a few minutes ago. "This is so much fun!" she squeals, "I loooove this song!"

I laugh like she said the funniest thing in the world, "Oh, my God, Tigger, I love it, too! See, we're best friends and we like the same songs! We have to stay friends forever!" I tell her this like it solves everything or something.

She drops down on the floor next to me, spilling some of her drink on the brand new carpet. Thank God it isn't white. And that her drink will probably wash out. We both keep laughing, racing to see who can drink the most. We don't even hear the door open to realize someone is in here with us until the music turns off and we look up to see Jason and Tim staring at us.

"Jason!" I grin, holding my arms out for him. He shakes his head at me, bending down to pick him up off the floor.

"How's unpacking going?" he asks, grinning.

"Oh, good," I tell him seriously, "Brookie hired movers, and she sent them over to our place to finish after they finished here. Isn't that nice?"

He shakes his head. "That is nice, Brookie," he mocks, "So, I see we've been setting sail with the Captain this afternoon."

Tim is just shaking his head at us, looking around. "You guys are like a two person wrecking ball."

I try curtsying at him, but end up falling down and landing on Brooke. "Hi Tutor Girl!" she says, laughing, "I know you love me, but get off!"

I roll off of her, and Tim and Jason help us up from the floor. I lean on Jason, whispering, "Let's go home, I want to christen our new place."

"Jesus, James, some of us don't want to hear about that," Tim mutters, glaring at me from where he's trying to get Brooke onto the couch.

"Oops," I laugh, pulling on Jason's arm. He ends up picking me up and tossing me over his shoulder and carrying me back because I stumble so much.

We get into our apartment, and I throw my arms around his neck. "This is our place," I tell him, tugging on his hair until he leans down to kiss me.

"I know, not too bad, huh? Beats shacking at the frat or your parent's house."

"I'm just glad we're together," I tell him, leaning against him. "Love you, Jason." I'm so tired now; all those drinks Brooke and I were chugging are really hitting me.

"You're drunk, baby," he points out the obvious, "And I think you need to go to bed." I try to smile lasciviously at him, but it must not work. "Um, by yourself," he laughs, "I think you need to sleep it off."

I pout. "Stay with me?" I ask as he drops me onto our bed. I thank God I had taken the time to make it earlier.

"Yeah," he smiles, crawling in next to me.

This is good.

Halloween, 2008

They're insane, in my opinion, but Brooke and Tim are hosting a Halloween party. I appreciate it since it is cheaper than going to the bars, but it's pretty crazy to risk your housing for a party. Not that I won't be there, or anything.

This year I've dressed up as a fairy princess since I was too lazy to think of something creative. Basically, I reused the Tinkerbell wings, tiara, and wand, and just added a sparkly pink tube top instead of the green dress. Jason has caved and dressed up as Superman, which I love. He looks adorably hot, and we might be able to have some with that costume later.

He's acting weird, though, which is freaking me out. He's been incredibly busy with law school lately. Apparently it takes a lot of hard work – who knew? So maybe that is contributing to it, but he's been so jumpy and nervous around me that I'm concerned. I know ­– well, I'm pretty sure, anyways – that he isn't cheating on me, so I can at least rule that one out.

I'm dancing with Tim right now, trying to cheer him up. He and Jamie have broken up, and he's pretty upset about it. Usually he's all crazy on the dance floor, just being goofy and having fun, but tonight he is clearly subdued.

I hate to do this, but maybe my problems will distract him from his. "Hey, Tim? What's going on with Jason? He's been acting distracted and nervous and even quiet lately. I can't figure out what's up."

His face pales, and I can tell by the look on his face that he wishes I hadn't asked this. "Uh, I uh, I haven't noticed any of this," he stutters, "I don't really know what you're talking about, James."

"Whatever," I shrug, walking out to the balcony, leaving Tim there by himself. Now I'm really bothered.

"Haley," he calls, following me out, "What's going on?"

"You should know, Tim! Jason has been acting weird for days now, and when I ask you about it, you act weird. Don't ask me what's going, tell me."

"I can't, James. Look, I promise that it isn't anything, okay? Can you believe me?" he asks, pleading.

I shake my head. "Unbelieveable," I growl, "So, basically, you know exactly what is wrong, and you could ease my mind by telling me what is wrong, but you can't even be fucking bothered. Thanks Tim, thanks for nothing."

Turning around, I stomp back in. I choose to ignore everyone and just leave without saying anything. As I walk past Jason, he grabs my arm and pulls me close. "Hey, you okay?"

"No! I'm not okay! You've been all distant and nervous around me lately, and I can't figure out why! Now I know that Tim knows why and won't tell me! And I hate it! I hate being left in the dark, so don't tell me it isn't a big deal!" I yell, all in one breath.

Jason just looks at me, smiling oddly enough. I'm about to tell him to shove his smiling when he drops down on one knee. It doesn't register what he's doing, but it bugs me that he's not fighting with me like I wanted.

He takes a deep breath, grabbing my hands and holding them to him. I start to shake when I finally realize that there are really a limited number of reasons he'd be on his knees. He squeezes my hands and smiles up at me, taking another deep breath. The music is killed, and although I can't tear my gaze away from Jason, I can tell that pretty much all party activity has stopped and all eyes are on us.

"Haley?" he says, finally speaking, "I – you are the most important person in my life, and I know that I want you to be a part of my life forever. I want to spend forever making you as happy as you've made me, as whole as you've made me. You are my whole world, and I know that I will never feel about anyone else as I feel about you. I love you, Haley James. Will you marry me?"

I gasp, even though by that point I knew it was coming. He pulls a velvet ring box out of his pocket, and flips it open. It is beautiful – a platinum band with a princess cut diamond with a small emerald on each side. It isn't the biggest ring in the world, but it is certainly something I would be proud to wear for the rest of my life.

Dropping to my knees in front of him, I wrap my arms around his neck. "Yes, Jason, I'd be so proud to marry you," I tell him, leaning in to kiss.

He breathes a sigh of relief. "Thank God!" He pulls out of our kiss and slides the ring on my finger. I've never worn a ring on this finger, so the weight is weird. Good, but still odd. "It looks good," he laughs, pulling me to him. "I love you, Hale, so much. I will take care of you forever."

"I'll take care of you, too, Jason," I retort, tears streaming down my face. Inevitably, I think of other proposals and long ago marriages, but all I can do is shove those thoughts out of my mind like I've learned to do lately and focus what is here in the present in front of me.

"Can we congratulate you now?" Brooke asks, squealing.

"Yes!" I laugh, hugging her. We're both crying together now, and Tim and Jason have that look on their face that says they have no clue what is wrong with us.

"I'll be over on Monday so we can start picking maid of honor dresses," she decides, "And oh my gosh, there is going to be so much to do! Oh, Haley! I'm so happy for you!" She let's go of me and hugs Jason, who smiles at me over head. "I'm so happy for you, too, Jason! If you hurt her, you will answer to me, got it, bud?"

"Yeah, I got it," he laughs, stepping away to shake Tim's hand. "Thanks for keeping my secret," he laughs, "Even though it got your ass in trouble."

I gasp. "This is why? Oh, no, I feel so stupid!"

"No, don't," Tim laughs, pulling me to him for a hug, "Congratulations, James. Make him happy like I know you can, okay?"

I nod. "I'm sorry I snapped at you."

"No, don't be, I understand."

"Thank you, Tim." I hug him again.

The party is starting to resume, and Jason and I decide to leave, but it takes forever as we are stopped by just about everyone that we know here to be congratulated. We finally make it back to our place about an hour later, which is an hour later than we'd have liked, but oh, well.

I unlock the door and step inside, taking off my wings. Jason helps me with those, and then he removes the tiara that was holding my hair up, so that spills all over my shoulders.

"You look gorgeous," he tells me huskily. "I want you so bad."

I hold my left hand out so he can see the ring. "I am yours, Jason. Only yours," I vow, promising myself that I've made the right choice, that I'm doing the right thing, and that I'm never going to break to his heart.

We make love, and it is different. It has always been good, but tonight there was this new sense of commitment and deeper love that made it that much better. Everything is starting to seem better.


	12. Second Hand News

**Chapter Twelve – _Second Hand News_**

'_I know you're hopin' to find  
Someone who's gonna give you piece of mind  
When times go bad  
When times go rough  
Won't you lay me down in tall grass  
And let me do my stuff  
I'm just second hand news'_ - Fleetwood Mac

December, 2008

I spent Thanksgiving with Karen, Keith, Eric, Deb, and Dan, so I'll be spending Christmas with Jason and his family. If I was nervous the first time around, I'm petrified this time. Absolutely terrified.

We'll be telling them about the engagement.

It isn't that I think they'll react poorly. Quite the contrary, actually. I know they'll be ecstatic, and that they'll welcome me into their family with open arms. I have absolutely no doubt of that.

So where is the problem? I don't know, but there's just something off ­– I don't know, it scares me that I feel this way. Like there is something out there that I'm missing, something that isn't quite perfect. And I want this to be perfect, I really do. Jason is amazing, and he's everything I want, right?

Then why am I acting this way? Why do I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop? Maybe I have some sort of pathetic deficiency where I can't allow myself to be happy for too long; I freak out if I am.

"Mom and the girls are going to be thrilled, Haley. Almost as much as I am," Jason grins, squeezing my hand. I have to resist the urge to pull it away.

Damn it, this is going to be a hard weekend. But instead of pulling my hand away like an idiot, I smile up at him. "I know they will. I can't wait to tell them. I want to ask the girls to be in the wedding party."

"You don't have to do that on my account," he laughs, but I can tell by his smile that he's very pleased with the idea.

"I'm not. I really like both Lola and Marissa, and I can't imagine them not being a part of our wedding. I definitely want them very involved."

"They'll love that. Thank you," he smiles.

I laugh, "I'm not doing it for you, though. I really want them involved. They're so great, and well, this is for me as much as you!"

"I love you," he smiles, "And even if you're doing it for all the right reasons, I still really appreciate it."

"Well, I really appreciate you," I retort, leaning over to kiss him. When we banter like this, or touch and kiss, the doubts are easier to push aside. He makes me forget.

We drive on in silence, finally getting to Raleigh. I'm beginning to really wish that Brooke or Tim – better yet, both – were going to be here, but Brooke is going to be visiting with Tim's family in Tree Hill for Christmas. And I'll be here, in Raleigh, with Jason and his family. For better or worse, I guess.

But it won't be worse, and I know it. And it is becoming increasingly pathetic that I can't stop thinking that something will go wrong because I know it won't. Why I'm so anxious about all this, I really don't know. Maybe I'm – well, thoughts like that can't even be given any attention.

We pull up to his family's house, and grab our bags from the back and go inside. Lola is there to greet us.

"Haley! Hi, how are you?" she asks, enveloping me in a huge hug, "We are all so glad that you could make it!"

I hug her back, about to answer her when Jason quips, "Hey, thanks, good to see you, too, Lols. Don't mind me, I'm just your brother."

She pulls away and rolls her eyes at him. "Whatever, Jay-Jay, I've seen you more recently than I've seen Haley."

I laugh. "She's got you there, baby.

"Yeah, but she talks to you more often," he points out, "So, I should still get priority greeting if I'm doing the math right."

Lola laughs, and I smile at him. He winks at me as she kisses his cheek. She pulls away and links arms with me, chatting excitedly about school and whatnot as she drags me into the house. Gina and Marissa greet us, each giving me big hugs.

"How are you? How was the drive?" Gina asks, taking a bag from me. "It is so good to see you again," she adds, smiling.

"We're good, the drive was fine. Long, but I had good company," I tell her, smiling at Jason, "And it is wonderful to see you again."

"Well, we are thrilled you are here," Gina smiles as I hug Marissa, "And Jason, it is good to see you, too."

He laughs. "Well, at least someone here still acknowledges me." He gives her a hug and a kiss. "I missed you, Mom."

"And I always miss you," she tells him with a smile. "It's very good to have you home; you should come back here more often," she chastises him.

"Hey, it wasn't too long ago I was here," he reminds her.

She nods. "Maybe, but it can also never be too often. Keep that in mind from now on, alright?"

"Leave him alone, Mom," Marissa orders, "He's in college now. No, he's in law school, actually. He's too busy to come home to get nagged by you all the time."

Gina raises an eyebrow at her as Lola, Jase, and I try not to laugh. "Why on Earth would you think it is a good idea to tell me that, young lady?" Gina questions.

"Because, I'll be going away in a couple of years, and I thought you should get used to children not visiting you often. See, I'm going to go far away and never come back to Raleigh, so y'all will have to come visit me wherever I am."

Lola rolls her eyes. "Whatever, Riss. What makes you think anyone would come visit you anyways?"

"Enough," Gina cuts in before Marissa can reply, "Let's get Haley and Jason settled in. They had a long car trip to get here."

Jason takes my hand again. "Come on, Hale, let's get situated. Besides, don't you have a phone call to make?"

I nod, smiling at everyone. "I do have a quick phone call to make. Lucas will whine like a little baby if he doesn't hear from me on Christmas Eve," I explain. I'll be telling him about my engagement tonight, and asking whether he should tell Nathan or I should.

We walk to his bedroom, and get our stuff settled, and he leaves after giving me a kiss. With shaking fingers, I dial Luke's number. He's probably in his room, but I dial his cell just in case.

"Hi Hales," he says.

"Hey buddy, how are you? Merry Christmas."

"Back atcha. What's up?"

I sigh quietly, knowing Lucas would cut right to the chase. "Can't a girl just call up her best friend to chat?"

He snorts, rather rudely, in my opinion. "Hales, I can tell by the sound of your voice that you have something to tell me. I know you better than anyone except maybe Brooke. So just tell me. Don't keep me in suspense."

"So, you know that Jason and I have been getting really close, right? And that we're living together now?"

"Yeah," he says slowly. It's Luke: I'm sure he knows where this is going. In fact, I'd probably be shocked if he didn't.

"Well, he asked me to marry him and I said yes." I pause, waiting for him to say something, anything, but nothing is forthcoming. "Luke?"

"God, Hales," he sighs, and I can picture him sitting down and running his hand through his hair, "I don't even know what to say."

"Well, congratulations are usually a good place to start," I tell him lightly.

"Oh, uh, yeah, of course. Congratulations," he offers half-heartedly, "I'm just – this is a surprise. I mean, you're a junior in college, neither of you are settled in life. Don't you think you're rushing things?"

He isn't wrong, so I can't argue with that. "Maybe we're rushing things in terms of being settled, and maybe we're younger than is common these days, but maybe that isn't so bad," I tell him, hoping he'll agree.

"Why do I get the feeling you need my reassurance, Hales?" he asks, knowing me too well.

"Well, of course I don't need reassurance, but it'd be nice to know that you don't completely hate the idea and that you'll be at the wedding. I don't know, I guess I'd like you to be a little happy for me."

"Hey, Haley, of course I'll be there. This is just a huge surprise, you know? And if you're happy, then I am happy for you. I guess I just thought – well, never mind, it doesn't matter, and I'm here for you in any way you need."

I know what he was going to say – he thought there was still a chance Nathan and I could work things out. Of course, I can only assume Nathan didn't tell him about our last meeting in the days after Karen's wedding because if he had, Lucas would've realized that there was very little hope of that happening.

"It's a good thing, right? I mean, weddings are a happy occasion, so this is good, happy news." I think I'm saying this more for my benefit than his, but I can't be sure.

"Ah, sure, I mean, yeah. Yeah, if you're happy, yeah, it's a good thing. Um, so when did he propose? And when are you planning on having the wedding?" he asks, obviously struggling with this news. I suppose he's thinking of what it would be like for him to get married and thinking how strange it is that his best friend who is his age is doing just that.

"Um, on Halloween, actually. And we want to have the wedding this summer. Hopefully June. I mean, I know we don't have a lot of money, and my parents probably won't help or anything, but we don't need a huge thing anyways, right?"

"Halloween?" he asks quietly, ignoring how soon we want to have it, "And you're just now getting around to telling me two months later?"

I sigh, knowing he wasn't going to be a fan of that. "Luke, it's not that I didn't want to tell you, it's that we wanted to tell his family first, in person. I mean, we haven't told them yet, but I couldn't stand not telling you any longer."

"Gee, thanks a ton. Why am I guessing Brooke and Tim and probably my mom and Keith know all about this already?"

I shake my head. "Brooke and Tim know – they were at the party when he proposed. But, I mean, that's it. You're next. I'll tell Karen and Keith, and God, I guess Deb and Dan, next time I see them."

He sighs. "Shit, Hales. You know I'm happy if you're happy, it's just this is such a mess. I think I'm kind of glad I won't be around when you're telling Deb and Dan."

"Don't remind me, it's going to be awful. I mean, I know there are a lot of people who thought Na – well, he and I would be the ones getting married, and I know there are a lot of people probably disappointed in me for ruining that." I can't bring myself to say Nathan's name out loud. "But what happened, happened, and I can't change any of it."

He sighs again, and I know I'm probably just making him feel awful, but I can't help it. "Hales, everyone wants you to be happy. Even if that means you marry Jason and not Nathan. It's just that some of us always figured – you know what? It is pointless to talk about this because it is a moot point."

"Not so moot," I mutter, "I was wondering if you'd tell Nathan for me. He and I had a major falling out a few days after the wedding, and he told me he never wanted to see me again. It was very finally."

"And you want me to tell him? God, Haley, I don't want to be the one to hurt him."

"Ha, I think I've done all the hurting. I wouldn't ask this of you, Lucas, but he doesn't want to hear from me. Maybe we shouldn't worry about him finding out anyways."

"You ought to tell him yourself," Luke sighs.

"What? I just told you, Luke," I remind him, "That he hates me and never wants to see from me again. I'm pretty sure that included never receiving any kind of correspondence from me whatsoever. Me calling him is like the worst idea ever."

"Bullshit," he hisses, "You're a coward, and you are doing everything you can to take the coward's way out. He told me what happened last time."

"Oh, and so what?" I ask, feeling defensive, "If he told you what happened, then you should realize that I can't tell him! I can't talk to him, it is the last thing that he wants, Luke! I can't do that!"

"Whatever, Hales. You're being a coward about this. Nathan has laid it all out on the line for you so many times, and still – _still – _you're considering not telling him about this? Come on. He begged you, Haley. Begged. Do you have any idea how hard it was for him?"

I shake my head, angry that he's bringing all of this up now. "Luke," I sigh, "Of course I know, I was there."

"No, you obviously don't," he spits out bitterly, "Look, Hales, I love you, and I think Jason is a really great guy, and if he is what you want? Then I'm really happy for you. But I think it is shitty that you can't – no, this isn't any of my business and I'm not getting involved with it. Look, if you want Nathan to know, you need to tell him or find someone else who will. I won't do your dirty work any more."

"Luke," I try again, "That isn't what I'm asking you to do! I just think it would be easier if he heard it from you, someone he loves. Not me, someone he hates."

"We both know he doesn't hate you, Hales. He couldn't even if he wanted to, and he couldn't even if he should."

"What's that supposed to mean?" I ask, even though I already know.

"You know what it means. Stop being a coward and tell him yourself. And think about this: maybe what you think I mean in terms of your cowardice isn't what I mean at all." I'm grappling with his meaning on this one, but before I can respond, he speaks again. "Hales, I've got to go. We've got a team meeting before the game."

"Uh, okay, Luke. Merry Christmas. I love you."

"Love you, too. Think about it."

"Yeah, I will. Bye."

We hang up, and I sit here for a few minutes thinking about everything that he said. Maybe he's right – maybe it isn't fair of me to ask him to tell Nathan I'm engaged. But still, all I know is that I can't tell him myself. I just can't.

"There's nothing I can do about any of this now," I mutter aloud to myself, shaking the thoughts off and walking out to find Jason and his family. The first person I come across is Lola, watching TV.

"Haley!" Lola exclaims as I walk into the living room. I sit down beside her, taking a few pieces of popcorn out of the bowl she offers.

"Thank you," I smile.

"Which one of your hot friends were you talking to?" she asks eagerly. I think now that she is single again, she is actually sort of serious about me hooking her up with one of my 'hot' friends.

I laugh. "It was just Luke. You know, Christmas Eve phone call and all that good stuff," I explain.

"Hmm," she says, tapping her chin as if in thought, "Maybe soon I'll have an occasion to meet the infamous Luke."

"Oh, God," I groan, "You two would be insane. Scarily enough, you'd probably get along really well."

"Hey, how is that a bad thing?"

I laugh, "Well, it's not exactly a bad thing, but it's just, oh, I don't know. But hey, maybe you two can meet sooner than later."

"Oh, really," she asks, raising an eyebrow at me, "How soon and for what fabulous occasion would this be for?"

I think she kind of knows that something is up, and that she probably even has a pretty good idea of exactly what that is. "Well, maybe something will come up sooner than you expect," I tease her. It'll be fun to tell people who will actually be excited about this, unlike Luke was.

"You two are engaged, aren't you?" she asks point-blank, startling the crap out of me.

"What? Wh-why would you think that?" I stutter, shifting nervously on the couch. I know Jason wanted to tell his whole family at once.

"Because I know Jason, and he was sooo excited about something, and I can't think of anything else that could possibly make him that excited." She looks at my slyly. "And your reaction to my asking didn't do you any favors in terms of hiding it, either."

"Damn," I mutter, digging in my pocket for the ring. I hand it to her, and she squeals quietly, clapping a hand over her mouth.

"Oh, my God, Haley! This is so awesome! The awesomest awesome that ever awesomed!"

I laugh at her enthusiasm, glad that the bitter aftertaste of telling Lucas is being washed out of my mouth. "Thank you, I'm glad you're happy about this!"

"Happy? Oh, no, I am thrilled! Oh, my God, you'll be my sister in law!" she bubbles, clapping her hands.

"Okay, I'm happy too," I laugh as she hugs me again, "But you can't tell anyone yet, and you absolutely cannot tell Jason you already know. He wants to tell all three of you together. I think he'd be bummed if he found out you already knew!"

"Okay, okay! Oh, my God, this is so exciting! So, how'd he propose? When will the wedding be? Damn, I have so many questions, don't leave any details out!"

I laugh, but it is hard not to be swept up in her enthusiasm. She is definitely cheering me up, and I'm grateful as hell for that, especially since we'll be telling Marissa and Gina soon.

"Well, let's see. He proposed on Halloween. He had this whole elaborate thing set up, but he was being a tight-lipped ass, and I knew something was wrong, so I spoiled it by confronting him. But it was perfect – he proposed right in the middle of Brooke and Tim's Halloween party, and it was great. So sweet."

"He a romantic thing planned out?" she laughs, trying to keep her voice down. "I can't believe my brother sometimes!"

"Yeah, it was sweet, even if it didn't work out how he had planned. It worked out well for us."

"I know I keep saying this, but wow."

"What's your mom going to say?" I ask her curiously. "I mean, I think she'll be happy and Jason is positive she will, but we want to get married in June. That's soon, think she'll hate it?"

"Hate it? Well, no, I think she'll love it. I mean, June is soon, really soon, but Mom has never been one to get upset when one of us wants to do something, especially if she knows how much said something means to us, you know?" I nod. "I know she'll be thrilled for both of you."

"Thank God. I mean, I guess I always knew she'd be happy, but to hear someone who isn't Jason tell me she will makes it even easier. He's her only son, you know? I was afraid she'd go all Mama Bear or something."

"Nah, Mom's cool. She's the one who encouraged me to go to Yale and Jay-Jay to Duke even though there are fine schools that are closer. She wants what we want, and well, Jay wants you."

I smile brightly at her. "Well, I want him, too." I think I'm saying this more for my sake then hers, but I can't think about this now.

"Oh, my God!" she squeals again as Jason walks into the room. He looks at us quizzically, obviously curious why she's squealing and we're sitting side by side on the couch gossiping like this.

"What's going on?" he asks, cautious sounding.

"Nothing, baby," I smile up at him, "We're just, um – "

"Sharing college stories," Lola fills in, "You know, 'I know this one girl who slept with this guy, and then got screwed over by a friend who went after him' stories. Shit like that."

He nods, confused. "Okay, whatever." He looks at us again. "Is that really what you girls talk about?"

Lola and I look at each other and burst out laughing. "No," I gasp out, "Not usually, but it was just, um, one of those conversations that just come up."

He groans. "You were talking about me, weren't you?" he accuses, "Whatever she is saying isn't true." Lola and I laugh even harder. "I'm serious, Hale, whatever load of crap my sister is feeding you is just that, crap."

"Honey, she wasn't talking about you, I promise," I tell him, reaching up to grab his hand. "We were just doing the girl talk thing."

He shakes his head. "Right. Girl talk. Anyways, time for cheesecake and cocoa." I look at him, curious as to what those have to do with Christmas. Jason shrugs and Lola grins. "Family tradition," he explains, "We used to do this nasty fruitcake until my genius sister here puked all over the table while eating it. She saved us from the torture, and now we get cheesecake."

"Most worthwhile puking I've ever done," Lola confirms, "That fruitcake was inedible, and yet, Mom always expected us to eat two or three slices – each."

"And a tradition was born out of puke, huh?" I quip, laughing, "That might be the most bizarre thing I've ever heard in my life!"

"Well, we're in an interesting family," Jason sighs with a smile.

"I knew that," I tell him, "You claim Tim as a member of it." We all laugh a little knowing that for all his flaws, Tim is a great guy we all love.

"Let's go you two," Jason says when we calm down, "Cheesecake and cocoa for everyone awaits."

"Mom's cheesecake is pretty much to die for," Lola mentions, "And I'm not just saying that because she's my mom and she's standing in the doorway, either."

Gina starts laughing. "Sure you aren't, honey. No matter, let's go eat." She ushers us all into the family room where the tree is and sits us down before passing us plates of rich looking cheesecake and hot, steaming mugs of cocoa.

"It's the best," Jason says simply. He waits until we all have our goodies, and then he stands up and takes my hand, pulling me up with him. He can't keep the smile off his face as he says, "Haley and I have something we'd like to tell you. We're engaged!"

Marissa drops her fork. "Seriously? That is so cool! When's the wedding going to be? Oh, my gosh, can I be in it?" she asks with pleading eyes.

"Calm down, Riss," Lola laughs, winking at me, "And congratulations to you both! I'm so happy for you two!"

Jason grins as Lola hugs him. "Thanks, Lols. That means a lot."

The only one who hasn't said anything is Gina. I look at her hesitantly and see she is smiling, so maybe she's just letting things process or whatever. She stands up, though, and hugs first Jason and then me.

"I'm very happy for you both. This is a very wonderful occasion," she grins, finally. "So, now I would also like to know the details, as I'm sure would your sisters."

We all sit back down, and Jason tells them how everything happened, and I pull the necklace I've hung the ring on out and put it on my finger to show off. They all ooh and ahh appropriately, and ask about a hundred and one questions. But it's fun and relaxing and they seem genuinely happy for us, and make me feel like I'm already a part of their family.

"You realize that June is awfully soon, don't you?" Gina asks, "Now, I'm not trying to discourage you – I'd never do that – but with both of you going to school full-time, it will be hard to plan it in that short of a time."

"We know, Gina, but we don't want anything elaborate anyways, so we're thinking we can get it done."

"Are you sure? I know you're both terribly busy; Jason, you are in law school, for crying out loud, and Haley, I know you are trying to make up for lost time within your major."

"Mom, we'll figure it out," he assures her, "Don't worry, neither of us will let our grades slip or anything like that."

She shakes her head, laughing. "I'm not worried about that. I was actually trying to offer my services without seeming imposing."

"What kind of services?" Jason asks, raising an eyebrow at her.

"Oh, I'm not going to take all the planning over, Jason," she sighs exasperatedly, "But I can help with setting things up once you decide what you want. You know, Haley, if you pick out flowers, I can work with the florist and get them ordered. And Riss and I can scout out locations and narrow lists down for you. Things like that. Don't worry, I won't try and dictate the what's and the where's and the who's."

I laugh, delighted with her willingness to help. "Oh, my gosh, you have no idea how much that would help. I mean, I know Brooke will do whatever I need, and probably Karen, too, but this would be incredible. Thank you, Gina."

"Anything for my future daughter in law," she smiles. I get up to hug her. "My son is a very lucky guy," she whispers in my ear.

"Thank you," I sniff out.

"No, thank you. You have made him so very happy."

I pull away, smiling at her, but feeling a little guilty. I know that I've made him happier than he's made me, which isn't to say that he hasn't made me happy at all, just – not as much, I guess. It's a terrible thing, that. But there isn't anything I can do to change it. Besides, I love Jason, he's a great guy, and I know things will be good with him.

March, 2009

"Dammit, Tutor Girl, hold still," Brooke mutters, stomping her foot, "If you want to find the perfect hairstyle, you have to hold still and let the master do her thing."

I sigh, willing my body not to move. Brooke has screeched at me about sixty different times since we started this ordeal. Yes, it can only be described as an ordeal. We are going dress shopping in – hmm, fifteen minutes now - with Karen, and Brooke insisted that we find the hairstyle I want so that I can appropriately choose a veil. Apparently there is some kind of rule about that which I wasn't aware of. I don't know, I'm just along for the ride.

"Wow, this is a good one," Brooke decides, stepping back to look closer, "Look, Tutor Girl, look! This is so great!"

I slowly swivel around to see what the fuss is about. I gasp involuntarily, amazed at the intricacy of what she's done to my hair. It is half up, half down, and the top half is this pile of twists that look meant to be.

"Tigger, it looks awesome!" I breathe.

"I know!" she laughs, obviously pleased with herself and her creation, "Here, don't move, I'll get the camera so we can take pictures of it from every angle so that it can be recreated perfectly on your wedding day!" She runs off to get the camera.

My wedding day. June 27th, 2009. The church is booked, more for the benefit of Jason and his family than me. The guest lists have been finalized, and the invitations will be sent out shortly. We've also got the color schemes and flowers chosen, and most of the other minute wedding details have been seen to.

All that's left now is the supposedly fun stuff like dress shopping. Which brings us to today. Not only are we looking at bridal gowns today, but we will also be looking at bridesmaid gowns for Brooke, Lola, and Marissa, as well as a 'mother of the bride' dress for Karen. My own mom will just wear whatever the hell she wants, anyway, and it isn't like she has bothered to be involved in this process. Or any of my processes, for that matter.

Brooke is furiously snapping pictures of my hair with her digital camera, and I just ignore her, enjoying the moment of quiet. Sometimes I feel like everything is loud and overwhelming and moving way too fast, but I'm too caught up in the current to do anything about it. So instead I just go with the flow, and enjoy these few minutes of silence and peace whenever and wherever I can get them. My entire life has become fairly consumed with this wedding and the preparations.

Of course, true to their words, Gina, Karen, and Brooke have all been huge in helping me. I know I couldn't have done any of this without them. I'd probably be curled up in the fetal position somewhere still from the first time I met with the caterer. In all honesty, I stupidly thought that I could prepare for this wedding and get things done, but I had no idea how hard it would be. How complicated this all is.

"You ready to go, Tutor Girl?" Brooke asks, snapping me out of my reverie.

I nod, glancing up at her. "Yeah, let's go."

We meet Karen at a bridal boutique here, and by the time we meet with a saleslady, my spirits are bolstered. We decline her immediate assistance, instead choosing to browse for awhile on our own.

So we wander, occasionally holding up dresses for the others to check out, and put a select few in a dressing room that was set aside for us. Once we've got a good pile going, Brooke and I step into the dressing room to try things on. None of the dresses we've picked out are exactly Vera Wang, but I do have a limited budget to work with here.

But I like the selection we've ended up with, and I am confident that one of these dresses will work for me. I try on the first with Karen's assistance, a lacy thing with a princess cut and full skirt. It has short cap sleeves, and it looks like a dress you'd see on TV.

"What do you think?" Karen asks. I can tell she doesn't like it based solely on the fact that she doesn't offer an opinion of it. She is also kind of crinkling her nose a tiny bit.

I can't help but laugh at her expression. "Um, it's nice, but it's a little – oh, I don't know, floofy, don't you think?"

She laughs, too. "I didn't know 'floofy' was a word, but I definitely think this dress is indeed just that."

I nod my head. "Hey, Tigger, the first dress is a no go!" I call to Brooke so that she's kept abreast of things while she tries on bridesmaid dresses. We agreed to only show each other the ones we actually liked.

"Yeah, mine, too," she calls back. "Was yours that lacy one with the mushroom skirt?"

Karen and I smile at her apt description of the dress. "It sure was, Brooke," Karen responds.

"Good, that thing was all kinds of fug," she declares, "But I wouldn't have told you that if you liked it. But I bet you look like you're drowning in lace and tulle right now."

Karen and I crack up this time. "Yes, Karen is about to toss me a life preserver so I can I swim out of this thing."

"I knew it!" Brooke cheers, probably patting herself on the back.

I roll my eyes, and Karen helps me out of the dress. The next one is much tamer and for simpler. It is a cream colored dress with an empire waist and no beading or lace or anything. It has long sleeves, which I'm beginning to think could be a problem if the weather is nice since I'm getting hot standing in an air-conditioned dressing room with it on.

"Well, that one is pretty, "Karen smiles.

"I feel like a roasting pig," I moan, "It is hotter than hell in this damn thing. Seriously, if you don't get me out of it, I might get heatstroke."

"And you call me over dramatic?" Brooke shouts from the next stall over.

"Yes, because you are!" I shout back, and Karen shakes her head at us, but a laugh escapes as well.

"Hello Pot, meet the Kettle!" she retorts, laughing. "Hey, I think this second dress I have on is pretty hot, want to see?"

I sigh. "Brooke, I'm not sure if 'hot' is a euphemism I want applied to my bridesmaids' dresses, you know? But sure, let's see."

She steps into the large dressing room Karen and I are in; she is wearing a beautiful strapless black gown. It is knee-length, simple, and gorgeous. The only qualm I have about it is the color. Black seems so formal, and this wedding is going to be during the day, in a small church here, and formal would be out of place.

"I love it," I tell her seriously, "It's just the color doesn't seem right. When I picture black as a wedding color, it just seems so stuffy and formal. Like a ceremony with ivory colored roses and huge candelabras. I don't know if that'll work for Jason and me."

She rolls her eyes at me. "Tutor Girl, the dress comes in practically every color under the sun. Besides, you already picked colors, remember? You know, the lavender and silver? The invitations that are probably being printed right this second are in those colors." She winks at Karen.

Even the colors aren't me, now that I think about it. Karen puts her arm around me sympathetically. "Honey, are you okay? I know how stressful planning a wedding can be. And I can only imagine how hard it is with you being in school right now, and you have such a heavy class load right now."

I mentally sigh, but force a smile for the benefit of both Karen and Brooke. "Oh, I'm fine, really. I think it was just that when I saw how great the black looked, that was all I could see, you know?" The look at me dubiously. "I mean it, you guys! Come on, let's try on more dresses. Tigger, set that one aside, okay?"

She nods, walking out of my stall and back to her own. Karen looks at me. "Are you sure you're okay? You seem so jumpy, and to be frank, a little lost, Haley. Tell me what's going on."

"I'm just tired, Karen," I promise her, "Things will be better after midterms, I'm sure."

I know she still doesn't believe me, but she doesn't argue and instead helps me out of the sauna dress that I can't believe I was wearing all this time, and into the next dress, a simple white strapless dress. The bodice is satin and the skirt is swirling tulle. There is some minor beadwork around the waist and across the top of the bodice, but it adds to the dress instead of detracting from it. Karen zips me up, and gasps audibly when she sees me in it.

"Oh, Haley, this is it, this is your dress," she smiles, tears in her eyes. The dress is all one length, no gaudy train that will drag eight miles behind me, instead all falling at the same length just below my ankles. Well, it will once it is hemmed.

"I love it," I breathe, "And it will look so pretty with the dress Brooke picked out for her and the bridesmaids!"

"Let me see! Let me see!" Brooke bubbles demandingly through the door. Karen lets her in, and she stands behind me looking at my reflection with me in the mirror. She still has the black dress on, and even more now than before I can tell this is it. This is the perfect combo. This is what I want my wedding to look like.

I turn around, grinning at them. "This is it!"

"It is so it!" Brooke grins back. "Oh, my God, it's perfect, Tutor Girl, it really is. Now all you need is a veil!"

"I think I saw the perfect one earlier," Karen smiles, stepping around us, "I'll just go grab it. You two stay right here."

We watch as she leaves, and then Brooke pulls me into a hug. "Are you really okay? I know this happening really fast, and I mean, you know I love Jase and all, but I love you most. If you – well, you know, if you need something, and I mean anything, I'm your girl."

I almost cry, her words are so sweet, but I don't. I almost spill everything, her words are so reassuring, but I can't. So instead I smile as big and bright as I can when I pull out of her hug, and again lie, assuring her that everything is perfect.

"Honest, Tigger, a little sleep is all I need."

She nods, smiling back. Like Karen, I don't think she believes me, but I'm not going to do this. Not here in a bridal shop in the dress I'll be marrying Jason in, and probably not ever.

"Well, maybe you and I should go to Tree Hill for the weekend. I know my parents are gone, we can stay there," she suggests, "And just have a relaxing weekend of nothing but studying and sleeping."

"Maybe an occasional movie?" I ask, laughing. "Oh, well, I'll be there part of the time anyways, I have to work."

"You just can't let a few days go by without seeing Eric, can you?" she asks, laughing. Like she doesn't know exactly how enamored of that child I am. I've talked Karen into letting him be my ring bearer, even though he will barely be two, and it is unlikely he'll want to stand there the whole time. Keith figures he can hang onto him until we're ready and then let him come flying at me like he did at their wedding.

"You caught me," I agree, "He's my little angel."

"Are you talking about my youngest son again?" Karen asks with a laugh. She's holding a long, long veil – it looks like it would actually take the place of a train.

"Yes, I am," I tell her as she and Brooke arrange the veil in my hair. They spin me around and straighten the veil and have me look in the mirror.

"Wow, that's – it's so pretty with the hair like this!" I exclaim, laughing. I'm so relieved at how things are coming together now. For awhile there it seemed like nothing would ever be ready, and it was like this long nightmare waiting for some other shoe to drop right on top of me.

"I'm a genius," Brooke grins, "But I'll warn you now, there is no way I'll be able to get your hair done on the wedding day. I'll be too busy beautifying myself."

Karen and I laugh with her. "You freak," I retort, "You can't look too beautiful – there will be no out-shining the bride."

Brooke snorts. "Please, Jason will have all his hot fraternity friends there – probably a few I don't even know, maybe a Big B type or something. I need to look my best. You've already got your guy, let your best friend get hers!"

"You really can't argue with that logic, Haley," Karen smiles, arguing in Brooke's favor, "It is hard to find a good man these days, a girl needs all the help she can get!"

"How would you know?" I ask her, arching an eyebrow at her, "You had Keith forever; it's not like you had to go out looking!"

She laughs. "Well, I did, though. Not looking for him, of course, but looking for someone or even something else that was better. Luckily for me, I realized that there was nothing better than what I already had before he realized that I wasn't good enough for him."

I know her words are intended as banter, but all the serve to do for me is remind me of all the things I will lose when I say 'I do' with Jason. All the things I used to have, all the memories I've made – they'll be gone or tarnished, and what will I have then?

June 20, 2009

I am so damn drunk right now that you could probably knock me over with a feather, and when I was picking myself up off the floor, I'd probably thank you for kicking my ass.

"Tutor Girl!" Brooke screams at me from across the room, "Get your soon-to-be-old-married-woman ass over here and get some hot stripper action!"

I giggle at her, and link arms with Lola, who I was standing at the bar with, and drag her over to where Brooke is sitting. It is just the three of us here. We invited Karen and Gina, but they both thought it'd be better if they let us go out and have our fun. And fun we are having.

Lola gets sidetracked by a waiter in a g-string, so I make my way stumbling to the table on my own, giggling when Brooke grabs a hold of my arm and pulls me down.

"Give him this twenty!" she yells, a wicked gleam in her eye.

Blushing, even though we've been here for about two hours, I do as she tells me. The dancer gyrates himself against my hand, and for a minute I almost burst into laughter at the absurdity of all this.

"Tigger, if you told me three years ago we'd be doing this a week before my wedding, I'd have had you committed!" I laugh.

She rolls her eyes at me. "Like you don't love it!" She smacks a waiter on the butt as he walks by. "God, this is good living!"

"Holy shit!" Lola laughs, sitting down on Brooke's lap, "Did you see that waiter? Was he not the hottest thing you've ever seen? Damn, I spent all these years thinking strippers were nasty and greasy! Who knew I was missing out on him!"

Her eyes all glazed over and dreamy looking, and Brooke and I laugh at her. "Well, Lols, you obviously haven't hung around with Brooke Davis enough. Because I know where all the hot strippers in a three county radius reside," she asserts strongly, causing Lola to laugh and look slightly fascinated and me to roll my eyes.

"You're a freak, Tigger," I tell her, laughing.

"I try," she smirks. One of the strippers stops in front of me, shaking his ass in my face. I kind of laugh, trying to push him aside while Brooke reaches over and shoves money into his waistband.

"Brooke, stop encouraging them!" I yell at her, trying not to laugh. She rolls her eyes at me, shrugging exaggeratedly.

"This is what is supposed to happen, Tutor Girl! It is a strip club! Hot men," she winks, patting the guy on the rear, "Are supposed to dance on you with little to no clothing."

"Whatever!" I laugh, getting up, "I'm going outside for a second, I need some air." She nods, barely turning her attention away from the dancer who has moved onto her. Lola is flirting with the waiter again, paying no attention to us, so I don't feel like I'm ditching her, either.

I get outside, and slump against the wall. I'm getting married in – wow, in a week now. To Jason. God, I am getting married to Jason in a week. How did things go so fast? How did I get here?

Unbidden, thoughts of Nathan come to mind, and my hand unconsciously moves over the '23' tattoo that still graces my lower back. Jason has never asked about it, but I'm sure that if he didn't get filled in by Tim, he figured it out since Nathan still uses that number. Of course, I never told Jason that I was once married to Nathan, either. He thinks this is both of our first marriage.

I guess legally he's right. Our parents had our marriage annulled, which is basically just erasing it from the records. I don't know why I haven't told Jason – maybe it just hasn't come up, but that's not fair. Of course it hasn't come up. Who would ask if you were once married to your high school sweetheart for a few months in high school? No one.

There have been a thousand times I could have told Jason, and there have been a thousand more where I should have told him. But I can't. No, more to the point, I don't want to. I don't want to sever that last tie I have to Nathan. Our brief marriage is, in some ways, all that I have left of him now. I don't want to lose that.

It is so selfish and pathetic that I am willing to start our marriage on a lie like that. There is no way I can even convince myself that it isn't a big one because I know. I know it is. It's huge, and that is all there is to it.

And Nathan, oh, God, Nathan. Why do I spend half of my waking hours thinking of him? Why can't I shake these thoughts that maybe – _maybe _– I'm not doing the right thing? Why am I so damn scared and stressed out over all of this? It is supposed to be the happiest time of my life, and I'm acting like someone is sending me to a firing squad.

By the time I get through all these thoughts, I'm gasping for breath and shaking like a leaf. What if I'm doing the wrong thing?

June 27, 2009

This is it. Today I will no longer be Haley James, or Haley James Scott, as I've occasionally thought of myself; no, I will be Haley Smith, wife of Jason Smith.

Wife. Why does that word feel so heavy all of a sudden? Why does it feel like it is the greatest burden in the world, and I don't think I'm strong enough to bare it?

Karen and Brooke are in here helping me get ready, and I know they both know something is wrong with me, but neither have said so. Thank God. What would I say? Yeah, I've spent all my savings on this wedding, and yeah, it would break Jason's heart, but I'm just not feeling it? Yeah, right.

They both keep giving me concerned glances, though, looking at me sideways as they straighten my veil on my head or help me into my shoes. Outwardly, everything is perfect. Even I can see that. My simple bouquet of white roses is perfect, as are the bridesmaid bouquets of lavender and silvery-gray roses. Brooke looks perfect in her silver dress, and I know Lola and Marissa look perfect, too.

I'm barely paying attention as Brooke excuses herself from the room so that Karen and I can chat. "Honey, are you okay?" she asks, obviously very concerned, "It seems like you're in a bit of a daze."

I nod, trying to clear my head. "Just excited," I mutter, pathetically unconvincing, "Can't wait to get married." God, I'm about to cry. I can't cry now, I can't.

"Haley, honey, you need to tell me now if you can't – "

I glance sharply towards her, interrupting, "There is no 'can't'. I can't 'can't' do this. I have to do this, there is question of that!"

"Haley, you always have choices," she says gently, "And if you want to choose not to get married, I'll do whatever you need me to do, okay, baby?"

The tears spill over, and Karen wipes them away gently. "Karen, I have to marry him. It would hurt him so much if I didn't, and think of all the people that would hate me. Gina, Lola, Marissa – God, Kare, Tim would hate me, and he is one of my best friends."

"Tim wouldn't hate you, Haley. He might be upset with you, and hurt, but he wouldn't hate you."

I shake my head. "You know what? It doesn't matter, though, because I'm not backing out. I promised Jason I'd marry him, and I'll do exactly that," I say firmly, trying to make myself believe I can go through with it.

Brooke steps quietly back in. "Looks like everyone is out there. Even Peyton is here, Tutor Girl," she smiles. I think she's trying to cheer me up with that news, but I could care less who is out there. I actually wish that no one was out there.

"Wow, Peyton? Didn't know if her doctors would let her leave the city for that long," I mumble, welcoming the whirlwind distraction that is Brooke.

"I met two of your brothers," she comments, continuing her babbling, "How come you were holding out on their hotness from me? Sure, they're a little older, but come on, this is 2009 – a girl can go out with an older guy."

Karen smiles. "Two of her older brothers are older than I am," she points out, "And they are all married."

"Details, details," Brooke jokes, winking.

A knock sounds at the door, and we all quiet as Brooke moves to answer it. "Ah, Broody, come on in. She's over there," she points, indicating me. She and Karen both make there excuses, Karen promising to return shortly with Keith and Eric for a family moment.

Once the door shuts behind them, Luke turns to me. "What's wrong, Hales? And please don't say 'nothing', I'm not stupid and I know better."

I shake my head, unable to get words out. "I – I am so scared, Luke," I choke out, my whole body shaking violently.

Concern washes over his face, and he drops down next to me, wrapping his arms around me. "Oh, Hales, why? Does Jason hurt you, baby? Just tell me, I won't let that happen ever again, okay?"

I laugh at his jump to that conclusion. "No, he doesn't hurt me, Luke. He's too good for me, and he loves me so much. And then I'm just – I'm here, and I don't even know, and I'm so scared that I'm going to hurt him so bad, and he'll hate me, everyone will hate me!"

He hugs me tighter. "Hales, tell me what you need. Tell me what you need for this to be made okay because I will do it for you."

"Tell me I'm doing the right thing, Luke!" I beg, looking up at him with pleading, desperate eyes, "I need you to tell me that!"

He shakes his head. "Oh, Hales, only you know that." He looks so sad for me, but at the same time, he looks proud, like I'm getting something I should've got a long time ago. "Does this have anything to do with Nathan?"

I shrug. "I don't know," I whisper, although I really do, "I haven't even told Jason that Nathan and I were married. How lame am I?"

He looks at me sympathetically. "Hales, it isn't such a big deal, that. I mean, high school? Come on, right?"

I nod, trying to believe something that I can tell even he doesn't believe. "I feel like a fraud right now," I whisper.

"Knock, knock," Karen calls, slightly opening the door, "Can we come in?"

Luke wipes the tears from face as he answers her. "Sure, Mom, come on in. We were just having one last unmarried best friend chat."

All three of them step through the door, and Eric immediately struggles to be let down so he can run to me. When Keith sets him down, he does just that.

"I think I should be jealous," Luke quips, "My baby brother is always choosing Haley over me. Just isn't fair!"

"Maybe you should visit more often," Karen smiles, gently chastising him for the fewer and farther between nature of his visits.

"Yeah, or maybe that."

I cradle Eric in my arms, paying little attention to everything else. It is easier to focus on him, someone I know will love and adore me no matter what. As if reading my thoughts, Keith clears his throat.

"Haley, I just wanted to let you know that you've been like a daughter to me, probably since the day we met and you started nagging me about when I'd propose to Karen. You've done a world of good for my family – for Karen, and Luke, and Eric – and I want you to know that all of us, all four of us, are here for you no matter what. No matter what," he repeats for emphasis.

I nod, unsure of what to say, so I stick with the simple, "Thank you, Keith."

He leans over and hugs me around Eric and Luke. "You're welcome, Haley. And I meant it – we all love you so much. You truly are a daughter and sister to us."

I smile, brushing away a tear. "Thank you, you have no idea how much that means, how much I needed to hear that." He looks at Karen, and I begin to think that maybe, just maybe, he did know exactly how much I needed it.

I stand up, still holding Eric, with Luke's assistance, and pull them all in for a hug. "In the ways that count, you are truly my family. I love you all so much!" I tell them, trying to hold my tears in.

"We love you, too, Hales," Luke says, kissing my cheek, "We all love you, and we all support you no matter what, through everything, okay? You know that, right?"

I nod, laying my head on his shoulder. "I know." And I just can't help but think I might need that help.

"James, you are looking good," Tim enthuses, as he jogs over, sweeping me up in a hug. "Look at you!"

"Thanks, Smith," I laugh, blushing. I'm trying really hard not let my fear, and my doubts, and the conflict I'm feeling show right now. Luckily Tim is more focused on being excited that one of his best friends is marrying his cousin, so I don't think he even notices yet.

"It's a great day for a wedding, isn't it?" he grins, hugging me again. "You're going to be family soon!"

I nearly shudder, thinking of all that entails, but I think I manage to keep my smile pasted on.

"Hey, you okay?" he asks, concerned, "You're looking kind of, um, well, a little green. That can't be good. God, you aren't pregnant, are you?"

"No!" I practically shout at him. "God, of course, I'm not pregnant, Tim! I can't believe you even suggested that."

He shrugs. "Just saying. But hey, you – you'd tell me if you weren't okay, right? If, um, well, you know, if this wasn't going to – "he cuts himself off, unsure of what to say.

My eyes fill with tears for about the hundredth time in the last half hour, and I just nod. "I'm fine, Tim," I whisper. "You'd better get inside, I think we're about to start."

He still looks concerned, but nods. "Okay, I'll go. Hey, you know I love you, right?" he offers, smiling.

I nod back at him. "I know. I love you, too. You're a great friend, Smith."

"You, too, James."

Everyone is inside now except Brooke, Marissa, Lola, Eric, my father, and me. We are waiting for the music to strike up, and as the wait grows longer, my nerves become more frayed and I get closer to either throwing up or fainting. Of course, I probably won't do either, but I feel like I'm going to arrive at some horrible point of no return, and who knows what will happen.

Brooke steps over to me as first Marissa and then Lola walk down the aisle of the church. She smiles at me as she fixes my veil. "Anything you need, Haley," she says, still smiling. She squeezes my hand. "Anything at all, I'm here, okay? Do what you got to!"

I nod, fighting back the tears that are yet again threatening. Marissa and Lols are both standing at the altar now – I can see them from where I stand on the right side of the door, and they smile at me, but I'm hidden from Jason's view.

I kneel down to Eric. "Okay, baby," I tell him, smiling as I straighten his bow tie, "You have to walk down and get Brookie now, okay? Go get Brookie!" He takes off, sprinting down the aisle and throwing himself at Brooke who scoops him up, grinning at him as he pulls on her hair.

My dad turns to me as 'my song' starts to play. "You ready?"

The shaking resumes, attacking my entire body. "I – yeah, let's go." As if my dad is a person I'd want to talk to about any of this. There is just no way.

We start walking, and I glance at all of the faces in the audience. Peyton, Jake, and Jenny. Karen and Keith sitting by Deb and Dan, who look sad but happy at the same time. My brothers and my sisters with their spouses and children. My mom. Gina and the rest of Jason's family. Luke and Tim, standing up next to Jason. The only person I can't seem to look at is Jason.

I make eye contact with Brooke, and I can tell by the look on her face that she knows exactly what I'm thinking, feeling, and it isn't good. She smiles slightly, probably in sympathy. I will myself to glance up and make eye contact with Jason, and when I do – I know. I can't do this.

I find myself slowing down, and my dad looks down at me, maybe even with concern, but probably just impatience. My feet start to drag, and I can see the looks of realization cross people's faces – Jason's face. It is getting hard to breathe, and all of a sudden, the only thing I can think to do is run. And so I do.

I turn and run like the coward that I am. Making no further eye contact and not bothering to check the tears that are no falling freely, I run as fast as I can in this damn cumbersome dress. I can hear the gasps and whispers and exclamations as I do this, and all I can see is the last glimpse of Jason's face that I'd got. It was that moment where he realized what was happening, and what wasn't going to happen.

"Haley!" someone calls, probably Brooke or Karen, and I know at least one of them will be coming after me.

"Oh, God, oh, God," I chant aloud as I run. I don't know where I'm going, and I don't know what I'll do when I get there, but I just know I cannot be here, not one single second longer. As I burst out the doors at the outer entrance of the church, I run into someone, and fall down on the steps.

"Are you okay?" the person asks, and I gasp in shock.

"Nathan? Oh, shit, what are you doing here?" I wail, unable to deal with anyone, perhaps him most of all, right now.

"I – I don't know, I guess I couldn't stay away. Had to see it for myself to believe it," he spits out bitterly. He looks closer at me, taking in the tears on my face, the makeup that was once perfect but probably now ruined, and the veil that is askew, and his eyes widen with realization. "Do you need a ride?"

I'm panting – out of fear, shock, embarrassment, and a whole slough of other emotions I can't quite identify. Accepting Nathan's offer of a ride would probably be the worst thing I could possibly do right now. In fact, I can see no way in which it wouldn't be. But what else can I do? I have to get out of here, if only for my own sanity, and I don't have a car here, and I can't even get access to one without going back inside.

"Yeah, I need a ride," I tell him pitifully, tears streaming down my face. He's sweet as he helps me up, but he doesn't take my hand or invade my space at all, something I am grateful for.

"Come on, I parked right there in the fire lane," he tells me, pointing, "I wasn't going to stay long."

I nod at his explanation, but don't say anything. There isn't anything to say right now; nothing that will make either of us happy, anyway. As he helps me into his car, I see Jason and Luke and Brooke and Tim and Karen and Keith and Jason's family all crowding out the doors. I see the look on Jason's face, the anguish, and when my face falls, and fresh tears spring to my eyes, Nathan squeezes my shoulder in quiet reassurance before running around to his door and jumping in.

I relax in the seat as he pulls away – all tension drains from my body, and I feel imminently better. I guess this is one of knowing I made the right decision – it does feel right. Oh, I feel awful about it all – rightfully so, I should feel awful, but I know I made the right decision.

"They're all gonna hate me," I whisper, finally breaking the silence several miles down the road.

He shakes his head. "Hey, they will not."

"God, I screwed up, I screwed up so bad," I cry, pulling my knees up against my chest, hugging them to me.

"Maybe it would have been worse of a mistake if you went through with it," he points out quietly.

I nod. "I know that, I do, but God, I saw his face – I saw it and I ran away. How can he not hate me?"

He just shrugs, not saying anything. God, I'm so stupid – he hates me, too. "Dammit, Nathan, why are you here?" I ask, lashing out at him. It is rude and unfair and so wrong, but I need to lash out at someone, and he is the only one in the car. "You hate me, you told me so!"

He shakes his head. "Hey, Haley, I never said that. I just said I never wanted to see you again. There's a difference," he says wryly.

"Not much of one," I point out, "You generally don't want to make a point of never seeing someone that you love or even just like again."

"You do when it hurts too bad," he sighs. "Look, where do you want me to drop you off? Your apartment? Your parent's place in Tree Hill? You gotta give me something here, Haley."

He isn't going to stay with me. Well, of course he isn't. Why would he? I shouldn't have expected that he would have, after all he isn't my biggest fan in the world, right?

"Um, I don't know, is – I can't go back to the apartment," I whisper, "They'll look there, and I don't want to go to my parent's house. They'll yell at me. Can you drop me off at the café?"

He nods, and I know he understands. "Yeah, I'll drop you there. You'll be okay, right?"

"I'm not going to kill myself if that's what you're asking," I tell him. I'm quiet for a minute, and then sigh. "I'm sorry, I'll be fine. I promise. I'll just wait for Lucas to get back."

He nods. "You need a cell phone or anything?"

I shake my head. "I'll be fine. I doubt I'll need to call anyone."

He nods again, and we fall silent. I just sit here in the passenger seat with my knees tucked under my chin. There isn't anything for either of us to say right now, and so we don't even bother pretending. I know I'm not in the mood to make small talk, and I doubt he is either.

About a half hour later we arrive at the café. It is open; the high school students have been entrusted with the duty of being here on their own for the day. Nathan parks right in front, and I sit here staring at the building.

"Luke decided to tell you? Or did your parents?" I ask, curious.

"They all did," he replies, sighing. "Luke said he thought you might, but I guess not."

"You said you didn't want to see me, and I figured that meant hearing from me, too. And it was too hard," I shrug, "I just couldn't bring myself to do it."

"Haley?" he asks quietly, "Are you going to be okay?"

I nod wordlessly. I open the door and step out. He opens his door and jumps out, too, escorting me into the back room of the café past all the prying, confused eyes. I guess it isn't every day a crying woman in a bridal gown makes her way through a small-town café with a man that isn't her fiancé.

"I uh, I better go," he says, shifting awkwardly.

I nod, respecting that he doesn't want to be near me now. "Thanks for rescuing me," I tell him, offering a small, small smile.

"Yeah, I'm glad I could be of some help," he says, smiling a little. "Hey, you know, things will be okay eventually, Haley. You'll figure things out."

He waves, and then turns and walks out of my life again. I nod, even though I don't believe him. After what I've done, I doubt anything will ever be okay again.


	13. Within You, Without You

**Chapter Thirteen – _Within You, Without You_**

'_Try to realize it's all within yourself_

_No one else can make you change_

_And to see you're really only very small_

_And life flows on within you and without you'_ – Beatles

June 28, 2009

"Haley?" a gentle voice calls my name, "Hales, wake up, Hales."

I mumble something that even I can't understand. My eyes feel swollen, and when I pry them open I realize why. I'm still wearing my wedding dress, and if that doesn't immediately bring into focus all that happened in the past twenty-four hours, I don't know what would.

"Luke?" I ask, reaching out for him. He pulls me into a hug, smoothing my hair down.

"I'm here, Hales, I'm here. How are you feeling?" he asks, pulling back to look me over with concerned eyes.

I shrug. "Guess about as good as you'd expect." I'm sitting against the wall, and Luke shifts so that he sitting by my side, also against the wall. I work up the nerve to ask the question I dread the answer to. "What happened after I left?" I choke out.

He shakes his head before dropping it down into his hands. "It wasn't good, Hales, I can't lie. Um, people are pretty upset. Your parents, Jason and his family. It wasn't pretty."

I nod, knowing all this would've been true. "And I guess Tim and Brooke hate me, too," I sigh.

He shakes his head. "Brooke is waiting in the café. She is so worried about you; in fact, I could barely get her to agree to let me see you first. I don't know about Tim, though, he went off with his family."

I nod, a few tears escaping my eyes. "I thought I was all cried out," I sigh, "But I can't stop now." I look over at Luke. "Everyone knows what happened?"

"You mean who you left with?" I nod. "Yeah, they all saw. Jason, um, I think he's thinking you had planned it or something."

"I figured. Shit. I saw you guys – God, I saw everyone standing in the doorway of the church when he was helping me into the car, but – there was nothing I could do then." I'm shaking again, uncontrollably.

Lucas looks at me questioningly. "Have you been shaking like that much?" he asks, concerned. "That can't be good for you."

I shrug. "On and off since before the wedding. The last week or so. I don't know, any time I'd think about things, I couldn't stop shaking."

"God, Hales." He wraps an arm around my shoulder. "Come on, let's sneak you out the back door, and get you to Mom and Keith's place, okay? I'll let you steal a pair of my sweats to wear."

"Brooke," I mumble, remembering that he'd told me she was waiting in the café. "Gotta get Brooke."

He nods. "Okay, I'll go get her now, okay, Hales? Okay?" I nod. "I'll be right back, and everything is going to be okay. I'll make sure!" I nod again, even though I know he's lying to placate me.

He walks out the door, and I can hear him talking to Brooke. "She's shaking, Brooke. It is out of control. I think she might need to see a doctor. She's not...she's out of it."

"She's that bad?" Brooke gasps, "She probably hasn't eaten since Friday night, and who knows if she's even had any liquid. Maybe we should take her to the ER."

I don't want to go to the doctor, but I don't have the strength to argue with them if the push the issue. "Tutor Girl?" Brooke calls as they walk back into the room, "Hey honey, I missed you."

She falls to her knees beside me and hugs the hell out of me. "Tigger, I messed up so bad, what am I going to do?"

"Nothing," she says firmly, "You didn't mess up at all, anyways. Messing up would've been marrying him when you didn't want to." I look at her like she's smoking something and she shrugs. "Fine, maybe you went about it in the wrong way, but it wasn't the wrong thing to do. I promise."

"She's right, Hales, come on now, let's get you out of that dress, okay?"

"It must be a cold day in hell," Brooke mutters, "Lucas Scott just agreed with me."

I can't help – I laugh. I gasp in shock and blanch after, but it was there. And it shouldn't have been. I have no right to be laughing right now, even if Luke and Brooke are amusing in their arguments.

"It's okay to laugh, Hales," Luke says, noting the look on my face, "You can't suppress emotion."

I shake my head, denying that. "Luke, I can't feel things. Not good things, not after what I did to Jason. God, and Nathan, all the times I hurt him. Look at what I've done!"

Brooke looks confused. "Nathan, what does Nathan have to do with any of this?" she asks, and I'm not sure if it is directed at me or Lucas, but we both shrug.

"It doesn't, I guess. But I've hurt him, too. It's the same thing, only without a wedding in progress."

"Hales, you're not making sense," Lucas says gently, taking my arm and helping me to my feet. "God, you've still got your shoes on!"

He says it like it is the most ludicrous thing he's ever seen. "I didn't have anywhere to take them off," I shrug, "And I don't think I was really thinking about it. Actually, I don't think I even noticed they were on."

Brooke takes my hand. "Come on, let's go. You can't be comfortable in those things, and Karen and Keith are worried sick about you. Plus, and this is even more important," she tells, whispering confidentially, "Eric has been begging for you since you left the church."

I smile slightly, thinking that holding Eric might be the best source of comfort around. "Okay, let's go," I agree.

Brooke leaves us to pull her car around back, and once she's there, Luke ushers me into it. He sits in the back with me, and I lay my head on his shoulder, trying not to start crying again. We get into the house, and Karen is immediately there, wrapping her arms around me.

"Oh, baby, I was so worried about you!" she exclaims, "My God, are you okay? Where were you?"

"I'm okay, I think. I was at the café; I hope you don't mind," I tell her ruefully, "I just didn't know where else I could go."

"Of course I don't mind, Haley. I'm just glad you were safe; we were so worried." She hugs me again.

Keith leans in to hug me, too. "We really were worried about you. How are you feeling, honey?"

I shrug, managing a small smile for their benefits. "I'm – well, I could be better, but I guess all in all, I'm here. And I am sorry; the last thing I wanted to do was worry anyone needlessly."

Karen nods sympathetically. "Well, come in, you're shaking like a leaf. Let's get you some food, okay?" She heads for the kitchen and Luke takes my arm, pulling me towards his room.

"Come on, now you can finally get out of that dress and those shoes, okay? You'll feel better once you're rid of those."

I nod, wordlessly grabbing Brooke's hand as we go past her so that she can come with us to Luke's room. She reaches up and plucks the veil off my head. I can't believe I was still wearing that. I guess I'm lucky it didn't wrap itself around my neck and choke me in the middle of the night.

"Get something really warm, Broody – her hands are like ice." He glances at Brooke and nods. "Come on, Tutor Girl," she says, turning to me, "Let me unzip your dress."

"Uh, do I need to leave?" Luke asks, a smile on his face, "Because when I was talking about getting her out of that dress, I didn't mean like voyeurism or anything."

Brooke rolls her eyes at him. "Shut up, Scott. She's got more coverage than your average bikini underneath."

He shrugs. "Well, I didn't know, what can I say?"

"Nothing, that's why I told you to shut up."

It is actually nice to listen to their juvenile arguing. It is distracting and amusing and I need both of those right now.

I'm standing in the middle of Luke's room now, clad only in a strapless bra and a pair of panties. Oh, and a pair of four inch stilettos. Can't forget those. I begin shaking even harder when the cool air hits my skin, and so Brooke grabs a blanket off of Luke's bed to wrap around me. I can't function for myself at all, apparently.

She sits me down on the bed, and I lean down to take off my shoes. Mainly to prove that I can do it, both to myself and to Luke and Brooke. I'm not quite as catatonic as they seem to think I am.

Luke gets finished digging in his closet and hands me a sweatshirt and a pair of sweatpants. "Uh, they haven't been washed, but they just smell like my cologne. I hope that's okay," he blushes, "These were our best in terms of my stuff actually decently fitting you."

I nod, smiling to let him know its okay. "Thank you, Lucas." He hugs me through the blanket. "Thank you for not hating me."

He sighs, and pulls back to tip my chin up so I have to face him. "Hales, I love you. I could never hate you, no matter how bad you think you screwed up. Okay, look, I don't even think you screwed up so bad. Like Brooke said, there were better ways, sure, but if you would've married him, don't you think you both would've ended up miserable?"

I nod, knowing he is right on that last point. "I know. I do. But it was horrible of me to take so long to figure it out, take so long to admit it to myself, and take even longer to do something about it. I hurt him so bad, Luke."

"Sometimes that can't be avoided, Hales, you know that." He looks away when I drop the blanket and pull the sweatshirt over my head. It does smell like him, and somehow that is comforting right now. I pull the pants on next, and Luke finally turns back to me. "Just trust in yourself that you made the right decision."

"I do," I whisper, "I know that I couldn't have married Jason, I do know that. I just don't love him that way, the way I'm supposed to, the way I should. But I do love him as a friend and as a nice guy, and I hurt him anyways."

Brooke sits down on the other side of me. "Hey, sometimes some things just aren't meant to be. And sometimes you hurt the ones you love. It sucks and maybe it changes a lot of things, but that's life. You can't always make everyone else happy."

"I know," I reply quietly, "But you don't have to make them so horribly miserable, either. There has to be a middle ground."

"He'll forgive you, Hales."

I snort at that. "There is no way he will, Luke, no way. God, would you be able to forgive someone for doing it to you? No," I answer for him, "No rational emotive person would be able to."

"You never know," Brooke reasons, "I mean, Jason, he really loves you, and so he might be able to get past this."

I shake my head. "It won't happen," I say, sad that I let it get to this, "And I know it is all my fault. What I did was horrible."

"It wasn't, really," Brooke says again.

"Yeah," Luke jumps in, agreeing, "We all make mistakes, Hales. Maybe he'll find it in his heart to forgive you."

"Thanks for trying, you two, but even I'm not buying that." I lean back on the bed, sighing. "I have so much I'm going to have to do now."

"Like what?" Brooke asks, curious.

"Well, find a new place to live, and then move, for starters." They both have 'oh yeah' looks on their faces when I explain that one to them. "And I'm going to have to get a second job this summer to pay everyone back for what I owe them. Gina paid for the caterers, so I am going to have to find out what I owe her. Hardest of all? I'm going to have to apologize to everyone."

They look at me sympathetically, but obviously don't know what to say. "Come on," Luke sighs, "Let's go get some food."

I nod, not really hungry, but knowing that if I don't eat soon, someone will go ahead and drag me to the hospital. Luke drags me out to the kitchen where Karen has thrown together macaroni and cheese, my favorite, which only serves to remind me of Nathan, which only makes me want to cry again. I've messed up so many times with so many people, and I'm just now realizing that.

Karen sets a plate full of the delectable creation in front of me, and Keith smiles brightly as he puts a Diet Dr. Pepper down as well.

"Thanks, Karen, thanks, Keith," I tell them, smiling, "Where's Eric?" I could use some of his infectious happiness right now.

"He's still down for his morning nap, but he should be up soon," Karen explains. I nod, smiling.

"Luke promised I could see him," I tell her, trying for levity. I'm also trying to ignore the fact that everyone else has cleared out the kitchen, leaving just Karen and me.

"Haley, you can talk to me," she smiles, "You know I'm always here for you, no matter what you need. I'm on your side."

I nod at her because I do know this. "I know, thank you Karen. And I'm sorry I disappointed you."

She looks shocked. "Disappointed me how, Haley?"

"By taking the coward's way out and running. You taught me better than that, and we both know it. I messed up."

"Honey, the only mess up you had was not realizing sooner what you wanted and what you needed. That's not the end of the world."

"Not mine, no," I agree.

"Not his either, Haley," she tells me gently, like she thinks I think it should be. I don't. Really, I don't. "It'll hurt for awhile, and eventually he'll move on, be happy again, love again."

I nod, knowing this. "I just don't want to see him hurting at all, though. That's what sucks about this – he's hurting now, and I can't help him. I know I can't."

She shrugs. "Honey, I don't know what to tell you about that. You'll have to figure it out on your own, and it will be difficult and sad and maybe even worse than those. I don't know. But I do know that you didn't do anything wrong. Please don't beat yourself up about it."

"I hurt him, Kare, that's wrong," I remind her.

She shrugs. "Sometimes it is unavoidable, isn't it?"

I think back on the hurt I've caused people. "Yeah, I guess so. I don't know, maybe I just have this defect where I hurt people all the time."

"That's ridiculous," she says in that motherly tone of hers, "And we both you know that it is, so don't try pretending otherwise. Haley, you made a mistake. Deal with it. That's all you can do now."

I nod. There is nothing else to say, really. Now I have to go about getting the courage to attempt to make amends.

The next day, I drive with Brooke to the hotel that Gina, Lola, and Marissa are staying at. Brooke heard from Tim that Jason went on our honeymoon to Florida without me, but that his family is still here. I'm not looking forward to this at all. In fact, I think I'd rather have hot pokers stuck in my eyes, but I owe them at least this much.

"You aren't going to pass out, are you?" Brooke asks, eyeing me across the car.

I shake my head, although I'm not too sure about that. "I don't think so, but if I do, will you just leave my body on the side of the road somewhere? I'll be fine, I'm sure someone will pick me up before the small animals can get to me."

She scrunches her nose up at me. "Morbid, Tutor Girl, very morbid. I kind of like that on you."

We share a smile, and for a minute, my confidence feels bolstered, but then we pull into the parking lot, and my heart goes plummeting back down. "I can't do this," I tell her, panicked.

"Okay, let's go then," she says, starting to back out of the space she'd pulled into. "If you can't do it, I'm not sitting in this parking lot forever."

I take some deep breaths, attempting to calm my racing heart. I have no illusions about how things will go today. Not only will they be very angry with me, but they will all be hurt, and sad, and God knows what else.

"Okay, I'm going," I say resolutely, stepping out of the car and shutting the door behind me before I change my mind. As previously discussed, Brooke locks the doors behind me as well. No where to run and hide now. It's sad that it had to come to that for me to actually get my ass in gear and do what I need to, what is only decent of me.

It gets harder to breathe the closer I get to the room I know is there, the room I visited less than a week ago to give Gina a scrapbook of me and Jason's relationship. Of course, this visit is far, far different, and instead of it ending with her clasping the scrapbook to her chest in thanks, there is a good chance she'll throw it at me in anger.

I knock on the door before I can chicken out, and run the twelve blocks to the apartment that I used to – well, still do, I guess – share with Jason. Since he's not there, that is our second stop. We'll be packing up my stuff and getting me out of his hair. It doesn't seem fair that I just leave while he's gone, but I think it is better this way. He won't have to come to as many reminders as to what I've done.

The door swings open, and Lola is standing there. When she sees me, a mixture of surprise and anger cross her face. "Get the hell out of here," she hisses, "There is not one member of this family that wants anything to do with you."

I nod – she's right. "I know, and I'm not here to ask for forgiveness. I just need to speak with your mother. Please."

"No, why should I let you? Do you have any clue how much you hurt Jason? Do you have any clue how bad it felt for him to have to stand there with our family and your family and friends and watch you get in a car with your ex-boyfriend? Do you have any clue? God, obviously not if you think it is okay to show up here to speak to any of us!"

I shake a little knowing there is nothing I can say to make this up to her, to make her my friend again. "Please, Lola," I quietly implore her, "Please let me talk to your mom. Just for thirty seconds."

"You goddamn bitch! You – you pretend to be a part of our family, pretend to love my brother, and then you run off when you're halfway down the aisle! Now you come here expecting – well, anything! You have no right to expect even the tiniest, most minute thing from anyone here," she rants, get louder. She stops when a hand comes down on her shoulder.

Gina appears in the doorway, and my gaze falters, dropping to my feet. "There really is no reason for you to be here, Haley," Gina says formally and coldly, which is the least of which, "And it would be in everyone's best interests if you just left right now."

"I know you don't want to see me," I whisper, trying to be brave enough to make eye contact but failing miserably, "But I need to know – "

"No, you don't 'need' anything. You don't 'get' anything. You don't even have the right to come here and ask for anything, got that?"

I nod. "I know that none of you want to see me and that all of you hate me, and I don't blame you, I don't. I'm not even going to ask for your forgiveness because I know I don't deserve it. But I need to tell you I'm sorry, and I would appreciate it if you would mail me a copy of the caterer's invoice so I can pay you back."

She shakes her head as Lola glares at me from beside her. "I don't want anything from you, Haley. Now, you can go. There really isn't anything more to say, is there?"

I nod, moving away. Before the door closes, I look back. "For what it is worth, which I know isn't much, I am so sorry. More than you'll ever know. And I'll call the caterer myself and send you a check."

I turn to walk away, stopping when Marissa yells at me to wait. I turn around to face her, not surprised when her hand flies through the air, slapping me hard across the face. She turns and walks back into the hotel room after glaring at me hard for a few minutes. The door slams shut, and I walk slowly back down to where Brooke is waiting, fingering my sore cheek.

"Whoa, who smacked you?" Brooke gapes as I get back into the car, "They did a nasty job. Dude, you're bleeding."

"She was probably wearing a ring," I sigh, glancing at my hands and seeing the blood on them. "Crap, did I smear it everywhere?"

"No, just your cheek. Seriously, was it Lola? She looks like she could beat the shit out of someone if she had to."

I shake my head. "No, it wasn't Lola, and it wasn't even Gina. It was Marissa, actually, and she is just as strong as she looks, by the way."

"Damn, I can tell. So I take it things went poorly?"

I roll my eyes at her. "Ya think?" I look back out the window, slamming my fist onto my thigh when the tears start to fall. Brooke leans over and hugs me. "I knew what would happen, I did, so this shouldn't be such a big deal, right?"

"Aw, baby, of course it's a big deal, you think of them as family, right?" I nod against her shoulder. "So it's a big deal."

"I hurt so many people," I mutter for the thousandth time, "I wrecked all these good things that I had because I was too stupid to realize soon enough that I wasn't ready to get married to Jason. That I'd never be ready to marry him."

We sit back in our seats, each lost in our own thoughts. "Brooke?" I ask a few minutes later, unconsciously using her name rather than her nickname, "Can I tell you something that will probably freak you out, but that only two of my other friends know about? Promise not to get all weird about it?"

She looks at me curiously. Of course, this is Brooke, who lives for gossip. With a lead-in like the one I just gave her, she'd probably sell her soul to Satan to know what I'm talking about. "If Peyton wasn't one of the people in the know, I promise to make absolutely zero judgments."

I laugh a little at this. "No, Peyton doesn't know," I sigh, "Only Luke and Nathan do. Well, Nathan would have to know."

"What? Do you have a third nipple or something? Come on, Tutor Girl, you know I hate to be in suspense!"

"Sophomore year Nathan and I got married." Dead silence. I look over at her, and her jaw is hanging open, and then she bursts out laughing.

"Oh, my God," she gasps out, "Shit, you totally had me going for a second there! Damn, you and Nathan married sophomore year? That is insanely unbelievable!"

"And true," I say quietly, looking down at my hands.

"Oh, give it up, Tutor Girl, I'm not falling for it. As if you of all people, especially back then, would have gotten married. Besides, isn't that, like, not legal or something? And you, Tutor Girl, were the epitome of all things legal in high school. Well, besides underage drinking, of course."

I look over at her, smiling. "Nathan was legally emancipated, so he was free to marry. He didn't have to get permission. I forged permission from my parents. When they found out a few months later, they had the marriage annulled."

"Holy fuck, you aren't kidding," she marvels, "No way, I cannot believe that you were married to Nathan Scott. I mean, if there is anyone I could imagine you married to, it would've been him, but in high school? Shiiit."

"It seems like a long time ago," I say in a faraway voice, wondering why Nathan is the only person she can imagine me married to, "We were so young, and we thought we had everything figured out. Look where I am now? I know nothing, I have nothing, and I don't even – well, everything is messed up."

"Damn," she says again, for what seems like the fiftieth time, "I can't believe this. And only Luke knew? I mean, out of your friends."

I nod. "Well, we told him the next day. It was the day he left for Charleston that summer he and Keith stayed there."

"If your parents hadn't made you get it annulled, would you have tried to make things work?" She asks the sixty-four thousand dollar question.

"I don't know. I mean, yeah, we'd have tried, but would it have worked out? Probably not, we were so young and stupid."

"Insane. And to think I thought I'd done some crazy things in my life – you were married. In high school. To Nathan Scott. That is truly crazy."

I nod, and smile a little. "Come on, let's get going. It's going to take us forever to pack up all of my junk."

"You're really moving back in with your parents, huh?" she asks, shaking her head, "I really don't know how you can stand that."

"Well, what choice do I have?" I ask, being rational about all of this, "Besides, you know my parents are almost always gone. I could move an elephant in the back yard, and they may not notice."

"We should talk to Tim, see if he'd get a three bedroom with us," she suggests, even though she knows as well as I do that isn't likely to happen now. "Okay, bad idea," she admits at my look, "But you do have to talk to him soon, you know."

I nod. "I know. Is it weird that I'm thinking that talk might be the hardest of them all? Even harder than with Jason?"

"Because friendships always last longer than romance?" she suggests, "Not that I'd know from personal experience, though."

I roll my eyes at her. "Brooke, we've been best friends for almost three years, I would say that is pretty tangible proof for your theory. How many boyfriends have you had in that time? Two hundred and ninety seven?" I ask, venturing a rather outlandish guess for her benefit.

"Fine, when you're right, you are right. Hey, no, when I'm right, I am definitely right. Cool," she grins.

"Thanks," I tell her, letting the moment as we turn into the parking lot of our buildings turn serious, "I don't know what I would've done without you. And I don't just mean the last couple of days, although, everyone knows that I really needed you now. But I mean in general – you were so great to help with wedding plans, and you have just been my biggest source of support. Thank you for that."

She abruptly shuts the car off and jumps out. I follow, looking at her confused. When I raise an eyebrow at her, she rolls her eyes back at me. "Look, there have been enough tears out of your eyes since Saturday, and frankly, you don't need to be getting me all mushy, even if I am the best friend anyone could ever have."

I laugh, hugging her. "You are wonderful. Thank you for being my friend." She hugs me back. "I feel like we're in a dopey sitcom or something, the way I keep thanking you."

"Come on, no more stalling, let's do this." She says it so assertively; I have no choice but to follow along. Of course, she's also tugging on my arm, threatening to drag me if necessary, so my options are further limited.

I toss her my key, not wanting to be the first one in. "Oh, shit," I breathe, shocked to see piles of boxes already in here, "Who – what – how?"

Brooke looks around, surprised as I am. "I don't know. Oh – Tutor Girl, you don't think that Tim lied do you? I mean about Jason being gone?"

I look around, panicked. "I don't know," I whisper, "What if he is? I don't know what to say to him yet."

"Well, thank God you don't have to then," Tim says sarcastically from the doorway to the kitchen, "I know the world would hate to see Haley James put out."

"Don't start, Tim, there is no need for that," Brooke steps in, defending me.

"No, its okay, Brooke. I deserve to hear what he has to say." She shakes her head at me, and I get the feeling they've already had this conversation in the past two days. "I – well, I'm listening, Tim." I sit down on the couch.

He rolls his eyes at me, sitting on the chair adjacent to the couch. "Don't pull that martyr bullshit, James, it isn't going to work. Not this time, not on me. What you did was foul, and you know what? That's all there is to say about it. There's nothing else I want to say to you."

"She's your friend, Timothy!" Brooke shouts at him, "And she made a mistake! Yeah, it sucked, and yeah, someone got hurt, but she didn't want to do it! Would it have been better for you if she had gone through with and had to bail later on? Or if they made each other miserable because neither was happy knowing the other was unhappy? What, Tim, what do you think she should've done?"

"Shut up, Brooke, this has nothing to do with you!"

"Fuck you, Timmy, this has everything to do with me, because I have been the friend who has been there for her! I know how this has torn her apart, and I know that is genuine. You can't fake that." I'm getting dizzy listening to all of this. All of a sudden, my knees buckle, and the last thing I remember is the ground rushing up to meet me.

"Haley? Wake up, honey." I can hear Karen's voice, but it sounds so far away right now. "Haley?"

I struggle to open my eyes, blinking at the harshness of the bright lights. "Karen?" I ask, my voice coming out as a scratchy whisper.

"Hey, oh, sweetie, we were all so worried about you."

"Where am I?" I ask, confused.

"The hospital. You collapsed at your apartment a couple of hours ago. Brooke called me in a panic, and so here I am. Lucas and Keith are in the waiting room with Brooke and Eric and Tim."

"Tim is here? We were having a fight," I rasp out.

She smiles, "Well, he's here now. I'm going to go get Lucas and Brooke, okay? They've been dying to see you." She stands up to leave.

"Wait, Kare? What's wrong with me?"

She laughs, "Oh, I'm sorry, sweetheart, I wasn't thinking. It's not serious, but you need to start taking care of yourself and eating regularly, not to mention drinking water at least occasionally. You were severely dehydrated, and we can all tell that you've lost weight over the last month or so."

"Stress," I explain, "Thanks for filling me in."

"You're welcome. Thank you for being okay. I love you, darling, now let me go get the impatient duo for you."

"Thank you," I tell her, smiling weakly. While she's gone, I use those moments to get my bearings a bit better. There is a needle inserted in the top of my wrist; probably for IV rehydration. I'm not in pain, so I doubt they're pumping me full of morphine or anything. It's a small room, and it is private. I find the remote to lower and raise the bed, and I grab it, situating myself better for the visitors I know will be coming.

"Don't be such a prick, Broody," I can hear Brooke saying from out in the hallway, "If you want to be the first to see her, get your ass in their with me, because I'm going in now."

I can hear that Lucas replies, but it is too muffled to make out. A few seconds later, the door swings open, and they burst through, jockeying for position. "Tutor Girl!" Brooke exclaims at the same time Luke calls out, "Hales!"

"Hey guys," I whisper, "How are you?"

Luke laughs, as does Brooke, and each takes up a position on opposite sides of the bed. "I'm good, honey, it's you I'm worried about," Brooke tells me. I smile at her. She climbs up on the bed and lays beside me. "You freaked me out."

"Everyone," Luke starts, and I make the effort of swiveling my head around to see him, "Has been really worried about you, kid."

"I know you guys hate each other, and that fighting is your hobby, but can you both sit on the same side of the bed. It's hard to look back and forth between you now."

"Oh, God, I'm so sorry," Brooke gasps, and the glares at Lucas. "Broody, get your ass over here."

He rolls his eyes at her, but complies. "Anything else, your highness?"

"Nothing at the moment. So you can leave now," Brooke says hopefully, "Really, go ahead, shoo!"

"Did I miss anything exciting?" I ask, interrupting their sparring or flirtation, whatever they're calling it these days, "How long was I out for?"

Luke sits on the edge of the bed, and grabs my hand. "You were out for a little over three hours. But you didn't miss anything."

I smile up at him, really glad he's here now. Brooke leans over. "We were so worried about you; even Tim is. I know he was being an ass earlier, but I do believe he cares about you still, and doesn't want to see you hurt."

I nod. "I know, I understand. How could he be anything but angry with me right now?" It is getting easier to talk as my voice comes back. "Would you guys see if he'll come in and talk to me? Don't try and make him feel bad if he says 'no', okay?"

Brooke sighs, looking at me. "I can ask," she shrugs, "But Tutor Girl, he'll probably say no. I just don't want you to get your hopes up."

I nod. "Yeah, yeah, hopes down. I know, I got it."

Brooke still looks doubtful, but she rolls off the bed and stands up anyways. "Okay, I'll go ask him. You coming, Broody?"

He shakes his head. "I'll stay here with her in the meantime," he tells her, his eyes on me. He smiles reassuringly and I reach out and pat his hand.

"I'm okay, Lucas. I just lost track of taking care of myself."

He nods. "I know, just never, ever do it again, okay? Because the whole drive here, I was thinking of how awful this world would be if I lost you. I can't even imagine, and I don't want to find out."

"Luke, thanks for being here. Guess I picked the best time to throw my life into complete and utter turmoil so that you could be around, huh?"

He smiles, leaning in close. "Want to know a secret?" I nod, smiling at him. "Even if you had done this the day before the championship game, I'd have come."

Tears spring to my eyes. "Thank you, Luke."

"Hey, you're my best friend, Hales, anything for you. Hey, do you remember when I had my car accident?"

"Oh, God, I didn't even visit you in the hospital," I sigh, "You aren't trying tell me I'm a bad friend for that, are you?"

He laughs, shaking his head. "No, of course not. You were there after, and that's what mattered. Besides, why anyone came to see me then is beyond me. That was at the height of my jerk days."

I nod. "It surely was," I agree, and he pokes me lightly in the side. I let out a small laugh. "I always regretted not visiting you. I took the coward's way out then, too," I tell him, reminding us both of my more recent indiscretions. "I guess it has become a habit, huh?"

He shrugs. "Well, I never saw it that way – sure, I wanted you there, but I knew why you wouldn't be. And you know what? You more than made up for it a thousand times, a thousand ways."

I try not to cry – I think I'm too dehydrated for tears, anyways. Hmm, maybe that's my problem in the first place. It doesn't really matter now, though.

"Thanks, Luke, for making me feel a tiny bit better," I tell him, squeezing his hand. When I squeeze, the needle kind of pokes me, and reminds me to ask the burning question. "Any idea how long I'll be here?"

He grins. "They probably won't tell me, so I'll get Mom on the case. She went all Mama Tiger when they told Brooke and I that none of us could see you because we weren't family."

My heart warms at the thought of Karen protecting me like I'm really her daughter. "Tell her 'thank you' for me, okay?"

"I will."

The door creaks open, and Brooke steps through with Tim behind her. She grabs Luke by the collar and starts dragging him out. "Uh, guess I'll see you in a few, Hales. Love you, take care of yourself."

I nod. Once the door swings shut behind them, I look at Tim. "Hi," I say softly, unsure if he's going to yell, or if he will even say anything at all.

"Hey," he offers, surprising me, "Sorry I yelled at you earlier."

I shrug, "I deserve worse."

He shakes his head. "Look, I'm mad at you. I can't not be, you know? What you did, that sucks, and it hurts a lot of people I care about."

"Including you?" I ask.

He nods. "Well, yeah, I guess so. But the thing is, I think I kinda knew it might happen." I glance at him in surprise. "I don't condone it – what you did, I mean. But maybe it's my fault. Maybe I should have stepped in and stopped it."

"I didn't mean to hurt anyone," I say, then sigh when I realize how pathetically stupid that sounds. "Actually, I guess it would be better to say that I never wanted to hurt anyone, even though I did. And what could you have done, Tim? Even I didn't quite realize I couldn't do it – couldn't go through with it – until the very last damn minute." Tears start rolling down my face again. "All fault is mine," I tell him honestly.

"Please don't cry, it makes me nervous," he pleads, and I reach up and brush them off. "Look, what's done is done, and I don't know if I can forgive you. But I also don't know if I can stand to not try." He kicks the ground angrily. "You know, it just isn't fair that you had to do this, James! You were one of the two best friends I've ever had, and you do this!"

I lower my head, fighting the urge to give into tears. "I know, I'm sorry, Tim. I know saying it doesn't really mean anything after what I did, but I am. You have no idea how sorry I am."

He finally looks at me. "You know, the sad thing is, I believe you. Too damn bad it doesn't make even the slightest bit of a difference." He drags his glare away from me. "Look, I'm glad you're okay, but I should go. I don't think there is much to say right now."

I nod, feeling completely forlorn and bereft. "Um, thanks for stopping by, and I guess in a roundabout way that's weird, thanks for packing my stuff up. I know it wasn't for me, but still."

He nods stiffly, and after one last hard, regretful stare, he leaves. Luke steps back in almost immediately, holding Eric in his arms. When he sees me, he squirms away from Lucas, holding his arms out for me.

"Aw, Eric, my little guy!" Lucas sets him down on the edge of the bed, holding him back from jumping on me.

"Hawey," he grins, holding his arms out to me. I open mine, nodding to Luke that it is okay if he jumps on me.

"Hi baby," I smile, possibly the first genuinely happy one I've had in the past month, "I missed you!"

He just giggles at me, tangling his hands in my hair. "Hawey! Hawey!" Luke and I laugh at his antics.

"I miss him when I'm gone," Luke comments, "Look how big he's getting." He brushes a hand over Eric's hair. "Well, you see him almost every day, so I guess that you already know."

"They grow up fast," I agree, sighing wistfully.

Luke looks at me in what appears to be surprise. "You don't want one yet, do you? I mean, you're still young." He thinks for a minute, while I sit here, amused. "Oh, God, Hales, you aren't pregnant now, are you?"

I can't help it – I laugh. "Lukie, don't worry, I'm not pregnant, and I don't have any intention of becoming pregnant soon. Trust me, Eric here is enough of a baby fix for me, aren't you, kiddo?"

"Hawey!" he giggles again after I say his name, clapping his hands over mine. Luke and I both laugh.

"Well, that's good," Luke says over Eric's head, "I mean, not that I don't think you could do it, but it's probably not the best idea right now."

I roll my eyes. "I might be a big screw up, but I'm certainly not that bad," I sigh at him, "You make me seem like the world's biggest moron!"

He grins. "I didn't mean it that way. It's just when I noticed how good you were with him, and how happy you always are when he's around, I thought maybe you wanted one. And then I thought about the fainting and stuff, and wondered."

"Don't worry, it isn't that. Thank God. Could you even imagine how awful that would've been? As if I hadn't screwed things up enough already," I snort, smiling at Eric.

"What happened?"

I assume he's talking about Tim's visit, so I reply, "Well, I think it went better than I deserved. He wasn't nice, but he didn't go out of his way to be mean and hateful to me, either. That's always a bonus."

He smiles, squeezing my hand. Eric is engrossed in playing with the remote control for the TV I handed him so he wouldn't play with the IV tubes. "I meant Nathan, Hales. What happened when he drove you to Tree Hill? That's a long enough ride, you know."

I nod. "Half hour. I'll be making it every day soon." I'm stalling, and I know it. And the funny thing is, there is nothing to talk about in terms of what happened with Nathan. "And absolutely nothing happened with Nathan. We barely even talked. I literally ran into him on my way out of the church, and when I realized I had no other way out of there, he offered to drive me and I accepted. That was it."

"I didn't know he was coming," he sighs, obviously concerned about something, "He said he didn't want to, didn't even care anymore." I must cringe because he immediately apologizes. "Sorry, I didn't mean to say it that way."

"Hey, a spade is a spade, right? Call it like you see it."

"I didn't mean it like that." He leans forward, pretending to fix Eric's overalls. "Look, Haley, he has a girlfriend now. I mean, it's not super serious or anything, but he really likes her."

I sigh. "Luke, I'm not going to throw myself at him and try and mess up his life if that's what you're worried about," I huff, a little insulted that he thinks so little of me."

"I know that," he says, attempting to placate me, "But I didn't know if you thought things would work out, and I didn't want you to get your hopes up. Things have been hard enough for you lately."

"And they'll continue to be hard for awhile," I finish for him, knowing that was his implication.

"Well, yeah, they probably will. I just don't want you hurt any worse, Hales."

"Don't worry, I have no plans to date anyone ever again. I've wreaked enough havoc for a lifetime, thank you very much."

He looks at me sympathetically. "When does Jason get back?"

"Well, we were only supposed to be gone a week, but I wouldn't be surprised if he extends it, all things considered."

"That won't be a fun conversation," he sighs, smiling as a sleepy Eric lies down next to me, his head on my stomach. "Damn that kid loves you."

"I guess I'm just utterly loveable," I tell him, smiling.

"Well, I might be best friend biased, but I certainly think you are," Brooke declares from the door. "What'd I miss?"

I shake my head at her. "Nothing. Tim came and left, and Luke has been lecturing me on why I can't go after Nathan, although I certainly don't think I ever made it seem like I was going to," I tell her, rolling my eyes.

"Wow," she breathes, "Sounds like more than nothing to me!"

"I wasn't lecturing," Lucas counters, "Just pointing out that it isn't such a good idea right now, all things considered. I don't want you hurt, Hales."

"Lucas Scott, you arrogant piece of crap!" Brooke bursts out. She's probably been waiting the last two days for a chance to ream his ass out. "Why the hell are you treating her like she's stupid? I can't even believe you would bring up your asshat brother's name at a time like this. As if she's even thinking about him."

Lucas just looks blown away by her outburst, and after staring him down, she again climbs up on the bed and lies down beside me. "Hi Brookie," I choke out, trying to contain my laughter at the two of them. Seriously, they should just go find a bed and get it all out of their systems now. This is getting ridiculous. All the hormones shooting between them are sure to negatively affect me and Eric soon.

Now I have Eric on one side and Brooke on my other, all crammed into a tiny hospital bed. If a nurse comes in, I am sure that bricks will be shit. "You joining us, Lucas?" I ask, motioning to a spot at my foot.

He grins, and lifts Eric up, placing him half on Brooke and half on me, and then he climbs up into the spot Eric had vacated. "Oh, my God," Brooke squeals. She, Luke, and I start laughing, and Eric sits up, Brooke holding him in place, and starts clapping his little hands. "Aw, his first foursome," Brooke jokes.

"You're sick, Davis," Luke mutters, "Don't listen to her, Eric, she's a bad, bad influence." Luke's head is resting on my shoulder, and Brooke's elbow is digging into my side and I'm lying in a hospital bed, but I haven't felt this good in a long time.

"Shut up, Scott."

"Bite my ass, Davis," he snips back.

I can't control it any longer, and I start to laugh. "Would you two get a room already? I mean, at this rate, Eric and I can just leave, and you can have this one!"

While I can't look at both of them and I choose to look at Eric instead, I can feel the waves of stunned silence roll off of them, and for some reason, that just makes me laugh harder. I'm laughing so hard that I don't even notice the door open until I hear his voice.

"Wow, quite the party."

My laughter dies abruptly, and I look up to see Nathan standing there with Deb and Dan. I half expect Brooke and Lucas to jump out of the bed, but to their credit and my delight, the stay put.

Dan just grins. "Well, I don't know much about hospitals, but from what I remember, don't they frown upon this sort of thing?"

Brooke and Lucas are still too stunned to answer, so after a brief silence, I grin at Dan, answering, "Yeah, I figured I was toast when Luke let Eric sit up here with me. I'm screwed now. Any minute now, some Nurse Ratchett is going to come in here and throw pills at us."

"Better than a lobotomy," Deb jokes, setting a bouquet of flowers down on the stand across the room. "How are you feeling, honey?"

"I'm better, now." I smile first at Brooke, and then at Lucas. "These two can't help but be entertaining, and plus, I've got my little man with me," I tell her, indicating Eric. I can't make eye contact with Nathan, so I search the faces of everyone else.

"You're so pale," Nathan comments, and for a minute, I think I see worry in his eyes, but it is gone quickly, and I have to assume I was projecting because I wanted it to be there.

"Yeah, you are," Deb sighs, "Are they sure you're okay? If this is too much, I'll herd everyone out of here for you."

I shake my head. "Oh, no, please don't. I think this is exactly what I need right now. Besides, I don't think I'm even on any medication, just the IV for the dehydration."

"If you're sure," Deb says doubtfully, "I don't want any of us hoodlums causing you too much stress."

"Don't worry," Luke grins, "Mom is running interference to keep the nurses out of her hair, and you know she wouldn't do that unless she figured Hales was fine, you know?"

"Can't argue with that," Dan agrees. "Haley, I'm glad you're doing okay."

"Thanks, Dan," I tell him, smiling a little.

"How are you otherwise?" Deb asks carefully, obviously not wanting to pry, but probably both concerned and a little curious.

"Um," I start, biting my lip, "Well, I feel awful, but um, Luke and Brooke are right, it would've been worse down the line." I end with a sigh, and Deb looks at me sympathetically. I've gotten a lot of that lately.

She sighs, idly picking at a flower. "Sometimes you have to do what is best for you, even if it is the hardest thing to do. So, if this was best for you, I hope you don't mind me saying that I'm very proud of you."

Talking about this again is getting to me, and I take a deep, shuddering breath to control my emotions. "Well, I don't think I deserve any pride after all I've done. Actually, I know I don't."

"Oh, Haley," she sighs. Everyone else in the room is silent; I guess they aren't willing to 'go there' on this subject with me right now. "Things are never quite as bad as you think they are." She turns to Dan. "Honey, Karen and Keith are in the waiting room, we should go say hello to them. Nathan, stay with your friends." Dan winks and waves at me, and they walk out of the room.

I turn my head, burying my face in Luke's shoulder. "I hate me," I mutter, it coming out muffled, anyways.

"Hales, Hales, stop it." I pull back and fix a look at him. "Fine, don't stop, but don't tell me about it. I don't like to hear you talk that way about yourself."

"Pussy," Brooke calls, trying to sound bored, but not pulling it off good enough to cover her interest in all things Lucas from me.

"You know, Davis, you are such a loud-mouthed, egotistical snot that I can't believe anyone would be your friend, let alone someone as smart as Haley."

"Look in the mirror, jerk, she's friends with you, too."

Nathan snorts, turning to look out the little window in the door. "You two always do this?" he asks, sounding only mildly interested.

"No, only when we're in the same room," Brooke huffs, glaring over me at Lucas.

"Nathan, if you want to leave, it's okay. I understand," I say softly, not wanting him to stay here out of some guilt imparted on him by Deb.

Brooke and Luke both go still beside me. Nathan looks between the three of us. "Yeah, I should actually go. You know, got stuff to do."

I nod. "Thanks for stopping by." He nods back at me, and steps out of the room.

"Does the 'thank you' count if your mommy and daddy made you do it, because hello? Totally lame." Brooke rolls her eyes.

"Shut up, Brooke, you damn bitch, what the hell do you know about anything Nathan does?" Luke says in a calm voice, "What gives you the right to judge his actions?"

"Please, both of you, not right now. It's all fun and games until one of you pokes my eye out, and I think that's where this is headed."

They both take deep breaths, about to respond when the door opens, and in walks a nurse, followed by Karen and Keith.

"What on earth is going on here?" the nurse sputters, obviously surprised. She turns to Karen. "You told me that the patient was not being disturbed in any way, shape, or form!"

"Well," hedges Karen, "Does she really look that disturbed? Actually, if you ask me, she looks better than she has in a week or so!"

The nurse just shakes her head. "Everybody out. Now," she says sternly. Brooke and Luke start to move when Keith stops them.

"One second, ma'am," he says in his most charming voice to the nurse, "I have a digital camera, and this is one time it'll actually come in handy."

The nurse glares at him, but relents. "One picture, and then you're all gone. I need to check vitals before the patient is discharged."

"Discharged?" I grin as Keith readies his camera.

"Yes, and I'll give you instructions on taking better care of yourself, as well," she notes, "Not eating and not drinking aren't healthy, young lady."

I nod, wondering how many lectures I'll get on this in the next few days. "Okay, you guys, big smiles. Smile for Daddy, Eric!" I know I must look all kinds of scary, but I smile big and bright anyways, and know that despite everything, I'll look back on the time in this bed fondly.

"Jason gets back today," Brooke reminds, as if that thought hasn't been etched into my brain.

I nod. "Yeah, the plane landed at noon."

We're on campus, having decided to take summer classes at the last minute. Tim moved back to Tree Hill for the summer to work with his dad, so I'm staying in their apartment with Brooke. Tim wasn't happy about it, but who can say 'no' to Brooke when she's really determined to get something?

"You going to try and talk to him today?"

I shake my head. "I left him a note saying I'd be staying with you for the summer, and that when or if he wants to talk, I'll be waiting. I doubt he'll want to see me right away, and I don't think it is fair to demand that he does, you know?"

She shrugs. "I don't know, there must be said to getting things taken care of and out of the way. And this is going to drive you crazy until you at least talk to him. You'll be nervous and anxious, and you'll spend way too much time thinking of possible outcomes." I roll my eyes at her. "Don't do that, you know I'm right. You obsess too often."

"Well, it's in my nature, I guess. But I'm trying not to worry about what will happen with Jason, and focusing on school instead."

"That's it. We're partying this weekend. Our apartment. I'll even let you invite Lucas, pretty please, party with me!"

"Oh, Tigger, that is such a bad idea. I mean, everyone we party with knows that Jase and I were supposed to get married, and I know it isn't anyone's business, but I don't want to have to tell people what happened."

She looks pensive for a minute. "Fine, then we'll party in Tree Hill. I hear that bitch Theresa is having a party, may as well crash it. Last time, my revenge plan fell through the cracks, but this time I'll stay sober so nothing can go wrong."

I'd forgotten all about the big '07 revenge plan. I'm tempted to ask, because I never did find out what they were, but I'm still probably better off not knowing. "I'll think about it," I tell her, figuring it'll spare a fight right now.

"I'm taking that as a 'yes', and I won't let you change your mind. In fact, this will be a good thing, us going out. We'll have fun hanging out."

"I still don't know if going out is such a good idea," I tell her, sighing, "It seems very cold and callous."

"You can't hole up forever, and I know you would. That's why you're lucky to have me – I won't let you cut yourself off from the world."

"I don't want to cut myself off," I attempt to explain, "I just think that it is only fair to Jason if I'm not out having this raging social life. Like a mourning period or something."

She shakes her head. "No way. You'll fall into the pattern of always staying home, withdrawing into yourself. I like my Tutor Girl the way you are now, and I'm not going to let you regress. Got it?"

How can I say no to that? "Yeah, yeah, fine."

"That's what I thought," she beams, "Now, I must go because I have class in ten minutes. See you at three after your last class?"

I nod, waving her off. "Starbucks?" I ask hopefully.

She nods. "Like always. I wouldn't expect anything else," she laughs, waving as she dashes off.

I let my head drop back, enjoying the warm, comforting feeling of the sun on my face. It's a gorgeous day, not too hot, not too cold, and the fresh air does me good. All of a sudden, a shadow crosses my face, and I open my eyes to see what is blocking my sun.

"Jason?" I gasp, shocked as hell that not only is he here, but that he'd talk to me now. Here. Damn, what do I say?

"Well, you remember my name, I guess that's something," he spits out, obviously bitter.

"Jason," I begin, but cut myself off when his hand slashes through the air.

"Don't talk – don't you dare talk to me right now." I clamp my mouth shut. "You – you put me through hell, which was wrong and cruel, but I can deal with that. But you had to hurt my family – my mom and my sisters, who were never, ever anything but kind and decent and loving towards you. That is something that you do not deserve to be forgiven for," he asserts.

I nod, looking at the ground. I want to apologize, I want to beg his forgiveness, let him know that I've never been sorrier for something in my entire life, but I know he doesn't want to hear it right now. Well, and he told me not to say anything.

"I've spent the last week thinking of things I could say to you, things I could do to you that would make you hurt half as bad as you've hurt me and the people I care about, but there is nothing that I can come up with that even approaches it." His voice is getting louder, and a few people are staring. "So, you win, Haley James, you win! You humiliated me in front of my friends and family – you walked out of our wedding, leaving me up there in front of everyone, and if that isn't enough, you left with your damn ex!"

"Jason, it wasn't like tha – "

"Shut up," he orders tersely, "You don't get to talk now, Haley! You don't get to say anything about this, you get that?" I nod. "What you did was despicable and selfish. I hope you know that." I nod again. "But thanks, thanks for doing it." I look up at him sharply. He smirks, "If you hadn't, who knows what worse damage you could've done to me and my family."

Just as I'm about to dissolve into tears, Brooke comes running back over. She shoves Jason, hard. "Knock it off, Jason. I know you're hurt, but you don't get to do this to her, you don't get to browbeat her when she's already torturing herself over it all."

He looks at her incredulously. "Do you have any idea of what she did? She ran out on our wedding, Brooke! You think she deserves to have me coddle her? Tell her that it is okay, I understand? That isn't going to happen!"

She closes her eyes briefly, and then bends down to help me pick up my stuff that I am furiously shoving into my backpack. "I'm not telling you to do those things, I'm just telling you to leave her alone. You aren't doing anyone any good, so knock it off."

"Jason," I try again, "For what it's worth – don't worry, I know it's near nothing – I am sorry. I didn't mean to hurt you."

He glares menacingly at me. Brooke guides me away. "Come on, Tutor Girl, you can walk me to class. I mean it, Jason, not now."

Realizing that I can't let Brooke handle my life, I pull away and turn back to Jason. "Brooke was wrong. You need to say everything you're feeling to me, and I need to hear it."

He rolls his eyes. "Anything I have to say is for my benefit, you got that? Nothing is for you, nothing I have to say should be used to fill whatever quota of suffering you think you might have so that your conscience can be wiped clean. You don't deserve that."

I nod. "I just want to apologize – "

"For what?" he screams, "For leaving me? For leaving with him? For not loving me enough to marry me? For being too much of a damn coward to actually tell me you don't love me to my face? That's BS, Haley! Some things you can't apologize for."

I watch helplessly as he storms off. Brooke grabs my hand and squeezes it, and I glance at her, brushing the tears off my cheeks.

"Well, uh, it went better than I expected," she quips.

I glare at her. "No jokes, not now, okay?" She nods. "It's funny, because rationally I knew he wouldn't forgive me, and I logically I know he shouldn't, but there was a part of me that hoped he would. How selfish is that?"

She drops my hand, but links arms with me, and we walk towards her class. "I'm going to be late," she comments, and I feel bad. Well, worse, I guess.

"I'm sorry. You should've gone to class and let him rant at me and get it all out. Maybe it would've been better that way."

"Please," she rolls her eyes, "That's ridiculous. You're my best friend, I'm not going to let someone talk to you like that, whether or not you deserve it."

Impulsively, I hug her. "Thank you. I don't deserve you, but thank you anyways. I love you."

"Love you, too," she smiles, "Start thinking about what you'll be wearing to that party. I think you are definitely going to need to get drunk."

I start to protest, but she rushes on. "Oh, don't worry, I'll get Luke to come, and I'll even be nice to him. Well, I'll be as nice as humanly possible. We'll make sure you don't do anything too wild and crazy."

"I still think going out isn't the greatest idea," I admit, "But it can't be any worse than what I've already done, can it?"

She grins, and for an instant it is crystal clear that it could be.

"I'll give that stupid bitch Theresa one thing," Brooke grumbles, "She sure can throw a party. Although I think half these people might be high school kids. That's kind of lame, don't you think?"

"Just a little," I agree, laughing at her expression, "You're going to have to check ID's or something."

"Hey! I never said I was going to hook up tonight!" she gasps, affecting an offended look. "I'll have you know I'm as chaste and pure as the driven snow."

"Please, say it to someone who might actually believe," I laugh.

Luke walks up and puts an arm around me. "She'd have to leave the tri-state area if she wants to find someone to believe that!"

"Hey, Lukie!" I jump in before these two can get started. "I didn't know you were going to be here for sure!"

"Well, I couldn't pass up the chance to party with my best friend, now could I?" he asks, grinning.

"It has been a long time," I agree, "God, it has been a long time since I've done anything like this here in Tree Hill."

"You're just a big-time college girl," Luke teases, and Brooke glares at him. "Too good for little, old Tree Hill anymore, I guess."

"Look who's talking," Brooke grumbles, "You're the one who moved a thousand miles away, so don't pick at her for moving thirty minutes away."

"Tigger, he was teasing," I tell her, not wanting bloodshed. Of course, I also don't want to play mommy to these two all, but looking around I don't see anyone I'd be better off talking to.

Luke wraps his arms around me from behind, resting his chin on the top of my head. "Yeah, I was teasing, not that it is any of your business."

"You guys, please, when you are around me, please knock off this – well, whatever it is, okay? It drives me insane!"

"Telling me not to harass him is like telling me not to breathe," Brooke whines, "So I don't think it is very fair that you expect me to stop!"

"You know I hate to do this, Hales, but I think she's right." I scowl at him, pissed they're going to gang up on me. "It's true, fighting with each other is in our nature. We can't just...not."

"Well, fine, but I don't have to stick around for it." I pull away from Lucas, and walk out of the room, fully intending to find a quiet place where I can people watch or something.

I hear them continue to argue behind, probably over which one of them it was that drove me out of the room. Or over which one of them gets to chase after me. Whatever, it doesn't matter. Drinking is out due to the dehydration, and I absolutely do not want to dance at all, so I find a spot on the back porch, and settle in to watch the people partying out in the big backyard.

"Nice night, huh?" a soft voice asks.

I look up, really surprised that Nathan is here. "Yeah, it's not too bad," I answer, keeping things impersonal, which he seems to be really into these days.

"You must be feeling better, huh?"

I shrug. "Yeah, I've been drinking a ton of water, so I am better."

"That's good to hear. How ya been otherwise?"

Again, I shrug. "Well, you know, it could always be worse, right? That's what everyone is telling me, anyways."

He smiles wryly. "Yeah, other people always seem to know what is best for you, don't they?" he says with the barest trace of irony.

His jab isn't really appreciated right now. "I wasn't complaining about it – they are probably right. It's just hard to see it right now."

He nods slowly. "Well, I just thought I'd say hi, so I guess I'll be moving on."

I want to ask him to stay – I want to ask him how school was this last year, and what his friends at UConn are like. I want to ask him about the girls he must be dating, and if he likes getting snow in the winter up there. But I can't. I can't ask him any of those things, so I keep my mouth shut, letting him walk away.

"You really can't stand to be around me, can you?" he asks, pausing in the doorway. I glance up at him, the shock of his question probably reflecting on my face.

"What? Nathan, no, I thought it was the other way around." He shakes his head, confused. "I just figured that you wouldn't want to see me or be around me, and I didn't want to push it."

Understanding dawns, and he sits down beside me. "You know, I wanted to give you space, and then at the hospital you told me I could leave, so I thought you wanted me to go, and so I did."

I reach over, and put my hand on his knee. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to push you away. Or at least, I wasn't trying to."

He nods, covering my hand with his own. "Then I'm sorry I ran. So, how you really doing? You look like shit," he says with a grin.

"Can't hear that enough," I laugh, "So, thank you for that uplifting bit. And I don't know how I am. Brooke and Luke have been great. They must be afraid I'm going to hurt myself or something because they are constantly hovering, making sure I have a water bottle and food with me."

"They love you," he nods.

"Yeah, I know that, and I appreciate it. They've been a good distraction. Even their fighting wasn't annoying until tonight," I laugh.

"They're fighting a lot?"

"All the time," I tell him, giving him a 'duh' look.

"Yeah, yeah, I should've known who I was talking about. It's Luke and Brooke, of course they're fighting."

"Well, of course they act like they're on the verge of having sex," I smile, "Which is part of the reason I wanted out of their way tonight. I don't want to get caught up in the middle of that."

He nods, smiling knowingly. "You know, he'd never admit it, but I think that Brooke was kind of 'the one that got away' for Luke."

I look at him in surprise. "You think? I mean, he never talked about her at all or anything. It just seems weird."

"She's his challenge," he shrugs, "She didn't give into him, she didn't cave and become friends with him like Peyton did."

I frown, wondering, "Is it always about a challenge or the chase?"

"Only if what you had was worth chasing." His words are fraught with meaning, but neither of us seem eager to delve into that meaning. It's just not the right time.

"Well, maybe they'll be the next wedding," I joke, "And hopefully it will actually be a happy occasion."

He grins, pleased to see me joking. "I wouldn't rush them to the altar just yet if I were you."

"Oh, come on, though, I could be the Old Maid of Honor," I laugh, my mood lightening further when he joins in my laughter.

"Fine, but I get to be the hottest best man every." I roll my eyes at him. "Oh, you know I am," he jokes, "Just admit it, you think I'm sexy."

I poke him in the side. "Yeah, you wish I did."

He places a hand over his heart. "You wound me, Haley J, you really do. I think I've got nothing left to live for now."

I lean my head on his shoulder, comfortable to be near him like this. "Is it weird that I've really missed you?" I ask him quietly.

"You know what I think?" he responds. "I think that it would be far, far weirder if we didn't miss each other."

I raise my head, looking at him quizzically. "You think so? After everything?"

"Because of everything," he states emphatically. "We've been everything to each other – boyfriend/girlfriend, friends, enemies, husband/wife – sometimes more than one at the same time."

"That's very insightful of you," I tell him, impressed. "You been taking psych classes or something?"

He grins. "Maybe one or two."

"Shut up!" I laugh, "You always thought those were such bullshit, I can't believe it!" I think about it for a second, turning to him. "There's a girl you like in there, isn't there?" I tease.

He looks at me like I'm crazy. "Nah, I had to take one last year spring semester for a general requirement, and I kind of liked it. Did you know they have an entire field for sports psychologists?"

"Well, yeah, I did. Wow, Nathan, are you interested in pursuing this?"

He shrugs. "I don't know. I like it, and I get it. It isn't worthless at all, even though I'd thought it was."

"You'd be good at that," I decide, after thinking about it for a few seconds, "You should definitely pursue it if you've found an interest in it."

"I just might do that," he nods, "It's definitely keeping my interest better than some of my other classes."

"Hey, that's not true. I know all about your hot to trot grades! You told me yourself, remember? And your mom told me awhile ago you were still kicking ass in that department."

He blushes, looking downward. "Well, I didn't have much better to do than study right now, anyways, so I ought to get good grades."

"I'm proud of you, and I always knew you had it in you," I commend him. "You done good, kid!"

"Hey," he laughs, "I'm eight months older than you, who you calling a kid?"

"Well, you act like it," I retort, bumping shoulders with him. "It's a shoe fits kind of thing, don't you think?"

"Hell, no," he mutters, messing up my hair. He stops abruptly, staring at someone behind me. "Shit," he swears.

I turn with a feeling of dread, and of course the feeling is justified as it is Tim and Jason standing there. I can't even imagine what they are doing here; Tim hates Theresa almost as much as Brooke does, and Jason isn't exactly a fixture in the Tree Hill scene.

"Glad to see you're in such good spirits, Haley," Jason says mildly.

I look away, unable to make eye contact with either. "If you want to fight, I really can't right now."

"Yeah, you have an arrogant ex-boyfriend to fuck, don't you?" Tim taunts. Nathan is up in flash and in his face.

"You son of a bitch, leave her alone. So she made a fucking mistake, big deal, it happens all the time. You're supposed to be her friend, and as a friend, you should see how much she's hurting!"

"Nathan, please," I sigh, grabbing a hold of his arm, "Don't do this." I know Nathan when he's confrontational and itching for a fight, and now is one of those times.

"No, Haley, if he were your friend, he wouldn't treat you like that!" He glances back at me, "And I'm sorry, but if he's going to try and be an ass to you, I'm going to say something."

I think he sees the pleading look in my eyes. I really don't want them to fight. He sighs again at me, and then turns back to Tim who takes the opportunity to slam his fist into Nathan's face.

"Tim!" I gasp in shock. As Nathan staggers, Jason jumps forward and nails him again, this time in the stomach. "Knock it off!" I scream, "What are you doing? Stop!" I try and get between Jason and Tim and Nathan, but it's hard, and they're all far bigger and far stronger than I am.

An errant elbow catches me in the chest, and I fall to the ground, holding my boob. Luckily some guys out in the yard noticed the commotion, and have ran up to break the fight up. As they disentangle them, I take a good look at them all, and am selfishly glad to see that Nathan gave as good as he got, even though he was ganged up on.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" I hiss at Tim and Jason, "If you want to treat anyone this way, attack me! He didn't do anything to either of you – I was the one who messed up, take it out on me!" I'm both screaming and crying by the end of my tirade, and Nathan grabs my arm and drags me back into the house. We go through the kitchen, and there Brooke and Luke are, making out against the counter.

"Great, I'm getting my ass kicked, and my brother is hooking up with a girl he supposedly hates," Nathan mutters. He looks at me and smirks. "Come on, I'll drive you – where are you living?"

"Brooke's apartment at school. But we're supposed to stay at her parent's tonight. You can just drop me off there," I suggest, "I have a key, and the Davis' are out of town."

He nods. "Let's go then." He walks over to Luke, clapping him on the shoulder. "Hey Loverboy, I'm taking Haley back to Brooke's. Unfortunate run-in." Brooke and Luke jump apart, looking first at Nathan and I and then each other in shock.

"With an army of guerilla warriors?" Luke asks, referring to Nathan's bruised face, "What the hell happened to you?"

"No, Tim and Jason. No army, just two people who are pissed at me, but took it out on him," I sigh. Brooke moves over to me and gives me a hug.

"I'm sorry, sweetie." I nod, smiling a little at her. "Hey, I'll take you home. I haven't had, um, a chance to drink anything yet, so I'm good for the road."

"You sure?" Nathan asks, "I mean, we didn't interrupt so you'd volunteer, just so neither of you would freak to find us gone."

"Yeah, I'm sure, I can take her. I need to go, too."

Lucas looks at her oddly. "Running away?"

Brooke glares back. "No, just being a friend to my best friend."

Nathan looks at me and gives me a small smile as he rolls his eyes. "Break it up already you two."

"Let's get out of here," I say, noticing that Tim and Jason are standing on the other side of the kitchen glaring at us.

Brooke notices where I'm looking, and walks over to them. She's too far away for me to hear what she's saying since she's talking quietly, but that's fine. Lucas puts a protective arm around me, and I look at him.

"What's going on with you and Brooke?" I ask, point blank.

He shrugs. "She has an animal attraction type of lust for me?" I give him a look. "I don't know, Hales, it's nothing serious."

"Don't hurt her. Don't get hurt. I don't want to be in the middle of your – this – well, whatever it is. I want no part of it. Don't ask me to take sides, I mean it. I'll tell her the same thing."

"Maybe it's just a summer fling," Nathan suggests, one eye on Tim and Jason as they converse with Brooke. "Look, Luke, you stay with Brooke, and I'll drop Haley off, okay?"

Luke grins. "Fine with me. Uh, you okay, Hales? Do you need Brooke or I with you?"

I roll my eyes at him. "I'll be fine, thank you very much." I turn to Nathan. "Let's get out of here. Luke, tell Brooke I love her, and I'll talk to her in the morning. Love you, too."

"I will. If you need me, you know the number," he grins – a cocky, 'I'm getting laid to tonight' grin.

"Let's roll, then," I say to Nathan. He nods, and we walk out the door. "Does it hurt?" I ask when we are in his car, pulling away.

His hand moves up to his jaw. "Just a little. Nothing an ice pack won't cure," he grins.

"I'm sorry," I tell him, hoping he gets my sincerity, "They had no right. You haven't done anything wrong. I wish they'd realize it was all me."

"You can't take responsibility for other people's actions. You told me that once," he reminds me.

"Well, they should still direct their issues to me where they belong."

He shrugs. "Its okay, Haley J, I'm fine." He grins. "I'm a tough guy, if I'd wanted, I could've kicked both their ass."

I laugh, shaking my head. "Wasn't it you who was complaining about his brother making out while you were getting your ass kicked? I think that was you..."

"Hey, I was just pissed that Luke didn't have my back," he says, defending himself. He pulls into Brooke's driveway. "Well, here we are."

"Yeah, here we are," I echo, kind of not wanting to leave the car. "Thanks for the ride, and extra thanks for sticking up for me. You had no reason to, and I appreciate it so much."

"I have lots of reasons to, Haley. Like I said earlier, we've been through a lot together, and I don't like seeing you hurt, and I really hate someone treating you that way." I open my door. "Well, I'll let you go now."

"Thanks. For everything, Nathan." I smile at him. "Maybe I'll see you around."

"Yeah, maybe," he agrees. I shut the door, and he drives off. I watch him go, sighing. He was really great to me tonight, and he's left me with a feeling of warmth.

I needed that, and now I have to wonder why Nathan is the one who can do that for me. The only one, perhaps.


	14. Wild Horses

**Gah, I'm a raging moron, but hopefully not many people have read what I posted yesterday – I forgot chapter twelve! Yup, went right from 11 to 13. Tsk, tsk. Anyway, that icky error has been fixed, so if you didn't get to read the REAL twelve (which features my favorite song evah), then it might make the real 13 a little more understandable. (Like I wouldn't give y'all a juicy lead-up to the wedding!)**

**And if anyone would (please, please, PLEASE) care to be my beta for a new story (non-Naley, more general), please email me: changeme1519 and that is at yahoo. Thanks! And thanks for your reviews! I lurve them!**

**Chapter Fourteen – _Wild Horses_**

'_I watched you suffer a dull aching pain_

_Now you decided to show me the same_

_No sweeping exits or off stage lines_

_Could make me feel bitter or treat you unkind_

_Wild horses, couldn't drag me away_

_Wild, wild horses couldn't drag me away'_ – Rolling Stones

Late August, 2009

Nathan left to go back to school a few days after the run-in with Tim and Jason, and I really miss him. It's almost as if I spent so much time denying that I miss him as well as denying his importance in my life, and it is all back with a vengeance now. Which is probably a bad thing, considering.

He has a girlfriend. While he didn't make it seem like a big deal when he was talking about how studying was all he had to do, Luke made it sound like it is an important thing for him. I won't put myself in the way of that, so I'll sit back for now and let him dictate the rules of our relationship. It is the least I can do.

And that's the best thing for me, too, at this point in time. I just got out of a serious two-year relationship that damn near ended in marriage. It would be in no way, shape, or form okay for me to pursue any kind of relationship right now. I don't even know where my head is.

Then again, Nathan has been first and foremost on my mind lately. Thing is, though, that I don't know why this is. Is it because he was my first love? Is it because he was my true love? Or is it because I'm alone now, and he would be a good candidate for filling the void? Right now, none of those options can or will be acted on, that is all there is to it.

The best part about this summer is that Luke decided to stay here for the summer. He should be up in Michigan training for basketball in the fall and I've told him that a zillion times, but his reasoning is that this way he'll get one summer off before he has to get a real job in the real world next June. I can respect that.

Brooke and I decided to avoid Tree Hill for as much of the summer as we could, so we are here at her apartment. We've ran into Jason and Tim several times in Tree Hill – Brooke found out from Tim that Jason is staying there with him for the summer since I'm so close now that I'm staying with Brooke. Lucky for me, they've been quick to avoid me at almost all costs. Selfish, yeah, but it's a relief to know that I'm not going to be yelled at as I walk down the streets of Tree Hill.

"So, do you want to head down to the quad and see what people are doing, or stay here and watch fireworks on TV?" I ask Brooke, kind of wanting to get out of here. "It's such a nice night, and all," I reason.

She shrugs, "I don't know. What we should do is go to Tree Hill and hang out at Deb and Dan's with everyone." They are having a big barbeque, and of course invited both Brooke and me. "It's stupid to avoid an entire town because Jason is living there for the time being."

I nod, conceding, "I know that, Tigger, but I just think he deserves his space. And in retrospect, it was pretty shitty of me to move into an apartment in the same building, you know?"

"Maybe you're too full of yourself," she says, looking at me.

"What?" I ask, surprised she'd say that.

"Maybe he isn't quite as distraught as you think he is," she intones, "Maybe he's slowly but surely getting over it."

I shrug. "Fine, maybe he is, but it has only been two weeks, and anyways, you only want to go to that party because you know Lucas will be there."

She shrugs, but grins. "Yeah, well, there could be worse reasons, right?"

"Hell if I know," I mutter, but then cave, "Fine we can go. If not, I'd basically be a cock-blocker, and I don't need you ragging on me for months to come, now do I?"

She laughs, clapping your hands. "Well, excellent. It'll be good for both of us to get out of this apartment far away from our textbooks and stuff."

"And it'll be excellent for you to get a piece of ass, right?" She nods, smirking. "Oh, shit, you know, Tim's family lives next door to the Scotts now," I remind her, almost having forgot myself that they'd moved there a few weeks ago.

"Who cares?" she asks, "Look, Tutor Girl, I feel as much for Jase as the next person does, but let's be real here – you do NOT have to avoid him forever. You don't. It's that simple. You don't have to avoid your own friends and family because it might upset him. That's stupid, and while he may have a right to be upset with you, he doesn't have a right to expect that."

"Still, Tigger, it isn't fair of me to invade his space."

She rolls her eyes. "It isn't his space, so I don't really see the problem here. I know you're trying to be cautious of his feelings, and that's cool; I even respect it. But Haley, you can't hole up here to avoid him."

I nod. It isn't that I don't know all of this, it really isn't. It's just that I don't want a confrontation. At this point, I want to avoid that more than I want to avoid hurting his feelings. "Tigger, he punched Nathan. Multiple times," I remind her, "Nathan, who didn't do anything to him."

"No reason? Hales, get real." It's disconcerting and frankly freaking me out that she's picked up Luke's nickname for me. "Nathan was who Jason had to measure up to, and it's obvious that he never quite did."

"Hey, that's not true," I argue, "I never wanted Jason to 'live up' to Nathan in any way. I didn't have expectations like that. If he felt pressure, it wasn't from me."

She shrugs. "Whatever you say. But Hales," she says, and I know I'm in for an argument now, "He had to feel at least some sense of competition! I mean, Nathan was your first love, and you turned Jason down the first gazillion times he asked you out because you were still in love with Nathan. I mean, Jason isn't dumb, he had to know what Nate means to you."

I sigh, not seeing why this is relevant. "Tigger, come on. I didn't run off with Nathan, I never cried out his name during sex, and I never pulled out my box of Nathan stuff, either. I never, ever did anything to make him feel less than Nathan, I know that."

She laughs. "I don't doubt that, hon, I'm just saying – he knew. He knew what Nathan was for you, how important. It's like – okay, you know how when you first started dating Nathan eons ago?" I nod. "Well, he had just broke up with Peyton, right? But you knew, instinctively, I guess, that she wasn't a threat."

I think about it for a minute, finally just shrugging. "But Nathan really wasn't a threat. That was me," I tell her plaintively. "It was me."

"We aren't having this argument again," she decides, "Let's go get dressed for this barbeque. I don't care if Tim and Jason sit in a tree next door and glare at you all night long, we are going to have fun. No matter what."

She holds her fist out, and I hit it with mine. "Fine, we'll have fun. But if anyone is hanging out in a tree watching anyone, I reserve the right to be creeped out."

"Fair enough," she giggles, and we go to our separate rooms to get changed and ready for the barbeque.

I change into a cute, comfortable pair of khaki capris and a light pink tube top. I borrow a pair of light pink tennis shoes from Brooke, and I figure I'm cute and summery enough to go to an August barbeque. At my ex-husband/boyfriend's parent's house. Where I might see my ex-fiancé. My life is so weird.

"Get your ass out here, Tutor Girl!" Brooke yells, and after one last glance in the mirror, I head out to meet her.

"Hey!" she whines, "Those are my shoes!"

I nod, laughing. "And that's my shirt you have on, so shut up already!"

She sighs. "Fine, let's just get going. The damn thing did start about a half hour ago, so we're going to be late."

Once we get out to the car, I look over at her. "Tig?" She glances at me from the passenger seat. "What's going on with you and Lucas?"

She looks away, out the window. "I don't know. I mean, we have this wicked arguing thing going on that is actually fun, but then I can't keep my hands off him. It's like there is something about him that makes me want to pin him down on the bed and lick his – "

"Enough!" I shout, laughing. "Oh, my God, did you really think I wanted to hear about your sex life with Luke? Ew!"

"Hey, there is nothing 'ew' about our sex life. It's a little kinky, yeah, but I mean, it's me and Luke, how could it not be?"

I shake my head. "Brooke, please. He's practically my brother, and you are my best friend. Just no, okay?"

"Aw, come on, you're no fun," she laughs, cajoling me. I shake my head at her, and we fall into more neutral subjects for the rest of the drive.

There are quite a few cars in the driveway and on the street when we get there, and to my relief I see Karen and Keith's as well as Luke's. Brooke and I jump out, still gossiping about our favorite soap opera that we got hooked on during lunch hour this summer.

"Luke is so hotter than Mark," she says in reference to my favorite character, "He has that hot basketball player upper body."

"Yeah, but Mark has those dreamy dark eyes, and that sun-kissed hair. He's so pretty," I giggle.

"Whatever," she laughs, bumping hips with me as we walk through the gate on the side of the house to the backyard.

"Hawey!" Eric cries when he sees me, running over with his arms up, "Hawey up!" I laugh, and pick him up.

"Hey buddy, how are you?" He doesn't answer, eagerly going to Brooke when she holds her arms out to him. "Traitor," I mutter, only half-joking.

"Ha, Scott men love me," Brooke brags, "They fall at my feet, they worship the ground I walk on. I'm like, their goddess or something."

I roll my eyes at her, and leave them behind to go say hi to everyone. Dan and Luke are manning the grill together, and they look like they're having a good conversation, so I figure I'll find Karen and Keith first.

"Haley, hi!" Keith smiles, giving me a hug, "Why haven't I seen you lurking around my garage or the café lately? Too busy for an old friend?"

"Never," I smile, returning the hug, "But I have been busy with these classes I'm taking. Have to keep those grades up!"

"When you graduate, you can redo the lounge of the garage," he tells me. I laugh, thinking he's joking. "No, I'm serious," he protests, "I want to be your first paying customer."

"Wow, thanks, Keith, I'd love that," I grin, hugging him again, "You're the best!"

Karen, who was talking to the neighbors who live across the street from Deb and Dan, turns around to us. "You know, Keith, I've known her a few days longer, I think Deb and I should get first dibs on her redoing the café, don't you?"

I laugh. "Wow, cool, you guys are fighting over me. I don't think that has ever happened before." Well, besides two months ago, when my ex-husband/boyfriend fought my ex-fiancé, but that was different.

"You're worth fighting over, Haley James," Karen teases, "Now, Keith, I need you to help Deb and I out with this cooler. It's too heavy for either of us to carry." She winks at me, and I know that they could manage together, and probably on their own, but it's more fun to get him to do it.

I laugh, shaking my head a little, and walk over to where Dan and Luke are still talking. Brooke is sitting a ways away, Eric bouncing on her lap, as she talks to Deb. Her eyes are mostly focused on Lucas, though, and I can't help but wonder if this whole thing with them is good.

"Hey guys," I say cheerfully as I approach them. "How goes the grillin'?"

"We're Scott men, everything we grill turns to gold." Dan says this, so I'm not entirely sure if it's a joke or not until he and Luke both start laughing.

"And you're a strange lot, too," I laugh, joining in the joking. Luke puts his arm around my shoulder, oven mitt in my face. "Luke, what the hell?"

"You don't like the smell of hot charcoal and singed cloth?" he laughs, rubbing it over my face.

"Brat."

"Okay, kids, no horseplay near the grill," Dan laughs. "Luke, if you want to go visit your friends, I can handle things here. I promise not to burn your hamburger like I did last time. And Swiss cheese, no cheddar."

Luke smiles at the memories. "Yeah, thanks, Da – uh, Dan." I have to bite the inside of my cheek to keep from gaping, but I think he almost said Dad. Judging by the way he's blushing now, I'm right. He grabs my arm and drags me off. I glance over my shoulder and smile at Dan, who stares after us with a wistful expression.

"Shit, Luke, why are you manhandling me?" He walks me to the edge of the yard, and we sit down in a hammock that is tied between two trees. "Is it because you almost called him 'Dad'?"

"You could tell?" he groans, "That means he probably could, too."

"Is it such a bad thing?" I ask, "He looked thrilled by the mere possibility. I mean, I know things will never exactly be normal with the Scott family, but you and Dan have come one hell of a long way."

He shrugs. "I feel disloyal to Keith. I mean, he's given me his blessing, thinks it is great that Dan and I have mended fences, but thinking of Dan as my father – no, as Dad is a whole different thing."

I lay my head on his shoulder. "I think Keith would be happy for you, Luke, I really do." We've had conversations similar to this one over the years, but this is different. This is more serious than concern over Dan's presence at a game when Keith couldn't afford to go, or Luke taking up Dan's offer to play golf this summer. This is bigger than that.

"Well, you know what?" I ask, "No matter what, you have me. And what else could you need, Luke? I mean, what else is there?"

He laughs, reaching over to tickle me. "Stop!" I shriek, "Mercy!"

"Say 'uncle'!" he grins, "Say it or I won't stop!"

"Uncle!" I squeal, and he finally stops. "You are just as much of a brat today as you were when we were six."

He laughs, "You know, you are, too." At my look, he smiles knowingly at me. "Hales, come on, it's totally true!"

I roll my eyes at him. "Whatever, you can't win this by deflecting your juvenile tendencies onto me, you know."

"Well, I sure as hell can try," he laughs, and I join in. We quiet, and the I turn to him, ready to get serious.

"What's going on with you and Brooke?"

He winces. "Do we have to wreck whatever it is by putting a name on it?" he asks with a sigh.

"Luke, you and Brooke have been my rocks – you forever, and her recently, but you have. And I love you both so much, and I would really hate to see either of you hurt. I think that'd be worse for me than – well, you know."

"I don't want anyone to get hurt, either," he admits, "But I also don't want to end whatever it is just as a preventative measure. It might not be conventional, but it is fun, Hales. Brooke annoys the hell out of me, but she's like a flame that draws me in."

"Okay," I sigh, "But please be careful. Brooke isn't just that tough as nails, devil may care person, okay? She's really sensitive, with good reasons, and I'll hurt you if you hurt her. Got it?"

"Geez, I hope you get this fierce in your defense of me," he mutters, "But yeah, I got it. Believe me, I have no reason to hurt Brooke, and I will definitely do everything I can to not hurt her. Good enough?"

I let out a crack of laughter as Luke touches his foot to the ground, making the hammock swing. "Yeah, that's good enough. And Luke? I worry about you, too, but you're stronger. And Tim and I – we are all that Brooke has, so if she were to get hurt, she wouldn't have that support system that you have. I just don't want to see her broken, alright?"

He nods. "I promise I won't break her, but I can't promise she won't break me."

"If that was a sex joke, I don't appreciate it," I tell him sternly, hoping that is what he meant, not wanting to consider the alternative. That he's falling in love with her. It's not that I begrudge them that – it's just that I'd be surprised if things end well between them. That's why I'm so protective of them both.

"It wasn't a joke," he sighs, "Look, if we're going to be honest, I guess I should just tell you there are feelings there. On my part, I mean. I don't know what's going on inside her head, but I know that – well, shit, I don't know exactly, but I like her. More than just a sexual attraction."

"Well," I say after a quiet minute, "Then I hope you figure things out. If you can get Brooke to make a go of things, more power to you. But I'm not going to be your liaison, got it?"

"Yeah, so you won't pass notes back and forth that say 'check yes if you like me, no if you don't'?" he jokes.

I crack up, "No, but I will play M.A.S.H. or the fortune teller game with her to see if you two are true love!"

"Don't you mean 'twu wuv'?" he asks, eliciting another laugh from me. And this, this is why we have friends. So they can invoke your favorite movies at the perfect time, cracking you up.

"Luke? You know I love you, right?" He looks over at me like I'm crazy.

"Of course I know, Hales. And you know I love you, too, right?" He looks perplexed still. "I haven't forgotten to tell you that lately, have I?"

"No, I just wanted to make sure you knew. You've been so great, and I know that you probably should've gone back to Ann Arbor for basketball. I also know that I'm at least part of the reason you stayed, and I appreciate that. It has been really great having you here this summer."

He leans over and kisses me on the cheek. "It was for you in part," he acknowledges, "But it was for me, too. And it has been really good! Hey, you know, I realized that Eric barely knows me – seriously, he's way more comfortable with you and Brooke, and I'd guess Tim, too, since you all hung out so much. I want him to me, and I want to know him."

"He loves you, and he isn't nearly as uncomfortable around you now," I point out, "He hangs on you like you're a jungle gym."

He laughs. "I know, and it's good. But I wouldn't have gotten that if I hadn't stayed here. And you know, basketball is important to me, but it isn't everything."

I pretend to gape at him in shock. "A Scott man admitting basketball isn't everything? I think I'm having a coronary!"

He rolls his eyes, but laughs good-naturedly. "Hey, I hear I'm not the only Scott man who has come to realize that's true," he sighs.

"What does that mean?" I ask him, thinking he might've heard about the conversation Nathan and I had in the days after Karen and Keith's wedding.

"Duh, Dan," but there is a look in his eyes that tells me he might know more than he's letting on, "And if I can help it, Eric will never get caught up in that BS."

"You're a good big brother, Lucas Scott," I tell him with a smile.

"Well, I sure try. Now, come on, enough best friend bonding, let's go bug Brooke," he smirks, with that very mischievous glint in his eyes.

"You are such a brat, Scott," I reprimand him, but willingly jump off the hammock, laughing when it flips him over, dumping him out.

"Ow?" he asks, laughing as he intermittently glares at me. I start edging away from him. "Yeah, you better run!" he calls after me, brushing himself off.

I do, and end up over by the drinks. Dan is there as well, and hands me a beer. "Thank you," he tells me sincerely. I look at him blankly. "For Lucas. I probably shouldn't say this – it is very insensitive – but if your wedding hadn't ended the way it did, Luke wouldn't have stayed, and I wouldn't have gotten this incredible opportunity to bond even further with him."

I blush a little, still feeling awful every time that is brought up. "Well, I'm just glad that something good has come out of it," I say enigmatically.

He points over to where Brooke and Luke are hugging. "Maybe more than just one good thing, huh?"

I shake my head. "Who knows with those two?" I pause for a minute, wondering if it is okay for me to ask this question. Deciding that if he can virtually thank me for running out on my wedding, I can ask him this. "What changed? I mean, a few years ago, if Nathan or even Luke had stayed home for the summer instead of playing basketball with his team, you'd have freaked. But not anymore."

He has the grace to look chagrined, but there is also an awful lot of regret in his eyes, as well. "What can I say? I was so stupid, so out of touch with what was important, and I tried to push basketball – which was basically my religion – on everyone else. When everyone around me found happiness outside of it, well, that was a wake up call. And then the heart attack. Everything put together just made me realize that I was the one who was wrong, the one with the pathetically displaced priorities."

I'm quiet for a moment, thinking. "It's good, you know? You have a great family, and what's the point of having it if you can't enjoy it?"

"Absolutely none." He glances back over at Brooke and Luke, who are now feeding each other bits of hot dog. How romantic. "They are so cute it kind of makes you sick, doesn't it?" he laughs.

"Just a little bit," I agree, more worried than ill over this. They both look so...well, happy, as they tease each other and flirt.

"I talked to Nathan earlier today," he says, seemingly out of the blue, "He's going to come down next weekend for Labor Day. We were going to have a smaller family barbeque to send him and Luke for their last year of college. Of course, you and Brooke are invited."

Wow, times have really changed. Of course, I think that every time I talk to Dan. But at least this time he's given me fair warning that Nathan will be back in Tree Hill, and that I'll be seeing him here. Even if I wanted to, there is no way I could miss a barbeque like this for both Luke and Nathan. Just not possible.

"I'll definitely be there, and judging by this, I bet Brooke will want to come, too."

"Good. Everyone will be happy to see you both," he smiles, "Well, I'd better go help Deb clear some of this food away before all the bugs have gotten into it. Hey, did you eat?" I shake my head. "Well, go on in the kitchen and grab something – there's fresh stuff in there."

I laugh, thanking him, and head inside. I grab a few things to eat, and then wander around, looking at the pictures of Nathan Deb has prominently displayed throughout the house. There are a couple of he and I that make me smile – one at graduation, a few from the various high school dances we attended, and one from Halloween.

"Haley?"

I turn around, surprised to see him. Actually, after all that's been said and done, surprise is probably too mild a word. "Tim, what are you doing here?"

"I, uh, saw your car out front, and thought you might have a couple of minutes. Can we go out front?"

I nod, following him out and sitting down next to him on a bench. "What's going on, Tim?"

He sighs, looking at his shoes. "This isn't easy for me, and I feel like shit doing it, but I feel like shit not doing it, so doing it seems the best option. I think."

"You're confusing me," I tell him softly.

He nods. "Look, I'm sorry. I've been a real ass to you, and Brooke's right – you are my friend, and I don't have the right to treat you as I did. So, I'm sorry for that. It was just hard, you know?"

I want to throw my arms around his neck, thank him for....well, for not hating me forever, but I restrain myself. I'm not sure exactly how much touchy feely he's willing to have with me now.

"I – can we, um, try and be friends again?" I ask instead, not taking for granted that this is why he's here.

"I'd really like that. I would hate to lose your friendship. It's still hard – Jason is my cousin, but James, he's my friend, too."

I nod. "I know, Tim, and I don't want to mess with that or upset either of you more. I can't change the past, but I can sure as hell tread water in the future and make sure I don't screw up anymore."

"Well, we'll just have to figure out a way that I can balance things or something," he says somberly, "I don't want to lose your friendship, but I don't want to hurt Jason anymore."

"He doesn't know you're over here, does he?" I ask, stating the obvious.

He shakes his head. "Nah, he went out for a run when my sister pointed out you and Brooke getting out of your car. He's still gone."

I frown. "That was a long time ago, Tim, do you think he's hurt or something?"

"I doubt it. Look, I know you don't want to hear stuff like this, but I think that he just doesn't want to be near you right now. And I think one house away is too close."

I drop my head down into my hands. "How did I get here? How did I let myself get to a place where I hurt someone who means so much to me? Hurt them so bad they can't even be within a hundred yards of me? I don't understand how I did this," I cry.

The air is silent around me as Tim doesn't have a ready answer for me. After a few minutes of my silent crying, his arms come around me. "I know you didn't mean to hurt anyone." And with those eight words, I feel worlds better. I feel like I've gotten a friend back, or that it is at least a possibility now.

"I thought you'd never talk to me again," I whisper, wrapping my arms around him in return. "I wouldn't have been shocked if you didn't."

"Yeah, I thought about it. Actually for awhile, I thought I wouldn't. And then I just knew that I had to, that I couldn't just brush off our friendship, not when I knew that you didn't mean for things to happen like this."

I nod, pulling back and giving him a watery smile. "If there was anything I'd have hoped for, it would've been that: that you at least would've known I hadn't meant to do it. I hoped that even if you still wouldn't have wanted anything to do with me, you might know that."

"Well, I do," he nods, "I do. It just doesn't make it okay, though. That's the damn thing, I know you didn't mean, and I even believe that if you could go back and do things differently, you would. But knowing it doesn't make how it did happen okay."

I nod, completely ashamed of myself. I hurt one of my best friends this bad, and I hurt Jason even worse, who I was supposed to have loved more than anyone. I decide that admitting this is the best way to go.

"I'm ashamed, Tim, ashamed of what I did. I – I," I choke out, tripping over the words, "I hate myself for doing this, for hurting him and his family. For hurting you."

He sighs. "All we can do is move forward."

I shake my head. "But it won't be the same," I whisper mournfully, "You have no idea how much my friendship with you has meant to me!"

He laughs a little, "Yeah, I think I do. Because you know, yours and Brooke's have been the same for me."

"And I wrecked it," I say succinctly summarizing all that is wrong now.

"Just a little," he agrees, smiling wryly, "Look, it doesn't have to be wrecked, though. I wouldn't have come here if I thought I couldn't hang out with you."

"What do you suggest? Shared custody of the Tim-Man?"

He laughs, loudly and genuinely. "That might be the way we have to go. But you know, he has tons of friends and frat brothers and stuff, so it won't be so bad. You'll get your fair share of me," he grins.

"Thank God," I cheer, laughing, too, "I really missed you."

"You got to ruin it by getting all serious and mushy, huh?" he asks, "Well, fine, I missed you, too. I'm glad I came over tonight."

I can't help but grin at him. "Me, too. I missed jogging with you every morning. Brooke will never let me drag her ass out of bed, so I've been going by myself unless I can bug Luke into it."

"Luke? I thought he was staying here at his mom's place?"

I shake my head. "Sorta. But he also spends an awful lot of time hovering over me making sure I drink plenty of water and eat plenty of vegetables," I tell him, crinkling my nose, "And he also spends a lot of time in Brooke's bed."

He gapes, leaning forward. "No kidding? I thought they just fought all the time, I didn't realize there was more to it."

"Oh, there's a lot more," I tell him, marveling at the reminder that guys love gossip as much as any girl does. "They drive me crazy with their push/pull games, but they're both happy for now, so I guess it's fine."

He shakes his head again. "That is so weird. For all the time Brooke spent griping about him, now she's spending that time..." he trails off.

I finish his thought, "Now she's spending that time doing things to him that I certainly don't want to think about."

"Maybe she's finally putting that mouth of hers to good use," he jokes, laughing.

"Tim!" I exclaim, laughing too, "That is so gross, I didn't need to hear that!"

"Hey, you started this conversation!" he retorts, "And anyways, not that I know or anything, but I'm guessing it isn't like you've never put your mouth to good use in that way before."

I smirk at him. "Well, Timmy Boy, there are some things you will never find out."

"I bet Brooke knows," he pouts.

"Well, Brooke is a girl," I point out, "And girls can tell each other stuff like that. You're like, a boy, and stuff."

He laughs. "You're a brat, James. But I missed that about you."

A shadowy figure walks up, standing at the bottom of the steps. I know his body well enough to recognize him even in the dim light, which is slightly disconcerting. "Tim," he begins uncomfortably, "Your little sister is wondering where you are. Said something about you promising her a trip to the ice cream store?"

Tim looks at me apologetically. I smile back, patting his knee. "Thanks for coming over," I tell him, "I missed you. I'm sorry." I whisper that last part, and he nods, knowing what I mean.

"I'll call you soon; you can fill me in on the rest of the Brooke gossip. She sure as hell never told me any of this stuff when we talk," he frowns. "I'll see ya."

I watch him walk off, and to my surprise, Jason doesn't follow him. "You're not leaving, too?" I ask needlessly.

He shrugs. "I should. There probably isn't much to say – except everything, of course. I can't, though. I have to ask, I have to know – why?"

"Why?" I choke out, not wanting him to be meaning what I think he's meaning.

"Yeah, why?" he asks more firmly, "Why'd you leave me there, at the altar? What is so wrong with me that you couldn't marry me, couldn't love me enough to marry?"

My breath catches in my throat. This is exactly what I didn't want him to ask, exactly what I didn't want to have to think through for myself. I look away, breaking eye contact, unsure what to say. Can I say that I don't know why exactly, just that I knew it wasn't right, wasn't what I wanted? Is that enough of an explanation? Probably not.

"Jase, I don't know. It just – I guess I just realized it wasn't right, that it wasn't what I wanted." I'm fighting not to cry again.

"I wasn't Nathan, you mean?" he questions.

I shake my head, vehemently denying this possibility, to him and myself. "It wasn't that, Jase! I just couldn't do it – it was about me and you, not Nathan. I swear, that's the one thing I can promise."

"That's crap," he mutters, "God, I was so stupid not to see that it was about him, that so much of what you and I had was colored by what you had with him."

Honestly, it's a shock he's feeling this way because I had fought so hard to keep Nathan separate, a part of my past, and make Jason solely my present and then future.

"Jason, it wasn't about Nathan! I couldn't marry you! You, not him! When I was walking to meet you, it was your face I saw!"

"And that was just the problem, wasn't it?" he asks quietly, "That it was me, and not him!"

"No, it wasn't. The problem wasn't who you were, the problem was just this whole myriad of things, the top of which being that I was ready. I'm too young, and marriage is so huge." Sadly, the lies roll off my tongue easily enough.

"If that was the case, you wouldn't have said yes in the first place. And if that was the case, you and I would still be together today."

"Jason, that's not true. God, didn't you ever feel like things were too perfect, too easy? Life isn't always supposed to be easy!"

"So you ran off because it was easy and perfect? Why do I find that so hard to believe, Haley?"

I look him directly in the eye. "I wasn't going to be happy, Jason. I wasn't happy the whole time we were planning the wedding; I made myself sick over it. More than you will ever know, I am sorry over how I ended things, but I'm still not sorry that I ended them. It was the right thing to do."

He nods, turning away. Pausing in his walk, he turns back to me. "You might want to figure out what exactly it is that you want, Haley, because I'm beginning to think that you are the only one who doesn't get it. Of course, it doesn't say much that I was the second to last to get clued in."

He walks off, not looking back this time. Is he right? Was it more about Nathan than it was Jason and me? At this point, I just don't know.

The week flies by as Brooke and I busted our asses to do well on our finals for our summer classes. I think I did fairly well on mine, and I now have all the required classes out of the way, and can solely focus on classes for my major this upcoming semester.

Today is the day of the barbeque that Dan is throwing for Nathan and Luke. Luke is excited to see Nathan again, but getting oddly distraught at the knowledge he'll be leaving Tree Hill in a few days. I'm not sure if it has more to do with leaving Brooke or Dan, and truth be told, I don't know which is stranger.

Luke and Brooke were spending the morning at the beach with Eric, so I decided to make myself useful and help Deb and Dan set up. It has nothing to do with the fact that Nathan might be there. I don't think, anyways.

Deb opens the door when I knock, and ushers me inside, obviously glad to see me which brightens my smile.

"I barely got a chance to talk to you last week," she sighs, "We just had too many people here. So how are you doing?"

"I'm great now that finals are over. Of course, it's only a few months until December, and I'll have to start them all over again," I smile.

"But you'll be graduating in May," she points out, "So that has to be added incentive to get through them now, right?"

"You have no idea," I laugh. "So, what can I do to help?"

"Oh, there isn't anything to do. We bought those pre-made burger patties and New York steaks, so that's taken care of with no prep work. And I've already got all the condiments ready to go."

"You're a wiz," I grin.

She laughs. "All those years at the café have paid off – Deb Scott can now slice tomatoes," she jokes.

I laugh with her, shaking my head. "To think all it took was hanging around a café. No wonder I'm so accomplished."

"Am I to understand this? If I hang around a café, I won't have to spend all my cash eating out every day?" Nathan asks from behind us. I freeze up at the sound of his voice, but will myself to quickly relax.

"Nathan! You're home!" Deb exclaims, "You know, I was worried when your dad said that you weren't coming until today."

He shrugs, looking gorgeous and sexy and – where did those thoughts come from? I shake my head to clear it of them.

"I had to stay for Stacy's birthday. Well, I didn't have to, but I'd promised that I would, and I would've felt bad if I didn't."

I wonder if Stacy is the girlfriend, but it isn't my right to ask. It isn't my right to feel anything in regards to him even having one. I feel stupid just standing here, and the urge to fidget is damn near overwhelming.

"Well, honey, why don't you go put your stuff in your room? Take Haley with you; she'll pester me for something to do if you don't," she teases, knowing that it is in my nature to bug adults for tasks.

"Oh, you don't have to," I tell him when she leaves the hallway, "I'm sure you want to do stuff on your own. I'll just hang out in the kitchen. I even promise not to bug your mom for something to do."

He smiles a little, sighing. "Nah, come on, it's fine."

I nod, and follow him. "Have a good summer?" I ask, figuring small talk is the way to go.

"Sure, it was alright. I spent a lot of time with basketball, but I did manage to take two summer classes. Finally declared my major." I wait with bated breath for him to tell me what it is. "Sports psych. I love it!"

I can't contain the big grin that comes across my face. "You'll be great at it, Nathan," I tell him, smiling, "I'm happy you found something you like."

"Yeah, it's awesome. What about you? How was school? Lucas drive you crazy hanging around all summer?"

I smirk, sitting down on his desk chair. I could've sat on his bed ­– the bed that I've spent plenty of other nights with him in, but it seemed too personal.

"Actually, he's been great for the most part. He and Brooke are, um, well, they're whatever," I shrug.

"Fucking like bunnies?" he asks, and I nod, smiling.

"Pretty much. It's weird, but in a good way, if that makes sense."

"Are you sure it isn't just weird?" he asks.

"Sometimes it is," I acknowledge with a sigh, "But mostly just when I'm being selfish and resent being their third wheel."

He laughs, "Well, I can see how that would suck, but hey, Luke leaves this week, so you'll have at least one of them all to yourself again."

"Hey, even I'm not selfish enough to want Luke gone for that reason. Besides, I think I'd have gone crazy without those two doing their thing this summer." I sigh, looking down at my feet, "I'll really miss him again. Just when I'd gotten used to him butting into everything I do, he leaves. It's been a long time since he's butted into my business and got all protective."

"Three years," he nods.

"No, longer," I contradict, "Probably after he came back from Charleston he realized I was going to be okay." I don't say it, but we both know that I mean that Luke realized Nathan wasn't going to hurt me.

He looks surprised. Well, of course he did. He and Luke may have made strides in their relationship up to that point, but they certainly weren't best friends like they are now until the summer before our senior year. It took awhile.

"Huh, who knew?" he grins, tossing something at me. It's a wadded up shirt.

"Nathan, I'm not doing your laundry," I tell him with as much exasperation as I can muster without laughing.

"I'm wounded – it's clean, for your information. And I'll have you know that I am very proficient at doing my own laundry these days."

"Like you wouldn't get someone else to do it if you could, though," I argue, looking at the shirt in my hands, "What do you want me to do with this?"

"I want you to have it," he explains, "You have my high school jersey, so you should have one of my college jerseys, too. And this way, you won't have to come up to UConn and pay $69.95 for it in the student bookstore."

I laugh, more than a little touched he'd give this to me. "Thanks, Nathan, I really love this."

"You gonna shove it in a box with the other one?" he asks, only the twinkle in his eyes betraying the fact that he's teasing me.

"What makes you think the other one is in a box?" I ask lightly, playing along.

"Well, let's see, your ex-fiancé probably wouldn't have gotten a kick out of you wearing it. I mean, if you'd worn Luke's jersey when we were together, I'd have shit bricks." I laugh. "And you can't really sleep in it – the arm holes drop down so low you might as well wear nothing."

"You never complained about that," I retort before I can think about it. When I do, the blushing commences, hot and overwhelming. "Damn it, I have a big mouth," I laugh nervously, trying to play it off.

He blushes, too, but doesn't say anything. This just furthers my embarrassment, so I rack my brain for excuses to go downstairs. "Well, I'm going to go see if your mom has changed her mind about needing help," I tell him, standing up and heading for the door.

"You don't have to go, Haley," he sighs, "And it doesn't have to be weird between us, does it?"

I give him a look from the doorway. "How could it be anything but weird?" I ask, knowing I'm right, "Look, I should go. I mean – well, I don't know what I mean, actually."

"Stay, Haley," he orders, coming over and taking me by the shoulders and making me sit on his bed. His bed. The one place in this room I really shouldn't be, if only for the memories it stirs up. "We're friends or something, right?"

"Or something," I mutter in reply, trying to avoid looking at him as he changes shirts.

"Or something? You don't think of me as your friend?" he asks, sitting down beside me, "So what am I then?"

I shake my head, trying to clear it. "God, Nathan, I don't know. Is there really any one label I can put on what you are to me?"

He looks at me, those beautiful blues eyes simultaneously soft and intense. "I guess we can define ourselves by what we used to be – that's probably the easy thing to do. Ex-boyfriend, ex-girlfriend. Doesn't require much thought, and no one ever thinks twice about it. But if that was it, if that was all we are to each other, would we be sitting here now having this conversation?"

"I don't know, Nathan. I don't think I know anything anymore."

"Hey, you know everything," he laughs, reminding me, "Who taught me everything I know? It sure wasn't my dad!"

I laugh a little, mainly because I don't know what else to do. "If you say so. But you know I learned a lot from you, too. It wasn't exactly a one-way street."

"Yeah, every fifteen year old should learn how to play strip Twister and do keg stands. Yeah, I was a great influence," he laughs.

"That wasn't what I meant," I say, even though we both know he knows that, "You taught me a lot. I bet I never thanked you for it, and that sucks, especially since I know you thanked me a lot."

"You didn't have to thank me, Haley J," he says softly, "You didn't have to then, and you still don't. Those were good times, and I wasn't looking to get anything out of them."

"I know you weren't. They were good times, weren't they?" I say, laughing, "I kind of miss them sometimes, hanging out with you and Luke, Pey and Jake. I really miss Jenny, but I guess Eric has kind of filled that void."

"Like Brooke filled Peyton's void, and Tim filled Luke's void, and Jason filled – "

"Don't. Please don't say it," I cut him off, standing up. Without another word, I walk out of the room.

"Haley, wait!" he calls behind me, "Get your scrawny ass back here."

I whirl around. "I can't Nathan. I need to get out of here." He runs over to me, grabbing my hand and dragging me reluctantly back. "I mean it, I should go home and study anyways."

"Quit hiding behind schoolwork," he bites out, "Now what the hell was that all about? Are we not allowed to say his name now? Did you realize you made the biggest mistake of your life in leaving him? Are you this upset over screwing things up with him? Or is that it – you wish you were screwing him now?"

"No!" I scream at him, "I know I didn't make a mistake! And no, I don't want him back, and no, I don't want anything from him, sex included! But I don't need you or anyone else throwing in my face, making me admit that he was just a replacement for you!"

The words are out before I even realize that I think them, feel them. I clap my hand over my mouth, and this time when I flee, he doesn't follow. As I lock myself in the bathroom, I'm not sure if I'm sad or glad about that.

I don't want to think about what I said, but here, alone in this bathroom, I have little choice. There is nothing to distract me. So, as I'm splashing a little cold water on my cheeks, I wonder. Is it true? Was Jason just a replacement for Nathan? Was I using him solely to fill a void?

"Shit," I curse, knowing that I probably was. It wasn't as trivial as that – I did have feelings for him, but if you boil it down, that's what you get.

For the first time since we started hanging out, I am truly, truly grateful for the impact Brooke has had on me, as my purse – with my makeup – is here, and I can fix myself back up before I have to face anyone. So I wash my face completely and reapply my makeup, and sneak down the back stairs when I'm done so I won't have to walk by his room.

The rest of the family is here now, thank God, and Eric runs over to me immediately. To my relief, Nathan isn't down here yet, so I have a slightly longer reprieve before facing him. "Hey Tutor Girl, que pasa?"

"Going Spanish today?" I ask as I scoop Eric up, wincing at how heavy he's getting, "What are you doing to this kid? He's getting huge!"

Karen and Keith laugh. "Blame Luke," Keith suggests, throwing his arms up to deflect the mock blows Luke rains down on him.

"Hey, that always works for me," Brooke purrs. I roll my eyes at her as she sits down next to me. "What? It does." She looks at me, and can tell something is wrong. I can tell by the look in her eyes. "Where's Nathan?"

"How do you do that?" I sigh, irritated she knows me so well.

She shrugs, but grins smugly. "I'm just that good. Now, seriously, where is he, and do I need to kick his ass?"

"Leave his ass alone," I sigh, "He didn't do anything, really. I mentioned that Eric was a replacement for Jenny, sort of, and then he pointed out all the other parallel relationships, and when he got to Jason and him, I flipped."

"Wow," she breathes, clearly surprised, "What the hell did he say about Jason?"

"After saying that Jason was his replacement, I yelled at him and ran off. Tried to anyways. He dragged me back, though. He asked why we couldn't talk about him – if it was because I loved him, made a mistake, still wanted him, and I couldn't handle it."

"Oh, honey, what'd you say?" she asks with sympathy as Eric squirms out of my arms. "Are you okay?"

"I'll be fine. And I just said – I yelled, actually, really loudly, that I didn't want Jason or anything from him, and that I didn't appreciate being forced to admit that Jason was just a replacement for Nathan."

She gapes at me. "Shut up. You – I mean – I don't know what to say."

I look up at the sun dipping low in the sky. "I'm sorry. I know you asked me that question a thousand times, and I know I always said 'no', but it didn't hit me officially until then. I guess I've had inklings that maybe – maybe that's all he was, but it wasn't until that exact moment that I could even admit it to myself."

"Damn. Wow, no, I mean, I knew you weren't lying to me. Yourself, maybe, but not me. I'm not surprised, though."

I should've known she wouldn't be. "Yeah, so after I screeched at him, I locked myself in the bathroom. Mature, huh?"

She lets out a loud crack of laughter, and everyone looks our way. She just waves at them. "Mature? No, not at all, but really funny. Did he come after you?"

"Nope, he sure didn't," I tell her, sighing, "And that's fine. I was shrieking like a banshee at him, I wouldn't come after me either." Shaking my head, I decide it is best to change the subject. I don't particularly want to be talking about him when he makes his appearance back here. "So, how was the beach?"

Something incredible happens – her entire face changes, her whole presence changes. "He asked me to be his girlfriend, and I said yes."

It's my turn now. "Shut up!" She's grinning so happily that it is entirely contagious. "Tigger, that's awesome! If you're both happy, then I'm incredibly happy for you both!"

"Thanks," she grins, blushing a little, "I knew you would be. It's just, this is weird, but so good. I mean, I hated him so long, and now...it's like the opposite of that or something!"

I laugh. "You do know what the opposite of hate is, right?"

She rolls her eyes at me. "Of course I do, thank you very much."

"Well, there's a thin line between love and hate, and I'm glad you two are on the right side of it finally."

"Wow, nice cliché," she laughs, "So, that was a nice subject changing maneuver you had there. Why don't you want to talk about Nathan?"

"Brooke," I whine, "This isn't the place. His parent's backyard? Come on. I don't even know if there is anything to talk about."

"Bullshit, there is a ton to talk about, and you dang well know it. Own up to that much at least."

Something that she says strikes a nerve. "Do you think I'm a coward?"

She turns to me, sighing. "No, not a coward, just that you would be better off it you were a little quicker to admit things to yourself. Of course, I have that problem, too," she says, with a wave of her arm, indicating Luke.

"You two are disgustingly cute together, even when you're fighting," I tell her, "And your admittance problems didn't go nearly as far as mine did."

She shrugs. "Well, I'm just special. And now, what do you say we join the rest of the party?"

"Fine with me," I concur, "Even though I know you only want to sit on Luke's lap." She starts to protest, but I cut her off. "Oh, don't even try to deny it," I laugh.

"So what if I do?" she laughs, "It's a very nice lap."

"I know," I nod, laughing at her reaction. "What? He's my best friend, like I've never sat in his lap before?"

"Well, I didn't need to know it for sure," she groans.

"I'm teasing. Well, I have sat on his lap, but never in an unfriendly way. God, so you two are going to make it a go, huh? Crazy."

She nods vigorously. "Tell me about it," she laughs as we walk towards the crowd, "But it's a good thing, don't you think, honey?"

Luke's eyes light up as she walks towards him, planting herself on his lap. "What's a good thing, sugar?"

"You and me, making a 'go' of it, as Tutor Girl said!" Everyone else at the table looks up in surprise. "Geez, don't all congratulate us at once," Brooke laughs, sounding nervous to my ears. Luke picks up on it, too, and I see his arms reflexively tighten around her in quiet reassurance.

"Well, so you're a couple now?" Karen asks, confused. She knows they've spent a lot of time together over the summer, but I think she thought that it was more for my benefit than because they were getting couple-y.

"Yeah, we are," Luke confirms, looking really happy. Karen and Keith both look thrilled, too. I think Brooke overwhelms them sometimes, but anyone who gets to know her can't help but love her.

"I've never seen him so happy," a voice says from behind me.

"I haven't either, not in a long time," I agree, not turning around. It's not like I need to see him to recognize his voice. I'd know it anywhere.

"You didn't say things had gone this far with them when we talked earlier," he mentions, moving to stand next to me. We both watch in silence for a few minutes as Brooke and Luke fill in everyone on how things progressed.

"I didn't know they had," I comment, "But it's really good to see them both so happy. Especially Brooke – it's not easy for her."

He nods. "Well, it's nice to see, I guess," he sighs.

"Sorry I freaked out on you earlier," I tell him, finally glancing up at him. He looks down at me and nods, no expression on his face.

There was a time when I could read everything he was thinking and feeling, just by looking in his eyes. Obviously, that time has come and gone, because now? I've got nothing. And I don't know what to do with nothing.

"It's okay, I should've kept my mouth shut. I was never good at that, though, was I?" he asks, trying for levity.

"Let me apologize," I say gently, "I was wrong and rude, and I had no right to be. So I'm sorry. Um, and now I'm going to go get something to eat."

I move away from him then, needing to get back some personal space. I walk over and sit at an empty chair, trying not to grimace when I realize Nathan will probably take the one next to me since Brooke will want the open one by Luke. He does, and I keep my expression straight.

Conversation focuses on Nathan and Luke and their last years at college. They are both excited – Nathan seems to be rated as a good prospect for getting drafted, and Luke has that possibility, too, although he doesn't seem to want it as much. I participate in the conversation some, and Nathan even asks me a few questions about my plans for after graduation, which are vague even to me right now.

Of course, Nathan plans on getting drafted, and becoming a hot shot young NBA star. Luke admits that he's more undecided, and that he's considered not making himself eligible for the draft, and just moving back to Tree Hill.

"My life is here," he explains, "My family, my friends, and I don't know if I'm ready to leave that all behind yet. Again."

"That'd be a lot to give up, Luke," Karen says, even though she looks happy he might be moving back here.

He shrugs. "Yeah, but I might get a lot more out of it," he tells her, smiling at Brooke. "Besides, basketball got me through college, and I'll have a degree by the end of the year. What more could I want out of it?"

"The money and the honies," Nathan jokes. I fight the urge to roll my eyes and throw a fork at him. God, where is this jealousy coming from?

"There's more to life than that, Nathan," Dan says, smiling.

"Yeah, I know, Dad," he busts out, "And I'm sure Luke will go ahead and prove that there is, while I'll be out corrupting myself and hordes of other people with my greed and desire to continue playing basketball."

With that, he jumps up, his chair crashing back behind him. Everyone stares at each other, no one making a move to go after him. "Um, I guess I'll go," I say, standing up. No one looks at me, and I guess they are all still trying to process what just happened.

When I catch up to him, he is slamming out the front door of the house, heading for the car he rented. "Nathan!" I scream, as he shuts his door. To his credit, he doesn't throw the car into gear and leave; he waits.

"Haley, please, now is not the time. I know that was rude and uncalled for, but I'm not going back there right now."

"I know, Nathan, and I wasn't going to say you should. I just want to talk." I walk around the car and get in the passenger seat.

"You know I'm not in the mood."

I nod. "Yeah, but that's okay, I've seen you worse. A lot worse," I remind him, and it does elicit a smile. We drive awhile in peace and quiet; I don't want to push him yet. He drives us down to the river court, and he parks the car and gets out.

"This is where it all started," he says, walking to stand in the middle of it, "This is where Luke got what it took to play with the Ravens."

"I know."

He looks at me. "You know that I love him, right? That I think of him as a brother and a friend now?"

"Of course, Nathan, we all know that!"

"Then why am I so jealous of him?" he whispers, falling to his knees there at the center of the court, "Why do I want what he has?"

"Nathan, you have everything that he has." He looks at me like I'm crazy. "Nathan! You do! You have a family that adores you and would do anything for you, and you have great friends who really care about you. You are an awesome basketball player, and you're busting your ass in college to get yourself a great career to fall back on!"

"When I first got to know Luke, he had Keith, who acted like a dad as well as an uncle. And he barely acted like an uncle to me because Luke needed him more. I got that, I did, but I was stuck with Dan. And you remember how he was back then, how nothing was good enough. I was so jealous that I was stuck with him while Luke got Keith! But now, now Luke has Keith as his father, and he has Dan, too. Everything Luke does is huge for Dan, this big, huge thing and it's so great, and so smart, and so wonderful, and I could end world hunger and he wouldn't notice."

I sit down in front of him, crossing my legs. "I didn't know you felt that way," I say, taking his hands.

"He's always had what I want, and I try really hard not to let this stuff bother me anymore, but here I am, bothered. And I feel like crap over it, because I know that I shouldn't be upset – he's my brother, and I love him."

I squeeze gently, rubbing my thumbs over his fingers. "He knows you love him, Nathan. I know he does, and he loves you, too. Dan loves you, too. You know that, don't you?"

He nods. "I just think that sometimes not as much, and then I wonder why Lucas has everything I ever wanted."

"Luke never had it easy," I remind him, "Things were really tough for him up until our senior year."

"I know, but he had Keith, who was better than having his real dad in the picture then, and he had Karen, who was always there for him, and he had you."

"You had me, too," I smile at him, "Anything I'd do for him, I'd do for you, too, Nathan. Maybe even more."

He leans forward and pulls me to him. "I needed to hear that right now. Thank you," he whispers into my hair.

I wrap my arms around him. "You know I mean it, right? Because I would. I know things aren't like they used to be for us, but you're still – well, you, and I'd still do anything for you, Nathan."

"Hey, likewise," he grins, pulling away. He looks more like himself, and I'm glad I helped at least a little. "Thanks – for chasing after me, I mean. No one else wanted to, huh?"

"I think they were a little stunned, but that was fine by me." He raises an eyebrow at me. "It gave me the chance to come instead, gave us this chance to talk. That's – that's good, Nathan."

He nods, leaning slightly back towards me, his eyes darkening as they stare into my own. "Yeah, it is good. I needed you, Haley J."

I smile. "I know. And I'm just really glad I was there to chase after you."

"Hey, you remember that awful family dinner you came to? It couldn't have been long after we started dating. It was the one where it came out that Dad - ?"

"Oh, God," I interrupt, "I remember that night. It was awful. I think I realized how strong you were that night, to be able to deal with all that on a regular basis."

"Just another day at the Scott's," he laughs, "It was awful, though, wasn't it?" It's a rhetorical question, so I don't answer. "I was glad you were there that night, and that even then, you were the one chasing after me, making sure I was okay."

"I have to know you're okay," I tell him, moving so I'm sitting next to him and can lean my chin on his shoulder, "Because if I don't know you are, then I'm not. It's that simple."

"God, Haley, don't say stuff like that, okay? You're making it complicated."

"I don't mean to," I sigh, pulling away from him, thinking he might need space.

"No, don't – don't go. It's just that this feels too much like old times, and we both know, this ain't old times."

"Yeah, I guess it isn't."

"I'm sorry about what I said earlier," he whispers, running his hand through my hair, "It wasn't fair to accuse you of using Jason as a substitute for me. I'm sure there was a lot more to your relationship than me."

I laugh a little, surprised he's apologizing. "You were right, though, to an extent. And I flipped out because I didn't want to admit, not even to myself. It was too hard."

"You're not just saying that because I put words in your mouth, are you?" he asks, obviously concerned.

I shake my head, willing myself not to let anymore tears fall. "No, but I kind of wish I was. Isn't that the worse reason you've ever heard? Doesn't that make me a pretty crappy person?"

"Misguided, a little," he sighs, "But not a bad person. Never a bad person. Life is just messed up sometimes, so why should we be, too?"

"Oh, with reasoning like that..." I laugh.

"Hey, I thought it sounded good," he defends, but laughs, too, "But really, we all had to cope and move on, you know? Some of us just did it better than others." He thinks about it for a second. "Okay, scratch that – I think Jake is the only one who did a good job of it."

I laugh with him, shaking my head. "Yeah, Peyton, um, had her freak out, Luke slept his way through three classes at college, and I rushed a relationship that sunk worse than the Titanic." I tilt my head to the side, looking at him. "I guess you're in the Jake camp, huh?"

He shakes his head. "Nah, freshman year I tried to force relationships to get over you, and then I got drunk and fooled around. Or else I moped over you and didn't do anything. After that, I spent the last two years spending all of my time on the court or at the library to the point where I barely have any friends."

"We're a sorry lot, huh?" I ask, trying not to laugh.

"Yeah, we are, so what's so funny about that?"

"Well, I mean, we were all sort of popular in high school, and now with the exception of Luke, we all kind of keep to ourselves and are just busting our butts to get through school. How did that happen?"

"We grew up?" he suggests, and I shrug. "I don't know then, if it isn't that."

I lie on back and look up at the stars. "You know, it is a really nice night. Look at all the stars," I tell him, pointing them out.

He lies back beside me. "Yeah, it's nice. And you know what? It wouldn't be half as nice if you weren't here."

"Thanks, Nathan," I say, smiling. I'm not thinking of what this all means, where things are going – no, I'm just enjoying the moment, and this is a nice one.

"Things aren't so bad for us, though, you know?" he asks.

"I know. I have Brooke, and even Tim is coming around. Life is a lot different now, but not all bad."

"Do you wish things had stayed the same?" he asks, looking over at me. I feel his hot gaze on the side of my face.

"I don't know, some of them yeah. But I really like Brooke and Tim, and I wouldn't change that part." I look over at him, meeting his gaze. "What happened with you and Tim? Before you and I went out, you were best friends. He just seemed to go away after that."

"I don't know. It's like at the time, we were going in different directions, and I had you, and you were my focus. Especially after we got married. You were all I could see, all I needed. There wasn't room. I guess that makes me a bad friend," he sighs.

"But a really good husband," I laugh, then sober. "I'm sorry for asking, I know it isn't my business. But he seems to have this irrational dislike for you, and then when he and Jason attacked you at that party, it was all so clear that he hates you. I just wondered why."

"That's why," he notes tersely, "Because I was a jerk and stopped being his friend. It was even worse when Luke and I got close."

I nod, understanding. "Well, you know what? It's late, and your parents are probably worried you hate them all over again," I point out, sitting up, "You should get back home."

"Where are you staying?" he asks.

"Oh, I don't think I am. I'll just drive back to Durham. I don't even want to swing by my parent's house to see if they're gone again."

"You can stay with us." He blushes. "I mean, my parent's have the guest room always made up."

"Thanks, Nathan, but I'll be okay. I have finals this week, anyways, so I should study tomorrow, all day if possible."

"Okay." He stands up, and turns around, offering me his hands. I accept, and he pulls me to my feet. We make the drive back to his parent's place in silence, each with a million things on our minds. He's at the front of mine, but I don't know exactly what I'm thinking and feeling right now, so I'm not going to push anything.

"I'm leaving tomorrow. I have a basketball meeting on Monday that I can't miss, so I probably won't see you again for awhile."

I nod, praying he doesn't see the tears in my eyes. "I'm glad you came for this, even if you couldn't stay long. It was really good to see you, Nathan."

"You too, Haley J. I've missed you."

"Me, too."

We both get out of the car, and I make my way over to mine as he goes in the house. I can see Deb and Dan through the window, and they both envelope him in a hug as he walks in. Sure, he's a twenty-two year old man now, but he'll always be their son. Dan waves to me and mouths a 'thank you', and I wave back and get in my car.

It is really hard to drive back tonight, knowing that Nathan is in Tree Hill, but will be gone tomorrow. A part of me wants to turn back and climb into his bed and ask him if things can be like they used to, but I'm rational enough to know they can't. Because time doesn't go backwards, it only goes forward, and for some reason, we all have to go with it.

Whether we like it or not.


	15. Hard To Say I'm Sorry

**Wow, thanks for all the awesome reviews, y'all! It's really great to hear what everyone is thinking. ï Still looking for a beta....don't make me beg!**

**Chapter Fifteen – _Hard To Say I'm Sorry_**__

'After all that we've been through  
I will make it up to you  
I promise to  
After all that's been said and done  
You're just a part of me I can't let go' - Chicago

December 31, 2009

"New decade in a half hour," Brooke comments idly as she flips channels, "Should we fight over who gets to kiss Tim at midnight or be civilized and flip for it?"

"Ladies, ladies, there is enough of the Tim-Man to go around, please, no fighting," he grins lecherously from his spot on the floor.

I make a face, turning to Brooke. "Seriously? I think I'd rather kiss you," I joke, and she laughs.

"Hey, that is even better, and I'm holding you to that," Tim grins lasciviously, "So don't you dare forget you said that, Haley James!"

I groan, kicking him in the shoulder. "Smith, you are such a pervert!" I laugh, "Huh, can you believe we're all – well, except Brooke, so I guess just you and me, Tim – are single again for another New Year's Eve?"

"We're pathetic, James," he grins up at us, looking anything but upset by the notion, "And you know, there is still time to go over to that little party our neighbors have."

Brooke and I both groan. I don't want to go to a party at our neighbor's place, and Brooke has to get back to Tree Hill tonight. Hence, no partying and no drinking.

"My pa – actually, my house," Brooke beams, having been given her parent's house in Tree Hill now that her parents have officially retired to the shores of Miami's South Beach, "Doesn't take care of itself!"

"No, all the servants and gardeners take care of it, Brookie," Tim retorts, still probably ticked off that we roped him into hanging out with us tonight instead of partying with hot coeds.

"Wah wah wah, you're just bummed that Haley won't hire a maid to come clean up here once a week like I did, and that you have to pick up your own junk now," she grins, knowing he hates that I make him clean up now.

"Yeah, well, I – fine, you win, Brooke," he mutters, and Brooke and I both laugh. I pass him my pint of Ben and Jerry's Brownie Batter ice cream to finish off as a consolation prize. "This might be better than having servants," he decides as some dribbles down his chin.

"Seriously, Smith, I'm buying you a bib."

"Who knew James would be such a neat freak?" he grumbles, "Not me, because if I had, I might not have let you move in here."

It's funny that Tim and I are at a point now where we can joke about us living together. At one point, I would've sworn that not only would he never consent to living with me again, but that if by some miracle it happened, he certainly would never be happy enough with the situation to joke about it.

Things are good now for us. Jason has stopped by a couple of times – the first of which was before Tim had a chance to tell him that I'd be staying and that Brooke was moving out at the end of the summer, and they had a vicious shouting match, which I stayed as far away from as possible. Tim came in my room after and apologized for not telling him sooner and sparing me that.

All it served to do was remind me how terribly I hurt Jason. Even now, six months later, I think about it almost daily, and the guilt can be fairly overwhelming. The thing is, there is no way to fix this, and therefore no way to alleviate my guilt. Everyone tells me, rightfully so, I might add, that Jason and I never would've worked out, and that in a roundabout way, I did the right thing. Funny how that doesn't make me feel any better.

But the good thing is, Tim and I are back to being just as close as we were before I left Jason at the altar. Which is good, I really missed his friendship over the summer, and even that first month or so when we lived here together and things were still a little strange. But we both reached out, both made the effort to make things better, and lo and behold, they are.

The surprising thing was tonight; Tim stayed with us instead of going to a party. Brooke and I told him we wouldn't mind if he wanted to, but he decided he'd rather hang out with us instead of getting drunk and possibly hook up with some girl he meets there. We haven't just hung out – the three of us – like this for awhile now, so this is really great.

Brooke wanted to stay in tonight because she's expecting a call from Lucas around midnight our time, and probably another around midnight his time. It's funny, but now half of the times he calls here are because he knows Brooke will be here, not because he wants to talk to me.

"I'm gonna go check my email," I tell them, and stand up, making my way to my room where my computer is. I probably shouldn't – I doubt there will be one from him tonight, but I can't help; I need to check.

Nathan and I haven't talked since I left his house after the barbeque Labor Day weekend. However, we have been emailing back and forth, so the lines of communication are open. I don't know if it means anything, but there you have it. At least we're talking. Got to start somewhere.

The other thing is that we're being completely honest. I know he is dating this girl, Stacy, still, and I have told him bout the blind dates Brooke has coerced me into going on. Maybe it's easier to do this through email since there are no vocal inflections to analyze or whatever. Of course, I'll read each of them fifteen times now, and wonder what each little word means, so I guess the trade off isn't all that great. I'm still glad we're corresponding, though.

"The ball is about to drop in about ten minutes," Brooke points out, breaking into my reverie, "Another year gone."

"Yeah, but we're closer to graduating," I point out with a smile.

"Not me," she whines, "I still have another year of vet school to finish." I shake my head as she says this; sometimes it is still so odd to think of Brooke as a veterinarian.

"Yeah, but at least you'll have a good degree," Tim sighs, "I'm gonna be stuck with this stupid general studies degree."

"It has a focus in business," I point out, trying to be helpful. I know Tim is bummed that he didn't choose a major sooner, but he was adamant about graduating in four years, so here we are.

"Well, still, it sucks. I wish I'd known sooner what I wanted to do."

"You're going to get a job," Brooke sighs, exasperated, "So, what's the big deal?"

"The big deal is that I could've got a better job, you know, more money, better perks, whatever."

"Tim, you don't have a job yet," I tell him, "So, how do you know what kind you'll end up getting? It could be the best thing ever!"

"It could be the best thing ever!" he repeats, mocking me in a falsetto, "Or I could end up as a manager of Dairy Queen!"

Brooke and I look at each other and crack up. I know I can't help it, and she probably can't either. Tim glares at us, still pouting. "You're being retarded about this, Tim, "Brooke tells him, "A total drama queen!"

"I can't help it," he whines, "I just want to know I'm going to have a good job. You both are like guaranteed you will be totally successful, but I could end up homeless or something."

"Jesus, Tim, stop being such a worrywart," I tell him, "You're going to have a college degree. From a great university! Why are you freaking out?"

He shrugs. "I don't know, I guess I'm just afraid you guys will leave me or something. You know, go off to some big city for the fabulous jobs your going to get."

I roll my eyes and Brooke bats him over the head with a pillow. "You are completely irrational. Why are you worrying about this now? We haven't even graduated yet – hell, Brooke doesn't graduate for another year," I point out.

"So what? You guys are smart – well, Haley's smart, and Brooke can BS her way into anything she wants, so I'm sure jobs are included in that – "

"That's called being smart, Smith," Brooke interrupts tersely, irritated with him calling her less than smart.

"Fine, forget I brought it up," he sighs, "Now we can talk about puppies and rainbows or whatever happy thoughts you guys want to focus on."

"Puppies?" I ask, and Brooke echoes, "Rainbows?"

"I don't know," he bites out, throwing his hands up in exasperation.

"Okay, look, Timmy boy," Brooke begins, sliding off the couch to sit next to him on the floor, "I'm not leaving. I mean, I know I've always said I wanted to live in New York, but the more I stay here, the more I realize it's because I want to, not because I need to."

"Me too," I pipe up, "I used to think I was 'stuck' here, but I'm not. I mean, I could leave, realistically. But I don't want to."

Brooke looks at me in surprise. "Really? You want to stay in Tree Hill or this area, I guess?"

I shrug. "Well, yeah, at least for now. I mean, I'm happy here, and I have you guys, and Karen and Keith, and God, even Deb and Dan. I don't want to leave everyone, you know?"

"You better not," Brooke warns, "Especially since it looks like Luke might be moving back here."

Tim looks surprised. "But he's having such a good season, I was reading his draft stock is rising. Why'd he want to come home?"

"Duh, me," Brooke grins.

I shake my head, but smile. "Besides Brooke, I think he just has kind of decided that basketball wasn't the be all to end all in his life. And he misses Brooke," I finish when she pokes me in the leg.

"Wow, shocking, coming from a Scott," Tim muses, "But kinda deep."

"You would think so," Brooke huffs, "But anyways, I think it'll be good for us if he comes back here, you know? I mean, we can see where things really stand, and if we can stand being together longer than a summer."

I laugh, "I'm sure you guys can. I mean, if you can get to the point where you're even dating, and long-distance to boot, I think you can make it longer than a summer of face time."

"Yeah, I know," she grins, "I just wanted to hear someone else say it."

"You are so in love with him it makes me ill," Tim groans. The phone rings, and he grabs it before Brooke can. "Brooke Davis's house of torture and pain, name your torture."

"Timothy!" Brooke screeches. I shake my head at the two of them.

"Uh, hold on, I'll get her," Tim says to the person on the phone. Both Brooke and I are figuring its Luke, and are thusly surprised when Tim hands the phone to me.

"Hello?" I ask, standing up.

"If that's Luke, I want to talk to him!" Brooke calls as I walk out the room.

"Haley? Uh, hey, it's Nate."

Wow. "Nathan, hi. Um, how are you?"

"Surprised I'm calling?" I walk into my room and close the door after waving Brooke off and shrugging at Tim's inquiring look.

"Well, maybe a little, I mean, we've been sticking to email for awhile now, and it is one of the biggest party nights of the year," I remind him, teasing.

"Yeah, speaking of which, what are you and the two stooges doing home tonight? I figured you'd be out getting drunk or something."

I laugh, "Hey Pot, meet the Kettle. Hear you're black."

He laughs, too. "I didn't mean it like that. But I know Brooke, and I know Tim, and I figured they'd have wanted to go out, if not you, too."

"Yeah, well, Brooke is waiting for a call from Luke, and Tim is having a midlife career crisis or something. And I had no real reason to go out, I guess, especially without them."

"That's kind of how I felt," he sighs, "And then I got to thinking about you, so I figured I'd call and leave a message."

"Hmm, guess you were surprised when Tim answered then, huh?"

"Yeah, a little. To tell the truth, I'd forgotten you'd say he was your roommate, so it was like a double surprise." This small talk is making me nervous. "Uh, if I'm keeping you from your friends, just say the word."

"No!" I exclaim, "I mean, no, it's fine. Brooke is just waiting for Luke to call, and Tim is eating the last of my ice cream. I'm not missing anything."

"The ball is dropping," he says, and I glance up at the clock, "You up for ringing in the New Year with me?"

I allow myself a small smile. "I'd like that," I say softly, "Should we countdown together?"

"I think so," he says, "Ready? Five, four, three, two, one..."

I count with him, and then we fall into a mutual silence, and I can't help thinking of how different things could be now if I'd made a few different choices. "I'm glad you called," I say finally, needing to break the silence.

"Me too. I've been thinking about you the last couple of days, missing you." Wow, this is pretty huge. "I mean, I've always kind of missed you, but it doesn't seem weird or inappropriate to tell you now."

I know how hard it was for him to say that; I recognize that he doesn't trust me, not after what I did to him. All that pushing away doesn't really help to build up trust. So this is really nice, even if it is a huge surprise.

"I missed you, too, Nathan," I admit, finally. "Wow, it's kind of strange to say that out loud, you know?"

"Yeah, I know, but at the same time, it isn't," he chuckles, "Hey, uh, have you talked to my folks lately?"

"Not really. I saw them on Christmas Eve, but I have been so busy with school and finals, that I have hardly even had a chance to visit Tree Hill. Everything okay?"

He sighs. "Yeah, um, I just haven't talked to them much since I left that day. It's weird, because now I don't know what to say to them."

"Oh, Nathan, just tell them what you told me!" I exclaim, worried for him, "They'll understand, I know they will. Have you talked to Luke at all?"

"Not much," he admits, and I'm surprised Luke hasn't mentioned it, but I guess it really isn't any of my business.

"You should talk to them, Nate. They love you, they're your family."

"I know that, Haley J, but I don't know how to approach this. It's not a little thing, and I know I shouldn't even be feeling this way. And how do you say 'I'm a jealous idiot, and I can't deal with it'?"

"Nathan, I know you love Luke, and that you truly think of him as your brother now. Instead of a general rivalry, maybe this is just sibling rivalry now."

"Maybe," he sighs, "But I still feel like crap about it. He's been a good brother to me, and gave me second chances when I didn't deserve them. So what right do I have to feel this resentful now?"

"Nathan, that's the thing about feelings, you always have a right to them. You know that. I bet they teach you that in your psych classes."

"Yeah, I do. It just sucks, though. Maybe I'll give him a call soon, and then maybe I'll even get around to calling Dan."

"I'm sure they both want to hear from you."

"Haley, thanks for letting me dump all this on you. I don't know who else I could've talked to about it, so I guess I'm really lucky I have you."

I laugh a little. "That's what Haley's are for," I joke, not able to call myself his friend when there is so much more to us, between us.

"Listen, I'm glad we got a few minutes to talk, but I gotta go. Stacy is back, and we're going to watch a movie together.

Stacy. Right. Cold bucket of ice water, all over my head. "Oh, of course. Thanks for calling, it was nice to hear from you."

"Yeah, let's talk again soon, okay?"

"Sure, anytime." God, did I just say that? So pathetic.

"Later Haley J."

When he hangs up, I berate myself for thinking that there was something here, berate myself for wanting there to be something here. Because I know it isn't gonna happen. He's got Stacy, and I've got emotional baggage left over from my own huge screw-ups to deal with before I can even pretend I'm ready for a relationship.

"I can't believe Nathan called you," Brooke comments, barging in, "I mean, after he ran off like a dickhead at that barbeque, I would've figured he'd stop making his presence known in these parts." I never told anyone about my conversation with him afterwards because I didn't think it was any of their business. If Nathan wants someone to know something, he knows where to find them.

"What happened at the barbeque?" Tim asks, confused.

"Oh, Dan and Luke were talking about how basketball wasn't the most important thing in the world, and how Luke might not continue on with and Dan said he was proud. Nathan went all into freak mode – it reminded me of when he was using steroids," Brooke exaggerates.

Tim's eyebrows shoot up. "Yikes, that bad?"

"No, it wasn't even that bad, and this is someone who was there for both," I remind them, "He was just stressed, it wasn't a big deal."

"Not a big deal?" Brooke scoffs, "Not a big deal is changing the subject if you don't like the conversation; running off like a madman on speed is in fact a big deal."

I roll my eyes, unwilling to entertain these notions of Brooke's. "He's fine, Tigger; he's just got stuff going on."

"Well, he shouldn't take it out on Lucas," she declares, "He's got enough on his plate right now, and he sure as hell doesn't need his brother/best friend piling more crap on him."

"You're right, he shouldn't. But you know what?" I ask her with a smile, "This is none of your business. None of mine, either, so let's drop it and let them work it out like I know they can."

She throws her hands up in the air. "Fine, I'll drop it. So, in the spirit of dropping it, I'm going to go call Luke and see why he hasn't called me yet." She flounces off as Tim and I watch.

"Is she right?" Tim asks, "Is Nathan on drugs again?"

"What? No, Tim, he isn't. Look, I didn't want to tell Brooke because it might get back to Luke, but I think it's hard for Nathan to see Dan treat Luke's basketball career the way he wanted him to treat his when he was younger, you know?"

He shrugs. "I wouldn't know much about it," he sighs, "It's not like Nathan and I, even when we were friends, were really the feelings type, you know?"

I laugh, picturing the two of them talking about their problems and realizing I can't. "Sorry, it's just the thought of you two talking about stuff like that." He rolls his eyes at me. "I think that it's mostly that Dan was a jerk to Nathan – and Luke – for so long, and now that he's not a jerk, he's focusing his attention on making it up to Luke. I think Nathan wouldn't mind having some things made up to him."

He looks at me, contemplating. "You love him, don't you?"

Where did that come from? "He's been an important part of my life, Tim, a part of me will always love him." Ah, the good, standard post traumatic break-up answer.

"Whatever," he snorts, grabbing a beer out of the fridge. I shake my head 'no' when he offers me one. "I'm not condemning you for it, I'm just saying it's there."

God, we so wouldn't have been able to have this conversation a few months ago. I'm glad that we're comfortable to have it now, all things considered.

"Look, Tim, we're just friends. He has a girlfriend who he probably at the least really likes, if not loves. And I'm not in a place where I really need a relationship."

He grins, "I wasn't talking about relationships, and if things were so great with his girlfriend, would he really rely on you for this stuff with his dad and brother?"

I shrug. "Because I know the history, and I know how affected he was by it all? Maybe it's just easier to talk to me than someone who doesn't know or understand."

He rolls his eyes again. "Whatever. Look, I know I don't know a lot about your relationship with him, but I know you enough to know you still love him. And I might not like him, and I might not think he's good enough for you, and I might not even like that he's probably the reason you ditched my cousin at the altar, but if he's gonna make you happy, then you should go for it."

"Why don't you like him?" I ask, ignoring the rest and cutting to the chase, "What happened to make you hate him so much?"

He shrugs, looking away. "You'll think it's dumb, but it's because he just ditched me. Didn't want to be my friend anymore. And I didn't change, so it was like all of a sudden I wasn't good enough for him. It just sucked."

"Stuff like that always sucks, Tim," I say gently, putting an arm around his shoulders. I hate seeing him like this.

"Yeah, but it didn't suck for him. He got to move on; he had you and Luke now, too, and I didn't really have anyone left."

"Like Brooke when Peyton ditched her," I sigh, feeling kind of bad. It wasn't my fault, and it wasn't even Nathan's, really, because people do move on sometimes, but it still hurt him, and I feel bad for that.

"Yeah, I guess something like that. But it doesn't matter, because I've got you and Brooke now, and Jason and I are better friends, and I'm just happier, I guess."

"I'm glad, I like my Tim to be happy," I tell him with a smile.

"Well, hook me up with one of your interior design friends, and then I might be really happy."

"Don't you mean that Little Tim would be really happy?" I ask, laughing. Brooke comes wandering back out, a dreamy look on her face.

"Luke wants to talk to you," she smiles, sighing.

"Uh, thanks," I tell her, wondering if I ever walked around in that daze when I was most in love with Nathan.

"Lukie?" I ask into the phone.

"Hey, Hales, I miss you," he says automatically.

"Glad to know. I was thinking you'd forgotten all about me now that you only call for Brooke," I tell him, pretending to pout.

"Aw, Hales, I'm sorry I haven't called you as much lately; you know I love you. I've just been busy, and then trying to solidify things with Brooke."

"Luke, Luke, I was just busting your chops," I assure him, "I know how it is when you're at that certain stage."

"It's weird, isn't it?" he asks.

"You and Brooke?" Brooke looks over at me at the mention of her name. "Yeah, it's a little weird," I tell him, blowing her a kiss when she glares at me. "Not in a bad way, though."

"You really don't mind, right, Hales? I mean, there are probably rules about dating your friend's friends, right?"

I laugh, "I'm fine with it. Just remember what I said. I'll hurt you if you hurt her."

"Pain, lots of it, got it."

"Hey, have you talked to Nathan lately?" I ask, figuring that even though I won't tell Luke what's going on with Nate, I can at least try and help them get things right a little.

"Uh, not really; I mean, he's been so distant lately. I think he's mad at me or something. I don't know what I did."

I sigh, knowing I can't go into what I know. It just sucks because I know Luke is genuinely bothered by this, and I can't help. "Look, Luke, I know it's hard when Nathan gets all stubborn, but give him a call, try and talk to him, okay?"

"You know what's going on, don't you?" he accuses, and I can't possibly deny it – he knows me too well.

"Luke, this is Nathan's business. Please just talk to him, okay?"

He sighs, "Yeah, fine, I'll try."

"Thank you, Lucas," I smile, glad I got my way, "I'll pass you back to Brooke now. Happy New Year!"

"Happy New Year to you, too, Hales. Love you!"

Love you, too, bye!" I pass him back to Brooke. "No phone sex here," I warn her, laughing as she grins.

"Too late, already done!"

"You better be shitting me, Brooke," Tim warns, "You were in my room!"

She laughs, waving him off as she walks down the hall again. I turn to shrug at Tim. "Well, there's a lovely thought for you to sleep on tonight," I tease.

"Huh, yeah," he sighs, "So, do you feel a little bit better now? I mean, now that you got Luke to promise that he'll call Nathan."

I smile. "Yeah, I really do. I know Luke will call him, and they'll straighten stuff out." I'm still worried about Nathan, though. I have this feeling something else is going on, something he isn't ready to talk about yet, and that makes me nervous.

"You sure worry about them a lot," he comments lightly.

"They're family to me. Luke, Karen, and Keith have been forever, but now Nathan and even Deb and Dan are, too," I explain, shrugging.

He nods, and we fall into silence. It isn't an uncomfortable silence, and I don't make a move to fill it. We're each lost in our own thoughts – his of, well, I don't know what, and mine of Nathan.

February 12, 2010

"I hate airports," I grumble as we maneuver through the crowd that is also headed for the baggage claim.

"Join the club," Brooke whines back, "And it's hotter than Hell in here. You'd think Michigan would have air conditioning or something. This is bullshit."

"It's February," I remind her, "Maybe the damn heater is stuck on high or something. This is ridiculous."

Brooke and I have flown to Michigan to spend the weekend with Luke. Well, I'll spend the weekend alone in a hotel room for the most part probably, and Brooke and Luke will spend the weekend together. I think the only reason I'm here is so that Brooke doesn't have to sit alone at the basketball game on Saturday night.

"Hey, two of my favorite ladies in the whole world," Luke says from behind us. Brooke squeals and spins around, throwing herself into his arms.

"Boyfriend!" she crows, clearly thrilled to see him. I roll my eyes, but smile, turning away from the spectacle.

"Hey, you must be Haley," a very, very tall guy says to me. Seriously, I have never felt so short in my entire life. Even though he's clearly a friend of Luke's, I must look at up him in shock because he laughs. "Sorry, Luke is obviously too busy to introduce us. I'm Imeka, one of his teammates. Everyone calls me Mek, though."

I finally smile, glancing at Luke and Brooke who are still making out a few yards away. "I am Haley, and it is nice to meet you."

"Likewise. So, how do you know Shrimpy over there?" I laugh at his nickname for Luke; compared to Imeka, Luke really is short.

"Best friends since forever ago," I smile, "He's practically my brother."

"Hence the lack of typical womanly jealousy?" he jokes. I roll my eyes at him, and he says, defensively, "Hey, it's true. Even women who you are 'just friends' with get all pissy about girlfriends. But you aren't, so the sister thing makes sense."

"Hales, I see you met Mek," Luke grins, walking over with his arm around Brooke. When they get in front of me, he drops his arm from around her and pulls me into a hug. "I missed you, kid."

"I missed you, too. You talked to Nathan yet?"

"That your brother?" Mek asks, "Nathan at UConn?"

Luke nods. "Yeah, he's my brother, even when he's a jackass." Brooke elbows him. "Oh, right. Mek, this is Brooke, my lovely, lovely girlfriend. Brooke, this is Mek, one of the coolest guys on the team."

"Wow, I think you've sufficiently kissed everyone's ass but mine," I tell him, rolling my eyes. Brooke puts a protective arm around my shoulder.

"You better be nice to her, Scott, or I will kick your ass. And Mek, it is my pleasure," she grins, offering him her hand. "Any of friend of Luke's, yadda yadda."

He grins back at her. "Yeah, likewise. I think."

Brooke walks ahead with Mek, discussing Luke's dumbass moments. I hang back, grabbing Luke's arm and making him stay back with me.

"So, what happened when you and Nathan talked?" I ask, still worried about Nathan over this. We've talked once or twice since, but he hasn't wanted to go into this stuff again, and that concerns me. He gets really defensive about it, in fact.

"I asked him how he's doing and if he wanted to talk about the barbeque. He got all hostile. Look, Hales, I know you want to make sure Nathan is okay, and you think I can help with that, but I don't even know what his problem is."

I sigh, frustrated with this situation, upset that I can't help him. "I don't know how to help him," I tell Luke, "I can tell that this – this situation is stressing him out, not to mention a total burden to him."

"Hales, I'd help him, but he doesn't want it. It's just easier if I wait it out, okay? This way he and I can still be friends; if I push it, I don't know."

"Okay," I give up, knowing there is only so much Luke can do. Hell, there is only so much I can do, too.

"He'll be okay," he asserts, "Whatever he's going through now couldn't be worse than some of the other stuff he's gone through."

"Yeah," I nod, trying to convince myself, "I guess so."

"Isn't this fun?" Brooke chirps from her seat beside me, "Look at him; he looks so gorgeous out there. Graceful like a cheetah."

"You've spent too much time with your little animal books," I tease, "But at least you gave him a kind of cool animal."

"If I was talking to him, I'd say he was graceful like a ferret or something." We both laugh. "Maybe a weasel."

"He'd hurt you," I laugh.

"Ah, but in pain there is pleasure, grasshopper," she laughs, and I shake my head.

"Too much info, Tigger," I laugh, "Please spare me further details on your painful pleasure sex life, alright?"

"You're no fun," she pouts. Luke scores, and the crowd goes wild so Brooke forgets what she was going to say next as she stands up and cheers for him. "Doesn't he look hot, Tutor Girl?"

"Yeah, he's the epitome of masculinity," I deadpan, but crack up when she looks at me in surprise.

"Hey, I can tell you from personal experience – "

"Brooke, do not finish that thought," I warn, glaring at her. We both jump when my phone rings. "Shit, I've got to get this, I'm going out where it's quieter." She nods her understanding and I run up and out of the loud arena.

"Hello?" I ask, suddenly grateful for my morning runs with Tim since I'm not out of breath after that long flight of stairs.

"Haley? Where are you, it sounds loud?" he asks.

"At Luke's basketball game," I tell him, smiling. I'm not sure if it's because I'm at Luke's game, or if it is because I'm just talking to him. Maybe it's because I'm talking to him from Luke's game, I don't know anymore.

"Is it on TV?" he asks, sounding confused.

I laugh. "No, I'm in Ann Arbor. I came out with Brooke so that they could get kinky for Valentine's Day. I'm just here to hang with her while Luke is busy."

He laughs, too. "Must be fun for you."

"Oh, right, it's great. I'm sure I'll have a lot of fun sitting in my hotel room tonight while Brooke and Luke are out doing whatever it is they do. I still won't let Brooke give me details."

"Probably a good idea. You know, you should've come and visit me instead, I wouldn't have ditched you for kinky sex," he teases, "But I also wouldn't have ruled out kinky sex with you!" Even though he sounds light and, well, I guess, carefree, I can tell that something is bothering him.

"How's everything going?" I ask him, deciding it's better – or easier – to ignore his joking.

"It's alright," he sighs, "It really is. And before you ask, no, I haven't talked to Dad or Luke about things. You can scold me now."

"Nathan, I'm not going to scold you," I tell him, smiling to myself, "It's your choice. Do I think you should? Yeah, of course, but I'm not going to tell you that you have to."

"Thanks, Haley. How come you're the only one I can talk to about this?"

"I don't know, Nate. Anyways, we don't have to talk about it unless you want to. How are things otherwise?"

"Shitty. I'll be glad when school is done and I can concentrate on basketball." Wow, this is a change from Mr. 4.0 last year. "I'm just sick of having to study and apply myself and shit." And he says it with such fervor that I know he means it.

"Oh, okay." I don't know what else to say.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't dump all this shit on you, and I know that, "he sighs," It's just that all of a sudden I feel lost. Like I don't know what I want to do, and I don't know if anything I can do is even good enough."

Oh, Nathan. He sounds so broken, and I don't think there is anything I can do to fix him. "Hey, you're going to be great at anything you do, Nate, I know this. In my heart, I know this. No doubts, none. And you can call me anytime you need to, you know that, right?"

I can hear him take a deep, shuddery sounding breath. "I'm glad you think so, because I just don't know anymore. What do I do?"

He sounds lost and forlorn, but I can't fix that for him. Whatever is going on with him, it's an internal struggle that, no matter how much I wish otherwise, he has to fix for himself.

"I can't tell you what to do, Nathan, I'm sorry. If I could fix whatever this is for you, I would, but I can't."

"That's not what I wanted to hear," he chuckles.

I laugh, too. "I know, but it's all I've got for you." Swallowing my pride and jealousy, I suggest, "What about Stacy? Maybe she can help you."

"Haley, she's dumb as a rock. She can't help herself even."

"Nathan!" I exclaim, choking back a laugh, "That is a terrible thing to say about your girlfriend!"

He laughs, too. "Good thing she isn't my girlfriend anymore. She's moved onto one of the guys on the team who are pretty much guaranteed to play in the NBA. Couldn't take her chances on a white guy who is on the shorter side."

"Oh, Nate, I'm sorry," I tell him, meaning it. It would suck to get dumped for someone else, so I sympathize with him, although I don't take this news as being a bad thing.

He laughs again. "Hey, it's fine. I mean, it sure isn't like she was the love of my life or anything."

"Nathan, that doesn't exactly make it unaffecting, though." He remains silent. "Nathan," I sigh, trying again, "You can admit it sucks and you're angry."

"What if I'm not? Haley, I don't care. It's just one of those things that were there, and so you took it, but then when it's gone you realize you didn't really want it anyways."

"Okay," I give up, recognizing an argument I can't possibly win. Besides, I think I'd be crazy if I tried to convince him otherwise.

"I mean it. I'm okay. Besides, if she's really such a gold digger or whatever, don't you think I'm better off without her?" he asks practically.

"Well, when you put it that way, of course you are," I agree. In more ways than one. "Did you kick your teammates ass? The one she's mooching off of now, I mean?"

He laughs. "I thought you always told me to be a lover and not a fighter? What happened to that?"

"Hey, he stole your girlfriend," I protest, "I mean, if that isn't ass kicking grounds, then I don't know what is!"

"I think he'll get what's coming to him in other ways," he decides, "But it is nice to know I have your seal of ass kicking approval."

"Glad I can be of service," I laugh.

"Seriously, Haley, she wasn't important to me. I mean it was like she was y – well, she wasn't important."

Was he going to say like me? I want to ask so bad if that's what he was thinking, but I can't – I might not want to know the answer.

"Hey, Nathan? I think the game is over, Brooke is going to be looking for me soon."

"You have to go?"

"Yeah, I probably should. Brooke gets all kinds of irritated when she has to wait for something or someone. She'd probably take my phone and hang up on you."

He laughs. "If you want to get rid of me, say so, you don't have to have Brooke do it for you."

"I never want to get rid of you," I tell him, smiling, "But I should go, unfortunately. Call me later, if you need."

"Thanks, Haley J, I might take you up on that," he says softly, melting my heart.

"Goodbye," I tell him, not really wanting to let go, hang up, whatever.

"Later."

I feel like I need to sit, but there is nowhere really conducive to that, especially now that people are filing out on their way home. Brooke and I have explicit instructions to hang around by one of the entrances until Luke can get away from the team and meet us.

Brooke comes up behind me, slinging an arm over my shoulder. "What up, chica?" she asks in a sing-song voice.

"Not much," I tell her, smiling to myself knowing that answer will never be good enough for her.

"Bzzz, wrong answer," she laughs, "Was that Nathan? No, no, don't answer, I already know it was. What'd he say?"

"Stacy broke up with him," I tell her, my voice hushed and I sound kind of in awe, which makes me cringe. I don't want to be in awe of Nathan.

"You gonna make your move?" she questions in that way that only Brooke can. I don't answer right away, and she pokes me in the side.

"I can't," I tell her, sighing, "It's too soon for me to move on; it wasn't that long ago that I was leaving Jason at the altar, remember?"

She rolls her eyes, throwing her hands up in the air. "Okay, Tutor Girl? You know I love you, but sometimes you are the dumbest person on the planet." I open my mouth to protest, but she puts up a hand to silence me. "No, let me say this. You need to get over yourself. I know you aren't missing Jason – so you need to get past this bullshit where you think you can martyr yourself like this! You are purposely holding yourself back from going after what you really want out of a sense of guilt."

"Come on, Tigger," I sigh, "I can't rush into a new relationship."

"Rushing! Where's the rush? It has been practically a year, and you're still holding onto this thing like it was yesterday! You need to let it go!"

"You think it is just that easy, Tigger? Because it isn't. It isn't easy to just forget what I did to him, what I did to everyone when I ran out on him. And it isn't easy to think of what I did before that, encouraging Jason when I knew I was still in love with Na – " I look up at her, and we blink at each other in surprise. "Shit," I breathe.

"Wow," she exhales, looking over at me. I nod at her, agreeing with the sentiment. "Did you just admit that you were – are – uh, were? Still in love with Nathan?"

I nod again. "I think I might've. Oh, damn, this isn't good," I sigh, leaning against the brick wall for support. "I'm not supposed to love my ex after all this time. Shit."

Her eyes are wide as she watches me, trying to formulate a response to my admission. "Wow. I mean, I know I said that, but wow. Of course, I knew you did, especially as of late, but still."

"Are you more surprised that I love him or more surprised that I figured it out and admitted it?"

She lets out a little peal of laughter. "Both, I think. Well, probably more that you admitted it; I was beginning to think you never would."

I nod. "Well, hell, now I don't know what to do."

"Tell him?" I frown in distaste at her. "Um, I don't think so!"

"Why not? Jesus, Tutor Girl, if you love him, he should know. I think you owe it both of you to tell him the truth about that."

"I can't," I whine, "I just can't. Going down that road again would be too hard, especially since I don't know where Nathan's head is now. I can't risk it."

She looks at me like I'm the biggest moron in the world. "If you never take a risk, you'll never, ever get anything that actually matters to you. Now, look, you know I don't care for Nathan a whole lot. But damn, if you love him, go for it!"

I nod, not wanting to say anything right now. No matter what I decide in the end, this isn't something I can jump into, and I can't do it just because Brooke thinks I should. And in all honesty, I'm scared. He hasn't given me any indication he feels anything beyond friendship for me.

"We'll see. I'm not ready to do that yet," I tell her, and she nods, finally not pushing it. "When I'm ready, though, I will," I promise.

"Good girl," she smiles.

We find the entrance that Luke told us to wait for him by, and after waiting for about a half hour, he shows up.

"Took ya long enough," I mutter as Brooke throws herself at him and wraps both her arms and her legs around him as if I'm not even standing here. "Look, I can find my way back to the hotel, so I'll let you two go and get your evening started."

I start to walk away, stopping only when Luke calls my name. "Wait a sec, Hales." He turns to Brooke. "Five minutes?" She nods, and he kisses her cheek and jogs over towards me. "What's going on?"

I shake my head. "Luke, nothing is going on. I just feel like the third wheel here because, well, I am. And no offense to either you or Brooke, because I love and adore you both, but I don't want to be your third wheel."

"But you'd rather go back to your hotel room and mope and pine over Nathan, right? That's such a better option?"

"I didn't say that, Luke," I tell him, sounding tired.

"Yeah, but you will, and you are. Pining, that is. It is so obvious, Hales. I just don't know if it's a good idea, though."

"I'm not pining over Nathan," I say defensively, not wanting to talk to him about this if he's so against it, "You're crazy if you think so, as a matter of fact."

"You're full of shit, Hales," Luke laughs, "It's pretty obvious that you're still hung up on him. Just be careful, okay? I mean, you've been through a lot this last year, and I don't want you getting hurt."

"I'm not going to get hurt, Luke, I'm fine. Besides, it's not like anything is even happening, okay?"

"Yeah, maybe not, but you wish it would, don't you? You can tell me, Hales," he sighs, running a hand through his overly moussed hair.

"He and Stacy broke up," I offer, as if that makes even the slightest difference in how things will progress, or how I feel or how Nathan feels.

"Does that matter? You wanted him back before that anyways, right? So what difference does it make that your roadblock is out of your way."

"Luke, I don't know what I want right now," I say firmly, meaning it, "I'm not trying to pursue anything with Nathan, either. Now, does that mean I'm not open to the possibility? No, it doesn't, but I'm not expecting it or seeking it. Besides, he'll probably have a new girlfriend by the end of the month."

He shakes his head at me, seeing right through everything I'm saying. "Whatever, Hales. Look, I've got to go. Brooke and I do have plans. Thanks for being a good sport about all this."

"I'm glad you two are happy," I tell him enigmatically.

"I know, and I love you for it. Hey, I'm sorry I seem so harsh about this whole thing with Nathan, but I just don't think it's a good idea for you to go after him right now."

I nod, not knowing what to say. "I – yeah, I know. I wouldn't do that, Luke."

He nods back at me, offering me a small smile before turning back to Brooke who is staring at us from her position twenty yards away with unabashed curiosity. She waves at me as he takes her arm and pulls her off.

I walk slowly back to the hotel, not really wanting to be alone right now. Of course, the options for remedying that aren't too appealing either. What I really want, though, is to pick up the phone and try Nathan's number and see if he is still around. But I don't, for whatever reason.

March, 2010

The rest of the trip proves tame, and Brooke and I are back in Durham ensconced in school and caught up in the Duke basketball season again before we know it. UConn is coming to town this week, and although I haven't said as much, I am really excited.

I haven't talked to him since Valentine's Day, though. I don't know why exactly. I tried calling him once, and he returned my call when I was gone, and once Tim gave me the message, I tried calling him back. We never managed to connect, though, so for all I know, he doesn't want me at the game.

I don't necessarily think that is the case, but you never know. Anyways, I'll be there, and this time I'll be sitting with Brooke and Tim in the student section. There will be no pressure on him that way to see me after the game. Deb and Dan did request I go with them, but I declined, being honest for once and telling them that I didn't know where I stood with Nathan, and that I didn't think forcing his hand was the best way to go about it.

They didn't understand my reasoning; I could tell this by the looks on their faces as I explained. But they were kind, and didn't push me for more of an explanation. I guess that a lot of people figured that once I ran out on Jason, I would be immediately back with Nathan. Funny how that is one of the furthest things from the truth.

So here I am, standing in line to get into the student section at the Duke v. UConn game here. Brooke and Tim are with me, chattering excitedly. Tim has his arm slung around my shoulder, and Brooke is bemoaning the new outfits that the Duke cheerleaders are wearing tonight.

"They make their hips look fat," she says in disgust, "Seriously, did they even bother to try them on before purchasing?"

Tim leans closer, pulling me with him, presumably for a closer look. "Nope, they look pretty damn good to me," he grins, wiggling his eyebrows at Brooke, causing her to fume.

"You're supposed to agree with me," she says darkly, "At least I have Tutor Girl on my side. Right?"

I try to suppress my grin. "Well, whatever you say, Tigger, even though I think they look cute."

"Traitor," she chokes out, looking suitably shocked. Tim and I both laugh at her expression. "What?"

"Nothing, nevermind," Tim laughs, and I agree. "Drop it, Tigger."

"Fine," she sighs, dramatically, "So, are we on Nathan watch?"

So much for pragmatism. Even Tim looks at me curiously. "Nathan watch? Why would you think I'd be on Nathan watch?"

"Because you're you, and he's your Nathan. And because you've been distracted lately, and you have that same look you always had on your face back during freshman year when you'd first broken up."

"Brooke," I say warningly, not wanting to get into this tonight, not here, at least, "Let's not do this right now, okay?"

"I'm just saying," she shrugs.

"Well, don't," I retort crossly. I shrug Tim's arm off my shoulder, and turn around to make my way down the steps to our seats. I carelessly bump into someone, groaning inwardly when I realize that it is Jason.

"Here to see your boyfriend?" he asks, his eyes narrowing at me. If I'd ever had any doubts as to what Jason thought caused me to run out, they'd be erased now.

"I don't have a boyfriend, Jason," I say, feeling tired all of a sudden. I would rather be anywhere than here having this conversation with him again.

"You know, I was going to come see you," he says, looking away from me towards the court, "I was beginning to think that I was being such a big asshole about everything, and that you didn't really deserve that. But it's kind of hard to remember why I should apologize when you're here lusting after the guy who broke us up."

"It isn't like that," I say, even though I know it will fall on deaf ears. I feel Brooke and Tim come up behind me.

"Jason, I think your friends are waiting for you," Tim says diplomatically, pointing to a group of guys I recognize as being from Jason's frat. I'm glad that he has so many friends to always do stuff with.

Jason glares at Tim for a brief second before nodding at him once. "Yeah, I guess they are. You know, it is good to find out who your real ones are. And of course, who will stab you in the back the first chance they get." His voice is raising and we're beginning to gain an audience. I look away nervously, not wanting to get involved with this. "Oh, what?" he yells, louder with each word, "Is that too painful to hear, Haley? Why? It's the goddamn truth! You're a stupid little slut who ditched me at the altar for your ex-boyfriend."

Before I can even react beyond 'why is he getting this way now after all this time and after he said maybe he was being too hard on me', Brooke's hand shoots out and she slaps him across the face. "Listen up, you pathetic piece of shit," she defends, stepping around me so she is looking directly up at him, "I have tolerated you ragging on my best friend for almost eight months now I've done this because I know it is what she wanted. But not anymore, not every again. Get over it, and stay the hell away from her."

She's screaming even louder than he was, and I am overcome by this really strange urge to laugh, but if I know anything, it is that now is not the time. So instead, I insipidly swing my gaze back and forth between them for a minute before turning away from both and finding an empty seat several rows away. To my horror, practically everyone in the arena is staring at us, including a bunch of the players who were warming up. I can't even bear to check if Nathan is one of those players, but I can practically feel that he is.

I can't stay here. There is no way, not now. I stand up slowly and march back up the stairs. It takes everything in me not to run, not to sprint like instinct is telling me I should.

"Haley! Haley, wait!" Tim calls from behind me.

I stop, waiting for him. "Hey," I say softly, attempting a smile. "I'm okay, Tim, you should go enjoy the game," I encourage, "No need to miss it on my account."

"Oh, knock it off, you know you want my company," he grins, again placing his arm around my shoulder. "So, you okay?"

"I don't know what I expect, Tim. I know that what I did to Jason sucked, and that he has every right to hate me, but then I don't want him to. And I feel so bad, so incredibly bad and guilty over everything, but I still can't fix things."

He kisses me on my temple. "Maybe you aren't supposed to fix things, James. Maybe this is something that is unfixable, and you just need to move on now. Let it go."

"I wish it were that simple."

"Look, Haley, I respect that you want to make things up to Jason, and I even respect that you feel guilty about things. The problem is, you can't change his mind, you can't make him act a certain way, and you can't make him feel something he doesn't. It's time to stop trying."

I glance up at him, finally managing a smile. "You watch too much daytime television. Dr. Phil, to be exact." We both laugh a little.

"Well, he's a smart, old Southern boy," he reasons, "If watching him is bad, maybe I don't want to be right."

We laugh, and I look around, expecting Brooke. "Uh, where's Tigger?"

He looks at the ground. "She's probably kicking my cousin's ass right about now," he mumbles, "She told me to go and she'd stay. I agreed because I was worried about you."

"Thanks," I smile, trying not to think of what horrors Brooke is probably inflicting on Jason right now.

"Think she's drawn blood yet?" he asks with a laugh.

"Probably," I nod, trying not to think of what on earth she could be doing to him. "We shouldn't be laughing at the idea," I tell him, smiling.

"Yeah, I guess not," he agrees, "But it's funny. Look at Brooke, all girly and little, but she can get pretty crazy when she has to."

"She's tough, and she's protective. And overall, she's just a really good friend."

"So are you," he tells me, squeezing me. "So don't even think you aren't, okay?" I nod, grateful that he's here with me.

"You want to go back in and watch some of the game? Look for Brooke, maybe?" He shakes his head, though, groaning. I follow his gaze, turning to see Brooke being escorted out by a security person.

"Tim, Tutor Girl," she sniffs disdainfully, "Tell this guy to take his hands off me! It isn't my fault that I had to ream Jason out, is it?"

The security guard scowls at her, and yanks on her arm. "Uh, sir?" I ask, stepping in; it is only right since she was defending my honor. "Please don't take her away. She was just helping me out."

"Look, one way or the other, she has to leave. You guys can go with her, but she's gone. And I'm following to make sure of it."

"Let's go then," I sigh, suddenly upset again over missing the game.

"No, you stay, Haley, go find Karen and Keith or something. I can escort our little shitstirrer home, no problem."

Even though I want to stay, I can't. After what Brooke did in standing up for me, I'm not sending her home, kicked out of the damn arena. No way. "Nah, I'd rather hang out with you guys, actually."

"Liar," Brooke laughs, shoving me away. "No, go. Find Karen, cry on her shoulder for awhile. I mean it, you shouldn't miss watching Nathan play because Jason is a jackass and I'm a hothead."

I give her a hug. "Thank you for being a hothead. That was strangely awesome of you," I laugh.

She curtsies – well, she attempts a curtsy, but the security guard won't let her. "Have fun!" she calls as she's dragged off. As Tim follows her down the corridor, I can hear him teasing her.

Figuring I look awful, I duck into a nearby bathroom and splash a little cold water on my cheeks. Once I look calmer, I step back out, making my way over to the ticket counter. To sit in the visitor section, I will need to buy a ticket, which I do.

I stand at the top of the section, noticing finally that the game is already well underway. I spot Karen and Keith who are of course sitting by Dan and Deb. Since I can't stand here for the entirety of the game, I make my way down to their seats, suddenly glad for unassigned seating.

"Haley!" Karen exclaims when I touch her shoulder, "What are you doing here?" Oh, she is such a bad liar. I can tell from the look on her face that they saw everything that happened with Jason, but it's nice that they'll pretend they didn't.

"Oh, Brooke and Tim had to leave," I say, and I'm sure they all know the reason why. Both Keith and Dan look like they're trying to contain their laughter. "Okay, get it out," I encourage, "Just laugh Brooke getting kicked out because of me. It is a little funny."

"Aw, honey, it wasn't so bad," Keith grins, "That Brooke is sure a spitfire. She has a good right hook, too."

"What? She didn't tell me she hit him!" I exclaim, worried.

Dan laughs, "He was fine, looked more stunned than anything. I'm sure he wasn't hurt. Look, he's still here, he must be fine."

I sigh, collapsing into the seat next to Karen. "I can't believe Brooke hit someone. No wonder she got kicked out of here."

Deb reaches around Karen and pats me on the arm. "I'm sure she had a good reason, if that makes you feel any better."

I nod. "I know she did, I just feel bad that I was the good reason. I'm sure he said something about me," I sigh.

"Well, then he got what he deserves," Keith grins loyally.

I don't know if I agree with that all things considered, but I'll take each and every bit of support that I can get, so I smile widely at him. We watch the game, having a terrific time cheering for Nathan. He plays a great game, and there are a couple of instances where he seeks us out and we make eye contact.

After the game, I accept the invitation to wait with them to see him. We stand around in the same place that we did a couple of years ago, and I can't help but think of how different things would be now if I'd gone after what I'd wanted then. It's weird because this is the first time I've let myself think of this. All along, I've insisted to others and myself that I was right and that what I was doing was for the best, but here I am in a near-empty arena questioning all the beliefs I've held true for the last three and a half years.

And then here he is. Right in front of me, hugging his parents. He still looks uncomfortable around Dan, and I know immediately he hasn't been able to talk to him about how he feels about the effort Dan makes with Luke and not him. He kisses Karen on the cheek and hugs Keith, asking them where Eric is.

"We found a sitter for him," Karen explains, "He's at that age where he doesn't want to be held and wants to get into everything. We figured it'd be much more enjoyable if he was running someone else ragged for the evening."

"I bet he's getting big," he smiles, and I'm beginning to think he's avoiding me altogether. I feel incredibly out of place here all of a sudden, even though I know I shouldn't.

Deb looks between he and I, trying to gauge what is going on. I shrug at her to indicate I don't know.

He finally looks over my way and offers me a lopsided smile. My heart melts at the sight of his trademark smirk, and I manage one of my own in response. He gives me a quick hug. "Hey," he smiles, "You need me to kick some ass for you?"

"Even the players saw that?" I ask, groaning.

"It wasn't very quiet," he shrugs, "And then Brooke nailed him. I always knew she was mean, but I didn't know she was mean like that. I'm glad we ran in the same crowd back in elementary school; she could've kicked my ass."

"I missed that part. Sounds like it was the best part of the whole ordeal."

"What'd he say to you?" he asks curiously.

"Exactly what you'd expect him to say considering where we were."

"He attacked you because I was playing in the game?" he asks incredulously, "That guy is delusional. We all know you stopped loving me a long time ago, and crap, it's not like I'm even still wasting my time thinking of you. I mean, in the way that I used to."

I nod my head jerkily. "Oh, no, of course not. He's just uhm, grasping for any reason, anywhere to place the blame I guess."

Well, I guess there's that. Now I know exactly where I stand with him – he doesn't waste his time thinking of me. Saves me the agony of embarrassment if I'd confessed how I was feeling to him at least. But this – this is so hard, standing here in front of him, trying not to let him know how he's affected me with his words, how crushed I'm feeling.

I glance away from him, and I see the looks of recognition on the faces of Deb and Karen, and possibly Dan and Keith. It's embarrassing that they know what I was feeling, and it is all I can do not to cry. If they know, what if Nathan can see it, too?

I step back from him, giving myself a chance to regroup my defenses. I plaster a nice, big smile on my face. "Well, I'd better get going. I um, have a project due tomorrow, and I need to give a call to my partner see if she's ready to go. It was nice to see all of you."

I walk away, which is weird for me. I didn't even wait for a response, and I always do. I hear footsteps behind me, but I don't look to see who it is. I already know that it's Nathan. He's the only one who wouldn't let me go even though they all knew full well I wanted to leave. No, Nathan is the only one who would chase me down and make me spill what's bothering me.

His warm hand grasps my upper arm, and I stop, not wanting to look like more of an ass than I already know I do. "What's up?" I ask cheerily, sounding fake to my own ears.

"Why'd you run off?" I can tell he is confused, and that breaks my heart just a little bit more. We're so far apart now that he doesn't even know, doesn't even get it.

"Like I said, project tomorrow." I turn to pull away, but he grips my arm tighter.

"Don't lie to me, Haley. I know you better than that – what's going on?"

I shake my head, knowing that there is no way in hell I can tell him what's going on, what I'm thinking, and especially what I'm feeling right now. "It's nothing, Nathan, let it go," I whisper, appealing to him with the sense of urgency in my voice.

"Knock it off, you can't brush me off like this. Why would you want to? Did I piss you off somehow? No, it couldn't be that, I don't see or talk to you enough for that, and you'd tell me anyways."

I manage a small smile at him. "I'm not mad at you. I'm not mad at anyone. I'm just tired and drained, and I want to go home."

He stares at me, and I know he doesn't believe me, but I also know that he doesn't want to push me anymore, not when I'm like this. "Well, if you really have to go, who am I to keep you?"

I want to tell him that he's everything, everyone – all that matters, but I bite my tongue. I give him a small wave, stepping backwards when he takes a small step towards me, moving in as if to hug me. His brow furrows at the realization that I'm trying to avoid him, and he opens his mouth, but I turn my back on him, eager to avoid this conversation.

"Bye Nathan," I call over my shoulder as I hurry away. He doesn't say anything, and I realize that after the way I just acted, I neither expected nor deserved a response anyways.

The fresh, cold air outside hits me like a ton of bricks. There are still plenty of people out here, joking around with each other and cheering over Duke's victory. I stumble away from them, my tears beginning to blind me. There is no one I want to be around right now, not even Brooke or Tim. Maybe Luke, if he were here. Whipping out my phone, I scroll through and find his number, waiting impatiently as it rings.

"'Lo?"

"Luke? Were you sleeping?" I ask, confused.

"No, just drunk," he mumbles, "Hales? Is that you?" I start laughing, and he bursts out, "Hales! It is you!"

I guess now isn't a good time to talk to him about this, but at least he made me laugh. "It's me, Lukie. I was just calling to say hi. I miss you."

"Miss you, too, Hales! Miss Brooke, too. Give each other a kiss for me." I laugh, and after a second, he adds, "Wait till I get there for that, though."

"Luke, I'm gonna let you go. Thank you."

"For what?" he asks, clearly confused.

"For being you. Love you."

"Love you more, Hales. Bye!"

We hang up, and I'm back to feeling sorry for myself. For awhile now I've known that Nathan was more to me than an ex-boyfriend or husband, but tonight it was solidified. Losing the possibility of ever having anything with him is this crushing weight bearing down on me.

I find a quiet bench away from the cheerful basketball fans, and sit down. The night is cold, but the sky is clear. There are stars out, and as I gaze up at them, I feel empty. Without Nathan, I feel empty. I am empty, and the worst part is, it took me all this time to realize it. Denial at its finest, I guess.


	16. Carry That Weight

**Chapter Sixteen – _Carry That Weight_**

_'Boy, you're gonna carry that weight _

_Carry that weight a long time _

_Boy, you're gonna carry that weight _

_Carry that weight a long time'_ - The Beatles

June 2010 Graduation Day

"It's peaceful here at night," Brooke comments about the stretch of beach we're sitting on. During the day, this place is insanely crowded as far as the eye can see.

"Cheap wine, cheap company, and cheap cover fee," I joke, laughing when Tim elbows me in the ribs.

"Hey, you're only getting away with that because it's graduation night, and I'm in a damn fine mood," he laughs.

Graduation. Another chapter of my life is finished, but of course, another is starting. Today was just a weird day. My parents weren't here, of course, and Brooke's definitely weren't, which isn't weird, but Karen and Keith are in Lansing with Eric for Luke's graduation, and Nathan is also graduating this weekend, so that's where Deb and Dan are. Even though I have Brooke and Tim, I still feel kind of abandoned, which is silly because I'm not their child. Plus, Karen feels absolutely horrid that she's missing this, and she's promised to make it up to me, even though I told her not to worry about it.

It's just a little hollow, this so-called accomplishment of mine. Aside from Brooke and Tim, there is no one to share it with. It's just us. Most of the time, this doesn't bother me, but for some reason tonight, I'm feeling it. I'm feeling that twinge of disappointment that comes from being the one left behind.

It's a weird time for all three of us, though. Tim has been offered a job in Durham which he is seriously contemplating; Brooke has another year of vet school left and is waiting to see what happens next week with Lucas in the draft; and me, well, I'm adrift. All I know is that the one thing I want is something that I can't have, and I am having a hard time defining my life otherwise right now.

"Are we going to kill each other all of us living in the same house?" Brooke asks out of nowhere.

"As long as the maid service comes once a week," Tim grins, "I will be just fine. Haley sucked for never letting me get one last year."

"Baby," I taunt, "We had an apartment that was like 800 square feet. I think we managed just fine."

"Yeah, but if we had someone in to do it, we'd not only be saving ourselves some time, but we'd have been helping the economy, James. You need to look at the big picture here!"

Brooke and I both groan. "Jesus, Tim, you are one lazy little shithead, aren't you?" she sighs in exasperation.

"And he's even proud of it," I chime in, "Look at him, look at that grin. He knows it and he loves it."

"He would," Brooke laughs. Tim just grins as we sit here talking about him. "So, really, we'll be okay, right?"

I shrug, "I don't see why not. I mean, it's a huge house, so at the very least, if someone needs space, they'll be able to find it. Besides, my parents haven't sold the house yet, and Tim has his parents to fall back on if you drive us too crazy."

She grins at my teasing, but Tim frowns. "I'm not moving back home. My parents are cool, but no thanks."

"Dumbass, she meant if you needed to get out, you'd have a place to stay," Brooke tells him, rolling her eyes.

"Oh," he exclaims, the lightbulb in his brain turning on suddenly, "I get it now. Shut up, you two."

I grab the jug of wine from Brooke. "I'm glad we did this," I comment, "There really was no other perfect way to spend tonight, was there?"

Tomorrow, on the other hand, is going to be about as far from perfect as it gets. Tomorrow is Tim's graduation party, which of course I will be attending. Also on the 'of course' front, so will Jason, along with Gina, Lola, and Marissa. It's not that I don't want to see them, but I know that they have no desire to see me, and it is bound to be uncomfortable.

If it wasn't something for Tim, I'd bail, but he's one of my best friends, and I can't and won't do that to him. Besides, if I go around avoiding my problems and my feelings forever, I'll just continue to end up in crappy positions similar to the one I am in now. And I don't want that, I really don't.

"I know we said it earlier, but who would've thought four years ago that the three of us would end up together, on a beach, drinking cheap wine directly from the bottles?" Brooke asks with a tipsy sounding laugh.

"Not me," I burst out, probably a little tipsy sounding myself, "Definitely not me. I thought I'd be all alone with no friends, holed up in some stupid library or something."

"I thought that about you, too," Tim grins, winking at me, "You were such a tutor girl back then."

"Hey, she's still my little Tutor Girl!" Brooke grins, "And I don't mean that in a bad way!"

"Give credit where credit is due," I laugh, "If it hadn't been for me, at least one of you wouldn't have made it through first semester at THCC!"

Tim covers his face in his hands. "That would be me you're referring to, don't deny it, we all know it."

"Aw, I was teasing Smith, we all know you're a lot smarter than you get credit for most of the time."

"I know you were teasing, but hey, it's the truth. I wouldn't have made it through without both of you. I hope y'all know that," he blushes as he gets a little sappy. Brooke and I, who are each sitting on one side of him, look behind him at each other, and then lean our heads on his shoulder.

"Ditto, Smith," I tell him, feeling myself choke up due to the mix of wine and emotion, "Ditto."

"We've done good," Brooke decides from her perch on his shoulder, "I'm serious for once, the three of us, we've done good as friends. You two have been amazing, I'm lucky to have you. I was just joking about the killing stuff earlier, by the way."

Tim and I laugh. "Wow, and I was really worried," Tim deadpans, "If there is anyone I'm afraid of, it is definitely you, Brooke Davis. Although, I tend to be more afraid of you when I'm awake, but whatever."

"And you better watch out for her right hook then," I join in, laughing when Brooke smacks Tim on the back of his head.

"I take back all the nice things I said about both of you," she pouts, "You two are nothing but big old meanies, and I want nothing to do with it."

"Yeah, and you're all sweet and innocent, right, Tigger?" I ask with a laugh. She leans around Tim, rolling her eyes at me.

"Shut up."

"Girls, girls, break it up. Unless one or both of you plan on stripping down to a white t-shirt and indulging in a midnight ocean fight."

"Ocean fight?" Brooke and I ask at the same time. "What the hell?" she finishes.

He shrugs. "I was just thinking, you two plus white t-shirts plus frosty ocean water equals happy Tim." He glances at me. "And you said I sucked at equations."

"Pervert," I mutter as Brooke jabs her elbow into his side.

"Seriously, Tim, face it – there is never going to be any girl on girl action featuring the two of us. You need to accept that and move on."

He grins optimistically, "You know what, though? You never know. One day, out of the blue, something could happen, and I'd be the happiest best friend on this planet ever!"

"You're crazy. And delusional. But whatever gets you through the night," I tell him, shaking my head against his shoulder.

"Believe me, these thoughts do get me through the night."

Brooke and I both jump up and away from him. "Jesus, Tim, that is disgusting! We're your friends, not some hoochies from the strip club! You shouldn't think of things like that!" I exclaim, glaring at him.

Brooke stands next to me, her hands on her hips. "Remember that time, must've been about three years ago now, that I told you if you got too close to me at a party I'd make you sorry in ways you couldn't even begin to imagine. That offer still stands."

He shudders, looking away. "Fine, I won't talk about that anymore," he pouts, "I'm scared of you, Brooke. At the very least, I saw what you did to Jason. I can imagine what you could do to more valuable parts."

"You're such a jackass sometimes," I sigh, shaking my head at him, "I wouldn't even blame Tigger if she strings you up."

"Thanks," he mutters sarcastically, "And I said I wouldn't bring that up anymore, and I won't even joke about it. Can we stop castrating me as an ass?"

Brooke and I both laugh. "Um, Timmy?" she asks, "Don't you mean castigate? Because castrating is exactly what you don't want to happen." I'm cracking up now.

"Whatever, I don't want either to happen, actually." His face is bright red, and starting to turn a little purple. "How do you know what castigate means, anyways?" he snaps at Brooke.

"Hey, it pays to have a big vocabulary. Using a big word once in awhile makes a big impression on people," she beams, clearly proud she knew what word he meant when he flubbed things.

"I'm coming to the conclusion that both of you are complete freaks," I grin, shaking my head at their banter.

"Yeah, and what does that make you?" Tim asks, "You're with us all the time, you must have some freak in you, too."

"She's Tutor Freak," Brooke laughs, taking another swig of wine, "And she likes it!"

I roll my eyes at them as they laugh like Brooke is Chris Rock nailing a comedy routine – and she is so not Chris Rock. "You guys really think you're funny, don't you?"

Brooke's drunken smile widens even further. "Oh, I know I am, but Timmy here, he's a little misguided if he thinks so," she stage whispers to me, giggling at the end.

"Ha, I am so funnier than you," he retorts, and as they drift into yet another childish argument that I do usually find amusing, I tune out.

It'd be nice if I could get into the friendly banter routine with them, but I can't. I've come off things that have had a lot of my attention before, but I've always been able to escape it with Brooke and Tim. But for the last three months since Nathan said he didn't love me in casual conversation, this particular outlet of escape has eluded me, no matter how hard I try.

I think I'm a little mad. At Nathan, for not waiting for me, but mostly at myself because I have made so many mistakes in regards to my relationship with Nathan that I killed it. I ended it, time and again through engagements, pushing him away, you name it, I did it. That's the damnedest thing, I know that there is no one else to blame besides me. Nathan pushed for me to accept that we could make it work for a really time – he had faith, I didn't. Jason, I can't blame him either, he always gave me the space needed in the beginning to figure out what I wanted and needed. All of my friends recognized that I still wanted Nathan for a long time there.

It's hard, though. I still think it was the right decision to break up – both of us needed the time and distance to gain perspective as to whether this relationship was right for us. Too bad we each ended up deciding different things, I guess.

I guess in the end it is for the best. How could it not be, right? Yeah, it sucks that I know now I'll never have that second or third or fourth or whatever chance this would be with Nathan, but wouldn't it suck worse to have him when I'm not what he really wanted? Isn't that exactly why I couldn't marry Jason when it came down to it? As far as I can tell, it would be the most awful thing ever.

So maybe it's time to be glad. Time to accept that this is the way things are, and that even if I don't like it, it is for the best. Move on. Too bad all of these things are so hard to get a damn handle on.

"Tutor Girl!" Brooke shouts, snapping her fingers in front of my face, "Where the hell were you?"

I haven't talked much about what happened after Nathan's game with either of them, and now isn't the time to start, so I just shrug. "Just out there," I say vaguely.

They both look at me dubiously, but neither push the issue. "Well, finish your jug," Tim suggests, handing my wine to me.

"Yeah, okay," I agree as I lift the bottle to my mouth. "Shit, you guys? We're too drunk to drive, and who the hell will come get us now? It's the middle of the night," I groan.

Both of their mouths drop open. "Uh, um, maybe we could stay here?" Brooke manages to stutter out, looking around the deserted beach.

"It's already getting cold," Tim whines, glancing at his watch, "And it's almost midnight, we can't call my parents."

"Tim, call your brother," Brooke orders, "He's sixteen, so he's probably up anyways. No respectable sixteen year old is asleep at midnight on a Saturday."

"God, he's probably drunk, too," Tim sighs, pulling his phone out of his pocket. "I'll try, though."

Brooke and I huddle together while he does so, picking up the blankets and brushing the sand off of them.

"You're okay, right?" she asks, peering intently at me.

I nod, smiling softly. "Yeah, I'll be okay, Tigger," I assure her, "I've got you and Luke and Tim, what more could I need, right?"

She wraps an arm around my shoulder. "You think that Tim and Luke will be able to get along?" she asks, chewing on her lower lip nervously, "I mean, I know Tim did some really shitty things to Luke in high school, but that was a long time ago, so maybe they'll be able to move on?"

I shrug, not being able to definitively give her the answer she wants. "Well, I'm sure they'll come to some sort of understanding, but I can't promise it won't take awhile. Anyways, you'll just lay down the law and guilt them both by reminding them how much they mean to you, and they'll fall in line."

"You think that's all it'll take?"

"Dunno," I admit, "But they won't act like ten year olds. Unless there is a video game involved or something. It'll work out in the end, though, I don't doubt that."

She nods. "I hope so. It'd be really nice if they could be friends, or if not that, at least friendly towards one another."

I laugh, "Well, they probably will; at least when you're in the room. I mean, they know what's up, Slugger."

She laughs, too. "I just hit him once, and not that hard."

"Tigger, he had a black eye for a week and a half or something, wasn't it?"

She shrugs, still laughing. A proud look has also crossed her face. "Yeah, I think it was actually pushing two weeks, thank you very much."

"You're terrible. And a terribly good friend," I smile, laughing as she hugs me.

"I am, aren't I?" she laughs. Tim turns back around, shutting his phone. "So, will he pick us up? I'll flirt with him," she jokes.

"Oh, God, bad visions," he mutters, "But yeah, he will. Without the promise of flirting, so you can skip that part, okay?"

"Sure, will do, sir," she chuckles.

Tim steps between us, throwing an arm over each of our shoulders. "So, this is it, the end of an era. Weird."

"You're so melodramatic, Smith," I tease, smiling up at him, "It's not like we won't be seeing each other more often now or anything."

"Don't be such a brat, James, I was just opining on the fact that our lives are drastically changing now! Let me have that, at least!"

"I can't believe you know what opine means," I laugh, as we walk up to wait for his brother. As we go, I have to let myself think that maybe things will be okay – I have great friends, and they've got me through a lot so far, why can't they get me through this?

"This is going to be a mess," I hear Brooke saying as I walk down the stairs, "Someone's ass is going to get kicked today."

"And you'll do the kicking, right?" Tim asks with a sigh.

She snorts. "I didn't say that," she snaps, defending herself, "And besides, I'd only do something with good reason and you know it."

"I just hope that they all kind of behave themselves. She doesn't need to be yelled at by them anymore; besides, it'll have been a year next week, so it isn't like it's too fresh. I'm just worried they'll pile another guilt trip on her."

It's sweet that they're worried about me, it really is. But this is Tim's day, Tim's graduation party, and he shouldn't be worrying about me before it! I walk down the last few steps and into the living room where they're standing close together.

"Whatever happens, you guys, I'll be fine. I can take being yelled at by your entire family, Tim. It's okay."

They both jump in surprise at the sound of my voice. Tim turns around slowly. "You shouldn't have to be yelled at by anyone, though, that was the point."

I smile. "It's a nice thought, that, but we both know it isn't true, and even if it is, it doesn't really mean anything. Look, don't worry about me, I will be okay."

Brooke nods. "We know you will, Tutor Girl, but that isn't the point."

"So, what is the point exactly?" I ask, although I am more than a little sure that I am not going to want to know the answer.

"The point is, when they start hounding you and making you feel bad, I'm going to step in." I open my mouth to protest, but she holds a hand up, effectively stopping me. "No, I am. They have no right anymore, a year – a year! – later, to keep harassing you about it. No right. And I'm going to make sure they are aware of that fact."

"Everything will turn out fine, I promise," I assert. They both look completely disbelieving, and I probably do, too, at least to some extent. As much as I know Jason and his family do not want to see me, that's about how much I don't want to see them either.

"If you say so," Tim sighs, "And I'll do my best to make sure they all know that it won't be tolerated if they go after you."

I shake my head. "No, Tim, don't say anything about me to them, I mean it. I'll avoid them, and things will be peachy. Try not to worry so much."

He nods. "Fine, I won't. I'm gonna go make some breakfast, either of you want anything?" We both decline, thanking him anyway.

Brooke looks over at me. "You're crapping your pants, aren't you? I can tell, don't deny it. You're nervous as hell."

I shrug. "Sure, I'm nervous. Last time I saw Jason's family, the youngest one slapped me and the other two pointed out how much they hate me. It won't be comfortable to see them again, that's for sure."

"Well, come on, let's go upstairs and get dressed. I'll even do your hair today, you have to look hot for the ex."

I roll my eyes, but comply, following her up the stairs. "This is going to be torture today," I mutter, feeling overly stressed about everything. "I can already feel their glares directed at me."

She shrugs. "Yeah, but there is nothing you can do about it. Just stay strong, and don't give them the satisfaction of making you visibly uncomfortable."

"Easier said than done, Tigger," I whine, the nerves I have overwhelming me. She just grabs my arm and drags me into her room.

"Look, we're going to deal with this the best way I know how. And that way is dress you up like you're my own personal Barbie doll," she grins, pushing me down onto a chair. "Okay, this is going to be great," she enthuses.

I roll my eyes, but let her have her way. One, it's easier, and two, this day will be easier to face if I'm looking good. No doubt about that.

"Let's do it, then," I sigh, leaning back and closing my eyes as she goes to work on my hair.

"It'll be okay," she says quietly, "I've got your back, and Tim does, too. It'll all be alright." She crinkles her nose, realizing how optimistically dumb she sounds, and laughs.

"You sound like a new-age 'all you need is love' type guru," I laugh, "And it is kind of freaking me out."

"Hey, you say that like there's something wrong with it," she accuses, tugging on my hair, "Be nice!"

"I was kidding. But you're right, it will be alright. Weird, and probably awkward, sure, but it will be alright."

"I hope so," she murmurs, picking out eye shadows for me to wear today. "Tim won't admit it, but he's pretty proud of himself, and I know he'd like everyone to behave today."

"See, this is why I didn't want to date my friend's cousin in the first place," I groan, "Shit always happens, and then there are awkward, tense situations like this. I hate this, I hate that I put us all in this situation."

"Well, it's already been done, and it was a long time ago, so everyone can just officially get over it. Maybe they'll have moved on," she says, again with the optimism.

"Pfft, in my dreams," I sigh, "But you know what? It doesn't matter – this is Tim's day, and I am not going to be involved in anything that might ruin it."

"Then there's no problem here. If something shitty happens, the blame will rest where it belongs."

"Yeah." She moves over towards her closet. She pulls a few things out and hands them to me. "I have my own clothes, Tigger," I laugh.

"I know," she smiles, "And you're dressing much better now than before we hung out, but it's fun to wear other people's clothes sometimes. And you need some fun. Besides, that outfit will be perfect."

"Ha, like we don't wear each other's clothes almost every single day," I remind her, "You're crazy."

"Just a little bit. Anyways, this is a different sort of situation, so it's not out of line for you to look extra extraordinary, especially if it rubs things in the a certain ex-asshole's face some."

I can't help it – I laugh. I laugh because she's right and I laugh because I needed to. "Thanks, I needed that laugh," I admit, "And you're right, looking good is a great way to make any situation a little more bearable."

"We must be spending too much time together if you're agreeing with me on this one," she comments dryly.

"Well, it's not like I think I deserve or even have a reason to rub it in his face, but it doesn't hurt to have a little extra self-confidence for a situation like this," I smile.

"Get dressed," she orders, stepping back to the closet to pull out her own outfit, "This is going to be a fun day. We're going to celebrate with Tim, and I'm not going to sit here waiting for Luke to call, and you're going to snap out of this funk that you've been in since you saw Nathan last."

I look up at her in surprise, nearly tripping over the skirt I'm sliding on when she says this. "What do you mean?" I rush out.

She rolls her eyes, tossing me a belt. "Tutor Girl, please. I'm not that dense that I wouldn't notice. Hell, Tim is that dense, and he noticed. Something changed there, and it obviously wasn't the way you wanted. What gives?"

"Why are you bringing this up now?" I snap, suddenly irritated with her, with Nathan, with the world in general.

"Because I'm tired of you moping over something that for whatever reason, you think you can't have. And I'm even more tired that you're moping without even trying for it."

"I tried," I argue heatedly, "I tried, and I used up all my chances, and I'm not laying myself out there again."

"Oh? How exactly did you lay yourself out there this last time? Did you tell him you love him? Did you tell him he's the only one you've ever really loved? Did you tell him that you've realized that you don't want to live your life without him?" I remain silent, which is answer enough for her. "I didn't think so."

"You don't understand."

"You're right," she agrees, sighing at me, "I don't understand. I don't understand why you would let go of something that you want so bad. I don't understand why you'd roll over and give up like this. I don't understand, and I think it's pitiful. And when you couple it with the fact that you're acting like a depressed teenager, I really don't understand and I think it's downright pathetic."

Wow, who better to lay things out for you than your best friend? "Way to hold back," I spit out sarcastically, "How sensitive of you."

"Grow up," she retorts, "Sue me for being the one to actually say it. You know, I love you, but you need to look at your priorities in life – go after something you really want for a change, hold on to someone you love."

She turns and stalks out of her own damn room, leaving me behind half-dressed with a ton of things to think about. Maybe she's right, maybe I gave up too easily. The thing is, there is such a thing as too little, too late, and that's what it was with Nathan. I was too little, and I was definitely too late.

It's okay, though. It has to be so that I can be, too. And I need to be okay, oh, how I need to be okay. It feels like years – four, precisely, since I've been okay. I've been flitting around, and while I've sustained and made some great relationships, but I haven't found what I was looking for, which is what I had all along.

I'm not unhappy, I'm really not. How could I be when I have three of the best friends anyone could ask for, right? But still, there are pieces missing; I'm not whole right now. The thing is, though, I'll never have that thing, that piece, I want to make me whole. Nathan won't be mine.

But more important things – I was an ass to Brooke just now. I've been an ass for the last three months, and I owe her an apology. I finish dressing quickly, and then step out of her room to go find her. She didn't go far – she's sitting at the top of the stairs. I sit down next to her.

"Hey," I call softly, "I'm sorry I got so snippy. And I'm even more sorry that I tried to hide the fact that something was wrong all this time."

She glances over at me, managing a small smile. "You don't have to apologize. I just thought we were good enough friends to say those things to each other."

"God, Tigger, we are! You're my best friend!" I tell her, urgently, "How could you think otherwise?"

She rolls her eyes at me, shrugging the hand I'd laid on her shoulder off of her. "Real friends can talk to each other about anything. They don't hide stuff like this, not the way you do. I really don't get it. There aren't these trust issues there, you know?"

"It isn't like that, Tigger," I sigh, "I trust you as much as I trust anyone else. This was just so hard, and I felt so stupid, and – and – and – "

"And what?" she asks softly, as I stutter, choking back tears.

"And if I say it," I whisper tremulously, "Then it is even more real. And Tigger, I don't want this to be real."

She brushes a strand of stray hair out of my face. "I'm sorry. I know it is hard, but Hales, you can't just ignore it or keep it bottled up."

"Why not?" I ask petulantly, "It's been working well enough so far."

"Has it really? Do you feel any better? Are you doing a better job of dealing with the problem? Don't answer, it is rhetorical, I already know the answer."

I shake my head. "It's just hard, Tigger, and I don't know how to talk about it, okay? I don't know how to say that he doesn't love me and he doesn't want me anymore. How do you say it? How do you say it when saying it is what makes it true?"

"You just do," she murmurs, wrapping her arms around me, "And you cry and let it out, and then you pick up the pieces and move on."

"I don't know how to move on," I whisper, "I was supposed to move on four years ago when he left, and I never did, not really. I'm afraid if I try again the same thing will happen – I'll mess it up, hurt people."

"What happened? With Nathan, I mean," she clarifies unnecessarily, "How'd you get to this point; what'd he do?"

I shake my head. "He did nothing besides be honest." I sigh, leaning back on my elbows, needing some space. "I went with his family after the game to say hi, and I was hoping we could talk. Of course everyone had seen the fight, so there was talk of that, and he asked what it was about. I explained, and he scoffed at the mere idea that anything would be going on between he and I since he knew I didn't love him, and since he sure doesn't love me anymore."

"He said that?" she winces.

I nod. "Yeah, he did. Just like that. I don't know how he possibly could have made it clearer unless he hired a skywriter. It was humiliating, especially since he was the only one who didn't seem to have a clue how I feel."

"Maybe no one else noticed, either," she says, obviously only to make me feel better. I just look at her and she shrugs, "Well, it's possible."

"No, it isn't. They all knew. How could they not? God, Tigger, how could he not?" I ask, crying in earnest now.

"Maybe he did," she shrugs. I look up at her sharply. "I don't know," she continues, "But maybe he's trying to spare your feelings or something."

"God, don't say that," I spit out with a bitter laugh, "That would be a million times worse. I don't want his pity or sympathy. Nothing like that."

"Maybe he's just a clueless typical male then," she suggests, "Or maybe he thinks you don't feel that way about him, so he doesn't want you to know how he really feels."

"Brooke, he's never hesitated to tell me before, so why would he start now? It doesn't make sense. Believe me, I've been over every single possible loophole in my mind, every possible reason he could have been lying or whatever. And none make sense. Not one."

She looks down at me. "Look, I guess you should know he'll be home next week to watch the draft with everyone."

I look at her blankly. Why hasn't the thought of him coming home even crossed my mind? "Permanently?" I choke out.

She shrugs. "Doubtful. Draft is next weekend, so he'll probably take up residence wherever he goes in that. That's what Luke thinks anyways."

"Right, of course," I nod, not having thought of that. "Well, I mean, it isn't like he'll want to hang out with me or anything. I probably won't even see him."

She rolls her eyes. "Sure you will, and we both know it. Barbeque, Dan and Deb will freak if you don't show up."

I groan, "Yeah, I know. I was pretending, though, living in denial. You could've left me there for awhile, you know."

She giggles. "Nah, it's my job to drag your ass out of there. It's better for you this way, trust me."

I shrug, pulling myself to my feet. "Well, whatever, let's go fix my makeup and get downstairs to meet Tim. It's getting close to time to go," I point out.

She glances at her watch. "Damn, we better haul some ass," she agrees, jumping up. "This is going to be a weird little party."

"Thanks, Captain Obvious, I think we all knew that one."

She slings an arm over my shoulder. "Shut up, you ingrate. Now come on, let's go."

We finish getting ready as quickly as we can, and then we rush downstairs to meet Tim.

"Bout time," he grins, "I've been waiting ten minutes for you two and your lame, primping, girly asses."

"Shut up, Tim, you spend nearly as much time getting ready as we do, and you don't even have half the amount of hair that we do!" Brooke retorts, poking him in the side.

"Hey, that is not true!" he argues, "Well, fine, maybe a little true, but that's because I'm not as naturally gorgeous as the two of you. I have to work for it."

Brooke and I look at each before aw-ing at him. "You're so sweet sometimes," she laughs.

"Sugary sweet," I agree, "I think he wants something."

"Nope, just noting that I'm aware I'll be with the two hottest ladies in town today as my dates."

"Dates? For a family barbeque?" Brooke questions.

"Well, you know what I mean," he shrugs, "Anyways, come on, let's get going. You're driving, right, James?"

"How could I say no?" I ask wryly, "After all it is your day, Smith."

I follow them to the car, and we pile in, rocking out to Rolling Stones' songs on the short drive to his parent's place. We're all quiet aside from the singing, each thinking of the possible outcomes of this gathering of people. It'll be interesting; that's the nicest adjective I can come up with to describe this thing.

We're singing along to 'Ruby Tuesday' when I pull up in front of the Smith house, parking along the street. Jason's car is here already, as is one I recognize as being Gina's. I sigh, mentally fortifying myself to handle this day with at least a small modicum of dignity and grace.

"You ready?" Brooke asks us as we step out of the car. Tim and I both know the question is more directed at me, though.

"You betcha," I say, forcing a smile. It becomes a little more genuine as Tim links arms with me in a silent show of support. "Thanks," I whisper to him as he opens the front door, Brooke trailing behind us.

"It's gonna be okay, James," he says, squeezing my arm a little.

I nod. "Yeah, I know, I'm okay."

We walk through the door and into the living room where the rest of his well-wishers are hanging out.

"Tim!" His dad grins at him as he walks through the door, "Our oldest son, the college graduate!"

I disengage myself from Tim's arm so that he can go accept the hugs from everyone who is here to see him. Brooke moves to my side, grinning at me as she lays her arm on my shoulder, resting her chin there.

"He's so cute, getting all the hugs," she laughs, delighted, "Where's Grandma Smith with the cheek pinching? She's my favorite."

I smile back at her. "Probably warming up her fingers." I don't know if it is mostly just paranoia, but I feel the heat of people's gazes on me.

"You've got some admirers," she whispers, "I mean, not admirers, but people glaring at you. Lola looks like she would throw knives at you if she had some in her hands."

"Yeah, I get it," I sigh, shaking my head at her, "But at least we haven't had to duck yet."

My attempt at joking works as she looks at me admiringly. "Haley James, bringing the funny, color me impressed," she grins, "I'm so proud of you."

"You would be," I laugh back, "I really am becoming you, I guess. And hey, it's working out well so far, so I guess I won't complain about it."

"You're doing well," she encourages, dropping her voice back down to a more reasonable level. I dare to glance up and look around the room, and I see Jason, with his back to me, talking to Gina. Lola and Marissa are standing side by side glaring at me and whispering, inevitably about me. "They're just bitter, ignore it."

"I am," I tell her, thinking that should be at least fairly obvious. "Let's go to the kitchen and get some drinks," I suggest.

"Sounds good," she agrees, leading us out. Brooke passes through the door by Lola and Marissa, but they jump in front of it, forcing me to stand and face them.

I don't say anything, just stand here and wait to see what they have to say. "I guess this isn't the time or the place," Lola says, looking me up and down like I'm shit on the bottom of her shoe, "But you don't belong here. You aren't a part of this family, and you really have no business being here."

Brooke grabs her arm from behind, whirling her around to face her. "Brooke," I begin, "Drinks, let's go."

I step around the girls, and grab Brooke to lead her off. She stops though. "Just remember, I did damage to your brother's face, think what I could do that pretty little one of yours."

"God, Brooke," I moan, dragging her away, "What the hell did you have to do that for? As if I haven't fucked everything up enough as it is. You had to go and threaten her!"

She just grins cheekily in response. "Hey, I'm just doing what I need to, and what you need me to do."

"I don't need you to threaten people who already have plenty of reasons to hate me, okay?" I remind her, imploring that she'll be on her best behavior for the rest of the day. "Besides, you promised Tim."

"Damn, that last one was a cincher," she admits, "I'll behave. Well, I'll try to behave, because I mean, we both know what 'behave' means for me sometimes."

"Yes, we do," I agree, smirking at her. "But trying is good. Very good indeed. And anyways, let's just forget about that shit, we'll stay on the opposite side of rooms, and if necessary, we'll find different rooms to hang in."

"You are sucking all the fun out of these family feuds," she grumbles, pretending to pout. "I mean, if people are going to hate you, you should at least have some fun with it."

"There is nothing fun about this," I laugh wryly, "In fact, it's the opposite of fun! This is miserable and depressing. Well, mildly depressing. I honestly think these are the first people ever to hate me. Or at least for a real reason."

"The first time is the weirdest," she laughs, "We could make a whole 'first time' metaphor out of this, you know, but since Grandma Smith just came in the room, I won't start." She starts over towards Tim's grandmother, who she just adores. "Grandma Smith!"

I roll my eyes and sit down at a barstool. "Having fun yet?" a voice asks from behind me, startling me a little.

"Uh, I'm fine," I return, tucking my hair behind my ears. "If you want to yell at me, we're taking it outside. I promised Tim that things would be kept peaceful today, for him."

He shakes his head. "I don't want to yell. Actually, I wanted to apologize. For real, this time. They way I treated you at the basketball game," he begins, shaking his head, "It was awful. You didn't deserve it. I'm sorry."

I glance sideways at him, tentative about accepting this olive branch. "Um, apology accepted." I don't know what else to say.

He moves to sit on the barstool next to mine. "How'd we get here?" he asks, picking at the napkin his drink is sitting on. "I mean, things used to be so easy, and now look at us, can't even look at each other."

"I assume that's a rhetorical question," I sigh, reaching over to grab a Diet Coke. "But I know what you mean. I still can't figure out where I went wrong, where I messed things up so badly."

"Wouldn't that be saying yes when I asked you to marry me?" he comments, but his voice is surprisingly free of bitterness.

I shake my head. "I don't think so. In that moment, I meant it. I did, Jason, you should believe that if nothing else. That was a perfect moment, and I meant then that I wanted to marry you." I fiddle with the pull-tab of my pop can. "I don't know, it was sometime before or after that, I'm not sure, exactly. I can't pinpoint it."

"Maybe it was the second you agreed to go out with me that first time."

I look at him sadly, hurt he thinks that low of me, that low of himself. "It wasn't like that, Jason. It never was. I'm sorry things got to a point where you can reasonably think that is how it was." I sigh, continuing, "Maybe, though. Maybe I never should've agreed to go out with you in the first place. I don't know anymore."

"Its okay, Haley. Looking back on things now, I know I pushed you."

The thing is, he didn't. Things progressed at a normal pace between Jason and I, but it wasn't the relationship I wanted. That's why it didn't work. But I can't tell him that, of course.

I look over at him again. "I am sorry, you know."

"You've said so many times," he smiles.

I nod. "Yeah, but I mean it, and sometimes – well, always – I don't think you realize just how sincere I am in saying it."

"I know." He turns in his stool to face me full on. "I do know. It was tough to accept – who wants to accept an apology in something like this, right? But I know it, and truth be told, I've known all along."

"Thank you," I tell him sincerely. A part of me needed to hear this, to know he knew. And I'm really grateful he told me.

"You're welcome. I guess things can't always work out exactly how you wanted them to each and every time, huh?"

I lower my eyes, sighing. "No, they sure can't. You should also know that I did want things to work out for us, Jase. It hurt me, too, that they didn't. That they couldn't."

"I know," he sighs, "I know. It just – that doesn't make it easier, you know?" I nod, understanding. "I mean, even this talking is hard."

I can feel my face falling, so I duck my head to cover it. I don't want him to see it and feel bad for me, because he shouldn't. He really shouldn't. "I – I don't know what else to say," I admit.

"Yeah, there probably isn't anything else," he concedes, "But I just wanted to say that I was sorry for the game. I was a jerk, and you didn't deserve that."

"Thanks for that," I reply softly.

"Yeah, no problem. See ya."

I watch as he walks away, and the second he's out of the room, Brooke makes a beeline for me, parking herself on his empty. "What was that?" she gasps, "Was he giving you more trouble? Because if he was, I am ready to – "

"Tigger, chill. its fine, he apologized for the game."

"He apologized?" she blinks, like it's the most foreign concept in the world. Well, in all fairness, it kind of is.

"Yeah, he did. Weird, huh?" I laugh at the shocked expression on her face. "It wasn't a big deal. He didn't absolve me of all my guilt, obviously, but he was cool. Maybe things won't suck as much if I run into him now."

She leans forward planting her elbows on the bar. "Wow, can't lie, I'm pretty surprised. That's just too much."

"Yeah, he really did give me more than I deserve from him, you know? So this is good, a good thing."

She shrugs. "Yeah, well, after a year of being a complete dickhead to you, this is the least he could do."

"My brother had every right to be a dickhead to her after what she did," Marissa says from behind us, causing Brooke to knock over her drink. I sigh, turning around to face her. She has a triumphant smirk on her face, probably for having caught us by surprise.

"Look, squirt," Brooke says in her snottiest tone, "This is Tim's graduation party, and we're here for him, not to mingle or interact or even look at you. So back off, we weren't doing anything to you anyways."

Marissa narrows her eyes at us, planting her hands on her hips. I look at her sharply. "Just go, Marissa. This isn't the time or the place, and frankly, what has happened or what will happen at any point between Jason and I is not your business. It just isn't. You might not like that, and I might not even blame you, but it is the way it is."

She glares at me, taking a step closer. "You hurt my brother; of course it is my business! You're even dumber than I thought if you don't get that."

"I get that just fine, Marissa, but this isn't necessary anymore. Believe me, Jason has said his piece, and he doesn't need you to fight his battles. And I'm sorry I hurt all of you, especially Jason, but it wouldn't be better now if I'd gone through with it."

She steps back, her lips tightening in anger. "You're right, the only thing that would've been better if you'd never come into his life, if you'd never been born, for that matter."

Brooke gasps, outraged on my behalf. "Listen up, you little bitch – "

"Brooke!" I exclaim, standing up, "Tigger, come on. We're going outside. You can tell me about the plans you and Luke have for next week." She is still staring Marissa down, so I yank on her arm. "Come on."

Reluctantly, she follows. She's still fuming when we get out back, though. "Damn her, she has no right, Tutor Girl, no right. I swear, if she wasn't young, I'd kick her ass."

"No, you wouldn't," I comment mildly, "And anyways, what does it matter? Jason and I have made some semblance of peace, so honestly, what anyone else thinks doesn't matter as much to me now."

She looks surprised. "But it was always so important that they forgive you, too," she points out, referring to Gina, Lola, and Marissa.

I allow myself a small smile. "Well, Tigger, in the words of your boy Mick, you can't always get what you want."

"But sometimes, you just might get what you need," she finishes, grinning back at me. "So, do you have what you need?"

"I don't know. I mean, my life is a complete mess courtesy of myself, but Jason being willing to talk to me a little, being willing to talk about the debacle that occurred at the game, that was huge. Really good. I did need that."

We sit down on the grass. "Well, good," she smiles, "I'm glad. At least that's a start, right? Now you can go after what you really want!"

"Brooke," I start, a warning in my voice. There is no way in hell I want to get into what I really want, which is Nathan, here, around Jason and his family.

"Don't worry, I wasn't going to say anything. But you do need to face facts, and just go for it, finally. I mean, I have my Scott brother, you should get yours, too."

The door swings open, and much to my relief, it is just Tim coming out. "Hey," I say, smiling up at him, "Enjoying the big Tim party?"

He plops down beside us. "I enjoy anything that celebrates the greatness that is me."

"You're a fool, Timmy Boy," Brooke laughs, "But there's something about you that I can't help but love."

"Must be the fact that he can tie his own shoelaces," I remark dryly, nudging Brooke in the side.

"I was thinking it was that we finally have him trained to pee in the toilet, not on newspapers."

"Oh, and I'm glad he finally stopped chewing up all of my shoes," I grin, laughing.

"Thanks, like I really needed my best friends to compare me to a puppies and babies," he laughs, lying back on the grass. "So, how'd it go in there? Saw you talking to Jase," he says to me, and to Brooke, "I saw you trying to intimidate Riss."

"She was going after my little Tutor Best Friend; I had to jump in," Brooke defends, rolling her eyes him, "Besides for such a little brat, she sure gives as good as she gets."

"She's like six inches taller than you, Brookie," he laughs, "She could kick your ass. Only one in the family who could, but hey, we've got to go with what works."

I lie back next to Tim. "It doesn't matter, it's over, crisis averted."

"So, what are you two doing out here? Enjoying the sun or hiding from certain members of my family?" he asks.

"What do you think?" I ask, rolling my eyes heavenward, "Brooke was about to throw punches."

She laughs. "Oh, no, just a nice, smart slap across the face. That would've been enough in this case."

"What happened with Jason?" he asks more quietly.

"It was okay," I tell him, "He apologized for how he acted at the game. It was, well, pleasant, I guess."

"That's an improvement," he grins, "That's good, really good. I'd like to think that I had something to do with it." I stare at him. "You know, since it's my party, and you're being nice for my sake."

"Whatever, Smith," I laugh, "My niceness to him has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with me and him. I know, shocking, the world, not revolving around you yet."

We all quiet down and stare up at the clouds for awhile. It's peaceful and calm, and I feel better than I have in a long time. Coming to a sort of peace treaty with Jason is huge right off the bat, and being with Brooke and Tim like this is great. We might hang out all the time, but sometimes it's moments like this when I realize how much it means.

"So, I'm going to take the Durham job," Tim says, somewhat out of the blue. Brooke and I are both up on our elbows immediately to look at him. "What?" he asks, defensively.

"Well, that's a little surprising," Brooke points out, careful with her wording so as not to offend him, "I mean, just two days ago you were saying you didn't like them. What changed?"

He shrugs, "I don't know, it's just that I want to have something, I want to have that security you only get through having a job. And it's a good job, and who knows, maybe I'll really like it."

"Well," I say, clearing my throat, "Then I'm really happy for you, Smith, I know you'll be great at it." Truth is, he probably will. It's in marketing, which he did graduate with a focus in, and he's clever enough to be really great in that area if he tries.

"Thanks, I'm kind of excited. Nervous, too, I think, but really excited. I've never exactly had a real job before."

"You'll be great," Brooke promises, "And you'll be in Durham, so you can take your lunch breaks and hang out with me!"

Tim smiles at her, and then glances over at me. "What about you? Taking that job in Durham?" An ID firm has offered me a job, but I'm not sure if it's what I want right now. I have to think about it still.

"I don't know, I have until Friday to figure it out, though. We'll see."

"Do you have any idea if you will?" Brooke asks, raising her eyebrows at me.

I shake my head. "Nope, no clue. I don't know, I think it's too easy to procrastinate since I can always work at Karen's for some cash."

"Plus we get to live with Brooke for free," Tim points out, "Of course, we pay in other ways, and the price is very high."

"No teasing," Brooke commands, and then turns back to me, "So, really? You don't know? Tutor Girl, you better find something in this world to make your mind up about and go after. You know that, right?"

I nod. "I do, it's just that I'm not sure this is something to go after. When I went for my second interview and was talking to the guy who would be my boss, I got a weird vibe. It's hard to want to work with people who give you weird feelings. God, don't tell me I'm the only one who thinks that way!"

Brooke smiles softly. "You aren't. I'm just saying I think you should go after something."

"Subtle, Davis," Tim says, rolling his eyes at her, "I think she wants to know when you're going to fly up to Connecticut and jump all over Nathan."

"Thanks for the clarification, Tim," I say sarcastically, "And I think the answer to that would be 'when hell freezes over'."

"Liar," Brooke says softly, "Seriously, get over yourself. He's going to be here next week, you might as well do it. Go for it."

I can tell by the way Tim is nodding along that Brooke filled him in on our earlier conversation. When she found the time, I'll never know. Probably text messaged him or something.

"Look, now isn't the time for this conversation, okay? And besides, can we not talk about my pathetic excuse for a love life for a change? I know I'm typically the biggest idiot out of the three of us in those situations, but at least Brooke has a boyfriend. And Tim, you're well, you're…." I trail off.

"Sleeping around," Brooke contributes, smirking helpfully.

Tim pinches her arm. "Don't be jealous that you aren't one of the people getting Tim loving," he tells her, winking.

"Gross." He makes a face. "Sweetie, just because it's like incest," she clarifies, and he starts grinning.

"You two are such freaks," I comment idly, lying back again on the soft grass. The warm sun feels good on my face.

"James?" Tim asks, "Will you go get me a soda?"

I look over at him. "Only because it's your party!" I shake my head, and hop up, heading inside. I'm barely thinking of the people I can run into, and I make it to the bar and grab the soda before I even notice that Gina is standing there. I about jump out of my skin when I do.

"Hello, Haley," she says, calm, quiet. "How are you?"

I open and close my mouth a couple of times before I can find any words. "I'm fine, thank you. How are you?"

"Wonderful. Have you been avoiding me today?"

I'm not sure how to approach this question. "Not unless you want to yell. I promised Tim I'd do whatever it took to avoid confrontations today."

"Well, I don't want to fight with you or yell at you, so perhaps we could talk for a few minutes."

Truth be told, I'd rather not, but I can't say no. "Sure," I reply, hesitantly sitting down on one of the barstools.

"I know the girls are harsh towards you still, and from what Jason has told me, he's gone out of his way to make you feel awful. I'm not apologizing for them, because as a mother, in some ways, it doesn't feel wrong. Seeing Jason after you left him at the altar – God, the altar, it's like a soap opera – it broke my heart. Because you had broken his. So I have a hard time condemning them for being angry with you still."

I look down at my hands, gathering my thoughts before I look back up at her. "I'm not asking that they stop, but I have stopped caring as much. And Jason and I talked earlier, and I'm hopeful that if nothing else, we've made a sort of peace. Having that, well, nothing else seems quite as important."

She nods, rubbing a hand wearily across her forehead. "I hope you find the peace you need to make you happy. And this probably doesn't matter much to you anymore, but if I were you, I'd need to hear it: I don't hate you. I think what you did was rotten, but people make mistakes."

"Thank you," I say quietly, tears filling my eyes, "I never expected you would be able to, you know. Figured you'd hate me the longest."

"I wanted to," she says, brutally honest, "But how could I? When Jason started getting over it, there was no point in holding onto my anger. Besides, in the end, I think you lost a whole lot more than he did."

She could be referring to anything, but I'm guessing that specifically she means her family. I had close bonds with all of them, and I don't have anything now except hatred from them. That is a hard thing to lose.

"Maybe," I sigh, "But I know I deserve it. I wish I could go back, you know? Do things differently, realize what I had to do sooner. But I didn't, and I have to live with it forever."

She nods. "Well, I think you should get back out to your friends."

I nod back at her, standing up. "Yeah, I guess so. Oh, Gina, thank you for cashing that last check I sent you. I know you said you didn't want it back, but I couldn't not repay you."

She nods, and I wander out into the backyard, surprised to see Jason with Tim and Brooke. It doesn't look like Brooke is going to hit anyone anytime soon, so I just stand and watch, wondering if things are finally moving forward.

One can only hope.

Karen and Keith have just moved into a new house, and are throwing this huge combination party that will be part housewarming and part graduation for me and Luke and part draft party for Nathan and Luke. I guess that's why she's having the party on a Tuesday. I tried to talk Karen out of including me, but she insisted, so here I am, helping to set up like I insisted when I finally agreed.

She's bought some of those silly streamers to hang, so I'm carrying around little Eric who isn't so little anymore and trying to put them up. He's 'helping' me out.

"Hawes, let me down!" he cries, bouncing around.

I set him down, ruffling his hair. He looks like a cross between Luke and Nathan, which is kind of uncanny. "There ya go, baby, all down."

I kneel down beside him, giving him a high five. Luke taught him that last time he was here. "Play with me!" he orders, grabbing my hand and tugging. Unable to refuse this child anything, I collapse to the ground beside him, reaching out to tickle him. "Airplane!"

I groan, wishing he'd want to play something that didn't give me a full body workout, but I don't hesitate in rolling over on my back so that he can jump on my shins. I grab his hands, and start 'flying' him.

"Yay!" he cheers, laughing as I start to make airplane noses for him. "Yay, Hawes!" I laugh at his use of Luke's nickname for me. I laugh, too, always loving the time I spend with him. "Higher, higher!" he yells, and so I lift my legs as high as I can without him falling off.

"Are you ready to land yet?" I ask, hopefully. This is a draining game to play with a three year old.

"No way, Jose!" he screams. I sigh, and keep moving my legs around with him attached.

"Hey!" comes a voice from the doorway. In relief, I lower Eric to the ground so he can go greet his big brother.

"Thank God, Luke," I sigh, letting my arms drop over my head, "He was trying to wear me out."

"Looks like he did a good job of it," he says, tossing Eric into the air. Eric squeals, begging for more the whole time.

"Tell me about it," I laugh. I roll over onto my stomach, and prop myself up on my elbows. "So, how excited are you for tonight?"

He shrugs, looking more overwhelmed than excited. "I don't know, I might not get picked, so it might be a moot point."

"Do you not want to get picked or something?" I ask, genuinely wanting to know the answer to that question. The way he's acting lately, I'm thinking he doesn't.

"I don't know, I guess there is a part of me that wants to play in the NBA just to say I could, or did, but another part of me wants to move home. Eric's here, you're here, and Brooke, she's here."

I smile at him. "Yeah, but you know what? That's the great thing about loved ones, no matter where you go, and even no matter where we go, we're still always there in the ways that count."

He looks at me through cynical eyes. "When did you get all mushy gushy, Hales?"

I laugh. "That's not mushy gushy, that's just stating the facts. Got a problem with that, Scott?"

"Nah, just surprised you'd pull that line out after everything. Anyways, where's my girlfriend?"

I frown at him, admittedly hurt that he hasn't even given me a hug and all he wants is to see Brooke. "She'll be here later," I inform him, standing up and brushing my jeans off. "I'm going to go see if Karen needs anymore help."

"What's wrong?" he asks.

I just shake my head. "No, it's nothing, I'm being a brat. If you want to help, you could hang those streamers," I say hopefully, pointing to where they still sit from when Eric wanted his airplane ride.

"Hales," he begins, "Did I piss you off? And don't lie, please, because we both know I know better than that."

"Look, Luke, it just sucks that you come in here, toss Eric in the air a couple of times, have half a conversation with me, and then want to leave to find Brooke. You didn't even give me a hug, and I haven't seen you since February. I don't expect to be number one in your life, but a hug would be nice."

He looks suitably chagrined as he sets Eric down and moves closer to me. "I'm sorry, Hales, I don't know what I was thinking," he says as he pulls me into his arms, "I've missed you a lot."

"I've missed you, too. Now, you hang those streamers, and I'll go help your mom. And if I see Brooke, I'll tell her where you are," I wink.

"Thanks buddy," he grins. He moves to pick Eric up, but he shakes his head and runs over to me. "Hey, thanks Er, I'm only your brother."

"Hawes is my sister," he explains to Luke, who looks at me in surprise. I'm sure his expression is mirrored on my face. "Mommy says so."

Tears form in my eyes, and I reach down to scoop him up. "Well, I love you, baby brother," I tell him, hugging him tight.

He crinkles his nose at me, and Luke and I both laugh. Luke steps over and hugs the both of us. "This is good," Luke smiles, "This is why I want to come home. To help Eric tease and pick on our 'sister'."

"Stop," I tell him, pleading for mercy, "You're going to make me cry."

"No cry, Hawes," Eric says, putting his sticky hands on my face in a concerned gesture. Well, a three year olds version of concerned, I guess.

I give him my brightest smile to show I won't cry. "I'll try not to, okay, sweetie?" He smiles, showing off his tiny teeth. I turn to Luke, saying, "He makes me want one of my own."

Luke shudders. "That must be a woman thing, because all he makes me want is my old Tonka trucks and GI Joes."

"Boys," I say in exasperation. "Okay, I'm going to find Karen. You coming with me or staying with Luke?" I ask Eric, grinning triumphantly at Luke when he wraps his arms tight around me. "At least someone loves me best," I tease, laughing at the look on his face.

He grumbles something under his breath, but I ignore him and walk out of the room with Eric to find Karen.

"Shoulders!" Eric demands, and I groan, knowing I can't say no to this kid. I also know my neck will probably hurt for a week after carting him around up there.

"Eric, you're too big!" He shakes his head at me, and I cave, lifting him above my head and placing him on my shoulders. "Oof, you're heavy," I groan.

I carry him around for a few minutes, jumping around to entertain him. "You know, you're going to hurt yourself."

My entire being tenses at the sound of his voice, and my body becomes hypersensitive to his presence. But I manage to turn around calmly.

"Nathan. I didn't know you'd be here."

"Yeah," he drawls out slowly, "its funny how that works. Oh, except the part where it isn't, considering you haven't returned any of my attempts at correspondence the last three months."

He says it without heat, but even in the mildness the rebuke is obvious. I shrug as best I can with Eric on my shoulders. "Well, we've all been busy, right?"

He snorts, not buying that particular line of bullshit. "Right, busy. You've been too busy to take five minutes to respond to an email? Or pick up your phone once in awhile."

"Yeah, final projects and all that," I tell him, which isn't a lie, exactly. Of course, five minutes is obviously not too much to ask.

"Uh huh," he nods, reaching over my head to take Eric from me. My entire body reacts to his nearness, tingling and becoming flushed. "Want to try something that actually works?"

"I don't know what you're talking about," I lie, stepping away from him. It's too hard to be so near him right now, with my body reacting like this and all.

"You were never a great liar, Haley J, and you are fooling yourself if you think you've blossomed into one overnight."

I look away, warming under the intensity of his stare. "Why would I lie?" He raises his eyebrows at me as he tucks Eric under his arms. Eric is barely aware that neither Nathan nor I are focused on him as he waves his arms around and kicks his legs. "I have nothing to gain by lying about this, right?"

"Fine," he concedes, "Maybe not lying, but you're being all evasive and stuff. What's up? Since when were we back to ignoring each other? I could've used you a few times in the last few months, things have been intense between school, and Dad and Lucas, and trying to keep in shape for the draft."

"Well, I'm sorry I wasn't more available," I mumble, feeling terrible now. He might not love me, but he does think of me as a friend, and it was shitty to treat him like he was nothing to me.

"How come everyone's always saying that to me? I don't even know what that goddamn word means any more," he says acerbically. "What about you, big guy, don't you hate that word?"

Eric looks at him and giggles, unconcerned by the fact that Nathan is a virtual stranger to him. "Airplane!"

"Yeah, airplane," Nathan smiles at him, chuckling softly. He sets him down, and turns back to me. "How come things with us can't be that simple?"

"Because we aren't three?" I suggest, "Or maybe because I'm not your older brother's youngest brother?"

He laughs, I think genuinely. I hope it's genuine, at least. "Yeah, who would imagine that it'd be more complicated than that even?"

He grabs my arm and drags me over to the sofa. "Sit," he orders, and for some reason, I do. "Can you tell me the truth now?"

I look at him for a second before looking away. He grasps my chin between his fingers and tilts it back towards him. "Nathan, I don't know what to say."

"The truth is always a great place to start," he grins, leaning back against the cushions, looking so good I could eat him up with a spoon.

This insane need to protect myself from him falls over me, so I do the only thing I can, the only thing I know that will without a doubt get him to drop this – I pick a fight.

"Look, Nathan, you have your dramas, and as much as I'd love to be your situation sorter outer, I can't do that all the time." My voice comes out even more harshly than I intended, and we both wince at the sound of it.

He draws back, almost as if I slugged him. "What the hell?" he bites out, "I never asked you to be my personal counselor, I never asked you to take on my burdens. Hell, I know better than that, I know that you don't want that from me."

"Look, every time you called, it was 'Dan this, Lucas that, poor me', and I couldn't take it. You – you were just putting me in the middle, and that isn't where I want to be."

He looks at me in disgust. "You said you understood, you said you cared. So that was all a lie, huh? Nice, Haley, the one time you manage to pull out a good lie, and it's when I needed the truth the most. Thanks, you make me feel really good."

I can't stand this anymore; so I do what I do best – run. I run out of the room, ignoring Nathan and even Eric as they call out my name. I run to Eric's room, because I know no one will be in there, and slam the door shut behind me. If I could get out of tonight, I'd leave right now. There is no way I want to go through the agony of sitting there with Nathan hating me all night.

But I brought it on myself, like I always do. Always. When will I learn? It would've been just as easy to give him some half-baked cop out answer, but instead I pull out the big lies and do it well for once.

I sit down against the wall facing the door so I can see if anyone comes in. If they're going to find me in here sobbing like a wreck, they may as well see it head on. I feel like a fraud, and even though it would be the easiest thing in the world to walk down there and tell him the truth, I sit here and let myself be a liar. A liar, one of the things I despise most in this world.

I am what I despise. It would almost be funny if it weren't so blatantly pathetic. I've become what I despise, and I've been fully cognizant throughout this whole downward spiral to this point.

I wipe my eyes, though – I have to put on a good face. I'm sick of being the depressed, mopey one that everyone is worried about. Tonight is not a night to put my loved ones through that, so I put fresh makeup on after I dry the tears. I stay up here for awhile, until I realize that everyone is probably here.

I head back downstairs, and find everyone gathered around the television. Tim grins at me gratefully when I walk in, looking like he feels slightly awkward, so I move over to sit by him. I have to brush past Nathan to do so, and he doesn't move out of my way, so my chest ends up brushing against his, and it is all I can do not to throw my arms around his neck and beg him to take me.

"Hey, where you been?" Tim asks. "Brooke and I were looking for you a bit ago."

"Oh, I've been around," I smile, hoping it looks real. He looks at me oddly for a second, but then smiles as I sit down.

"Yeah, well, glad you're here. How's the job hunting going?"

Earlier today I had a couple of interviews in Durham, but none of them struck my fancy. I'm beginning to think that interior design was the wrong major for someone living around here, but we'll see.

I shrug. "The interviews were fine, I guess, but I don't know if they're what I'm looking for. Of course, if opportunity knocks and one of them offer me a job, I might have to take it."

"Do what you gotta do," he advises.

"Yeah, I'll try," I sigh, thinking about Nathan.

Nathan, of course, is watching me like a hawk. I feel worse than he could ever know, because the last thing in the world that I want is for him to think I don't care, but unfortunately, that was the best way I could come up with to get him to drop why I can't talk to him. If I told him the truth, it would probably forever ruin whatever tenuous bond we still have. Of course, I'm doing a good enough job anyways.

"Hawes cried," Eric says sadly as Keith carries him in. All eyes shift to me in surprise. "She sad," he tells his dad.

"What – are you okay?" Karen asks, concerned. Tim lays a hand on my shoulder.

"You guys," I say, going for cheerful, "Of course, I'm fine!"

"They were yelling," Eric continues, and I curse myself for reading all those books to him. "Hawes and him," he says, pointing at Nathan. At this point I want to bury my head in my hands. Or better yet, the ground to open up and swallow me whole.

Instead, I jump up and take Eric from Keith. "Hey, its okay, kiddo, we're both fine. No one is sad."

"Except me," Nathan mumbles, under his breath. There is a good chance that Keith, Eric, and I were the only ones who heard.

I keep my gaze averted from him. "Really, everything's fine." Keith looks at me for a second, but realizes this is all I have to say, and moves away.

"Well," Dan says, clearing his throat, "The draft is about to start. Should we turn the TV on?"

"Yeah, Dad," Nathan says sarcastically, rolling his eyes, "The draft is the most important thing in the world right now."

"I wasn't insinuating that it was," Dan says, defending himself. Things are disintegrating rapidly. I sit back down by Tim, who looks utterly enraptured by the dynamics going on in this room. I forgot it is his first introduction to the blended Scott family.

"Well, we are here to watch the draft," Keith jumps in, looking confused by everything. "So, let's get to it."

"Great," Nathan mutters, folding his arms across his chest, "Just another chance to showcase the rivalry between me and Luke. Fanfuckingtastic."

"Nathan!" Deb exclaims, "Watch yourself."

"What's your problem?" Brooke exclaims, and Luke grabs her arm, "Why do you always have to reduce your bullshit attitude problems into something that has to do with Luke, Nathan? God, you're an ass."

"Shut up, Brooke," Nathan sighs, "This has nothing to do with you."

"Yes, it does, because your problems always have to do with two of the people I care about most in this world, Luke or Haley! And I'm sick of you taking your shit out on them!"

"Knock it off!" I yell, causing everyone to jump and look at me. "Knock it off, this fighting isn't solving anything, and it isn't even worth it."

"Yeah, you would think so," Nathan spits out bitterly, "Nothing is ever worth fighting for in your world."

Luke jumps in. "Stop! Okay, this is supposed to be a great day, so why are you two working on wreaking it? Now, sit down, and shut up. We're all going to watch the draft together, and then afterwards, I'm going to proceed with my surprise." He looks around at all of us. "Got it?"

Nathan and I nod. "Got it," we mumble in unison. Tim looks like he wants to get popcorn so he can truly enjoy this show.

The first few rounds of the draft proceed, and unsurprisingly, neither Nathan nor Luke's names are called. Things remain tense in the room, and I feel awful for causing it. What a night for me to ruin, huh?

When Nathan's name is finally called announcing that he's been drafted by Seattle, it is almost anti-climactic. He's in such a foul mood, that no one is really sure how to react.

Deb finally breaks the silence. "So, Seattle. That's far away." Nathan nods, looking dazed. I wonder if the reality of this is even close to hitting him yet – he's made his dream come true. "Congratulations, honey."

"Yeah, congratulations," everyone else begins chiming in. Luke gives him an awkward high-five/handshake/hug thing, and Dan gives him an even more awkward looking hug.

Everyone settles back down, and Nathan leaves the room to talk to his agent. He comes back in just in time to see Lucas's name called, announcing that he's been taken by Houston. Lucas grins widely, and pulls Brooke into a huge hug, kissing her neck. They're so happy with each other that it is painful for me to watch, and I look away. Tim notices, and puts a hand on my shoulder.

More congratulations are offered up, and the tensions drain out of the room some. Luke jumps up on the couch, and Karen scolds him to get off the furniture, but he waves her off.

"Okay, you all are the people who I'm closest to in this world, and you mean the most, so it is only fitting that you're here for this." He smiles at all of us as we look up at him wonderingly. "Obviously, I've been lucky in my life, and I've been gifted this great opportunity to play basketball for my profession. But it isn't what I want." Karen and Keith look at each other in surprise, and a smile spreads across Brooke's face. "I want to be here, in Tree Hill, year round. I want to be with Brooke, and I want to get to know Dan better. I want Eric to always know who his brother is. I want Hales to have her best friend around full time. I want Mom and Keith to be able to watch my children grow up. So I won't be taking what I've been offered."

No one says anything, but Brooke springs forward to hug and kiss him. When she pulls back, Dan moves forward. "I'm proud of you, Son." He whispers something else, and they're both visibly choked up when they pull apart.

"Thanks, Dad." I wipe a tear away, proud that Luke was finally able to say that to him. I notice that Nathan looks uncomfortable, and it hurts to know that he's going to be alone tonight. I know how it hurt him last time Dan and Luke had a similar conversation, and I doubt this time will be any better.

Pushing that thought out of my head for the minute, I go to give Luke my hug, too. "I'm glad you'll be around, and anything that makes you happy makes me happy."

"Thanks, Hales. Sorry I yelled earlier."

"I deserved it," I sigh, "But let's not worry about that now. Congratulations."

Karen and Keith engulf him in hugs next, and things kind of calm down. Nathan is the only one who doesn't move to congratulate him. I try and fade into the background, but Tim comes back over to sit by me after he congratulates Luke and Brooke.

"What's going on?" he asks quietly.

I shake my head. "Not now. I can't do this now."

He nods his understanding, and he doesn't say anything when I get up to follow Nathan after he takes off. I catch up with him about a block down the street – him on foot, me in my car.

"Get in," I order, my tone of voice leaving no room for argument. Of course, he does anyways.

"Why the hell would I?" he asks, sounding derisive and angry. Most of that anger is probably directed at me.

"Because I'm the only person who knows what's going on with you, and you're going to need someone there."

"That someone isn't really you, though, is it?" he asks, smirking at me.

"Yeah, Nathan, you know what? I got it, loud and clear in March, that you don't need me at all. But right now, I'm all you've got, so you're stuck with me."

"What are you talking about? Made it clear in March?"

I roll my eyes at his puzzled act. It pisses me off that he can pretend not to know what I mean. "Damn it, don't do this. We both know that you made it beyond clear that you don't need me for anything, so there's no point playing any games now."

He gets in the car. "Haley, I never said that, I don't know what you're talking about."

"Nathan, let's not do that right now. I don't want to talk about it." He looks at me like I'm insane. "Look, let's talk about what happened with Luke. Are you mad at him? Because he's doing what's best for him, and it has nothing to do with you, okay?"

He shakes his head. "You know why it's hard – Dan is so proud of Luke, no matter what. But here I am, doing what he has always wanted for me, and he doesn't care. Doesn't care! There was no emotion, no choked up hug, no pride, nothing."

"That's not true, Nate," I argue, "But you were in such a mood – which is probably my fault – that it was hard for anyone to say anything. No one knew how to approach you about it, I could see it on their faces."

He shakes his head. "It doesn't matter. What's done is done, and things can't go back. Hell, I wouldn't want them to; they've always been messed up." I hang my head a little at his words; they're just another painful reminder of him not wanting me anymore. "I just can't make this shit go away."

"Then deal with it," I tell him, turning advice given to me by others back on him. "Just go talk to Dan and go talk to Luke, and get this stuff on the table. You'll never be happy until you do."

I pull into the Rivercourt parking lot, and turn off the car. He looks over at me. "When are you going to take your own advice?"

"Nathan," I begin, but he interrupts me.

"No, let me finish. I don't know what happened to you, and I don't know what I did to upset you so much, but this sucks. I deserve to know what I did to piss you off to the point where you would act like you did earlier today."

I nod, knowing he's right. "I'm sorry, by the way." He nods. "I wasn't trying to hurt you, and I didn't mean it." I don't want to tell him everything about how I feel, but I know now that I can't let him think he doesn't matter to me. "It's just hard, and I'm not dealing with it well."

"Dealing with what?" he asks quietly.

"Everything, I guess."

"What'd I do in March?" he asks, "Obviously, that's when you stopped talking to me, and then today you said March yourself. What'd I do?"

I shake my head. "It wasn't anything, really. I guess I don't always know how to be 'just friends' with you."

I surprise both of us with my honesty. He looks over at me and manages a wry smile. "How do you think I've felt all these years now?"

"You dealt with it better than I did," I tell him, matter of factly.

He shakes his head. "Not really. You must have selective memory or something. Look, Haley, I don't know what you want from me."

I shrug, knowing that I have no right to want anything from him. "I want you to be happy. That's really all I want for you."

"I wasn't asking what you want for me, I was asking what you want from me in terms of us. I need you to tell me since I'm too dense to get it without help."

I lean forward, resting my arms on the steering wheel. "There's nothing I can ask you for now, Nathan," I say as resolutely as I can muster.

"Can't or won't?" he asks point blank.

"Fine, won't," I admit, caving. I know he'll push now, but I won't give in all the way. I won't tell him what I really want; that he's all I want or need.

"Haley, I wish you'd tell me." I nod, knowing this. "You're not going to tell me, though, are you?" The question is rhetorical, so I don't answer it. "Fine, okay. I won't push you, to, not now."

"But sometime you will?"

"Maybe," he laughs, "I'm curious now." He looks at the empty court. "I'm going to let you get back to the party. I know you'll want to join in the 'Lucas Scott the hero is moving back to Tree Hill' celebration."

"I don't want to leave you if you're upset. Especially if you're still upset with me."

"I'm fine, Haley, you should go. I'll be fine here by myself."

"Are you still pissed at me?" I press, concerned. "And even if you're not, I can stay. They don't need me there, especially after what I started earlier," I sigh.

"It's not your fault I blew up," he sighs, "And I'm not mad at you, I guess. I just wish you'd tell me everything because I know we haven't scratched the surface."

"Maybe we can't talk about everything anymore," I suggest, cringing at the possibility.

He looks sideways at me. "We could a few months ago, so unless you're ready to tell me what has changed, then I don't believe that."

I shrug. "Maybe I don't have the words to say it all."

"Maybe you just don't want to," he guesses, not incorrectly. He sighs again, looking at me with something akin to regret in his eyes. "Thanks for trying. I think you're the only one who notices."

I lay my hand on his arm, trying my best not to squeeze his bicep. "They notice, they all do. They just don't know what's wrong, and they therefore don't know how to deal with it."

He nods. "Yeah, well, it'd be nice to know one of them cared and at least wanted to find out what was wrong. They don't even ask, Haley."

I let my hand trace soothing circles on his arm, and he leans closer to me. "They don't know how, Nathan. It doesn't mean they love you any less."

We're leaning so close together now that I can feel his breath on my cheek. "How come you always know?" he asks, his fingers caressing my cheek, "Does that mean you love me most of all?"

"Nathan," I sigh, letting my eyes drift shut, leaning towards him, my fingers tightening on his arm. He pulls me to him, and our mouths meet, tentative at first, but quickly turning aggressive. We kiss hotly, wetly, for a minute until he pulls away from me, his face contorting into a weird mix of horror and that shock you get when you did something but quickly realize you shouldn't have.

"God, I'm sorry," he whispers in a shocked voice, opening the door and getting out of the car. It hurts to see that he can't get away from me fast enough. He jogs across the basketball court, and then, to my surprise, keeps going. He really doesn't want to be anywhere near me.

Great. He doesn't look back once, but I'm not sure if it would've meant something if he had. I get out of the car, and walk to the center of the court and sit down. It seems like a lifetime ago that Nathan and I sat here after the first time he saw the bond between Luke and Dan. It wasn't though, not even a year.

But so much has changed, and as usual, I hate change. The only kind of change I can imagine liking now is the kind that fixes everything back to how they used to be. How they were when I had Nathan.

But that won't happen. It can't happen. He doesn't want it to happen, and I can't make it so it does. And that leaves me here, sitting in the light rain at a basketball court filled with history, all by myself. I sit down with tears streaming down my cheeks, and hug my knees to my chest, my thoughts still focused on him.

I'm so wrapped up in my own thoughts that I don't even know he's back until I see his shoes out of the corner of my eye. "You're lucky I know you always wear your Jordan's," I tell him, "You startled me."

"Sorry," he mumbles, not looking at me.

"Look, Nathan, I know you didn't mean it," I sigh, giving him the out as I hastily brush the tears away. I hate seeing him this uncomfortable.

"That's the thing, Haley J, I did mean it." Aside from a sharp intake of breath, I don't react outwardly. "I know I'm not supposed to, but I can't help it – I meant it. I wanted that kiss, I want you, and I don't think I ever stopped."

I stare at him blankly for a minute until I can finish processing his words, and then I launch myself at him. I throw my arms around him and hold him tight, and for a minute, that's how we sit – my arms wrapped around him with me half in his lap, but finally he snaps out of wherever he was, and wraps his arms around my waist.

He leans back slowly until he's flat on his back, and I'm lying on top of him fully, kissing along his jaw. The rain is starting to fall harder on us, but we are mostly oblivious. His hands are running up my back and under my shirt before sliding down over my butt. It is incredible and surreal to have his hands on me again, and it takes my breath away.

"It's always the rain, isn't it?" he mumbles when he briefly tears his lips away from mine.

I missed this. I missed him. And now, here we are again.

Wordlessly, we make our way back to my car, and he drives us out to his parent's beach house. We spend the night in each other's arms, and the conversation is minimal. There are other ways of communicating, and we take advantage of those options tonight. In some ways, it feels like the first time, but so much better, so much more magical.

In the morning, we are still fairly silent. We exchange a few smiles, though, and that lends me a slight sense of encouragement. I'm not sure what any of this means, or even if this was anything more than physical for him, but I'm trying not to worry about it yet.

"Haley J?" he asks softly, snapping me out of my reverie. I look up at him with a smile. "We – I – um, I hope you don't hate me for pressuring you into that."

I'm surprised, and I hope it shows on my face. "What are you talking about? If I'd felt pressured, I probably wouldn't have stuck around for a third, fourth, fifth go-round, right?"

He shrugs. "Guess not. Still, I just wanted you to know that it doesn't have to be anything, okay? I mean, I'm not trying to push you into a relationship."

I nod, understanding what he's saying. "Yeah, I get it, no relationship."

"Haley, I – " he begins.

"No, it's fine. Look, I'd better go, Brooke and Tim are probably worried about me. Well, at least Tim probably is, Brooke might not be home yet." He nods. "Need a lift?"

"No, thank you," he sighs, looking away. "I might invite my dad and Luke out here for lunch." I walk over and squeeze his hand.

"You should do that. It'll be good, I'm sure of it."

He smiles. "Yeah, sure."

"Um, thanks, for you know." He smiles again, a little brighter, a little more genuinely. Or perhaps I'm wishing that hard enough that I'm seeing it now. "I mean," I blush, "It was, well, good."

He laughs. "Yeah, it was good." He leans down and kisses me on the cheek, which feels so small compared to everything that happened last night.

"I'll, um, see you later."

He nods, and I lean up to hug him. "I'll be in Seattle at the end of the week for the introductory press conference stuff." I nod. "I don't know how long I'll be there. They'll probably have some rookie camps this summer."

"Oh. Sounds like you'll be really busy then." I internally shudder at the thought of him finding some Seattle hoochie to hook up with.

"Yeah, I guess so," he smiles, and I think it's settling in that he's been drafted to play in the NBA.

"I'm proud of you," I tell him, "And I'm really happy for you. I know a lot of this was Dan's dream, but it was yours, too, and it was all your hard work that's paid off. Congratulations."

"Thanks, Haley J, that means more than I can tell you, coming from you."

He walks me out to my car, and we don't say goodbye. Instead, we kiss one more time, a long, lingering kiss that steals my breath and makes my pulse race. He looks pleased with himself when he pulls away, and I can tell he recognizes the affect he has on me, and he likes it.

The only thing about this that frustrates me is that I don't know where we stand, and I don't know if I'm brave enough to ask him. I want to know, more than anything, but I'm still so damn afraid of his answer that I can't ask. And so I'm stuck in the dark, flailing around.


	17. Golden Slumbers

**Chapter Seventeen – _Golden Slumber_**__

'Once there was a way,  
To get back homeward,  
Once there was a way to get back home;  
Sleep pretty darling, do not cry,  
And I will sing you a lullaby' – The Beatles

July 4, 2010

"So then he just says, 'We should get married'!" Brooke exclaims, holding out her hand. I think I'm shock, and I don't know what to say as she and Luke stare at me, eagerly awaiting my response. I know I'm the first person they've told, and I want my response to be what they need.

"You – you guys, I – wow! Congratulations!" I throw an arm around each of them. I pull away, fixing a smile on my face. A part of me still doesn't think this will work out, but they've proved me wrong so far, and I'm not going to try and dictate to them how they should live their lives.

"Isn't this great?" Brooke enthuses, her voice getting shrill with excitement, "I can't believe this!"

Luke just stands here smiling like he's the happiest guy in the world. And if he is, then I'm just as happy for him. "We're really happy, Hales," he smiles, finally jumping in.

"I can tell," I smile back. "Oh, my gosh, we get to plan a wedding!" I squeal, grabbing Brooke's hands and jumping up and down with her.

"I know!" she laughs, "And it's mine!"

"Wow, when are you going to tell everyone?" I ask, still smiling. It's easy to get caught up in the excitement of an engagement – I know that first hand. I just hope things turn out better for Luke and Brooke than they did for me. Well, they couldn't turn out much worse, of course.

"Tonight!" Luke beams, "Everyone will be in town, so it's perfect! Deb and Dad got back from their vacation yesterday, so they'll be there."

"And Nathan will be here, too," I remind him, and a dark look crosses his face. There is so much consternation between the two of them right now that it is ridiculous.

"Not that he'd be happy for me, anyways," Luke mutters.

"Luke, you know he would," I argue, "The other stuff, that's just basketball. It has nothing to do with how much he loves you as a brother and a friend. Give him a break, it's hard for him sometimes."

"Why are we doing this again?" Brooke wonders. Luke and I have had this argument several times since the night of the draft. Luke and Nathan haven't spoke to each other since, and Nathan hasn't spoken to Dan, either.

"Because, no matter what asshole things he does, Haley will always defend Nathan," Luke informs her, glaring at me superciliously.

I roll my eyes at him and take a step closer. "That's bullshit and you know it, Luke," I retort, poking him in the chest, "And if you paid attention to things, maybe you'd notice that there is a lot more going on in this situation than Nathan being an asshole."

He throws his hands up in the air. "You've been saying that the last two weeks, Hales! You've got to give me more to work with than just that, okay? Because from where I'm standing, he's just being a jerk for no apparent reason."

"Think about it, Luke. You have everything he's ever wanted. You have Dan's love and respect, you have the ability to walk away from basketball, and he feels like he has none of that."

"He doesn't want to walk away from basketball, Hales." He doesn't even acknowledge what I said about him having what Nathan always wanted from Dan.

"Did you hear what I said?" I ask him, getting pissed him. I feel bad – this is supposed to be a happy occasion, but I can't stop myself from defending Nathan, especially in this situation.

"Yeah, I heard, and it's bullshit," he spits out bitterly, "Nathan has had Dan his whole life, and I just got him a few years ago. You can't tell me that I'm getting something he never had when he's had it four times as long as I did."

"Did he?" I ask, challenging him, while Brooke stands there looking like she'd rather be anywhere else right now, "Did he really, Luke? Is that why he had himself emancipated when he was sixteen? Because he had such a great relationship with Dan, who treated him so great? I don't think so, and if you try and tell me you do, then you're a liar. How many times did you tell me that even though he might have been the one Dan 'chose', he was worse off than you?"

Luke sighs, and I think my words have sunk in. "He's jealous? Really?"

I shrug. "Look, I promised him a long time ago I wouldn't say anything, and he's probably not going to be happy with me now, but I hate seeing him so left out, and I hate that you are both hurting by this rift."

Brooke turns and walks out of the room, giving us space to talk about it. Luke looks at me with his broody look, and I almost feel bad about laying into him so hard on this. I know Nathan still hasn't mustered whatever it is he needs to talk to Dan and Luke about this, so maybe it is coming more out of left field for Luke than I'm giving him credit for.

"How long?" he asks quietly, and I know what he means immediately.

"Last year, that barbeque Labor Day weekend. I think he snapped when Dan talked about how proud he was of you for knowing basketball wasn't everything. Dan never said anything like that to him."

"He never said it because he thought it wasn't true," Luke sighs. "Dan – God, we all think that Nathan wants basketball. That he doesn't want anything as much as he wants basketball. If Dan said that to Nathan, it would be a slap in the face, you know?"

I nod, because I do understand both sides of things. "The thing is, Dan never said it when Nathan needed to hear it. He never heard it when he was under all that pressure, and now, he sees Dan giving you what you need from him, and I think it hurts. I know it isn't your fault, and it isn't even Dan's fault, really."

Luke sits down hard on the chair behind him. "I wish I'd paid more attention to how Nathan was feeling with everything. It's just that, things have been so good with Dan and I, and then I had to worry how Keith and Mom felt about it, and I never considered Nathan."

I push him over so I can share the chair with him. "Its okay, Luke. He knows. God, he even understands, but he's still not doing a great job dealing with it. I think the worst part is that he wants to be happy for you, but he's so frustrated with how things are for him that he can't be, and then he feels guilty."

He puts his arm around me. "Thanks for telling me, I know you didn't want to." I nod. "But I needed to know, and I guess its obvious Nate wasn't going to tell me himself, huh?"

"He wanted to, or so he told me. He was going to invite you and Dan over the morning after the draft."

He looks over at me sharply. "Why didn't he?"

I shrug. "I don't know, when I left that morning, that was what he was planning, so he didn't need a ride back to town."

I can see understanding dawn, and I mentally kick myself for giving so much away. What happened between Nathan and me that night was something I'd have liked to keep between just us.

"You were with him that night?" he asks, "Were you with him all night, Hales? What happened?"

I shake my head and stand up, moving away from him. "That isn't germane to this conversation," I tell him, trying to brush off his questions. Of course, I know it won't work. He's a Scott, and when they think they're on to something, they don't give up.

"Don't give me that crap," he mutters, rolling his eyes, "What happened, Haley James? Tell me now, or I'll get Brooke in here to torture it out of you. Hey, she doesn't know already, does she?"

He pouts that last part, and I laugh at the look on his face. "No, come on, we're going outside then."

I walk briskly out to the backyard, and he diligently follows me. We each sit on one of the swings of Eric's playset. "What happened?" he asks again.

"I followed him, found him a block away, and drove him to River Court. He kissed me after we talked for awhile," I relate, seeing the surprise on his face, "And then he apologized and ran off."

"Wow," Luke breathes.

"That's not all," I laugh, "After he ran off, I got out of the car and sat in the middle of the court. That's where we went after the Labor Day fiasco, and it was a good talk we had, and I just wanted to sit there again, feel that. But he came back. And he told me he meant it, he meant the kiss."

"And that was it?" he asks, confused. I shake my head. "God, no details," he reminds me, grimacing.

"No details," I laugh, promising him, "But after that, we went to the beach house, and stayed there for the night."

"Are you guys together now?"

I shake my head. "We haven't even talked about it yet, so I don't know what, if anything, we are."

"You haven't talked to him since then?" he asks, confused, "What the hell is that?"

"No, no, we've talked, just not about what happened. It's too much right now, I think. I mean, look at how his life is changing. He'll be living in Seattle for a good portion of the year, and I'll be here in Tree Hill."

He shrugs. "So what? That's no reason for him to avoid talking about it."

I shake my head at him. "It isn't him who's avoiding, it's me. I am the one who isn't ready to talk about it yet."

"Why not?"

"God, I don't know. There is so much to say to each other, and over the phone isn't how I want to do it. That, and I'm mostly just scared."

"Of what?"

"Come on, Luke! Scared that he won't want me, that he doesn't feel anything more than a sexual attraction, that he can't forgive me for everything, that he doesn't love – God, there are a million and one reasons why I'm scared!"

"You're going to talk to him, right?" he asks, concerned.

"Yeah, there's no way he'll let me not talk to him about it. God, he's tried already, but let me put it off until we're face to face. We'll see what happens."

"At least you'll finally be putting it all out there. What are you going to say?"

I shake my head at him. "I think I owe it to him to wait and talk to him first, okay? Do things right for once."

He looks a little hurt, but he nods. "Sure, I got it." He looks over at me. "So, you surprised I asked Brooke to marry me?"

I laugh, leaning back a little on the swing. "Yeah, floored, actually. I mean, I knew you were moving back here for her, but I figured you'd give it a little more time before you jumped into a wedding."

He laughs, too. "Yeah, you aren't the only one. I didn't plan on this, but I was buying something for Mom at the jewelry store, and I saw the ring, and I got it. I can't believe it. I'll be in debt for a long time now, but it'll be worth it. You should've seen how happy she was about it. The look on her face."

"I saw, Luke, she was really happy. You guys are good for each other."

He grins. "Yeah, we are. We really are."

I'm so happy for him, for her, for them. But I'm jealous, too. I want what they have, which is funny since I have doubts still as to how well they'll work out. But I want that magical, carefree feeling you get when you're so in love with someone that you act rashly and wildly like Luke did when he bought the ring, like Nathan and I did when we got married all those years ago.

"Everyone is going to be thrilled for you – oh, your mom is going to be over the moon!" I laugh, picturing Karen's reaction, "Are you really going to tell her in front of everyone else?"

He shrugs, "We were going to, but I know what you're saying. I should tell her first, away from anyone else. Maybe I'll tell her alone, and ask her not to let Brooke know she knows."

I smile at him. "Karen might appreciate that."

"Yeah, she probably will." He looks over at me. "Think Nathan will behave tonight? I mean, I'm not going to have time to hash things out with him before the party starts, and so I don't want him flying off the handle. Brooke is really sensitive to everyone's reactions to our news, you know."

I nod, knowing that Brooke would be. She's far more vulnerable than she projects, and I'm glad Luke sees that. "He'll be fine. I can run interference, if you'd like," I suggest, quite possibly more to further my own agenda than anything else, but I know it could be helpful, too.

He smirks at me, and I know he knows. "Yeah, you do that, Hales. Tell yourself it's to help me out if you have to. Why don't you just tell him how you feel?"

I duck my head down, staring at the dirt underneath the swing. "Easier said than done, Luke."

He rolls his eyes at me, still smirking. "You're full of crap, Hales. Just do it for a change, quit making him do all the work in your relationship, lay something on the line."

"Have you and Brooke been going over notes together or something?" I ask, peevish.

"Yeah, Tim, too."

"Tim, too?" I gasp, suddenly irate, "How dare you guys do that? Wait, you and Tim can hang out now?"

He laughs at my topic jump. "Yeah, we're cool. He's not quite the dumbass I always assumed, so we are getting along okay. Brooke really wanted it, you know?" I nod dumbly. "And we dare because we care. Hey, I rhyme!" he grins.

"Yeah, good one, Poe," I say sarcastically, my anger returning. I must be PMSing or something, because this rapid-fire emotion change can be explained no other way. "And just because you 'care', it doesn't give you the right to talk about me behind my back. That's not fair, Luke."

"Maybe not, but it isn't really fair that you want something so bad, but can't go after it. That's lame, too."

I groan, "Oh, my God, you and Brooke are like twins. Damn it. Okay, look, I already am planning on trying to tell him."

"Planning on trying? Wow, that sounds pretty much like a copout plan, if you ask me."

"Guess it's a good thing I haven't asked you, then, wouldn't you say? Besides, why does it sound like a copout? I'm going to try, and what more can I do, right?"

"How about instead of trying, you actually do it?" he suggests, brilliantly. He looks at me smugly, and he knows he has me here.

"Whatever, I'll do my best. But if he starts looking uncomfortable and like he doesn't want to hear anything, I'm not going to say it all," I tell him, my lip quivering.

"Hey, Hales, it'll be okay. I mean, I don't know how it'll work out, but even if it isn't how you want it, things will be okay."

I nod half-heartedly, not believing it. My life is so wrapped up in Nathan, around Nathan, that no matter what happens over the next few days, we'll always have a connection. If things go badly, I'll have to see him still, and be constantly reminded of everything else. Maybe that's why I'm so hesitant – things are tentatively decent right now, and it would really hurt me if that were to change for the worse. Of course, it isn't like decent is so great or anything.

"Well, I can't do it tonight because this is a happy occasion," I grin, kind of relieved that I'll have at least tonight to feel things out with Nathan before attempting to jump in, both feet first.

"Chicken," he laughs, reaching over from his swing to shove me.

"Shut up!" I exclaim, pushing off him with my foot, sending us both flying. We used to do this when we were little, but until Luke starts making chicken noises, I was going to let it go. "Oh, you're going down, Scott!"

I push off him harder, sending him flying into the side of the swing set. He comes flying back at me, and grabs onto the rope of my swing, taking me with him. He gives it a good tug and sends me whipping around in circles, laughing my head off.

"I think we're going to break the swing set!" he laughs, not really sounding worried.

"Ow! Luke!" I complain as I smash into the side of the swing set, "That hurts! How did we not break bones when we did this when we were little?"

"Got you!" he laughs, "That's a point for me!"

The swing set is really starting to creak and groan now, so I jump off and away from it. "Luke, I think you were right about the breaking it thing," I tell him worriedly, not liking that he's swinging higher and higher.

"You're paranoid!" he laughs, pumping his legs even harder. And then it happens: the swing set collapses, sending Luke crashing to the ground, where he lands awkwardly on his arm.

"Shit," he curses as I run to him, "I think it's broken."

"Crap, Luke, roll over," I order him, "Let me look at it!"

"I can't, there's a piece of swing set underneath me. I'll just get up on my knees." He tries to do so, but wavers, and then leans forward, puking. God, it really must be broken.

"Okay, here, let me help you." I manage to get him out of the wreckage of the swing set, and lay him back on the softer grass. His arm is clearly broken; it looks like the bone is just a fraction of an inch away from poking through his skin.

Trying not to gag too, I stand up. "I'm going to go call 911." He nods. "I'll be right back, okay?"

I sprint into the house, again thankful for my morning runs with Tim. "Brooke!" I scream, "Where the hell are you?"

She doesn't answer, and so I find the phone and report our emergency. I take the phone with me, and run back out to Luke. "I yelled for Brooke, but she didn't hear me, I guess. I'd look for her, but you shouldn't be out here alone," I tell him tearfully.

"Hales, I'm okay," he smiles up at me. "I'm not dying or anything. They'll put it in a cast and I'll be good as new in a few weeks. Hey, look at it this way, at least I didn't sign with Houston, so they can't sue me for breach of contract for playing on a swing set."

I can't believe he's making jokes when his arm is so grotesquely broken, but at the same time, it is so essentially Lucas. I breathe out a sigh of relief when I hear the sirens of the aid car blaring down the street.

"Ambulance is almost here."

"Yeah, I hear it," he says, and then he smiles. He fucking smiles. At a time like this.

"Luke, you amaze me. I can't believe you're smiling when your arm is like – like – like that," I finish with a wave of my hand.

"Like what?" he asks, glancing down. "Holy shit, it's gonna poke out of my skin, Hales!" he screams, "Oh, my God, it hurts!" He tries to sit up, but I keep him down. "Look at it!"

Shit. Way to go, slick. "Luke, stop, just lay back and don't look at it! You're turning all white again," I tell him worriedly, "Are you going to puke again?"

He just stares at his arm. Thankfully, two EMTs burst through the fence gate, Brooke running behind them looking scared. I jump up to calm Brooke down as the EMTs go to work on Luke.

"What the hell happened?" she cries, "Oh, my God, Luke, I'm here. Brookie is here, it's all going to be okay."

He manages a wan smile at her. "I know, it'll be okay. Just a little break. A disgusting, horrifying, little break." With that, he passes out.

Brooke grips my arm tightly. "What the hell were you two doing?" she bursts out, surveying poor Eric's mangled swing set.

I blush, I know I am. I feel so stupid, and we were acting so childishly. "We were, uhm, we were playing on the swings. This game we used to play, where we'd kick and shove each other into the side supports. Guess we weighed less then," I sigh.

"So you were on there too? How'd you escape serious injury?"

I shake my head. "I had jumped off because it was creaking and Luke said he thought it was going to collapse, but he didn't jump off. Started swinging harder!"

"Unbelievable!" She shakes her head, pacing the yard, always keeping one eye on Luke. "That is completely unbelievable! You two thought it would be some fantastic idea to put your adult asses on a swing set made for a three year old, and then kick each other around. Great."

"I know!" I cry, "I know!" Tears are sliding down my face as the load Luke onto the backboard for the ambulance ride.

"We're ready to take him now, ma'am," one of the EMTs says to me. I nod. "Are either of you related? You could ride along."

"I'm his fiancé!" Brooke exclaims, flashing her ring again. "I want to ride with him; in fact, I demand it."

The poor guy looks helplessly at me. "Uh, yeah, okay, let's go then. We need to get him to the hospital and get that arm set. He'll probably also need x-rays of his back taken, since it looks like he took quite the spill."

"Maybe we should cancel the thing tonight," I tell Brooke.

She shakes her head, "No, Lucas won't want it cancelled. Let's just stick with the plans, okay?"

I nod, sighing. "Okay, I'll head over and get things ready.

Brooke glares at me, and follows the EMTs and Lucas out to the ambulance. I sit down heavily on the grass, the events of the last twenty minutes washing over me as I start to cry in earnest.

"Haley?" I look up to see Keith standing in the doorway, holding Eric in his arms. "Oh, my God, are you okay?"

I nod, choking out between sobs, "I'm fine, but Lucas broke his arms, and they took him to the hospital with Brooke, and it's my fault because I didn't make him stop swinging, and his arm was so gross and broken and he threw up." I finally stop when I can't talk and cry anymore.

He sets Eric down and runs over to me. "Hey, hey, slow down." He puts his hands on my shoulder. "Now, take a few deep breaths, and start over, okay?"

I nod, complying. "Luke and I were playing on the swings, and then it started creaking, so I jumped off, but he didn't. And then it broke," I sob, waving my hand towards the mess, which he can obviously see. "And his arm is broken, and the EMT said they'd have to do back x-rays to make sure he isn't hurt worse, and it's all my fault."

"No, no, Haley, it's not your fault, honey." He pulls me into a hug, and I sob against his chest. "He's going to be okay, it's Luke, and he's tough."

Eric starts crying, and Keith pulls away from me to pick him up. Seeing the scared look on Eric's face inspires me to pull myself together a bit. I wipe my eyes and breathe deeply until the sobs subside. When I'm a little calmer, Eric reaches his little arms out, and I take him.

"I'm going to go to the café and pick up Karen," Keith says to me quietly, "Will you watch Eric?"

"Of course, go. I know she'll be pissed if you don't," I smile, squeezing Eric gently, breathing in his baby scent.

"Thanks, Haley. And believe me, he'll be okay. You didn't do anything wrong." I nod, knowing he's right. It was just a stupid, freak accident that was caused because Lucas and I are boneheads sometimes.

He runs off, and Eric and I follow him into the house since I can't stand the sight of that swing set right now. I'm just glad the tonight's festivities are being held at Brooke's house. She insisted that we throw the get together for a change, and Tim and I agreed thinking it would be fun.

I need to get back there, in fact, to get everything set up. I call Keith's cell and let him know that I'm grabbing Eric's car seat and taking him over with me. He tells me its fine, and that he and Karen will call once they hear something.

When I get back to the house, Tim is immediately concerned when he sees my tearstained cheeks. "What's going on, Haley?"

"Lucas broke his arm," I explain, setting Eric down and retrieving the bucket of toys I keep here for him. He smiles happily when I hand him his favorite book. "We were goofing around, and the swing set collapsed on him."

"Damn," he whistles, "He okay other than that?"

I nod. "Yeah, they're taking more x-rays to be sure, but it seems to be."

"Well, better safe than sorry, huh?" I nod mutely, holding Eric on my lap. "Hey, it's okay, Haley, why are you so stressed about this?"

I shake my head. "It just happened so fast. It was awful, the wood breaking and the sound of him hitting the ground."

"He'll be okay," he promises. He glances at his watch. "Crap, babe, I gotta run to the store if I'm going to get all this stuff done that is on this list Brooke gave me."

I nod, understanding. "She gave me one, too."

"You going to be okay here? I can do your list if you need me to," he offers sweetly. "I don't mind."

"I'll be okay," I promise, "I've got Eric here to keep my head on straight. If he's nice, I'll even let him help me in the kitchen." Tim laughs, and gives me a hug before taking off. "It's just you and me, kid," I tell Eric.

He looks up at me and smiles. "Hi Hawes, we party tonight."

I smile back at him. "I know, baby, we are going to have a party tonight. It'll be fun, too. And we'll set off pretty fireworks for you."

"Cake?" he asks. It's the one thing he always associates with parties, cake.

I laugh, nodding. "Yeah, I made a special cake just for you." He claps his hands together. "Come on, let's go in the kitchen, and I'll give you a piece now."

"Yay, tank you, Hawes!" he grins. I laugh and scoop him up in my arms, taking him to the kitchen. As we pass the front door, someone knocks on it, startling me to the point where I almost drop Eric, who luckily just laughs and begs for more.

I laugh, setting him down. "Go into the kitchen, kiddo. I'll be there in a minute." He runs off, and I brush my hands over my cheeks, hoping there isn't too much makeup on them. I open the door, surprised to see Nathan standing there with a big bouquet of flowers. "Nathan, I – ah, you're early."

He nods, peeking around the flowers. "Yeah, I just didn't want to go over to my parent's yet, so I figured I could help you out with whatever."

"Oh, well, come on in," I say, feeling like an awkward mess. He steps inside, and I move to hug him. I hadn't planned on it, but I do, despite the fact he has those flowers in his arms.

I pull away, smiling tremulously at him. "Hey, what's wrong?" he asks when he sees my face, "What happened?"

He sets the flowers down and moves closer, laying a hand on my cheek. Eric chooses this moment to come running back out looking for me. "Hawes, I want my cake!" He glances at Nathan, who is still cupping my cheek. "Hi."

Nathan laughs, pulling his hand away. "Hey yourself, Eric." He leans down and picks him up. "You get cake, huh? Think you can score me a piece?"

Eric grins, probably understanding, smart little guy that he is. "Be nice to Hawes. I kiss her."

Nathan laughs again, raising his eyebrows at me. He seems so relaxed that I can't help but wonder what's up. I guess that's terrible, to always expect something moodier from him, but that's kind of how Nathan is, always intense about everything.

"Come on, you can both have cake," I promise, leading them into the kitchen. I hear Nathan whisper something to Eric, and the smack of hands as they high five each other. He settles Eric at the table and I slice small pieces of cake for each of them, setting it on the table in front of them. "There ya go, from the world renowned bakery of Haley!"

"Tank you, Hawes."

"You're welcome, baby." I turn to Nathan who is smiling fondly at Eric. "Could you watch him while I go clean up a little? I need to wash my face."

"Yeah, of course. Hey, you gonna tell me what had you crying?" he asks, catching my hand in his as I turn to leave.

"Oh, God. Yeah, no, Luke broke his arm, and I freaked out." He raises an eyebrow at me. "We were swinging, on Eric's set, and it broke apart. It was just freaky. Keith said he'd call as soon as he knew for sure it was just his arm, but they don't think it's anything else."

He grips my hand tighter. "Haley, you could've been killed! You both could've! My God, are you okay? Were you hurt?"

I shake my head, overwhelmed by his concern. "No, I had jumped off because it was creaking, but Luke stayed on. I'm okay, just shaken up."

"Thank God you're okay," he breathes out, "And Luke will be okay? Do we need to go to the you know where to check on him?"

"No, Brooke rode with him in the ambulance, and Keith was going to go get Karen and take her there. I'm watching Eric, obviously."

He brushes his thumb over my knuckles. "Well, thank God Lucas only broke his arm. Sounds like it could've been worse."

"You should see the swing set," I tell him, trying to make a joke, but the waver in my words preclude that from happen. "It's a really big mess."

He nods, understanding. "Hey, you go freshen up, I got this one for you." He ruffles Eric's hair, who is so engrossed in eating his piece of cake that he barely even looks up.

"Thanks Nathan," I whisper, turning and walking upstairs to clean myself up. A glance in the mirror outside my door tells me I look awful. God, I think I even have some of Luke's vomit splattered on my jeans.

I strip down, grabbing a towel and wrapping it around myself. Standing at the top of the stairs, I yell down to Nathan that I'll be in the shower for a few minutes, and then turn the water as hot as I can stand it and jump in. It feels so good, and I actually manage to relax some.

When I get out, I pull out new clothes and put them, and then apply some light makeup. Deciding this will be fine for now – I'm sure Brooke has grand plans for how we're all supposed to look tonight – I head back downstairs. I hear Eric and Nathan playing in the living room, so I head there to see them. I stop in the doorway and watch as Nathan gives Eric a piggy back ride around the room.

"You two look like you're having fun," I smile, dropping to the floor. Eric slides of off Nathan's back and runs over to me, climbing in my lap.

"You smell life fowers," Eric comments, scrunching his nose up, "Yucky ones, too."

Nathan and I laugh at his childish mispronunciation. "Yeah, well, someday you'll appreciate girls smelling like flowers," Nathan tells him, winking at me. He's so relaxed right now it amazes me. I guess something in Seattle is doing him a world of good. I just hope it isn't a someone. "Feel better?" he asks me.

"Yeah, a lot. Thanks for watching him. Want to keep the duty while I finish off the chores on my Brooke list?"

"Your Brooke list?" he questions.

"Yeah," I laugh, "She decided to host this thing, but she gave Tim and I lists with chores on them to do. Go figure, right?"

"Nice," he comments, "There probably aren't a lot of people who can get away with stuff like that."

"Yeah, Brooke is one in a million," I agree. "So," I ask again, smiling a little, "Would you mind?"

"Of course not. We can play more piggy back. Who knew a three year old would be one of the most fun people I know?"

I laugh, pretending to think. "Hmm, maybe you just relate well to him," I joke, giggling at his wounded expression.

"That hurts," he pouts, "He's obviously way above my level."

I laugh with him, and stand up, setting Eric back on his back again. "You two have fun. I'll be out back filling coolers."

"Oooh, have fun."

I nod, noticing the flowers. "Oh, I'm sure I will. Hey, you might want to find something in the kitchen to put your flowers in before they wilt." I walk off.

Obviously, I'm dying to know who they're for, but I'm not self-centered enough to assume they're for me, but I am bratty enough to wish they were. I do my chores, and by the time I'm done, I hear Tim come barreling into the house.

"James, get out here," he yells, and I wonder if he's seen Nathan or something. He knew he was coming, but I'm sure neither would appreciate being alone together.

I jog into the kitchen, relieved that Nathan and Eric aren't in here. "What? Why are you yelling for me?"

"Brooke made me get her fucking tampons, James. Tampons. I had to go into the 'feminine hygiene' section of the grocery store. Do you have any idea how emasculating that is?"

"Um, since I've never been masculated, I guess I wouldn't know," I joke, choking back a laugh, picturing Tim perusing the different brands of tampons. "Oh, Smith, I'm sorry, it's just kinda funny."

"No, it isn't kinda funny. It isn't funny at all. God, she hates me, she must hate me. There's no other explanation for it. You don't do that to someone you love and respect."

"I'm sorry she had you do that," I tell him, stifling another laugh, "I'm sure the trauma was overwhelming."

"I'm never living with two women again," he grumbles, "It's bad enough that I have to deal with the PMS and hormones on a monthly basis, but sending me to pick up tampons, that is just above and beyond."

"I know, baby, and I'll tell her she owes you big time," I promise, still laughing.

"I can't believe you're laughing. That is just terrible. After all I suffered today, you could at least be sympathetic."

"I am, really. I just needed to laugh after seeing Luke there on the ground, that swing set all broken around him. So, thank you."

"Aw, you're welcome." He pulls me into a hug. "You finished your list?" I nod. "Good, me too. I think I'll go get ready."

"Hey, Tim?" He glances back at me. "Just so you know, Nathan is already here playing with Eric." He looks surprised, but just shrugs and walks out of the kitchen.

I find Eric and Nathan in the backyard this time playing with a basketball. Nathan lets Eric run around him with the ball, and I can't resist teasing him.

"Mr. NBA Star, getting schooled by a three year old!" I tease, feigning shock, "Oh, if only the media could see."

"Ha ha ha," he grins back, correcting Eric's hold on the ball, "There ya go!"

They're so cute together that I can't help but grin. "Hawey pway!" Eric demands, and Nathan cracks up.

"Now, see, Eric," Nathan grins, lifting him up in his arms, basketball and all, "The first thing you need to know about Haley here is that she can't play basketball. She's very bad at it. Very bad."

I poke him in the arm. "Sure, pick on the non-athletic one! Just because I suck at sports doesn't mean I'm crappy at everything, thank you very much. I excel in other areas."

His grin widens as he replies huskily, "Yeah, I know you do, Haley J." Is he flirting with me? Am I flirting with him? Oh, God, I don't even know anymore. And then he does it: he winks.

I just nod at him, a small smile crossing my face. "Don't listen to him, Eric, I can bounce that ball." I take it from and proceed to do so, grinning.

"Tsk, tsk," Nathan laughs, "It's called dribbling, not bouncing. And you're doing it wrong, anyways." He sighs all dramatically and rolls his eyes at Eric, who laughs at him.

"Okay, hotshot, I get it, I'm bad at basketball." He nods, and Eric, who is watching him, begins nodding, too. "You're supposed to be on my side!" I tell Eric, tickling his belly.

I left the door open, and I can hear the front door opening, and Brooke shouting for me. "Tutor Girl?" she barks, "Where the hell are you?"

Nathan looks at me with a mock terrified look, pretending to shudder. "I'll stay out here with Eric where it's safe," he decides, probably not unwisely.

"Can I stay, too?" I ask, even as I move toward the door. He helpfully waves goodbye, and again, Eric is mimicking his actions. "I'm coming, Tigger," I call back to her before she can tear out here.

"Why didn't you come to the hospital?" she rages as she rounds the corner, "I needed you there! God, it was awful, the noise his arm made when they set it. I cried, and then I threw up."

Her cheeks are streaked with tears, and her hair looks like a bird's nest, but I figure it would be a very bad thing to tell her that. "Hey, it's okay. How's Luke?" I ask, worried.

She sits down in one of the dining room chairs. "Oh, Luke? Luke is great, he's fantastic. Would you believe that little bastard had the audacity to flirt – flirt! – with the nurses, right in front of me?"

I look away, shrugging. "Well, Tigger, it's Luke. I mean, he's kind of a flirt, that's his thing or something."

She glares, rounding on me. "You cannot be saying this! Maybe he was a flirt before, but he's my fiancé now! He's not allowed to flirt!"

"Okay, okay," I tell her, holding my hands up, "Peace. Geez, calm down, Tigger. He was probably just trying to distract himself from the pain. Now, where is he?"

"They dropped me off here, and Karen and Keith are taking him back there to change. They wanted him to stay home tonight, but he insisted. And since it's when we're announcing things, I figured I wouldn't make him stay home."

I reach out and give her a hug, and she starts crying on my shoulder. I know how she feels, so I don't say anything, just letting her cry it all out. "It's okay," I promise her, "He's fine, right?" She nods. "So, just let it all out, it's okay."

"God, when I saw him lying there on the ground, it freaked me out, Haley, I was so scared."

"Shh, shh," I whisper soothingly, "I know you were. I was, too, honey. But he's okay now, I'm sure they gave him lots of good drugs, and he's probably barely in any pain."

"It reminded me of when he was in that car accident," she sniffles, "And he was so pale and still."

"I know, baby, it was awful," I tell her, holding her tighter, "It was really, really awful. But hey, like you said, he's okay. And he's so okay, he still wants to announce your engagement tonight. So that's good, right? Don't you think that's a good sign?"

"I know it is, I know he's fine, but still."

"Okay, look, Tigger, why don't you go upstairs and take a shower and get cleaned up. I'll stay down here and finish off the things on your list."

"I don't have a list," she sighs, and I hold my tongue, suppressing my irritation at her giving Tim and I lists but not having one herself. I shouldn't be surprised, though, it is typical Brooke. And although we didn't know beforehand, it is kind of an engagement party for her and Lucas, so I guess that's something, too.

"Okay, go upstairs. When you're ready, it'll be time for people to be showing up, so that's good, right?"

She nods, pulling away from me. "Okay, a hot shower does sound nice. Hopefully you and Tim didn't use up all the hot water."

"I'm sure there's plenty left for you. Oh, and Nathan is here already being entertained by Eric." She nods, still dazed and not really interested.

"Guess I can't talk loudly about how crazy in love with him you are right now, huh? I'll save that for later," she teases, and I know she's feeling better.

I roll my eyes at her, giving her a shove. "Get out of here." She goes, and I pick up and put away the coat and purse she's left lying on the floor of the foyer. I turn around, and almost let out a scream when I come face to face with Nathan, who is holding a sleeping Eric. "Don't sneak up on me!" I whisper loudly, "You almost gave me a heart attack!"

He grins widely at me, nodding down at Eric, whose head is planted on Nathan's shoulder. "Sorry," he whispers, "But I don't think my arms is the best place for this guy to sleep. Got something better?"

I nod, motioning to the stairs. We take him up, and I lead them into my bedroom, closing the door behind us. He gently sets Eric down on the bed after I pull the covers back, and I lean down and kiss his forehead. Nathan places the covers back on top of him since it's chilly in this house due to Tim's insistence that the A/C runs twenty-four seven.

Nathan leans down and gives him a kiss, too, and then stands up, glancing around the room. Belatedly I realize that I have some relics of the us that was Nathan and me laying around, pinned to the wall and taped to the closet door, and I blush, feeling a little bit like a pathetic hanger-on.

He smiles, though, and it puts me at ease. There are some newer pictures on my desk and dresser, mainly of Tim, Brooke, and I at various Duke parties, but there are also a bunch with Karen, Keith, Luke, and Eric. He singles out one of Eric and me, and picks it up, examining it.

"You two look so cute together," he whispers, smiling at me. He sets it back and resumes examining the other pictures. "It looks like you have a lot of fun in your life. That's good, Haley."

"Yeah, we try. And I'm lucky I have such fun friends. Without them, I'd probably be at the library right now, all by myself."

He puts his hand on my shoulder as he moves to stand by my side. "You don't give yourself enough credit, you know that?"

I blush, looking away. "Well, this must be boring, so we can head back downstairs," I suggest.

He shakes his head, his hand still on me. "It's not boring. I like finding more out about the 'new you'," he comments, looking at a picture of me at the beach with Brooke. "I mean, you've changed a lot, and in some ways, we don't even know each other anymore."

I look at him, hurt by that comment. He's probably right; it has been a long time since we spent more than a few hours together, so there are bound to be things we don't know about each other. At the same time, though it does hurt to realize that. It kind of makes everything so much harder.

"You really think we've changed so much?" I ask haltingly.

He glances over at me, setting the picture down. "Not so much that I don't know you, but you've had a lot of experiences that I don't know about. And I've had ones you don't know about. I mean, if we looked at your high school pictures, there wouldn't be nearly as many pictures that involve alcohol, right?" I nod. "See, that kind of change. You're still fundamentally you, though. That doesn't change."

I nod, seeing what he means now. "I guess that makes a little bit of sense," I smile, "All that psychobabble is coming in handy, huh, Scott?"

"Hey, it's not like I have my masters or anything," he argues, "Just a Bachelors degree. I'm not all that in the world of sports psychology or anything."

"Of course not," I agree, "You're still too busy being all that in the world of NBA superstars, right?"

He blushes. "There's no way I'll ever be a superstar, but if I can last a couple of years and make a few million dollars, you won't hear me complaining."

"You've got it all figured out, huh?" I ask, smiling at him. I am happy for him; all his dreams have come true. It just sucks that Seattle is the city that gets to make all his dreams come true. Aside from Vancouver, he couldn't get any further away from Tree Hill.

"Nah, I don't think I have anything figured out. I'm just making it up as I go along, doing the best I can. It's weird, and I know I've always wanted this, but it has come so fast. One day I was at UConn playing for the NCAA title game, and the next I'm being drafted by Seattle."

"Did it rain the whole time you were there?" I ask, my first question about his time in Seattle.

He shakes his head. "It didn't, and if you can believe this crap, I was actually disappointed. I felt like I was let down or something. If a city promises rain year round, it should at least deliver, don't you think?"

I laugh. This is the Nathan that I loved – always making asinine observations about silly things like rain in Seattle. "I'll give them a call before you go back, see if I can work my weather magic or something."

He smiles. "Thanks. Anyways, it was nice there. Nicer than I expected. It's so…clean and fresh almost, but it's still not the same as here."

"You miss here?" I ask, honestly surprised. He's been gone so long that I just figured he'd see Tree Hill as a memory, an illusion of home that never quite lived up to your memory.

"Yeah, I mean – yeah. I miss my parents sometimes, and I miss, you know, Luke and stuff. I, ah, I miss you."

Swallowing around the lump in my throat, I glance back at Eric before looking up at Nathan. "I miss you, too."

"I know," he grins cockily, winking at me. I smack him on the arm, and drag him out of the room.

"You're a brat!" I exclaim when I can speak louder. "I can't believe you said that."

"Sure you can," he counters, "I know I've changed – I'm way hotter, for example – but I haven't changed so much that you wouldn't expect me to downplay my greatness."

I groan, elbowing him. "You're unbelievable, Nathan Scott."

He grins widely. "I'll take that as a compliment, thank you very much." We walk downstairs together and find Brooke, Karen, and Keith hovering over Lucas, trying to force him to lay down on the couch.

"I'm fine, Mom!" Luke grumbles, "God, can't a guy get a little bit of breathing room?" He looks up to see me and Nathan. "Hey, there you are, swing buddy, little brother."

Everyone else turns to see us. "Eric is asleep in my room," I tell Karen and Keith before turning to Lucas, "And you! I could strangle you for not jumping off that damn swing set when I told you to!"

His arm is in a cast up past his elbow, and his eyes are glazed over a little, probably from the drugs, but he's smiling and clearly in a good mood. Also probably because of the drugs.

"Hey, it was totally worth it to kick your ass at Swing Blaster again!" he grins, laughing his doped up head off.

Everyone else in the room looks at us like we're crazy.

"Swing Blaster?" Brooke repeats, rolling the phrase around on her tongue, trying to make sense of it.

Nathan snorts. "No wonder you two didn't have other friends until you started hanging with the coolness that is Nathan Scott."

Karen sighs, wringing her hands. "Is that what game you two were playing at the park all the time? It's a miracle my entire head of hair isn't completely gray from you two," she sighs.

"Hey, you guys, it's a fun game!" Luke defends, "And I'm now the reigning champion of it, too! And there will be no rematch, so I guess I'm champ for life."

I roll my eyes at him. "Slow down, Rocky, you also win the dumbass award for not jumping off sooner."

"And the Good Job, Slick, You Ruined Your Little Brother's Swing Set award," Keith chimes in, shaking his head.

"Haley shares that one with me!" Luke retorts, sticking his tongue out at me.

"Okay, kids," Karen cuts in before I can retort, placing most of her emphasis on the word 'kids', "Let's calm down. Now, Luke, you say you want to be out back with everyone for the food and fireworks?" He nods, glaring at me. "Okay, let's get you situated on a lounge chair. Brooke grab him a pillow, would you? And Haley, go get Eric, he'll be up all night if he doesn't wake up now."

She does so, and they make their way out onto the patio in the backyard. "You okay?" Nathan asks.

I nod. "He was kidding, mostly. I think."

"I know, and it's fine. I guess it was a little traumatic to see him lying in the middle of that wrecked swing set, you know?"

He squeezes my shoulder. "He's okay, Haley." I nod. "Hey, it's okay, don't cry, everything is okay."

I laugh through the tears. "Everything is never okay, Nathan," I sob, turning away from him. I need a minute to collect myself here.

He puts his arms around me from behind, resting his chin on the top of my head. "Tell me what's wrong," he orders, knowing intuitively this isn't only about Luke. I shake my head, not ready yet. "Come on, Haley J, you'll feel better when you do." I nod, knowing this, too, but still not ready.

"Not yet, Nathan, let's talk about this later." If I tell him everything, I want it to be at a time when we don't have a family gathering immediately after that we are both expected and/or required to be at.

"Okay, later," he says, his voice holding the promise that we will in fact talk about this later, and that I won't even try to avoid it. "Come on, let's go get Eric and bring him down here."

We walk up the stairs together, and to my pleasant surprise, find an already awake Eric sitting on my bed using some of my eyeliners as markers and drawing on a magazine.

"What are you doing up?" I ask him, holding out my arms. He eagerly jumps into them. "Looks like you were having fun!"

"I made picture," he smiles proudly, and I can't even be irritated with him ruining the expensive eyeliner pencils he used.

"I see that!"

"How come he gets away with using those?" Nathan wonders, "When I was in my apartment, and I wrote you that message with one, I thought you were going to string me up by my ba – uh, yeah, string me up."

I laugh, kissing Eric's forehead. "Well, what can I say, this kid has me wrapped around his little finger!"

"Lucky brat," he laughs with me, guiding us out the door. Eric has regained a little of his shyness around Nathan, so he quietly watches him from my arms. "Come on, buddy, let's go see big brother."

Eric nods, saying, "Okay," around the fingers in his mouth.

We head out to the backyard, and I set Eric down who runs to Karen and clings to her legs. "Hey baby," she smiles, picking him up, "Give your brother a hug."

Eric looks at Luke's arm. "Owie?"

Luke laughs, nodding. "Yeah, owie. But I'm okay. Come here, big guy." Eric climbs on his lap, and Karen hovers around, making sure he doesn't jostle Luke's arm.

The doorbell rings, and Tim yells from inside the house that he'll get it, so we all just continue to stand around chatting. Dan and Deb come out through the doors with Tim a few minutes later, and Deb's face lights up when she sees Nathan. Dan looks a little more hesitant to approach him, though.

"Nathan, sweetie, how are you?" Deb asks, hurrying over to hug him. "I missed you. You should call your parents more often," she gently scolds him.

Dan ambles over to stand in front of him. "Son, good to see you," he says gruffly, smiling almost shyly.

"It's good to see you both as well," he says, shaking Dan's hand. I can tell by the way he's posturing himself that he's feeling uncomfortable around Dan right now. Figuring this isn't my business, I go over to talk to Keith.

"Hey, you feeling better, honey?" he asks.

I smile. "Yeah, I'm sorry I freaked out on you earlier. That was just too overwhelming or something."

"It was pretty gross," he agrees, laughing. "But you're okay now, right? You aren't still blaming yourself."

I shake my head, one eye on Nathan still. It looks like he's beginning to relax. "No, I know it was just a freak accident."

He gives me a hug. "Okay, good, I'm glad. Lucas was worried you'd put the blame on yourself, and he didn't want it. He yelled at Brooke for yelling at you."

"He heard that?" I laugh.

"He did," he confirms, "And he was worried about you."

"Well, he shouldn't have been. He should've been worried about himself. But that's Luke for you, I guess," I sigh with a shrug.

"It is. And it's you to have been so worried about him, so in a weird way, it was just everything being right in the world."

I shake my head at him to let him know I think he's crazy. "Well, at least all's well that end's well. That's something."

"It's a lot of things, and they're all good," he grins. "What's going on with you and Nathan?" he asks in a fatherly tone of voice.

I blink, surprised. "Um, nothing?"

"Uh huh, nothing? You really think I'm going to buy that one, Haley James?" he asks, grinning at me. "Come on, it's me, Keith, you know you can tell me. I won't tell a soul, I promise."

I nod. "I know you wouldn't. It's just hard to tell you anything when I'm still not sure myself," I tell him, rueful.

He half-smiles at me. "You know, you and Nathan remind me of Karen and I in some ways. Well, obviously, the parallels aren't overly clear, but the way you two dance around each other now is similar."

I raise an eyebrow at him. "Now, is this is a good thing or a bad thing?" I laugh.

"Depends on what you do with it," he grins, kissing me on the forehead before walking over to rejoin Karen.

"Depends on what you do with it," I repeat quietly to myself. A tap on my shoulder has me whirling around to see Tim.

"Do with what?" he asks, looking confused. "Do I need to call the nuthouse?"

I smack him lightly on the chest. "No, you do not need to call the nuthouse or any other house. I was just thinking of what Keith said to me."

"Uh huh. And what did he say?"

"None of your business," I grin, giggling at his wounded expression. "Seriously, it's not a big deal. Nothing earth shattering, or whatever."

"Well, still. I'm your best friend, you should tell me things."

I roll my eyes at him. "Smith, I tell you a ton of things, and you know it. There's nothing to tell on this one anyways."

"Nothing you want to tell, you mean," he presses, not giving up on this one like a reasonable human being would do.

"If that's how you need to look at it," I shrug, "Then yeah, not something I want to tell. Not yet, anyways."

He sighs, the long-suffering sigh of one completely lacking in patience. "Fine, if you're going to be that way, I'm going to go find Brooke and bug her. Oh, and I have to leave for an hour or so, I promised my parents I'd stop by."

I nod. Gina and the girls are still in town, and they're doing a big Fourth of July thing, and I know Tim wants to pop in. "Just make sure you're here for Brooke's big announcement. I think she'd kill you if you missed it."

"Big announcement?" he asks, leaning forward. He's like a dog with a bone when it comes to gossip: will do anything to get it, and once he has it, won't let it go.

"Yeah, don't miss it. And did anyone ever tell you that you're a worse gossip than most thirteen year old girls?"

He flips me off and heads over to where Brooke is still fawning over Lucas, who will probably be thrilled to be rescued from the clutches of the overly attentive Brooke. Tim and Brooke chat for a few minutes, and then Brooke goes back over to Luke, whispering in his ear. I figure they'll do the announcement soon since Tim probably told her he was taking off.

Nathan comes over and stands beside me. "Can we go somewhere and talk for a little bit?" he asks, my ears deceiving me momentarily into thinking he sounds nervous.

I sigh, wishing I could. "Oh, Nathan, I can't. Brooke has a big announcement to make, and she'd kill me if I wasn't here. And then she'd kill you, too, for missing it, and I'd have to carry that guilt to my grave."

He smiles. "So, later then?" I nod. "I'm holding you to that, Haley."

"Good, I do want to talk to you," I smile.

"Well, who wouldn't?" he laughs, "I mean, I'm hot, I'm young, and I'm not too deficient in the brains department."

"I'll be the judge of that!" I laugh.

I notice all of a sudden that everyone is staring at us, and it makes me supremely uncomfortable. I feel like they all know something that I don't, and I hate it. Nathan notices my discomfort and glances around, and his face gets stony, too.

"Just ignore them," he tells me, dropping his voice so only I can hear it, "They're all just too nosy for their own good."

"For our good," I correct him, laughing.

"That, too," he agrees, "But if we ignore them, maybe they'll get bored and go back to having their own conversations that don't involve us."

"Mmm, don't you think that's asking too much, though?" He shrugs. "Oh, well, Brooke and Luke's announcement will give them something bigger and more interesting to gawk and gossip over anyways," I sigh.

He looks at me sideways. "What's their announcement? Are they getting married or something?" he snorts, obviously not even contemplating that possibility.

I glance at my feet, not wanting to give away the surprise. "Well, you'll just have to wait and see," I murmur, hoping he won't realize he was right but knowing he probably will.

"Shut up," he gapes, "They wouldn't get engaged so soon, would they? I mean, they've been dating what? Less than a year officially, right?"

I nod. "Don't tell anyone I told you!" I plead, "They've got this idea that it needs to be this huge surprise thing. And smile, too, they're worried no one will be happy for them."

"Yeah, I mean, no problem. I guess if they're happy, then it's a good thing, right?" He still looks bewildered. "You think they're rushing into this?"

I shrug, not wanting to say anything that isn't supportive of Luke and Brooke, because they are two of my best friends. "It might be a little too soon," I concede, "But it's Luke and Brooke, and they're nothing if not strong-willed, so I guess if they want to make it work, they will."

He nods, understanding. "Well, I guess we'll see what happens. It's just – no, never mind, if they're happy, who am I to criticize, right?"

I smile gratefully at him, pleased that he is refusing to say anything negative about the surprising turn of events. "He'll appreciate your support. And Brooke will want to kill you a little less for walking out on draft night," I tease.

"She still pissed about that?" I nod. "I guess everyone has a right to be. I definitely ruined that night."

"It wasn't as bad as you think. Mostly confusing for everyone," I explain, "They just don't know, which is why you have to tell them."

"You're going to hound me about that until I do, aren't you?" he asks, already knowing the answer.

"It's for your own good," I point out, reasoning my argument.

"Whatever you say," he smiles. "But I know you're right, and I know that the sooner I sit down and talk to both of them the better."

"You'll feel better, not just them," I assure him, "And hey, if ever there was the perfect time for you to clear the air and stuff, wouldn't it be now, when you're about to start a new life as an NBA player?"

He snorts, "Whatever, like that defines who I am. But I do get what you're saying, and I'll do it, I'll talk to them and at the very least, let them know what's bothering me."

Brooke stands up now, tapping her pen on an empty can of soda to get everyone's attention. She's sitting next to Lucas, and the rest of us gather around them expectantly. Nathan winks at me, and I think he might actually be getting into this a little.

Luke stands up, with Brooke's assistance, and smiles widely – if a bit hazily – at us. "Okay, you guys are some of our closest friends and family, and so it only makes sense that we'd want to share this with all of you first."

He looks over to Brooke, who continues their little presentation, or whatever you want to call it. "So it's our pleasure to tell you all first, and most proudly, that Luke and I are…" she pauses, probably for dramatic affect, "Engaged!"

Silence reigns supreme in this moment, as everyone digests the information. Dan, Keith, and Deb all look to Karen for pointers on how to handle it, and to my surprise, Nathan is the first one to step forward.

"Congratulations, Bro," he tells Luke, pulling him into a hug, mindful of his arm. "I'm happy for you." He turns to Brooke. "Well, you sure lucked out and got yourself a good guy."

"Couldn't resist making a smartass comment, hmm?" she asks, but is clearly thrilled and more than a little relieved that at least one person is congratulating them. I step forward and give both of them hugs, noticing how both Luke and Brooke are shooting worried glances at Karen.

Karen, for her part, mostly looks overwhelmed by the news, and perhaps a touch concerned. But she pulls together nicely, and after a minute, is hugging both of them and kissing Luke on the cheek. She even manages to welcome Brooke to the family quite sweetly. Brooke looks enormously relieved that Karen is accepting her.

Deb, Dan, Keith and Tim all give their congratulations, and Eric plays around on the ground, sort of lost in his own three year old world. Things relax as Deb and I head into the house to start bringing out the food. Brooke had insisted on having things catered, but I bought some steaks to grill just in case the guys felt the manly need to barbeque or whatever. We carry everything out and place it on the tables as Brooke shows off her ring and Lucas tells the story of how they became engaged.

As we're loading up a few plates with some cold items, Deb turns to me. "How is Nathan doing?" she asks softly.

I look up at her in surprise. I'm not sure if it's because she doesn't know how he is or if it's because she actually asked.

"Um, he's doing okay, I think." I don't feel like it's my place to go into detail with Deb on how Nathan is. If he wants her to know, he'll tell her. We all know that.

She smiles, reading my mind. "I've talked to him almost every day, Haley. I'm just wondering when he's finally going to talk to Dan and Luke about his jealousy. I hate seeing him in pain like this, but I figure he'll do it when he's ready to."

I stop what I'm doing. "He's okay, Deb, I really think that. I mean, obviously I'm not privy to all his thoughts, but from what I'm getting, he's almost ready to talk to them. And I think things will be a lot better for him then."

She smiles, looking like a weight is off her shoulders. "Thank you for indulging my motherly instincts. For almost a year now, I've been waiting for that other shoe to drop, but if Nathan can just talk to them before it does, it would be so good for them."

"I think he'll do it soon," I reassure her, impulsively grabbing her hand and squeezing it.

"You two look like you're getting along well," she comments, smiling even brighter when she says that. It isn't a secret to me that she and Dan would both be happy if Nathan and I got back together, but she's never been so forthright with it before.

"Yeah, I guess we are. I mean, not that we've not gotten along for quite awhile now," I point out.

"Oh, I know, I just meant you seem a lot closer again. Anything I should know about?" she asks, hopeful sounding.

I laugh, shrugging. "Deb, I wish I had an answer to give you because that would mean I actually had an answer, but unfortunately, I don't!"

"But you want one," she counters.

I shrug. "Well, sure, it's always nice to know where you stand. But I'm not going to push for anything, I can't."

She smiles at me. "Well, I'm rooting for you, honey." She reaches over and hugs me. "You're the best thing that ever happened to Nathan, and once you both realize that, everything will be good."

Ha, go figure, Karen is all kinds of nervous about Brooke and Luke getting married, but Deb here is pushing me towards Nathan, and we aren't even together. Seriously, how weird is that?

"We'll see what happens," I tell her, trying to keep things noncommittal. Not only do I not want to get my own hopes up, but I don't want anyone else's up, either. What if things don't work out? What if I'm hopelessly misreading Nathan, and he doesn't want this like I do? It would be awful.

"Okay, I get it," she sighs, "I won't push you anymore."

"Thank you." I then smile mischievously at her, "But if you want to push Nate a teeny, tiny bit, I might not mind so much."

She laughs. "Now that is something that I can do!"

"Thanks, Deb," I say seriously, "It means a lot, you know. All the support you've given me over all these years, even when Nathan and I did stupid things and we didn't really deserve your support."

She smirks, and I see a little more Nathan in her than usual. "Ah, you must be referring to the infamous, ill-advised marriage of 2004," she laughs, and I realize how far we've come if she can joke so openly about it. At the time and for a long while after, there was nothing funny about his parent's and Karen and Keith's reactions. My parents of course, hardly let it register on their radar.

"Yeah, not one of our brighter moves," I admit, "But then again, forgery and fraud usually aren't."

She laughs. "Well, you live and learn, and I would like to think you both did learn something from that experience."

"Probably not as much as one would hope, but who knows?"

"Come on, let's get back out there," she suggests, picking up a platter of the barbequed ribs Brooke had ordered.

"Thanks for this, Deb," I tell her sincerely.

"Oh, honey, it was nothing. You really are like family to Dan and I, and if being with our son would make you happy, then who on earth would we be to object to that?" she winks.

I give her a hug, and we head back out into the yard. The rest of the night passes in a blur, and by the time everyone leaves and Brooke takes Luke up to her bedroom to let the pain pills do their job, Tim and I collapse exhausted in the living room.

"So, do you think it lived up to Brooke's intense expectations?" he asks, yawning.

I shrug. "Probably. I think her main goal was to make a splash with the whole engagement thing, and she did a good job with that, right?"

"You knew beforehand, right?" he asks, not accusingly, though.

I nod. "Yeah, they told me earlier today over at Keith and Karen's. That's why I was there for the swing accident." Wow, it has really been a long day.

"Weird day," he sighs, "Jason brought a date to the thing at my parent's house."

"That's good," I mumble distractedly, thinking of Nathan and all that Deb and Keith said to me today. I wonder if Keith meant how long it is taking Nathan and me to admit and accept that we belong together when he said we remind him of himself and Karen.

"Yeah, but Gina doesn't like her, so we'll see how long it lasts," he sighs again, "And Lola is spending the summer in Tree Hill now, so watch out for her. She's still after you."

I shake my head. "It doesn't matter anymore. I've tried to apologize, and if she doesn't want to hear it, that's her problem now."

"Good point." He sighs again.

"Tim, is something wrong?" I ask. "You're sighing an awful lot."

He shrugs. "Life just sucks right now, that's all. And it shouldn't, right, because I just graduated from college, but it does."

"Sucks how? You've got an awesome job, two awesomely hot roommates, an awesome family, and you totally have the power to get anything you want. What gives?"

"This is going to sound lame, and probably a little bit gay, but I want love."

I look at him, surprised. "Love like romance and candy and flowers and shit?" I ask, nonplussed, "Or love like hot sex with a girl who'll get involved in a threesome with you and another girl?"

He glares at me, and then laughs. "That second option is so last year. But seriously, I just want someone to be happy with, maybe even make happy."

"That's not so much to ask for," I tell him, smiling, "And I don't doubt even a little bit that you'll find it."

"Thanks," he smiles back at me, "The crappy part is waiting, huh?"

I nod. "Usually is."

"So, you shouldn't wait then," he informs me, "I know you want Nathan, so you should just go for him, tell him. He loves you still, even someone who had never met him would be able to tell."

"You think?"

"Yeah, absolutely. Tell him, James, before it's too late, and you guys let some other shit get in between you."

He's right, I know he is. Now, I just have to find the words.


	18. Songbird

**Chapter Eighteen – _Songbird_**__

'For you, there'll be no more crying,  
For you, the sun will be shining,  
And I feel that when I'm with you,  
It's alright, I know it's right' – Fleetwood Mac

September, Labor Day weekend, 2010

"We're going to Vegas, we're going to Vegas!" Brooke cheers, excited as all get out about this little trip to meet up with Nathan. He has a short break before the basketball season really gets underway, so he's invited Luke, Brooke, and I to Vegas to hang out with him. It will be the first trip for each of us, and admittedly, we're all excited.

"We're all excited, muffin," Luke tells her, in the most annoying way possible. God, I know it's supposed to be cute, but it just makes me ill.

I'm excited to see Nathan in the way where I haven't slept for almost a week, and he's constantly on my mind. It's kind of pathetic, actually. The thing is, we haven't had the talk yet. He got called to LA by his agent for a charity game; he said he didn't want to go, and I believed him, but he's a rookie, and rookies kinda gotta do what they're told, I guess.

But I'm going to see him now. For four whole days in the same hotel. Side by side rooms, even, so if that isn't conducive to talking, I don't know what is.

He should be here soon. His plane is scheduled to land about twenty minutes after ours, so we're waiting by baggage claim for him.

"You're pathetically nervous," Brooke tells me with a laugh. I roll my eyes at her, shrugging. "Seriously, Hales, you need to calm down about this whole thing, okay?"

"She's kind of right," Luke agrees, trying to rewrap his ace bandages on his arm. The break was bad enough that he'd ended up having pins put in, and he's only been out of the cast for a week, and he still has to keep it supported and in a sling.

"I'm not nervous about seeing Nathan, I'm just…excited." They both guffaw with laughter, and I have half a mind to ditch them here and meet up with Nathan later when they aren't around. "You two shouldn't talk anyways," I sigh.

"What?" Brooke looks offended I compared her to me. I don't know if it's that I've spent too much time around them, but these two are driving me insane. They're on this high and mighty kick where they seem to think that everything about their relationship is bigger and better than anyone else's, and of course, they're now relationship gurus dispensing advice like it's coffee.

"Hey, there he is," Luke says, interrupting my thoughts – and the retort I would've laid down for Brooke that would've included many examples of these two acting like idiots in the confines of their relationship.

I glance up, eager for a glimpse of him. I don't care if that makes me insufferably pathetic; I want to see him now. He looks good, relaxed. He shakes hands with Luke and they both smile, having resolved a lot of their issues over the telephone. Nathan and I discussed having our talk over the phone, but again, we decided we'd rather do this face to face. He nods to Brooke, who still has a hard time getting along with him, and then turns to me.

His smile is so big and bright that I'm half tempted to throw myself at him, kissing him senseless right here in the airport, but I maintain an aura of decorum and instead wrap my arms tightly around his neck, hugging him.

"Hey Haley," he whispers into my hair, "I missed you."

God, I'm going to cry. Brooke and Luke are right: I am pathetic. "I missed you, too," I reply, managing to hold the tears in.

Unable to resist, I drop a kiss on his jaw, back near his ear. It's soft and feather light, meant to be intimate. Judging by the way he pulls me closer, holding me tighter, it was.

"Get a room," teases a bored looking Brooke.

We reluctantly pull apart, and Nathan grins when he sees me blushing. "Come on, let's get out of here and go have some fun," he suggests, moving away from me to grab his bag off of the baggage wheel.

I smile at him when he touches my arm as I lift up my bags. "Let's get to the hotel," Brooke enthuses, "Drop this stuff off, and hit the clubs!"

"The clubs? Already?" Nathan asks, "Shouldn't we hang out around the hotel for awhile or something?"

"What happened to party all the time Nathan that we all knew…and knew…in high school?" Brooke asks snidely. I'm going to have to talk to her about this attitude she has with Nathan. It's ticking me off, and if it's on Luke's behalf like I suspect it is, then it is wasted now, as they've made their peace.

"Brooke," I begin, but Nathan cuts me off.

"Look, I might've partied a lot in high school, but that's not what my life is about anymore," he defends, "And it isn't like you'd know about that anyways, so quit judging. And if we want to get real, it isn't like you should be one to talk, Legs Wide Open Davis."

Brooke looks slightly chagrined, but enraged at his use of the nasty nickname she'd had for a year in high school after she'd gotten caught with her pants down in the janitor's closet with a teacher. But her eyes still hold a defiant look to them as she matches his stare. "Look, - "

"No, stop it. I mean it, if you two fight, I'm out of here. Gone, goodbye, back to Tree Hill, and I'll take Hales with me. I mean it. This is supposed to be a fun week."

I can't help it – I laugh at Luke's outburst.

"This isn't funny, Tutor Girl," Brooke snaps, looking irritated with all three of us, "And Luke, how could you say that to me? And did you hear what that jackass said to me?"

"Easy, you're being a shrew for no particular reason. Maybe he was out of line, but you started it, pudding."

"Okay, let's just get to the hotel," I suggest, stepping in. Nathan winks at me, though, suggesting that he's more amused by Brooke's wrath than anything else, which is a relief. I knew he wouldn't be devastated by her blatant dislike of him, but it would make things harder if he wanted to get combative with her.

We head to the car rental place, which I think is stupid since Vegas isn't that big and they have taxis, but Luke is under the illusion that he might get us to drive up to see the Hoover Dam with him. Apparently, he doesn't get that we are only here for four days, and the Hoover Dam probably won't get squeezed into the itinerary.

"How's Seattle?" I ask Nathan as Brooke and Luke stand at the counter.

He shrugs. "I don't know, it's nice, I guess. It's different from here, I'm not sure how I feel about it yet. The funny thing is, if I get settled there, I'll probably be traded anyways. I don't know, I guess I don't want to let myself like it too much, you know?"

I smile. "Yeah, I get it. There's that whole aura of uncertainty, and you don't want to get too attached to something until you know there is a permanence to it." Or until you know it feels the same way.

"I should've known you'd get it," he smiles, "You pretty much always get me."

I look sideways at him. "Is that a good thing, or is it a very, very bad thing?" I ask with a laugh.

"So it's either good or very, very bad? Two verys? Why couldn't it just be bad?" he asks back, smirking at me.

"Smartass, answer the question."

He grins. "You know it isn't a bad thing. I mean, that's probably only because you're usually on my side, though," he laughs.

"Brat," I laugh, smacking his chest. Everything about this feels so natural, and right now, until we can talk, all I can do is hope he feels the same way.

Luke procures the car, and we load our stuff in there and pile in, and head for the hotel. We're staying at the Bellagio because Nathan has declared that this trip will be nothing but the best for his brother and friends. Normally it would make me nervous, this frivolous show of tossing money around, but from what I can tell, he's been really responsible so far, telling me about his investment banker and portfolio manager. Who am I to turn down a trip to Vegas, right?

"This is going to be so. much. fun!" Brooke squeals, throwing her arms around Lucas, who is trying to drive.

"We should've hired a limo," Nate sighs, shaking his head at them. Since we're sitting at a stoplight, Luke has turned towards Brooke and they're making out. Charming. "You know, you could've warned me they're like this."

I shrug. "They aren't usually this bad. Maybe it's the thrill of Vegas," I suggest, "I bet we barely see them all weekend."

"That's a bet I won't be taking," he laughs.

"If you two are talking about us," Luke grins in the rearview mirror, "You can stop right now. We've finished doing what we were doing."

"'Bout time," I quip, hoping they realize that there is enough truth behind it to at least tone down the make-out sessions.

We check into the hotel, which is quite possibly the most beautiful place on earth. Forget Mother Nature and her tropical paradises and her frozen, crystal landscapes, this is perfect. This is a masterpiece. All four of us are more than a little awestruck at the sight in front of us as we stand in the bustling lobby trying to decide if we should follow the bellhop who took our luggage to our rooms, or if we should head for a casino.

"I don't think we're in Tree Hill anymore, Toto," Luke breathes out, staring at the beautiful layout in front of us.

"No shit, Dorothy," Nathan laughs, slugging him in the arm in a brotherly way. It always makes me smile to see them act so brotherly towards one another, and it's been awhile since that has happened.

"Bite me, Wicked Witch," Luke retorts, laughing.

"Face it, boys, you're both flying monkeys," I laugh, saying it as though I'm pointing out the obvious.

Brooke laughs, agreeing. "And I am so the Good Witch!"

"No way," Nathan argues, "Haley is far more on the good side than you are."

"But she'd obviously be Dorothy," Brooke disagrees, "You know, the naïve, innocent one who brings everyone together."

"Oh, my God, this is the worst analogy I've ever heard," I groan, blushing at Brooke's assertion that I'm naïve and innocent, not to mention possessing of special powers to bring people together.

Things have clearly calmed down between Brooke and Nathan as they are now able to joke with each other, which is a relief to both Luke and me, who would really rather not be stuck in the middle.

"Well, maybe we could get something to eat," Brooke suggests, "We haven't eaten since breakfast."

We all agree, and head out to find a restaurant. All of us decided it'd be more fun to leave the hotel and find a restaurant in one of the other hotels, so that's what we're doing. It's actually a fun meal, with Luke and Brooke keeping the PDAs to a minimum, and all of us joking around together in a relaxed manner. Nathan gets irritable, though, when the waiter nearly pours ice water in his lap.

Brooke stands up then, and announces that she and I are going to run to the ladies room. This has never been something that she and I did, thank God, but I shrug and go along with her. If she's going to start the peeing in pairs methodology that is so popular with some women, I might as well see what the deal is.

"So, Nathan is totally into you," she says as she reapplies her lipstick. I'm fixing my hair, but stop abruptly when she says this.

"What?" I squeak, turning to her, "What are you talking about?" I'm hoping she's picked up on something that I haven't.

"Did you see the waiter checking you out?" I shake my head no. "Huh, well, that's why he almost spilled his water on Nathan, and that's why Nathan got so pissy after that. He didn't like the guy checking you out."

A fissure of delight bursts through me. If Nathan is jealous of some no-name waiter, maybe he isn't opposed to getting back together. "Hmm, well, I guess jealousy is a good thing," I say to Brooke.

She nods. "You know, you might have to use that your advantage." I roll my eyes at her in the mirror. "No, I'm serious. Let's talk the guys into going out from here, and then at the club, you dance with a few other guys. Get his blood pumping in that keyed up, adrenaline, sports way before taking him back to the hotel to hash things out."

Maybe she's not far off the mark on this one. Then again, "Brooke, I don't think it'd be a good idea for me to play games with Nathan right now. We're on this tightrope, and the options are to fall together or fall separately, and I don't want to do anything that might push him off without me."

She shrugs. "So, if you do, you jump after him. That's what you've got to figure out, Hales. You can't let him get away anymore, not without a fight, anyways."

I nod, knowing this. I really do, I'm so tired of not having him, and knowing that I haven't even tried to get him. That's just sad and pathetic, and those are things I don't want to be. I want to take these chances, and I want to at least be able to say I went for what I wanted, regardless of whether or not I get it.

"I'm hoping he'll want to talk soon," I admit, "And maybe we can go back to the hotel or something. It's too hot to hang outside right now."

She nods. "Well, I'll drag Luke off for some nice air-conditioned shopping, so you guys won't have us around to distract you."

I laugh, hugging her. "Thanks, I'd really appreciate that. I need to do this, and if I can get it done tonight, the rest of the trip could be ecstasy for me." We both leave it unsaid that it could just as easily be agony.

"So, we're finally going to talk about everything, huh?" Nathan asks, smirking at me. Brooke was true to her word, and effectively dragged Luke off, ditching us. Nathan even suggested coming back here and just talking, catching up and getting to know each other again.

"I'm ready if you are," I confirm, and he reaches out and grabs my hand, squeezing it gently. I smile gratefully at him.

"You don't have to be nervous; I don't bite."

I roll my eyes at him. "I know otherwise, and I'm not." He glances up sharply at me. "Okay, I am, but it doesn't matter. I can ignore it if you can."

He nods. "So, you're going to start, right?" he asks, winking at me. He has totally picked up on shaky and nervous I am, and he's exploiting it for all it's worth. And having a great time doing so.

"Um, I can start," I sigh, not wanting to, "If you think that it's best I do!"

He laughs, "Nice try, Haley J. Come on, don't you think this is something that you should start this time?" he says gently.

He's right, I know he is. I need to take the initiative this time, and tell him how I'm feeling. But it makes me nervous still, and so I try and play it off a little. "Well, at least tell me what you want to talk about so I know we're on the same page. You know, I wouldn't want to go off on a tangent," I smile, hoping he'll be kind enough to tell me what he's wanting to discuss.

"Us, Haley, I want to talk about us. Now, stop stalling."

Oookay. "Do you want me to ease in, or jump right in with both feet?" I ask, shifting from side to side nervously.

"Haley!" he exclaims, laughing, "Just do it!"

I settle back on the couch – Nathan insisted we each have a suite – and he sits down next to me, so I turn to face him. I take a deep breath, trying to settle my very unruly nerves.

"Okay, I guess I'll start at the beginning," I say looking at my hands like they're the most fascinating things in the world, "That makes as much sense as anything, right?" He smiles encouragingly. "God, I have to go back a long way to get to the beginning," I babble, "So, bear with me."

He reaches out and squeezes both my hands in one of his. "Hey, it's okay. Haley, you can say anything you want to me." I nod, willing myself to calm down, at least outwardly. "Okay, okay," he says, taking pity on me, "I'll start. I think I would start with what happened the night of the draft, when we slept together."

"No," I burst out, interrupting him. He looks startled, but I push on. "Nate, it would be so, so easy for me to let you do the talking here, but that's not right. It just isn't." He starts to protest, but I push on. "I mean it. I owe this to you, to tell you this without you creating the openings for me. To tell you the truth. I owe you that."

He nods, settling back against the fluffy, plush cushions of the couch. "Okay, I just hate seeing you all nervous."

I smile a little. "Well, I hate being all nervous, but once I get this out, it should be better, right?"

"That's the idea," he agrees.

"Okay, let's do this then. When we broke up," I sigh, "God, that was a long time ago. Anyways, I wasn't doing it because I didn't love you or because I didn't want to be with you. I mean, I know I've explained it before, but I was always so afraid that you'd move on and find something better, someone you would love more. And that scared me, Nathan. I didn't want to be someone you felt guilty about or thought about only out of obligation."

"I know all this," he says quietly.

I nod. "But it was so hard, Nathan, because I loved you so much, and I didn't want you out of my life. I didn't want you to find someone new, and I didn't want to find someone new for myself."

"But you did," he says sadly, finally breaking his gaze away from mine.

I shrug, "Yeah, in a way, I did. It wasn't the same, though; it never was. Do you know how long it took me to admit that to myself even? Till my goddamn wedding, Nathan! That's awful, but I was so set on 'moving on' that I was almost willing to put both Jason and I into a situation that would've ruined both of us!"

"Hey, you didn't though, and that counts for a lot, Haley J. I know you feel guilty about what you did to Pretty Boy, but forget him – he's proved since that he wasn't even halfway good enough to be worthy of you."

I shake my head. "It doesn't excuse what I did. I used him, Nathan. For almost two years, I used him even when I didn't realize that I was."

"Maybe you're putting too little importance on that relationship, Haley," he says, I guess invoking some of the psych classes he took in college. "It had to have meant something to you for you to stick around that long, right?"

I shrug. "Sure, it meant something. It meant I should've stayed friends with him, and never gone out with him in the first place. I certainly shouldn't have gotten engaged to him when I knew that I still – "

"That you still what, Haley?" he asks, moving closer to me.

"That I still wasn't over you, Nathan. That I still had feelings for you that were anything but resolved." Unchecked tears are streaming down my face now. "I messed up, Nathan," I whisper, "I messed up so bad so many times, and now I don't know how to fix it!"

"You can't always fix the past, Haley, sometimes you just have to move forward."

"I know, I know that. Oh, God, how I've learned that this last year and a half," I laugh wryly, "But the thing is, I want to fix this. With all my heart, I wish I could fix it."

"So, you wish you didn't hurt Jason, and so you feel bad about it, move on," he orders, looking agitated.

"That isn't what I'm saying," I protest, "God, Nathan, I'm sorry that I hurt you, and that's what I wish I could fix! I wasn't talking about hurting Jason, I was talking about how my being with Jason hurt you!" He raises his eyebrows in silent question. "Damn it, all that time after I ran out on Jason I tried to tell myself it was about hurting him – that's why I felt so bad. But then I finally realized that it wasn't about Jason, it was about you and me. And that's when I really started feeling like shit about the whole thing."

"What are you saying, Haley?" he asks quietly, leaning forward again, his hands clenching and unclenching in his lap.

"I'm saying that I could never love Jason because I was still in love with you! So I screwed him over, and I screwed you over, and damn it, I even screwed myself over!"

And there it is. Finally, it is all out there. I can't bear to look up at him; if his face indicates he doesn't feel the same way, I'll be crushed. It wouldn't really be right that I would, since he doesn't have a reason to feel the same way now, but I still would. At the same time, it had to be said. I had to do this, for his sake as well as my own.

"Haley," he sighs, "I don't know if we can do this again."

I nod stiffly, "I – I understand."

"No, you don't," he sighs again, tipping my chin up so I'm forced to look at him. "I'm not saying we can't, I'm just saying – what if…?"

"What if what? What if I push you away again? I won't, Nathan, I'm so different now that I know I want to fight for you. I know that some things are worth going all out for, and I know that you are one of them! It took a long time for me to get my nerves up to realize that's what I wanted, but here I am! If there is no chance you feel the same, tell me, and I'll accept it, but otherwise, I want to fight for this, for us."

"You think it's that easy, Haley? I'm going to be in Seattle for a huge chunk of the year, and I know you don't really want to leave Tree Hill. How would it be any different than it was the first time around?" he asks, challenging me.

"Because four years have gone by, and I know now that you don't just let go of something that you want, that you love – when you do, you end up with nothing. I don't want nothing, Nathan; I want you."

I'm still looking him straight in the eye, willing him to believe me and also just willing him to want what I want. He has to believe me, I don't know what I'd do if he doesn't. Watching the play of emotions over his face gives me hope.

"Haley J," he sighs, leaning closer to me, "God, I've waited and wanted for so long for you to say those words to me."

"And now," I begin, faltering, "Now that I've said them, what? You are scaring me, Nathan, being all quiet. That's not like you."

He reaches his hands up, and places one on each side of my face. I turn so that I can kiss the palm of his hand, still keeping my eyes on his. "I love you, Haley, and everything in me tells me that I shouldn't let you know that, I should make you squirm, make you feel like I felt all this time, but I can't. I love you too much."

I throw myself into his arms, and I want to kiss him, hold him, and show him how I feel, but I can't. I'm too overcome emotionally to do any of those things, so the best I can muster is to just hold onto him for dear life.

"You mean it?" I choke out in between sobs of relief, happiness.

He nods, not releasing me. "I've loved you since day one, and I'd be a fool now to turn down what I really want. And you – you are all that I have ever wanted. I couldn't turn you down if I wanted, baby."

I press myself even closer to him, climbing onto his lap. "I love you, Nathan. God, I could sit here repeating that all day, and it wouldn't even be close to what I really feel."

"I love you, too, baby, even though I've told myself a thousand times the last four years that I shouldn't."

I nod into his shoulder, not thinking about his words so much as feeling his arms around me. "I'm gonna make it all up to you, Nathan, I promise you that."

He pulls away to look at me. "Oh, Haley J, that's not what it's about. We just move forward now, okay?"

"But there is so much behind us that we have to deal with," I say, trying to keep the practical, rational part of my brain functioning as the rest of me reacts to the nearness of his body.

He slides one hand up into my hair, and I sigh and relax against him. I can't remember the last time I felt this good, physically and mentally and emotionally. I turn my face towards him, pressing light kisses to his cheek and jaw. He slides his hands under my legs, and lifts me so that I am straddling his lap.

I pull back my attentions from his cheek and jaw, and look into his eyes. They are glowing like blue fire, and I'm getting drawn into their flames, just as I wanted, just as I've wanted for so long now. He slides his hands up to gently brush the tears off my cheeks, and then leans in to kiss me. I melt into him, savoring the feeling of him against me.

"You're what?" Nathan asks, his jaw dropping.

"Getting married!" Luke grins, "Isn't that great? I mean, yeah, Mom and every will probably be pissed that we didn't wait and do it in Tree Hill, but hell, we're in Vegas and what do people do in Vegas?"

"They get married!" Brooke answers drunkenly.

"Oh, my God," I groan under my breath so they can't hear me. Nathan stifles a chuckle as he rests his hand on my shoulder. Brooke and Luke both lose interest in us and move away. "Why would they think this is a good idea?" I moan to Nathan.

"I don't know if it's them so much or if it's their good buddy Jose who seems be doing most of the thinking for them this weekend."

He's right, they've both spent a whole lot of this weekend drinking, but I chalked that up to a Vegas thing and didn't figure it would lead to anything bad other than one of them getting mad at the other for flirting. Which has happened repeatedly. In fact, Brooke interrupted some really hot and heavy reunion sex between Nate and I that I'm still a little pissed about.

"This is such a bad idea," I whisper to him, "But I can't do anything or say anything without them getting pissed at me."

He nods, thinking about it. "You think Brooke wants us to do this because three of Britney's weddings have been here? She's still her idol, right?"

I snort indelicately as I try to choke back my laughter. "Nathan, don't make this funny! It's really serious!"

He pulls me into his arms and bends down to kiss me. His lips move enticingly against mine, and for a minute, I forget that I'm standing in the middle of the lobby of a Las Vegas wedding chapel. I wrap my arms around his neck, and he slides his hands down my back, over my hips to my butt so he can lift me up against.

"See, I got the Cuervo in me, too," he grins, when we pull apart for air. I guess I'm the only one who hasn't been drinking, but I haven't been feeling good, and so the idea of a hangover really is doing nothing for me. Besides, sometimes there is something to be said for being the sober, less likely to do stupid things one.

I laugh, but scold him, too. "Was that just a distraction kiss? Because that is a low tactic. A good one, a really good one, but it was still low."

He swats me on the rear. "Maybe it was a distraction method, but I just felt like it, too," he admits, "I can't seem to get enough of touching you. I guess it's the equivalent of pinching me to make sure I'm not dreaming."

"It's definitely not a dream," I confirm, pulling him down for another kiss.

"God, break it up you two freaks," Brooke comments from behind us, laughing her giddy, drunk laugh.

"Yeah, yeah," Nathan sighs, pulling away from me. I feel the loss immediately. "So, what's the deal?" he asks cautiously.

"The deal is we're getting married!" Brooke squeals, throwing her arms around Lucas. "We are getting married. I'll be Mrs. Brooke Davis-Scott! Oh, my God, let's do this!"

They've already filled out the forms with the clerk, and someone now comes out and gives Brooke and me flowers to hold and Brooke a veil to wear. They have suit jackets for Nathan and Luke, and Nathan does not look impressed that he has to wear it over his t-shirt and khaki shorts. Of course, I'm not too excited when I'm handed a heavy, beaded shawl that I'm apparently supposed to wrap around my waist to give the appearance of an evening gown. At least that's what we're told.

Nathan and Luke stand at the altar, and although I feel foolish, I walk down ahead of Brooke. This whole thing feels so odd – rushed and unlike Brooke and Luke. I can't help but think that when they get past this giddy, honeymoon phase, they'll have regrets. It's very similar to the Nathan and me getting married when we were sixteen.

"Dearly beloved," the Elvis impersonator begins. He even does the Elvis voice, which is kinda cool, I have to admit. Nathan and I look at each other, and I try not to crack up as he rolls his eyes.

It's a really dorky ceremony, exactly what I'd expect out of a last-minute Vegas wedding, but I have to admit that both Luke and Brooke look entirely blissful. When Faux Elvis pronounces them man and wife, Brooke tackles Luke to the ground, kissing him. Even Faux Elvis cracks a genuine grin at that.

The funny thing about this chapel is that they have a 'ballroom', where all of the couples and their guests who have been married here tonight can mingle and dance, so that's where we head next.

"Weird day," Nathan grins next to me. It has been weird, and even a little awkward. Last night was amazing, but in light of day, it is easier to remember there is still a lot of stuff Nathan and I will need to work out. But we've made the start, and this is vacation, and neither of us wants to rush into hashing out every detail of our lives right now.

"Very weird," I agree, smiling at him. My smile widens when he reaches down to take my hand. "I can't believe my best friends got married," I sigh.

"I know," he agrees, "It just feels off, doesn't it?" I nod. "I admit I don't know Brooke well anymore, but Luke isn't acting like himself, and I just am afraid this thing might blow up in their faces."

I lay my head on his shoulder, liking that I can touch him now whenever I want. "They've both been acting out of character, but we'll see. I really hope this works; I love them both so much, and I want them to be happy, but I'm just afraid this isn't going to be what makes them happy."

"You think Luke will regret not accepting the offer Houston makes?" he asks, truly sounding curious.

I shrug. "I don't know, I really think he wanted to be back in Tree Hill, but who knows, right? I mean, maybe someday he'll think of what might've been and wonder, but I believe he needed to be back home."

"What about me? Do you think I need to be back home?"

"Nathan," I say, careful to choose the right words, "I think that you should be wherever makes you happy. And if you have to go where the basketball is, then I think that's where you should be."

"So, you don't want me back in Tree Hill, then?" he teases, pretending to pout.

"What I want and what I think are two entirely different things, aren't they?" I point out, kissing him. "For the record? I'd love it if we were together all the time, but right now, that isn't in the cards. I hope there will be a time when it is, though."

"Good answer," he smiles, kissing me back again. "God, I missed this."

"Me, too." We both look out to where Brooke and Luke are dancing slowly together, completely lost in each other, and completely oblivious to how much more complicated they just made their lives by eloping. And this, this is one area that I would know about, and know well.

"They'll be okay," Nathan whispers in my ear, "Even if this whatever it is, this thing they have now doesn't work, they'll both be okay. They're tough, survivors. They can do it, Haley J, don't worry about them."

I nod, trying to think positively. "You know what?" I tell him resolutely, "I'm not worrying about this. It isn't my place to worry anyways."

"Good girl," Nathan laughs, "You should definitely be worrying about me instead. Worry about me all alone in Seattle without you."

"I don't worry about that," I insist, "I know you'll be fine."

He bends down, wrapping his arms around my waist and lifting me up. "You'll be fine, too, and we are going to see each other a lot. It'll be hard, but we'll make it work this time, okay?"

I nod, kissing him on the cheek. "I know, and I can't wait to make it start working."

"We already have, Haley," he smiles, kissing me long and hard.

Late September, 2010

"God, Tigger, I've been sick for the last month, this is getting old," I whine as I stumble into the dining room to sit down at the table with her, Luke, and Tim.

Luke and Tim are poring over the sports section, and have no interest in our conversation. Brooke looks at me sympathetically, shrugging. "Just go see the damn doctor then, Hales! I mean, this has been going on a long-ass time, and it obviously isn't going away. Come on, you're starting a job today, so you need to get your ass healthy so you can beautifully decorate the houses for all the rich people in town."

I nod, picking at a piece of bread, trying to get it down without gagging. "I have to go call Nathan before I go to the office," I smile, not sure if the smile is more for the office or Nathan. Well, probably Nathan.

"See ya later," Brooke smiles, "I'll have fun in lab while you're having fun at work." She smacks Luke and Tim on the arms. "Say goodbye and good luck to Hales. It's her first day of work!"

"Bye Hales," Luke grins, waving at me as he glances up from the paper, "You'll be great, I know it."

"Thanks, Luke." I kiss him on the cheek. I move over and kiss Tim on the cheek. "You two have fun at work today."

"We will," Tim grins, "You, too, James."

"Aye, aye, sir!" I salute, walking out the door.

"Make a doctor's appointment!" Brooke yells.

"Yes, Mommy," I yell back, rolling my eyes. Tim and Luke yell for me to go to the doctor, too, and I'm sure Brooke smacked them on the head and told them to.

It's a weird little family we have here, but it works. Tim and Luke have actually gotten to be pretty good friends, and they hang out now without Brooke or I around even. It was hard at first, with Luke being virtually moved in, but we've all adjusted pretty well, if I do say so myself.

It certainly isn't what you'd expect from a bunch of 22, 23, and 24 year olds, that's for sure. Especially not ones who have the history, the long, intertwined, hard history that we have. But here we are, not only coexisting, but strengthening old friendships and even making new ones.

I pull out my cell phone and enter in Nathan's new Seattle number, and start the car, turning down the radio as I wait for him to pick up. I pull out of the driveway, humming under my breath, anticipating hearing his voice.

"Hey beautiful, do you have any idea how early it is here?" he grumbles into the phone, "Because if you say yes, you do, then I might have to fly out there and get revenge personally."

"Aw, I'm sorry, what is it, six?" I tease, knowing full well that it is only 4:30 there, and that Nathan isn't really the greatest morning person in the world.

"Don't do me like that," he sighs, yawning into the phone to make his point, "We had an evening practice last night, and then I went out to a bar with a few of the guys."

"Have fun?" I ask, curious as to what he's doing at clubs exactly. I guess I'm a little jealous, and a little irritated that he's out having fun without me, even though I have fun here without him. And besides, after everything, I really do trust him.

I can practically hear him smirking through the phone. "Sure, it was alright. The clubs are better here than Durham, so that's something. Company isn't as good, though," he admits, probably more to placate me than anything else.

"I miss you, too," I say softly, "I've been thinking about you all morning."

"Mm, well, I was dreaming of you, but you rudely interrupted," he retorts mildly, "So, when are you going to come visit me?"

"Soon, I hope, but I'm kind of beginning to think I won't be able to get away from work until Thanksgiving," I sigh, missing him desperately.

"You could always come up for a weekend game in New York or Boston," he suggests hopefully, some of the sleep vacating his voice.

"Definitely," I agree, "But it just won't be for longer than that, unfortunately. But I'll definitely be with you on Thanksgiving, even if I have to quit my job."

He laughs. "Well, I hope that won't be necessary. But it'll be good if you can visit then, since we have a game in Seattle on Thanksgiving Day. You can see the apartment, and I can show you around the city."

"Like you know it so well now," I tease, laughing, "Besides, don't they hate out of staters there?"

"Nah, especially not if they're hot, young, rookie basketball players. Not that I've proven I can play yet or anything," he admits.

"Yeah, but you know you will," I say confidently. I have every faith that Nathan can do whatever he sets his mind to. He always has, and he always will. It takes a person with certain strength of character to have that gift.

"I'll do my best," he agrees, "So, first day of work. You excited yet?"

I shrug to myself even as I answer him. "I guess so. I mean, it's not exactly big-time designing or anything, but it'll be nice to have more cash flow than what comes from working at the café, you know?"

"Yeah, I know. So, how's everything else? How are Brooke and Luke doing so far?"

"I don't know, it's weird, Nathan, it's like they aren't even married. Luke hasn't even moved in entirely, and since they haven't told anyone but Tim, it's just odd. Hopefully once Christmas comes and goes and they let the cat out of the bag, they'll settle into more of a marriage type pattern."

"Luke sounds so," he pauses as he searches for the right word, "Nonchalant about it, like it's nothing. Just another day."

"I don't know, neither of them will talk about it with me, and I'm not going to push. This is their thing, so they need to figure it out. And they will, I'm sure."

"Yeah, they will." He yawns again. "So, whatcha wearing?"

I laugh. "Nathan! I can't believe you actually asked me that question. Besides, you're the one in bed, I should be asking you."

"You already know what I wear to bed," he reminds me huskily, "You've been there enough times with me."

"Not enough recently," I lament, but shake my head, resolving to focus on the times we had, not the times we lost. And most of my focus, of course, will go on the times to come.

"The only way it would be recent enough was if you were in here now with me," he decides, laughing a little, "And that could be resolved if you came here."

He's been doing this since Vegas. Subtle little insinuations that I should I move to Seattle with him, and damn if it isn't tempting. The thing is, I don't know if I'm ready to leave Tree Hill yet. For all intents and purposes, my family, Luke, Karen, Keith, and Eric, are here, as well as my extended family of Brooke, Tim, Deb, and Dan. It would be so hard to leave them right now. But Nathan understands that, and it is why he isn't pushing me beyond the reminders that I could be there if I chose to be.

"You never know what the future will hold," I tell him, not wanting to flat out say no, I won't be moving, but not able to say yes yet, either. So I play the middle, biding my time, knowing that if it ever comes down to it, I'll follow Nathan to the ends of the Earth.

"I love you, even if you are almost three thousand miles away," he tells me, and I think that is just the sweetest thing.

"What if it was more than three thousand, would you still feel the same way?" I ask back, coyly.

"Nah, then I'd drop you like a hot potato," he jokes.

"Thanks a lot," I grumble good-naturedly.

"You know I love you and would do anything for you. It's always been like that," he reminds me.

"I know," I murmur.

"You told me that once about how you felt about me. Well, except the love part, you didn't tell me that, but you said you'd do anything. I just wanted you to know I'd do anything for you, too."

"I know, Nathan, and thank you. God, you're making me miss you even more than normal," I sigh, feeling empty without him. Unfortunately, my earlier nausea is returning, and I have to pull the car over. "Hold on," I choke out as I jump out of the car so I can puke freely on the side of the road.

"Baby, are you okay?" he asks as I wipe my mouth with the back of my hand. "God, Haley, how long as this been going on? You need to see a doctor, okay?"

"Yeah, I'll be okay. I was just going to make a doctors appointment today. I'm sick of being sick, and I think Brooke will kill me herself if I don't."

"Well, if you don't, I'll find one myself, and pay him to make a house call on you," he threatens.

"Well, don't do that, but if you ever want to play doctor with me," I tell him suggestively, "You're more than welcome to show up on my doorstep."

"Speaking of your doorstep, how long are you planning on living with Brooke and Tim?" he asks, sounding hesitant.

"I don't know, we haven't talked about it. I mean, I guess there will come a point when Brooke will realize that it's not really cool to have two extra roommates when you have a husband, but it doesn't seem to bother them yet."

"Okay, well, how long do you want to stay there?" he asks, trying again. I think I know what he's getting at, but this is something he needs to say. "I mean, look, you know I don't begrudge you your friends, even if I don't like them or think they're good enough for you or Luke. But I do worry about when I get to come visit you, how awkward it would be for me to stay there with you."

"Oh, baby, we'll make it work. Hey, if nothing else, we'll stay at your parent's beach house. And I'll talk to both of them about making sure they behave or whatever."

"The thing is," he points out, "It's their house, they should be able to behave however they want. And Tim is clearly uncomfortable around me, and I don't know if I'm getting old or something, but I don't like it when people are uncomfortable around me."

"Well, no he shouldn't, but we'll figure it out, Nathan. Hey, if Tim and Luke can be nice to each other, and actually hang out, you and Tim should be able to pull off being nice to each other for a few days, right?"

He groans. "It's not the same, though. Yeah, they had all that antagonistic bullshit between them, but Tim and I were friends, and then – it didn't end well, Haley J. And he and Luke didn't have that kind of bullshit between them to deal with. But how about this? Next time I'm there, I'll say hi and be nice instead of staying out of his way and ignoring him."

I smile to myself, thinking that is probably better than I could've asked for. "That'd be good, Nathan." I take a sip of my water, trying to get my stomach under control before I pull back out on the road. "I will be so happy when this stupid flu passes," I sigh into the phone.

"God, don't bring that up again, my mind is contemplating horrible things whenever I think of you being sick. Promise you'll see a doctor soon? Make the appointment today?"

His worry is touching, and of course I can't deny him anything, but I'm beginning to become worried myself. "I promise," I assure him softly, "I'll call as soon as I'm a little settled in at work."

"You better. I worry about you, Haley J, and if I find out you aren't taking care of yourself, I mean it, I'll be back there so fast your head will spin."

I smile as I pull back out onto the road. "I promise. And anyways, I'm sure it's nothing. What's the worst it could be? Food poisoning? A stomach flu that is really hard to kick? I just don't think it is anything that serious."

"Well, that's fine, but we aren't going to take any chances, now are we?" he asserts, and I laugh a little.

"No, we aren't, Mommy, geez."

"Hey," he protests, "I'm just worried about you. God, Haley, I just got you back, do you really think I have any intention of losing you now?"

"Oh, Nathan, please don't be so worried, okay? I'm sure it's nothing, and there's no point in worrying when we have no reason to suspect otherwise, right?"

"Fine, fine, I won't worry. Or at least I won't let you know that I am. Besides, you'll be visiting the doctor in the next day or two and figuring things out, right?"

"Absolutely," I confirm, pulling into the parking garage of the building I'll be working in. "Baby, I'm at work now, I have to go," I sigh.

"Damn, okay, you call me tonight and let me know how it went, okay?"

"You have an exhibition game," I point out, "So you'll be playing when I get home, and with any luck, I'll be in bed before your done."

He sighs. "Okay, so you'll leave a message. Hey, get out of the car and go inside. I know you're nervous, so just do it and get it over with," he encourages. I take his advice and jump out of the car.

"Thanks, Nathan, I love you."

"I love you, too, and I know you'll be incredible today. Knock 'em dead!"

We hang up and I head inside, still feeling sick, for the first day of my new job. My first real job. Great way to start things off.

I collapse on the couch when I get home, tired as hell. I didn't have a particularly hard first day at work, and nothing really came up that was stressful, but I'm exhausted. Maybe it has to do with me being sick all this time.

"Honey, how was your day at work?" Brooke asks, doing her best 50s sitcom wife impersonation.

I manage a laugh at her, and shrug. "It was fine. Not bad, not great, just good, fine, okay, whatever."

"Good to fine to okay, all in the space of two seconds? That doesn't sound so….well, good. What's up?"

"Ugh, it wasn't anything with work, it's this flu that I can't shake, and I'm so tired. Nothing is wrong, it's just a lot happening at once, if that makes any sense at all."

"I'm used to you not making sense," she laughs, and I know she's probably not joking. I weakly shove at her to get her away from me.

She moves my feet out of the way and sits down. "How was lab?" I ask, always liking when she has some gory, freak out story about scaring the younger vet students who don't know the ropes yet.

"It was fine," she says, waving a hand dismissively, "But forget about that. You and I are going to the bathroom."

"Tigger, we're at home, that whole pee in pair's thing doesn't really fly here," I tell her tiredly.

"No, no, just come on." She stands up again, and reaches down to pull me to my feet. "I think I know what's wrong with you."

"What?" I ask, confused. I don't have a clue what she's talking about, and I'm way too tired to try and wrap my brain around deciphering it.

We go up to her room, where she hands me a paper sack. "Go on, open the damn thing," she encourages.

I shrug, and pull a box out of the bag. A home pregnancy test. Damn. Damn. I – I don't even know what to think, I can't think right now, this is too overwhelming. In all the time I've been sick, I hadn't even remotely considered this as a possibility, but now that I'm holding this test, it seems so obvious, so logical.

"You really think so?" I ask, still shocked at the idea of this. I just don't know how to react to this news. How would Nathan react? How would Lucas and Karen? What about Deb and Dan? There is so much to consider, and I don't even really know where to begin.

"Okay, first of all, knock it off." I glance up at her questioningly. "Stop analyzing it to death. You don't even know whether you're even pregnant or not, right?" I nod, jerkily. "Okay, so you don't know, and I'm thinking it would make sense not to panic until you know."

I nod again. "Okay, no panic, no obsessing." She turns me around and shoves me out of her room towards the bathroom. I lock myself in and take the test. I clean up, and head back to my room, where Brooke is waiting on the bed. She glances up in silent question as I place the stick on my desk, awaiting the results. "Five more minutes."

She nods. "Damn, the waiting sucks, huh?"

I glare at her. "You think?" I ask sarcastically, stressing out. It's all I can do not engage in any number of nervous habits right now.

"I'm sorry," she says, suppressing a laugh, "Hey, this might not even be the issue, right? It could still be that long-lasting flu bug we've been assuming for awhile now."

I sit down next to her on the bed. "God, Tigger, this – this seems so logical now. It would explain why I've been tired and why I've been sick, especially in the morning. God, and I'd have to tell Nathan – what would I tell Nathan? We just got back together, we aren't ready to be parents together yet," I sigh, beginning to cry. "What if he hates me because of this? I couldn't handle that, Tigger!"

"Shh, shh," she whispers soothingly, wrapping her arms around me, "You don't even know yet. Three minutes still. Don't panic." I nod against her shoulder. "I know it is hard, but you have to think positively for now, and know that no matter what, everything will work out."

I nod, trying to calm myself down. "But you're right, this seems so logical. I started feeling sick a week or so after the draft night, and it's been continual ever since." I jump up and start pacing the room. "Damn it, this is scary, Tigger!" I cry, letting myself drop to the floor.

She moves to the floor beside me. "It's going to be okay, Haley, no matter what that stick says. We're going to figure this thing out, I promise." We sit here in silence until the timer on my watch dings, startling us both out of our thoughts. "Hey, no matter," she says again, "You've got me, Lucas, and Tim. And Karen and Keith would do anything for you, and so would Deb and Dan. You'll be okay."

I nod, and take a deep breath, and move over to where the stick. I realize my hand is over my lower belly, as if I were cradling something inside, and I drop it like I was burned. Gathering my courage, I glance down at the stick: Negative. How could it possibly be negative?

"It's negative," I choke out, surprised. Since Brooke handed me the pregnancy test, I thought this was the only possibility. I move back to sit on the edge of the bed. "It's negative." I'm surprised to hear the tears in my voice.

"Are you okay?" she asks hesitantly, obviously sensing that it wasn't the news I was expecting, and maybe wasn't even the news I wanted.

I nod, trying to convince both of us. "Yeah, I mean, it would've been really hard to go through that right now, and like I said, Nathan and I just barely got back together. Now isn't the right time for a child." Even as I say all of this, I am realizing that I don't really believe it. Maybe it is just easier knowing it isn't happening, but we could've figured something out, it would've been okay.

She's still sitting on the floor, but she moves over so that she can lie against my legs. "I'm sorry," she says quietly, and I wonder how she knew. "It's all over your face," she explains, before I can even ask, "It might've complicated things for you, but I can tell you still kinda wanted it."

"Why?" I ask, serious, "Why would I want a baby now when I have nothing to offer it? It's so stupid. And so out of the blue, too!"

"Haven't you told me that feelings are never stupid?" I shrug. "Hales, it is okay. We both know you love kids, and it is only natural to want one of your own, right?"

I brush a tear off of my cheeks. "Well, I guess its back to being the interminable twenty-four hour flu or something," I sigh.

She stands up and gives me another hug. "Everything is going to be okay, Hales," she promises. I kind of miss her calling me Tutor Girl, in a weird way, all of a sudden.

"Yeah," I nod, standing up, too. I smile tremulously at her. "Okay, I'm going to go fill out my insurance papers for work and stuff." She nods. "Thanks for everything," I tell her, my smile a little more genuine and a little less forced this time.

"You're welcome. Hey, if you need anything, you know where I am. Luke is staying at Karen's tonight, and Tim called, and he's going out 'networking' with some of the people he works with, and if he gets too drunk, he's going to crash in Durham."

"How about I fill out those papers, call and leave Nathan a message, and then I'll meet you downstairs for ice cream and movies?"

She grins. "Sounds terrific."

Thank God for friends like these.

I hate going to see the doctor. Oh, I always have, and probably always will. Especially when you don't know what's wrong, it is just an agonizing trip. Luckily my childhood doctor moved away when he retired a few years ago, so this lady is completely new to me.

"So, Haley, you say you've been experiencing tiredness, occasional vertigo, and you've been throwing up on a regular basis since the end of June, early July?" she asks.

I nod. "That about sums it up."

"Are you sexually active?" she asks, coming to the same conclusion it took Brooke and I a lot longer to come to.

"Yeah, but I've already taken a pregnancy test and it was negative."

She sighs. "Well, too bad, that would've been an easy one to diagnose. But its okay, we'll figure it out. Now," she says, handing me a pee cup, "Why don't you fill this for me, and then we'll proceed with the examination."

I do as I'm told and go off to the bathroom, shutting myself in, enjoying having a few minutes of privacy, even if it is so I can pee in a cup.

I come back out, and a nurse takes the sample. I settle back down on the glorified exam table, and wait for the doctor. She comes back in, smiling in that clueless doctor way when they have no idea how little you really want to be there.

"Okay, so I've ordered a few tests on that so we can officially rule some things out, and since you came in on a day when our lab technician is working, I've put a rush on them, and they should be back within the hour. You've been sick long enough that I'd like to rule these things out now."

I nod, glad for any expediting I'll get on finding out what's wrong with me. "Thank you," I tell her.

"No problem," she smiles. "Okay, the nurse has recorded your vitals, which look good. Your temperature is a little higher than normal, but nothing to freak out about." She does her examination and then turns back to me. "So, I'm thinking you have an intestinal parasite. Not life-threatening, but a pain in the ass nonetheless. If the tests come back as that being the case, we'll get you started on a treatment plan. So, why don't you redress, and I'll be back in when the results come back."

"What if that isn't the case?" I ask, even as I hop down from the counter. "What if it isn't an intestinal parasite, what's the next course of action?"

"Well," she says slowly, "If that's not it, I'd want to do an ultrasound to see if there is some kind of mass that may or may not be cancerous. Look, it could be any number of things, but I'm still leaning towards it being an intestinal parasite that is just really hanging on."

I nod. "Okay, thank you," I smile. She leaves the room, and I get dressed again, sighing. God, intestinal parasites, how gross does that sound? And of course, another option is that it's a tumor? Great, scary possibilities to think of while I wait.

I sit down in one of the chairs provided rather than sit back on the exam table. I've spent enough time up there for the day, thank you very much. I have half a mind to call Nathan or even Brooke, but since I don't know when the doctor will come back in, I don't. I can talk to them once I'm done here.

She comes back in, and I can't read her face. "Well, I'm glad I ordered that UA to be a complete work up," she says, breaking into a smile. I look at her questioningly, not comprehending what she's saying, only that it must not be bad news. "Haley, you're pregnant!"

I stare at her in shock. "What?" I whisper, not knowing what to say, what to do. "But that test I took, it said I wasn't."

She shrugs. "They aren't always 100, unfortunately."

"But it said like 99.9, so that's pretty damn close to 100!" I exclaim, trying to avoid processing this news.

"It does happen, Haley," she asserts, "It could've been a contaminated test, it could've been user error – especially if you were shaky when you were taking it – it could've been any number of things. In any case, you are pregnant, so I'll give you a referral to a very nice OB-GYN that I know."

"Thank you," I manage to stammer out. "Thank you very much." I know that I'd felt a little bereft when I'd found out I wasn't pregnant the first time, but now I don't know what to feel. I guess a part of me is happy – this is Nathan's baby – but I'm scared, too. Everything in my life is so up in the air, and I don't know where this baby is going to fit into things.

She gives me the referral, and I stumble out to my car, unsure what to do, where to go. I have the presence of mind to check my phone, and see that I have five messages from Nathan. He knew I was going to the doctor today, and I'm sure he's worried. I should call him and Brooke and let them know that I am fine, and what's going on, but I'm not ready to talk to them yet.

Instead, I get in the car and drive. I end up in front of the café, and although it was sort of a subconscious thing, I quickly realize this is exactly where I need to be – with my surrogate mom.

"Hi Haley," Karen smiles as I walk through the door. Eric is sitting at the counter coloring, and it reminds me of Luke and I when we were a little older. We spent a lot of time sitting at that counter. "Please don't tell me you missed your second day of work," she says, sounding confused.

I shake my head. "No, I was there this morning. The hours are pretty lenient, and I had a doctor's appointment this afternoon that I had to go to."

She raises her eyebrows at me. "Is everything okay? Just a check-up, I presume." Eric hasn't noticed me yet, he's so engrossed in his coloring, so Karen points me out to him and he runs at me, launching himself to me.

"Hi baby," I grin, kissing his cheek noisily. I set him back down, and he climbs back up on his stool to resume coloring. "Anyways," I say, turning back to Karen, "It was basically a check-up. I've been sick for awhile, some sort of stomach flu, and so everyone was tired of me whining about it, so I saw the doctor."

"I hope it isn't anything serious," she says, twisting the rag in her hands nervously. "I really don't know what I'd do," she sighs, waiting for me to fill her in.

I sit down on the stool next to Eric. "Karen, I'm pregnant," I whisper in a rush, needing to get it out to someone.

"Oh, honey," she sighs, walking around the counter to hug me. It feels so good and comforting to have her arms around me that I can almost make myself believe that things will be okay, no matter how everyone else – Nathan in particular – react to this news.

"I took a home test yesterday," I babble, not ready to talk about how I'm feeling about being pregnant, "Because Brooke thought maybe that was it. And you know, the second she handed me the box, it made so much sense. It really did. I'd been sick since late June, which would put it at the night of the draft, and I've been tired, dizzy, and sick. It just made so much sense that I wondered how I couldn't have thought of it, you know?"

"Oh, honey, so you've known since yesterday and you're just now telling me?" she sighs, concerned.

I shake my head. "The test was negative. The doctor assumes it was either contaminated or I made some kind of error, which is possible, I was pretty out of it and overwhelmed by the whole thing. I might not have been as meticulous as usual."

"How are you doing now? This must've been one hell of a twenty-four hour period for you, I'm guessing."

I nod. "It's been hard. I hadn't thought about being pregnant at all until I looked at the box yesterday, and then while we waited for the results, all I could was freak out about how Nathan would react, and how it was too soon, and how we weren't ready for kids. But it said negative, and I was sad."

"Well, so you're happy about this?"

I shrug. "I don't know, a part of me, yeah. It's Nathan's baby, Karen, and I've always pictured myself with little mini-Nathans." She laughs. "But we just got back together less than a month ago, and we haven't made any plans beyond me flying up to see him when he's on the east coast for a weekend game. Not exactly the hallmark of two people who should be having a child together, right?"

She grins. "Well, sometimes the unplanned ones turn out the best. Look at both Nathan and Luke," she points out, "And somehow, I'm guessing you weren't planned either."

"Definitely not," I agree, laughing.

"Hawey's having a baby?" Eric asks, suddenly interested in me, "But I'm your baby."

"Aw," I smile at Karen as I turn back towards him, "I know you're my baby, baby. You always will be, too." I lift him onto my lap. "But I'm going to have a baby that will live with me. You'll kind of be it's big brother, okay?"

He shrugs, going back to coloring again. Karen looks at me. "How does he know what pregnant means?" she whispers.

"TV," he announces, and Karen rolls her eyes, "Lucas's TV show."

"Uh huh," Karen nods, "And what TV show is this, young man?"

"Um, I don't know. But one man is mawwying his sister who isn't his sister anymore," he says, proud of himself for remembering, "And she's the one having the baby!"

I can't help it – I laugh. "Luke is watching soap operas with him! Brooke and I got hooked on that show a couple of summers ago since it was on during lunch," I explain to Karen.

She glances at Eric. "Well, I think we're going to have to have a little talk with your brother," she sighs. She looks back at me. "Marrying his sister? Really?"

"Well, they aren't actually related," I laugh, "They just grew up thinking that, but they went to different boarding schools, so they didn't really know each other."

"Oh," she says, looking confused, "Okay." It's so nice to have this silly little conversation to distract me from the seriousness of this new situation I'm in. "So," she says, shaking herself away from thoughts of Luke's influence on Eric, "What are you going to do?"

"Keep it, of course," I answer automatically.

She laughs a little. "I knew that, Haley." She hugs me again. "Honestly, there was never any doubt in my mind from the second that you told me. I mean what are you going to do in terms of your life? This is a huge responsibility you'll have now."

I nod, because I really do know that. This is going to change practically every single aspect of my life in ways I can only imagine. Even relationships I have now will change because of this, and I have to find a way to deal with it.

"I know, it's going to be hard," I sigh, "And I don't even know how everyone will react. I mean, how do I tell Nathan? God, Karen, you know, he and I have only been back together for a little less than a month. This is so much, and so soon."

She nods. "Well, you'll figure it out. You'll have to. When are you going to tell everyone?"

"I don't know, obviously I have to tell Nathan first, but I want to do that in person, and I don't know if I'll see him before Thanksgiving. That's a month and a half away. I'd be five months along then, and I can't wait that long to tell him."

"When are you due?" she asks, smiling. I think she's secretly excited about this, but doesn't want to let on because she's not entirely sure how I feel yet.

I shrug, smiling back at her. "I don't know yet. I have to call and set up an appointment with this OB-GYN I was referred to, and I guess I'll find out then. I don't know much about how this works. I only know the before and after."

She laughs. "Well, I think you'll enjoy the during, too."

The café door opens, and Karen and I both smile happily to see that it is just Deb and not a customer.

"Hi Deb," I smile, giving her a hug. Nathan called and told her that he and I were on again, and he said he hadn't heard her that pleased with him in a long time.

She hugs me back, and smiles at Karen. "It's good to see both of you, and you," she says, to Eric, ruffling his hair, "It's good to see you, too, little man."

He turns and smiles at her, and does it: "Haley's having a baby, but I'll still be her baby, too. But this baby will live with her."

My mouth drops open and I feel Deb's gaze swivel to me. I glance at Karen who just shrugs as if to say 'he's four, what can I do?'

"It's true?" Deb asks me, and I reluctantly drag my gaze back to her. "Are you pregnant? With Nathan's baby?"

I nod, kind of disappointed that I haven't told Nathan yet, and knowing I've painted myself into a corner in terms of when I'll need to tell him. "I am, I just found out today."

She has tears in her eyes, and I suspect she's happy with this news. "Does Nathan know yet?" she sniffles out. Karen picks Eric up and takes him in the back since there are no customers here currently. She squeezes Deb's hand as she walks by.

I shake my head. "No, I didn't even know it was a possibility until yesterday, and the test I took said negative. The doctor ran another one today, though, and it was positive."

"I'm going to be a grandmother," she sniffles again, brushing tears off her cheeks. "Oh, my, my son, my baby is going to have a baby himself." She laughs a little at this.

"Is this okay? I mean, you don't completely hate the idea of this?" I ask, a little worried still, even though she seems excited by the possibility. Or certainty, I guess.

"Oh, honey, you know we'll love any grandchild, even if it does seem a little unplanned. It was unplanned, right?"

I laugh. "Oh, yeah." I blush a little over talking about this with my boyfriend's mom, but I've known Deb long enough that it isn't too awkward. "I, um, I don't know for sure yet, but I am assuming I got pregnant the night of the draft."

She blinks in surprise. "Well, so you're almost three months along then." I nod. "Have you been feeling ill lately?"

"All along," I sigh, "And that's why it is so stupid that I didn't even have a clue as to it being this until yesterday when Brooke bought me the test."

"How are you with all of this?" she asks carefully, "This must've been quite a shock, obviously unplanned, right?"

I nod. "Yeah, unplanned, but not unwelcome, I guess. It'll take some getting used to, and I have a lot to figure out, and Nathan will have a lot to figure out, I'm sure, but it will work. It has to," I say simply.

"I know you can both do this. When are you going to tell him?" she asks, and I'm surprised she waited this long to ask that question. I'm sure it's been burning since she first heard the news.

"As soon as possible, but I don't want it to be over the phone. I'm just – I'm going to have to think things through, and maybe – maybe I don't need this job. Maybe I'll need to quit now, and then I can fly to Seattle and tell him in person."

She looks at me intently. "You should think long and hard on that; quitting your job, I mean. You wouldn't want to do something that you'll regret later, or even resent, maybe."

I nod, knowing she's right. "I know, and I'll think about it, very seriously. Now, for now would you keep this quiet? I want to tell Nathan before anyone else finds out, and I think he might like to tell Dan himself."

She nods. "Of course, sweetie. He'll want to tell everyone himself, I'm sure." She gives me another hug. "You know, you will be an excellent mother."

I blush, I know I do. "Thanks, Deb."

"You're welcome, and if you need anything, you should pick up the phone or stop by to see me, I mean it. You're always welcome, and I'll always help you in any way I can."

"Thanks so much," I tell her, reaching out for another hug. I'm feeling surprisingly better after talking to her and Karen, and knowing for sure that I have their unqualified support. It's always good to know you have someone – or two someone's – in your corner.

"You're welcome. Now, do me one favor – tell Nathan soon so I can start shopping for baby items," she smiles, "And do yourself the favor of telling him before Eric tells the whole town. That child is getting very good at repeating what he hears."

I laugh with her. "I will, maybe this weekend I can fly out to wherever he'll be and tell him then. He needs to know now," I agree.

"Okay, well, you look tired, sweetie, so I'm going to stop harassing you. I was just stopping by to show Karen some data I've compiled on opening a second café here in Tree Hill. Amazing that this town has grown enough that it might be warranted to open a second café," she mutters with a shake of her head. "I love you, honey, you take care of yourself and that baby." I smile at her as she walks to the back. Eric comes running out and stands in front me.

"What's up, buttercup?" I ask him.

"I'm sorry, Hawey," he sighs, his eyes downcast, "Mommy says I shouldn't have said what you said cuz it's not nice. So sorry."

I kneel down in front of him. "It's okay, kiddo, I don't mind." I give him a hug and kiss, and move behind the counter to fix him a glass of hot cocoa.

Deb and Karen come out. "You know, Haley," Karen says, "If you decide you want to stay closer to home, you could always manage the new café. Deb and I looked over everything, and we've decided it will be worth the risk to go for it."

I look up, surprised. Don't know why I am, but there it is, I am. "Wow, thanks you two. I'll have to think about that. I really appreciate the offer." I hug them both again. "You know, I'd better get home. I'm tired, and I haven't eaten since breakfast – and I threw that up – but I've got start taking better care of myself."

"Yes, you do," they say in unison, immediately. I smile at their fervor, kiss Eric on the forehead, and wave as I walk out of the café.

I know that I'm going to have to tell Brooke tonight. It's either that or lie to her, and I know I can't do the second. But there is no way she'll let me get away without mentioning what happened at the doctor's office today. I drive home, kind of hoping that neither Tim nor Luke will be there, but knowing both probably will. It would just be easier to do this with neither of them around, like last night.

"Lucy, I'm home!" I jokingly yell as I walk through the front door. My spirits have definitely been buoyed by the encounters with Karen and Deb this afternoon, and knowing what is causing me to be sick is also a weight off of my chest, as well.

Brooke comes running down the stairs. "Hey, saw your car, what happened at the doctor? You're going to be okay, right?" It is only now that I notice the look of fear that is present on her face, and the nervous way she's gnawing on her bottom lip. It's only now that I realize that she has been truly scared and worried for me, and it breaks something in me to know that.

"Oh, Tigger, I'm just fine," I tell her, opening my arms. Things have changed between Brooke and me since she married Lucas. Not in a bad way; they're just different. But I think that's hurt both of us, especially Brooke. "Let's go upstairs," I suggest, "I'll tell you what's going on without the guys around."

"Oh, they went over to Rivercourt to hang out," she says, waving a hand dismissively. A little of the worry has left her face at my proclamation of being fine, but she still looks nervous.

"Well, let's go in the kitchen. I need all the food I can get now that I'm eating for two," I drop casually, and she walks beside me for a few steps before stopping short.

"Shut up!" she exclaims, "You're pregnant! But that test yesterday…"

"I know!" I laugh, "It said I wasn't, but the doctor ordered a complete work up on my urine sample, and apparently they always check for pregnancy in females, even if only so they know when prescribing medication."

"Wow," she sighs, smiling, "I'm so happy for you!" She sits me down. "I'll make us some pasta or something. You can still eat pasta, right?"

I laugh. "Tigger, I think the only thing I can't do is drink alcohol now. I don't think pasta is on some weird off-limits list."

"Okay, good," she grins, "Um, oh, you need to drink milk. Yeah, lots of milk, it's good for you and the baby. Oh, and I can't just feed you pasta, I need to cook some chicken, too, so you get some protein. Oh, and you should be eating fish – I think they have folic acid, which is like really good for babies."

"Brooke, settle down. I think it'll be fine if I just eat some pasta and maybe a little salad tonight. One more night isn't going to make or break things. Tomorrow, I'll get a baby book, and we can look through it and see what I should be eating."

Her face lights up. "That reminds me!" She grabs her school bag, which is sitting on the chair next to mine, and pulls out another brown paper sack.

"I hope that's not another pregnancy test," I joke, "I'm sick of peeing for accuracy, okay?"

She laughs. "No, no, just open it up!" I take the sack, and pull out a copy of "What To Expect When You're Expecting". I glance up at her in surprise and delight. "Well, I got it yesterday when I got the test. I figured if you were pregnant, it would be your first gift. Since you weren't, I was going to take it back. I'm glad I didn't," she laughs.

"Me, too," I agree, wiping my eyes, "This is really sweet, Tigger, I love it. I'm going to put it in my briefcase so that the guys don't see it." She looks at me questioningly. "I can't tell them until I tell Nathan. It's bad enough that I've told Karen and Eric, who in turn told Deb. I'm sure Nathan would've enjoyed telling his mom himself, but Eric is at this age where he's apparently repeating everything people say. By the way, did you know that your husband has started watching our favorite daytime soap?"

She rolls her eyes. "I think he's watched it longer than we have, actually. But don't worry, I won't say anything until you're ready for people to know. When are you going to tell Nathan?"

"Hopefully this weekend. I need to figure out where he's going to be, and meet him there. I have to tell him in person, you know?"

She nods. "Okay, good. Sooner you tell him, the sooner I can start buying baby stuff! Oh, my gosh, Hales, the store where I got this book is amazing. They have the most beautiful things. Oh, are you having a girl or a boy? I kind of hope it's a girl, don't you? I don't know if I can deal with the presence of another Scott male in my life," she laughs, "Oh, and when are you due? Have they done an amniocentesis? Have you heard the heartbeat?"

Her questions are more than a little overwhelming. "I haven't even seen my OB-GYN yet," I tell her, "So I won't know any of those things until I do. Hell, I don't even actually have an OB-GYN yet, just a referral. Deb said the same thing, about telling Nathan so she could shop, I mean."

"Oh, me and her will so have to have a shower for you," Brooke grins, and judging by the glazed over look to her eyes, she's already started planning.

"Well, let's start with dinner tonight. I am actually really hungry for a change, so I might as well take advantage of this whole eating for two thing, right?"

She laughs. "Hell, yeah, and I might even do some sympathy eating for two while we're all at it."

I stand up, walking to the refrigerator. "Well, we have some chicken, some mushrooms, some broccoli, some cream, and some parmesan cheese, so why don't I make chicken fettuccine for us tonight?" I suggest.

"Why don't you show me how so that next time I can be the one to make it," she suggests. Her cooking really is limited to boiling pasta and using the microwave.

"If you want to learn, I'm more than happy to teach you," I smile. The boys come in awhile later, joking around about who had the better game. Brooke and I have gotten dinner almost finished, as just the bread is warming and the noodles are cooking.

"Hey, look at this," Luke grins, "Hales cooked!"

I shake my head. "Brooke did most of it, I just directed traffic. And showed her how to use the knife so she wouldn't slice her finger off," I laugh.

Tim high-fives Brooke and Luke gives her a kiss. "About time you learned to cook," he teases her. "It smells great."

"Well, good, if you're nice, I might give you some," she quips.

"I'm ready to do some serious ass-kissing if necessary," Tim says with a grin, "Because I worked up an appetite out there, and I need some nourishment now."

I shake my head. "You know, this is the first time in about a month that we've all been here together at the same time. How cool is that?"

"It has been a long time," Luke grins, slinging an arm over my shoulder, "Some days I only see you at breakfast as you run through here like a whirlwind."

"Some of us have jobs and lives, hot shot," I tease, poking him in the side. "We know how to take responsibility for ourselves."

"Oh, speaking of responsibility," Brooke chimes in as she drains the pasta, "Guess who got offered the option of buying Doc Smith's vet practice when he retires in the spring?"

"No way! Brooke, congratulations!" I squeal, hugging Luke in excitement, "I'm so proud of you! And you thought he didn't realize how awesome you were those summers you interned for him!"

"I know, I'm excited. He's retiring, so instead of starting my own place, I can buy his and have his customers, instead of having to compete with him and buy brand new equipment. This is awesome. I just have to hit mommy and daddy up for a loan, which should be no problem."

"Good job, bunny," Luke grins, using one of his many, many pet names for her. Tim and I roll our eyes at each other as they kiss, the pasta forgotten in the sink.

"Okay, let's eat!" I cry, as Luke begins to back her up against the cupboard, "You two can have a personal celebration elsewhere, in a room that I'm not in, thanks."

Luke blushes and Brooke grins as they pull apart. Brooke grabs plates down, and we all go to work filling them. True to what I told Brooke earlier, I'm starving, and subsequently eat for two, which earns plenty of teasing from both Luke and Tim. But I'm in a good enough of mood that it just rolls right over me, and I just smile good-naturedly.

It's a good night, and we hang out together for awhile until I beg off, citing tiredness. It's true, I am tired, but my main object is to go up to my room, and find a flight on the internet. Nathan will be in Indianapolis for a game on Saturday, so that's where I'm going to try and meet him.

I purchase the tickets, and then pick up the phone and dial his number. "Hey sexy, I was just thinking of you," he says into the phone.

"And what were you thinking exactly?" I tease.

"How much I was missing you, actually. How are you feeling? Oh, how was the doctor's appointment?" I knew he'd ask, so at least I have an answer planned.

"It was fine, and I'm fine. In fact, I'm so fine, that I get to come see you this weekend in Indianapolis," I grin to myself.

"Wait, hold up. Slow down. You're so fine that you are coming to see me? Why does it seem like there's more to the story?" he wonders.

"Because there is," I admit, "But it isn't anything bad, Nathan, I promise. I just want to see you."

"You sure things are fine?" he asks, sounding concerned still, "Because if you're coming here to tell me face to face that you have some scary, long-named disease, that's not fine. You know that, right?"

"Nathan, I don't have any diseases. I'm fine. I need to see you."

His relief is practically palpable, even through the phone, as he lets out the breath he's been holding in. "Okay, well, I need to see you, too. Always do, you know?"

"Yeah, I know," I smile.

"So, you're really okay?" he asks again, his breathing returning to normal, "Because you know I couldn't stand it if you weren't."

"I'm really okay. Really, really." He laughs. "Mm, I can't wait to see you again. It feels like forever."

"I know," he sighs, "I miss you, too. Only three days, though, assuming you'll be there Saturday?"

"Yeah, I'll get there in the afternoon. I know we won't have a whole lot of time together since you'll be busy with the game, but I wanted to see you."

"I'll take whatever time I can get," he reasons. "Baby, I've got to go, we have a late practice tonight, and the traffic here is so bad it sometimes takes me a half hour to get fifteen blocks. That's like, two miles or so."

"Okay," I laugh, "You have a good practice. Have a good game tomorrow, too. Love you."

"Love you, too."

We hang up, and I'm suddenly excited to tell him. Still terrified, sure, but I'm also excited. Maybe he'll surprise me and be really happy, or maybe he'll be really excited. I don't know exactly what he'll be, but he couldn't be upset, right?


	19. Living On A Prayer

**Chapter Nineteen –_ Living on a Prayer_**__

'Oh, oh,  
We're halfway there,  
Oh, oh,  
Livin' on a prayer,  
Take my hand and we'll make it - I swear,  
Oh, oh,  
Livin' on a prayer' – Bon Jovi

Late September, 2010

"Even though we ain't got money, I'm so in love with you honey," I sing along with my iPod as I wait for Nathan in his hotel room. Normally, he'd be doubling up with one of the other guys on the team, but he opted to get his own room since I'll be in town tonight, which I admittedly appreciate, especially since I have something beyond major to tell him.

I'm so nervous about this it isn't even funny. I turn the iPod off, and set it down on my suitcase, and change into a teeny tiny tank top and strip down to my panties. I've never been into the frilly lingerie stuff, and in the morning, I'd rather wake up in these or one of Nathan's shirts.

The hotel room is nice; it gives me a beautiful setting for this revelation to occur in, at least. I've ordered a special, theme dinner that I'm hoping will at least give him a clue as to what my news is, but I'm not holding my breath. Guys never seem to pick up on hints like this one.

Everything is set up – Nathan should be getting here any minute now, and I've got everything in order. Of course, that doesn't stop me from nervously fiddling with everything as I walk around the room. I don't know what I think to accomplish by it, but at least it keeps me busy.

Nathan met me at the airport this afternoon. I'd been sick on the plane, a combination of early afternoon morning sickness and the turbulence on the plane. Nathan took one look at me and freaked out, demanding to know what was wrong with me. I managed to placate him, explaining the turbulence, and he gave in and stopped harassing me, but still looked nervous, as if he's convinced I have some other funky disease.

He didn't want to go to his game – he had wanted to stay and play nurse for me, but I convinced him I was fine, and managed to get him out the door. It isn't that his concern isn't appreciated, but between Brooke, Karen, and Deb, I've barely been able to sneeze without someone fawning and fussing over me. The attention was nice the first day, but quickly wore thin. Plus, it was so obvious that both Tim and Luke were starting to ask questions.

I can hear him swiping his card, and sure enough the door opens. "Hey gorgeous," I smile, getting up to greet him. I walk over, and as soon as he has the door shut behind him, my arms are around his neck, and I've pressed him up against the wall, kissing him.

"Hey," he gasps out when I pull away to kiss his neck and loosen the tie of his suit that he wore to the post-game conference, "That's a greeting I could get used to."

"Mm," I practically purr, "Me, too." God, these pregnancy hormones are really something, aren't they? "I've missed you," I sigh, holding him tighter.

"I've missed you, too, Haley J. You okay?" he asks, concerned, even as he runs his hand down my bare thigh. "You feel okay," he teases.

I laugh. "I should hope so!"

I pull his tie over his head, and go to work unbuttoning his shirt so that I can slide it off with his jacket. "You've really missed me, haven't you?" he jokes, as he slides his hands up under my tank top.

"You know I have," I breathe, kissing his chest. I don't know why I can't just tell him first, but for some reason, I can't.

"Haley?" he asks, pulling away. I groan at the loss of his hands and mouth on my skin. I glance up at him. "Baby, let's save that for dessert," he says as he eyes the covered platters of food.

I sigh. "Okay, dessert it is. God, I feel like an ass, of course you're hungry." He laughs. "Okay, sit down," I tell him, indicating his chair. I'm still feeling sick, so I doubt I'll eat much, and therefore set the food closer to his chair. He complies, and I take the lids off the food.

"Looks good," he smiles, pulling me onto his lap so he can kiss me.

"Feels good," I reply, moving to straddle him. He laughs and sets me off his lap. "Look what you started," I complain, "And then end!"

"Someone needs to be a little more patient," he kids.

"Hey, I can be patient, but I've really missed you lately, and I don't know if I want to be patient right now," I laugh, letting a little petulance seep into my voice that is mostly filled with yearning.

I sit back down in my seat as he grins at me. "Yeah, well, good things come to those who wait," he promises, his voice husky and sexy. He glances at the food in front of him. "What's with the food?" I should've known he wouldn't have gotten it. Plus, maybe this is not the way to tell someone whose views on fatherhood are even known that he'll be a father in six months.

"There's kind of, um, a hidden message behind it," I tell him, unsure if this was even a remotely good idea all of a sudden.

He looks at me questioningly. "A message? In food?" Damn, I've really confused him. "Haley, are you sure you're feeling okay?"

I laugh – I can't help it, I have to laugh at that question. "Nathan, I meant I'm trying to tell you something with what I ordered, not the food is talking to me," I laugh harder at his expression.

"Okay, so I'm supposed to get some message from you out of the food selection?" he asks, still obviously thinking I'm crazy or delusional or both.

"Yeah, exactly. Okay, it's stupid," I admit, "And not nearly as cutesy as I thought it would be, so we can just forget it."

"No way," he laughs, shaking his head, "I want to do this. You've got me intrigued, Haley J, and now I feel like I have to solve the mystery."

"God," I groan, my head falling into my hands. I can't believe I was stupid enough to think this was a good idea.

"Hey, come on, I don't know what you're trying to tell me yet, but it's a cute idea," he asserts, and I almost feel marginally better. Almost.

I laugh, "Well, hopefully you're still thinking that when you realize what I'm trying to tell you." God, I hope he's still smiling then.

"I'm sure I will be," he smiles, glancing down at the food. "Okay, so what do we have here? It looks like baby corn – I know that one. Um, those look like baby shrimp, and that's veal. Which is – veal is – " He looks up at me sharply. "You're trying to say I'm your baby, right?" I don't say anything. "Right? You aren't trying to say the other thing I think you're trying to say, are you?"

I look downward, unsure now of what to do, what to say. He doesn't seem thrilled with the possibility, and I don't know how to work with that.

"Nathan," I begin, but he's shaking his head, standing up.

"God, Haley, we used protection every goddamn time! How the hell could this have happened? Damn it, we can't have a kid now!"

This is everything I didn't want to hear, and more. I don't even know how to respond to this, so I sit here quietly, just staring at my hands, willing myself not to cry. I don't know why, but I just sense my tears won't help anything.

"Why aren't you saying anything?" he pleads, "Come on, Haley, say it's a joke! It's a joke right, just a joke? If you tell me now, I'll still laugh."

I shake my head and let the tears spill over. Right now, I don't care about making him feel bad with my tears, like I know they will. I don't care if we just got back together and things are still tenuous. I don't care. He should at least quit begging me to say it's a joke, and start working on acceptance.

"It's a baby, not a bomb," I bite out, pissed and hurt and a whole myriad of other things that I can't even pinpoint right now.

He shakes his head. "It might as well be a bomb." I just gape at him, unwilling to believe he'd be this insensitive. I wipe my tears off.

"I can't believe you," I hiss, "You're acting like your life is over! You're acting like you are going to have to quit your dream job so that you can have a job where you can watch the baby all day! You are acting like you'll be the one who gets fat and ugly and undesirable! You're acting like you're the one who will spend God knows how many hours in labor trying to squeeze out a watermelon! And you're not the one who has spent the last three months worth of mornings puking in bathrooms, on the side of the road, in garbage cans!"

"Haley," he sighs, looking chagrined, "Come on, don't be like that! I didn't say anything that bad, come on."

"Don't be like what, Nathan? Disappointed that you can't at least pretend to be sympathetic? Sad that you can't even summon up a twinge of happiness? Frustrated that you act like your life is really going to change so much? Angry that you treat me like I asked you to change something? What do you want me to do?"

"I'm sorry," he whispers, contrite. He stands up and moves over to me, kneeling by my chair. "Come on, baby, you just shocked me. You've had God knows how long to process this, and you drop it on me now like it's nothing. And on top of that, you want me to jump up and do a happy dance!"

I stand up, moving away from him. I'd all but forgotten I am only wearing the tank top and panties, but I really don't give a rat's ass right now.

"You know what, Nathan? I've had four days to process this. Four. You would've had four, too, if I hadn't felt it would be completely assy to tell you over the phone. So I waited, and I paid the outrageous last minute fees so I could fly up here and tell you in person! Now, did I expect you to jump around and be thrilled? No, because I know how you feel – this is a shock, and it is damn soon, and hey, it's even inconvenient. But it's a reality, Nathan, and it doesn't go away because it makes you nervous, or uncomfortable, and damn it, I could've used just a tiny bit of support from you!"

He follows me and grabs my arm, dragging me over to the bed. "Sit," he orders, and I do, but don't stop glaring at him. "I'm sorry I didn't react how you wanted." I start to interrupt, but he holds a hand up, and I let him go on. "I'm sorry. I just – Haley, we are barely back together. Less than a month now, and you're telling me you're pregnant. I don't know what to do with that!"

"I'm sorry, too. Maybe I shouldn't have sprung it on you. Maybe I should've sent an email, I don't know, Nathan! What do you want me to say?" It hurts that he still hasn't asked any of the pertinent questions. "God, do you still want me to say it's a joke?"

He shakes his head. "No, no, I'm sorry about that. I really am. It's just that I had no idea, Haley. I mean, as far as I knew, we'd used a condom every damn time, and it wasn't even a possibility! How am I supposed to react?"

I shrug. "I don't know, but I know this isn't it." I stand up and walk to the other side of the bed, throwing the covers back and getting in. I know I'll end up crying myself to sleep now, but it beats the alternative of staying up and crying in front of him. The bed shifts under his weight, and my emotions erupt in tears – sobbing, loud tears – when he puts his arms around, fitting his body against mine.

He brushes the hair that has fallen onto my face away, and kisses me on the chick. "I'm sorry I upset you, baby, I really am." I nod, indicating I heard him. "Come on, roll over and talk to me." I shake my head this time, not ready to face him. "Baby, please, we have to talk about this, Haley, we do."

I roll over, giving in. He blanches when he sees the tears on my face. "I don't want to do this right now, Nathan. I don't want to fight with you anymore, not about this."

"No more fighting," he promises, "But we still need to talk. Like adults, okay? We can do that, can't we?"

I sigh, giving in again, this time against my better judgment. "Fine, we can talk. What would you like to talk about?" I ask stiffly.

He sighs, and I know I'm frustrating him, but I couldn't give a shit right now. "I want to know what your plans are."

I look hard at him, narrowing my eyes. "I plan on quitting my job, and taking the position of managing the new café your mom and Karen are opening."

"They know?" he asks, sighing. He looks angry that they know, but I don't care. I don't care how angry he gets about any of this – it takes two to tango, and he was a more than willing participant.

"Yeah, Nathan, they know, and they didn't act like complete dickheads about it. In fact, they happened to realize that I was visibly scared and unsure, and they comforted and supported me. More than you can say," I spit out bitterly.

He lifts a hand up and lays it on my cheek. "I'm sorry, Haley, come on, temporary insanity. I was shocked, I didn't know how to react."

"Yeah, well you did a stellar job. Really great, I appreciate it a lot," I mutter sarcastically. He rubs his fingers over my cheek, hypnotizing my anger out of me. "Nathan, please, not now. I'm tired, and I need to sleep."

"This is why you've been so sick and tired?" he asks, leaning over to kiss where his fingers had been tracing. I nod. "I'm sorry I contributed to you being sick," he says sincerely.

"Oh, Nathan," I cry, "It wasn't supposed to be this way. You think I expected to be pregnant right out of college when I just got my first big job? Come on, or when my boyfriend lives clear across the country in a city I've never even been to before? Yeah, this is just my first choice of how things would be when I had a child."

"So you don't want it either?" he asks, still tracing a pattern on my cheek.

I gasp, jerking away from him. "I didn't say that," I yell, my voice steely, "And I never even thought it! Sure, I have thought about how hard things will be – don't get me wrong, I'm a realist. But I never thought or said I didn't want this baby!"

"I didn't mean it like that," he says, following me to the edge of the bed where I'm sitting, "I just meant that you were as surprised as I was."

"That wasn't what you said," I point out with a calm belying my actual temperament. I'm so upset right now I could throw him out the window.

"I know it wasn't," he says quietly from beside me, "But I didn't mean it, not how I said it. Just – just know that. I wasn't trying to insinuate that – "

"That what? I should have an abortion? Because I'm not going to, Nate! I'm not. I know it wasn't planned, and it's obvious you don't want it, but I'm not having an abortion!"

He holds his hands up. "I didn't say I wanted that, Haley," he points out, "So come on. This is hard on both of us, you have to remember that."

"I know it is. I do. But you say shit like that, and it hurts, Nathan. It does, that hurts. I know you didn't want this now, and I know you certainly weren't expecting or planning this, but it's here, and you have to deal with it."

"Yeah, I know." He hesitantly lays a hand on my leg. "When – I mean, which time was it?" he asks, finally moving to a topic that might indicate he is at least trying to be supportive here.

"Draft night," I answer, "One of those times."

"Good night," he says, smiling. I nod; it was a good night. That night gave me courage to finally tell him how I felt, how I'd always felt, even when I wouldn't acknowledge it to myself. "How come everything is always so hard for us?" he wonders.

I shrug. "Maybe we make it hard," I suggest, figuring that's probably not too far from the truth.

"Yeah, probably. Look, I'm really sorry about how I reacted to everything. That was pretty crappy of me, and I understand why you're pissed."

"I'm not pissed, Nathan," I begin, trying to make him get it, "I'm just hurt that you can't even get past the changes this is going to cause. I wish you would've taken it better, but hey, you're entitled to your reactions."

He shrugs. "Maybe, but still, I shouldn't have acted the way I did. Totally uncalled for, and I feel like a complete moron for saying that junk I said. I am sorry, Haley J. I didn't mean to hurt you with what I said."

I don't doubt that – he probably is sorry. But it doesn't change anything, and if he feels this strongly about it, them maybe he doesn't want to be a part of this child's life, and therefore my life anymore.

"I know you are. But God, Nathan, if you don't want anything to do with this child, then I – I don't know what to do."

"I didn't say that, Haley. God, I'm going to be here for you, and support you through all of this. I know it doesn't seem like it, but I'll be here for you, and I won't make you feel like I am upset about this. Surprised, yeah, but not upset, okay?"

I want to believe him, I really do, but after his reaction, it is so hard to do so. "Nathan, I don't know. It's just, you so obviously aren't happy with this, and I don't want to pressure you into being something, doing something you don't want!"

"What, being a father? Come on," he scoffs, "You know I've wanted to be a dad. I mean, I like kids! I just wasn't expecting us to have kids yet."

And he says the one thing that has the power to melt my resolve, make me forget I'm mad at him. He has thought about us having kids – how can my heart not melt at that?

"God, Nathan, don't make this – don't make me like you again," I mutter, half choking and half laughing as I say it, "This isn't funny."

He smiles. "No, it's not, but it's okay. And hey, we love each other, Haley, if we could find our way back after everything that's happened over four years, we can figure this out. We'll be okay, I believe that."

He pulls me to him, and I nod against his chest. "Just when things seemed to be calming down and getting on track, something else happen to send things spinning of their orbit," I sigh.

"Hey, we're older now, wiser. We can deal with this, Haley. I'm so sorry for how I acted when you told me. I mean it. You have to know that."

I wrap my arms around him. "I know. And you don't have to be thrilled about it. Maybe I just was able to be more excited because I got a false negative when I took the home test, and I realized I was a little sad by that."

"You took a home test?" he questions, running a hand through his hair, "God, I don't know anything about what happened. Tell me now."

We lay back on the bed together. "Brooke bought me a home test on Monday. I hadn't even thought about this being a possibility before then. But God, when I saw that box, it all hit home. That's why I was sick, usually mainly in the mornings, that's why I was so tired all the time, that's why I was gaining a little weight, even though I threw up all the time. It just crystallized."

"Were you happy when you realized that it was a strong possibility?"

I laugh. "No, I was terrified, Nathan. All I could think was that we'd just gotten back together, and everything is still so unsure. I mean, yeah, I love you more than anything, and I know you love me, but nothing is solidified, you know?" He nods against my shoulder. "I was just scared that things would be messed up."

"You said it came back negative the first time?" he asks. He's running his hand up and down my side, which is comforting and soothing, but also a little distracting.

"Yeah, it did. And I was a little sad. I didn't know why – it should've been a relief, right? But not only did that mean something else was still wrong with me, but I guess a part of me was sad I wasn't having your child."

"Aw, sweetie," he sighs, wrapping his arms tighter around me. I don't know, maybe hearing how I found out is making it easier for him to understand why I'm not upset about this. "Did you find out at your doctor's appointment the next day?"

"Yeah, the doctor ordered the full work up on my urine analysis, and I guess they automatically check for pregnancy for each female they work up, just in case. So, they found it, and the doctor said it was probably user error or a contaminated test that gave me the negative."

"How'd Mom find out?" he asks, his hand now idly stroking my stomach. I gather it is an unconscious thing, but it is sweet nonetheless and it gives me hope that sooner than later, he'll accept and love that I'm having his baby.

"Well, I went to the café – I had to tell Karen. I knew she'd get that I was scared, but happy at the same time. And I wanted to tell you first, I really did, but I wanted to tell you in person, too." He nods, kissing my shoulder. His hand is still tracing lazy circles under my tank top. "Eric was in the room, and when your mom came in, he told her my news. He's started repeating everything that is said in front of him."

Nathan chuckles. "God, that kid is priceless. Did he tell Keith and Luke, too?" he asks slowly, and I think he's afraid that more people knew before he did.

"No, Karen threatened to take all his toys away and never let him eat cake again. He cried when he apologized for blabbing to your mom," I smile.

"I guess Brooke knows," he sighs, and I know he's irritated by that.

"I couldn't not tell her. She knew I was going to the doctor, and she was worried it was something serious. I couldn't let her worry."

"How'd she take it? Crap, how'd Mom take it?"

I smile. "Your mom was really great. I think she was actually excited by the idea of grandchildren, if you can believe that. But yeah, she offered me any help I needed. She was awesome. And Brooke was Brooke. Started ordering me around, is learning how to cook so I don't have to, just basically being the really great friend she is."

"I'm glad you have them to take care of you since I'm not around. Maybe I can worry a little less now," he says, "But then again, maybe not. God, how can I not be around for this?"

I laugh. "You shouldn't worry, everything will be fine, Nathan. We have great friends and family, and we'll make it work. I know we will."

"Well, what are we going to do? Where will you and the baby live? When are you due? God, what if it's during basketball season and I can't be there with you? I'll probably miss a lot of your doctor's appointments, you know," he warns, sighing, "And who will put the crib together? God, Haley, how are we going to do this?"

"Nathan," I start, trying not to laugh at his worry, "It'll be okay. I promise. We'll figure all these things out. I mean, I haven't even seen an OB-GYN yet, so I don't know the due date, but it should be in March. And I'll make Brooke video everything you can't make it to, okay?" He nods, kissing my shoulder again.

"Yeah, I'm going to hate not being there with you," he mutters, sounding like he means it. "This whole traveling basketball thing just got really inconvenient. I should've gotten a normal job like normal people do."

"We'll figure it out," I promise, grabbing his hand and squeezing it. "We've been through harder, right?"

He nuzzles my neck. "Yeah, we have. This'll be a breeze, right?"

Oh, famous last words, I'm sure.

When we wake up, and after I finish getting acquainted with the hotel toilet, Nathan insists on finding an electronics store so that he can buy a DV-R recorder for me to have Brooke use during all the baby stuff he's going to have to miss. I want to tell him not to worry about it, that it doesn't matter, but I don't. If he's going to get into this pregnancy in this way, then I have nothing to complain about. I'm just happy he's showing an interest.

We shop for about an hour before I have to get a cab to go to the airport. It is hard to say goodbye. If I could go to Seattle with him, I would. Now, though, I can't. I know that I'm going to need to be in Tree Hill where I'm with my friends and family, enough though Nathan will still be in Seattle. It's hard, but it would be hardest to be all alone in a city I didn't know, didn't understand. I need to be around my friends and Karen and Deb right now.

"We're okay, right?" Nathan asks nervously, "I mean, I didn't do permanent damage to us last night when I was being such a dickhead about things."

"We'll figure it out, Nathan," I promise, looping my arms around his waist. "I guess it might be harder than I thought, but we will figure it out."

"You should just know that it isn't that I don't want you to have my baby, but I just thought we'd be having it at a time we were both ready. And that time would occur when everything was more stable, and we knew what we were doing. I feel like I don't have a clue right now," he admits.

"That's how I thought it would be, too," I remind, "And its okay that it's hard to accept it isn't. As long as we do, you know, accept it."

"I do," he quietly asserts, his hands rubbing over my back, "And you will never know how sorry I am that I reacted so badly."

"Oh, baby, I already know. I do, I can see it on your face, and hear it in your voice and words. It's there, Nathan, and I know you mean it."

"I love you," he whispers.

"And I love you," I promise, "More than anything. Don't look so worried, we'll be okay, Nathan."

He nods. "I know, I guess now that I'm realizing just how much of this I'm going to miss, I'm kind of bummed out by it. I wish there was a guarantee that I could be there for everything. Maybe the team will let me off for a few games around your due date," he says, sounding doubtful. I don't know, they might – how could they tell a man he can't be present at his child's birth?

"There are never any guarantees, though," I point out, and he laughs.

"I don't know about that," he says when I look at him questioningly, "I think it's a pretty safe bet that you and I will always be together."

I laugh, too. "Well, after everything that we've gone through to get here, I think there's a pretty good chance you're right."

"Hey, I know this is asking a lot, but can you wait to tell Dad, Keith, and Luke? Sounds like they're about the only ones who don't know, and I don't know, I kinda want to tell them myself."

"I don't mind at all," I smile, "I figured you'd at least want to tell Dan, which is part of the reason I swore your mom to secrecy. Hey, call her, by the way, I'm sure she's dying to know what you think of all this."

"Yeah, you think?" he laughs, "I'm sure she's pacing around driving Dad crazy wondering what the hell is going on with her. I'll call her really soon." He sighs. "It'd be nice to tell Dad, Luke, and Keith in person, so we could celebrate, but I guess that isn't in the cards."

"Good, she'll love to hear from you," I smile, moving closer to him. "I'm going to miss you," I murmur.

"When's your first appointment with the, uh, the baby doctor?" he asks, searching for the right word and coming up empty.

I laugh. "OB-GYN? It's on Wednesday. If Brooke can't come to record things, I'll get Karen or your mom to come with me, okay? Someone will record it, I promise."

"Yeah, and call right after, okay? And Mom would love to go with you, I'm sure. I think she wanted another baby, especially after Eric was born, but it didn't work out." I nod. "Okay, your cab is here," he sighs, looking wistful, "God, I wish you didn't have to leave, I wish I could go with you, I wish that we could be together."

I smile as he leans down to kiss me. "I wish that, too, Nathan, but we'll be okay. We'll talk all the time, right?"

"Yeah, we will. Okay, let's get you loaded up." He places my bag into the backseat, and then turns to me, kissing me hard and hot, almost desperately. "God, I love you."

"Nathan, I love you, too," I smile.

"And – and I love you," he says, crouching down to my stomach. Tears well in my eyes as he drops a kiss there and whispers something I can't hear. He stands back up. "Well, that felt kind of silly, but I guess I could get used to it."

"I'm glad," I tell him sincerely, kissing him one last time. "I'll miss you, baby." I smile and get in the cab, breathing a sigh of relief that things turned out how they did. It could've gone a lot worse, that's for sure, and it was touch and go for awhile, but they turned out well.

I wave at him as the cab pulls away, grinning when he blows me a kiss. It's a little silly, but I miss him already. He's such a big part of me that when we're apart, I feel it physically, almost. It has always been hard to be away from him, even when we weren't together, even when I thought it was best we weren't, but this time, it's harder.

It should be easier, really, knowing that we are a couple. The thing is, with this baby on the way, it isn't. I know he wants to be here with me for this, and God help me, I wish he was able to be here, too. I could use him with me, which isn't to say anything against Brooke, Karen, or Deb, who I know will be great and supportive.

I just want to be with Nathan. I want to fall asleep in the circle of his arms, and I want to wake up there, too. I want to watch his face the first time the baby kicks because he's here with me, but I know the chances of that happening are unlikely, just like I know he probably won't get to go to any of the doctor's appointments I'm going to have.

Things are going to be okay, though. At least I can truly let myself believe that, finally. Things are going to be okay.

Early October, 2010

"So, Hales, is there something you want to tell me?" Luke fishes. I know that Nathan has told him that I'm pregnant, so I don't know why he's acting like he hasn't.

"Luke," I start around a mouthful of food, "I know that you know that I'm pregnant, so I don't really know why you don't just say whatever it is on your mind about it."

He rolls his eyes at me. "Well, I was going to ask why you were scarfing down that pizza like it's your last meal, but I guess that's the pregnancy talking, huh?" he teases, "Congratulations, by the way. I can't believe you waited and let Nate tell me instead of telling me yourself. Some friend you are."

"Don't pout," I order, "But it was only right that he get to tell you himself, especially since I got to tell your mom and Brooke."

"Brooke and my mom know?" he pouts, "And you didn't tell me? Geez, Hales, thanks a ton. I can see why it'd be hard to tell your oldest and best friend. And my wife, apparently she couldn't even tell me."

I roll my eyes at him. "Knock it off; you know I have my reasons. Brooke was the one who originally suggested I might be pregnant, and once it was confirmed I was, talking to your mom seemed the most logical course of action. And then your brother told Deb, so I had to fill her in, too. Don't blame Brooke either. I wanted it kept quiet for then. But Luke, it was only right that Nathan be the next to know, and then he asked me if he could tell you, Dan, and Keith, okay?"

He sighs. "Deb knew, too? And Eric, for crying out loud? Pathetic." I slug him on the arm. "Okay, okay, sorry. So, is this a good thing or a bad thing? Nathan admitted he was kind of a dickhead about it at first?"

"It was awful," I admit, "He was so upset, and some of the stuff he said really sucked. But he calmed down, and things got a little bit better. I think he's fine now."

"He sounded fine. So, how are you? Should you be sitting down or something?"

I laugh at his concern. "I'm fine standing. I'm only three and a half months along, Luke. I won't topple over."

"Hey, I'm just making sure you're going to be okay. Nathan asked me to keep an eye on you, and make sure you're okay."

"Luke, I'm fine. Come on, look at me, I'm healthy as a horse." He grins as I shovel more food into my mouth. My appetite really has been increasing along with my waistline. Right now I'm grabbing a snack before I start making something for dinner.

"You're eating like a horse," he jokes, wrinkling his nose at me. I shrug, sticking another piece of raw broccoli in my mouth.

"Can't help it, I'm hungry. But it's healthy food," I point out, smiling sweetly. "So, what else did he say?"

"That he's scared he's going to miss everything," he sighs. "I feel really bad for him, but he said you'll find people to record all your appointments and stuff."

"You think it's always going to be like that?" I ask, saddened by the possibility, "I mean, what if he can't be present at the birth? What if he can't be my birthing coach? What if he misses the baby's first step, first word, first tooth? I don't know if I can live like that."

Luke looks at me with sympathy. "If it makes you feel any better," he sighs, "I think Nathan feels the same way. Maybe this will have him reevaluating things."

"What, you mean, like quitting basketball? Luke, I don't want him to do that because we're having a child. I really, really don't want that. He loves basketball."

"Yeah, but he's going to love this baby more, Hales, that's a given. And he loves you way more already. So the two of you are bound to outweigh basketball, see what I'm saying?"

I shrug, still a little stressed over all of this. "It's just hard, Luke, he's so far away most of the time, and I'm scared to do this on my own."

He smiles, reaching out and grabbing my hand. "Well, that's the good thing, you aren't alone. You've got all of us here, and you have Nathan, too. Haley, if he ever thought you needed him, he'd be on a plane and here so fast you wouldn't know what to do."

I manage to smile back at him knowing he's right. "Yeah, well, that doesn't really make it easier."

He shrugs, "But Hales, when are things ever easy in these parts?" He manages to elicit a laugh from me, which feels nice, so I give him a hug.

"Well, you speak the truth on that one," I admit, laughing still. "So, how are you and Brooke doing?" I ask, tired of talking about my fears and myself.

He shrugs. "I don't know it's a mess. It's so much harder to be married than you would think, you know? It's hard to explain."

"Hard how, freak?" I tease.

"I don't know, it's just weird. We don't live together officially, our family doesn't know, and it's almost like we're just dating still."

"Luke, two out of the three of those could very easily be rectified," I point out, a little exasperated with him. "I mean, just tell your mom already that you married Brooke in Vegas."

"I want to wait for the holidays when everyone is together," he explains again, even though I already know his tiresome logic.

"But if it's causing problems for you, then you should change your plans, Luke. That's just what you have to do sometimes."

"You talking about me or you?" he asks, not unfairly, really. "It's not that simple. You know, what if our problems don't go away after we make our announcement? Hales, this marriage thing is a lot harder than I thought it would be, a lot harder than you could imagine it would be."

"You thought it would be easy? Luke, come on, you know better than that. Relationships take a lot of work. And for the record, I was married; I know it's hard."

He shrugs. "I know, and it was stupid that I thought this, but I kind of assumed once we got married, everything would be perfect. And your marriage doesn't count, it was in high school. Nothing in high school counts when you're drawing on real life experience, because high school is just not real life."

"Okay, I'm ending this conversation right now," I tell him, standing up, "You need to talk to Brooke about these things, not me. Actually, as much as I love you and want to help you, Luke, I can't. Not when it's between you and Brooke; I have to stay out of that."

He nods, staying silent as I walk out of the room. I hear the TV on in the living room, and I know its Tim since Brooke has a late lab tonight.

"Hey Mama," he grins as I walk in, "How you feeling today?"

I grin back at him as I plop down on the couch next to him, leaning against him. "I'm doing just fine, how are you?"

"I'm good, now that I've seen Baby and Baby Mama are doing well with my own eyes," he jokes. I playfully elbow him, jumping a little when the doorbell rings. "You expecting anyone?" he asks.

I shake my head, jumping back up. "Nope, but I'll go see who it is. You expecting anyone? Hot date, maybe?"

He laughs, shooing me out of the room. "I wish," he sighs, "But it's all about work right now for me."

"Yeah, we're pathetic," I laugh as I walk to the door, "You're a workaholic, Brooke is busy with school, Luke is a lazy bum dragging his feet on finding a job, and I'm knocked up. What a bunch! We don't do anything fun anymore!"

"Ha!" Tim yells, either forgetting why I left the room, or not caring, "Like you didn't have fun getting to the point you're at!"

I open the door, jaw dropping when I see Jason standing there with Gina and his sisters. I'd hope there was a chance they hadn't heard, but I'm not even close to being that lucky. Plus, it's rather evident on each of their faces that they heard loud and clear.

"Anyway, which is worse?" he asks, his voice getting closer, "Luke mastering every Playstation game ever made, or you getting knocked up by your boyfriend before you actually get back together?" He comes around the corner, stopping in his tracks when he sees his family. I close my eyes. "Oh."

"Yeah, oh," Jason sighs. I know we sort of patched things up, but, even after we'd broken up, if Nathan had gotten a girl pregnant, I'd have been really hurt, so I don't think this is an easy thing for him to hear.

I don't know what to say to any of them, so I smile slightly at Jason. "I'll be in the kitchen," I whisper, trying to walk past. Gina reaches out, grabbing my arm, effectively stopping me. I look up at her questioningly.

"Actually," she says, clearing her throat uncomfortably, "We wanted to talk to you." God, this can't be good. "The girls have something to say."

I glance at them, and it's quite clear that they've been forced to come here against their will. "Mom, do we still have to apologize if she's knocked up by that asshole ex of hers?" Lola mutters snidely.

"Lola Marilyn!" Gina exclaims, "Watch your mouth! This is exactly the type of behavior we came here to apologize for, now isn't it?"

Lola just shrugs, glaring defiantly at me. I look at Gina. "I appreciate the effort, but it's really not necessary."

Tim moves behind me, putting his hands on my shoulders. "I didn't know you all were in town," he says to Gina.

She smiles. "Your mom said to tell you that if you actually stopped by or called her more often, then you might actually know something. We're just here because an old friend of mine passed away, and I wanted to attend her funeral."

"Well, despite the circumstances, it's good to see you," he smiles, and I let myself marvel for a second at how much he's grown up since he graduated and got his job. He catches me staring at him. "What?"

"Nothing, you're just so – mature now," I smile, forgetting that other people are in the hallway for a minute.

"Yeah, way to condescend, Baby Mama," he jokes, blanching a little when he realizes he maybe stuck his foot in his mouth again. They all look interested, but obviously none want to ask.

"Well, I'm sorry for your loss," I say to Gina, nervously wiping my hands on my jeans, "But I'd better go make some dinner now." I smile slightly and walk off before anyone can protest.

I walk over to the fridge, really needing to eat something. There's nothing there that appeals to me, though, so I open the freezer and pull out a frozen chicken breast to thaw out and do something with. Lemon chicken sounds kind of good. Funny how food is so much more on the forefront of my mind now.

"You're pregnant?" Jason asks from behind me. I must not be surprised he followed me, because I don't jump.

"Yeah," I say softly, not turning around, "I am." I say it with a quiet defiance, almost challenging him to be an ass about it, but he doesn't rise to the bait.

"Congratulations," he says quietly, "I guess you've found what you were looking for? What you needed all along?"

I shrug, finally turning around. "Working on it, at least." I grab a bag of chips and sit down, offering him the bag after I take a few out.

"I pictured us having kids one day," he admits, "Which is kind of weird to say out loud now. Are you happy? About being pregnant?"

I don't know if he's curious, or fishing for info or whatever, but it doesn't seem malicious, and so I figure there is no harm in telling him. "Yeah, I am. It's a big adjustment, but it's a good thing."

"It's his?" he asks, and we both know who he means without him having to say it.

"Yeah, it's his. I – we got back together about a month and a half ago now," I tell him, proud of how both of us are handling this.

"That's good, I'm glad you're happy." He shrugs, "You deserve it."

I smile a little at him. "Thanks, Jason. I'm sorry you found out by me using it as an argument to Tim in how boring we've all become."

He laughs. "Hey, yeah, I mean, it was over a year ago we broke up, and even if I was mad, it wouldn't be my place. It's awkward, I guess, but I'm mostly just happy for you."

"Thanks," I say again, a little freaked out by how calm and normal this is. I guess a passerby would never know that I'd walked out on our wedding. Well, walked out during our wedding after getting halfway down the aisle.

"Well," he says, "I'd better go. I'm sure Mom is about ready to kill Lol and Riss. They really are sorry about the way they've treated you, even if they are too overprotective and pigheaded to tell you that themselves."

"Mmhmm," I sigh, "And it was their idea to come here?"

"Well, no, Mom heard them talking about the things they'd said to you a few days ago, and she laid into them. It reminded me of when she used to bust me sneaking into the house at night in high school. Anyway, she nailed them, and since we were here, she wanted them to tell you that they were sorry, even if they didn't mean it."

I laugh. "Well, tell her thanks for the effort. Take care, Jason," I tell him sincerely. He's a good guy, and even after the major discord we've spent most of the last year and a half in, I still want good things for him, if only to assuage my conscience.

He leaves, and I go back to fixing my dinner. If I was surprised that Jason followed me in here, I'm a thousand times more surprised to see Lola appear in the doorway.

"What do you want?" I ask her coldly, tired of her BS. This is my kitchen, and I'm not in the mood to take her abrasive, offensive attitude right now.

"My mom is right. We do owe you an apology. Riss isn't really too thrilled with it, and honestly, I'm not either, because I still think you suck, and I can't just forget Jason crying over you, but it isn't our place to tell you that."

"And yet here you are, doing just that again," I point out, tired of her already. "Look, you don't want to apologize, and it doesn't matter to me one way or another if you do, so let's cut this bullshit – go. Tell your mom you tried, and you'll both feel better, but I don't want to hear your insincere placating."

"It's not placating, and whatever it is, it is actually sincere. Look, I'm sorry about what I said out there in the hallway a few minutes ago. It was uncalled for, and the only excuse I have to offer is that I was surprised. But a lot of the things I've said to you were uncalled for, so I'm sure you weren't surprised."

"You're right, a lot of it was. And hey, some of it wasn't, if that makes you feel better. The thing is, I don't care anymore. Your forgiveness doesn't make or break my life, and it doesn't even keep me up at night. I've worked things out better than I expected with your brother, and that's all I needed from your family."

She nods. "I get that, Haley, I do, but we were friends once."

"So, what? Clearly we aren't now, and it isn't going to do either of us any good to pretend otherwise, Lola."

"Look, I didn't come back here to fight with you, I didn't."

"Then why are you?" I ask plainly, wishing she'd leave me in peace to make my dinner, "Because there's nothing else to say."

"You know, I'm trying to apologize, and you're being awfully ungracious," she mutters, and I let myself hope she's going to give up and leave, but she doesn't. She sits down instead.

"What do you want?" I ask grumpily, "I'm hungry, I'm tired, and I have to make dinner and eat quickly so that I can start looking into things for my second job."

"I want you to accept my apology," she says hesitantly, "I guess it's asking a lot or something, but please, think about it."

"Look, your apology is irrelevant to me, Lola. I'm sorry that I hurt your brother and hurt you by doing so, but that can't be changed now. And I don't see what point there is in hashing this out now."

"Maybe you're right," she shrugs, "But I'm moving here, to Tree Hill, and I thought it would be cool if we could be civil."

"You – you are moving here?" I ask, disbelieving. Why would someone who has done all the things she's done and had all the accomplishments she's achieved, move to Tree Hill?

"Well, no," she admits, "But if I was, wouldn't you want to be civil to me?"

"I can be civil without doing this," I point out, really wanting her to go. "But if you want forgiveness, fine, you've got it. You know, the truth is, I never really felt you were out of line. What I did sucked. I didn't deserve any less than what I got from you. The thing is, that grew tiresome after a year – we've moved on, and if I've learned one thing, it's that I can't live my life for someone else. I have to live it for me, and that's what I'm doing now."

She stands up. "Well, I'll get out of your hair. I get what you're saying, and I guess in a weird way, I appreciate what you're saying. Too bad things couldn't be different," she shrugs.

I stand up, too, figuring it wouldn't kill me to walk her out. "Well," I sigh, "I guess they turned out the way they were supposed."

"Yeah. Well, thanks for listening and not kicking me out," she offers when we get to the front door. I give a small wave to Jason and Gina before turning and walking back to the kitchen. A few minutes later, Tim comes in.

"Sorry about that," he sighs, grabbing a cutting board and helping me cut up stuff for a salad.

I smile at him. "Not your fault, and it wasn't that bad. Just a smidge weird, but that's to be expected, don't you think?"

He shrugs, but cracks a smile. "You mean it's always awkward seeing the family of your ex who you left at the altar? Particularly when you're pregnant by your ex-boyfriend?"

"Yeah, I guess that's not a situation most people encounter every day!" I joke back.

"No, probably not," he smirks. "So, how's this pregnancy thing? I mean, we haven't talked a lot about it. Does it feel weird?" he asks, furrowing his brow. I think he seriously wants to know.

"I don't know, I don't feel much different yet. Just the morning sickness and tiredness, really, which are starting to go away."

Now that I know what's wrong with me and I know the signs, I've noticed other indicators of pregnancy, but they are ones that I know would make him blush, so I won't tell him. Like I really would ever want to talk to him or Lucas about tender breasts anyways. Ugh. Scary thought.

"Oh," he sighs, "So, it isn't kicking yet?"

I roll my eyes at him. "It's like, the size of my hand now. It isn't big enough to kick. Did you ever pay attention in health class in high school?" I reprimand him.

"Nah," he laughs, "Except during sex ed. I was one of the guys who'd put the nasty questions in the sex question box."

"Why am I not surprised?" I smile.

"Because I'm just that clever?" he grins, clearly proud of himself still in some ridiculous way.

"Yeah, if you want to think so," I laugh, dropping the tomatoes I've cut up into the salad bowl. The chicken is done now, so I grab a plate for each of us. "Actually going to eat with me tonight?" I ask, raising an eyebrow in mock shock.

"Yes," he smiles, "I couldn't bear to deprave you of my presence anymore. I just had to stay home for a night and let you bask in the sunshine that radiates off of me."

"Wow, so benevolent," I snort, choking back a laugh. "When did you get so poetic? I mean, for mocking purposes, of course."

"Oh, yeah, mocking purposes only," he laughs, "And only ones that can be aimed at you, too."

"Hey," I protest, lightly smacking him on the arm, "Don't be mean to the pregnant lady! I'm gonna be fat in a couple of months, and if you tease me then, you might just live to regret it!"

"Damn, you're already cranky enough to threaten me? This could get ugly," he laughs around a mouthful of chicken.

"Hey, are you saying I'm a bad pregnant woman?" I pout, "I've only known a week, give me some time to settle in here!"

"You're doing great so far. I think. I mean, I don't know a lot about pregnancy, but it seems like you're doing great so far. Yeah."

I laugh. "Are you scared I'll hit you if you say I suck or something?" He laughs, but shakes his head. "It's just weird, all of this," I sigh, "Good, but weird still."

"How's Nathan taking it?" I think this is the first time he's even mentioned Nate to me since I told him I was pregnant. Probably not an intentional slight, but it is odd that he never asked about it.

"He's taking it okay, I think. I hope," I admit nervously, "He was really upset at first. He wanted me to be joking, and at one point, he actually said that he didn't want it. But we moved on from there fast enough, and he even seems to want to be involved now, which makes me really happy."

"Good, I'm glad. I'd have to defend your honor if he wasn't being completely great to you about this."

"Aw, my knight in shining armor," I laugh, leaning over to give him a hug.

Tim has been so busy lately with his new job, and I've been so busy working at the ID firm and going over plans for the new café – unbelievable that Karen and Deb are already scoping places – so we never see each other. I realize now how much I've missed the lightness he brings to my life, and that certain way he has of making me feel so great about everything.

"I've missed you," I tell him sincerely, "You aren't here often enough anymore. Or if you are, it must be when I'm not."

"I know," he sighs, "I really love my job, and I want to get ahead. It just sucks that the price is missing everything that's going on around here. I'll go to work tomorrow, and all of a sudden, the next thing I know, it's March, and Brooke is on the phone yelling at me because you're giving birth and I haven't shown up yet."

I smile. "It isn't that bad, Tim. I see you enough still that I don't think we have to worry about anything quite that extreme yet."

"That's where it's headed, though," he groans, "I'm going to be some dorky desk guy who only sees the sun in odd months and holidays. I'll have no friends, and I'll have turned albino."

Geez, and he calls Brooke a drama queen. "Tim, you like your job," I remind him, smiling. I'm really sorry I teased him about this now. "Besides liking your actual work, I know you really like going out and having drinks with your coworkers after work. That's not a bad thing!"

"No, it isn't," he concedes, "But it still isn't the same as when you, Brooke, and I used to hang out every day. I miss those days."

"Me too," I smile, "But we're growing up, I guess. Who knew that'd happen with the three of us?"

"Well, you, it was a given," he points out, "But out of the three of us, you definitely weren't the one I'd have figured to be having a child first."

"Really?" I ask, curious, "Which of you held your guess then?"

"I don't know, I just figured Brooke might get drunk and forget what she was doing, and I figured I might get too caught up and not use protection. I'm glad it's you, though, you're probably most responsible. You definitely know the most about kids," he points out.

"Only because I've had Eric to practice on," I reason, "Besides, I think both you and Brooke will get the hang of it really quick when you're hanging around my baby all the time."

"Yeah, I guess," he laughs, "So you're actually gonna let me around your kid? Nathan will actually let me around his kid?"

I shake my head at him. "Tim, Nathan wouldn't try and dictate to me who can and can't see our child. Besides, even if he wanted to, he knows that it's you, and I love you, and I want you to be a part of my child's life. No matter what!"

He smiles at me, and I think I actually see a tear in his eye, but he ducks his head down and neither of us comment on it.

"Thanks, James, I'm lucky to have friends like you."

"You sure are," I smile. "And I'm lucky to have ones like you!"

I am. I really am. Sometimes, with all the stuff that's going on with Nathan, it's easy to lose sight of how much I love my friends, and how much they do for me. Which is a lot, and I know that.

Thanksgiving, 2010

Somehow, Nathan convinced all of his family to come to Seattle to celebrate Thanksgiving with us. Of course, I'm thrilled about this, and Nathan is, too. In fact, I think everyone other than Luke and Brooke are, but they are another story. It's like I told Luke last month, I just can't be involved in their problems now.

Besides, this isn't supposed to be about that. This is supposed to be about celebrating Thanksgiving, seeing where Nathan lives, and cheering him on at his game. Brooke and Luke are considering making their announcement sometime over the weekend, which I'm fine with, but I plan to make myself scarce if they get into another fight. Unfortunately, they seem to be coming more and more frequently these days.

It's irrelevant, though, at least for this weekend. This weekend is about those other things, the happy things, like celebrating this baby and Nathan's awesome job. And I'm excited to do all these things, and if that includes celebrating Brooke and Lucas's wedding, then more the better. But I can't deal with them fighting, and putting me in the middle again.

I'm flying in first with Deb and Dan today, and everyone else is flying in this evening. It's kind of weird to fly out here with them because they are both hovering over me, although Deb is admittedly worse. It's sweet, in a really irritating way, but it is sweet that they care this much.

Our plane lands and we head for the baggage claim area so that we can hurry to meet Nathan. Deb and Dan are particularly anxious to see him, since they haven't had the chance to since that horrible night of the draft. Oh, I'm excited, too, maybe even a little desperate, but I've amazingly got the fortitude to cover that up a little bit.

When we step outside, I'm pretty surprised it isn't raining. The sun is actually peeking through the clouds, which is pleasant. Deb lets out a little squeal when she sees Nathan, and I hang back to let his parents greet him first. Things are still visibly awkward between him and Dan, but hopefully the next few days will be good for that. Deb pulls him into a huge hug that she ends up incorporating Dan into as well. I can't keep the smile off my face even as Nathan mouths the word help at me over their shoulders.

He pulls away from them and slowly…I guess stalks is the only appropriate word. It's not really a strut, and calling it a walk is too plain for it, and I don't know why I'm thinking about this. A part of me is still nervous after his initial reaction to the baby news.

He holds his arms out, and I get my feet moving, and meet him halfway. Such a simple solution, and yet in so many ways, so hard to put into practice. I think over the next few months, as we try to sort things out in terms of this baby, we might find out just how hard it can be.

"Hey gorgeous, and baby gorgeous," he says, kissing my cheek and rubbing my belly. "I missed you, Haley J."

"I missed you, too," I tell him, breathing in his scent. His hands slide down my sides, over my hips to my butt. "Nathan, we're in public," I gasp out to remind him, "And your parents are standing right there."

He chuckles, and steps back, glancing down at me. "You're starting to show. I mean, I know you've sent pictures and the DVDs of your appointments, but it's really nice to see for myself, you know?"

"I know," I smile, lacing my fingers with his, "God, I've missed you. Every time I have an appointment, every time someone teases me about this mythical pregnancy glow that I have, I think of you and how it should be you sharing those moments with me."

He sighs, squeezing my hand. "Hey, I know how that feels better than anyone, Haley," he points out.

"Yeah, I know."

Nathan drives us to the house he's bought; oddly, none of us knew he'd bought a house since he'd rented an apartment when he first came here, but no one makes a big deal out of it. It's a nice house, on the lake just east of Seattle. He tells us Bill Gates lives in the same neighborhood, and we all smile politely, unsure of how to react.

I should've known he'd get extravagant with this – he's been sending me and the baby really expensive things lately, and as much as he is generous with me, he's just as generous with himself.

He shows Deb and Dan to the guest room they'll be staying in, and I wait for him out in the expansive living room, admiring the view from the front window. There's a boat dock, and I wouldn't be surprised if, by next spring, Nathan has all sorts of water equipment ready to put the dock into use.

"I didn't decorate much," he says, coming up silently behind me to put his arms around my waist. "I was kind of hoping you'd do that."

I turn back to smile up at him. "You know I would love to decorate your house for you, Nathan."

He drops a kiss on my lips. "I know, but I meant more of a 'you decorate it for both of us and the baby scenario'."

"Nathan," I sigh, warningly, "I – we – it's just, I need to be in Tree Hill for this, not here, alone part of the time, while you're on the road." I plead with my words and my eyes for him to understand. "I need Karen and your mom and Brooke."

He turns away, frustrated with me. I know he thinks I should just give in and move here, but I don't want to leave the support system I've got there. Yeah, I'm scared, I admit it. Yeah, I want to stick to the easy way. This is a hard thing, though, having a baby, and I want to stick around the place where I know there are tons of people to help me out. It isn't that I don't want to be with Nathan, because that is absolutely not the case, but I'm just afraid he wouldn't be here enough to give me what I need. I know he doesn't understand this.

"Haley, we're going to be parents. Not just you. Not you and Karen, or you and Brooke, or you and Mom, or you and anyone else. You and me. And the best way to make that the case, is for us to live together."

"And you're asking me to pack up and move here, Nathan. Do you know how hard that would be right now? It's hard enough to be away from you when I have my friends and family around, but it would be downright painful to be away from you here, a place where I don't know anyone or even know how to get anywhere!"

"You'd figure it out!" he exclaims, not wanting to let this go. Who am I kidding, neither of us want to let this one go.

"That isn't the point and you know it!"

"I don't know what the point is anymore," he growls, staring out the window over my head, "It seems like a simple thing to me: I love you, you love me, we're having a baby, who wouldn't want to live together?"

"God, Nathan, you think this is a matter of want? Because it isn't!" I lay a hand on his chest, imploring him to look at me. "Nathan, this isn't about what I want, it's about what's best for me right now, and what's easiest. And that is to be in the place where I know at least one person will always be there when I need them!"

"I'll be here, Haley J, I will!"

"Nathan, what if I go into labor while you're on a road trip back east. I'll be all alone, with no one – no one! – here to help me. I can't do that, Nathan; it's too scary!"

He sighs, wrapping his arms around me. "I'm sorry, I know it's asking a lot to want you to come here and live with me, but I just can't help but think it would be in all of our best interests. Haley, it would be so much easier for us to rebuild our relationship if you were here. And think how great that would be for the baby!"

"Nathan, I know that is the ideal situation – us living together, raising this baby together. But realistically, I think it'll be better for now if I stay in Tree Hill. At least until the baby is born."

He kisses my forehead. "Okay, let's not do this now. Let's at least focus on the fact that you're here for now, right?"

"Works for me," I smile, stepping closer to him. "God, I have missed you so much, Nathan. I don't think you can even begin to imagine."

"If it is half as much as I've missed you, then I know it's a lot, and that's good enough for me," he laughs. "So, what do you think of this place?"

"It's fancy," I say in as bubbly voice as I can muster. And it is fancy, but it's also barren and impersonal, but like Nathan said, he hasn't decorated beyond the necessities. "It'll be really beautiful when you get it decorated."

"Hey, even if you aren't moving in, I'd like it if you did the decorating," he smiles, "Pick stuff that we both like, you know."

"Sounds like a good plan to me," I return, "It'll give me more chances to visit. The only thing is that it makes it tough with me helping your mom and Karen set up the second café."

"We'll figure it out. I bet they'd give you time off for a good cause, and if I'm not a good cause, then I'm not sure what is!"

"Good, well, that's something. Maybe we could schedule an unnecessary ultrasound or something, just so I can see it live, with you."

I smile at him, glad and grateful he's really starting to take an interest in this. It makes it so much easier that he is.

"Are you picking up everyone else at the airport tonight?" I ask, knowing they could all fit in his Escalade if necessary, but knowing he'd probably rather stay with me and his parents.

He shakes his head. "I've arranged for a limo to pick them up. It's easier that way. Plus, this way, I get to stay here with you," he smiles.

"You're too sweet," I laugh.

"Yeah, I know," he grins immodestly and cockily.

"Brat," I mutter, but we both know I love it, so the word is without heat. He pulls me into his arms and drags me off to show me the rest of the house.

After Nathan's game the next day, we all gather back at his house for dinner. Karen and Deb had stayed here cooking while the rest of us were at the game, which they insisted was fine. There is, unsurprisingly, a flatscreen TV in the kitchen, so they claimed it was almost like they were at the game.

I know that Brooke and Luke are going to make their announcement tonight during dinner. I feel bad because Karen admitted to me a few days ago after they had a particularly nasty fight one evening, that she was thinking they might not make it much longer. She also admitted they'd lasted longer than she'd expected in the beginning. I didn't know what to say, so I just shrugged and changed the subject.

Everyone is seated around a huge table that Nathan rented for the weekend. Since he wants us to choose everything together, all he'd gotten was a small table for the kitchen, which obviously wouldn't work. This is nice, though, and everyone is having a good time as far as I can tell.

Luke stands up, nervously clearing his throat. Nathan and I exchange glances before fixing our attention on him.

"Well, hi everyone," he babbles, fidgeting with his glass, "Um, I have an announcement to make." Everyone looks at him expectantly. "Brooke and I are married," he says with a little flourish.

Everyone stares at them. I'm not sure if I should congratulate them, or if I should keep quiet and let his parents congratulate them first. Karen clears her throat. "You mean, you're engaged to be married," she tries to correct him, emphasizing 'engaged'.

"Uh, no," he sighs, "We actually got married. In Vegas." He stares her down defiantly. "We're married, Mom, whether you like it or not."

Oh, he's so stupid that I almost groan aloud. He wants to convince his mom this was a good idea, a good thing, and he acts like a spoiled brat about it? Dumbass.

"Lucas, there's no need to take any sort of disrespectful tone with your mother," Keith frowns, "I think she's just a little confused as to why you would get married and not tell anyone."

Brooke, for her part, looks like she'd rather be anywhere but here, and I almost feel sorry for her, but since they brought this all on themselves, it is kind of hard to.

Luke sighs, sitting back down. "I'm sorry, it's just that I knew this would be surprising, and I guess I was a little defensive about it."

Karen plasters a smile on her face, and stands up to walk around the table to hug him and then Brooke. Keith, Deb, and Dan all follow her example.

"I guess you knew," Keith says, smirking at me.

I shrug. "It wasn't my place to tell this time. It was completely their business," I smile. Nathan lays his hand on my thigh, squeezing gently, reassuringly. I smile at him gratefully.

"Well, what a pleasant surprise," Deb smiles, "First we have a baby on the way, and now we have a wedding to celebrate. Truly a blessed holiday season this year."

"Yeah, it's been a great year," Dan beams. I know he's referring to his growing relationship with Lucas as well as the fact that he and Nathan can at least talk honestly now, which is a vast improvement.

The rest of dinner is crazy as everyone bombards Luke and Brooke with questions about their wedding, and they pull out the pictures we took to share. Karen looks wistful that she missed it, such that it was, and holds Eric a little tighter, almost as if trying to keep him young. I wonder if I'll do that with my child someday.

Brooke is sharing a spirited retelling of how the wedding comes to be, when the baby starts to kick. "Nathan!" I gasp.

"What?" he asks, alarmed. I grab his hand and place it on my stomach. "Oh," he blinks, "Oh, my God. It's – you're – he's moving."

"He?" I ask, amused. Everyone around us has quieted down, watching us.

He shrugs. "I don't know, 'he' sounded right. Besides, that's a manly kick, right? It's got to be a boy."

I laugh. "Oh, Nathan, that's our baby," I sniffle out, overwhelmed by this. The sheer power of feeling this baby kick for the first time is incredible. I cannot believe how amazing and moving this is.

"I know," he whispers, awestruck as he splays his fingers to catch more of the tiny flutters that the baby is causing, "This is incredible." I can see the tears shining in his eyes, and I know he is as touched as I am.

I lay my head on Nathan's shoulder, tears in my eyes; he's sort of my oasis in this desert of craziness. Maybe, once the baby comes, I will move here with him. It would beat living without him, and he's right, I would find my way around, and I would make friends. I'm sure some of his teammates have wives or girlfriends, and I'd have to get along with at least one. Maybe I could do this after all. But for now, I'll concentrate on getting through the pregnancy, and then I'll worry about moving out here.


	20. Have A Little Faith In Me

**Chapter Twenty – _Have A Little Faith in Me_**__

'When the road gets dark  
And you can no longer see  
Just let my love throw a spark  
And have a little faith in me

And when the tears you cry  
Are all you can believe  
Just give these loving arms a try  
And have a little faith in me' – John Hiatt

January 2011

"You're getting huge, Hales," Luke comments from his spot on the couch.

"Thanks a lot, Luke," I comment sarcastically, as I drop my admittedly larger self onto a recliner I know I'll need help getting out comfortably, "A pregnant lady can't hear that one often enough."

"Aw, I didn't mean it like that," he smiles, getting up to come sit on the arm of my chair. "You actually look really great, belly and all."

"Thanks," I smile, seeing he's sincere.

"I'm like, going to be an uncle," he grins, patting my belly. It's weird; so many people have touched my stomach in the last couple of months, which is sort of irritating, but Luke is practically family, so it doesn't bother me when he does it. But acquaintances and strangers, now that bugs.

"Um, you aren't just realizing now that you'll be an uncle, are you?" I ask, teasing him, "Because that has been pretty much a given all along, you know!"

He rolls his eyes at me. "Well, I mean, I guess I always knew, but I'm just now really realizing that. It's kind of cool, you know!"

"Yeah, I know," I laugh. "Quite the family we're building up here, huh?"

He laughs. "Yeah, well, about as far from normal as you can get, right?" I shrug, but then give in and nod when he looks at me pointedly. "Um, I'm thinking our family might get one smaller soon, though."

I furrow my brow, trying to think of what he means. "What the hell are you talking about, Luke?" I ask, unable to come up with something.

"Brooke," he sighs, quietly, his face contorting in pain.

"What?" I gasp, him having caught me unaware. "What are you – what do you mean, Brooke? You two are…?" I trail off, not wanting to say it out loud.

He shrugs, and I can tell by the look on his face that he's really upset about all of this. "I don't know what's going to happen, Hales, but it isn't good right now. We can't even talk to each other without things deteriorating into a full-out screaming match."

I gape at him a little. I knew there was tension there, but I hadn't heard any screaming. "When has this been going on?" I ask, "How long?"

"Anytime you and Tim are gone and Brooke and I are here," he admits, glancing away. He stands up, moving away from me. I scoot to the edge of the recliner, staring at him. "We just – I don't know, we couldn't fight in front of you two, we had to project this image that things were fine."

"Oh, Luke," I sigh, thinking about how hard this is going to be for them.

"I know," he groans, "Damn it, I know. I don't know what the hell we were thinking, rushing into marriage. It was so stupid, so careless."

"And now what? You don't feel anything for her, you want to divorce her, what? What's going on, Luke, I don't know if I get completely where this is coming from?" Maybe I do more than I'm willing to let on, though. Maybe I can see the parallels of them rushing into something the way I did with Jason, but it would be imminently tacky of me to point that out.

He shakes his head. "I care about Brooke, Hales, so much, I do. But I," he sighs, his voice dropping down to a whisper, "But I don't know if I love her. Not in the way a husband should his wife."

"Oh, God," I groan, "Oh, God, Luke, no! Jesus, how could you do this to her? How – how – God, I don't even know what to say to you!" I scream, grateful that both Tim and Brooke are out tonight, and probably won't be back until late, or possibly not at all, in Tim's case.

"I didn't mean to," he says quietly, sitting back down, on the edge of the coffee table this time, "And I don't think it's just me, either. I think she feels the same way." He runs his hands over his face. "Look, I know I shouldn't dump this shit on you, and I know you probably want to say 'I told you so', and you can, but I have to talk about this with someone."

"And I'm your best bet," I remark sarcastically, not entirely not a question, either. "That's great, put me in the middle. Damn it, Luke, we've talked about this! I can't be in the middle here!"

He nods. "No, I know that," he says quickly, "And I'm not asking for you to agree with me, sympathize, or even understand, I just – if things go the way I think they will, then Brooke might need you. And I just wanted you to know that."

I sit down next to him, putting an arm around his shoulder. As much as I hate what is happening here, I know it isn't entirely Luke's fault. They both need to own up to their mistakes in this one, and even more to the point, I can tell how awful Luke feels, and it is hard to stay mad at him when he's in so much pain.

"Oh, Luke," I sigh, "How did you guys get here?"

He shrugs. "That's what I would love to know, Hales. How did it get to this point where we have this power to hurt each other? God, I hate this!"

I nod. "I know you do. I do, too." He nods, understanding. "I just – I didn't know what to think of you two, and a part of me really thought it might come to this point, but the other part of me thought – believed – you guys, if anyone, could surprise me and do it."

"It's just – I thought that, too," he admits, hastily brushing a tear off his cheek. "I thought that if we wanted this enough, and I know we both did, that it work. That's how everything has always been for me, you know? If I wanted something bad enough, I got it – basketball, Nathan's friendship, Dan and I have a relationship. But this, it didn't happen this time. Nothing has fallen into place."

"Luke, maybe you guys haven't given it enough time!" I exclaim, thinking that maybe if they try harder, they can figure things out.

He shakes his head sadly. "I don't know, Hales. Maybe some things either work or they don't, and no amount of time will fix things." He shakes his head again, more firmly this time, almost as if trying to clear it. "And maybe we never should've gotten married, maybe we never should have hooked up again. I don't know, Hales, I don't know anything anymore."

"God, Luke," I sigh, "This is so, so very bad."

He nods. "God, you think I don't know that? You think I don't know that not only am I hurting her, but that I'm hurting a bunch of other people? But I can't, I can't stay in something that is making both of us so miserable, you know?"

The damnedest thing is, I do know. I know exactly what he's talking about, right down to the other people aside from Brooke he'll be hurting. And I don't blame him for wanting out when you know that not only will you be unhappy, but you'll be making other people unhappy, too. That sucks, and he's in this position where he'll hurt people, people I know he cares about and loves, regardless of what decision he makes.

"We just don't work," he sighs, "We never did, and even though I just like her so much, it doesn't work. Isn't it funny how what worked or didn't work in high school still holds true now?"

I rest my arms on top of my ever-growing belly, my heart breaking for him, for Brooke, for the situation. "God, Luke, as much as I hate this, I have to admit that I understand."

"Jason," he says tonelessly.

I nod. "It's the same situation. Shit, Luke," I moan, shaking my head, "Damn it, why'd you two have to hook up again in the first place? You ruined it all!"

He's silent for a minute, absorbing my words. "Do you think I don't know that?" he asks quietly, "Do you think that I don't know how angry you are with me, how much you might hate me? Do you think I don't get that I've probably lost the tenuous friendship Tim and I have formed? And God, I hope you know how regretful I am that I have to hurt Brooke like this, Hales, because if you don't, then you don't know me at all!"

"I know," I assure him, "I know all of that, I know how scared you are, I know how sorry you are, and I know that you're hurting, too. I just don't know what to do with this, Luke. I don't know how I'm going to be a friend to both of you. How I'll be the friend you'll both need, and damn it, I want to do that for both of you now."

"You – you have to be there for her. I, um, I'll be okay," he lies, but we both know that he's lying, and more to the point, he knows I know. But he also thinks Brooke needs me more, which may be true, but I know he's feeling, and I know that he needs me, too.

"Liar," I retort softly, "You need me, too, and I'll be here for you. I'll find a way to be there for both of you." I don't know how, but they're both my friend, and I have to.

"Hales, I'm relinquishing custody of you," he says softly, and I know he's trying to lighten the mood a little with a goofy 'Luke' joke, "I want Brooke to have you. I want her to know that when she needs you, you'll be there, not somewhere with me. She needs you more."

"We'll figure it out, Luke," I sigh, "And hey, maybe you'll figure things out with her, I don't know. Maybe you're giving up too soon."

He shakes his head, negating that idea. "See, that's the thing, we didn't give up quickly enough. We held on too long, and that's why we're here now."

I'm about to reply when the front door slams shut, signaling that either Brooke or Tim is home. Luke quickly turns away, wiping his eyes. The click of heels on the parquet floor indicates that it is Brooke who has arrived.

"A little help?" I ask, holding my hands out so he can heave me up off the coffee table. "My range of movement is becoming more limited each day."

He smiles a little as he helps me up. "Thanks for listening, Hales." He glances sadly at the door. "I'd better go talk to her. Um, I don't know when I'll see you – she isn't going to want me back here, and she's going to need you." He quickly pulls me into a hug. "So, uh, you take care of yourself, and if you need anything, let me know."

"Luke, hey, listen, I have an appointment next week, and I need someone to tape it for Nathan. Would you do it? Please?" I ask. Brooke, Karen, or Deb, or a combination of the three, have been my official appointment accompaniment, but Luke is the baby's uncle, and he's my friend, and I won't let him cut me out in a fit of guilt.

He kisses me on the cheek. "Yeah, I'd love to. Just call me at the garage, and let me know when and where, okay?"

"Thanks, Luke." He smiles and turns to go face the music. "Hey," I call, causing him to turn around, "Listen to her. Maybe she'll have a different perspective that will make things clearer, better." He nods, and walks out.

I stay here, waiting for the inevitable fireworks. No matter if Luke listens to her or not, it's clear how this is going to end, and it isn't going to be pretty for either of them. I can hear the muffled screaming and the sound of glass shattering against a wall – at least, I'm assuming it's a wall – and I can even hear the sound of crying, but I'm not sure which of them it is.

They must open a door, because all of a sudden I can hear Brooke screaming at him to get out, and Luke apologizing furiously. "I'm sorry you have to hear this," I whisper towards my belly, "And it's only going to get worse from here."

I can hear steps heading for the front door, and I glance over to see Luke, who gives me a sad wave as he steps out, an overflowing duffel bag over his shoulder. I take a deep breath, and wander through the house to find Brooke.

"Brooke?" I call softly. I don't get a response, which isn't surprising, so I keep wandering until I find her sitting, fully clothed, in one of the bathtubs. "Oh, Brooke," I sigh, making sure the seat is down so I can sit on the toilet adjacent to the tub.

"He doesn't want me, Tutor Girl," she cries, and for a minute, it is weird that she doesn't call me Hales like she has been, but since that is Luke's name for me, it makes sense. "Why wouldn't he want me?"

"Oh, Tigger, Luke loves you, I know that. No matter what, that's true, okay?"

"But not the way he's supposed," she sniffles, trying to get her tears under control. I must be looking at her oddly because she next says, "I'm only in here because I figured it would be the last place you'd look. I didn't want you to see me crying."

"Ah, Tigger, you've seen me cry, I've seen you cry, this isn't a time to hide from me, okay? Come on, let's get out of the tub, okay?" She nods, and stands up. "Where do you want to go?"

She shrugs. "I don't know, my room, I guess." I follow her to her bedroom, and sit down on the chairs she has in front of her windows. "I knew this was coming," she admits once we're both settled, "I knew it wouldn't work out, even before we got married."

"Oh, Tigger," I sigh, "Why did you marry him then?"

"Because I do love him. He made me feel special, and no one else has ever done that for me besides Luke. No other man has even come close to doing that the way he has. It just wasn't – it's not what either of us thought it would be, and it's not even what I wanted. How could I have been so wrong, how could I have been so stupid about this?"

"You weren't stupid," I counter, "You just tried something, and it didn't work. Not everything does."

She nods. "I just thought I could do this, I thought I could love him enough, in the right ways, and he'd do the same, and everything would be all la-di-da-di wonderful or something."

"There isn't much that is that kind of wonderful in this world," I sigh, shifting my weight around on the chair. "You guys did the best you can."

"Yeah, too bad I always thought your best was supposed to be good enough," she sighs, "I just wanted so bad for this to work so I wouldn't be like all those unhappy, divorced, and alone people out there. I don't want to be that."

She seems to be taking it so well, so calm, so collected, and truth be told, that freaks me out a little bit. "Brooke, I heard you screaming at him, what happened? How are you so – so okay now?"

"I knew it was coming," she whispers, "I knew it was just a matter of time before one of us said it, and it just happened to be him. I guess I wasn't expecting it tonight, and I freaked out, but I knew it would happen."

"Oh, honey, I'm so sorry for you, you don't even know."

She nods. "I know, I mean, I do. It's just that, I don't know, how come it's so hard? How come, even though I knew – knew! – it was coming, how come it still hurts so bad?"

I shrug. "I don't know, Tigger, I wish I did. I'm sorry," I tell her quietly, "I know this is hard for you. I know it is."

"I just – you know, I knew I would lose him one day, I did. But the worst part is that I'm afraid of losing everyone else, too." I start to protest, thinking she means me. "No, not just you," she laughs, "I mean everyone. His whole family, which has really opened themselves to me."

"They don't work like that, Tigger, especially Karen. They'll still treat you just like they do now, you don't have to worry about that."

She shrugs. "I can't help but worry about that. What if Karen thinks I screwed Luke over or something? What if she thinks that I hurt him or something? Or that I married him for his money?"

I can't help but laugh. "Luke doesn't have any money, Tigger, he works at Keith's garage," I point out.

She cracks a small smile. "You're right, he's broke. God, I am so afraid that I won't be able to function without him in my life," she sighs.

I stop myself from rolling my eyes. "You were fine before him, and you know you'll be just fine without him," I point out.

She nods. "I know, I do know this. It's just hard, okay? Like, it was so easy to be his girlfriend and be a part – an official part, I mean – of his family, and not just your tag-a-long friend for a change."

"They never thought of you that way," I assure her, trying to assuage her doubts and fears on this one. I see where she's coming from, though – she latched onto the whole family vibe that Deb and Karen have worked so hard to cultivate in this family even more than she did Lucas, and that's what is actually harder for her to let go of. I bet Lucas picked up on this, too.

"I don't know, I just don't want to see those relationships wrecked, you know? If I wasn't so worried about that," she admits, quietly, "I might've done this awhile ago. Or else I may have pushed at him to the point where he'd do it for me. That's what I did now. I just feel like such a failure and a fraud."

"Oh, Tigger, you aren't a failure. You went for something, and it didn't work out. So you're cutting your losses, and maybe you guys will be able to part on good terms."

She shrugs. "I'd really like that, but the things – the things I said to him tonight, even though I knew I'd driven him to do this, they were mean, and uncalled for, not to mention completely unjustified."

"He'll forgive you, Luke is good at that," I assure her.

"We'll see. No matter what, it'll never be the same now. Things have been changed forever, and that sucks."

"Change always sucks," I inform her, "That should be my mantra or something because it is one of the few things in this world I firmly believe in. But I've also finally figured out that sometimes you have to roll with the change to maximize the good that can come out of it."

"What good comes out of being a 23 year old divorcee?" she wonders, and I'm at a loss as to what to say that doesn't sound like a Hallmark card.

Coming up with nothing, I answer, "Um, now you can find what you really need? The love of your life? I don't know, everything you ever dreamed of?"

She snorts. "Please, do I look that lucky? Has anything that has happened in the five years – God, five whole years – that we've been best friends given you the indication that I have anything resembling the kind of luck needed for that?"

"Quit being so negative," I admonish her, "If this is what you wanted to happen, then you damn well better embrace it! Tigger, you're in a place where you can get anything you want, you just have to go for it!"

"I guess," she sighs doubtfully, "I just never pictured myself divorced before twenty-five. Thirty, maybe, if we're being honest, but not twenty-five. And not from Luke."

"You've pictured yourself being divorced?" I question with a raised eyebrow, thinking this is one of the strangest things I've ever heard. She looks up and shrugs, but can't keep the smile off of her face. "You're such a freak, Tigger."

She laughs. "And maybe just a smidge clairvoyant," she points out, "After all, I did predict it for myself."

"Self-fulfilling prophecy much?"

"Maybe, but in any case, I was right. Oh, well."

I think she's in shock a little. Like she doesn't quite know what to do with all of this, but in a weird way, I really do think she's okay. I guess this is why I grew up being told that it's best to mind your own business – you never can quite understand that of other people.

The worst part about all of this is that I was right. I had a bad feeling about all of this from – well, if not the beginning, then close to it. It sucks to be right in this case, because I would've selfishly loved it if two of my best friends could be happy together. This is going to be such a mess, but there does seem to be the chance that things won't change too much.

"You look tired," she comments from her chair, "How are you feeling?"

"Tired," I smile, "Fat. I'm almost glad Nathan can't see me now. I just feel so huge and undesirable. It's awful."

"Aw, you're still a hot mama," she smiles, "And please, Nathan would be the first one lining up to tell you. He always gets this glazed over look on his face around you, like he's counting down the seconds until he can get you naked."

I laugh. "Do I get the same one?"

"Yeah, but not as often. But, ew, sometimes when you're on the phone with him now you do, and then I have to leave the room for fear of what you're about to do."

I gasp, smacking her on the leg. "I do not!"

She laughs, a genuine laugh, which relieves me some. "You do! You totally do! Ask Luke and Tim, they've noticed, too!"

The fact that she can say his name without freaking out is a good sign as far as I'm concerned. "Oh, my God, they've seen it, too! Tigger!"

She shrugs, "So, what? I'd be more concerned over the fact that Deb and Dan, his parents, have probably noticed, too!"

"You're evil!" I exclaim when I realize she's teasing me, "You are pure, unadulterated evil, Brooke Elizabeth Davis!"

She laughs. "Aw, but it made me feel so much better! You don't begrudge a girl who has just been asked for a divorce that, do you?"

"Wow, playing the divorce card already?" I smirk, "You must be desperate."

"Yeah, well, what can I say? If you've got it, use it, right? And if the sympathy divorce card is the best card in my hand, then who would I be not to play it?"

"You know, for such a hot shot, you can be a big dork sometimes," I tell her, laughing, "And you call me one!"

"Duh, why do you think we're such great friends? We're all just big dorks."

"Well, that's something I can't argue with," I admit, "So, how are you doing now? You seem a little better."

"You mean since I got out of the bathtub?" she smirks, "I'm okay, Tigger. I promise. It'll be hard for awhile, but I'll be okay. Don't worry about me. Luke is probably worse off than I am."

"Let's not worry about him right now," I suggest, figuring it's better to deal with one thing at a time.

"I can't help it," she smiles wryly, "After the guilt trip I laid on him, I know he's feeling like absolute shit."

"Well, maybe he deserved it a little," I shrug.

She shakes her head, negating that notion. "Nah, like I said, I knew, and even if I didn't, the onus should be on both of us, right?"

"I guess so," I sigh, "But you aren't doing a very good job of letting me comfort you, you know."

"Maybe I don't need as much comfort as any of us figured I would." She shrugs. "I don't know. I could stand to get out of this house, though. Want to drive to Durham and bug Tim at work?"

I have nothing better to do, and I could stand to get out of the house. I make her promise to drive both ways and to not make faces at me when I talk to Nathan on the phone, and then I agree to go. It'll be good to go bug Tim, and obviously Brooke wants to be around him now, so that'll be good, too.

Once we're settled in the car, I pull out my cell phone and dial Nathan's now familiar Seattle number.

"Hey baby," he says when he picks up on the third ring, "How's my girl and my big, strong little guy?"

"You don't know it's a boy, Nathan," I remind him for about the eight thousandth time. He's convinced it's a boy, but a small part of me hopes for a girl. Oh, I'll love it either way, but there's just something about little girls and little girl clothes that is really appealing to me right now.

"Sure, I do. I've felt that kick many times now," he points out. Which is true, he has, but I'm certainly not convinced that it is indicative of anything. Maybe we just have the next Mia Hamm on our hands.

"No, no," he says confidently, "It's a boy."

"You're sure cocky about this!" I exclaim, "And seeing as we haven't asked the doctor to tell us the sex yet, I don't really see how you can be!"

"We're the only people left in America who aren't finding out, by the way!" he grumbles, "If we were normal, we'd know definitively!"

"Aw, poor baby, didn't get his way," I tease him.

"Hey now," he warns, "Let's not go into who gets their way more often, okay? Because I think we both know it isn't me!"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," I laugh, "I'll drop that subject." I know full well he's right – I have gotten my way in almost everything since we've gotten back together, but I haven't really taken the time to analyze what that means.

"That's what I thought. So, I heard from Lucas," he starts, "He sounded like ass on a stick. Mumbling and wheezing something about Brooke and divorce?"

"Yeah, I can't really talk about that now," I sigh, even though it would've been nice to bounce what happened off of him, and see if he thought they were both, Brooke particularly, as okay as they proclaimed.

"She there with you?" he asks, already knowing.

"Yeah, Brooke and I are going to Durham to visit and bug Tim. I was getting cabin fever, so instead of sitting on my ass in the house, I'm sitting on my ass in the car."

"Hey, how you feeling, anyways? Everything is going good, right?"

"Yes, everything is fine. I know you weren't worrying, since you've been assured by both my doctor here and the one we saw in Seattle that everything is fine, and that I'm healthy as healthy gets," I remind him, gently teasing him about his tendencies to be a little overprotective.

"I know," he laughs, "I was just asking how you were feeling, and making sure that everything was good. That doesn't necessarily imply major concern, now, does it?"

"With you, sort of," I retort, laughing. I feel a little bad that we're having this flirty conversation in front of Brooke, but it's important to me that we do this every day, even if it's just over the phone, which it usually is.

"Hey, I resent that," he laughs back at me. "God, I miss you. When are you coming back out here to visit me? Was that next week that you said?"

"Nathan!" I laugh, "I can't go out there now, there is so much to do. I'm working with your mom to get the new café settled, and I'm also decorating it. I'm also decorating Keith's garage lounge like I promised ages ago. So much to do, so little time."

"Just don't wear yourself out, okay, baby?"

"I promise I won't. Hey, I miss you, too, by the way."

"I knew that," he responds smugly, "I can hear it your voice. The way you say my name all sexy and husky."

"You brat," I laugh, poking Brooke when she rolls her eyes, "That's you, not me, who does all of those things!"

"Yeah, maybe a little," he admits, "What can I say, though, I miss you, and most of the guys on the team are either married or have girlfriends, so I'm around couples all the time. It just makes me miss you even more."

"Well, that's really sweet," I sigh, "And I miss you, too, with or without couple flaunting. When's your next east coast game?"

I know I'll have a better chance of being able to stand traveling if he's at least on the same coast, and I really do want to see him, so the sooner the better. "Ah, I think we're in Philadelphia a week and a half from now. Don't you have your little schedule with you?"

I laugh. "Nathan, I'm in the car. You're at home, don't you have yours?" I mock, laughing harder when he mutters something indistinguishable under his breath. "Crap, Nathan, I have to go, we're pulling into the parking lot of Tim's office building."

"Okay, baby, have fun tonight. Love you."

"Love you, too. I have some pictures to send you, so I'll email those in the morning."

"Can't wait," and I can hear the genuine smile in his voice as he says that. Now, will he still be saying that when he sees how large I am, I don't know, but its sweet he says it now.

"So we're here," Brooke sighs as I hang up my phone, stuffing it back in my purse. Weird to think that in less than two months (I hope) I'll be carrying around a damn diaper bag instead of a purse.

"We are here," I agree, wondering what's going on. Her mood seems to have shifted again, and I'm not sure what to make of it. "You okay?"

She nods. "Yeah, I was just thinking that Tim will be the first person besides you that I have to face about this. The first of many, many people," she sighs.

"Tim is going to be behind you one hundred percent, Tigger. You aren't worried about that, are you?"

She shakes her head. "It's just going to be hard to say the words to someone who might be surprised by everything."

I shrug. "Well, you have to do it, so I you might as well just come out and say it. You go up to his office. I'll wait down here in the lobby." She looks like she might want to protest, so I fix this new 'mom' stare I've been practicing in the mirror on her, and she shuts up. "You need to do this yourself. I won't always be there to act as a buffer for you on this one, Tigger."

She nods, but doesn't move. I give her a gentle shove and she gets moving. I follow her a few minutes later, finding a chair in the lobby to settle down in. It is really nice to have a few minutes to sit here mindlessly, not having to worry about anyone for a few seconds because I know that everyone is with people who will take care of them. Well, everyone except Nathan, but as far as I know, he doesn't need me worrying over him right now. Missing him, yes, but worrying about him, no.

It isn't long before the elevator doors open, revealing Brooke and Tim. Tim has his arm around her shoulders, and she looks….relieved, I guess. Probably glad that she made it through telling the first person what happened.

"Hey, Baby Mama," Tim greets me, holding a hand out for me to latch onto so he can heft me out of the chair, "How're you?"

"Tired and hungry, how are you? Oh, and my back and feet hurt, too. Someone ought to be informed of that," I joke, "And since I forgot to tell Nathan, I'm telling you."

He rolls his eyes. "Must not hurt too bad if you didn't remember that it was hurting enough to tell him," he points out.

"Ouch, he's got ya there, Tutor Girl," Brooke laughs. I smack her on the arm before giving her a hug. "I still love you, though," she smiles.

"Gee, thanks. What is this, gang up on Haley night?"

"I thought that was every night," Tim shrugs with a grin, "But if you want to make tonight extra special gang up on Haley night, I'm down."

"Butthead," I mutter, feigning irritation. Really, though, they could pick on me all night if it makes Brooke smile.

"Butthead?" he asks, disbelieving, "Surely you did not just call me a 'butthead'. What is this, second grade?"

I glare at him, "I was trying to spare my poor, unborn child the trauma of hearing me call it's Uncle Tim a nasty name, but if you want, I am more than willing to drop the f-bomb on you, Smith!"

Brooke just laughs at our banter. "You two are both retarded, and I call bullshit on your out of the blue need to protect your child's virgin ears," she smiles at me, "If I recall correctly, and I usually do, wasn't it you who cussed out the UPS guy because that last package you sent to Nathan took three days longer than it was supposed to?" She turns to Tim, "And when I say cussed, I mean, she put Pacino's character in 'Scarface' to shame!"

I roll my eyes as Tim gets a gleam in his eyes. "Oh, really, you would go off on a cussing tear that rivaled one of the greatest cuss movies ever, and now you're gonna play this butthead situation this way, huh?"

I burst out laughing – I can't help, I can't keep a straight face any longer. "She always cracks first," Brooke comments to Tim, and he nods in agreement.

"Every time," he laughs, "It's like clockwork or something."

"You two are such exaggerators," I decide, picking up my purse so we can get out of here, "Anyways, where are we going? I'm hungry."

"You're always hungry," Brooke sighs, shaking her head, "And that is precisely why I never want to have children. I mean, hello, I gain weight looking at ice cream, so could you imagine how I'd blow up if I actually had like cravings and stuff for it! Hideous, I tell you!"

Tim and I both roll our eyes and laugh as we walk out to the car. "Please, Brookie, you're going to be the one who ends up with four kids and a mini-van with a dog named Fido and a white picket fence," Tim tells her.

"Ha," she snorts, "As if there is even the remotest chance of that happening. Hello, Divorce Queen, right here!"

"Brooke, one divorce does not a Divorce Queen make. When you're on your fifth or sixth, then let's talk."

"You only say that because you've got one under your belt."

"Please, that was an annulment, and you know it," I retort. We both forgot that Tim didn't know about my high school marriage to Nathan until we realize that he stopped walking. "Oh, Tim," I sigh, turning around to face him.

"How long has she known?" he wonders quietly, pointing at Brooke.

I shrug, "I don't know, sometime pretty quick after my would-be wedding with Jason. I just – I don't know, but I don't like to talk about it. It wasn't that I didn't want you to know, it was more that it was hard to talk about."

He nods, but I still think he's hurt I told Brooke and not him. "Okay," he shrugs.

"Tim, it's not a big deal, I promise. I mean, it was a long time ago, and in the end, my parents made it so that it was like it never happened."

"Legally, but not emotionally, not for you. Well, I mean, this is weird," he sighs, "Both of you have been married, and I can't even nail down a girlfriend for more than six months at a pop. I just – it sucks that you never told me."

"It wasn't like I didn't tell you to spite you; you know that. It was just, when I told Brooke, that would've been a horrible, awful time to tell you, and then it was never relevant. I mean, it's just not something that comes up every day, you know?"

He shrugs. "I guess. Did you ever tell Jason?" I shake my head to indicate that, no, I did not tell Jason. "Oh, James, come on, you didn't tell him?" He looks really irritated with me for having kept this a secret from everyone.

"Look, it was weird, okay? How many people do you know get married in high school? Probably just me and Nathan, right? So it isn't exactly something that you bring up a lot, because a lengthy explanation of not only how it came about is in order, but you also have to go into why you thought it would be a good idea. And Jesus, Tim, I couldn't tell you or Jason why I had married Nathan – it would've been like rubbing him in Jason's face, and I couldn't do that!"

He sighs. "Okay, fine, I get it. You know, though, you could've told me since then. Or even before you met Jason."

"It wasn't that easy to talk about," I sigh, "It was always something that was private, special, and I just kind of wanted to keep it for myself, never letting other people's opinions taint it. That's why I never talk to anyone about it."

"Well, why'd you tell Brooke, then, if you never talk about it?" he questions, "What makes it okay to talk to her, but not me?"

"Tim, come on!" I exclaim. Brooke just sits back and watches us, probably thrilled for the distraction and having the heat off of her. If this was back in high school, I would've questioned her slip of tongue as being on purpose, but I know her now, and I know it was pure accident.

"No, Haley, you come on! I'm supposed to be your other best friend, right? Or your other other? Whatever, I don't know anymore. Anyways, I'd be my car that Luke knows, and of course, Brooke knows, so how come Tim doesn't know?"

"Because he talks in third person," Brooke barges in before I even have time to formulate a response.

Tim and I both glare at her, and she just shrugs and glances back down at her fingernails. "Look, Tim, I'm sorry it never came up. I'm sorry I never had that perfect opening to work into a conversation that I had married Nathan in high school. God, it's so unbelievable that when I first told her, Brooke thought it was a joke. I think Luke did, too, for a second, but then he realized it couldn't be," I sigh, blushing at the memory.

He shakes his head. "I just don't get why you couldn't tell me, James. I mean, am I a worse friend than them? Am I bad to talk to? What's the deal?"

"It's none of those things," I exclaim, "Tim, you are a great friend, and you are always wonderful to talk to you! You make me laugh, and you make me smile, and once in awhile, you actually allow nuggets of truth to slip into your advice! That isn't what this was about!"

He nods. "Okay, fine," he sighs, "Just – if you get married again, could you let me know? Or the next time you're planning on revealing deep, dark secrets, tell me, and I'll bring my sleeping bag to the slumber party so I can find out."

"You just hope we'd have a pillow fight in our panties and tank tops," Brooke laughs, rolling her eyes.

"Am I really that predictable?" he asks, laughing with us.

"Yes!" we both exclaim in unison.

"Well, then," he grins, pulling us into a hug. "I can't believe you've both been married. And divorced-slash-annulled. And I'm just hanging out in Single-ville, not even able to get a date!"

"That is kind of wrong," Brooke agrees, "Tell ya what, I won't get married and divorced again until you are with a girl for over six months, okay?" She holds out her hand for him to shake, which he takes.

"Deal," he laughs, shaking his head at her.

"You two are ridiculous," I laugh, putting an arm around each of their shoulders.

"Just the way you like us," Tim reminds me.

He's right, that is just how I like them.

February, 2011

"I've never been more happy to just be average in my life," Nathan sighs from his position spooned up behind me.

"I wouldn't call you average, exactly, though," I point out. He seems to think that just because he didn't make the all-star team, he's just average. Try explaining to him that just making the NBA means he's far about average.

The good thing is, though, that by not making the team, he got to come here, to Tree Hill, for a week, and spend time with me. I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow that he'll be able to go to with me, and more to the point, we get to spend plenty of time together cuddled up in bed at his parent's beach house.

"Well, whatever I am, I'm glad that I'm being it here and not anywhere else," he whispers into my hair, tickling the back of my neck. I sigh in contentment as his hands run over my very large belly.

"I can agree one hundred percent with that sentiment," I whisper back, glancing over my shoulder to smile at him. "I'm so glad you're here," I assert, "I've missed you. The baby misses you."

"I know," he laughs cockily, "He's kicking up a storm. It must be the sound of my voice. He knows his daddy is here."

I shake my head, but can't help laughing. "Did you ever think that he or she is always kicking like this?" I ask.

"Nope," he responds, kissing my neck, "You'd have told me if he was kicking you like this all of the time."

I hate it when he's right sometimes. It isn't fair. If the increased levels of activity are any indication, this kid is either going to be a daddy's baby or Nathan is going to have this incredible power to amp it up to new levels of hyperactivity. Either way, I think I'm screwed. These two are going to gang up on me so badly.

I reach my arm back, and rub my hand over his shoulder, unable to get enough of the taste, the feel, the smell of him. It's like I need him to invade every cell of my body, and even then, I don't know if that will fill the cravings I have for him.

"You feel good," he murmurs, kissing my neck again, letting his tongue graze a spot near my ear that he knows I'm particularly sensitive to.

"Nathan," I moan, hooking my arm behind him, trying to pull myself closer to him. I don't know if this extra-sensitivity is a pregnancy thing, which I've read happens, or if it's just a sensory deprivation thing, since I've only seen him about once a month since I found out I was pregnant.

He slides his hand down over my hip, and then up under my shirt. I wriggle back against him, pressing myself as close as humanly possible. "You like that?" he asks, a teasing smile sounding in his voice.

"You know I do," I moan, gasping when his hand slides up to cup my breast, "Nathan, stop torturing me unless you're going to follow through."

He pulls away, sitting up. "Who says I wasn't going to follow through?" he asks as he takes his shirt off. He pulls me to a sitting position, and removes my shirt. "God, you're gorgeous," he whispers reverently. I blush, not seeing what he sees, but the truth is there in his eyes, plain for all to see.

He makes me feel so loved, both in words and actions.

"How has my son been treating you?" Deb asks as she walks into the café.

I grin widely. "He's been wonderful, a prince among men. A little overprotective, but nothing I couldn't handle. He didn't want me to come to work today, but I think we can see who won that round," I joke.

She laughs. "Men just don't understand that being pregnant – even in the third trimester – does not make you an invalid."

"I guess not," I sigh, "And when I reminded him that I'd still be working even after the baby is born, and that the baby would be here with me, I thought he was going to have a coronary. His face actually turned purple." I pat my stomach. "Your daddy isn't going to let you do anything, kid," I inform it.

Deb places a reassuring hand on my shoulder. "He'll get over it. There really does come a point when they realize that they can't control everything, including their wife and kids. And luckily, Nathan had Dan to learn from, and since he is so hell-bent on being different from him, it shouldn't take him much time to realize that."

I nod. "I know, and I think a lot of it stems from the fact that he lives three thousand miles away. I know that isn't easy for him, and I think he's overcompensating when he is here, you know?"

"Very intuitive," she smiles, "And that sounds like my son."

I laugh. "Yeah, typical male Scott behavior overall, I guess. But it's so good to have him here that I can't even complain about his doting. Maybe make fun of it a little, but it's actually really nice."

"Typical indeed. I think even little Eric is starting to really perfect that Scott behavior, which is a little frightening."

"Just further proof that it is genetic, though," I point out, laughing. I've always liked Deb a lot, but she and I have become much closer since we've started working on the café together. It is definitely a good thing, all things considered.

We start going over some fabric swatches I've assembled to try and come up with a scheme that all of us can live with. Since I'm still working part time at the design firm, I've got access to all of these really great deals on fabrics and paints and such. Right now, the building is nearly ready for us to start the decorating, as the last of the drywall went up today.

"I kind of like the plaid," Deb sighs, "It gives it a homey feel, but it doesn't seem too feminine, like the flowers do."

"The plaid is nice," I agree, "And the colors and thickness of the lines are really rather trendy right now, but since its plaid, it should hold up well with changing styles."

"You think we should go for the plaid then?" she asks, glancing back at some of the other swatches.

"I like the plaid," I confirm, "And since it has four or five colors in it, it does give us a lot in terms of what we can do with the accent colors and stuff."

"Thank God for you," she laughs, "I think Karen and I would be painting the walls whitest white and using pre-made curtains and plain tables and chairs. It is going to turn out much better, much more interesting this way."

I smile at her, feeling a little shy from the compliments. "Well, thank you. I'm just grateful you guys have given me this opportunity."

"For the mother of my grandchild? I think it's a small thing to do. Not to mention you are extremely talented, too. That's just icing on the cake."

"Well, it's just great that you've done this for me. I've had a lot of fun, too, so it's pretty much the best kind of work possible," I grin.

She looks up and smiles at me, setting the swatches down. "It's been for me, too, honey. I hope you don't think that we only hired you for nepotistic reasons, because that's just not true! You are very talented!"

I blush, but smile. "Thank you. So, anyways," I clear my throat, wanting to steer this conversation back to something a little more neutral and a lot less likely to make me cry like a hormonal pregnant lady who is about to burst, "We'll go with the plaid." I pass her some paint palettes to look over and make choices on for main color and trim.

And so we work for awhile, stopping only when Karen comes in with lunch from the open and functioning café.

"How are you two doing?" she asks, "Making any progress?" She passes me a bowl of fettuccine alfredo with broccoli and mushrooms, which has been my biggest pregnancy craving. I smile up at her gratefully. Maybe it's because it was the first food I had after I found out I was pregnant, I don't know.

"Thanks Karen, you don't even know how much I was wanting this," I grin, almost squealing when I see she included garlic bread in the package, "You're too good to me!"

"Well, anything for my almost daughter," she laughs. "Now really, tell me what you two have been doing today," she orders even as she passes us lemonades and napkins.

"We chose a fabric," Deb smiles, "The plaid." Karen grins and nods approvingly. "We've also decided to go with a beige for the walls, and the darker taupe color for the trim. It should look very beautiful, judging by the drawings Haley put together."

I pass the sketches to Karen. "That's just a rough sketch filled in with water colors, but it should give you the basic idea," I explain, returning my attention to my food.

"It looks great," Karen smiles, "I can't wait to see how it all comes together!" Her smile falters a little, though, and I now notice how tired she looks. When she sees me looking at her, she smiles slightly again. "The divorce," she explains with a sigh.

"They aren't fighting, are they?" Deb asks curious. "I thought it was going along pretty amicably so far."

Karen nods. "Well, we all had, and it's not out of hand or anything, but it is frustrating. Luke is so adrift now, and he isn't sure what he wants to do. Brooke won't take my phone calls, so I can't even get in touch with her to offer my condolences."

"She's scared you hate her," I tell Karen with a sigh, "She's just so petrified that she's going to lose everyone, not just Luke. In a weird way, I think that's more of her guiding motivation right now than anything else."

Karen sighs, "Well, I wish she'd at least come to the phone when I call her. Poor Tim must think I'm crazy since I keep calling."

I laugh. "Tim is crazy, so he can't be thinking that about anyone else," I point out, "And besides, I think Tim is fully cognizant of how scared Brooke is that people hate her for this, and he knows that if you're calling, it means you don't."

"Those poor kids," Deb laments, "It's hard enough to know what you want and how to deal with life when you're our age, but when you're that young, it is truly more difficult."

"Hey, young one in the house," I laugh, pointing to myself, "Although, I think I prove your point, doing I?"

Deb looks away and Karen just gives me a wry smile. "Well, I think you're doing better now, but there was a point when I wasn't sure if you would ever figure things out," Karen laughs.

Deb laughs with her, but I don't feel like any of it is at my expense. I know they both understand to an extent what it is like to make the tough decisions, and how sometimes the hardest thing in the world is to learn to let you be happy. I guess that I'm just lucky to have two such great women to have learned that lesson from.

The door opens again, and a ragged looking Lucas comes in. "Hey, Mom, Trevor said you'd be here," he announces, referring to a busboy at the other café, "I thought I'd stop by and see how you all were."

"Luke, I thought you were playing golf with Nathan today?" I ask, confused. "Remember, you picked him up at the beach house a few hours ago?"

He nods. "Yeah, we did, nine holes." I nod, even though I have no idea what nine holes has to do with anything. "I just wasn't feeling it, and I think Nathan would rather be spending his time with you than me. He went to the beach house hoping you'd be there. He's probably over and your place now bugging Brooke and Tim."

I laugh. "I told him where I'd be last night! And Luke, I told him again this morning, when you were standing there. Why didn't you remind him?"

He shakes his head giving a rueful laugh. "You know, I forgot. I didn't remember until I got to the other café and Trevor told me Mom was here."

I roll my eyes at him, and Karen shakes her head at his lack of observation. "Luke, I just don't know what to do with you," she sighs, shaking her head in mock consternation.

I hold my hands out to him. "Well, help me up so I can go call him," I order, "Maybe I can catch him before he gets anywhere near Tim and Brooke."

Deb frowns, "Do you think something would happen?"

I shrug, "I don't know, probably not, but why take the chance, right?"

"Always a good point," she laughs.

"Well, and Brooke still really is not a fan of his," Luke pipes, so not helping anything, "And she is way less likely to restrain herself than Tim is."

Once he gets me lifted to my feet, I reach a hand out and smack him with it. "If you don't have nice things to say about Brooke, don't say anything in my presence," I growl.

"Sorry, sorry, I didn't mean anything by it," he responds, "And it won't happen again, scary pregnant lady with the surprisingly Hulk-like hitting arm."

"Hey!" I squeal, laughing, "Don't call me scary and pregnant anymore, got it?"

"Can I call you one or the other?" he jokes.

"Pregnant, yes, scary, no!"

"Got it," he laughs, "I'll be on my best behavior and tiptoe around the pregnant lady from now on."

"You don't have to call me lady all the time," I grumble, "And last I checked, you knew my name still." Deb and Karen are shaking their heads at our childish argument, but both have amused smiles on their faces. "You piss me off," I mutter, finishing my little diatribe. I guess the whole out of whack hormone thing is true, because I am so up and down these days.

He just sits there smiling. "Did you forget what you were going to do when you started yelling at me?"

"You mean when you provoked me into yelling at you by being a complete brat?" I know I'm being childish, but I'm eight months pregnant, and damn it, I feel like being a brat. So there.

"If you weren't pregnant, I'd give you a noogie," he threatens.

"Okay, children," Karen jumps in, "At least one of you should act like an adult from time to time."

"Well, it should obviously be the one who is going to have a child in about a month," Luke grins, poking me in the arm. He is so much closer to being a brother than a friend sometimes that it is completely ridiculous. In a good way, of course. He laughs as he walks into the back room.

"Fine, I'll be mature. Crap, now what was I supposed to do?"

"Call Nathan," Deb laughs from her spot on the floor. She and Karen are looking over the drawings again.

"No need for that," he says from the doorway. I glance up in surprise, not having heard him enter.

"Hey you," I smile, moving as quickly as I can to get to him and throw my arms around his neck.

"Hey yourself," he grins, awkwardly fitting his arms around me. "I missed you this morning."

I laugh. "You just saw me two and a half hours ago, I think you're fine!"

He shrugs. "Well, I did. But, hey, I picked up some passengers on my way here," he says, stepping away from the door. It's now that I notice he isn't quite comfortable with everything, and when Brooke and Tim step in, its obvious why.

I don't know what to do – a part of me wants to cry at this gesture, on all of their parts, really, and another part just wants to sing and dance and rejoice that they can let go of whatever petty bullshit has kept them from liking each other over the years. It's just such a relief, and while I don't harbor the delusion that everything has been magically fixed, it's a start, and a damn good one at that.

"Yeah, Nathan invited us along to come see you," Tim grins, kissing me on the cheek as he walks by, "How's baby and baby mama today?"

"We're both great," I smile, hoping my eyes convey my silent gratification. He might never know how much it means that he can let go of even a tiny bit of what's between he and Nathan.

"Good," he smiles, glancing around to see what changes we've made so far. He and Brooke came with me one morning to check the place out, but neither have been back since most of the renovations were completed. "Looks good in here," he smiles.

Deb and Karen show him around, and apprise him of the changes as Brooke wraps me in a hug. "I miss you," she smiles, and I can tell she means it. I can't imagine what will happen when – or if, I guess – I decide to move to Seattle with Nathan.

"Aw, I miss you, too, Tigger," I tell her as she hugs me. I mouth 'thank you' to Nathan over her shoulder, and he winks at me.

Brooke's gasp startles me, and I practically jump out of her arms to see what she's staring at: Lucas. Of course, I hadn't even realized that she wouldn't know he was here. Karen stands up, moving over to Brooke. She grabs her by the elbow and guides her outside; I know she wants to talk privately, so I just stay behind.

"Well," Nathan sighs, "Maybe it wasn't such a good idea."

I shake my head. "No, its fine, Karen has been wanting to talk to her. Besides, it's going to happen, you know?"

"I think I'll hang out in the – well, where the kitchen will be," Luke announces, "I'll be back in a bit."

"Man, don't go," Tim says, jumping in, "She'll be fine in a few minutes. It's Brooke, she's the tough one, you know? It was just a surprise."

I nod, agreeing with Tim. "And regardless of that, you two need to suck it up. You're two of my best friends, and I'm having a baby in a month, and I'd really like it if you could put your damn differences aside and be around, okay?"

He nods warily. "I just hate that she's so uncomfortable around me, and if leaving will lessen some of that for her, then I really should go."

"No, you shouldn't!" I say forcefully, and everyone left in the room looks at me in surprise. "Look, Luke, I'm sorry, I know you don't deserve me yelling at you, but you two have to put this shit behind you. It's what you both wanted, right? I know you've told each other that, so quit acting like this!"

"It's not that easy, Hales," Luke points out, "It's not that easy to pretend like we never hurt each other! It's not that easy to pretend like things are okay, even when they aren't! We can't all be you and Nathan, now can we?"

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" I yell back. Nathan moves in between us, trying to push me towards a chair. "No, Nathan, I want to hear what he has to say!"

"Haley," he groans, a look of fear in his eyes, "Please, just come sit down." I refuse, and he throws his hands up. I fix my gaze on Luke again.

"You think you and Nathan have resolved things?" he bites out as Deb and Tim both hastily step outside, "Because if you do, then you're delusional, Hales! You two never talked about anything, you never talked about the pain you caused him when you pushed him away for no good reason! You never talked about how much it hurt you when he started dating that girl freshman year! And I know you sure as shit never talked about what you being with Jason almost did to him."

I look from him to Nathan, stricken. The look on Nathan's face makes it more than abundantly clear that Luke is right, nothing is really resolved between us. Sure, we've polished things up so that they're shiny and pretty on the outside, but the inside, that's where things are still tarnished, unresolved. Not entirely fixed.

Luke sighs, stepping to me and wrapping his arms around me. "I'm sorry, I – I – I shouldn't have said anything. God, shit, Hales, I'm so sorry. Nathan, man, I'm sorry." I nod wordlessly, knowing he means that. "I just – I can't pretend, I'm sorry, I snapped. I'm so sorry."

He claps Nathan on the back as he walks outside with everyone else, and the irony of it all is that when I turn and look out the window, I see him and Brooke talking to each other.

"It's not like that, Haley," Nathan says from behind me.

I rest my hands under my belly. "Isn't it, though? God, Nathan, of course it is! You probably don't trust me at all," I say quietly.

"Haley, of course I trust you." He tries to turn me around to face him, but I shrug him off, unable to do as he wishes. "Haley, would you turn around and look at me, please?"

I shake my head. "God, I can't, Nathan! I can't! Everything he said was true, we never discussed any of those things! We just pretend like it's dealt with, like it isn't even there, but it is!"

"So, what?" he asks calmly, stepping around in front of me, not letting me turn away from him again. "I mean it, Haley," he assures me when I scoff, "What damn difference does it make? Does it mean we love each other any less? Does it take away anything that we have?"

I shake my head. "I just – I don't want anything between us, and those things are. I saw it on your face, Nathan, when Luke was saying those things. It's there, and I don't know if we can ignore them anymore."

He shrugs. "You want to deal with it? Fine, we can, but it won't be easy, Haley. Isn't that why we've been putting it off? Isn't that why it just kind of got easier to pretend that everything was fine, and the past was just that, the past?"

"Maybe," I acknowledge, "But Nathan, it's there, and it's staring me in the face now. I don't know what to do with it besides talk about it."

"What do you want to say, Haley? Do you want to tell me that you were pissed when Lucas told you I was sleeping with, God, what's her name? Do you want to tell me that you hate me for the other girls I slept with? Go ahead, Haley, if that makes you feel better!"

I shake my head, rounding on him. "That isn't what this is about! This is about what I did to you, all the ways I treated you like crap! You never said any of the things that you should've, so say them now!"

He shakes his head at me, turning away. "Haley, I told you countless times that I thought it was stupid, and pointless, and that it hurt when you pushed me away, when you broke up with me. I know I covered my feelings on that one. And as for Jason? What's there to say? Yeah, it hurt, but what hurt most of all was that you chose him instead of me. I just didn't get why you didn't want me, why I wasn't good enough."

"Oh, Nathan," I sigh, tears running unchecked down my cheeks.

"No, I mean it. You know all the stupid things I did in college, like bust my ass to get the 4.0? That was for you; I thought if you saw that I could do that, if you saw that I could give up partying, and if you saw that I was willing to change and try and be better, I thought maybe you'd love me again."

"Oh, God, Nathan, I never stopped loving you. Never! Even when I thought I should, I couldn't, and even when I was positive you didn't love me, I didn't! It was always you! It always was, I couldn't help it!"

"Then why are we doing this, Haley? I love you, and you love me, and yeah, shit sucked really hard for awhile there, but it doesn't anymore. Because we know that we don't have to let it! Let's just let the past stay where it belongs, okay?"

I nod, breaking into a sob when he takes me in his arms. "I'm sorry I freaked out," I whisper, tightening my hold on him.

"I know, baby," he sighs, running his hands over my back, "We can chalk it up to pregnancy hormones if you like."

I laugh at his gentle teasing. "That might be the best we can do with this, huh?"

"Hey, don't look now, but everyone is staring in the window at us," he chuckles, "Practically have their faces pressed against it."

I stay in the comforting circle of his arms, already knowing the looks of concern that would be etched across each of their faces. "I bet Luke feels really bad," I comment, my fingers tracing lazy circles on his back under his shirt.

"Probably," he agrees, "But I'm still going to kick his ass. I can't believe he ran his big mouth like that."

"He didn't mean to," I assure him, "And he probably feels a lot worse than either of us do. And in a way, he was right – we needed to clear the air, even if it was just to decide the past is the past."

He shrugs. "I don't know, I just don't see what good it would do anyone to hear the things that you already feel worst about laid out by the person you love most, you know?"

I nod. "I know," I agree, "But when he was saying it, it just made sense that we should say it. But it wouldn't do any good, you're right."

"Hey, so we made some mistakes, right? Look where we are now, we have a baby on the way, Haley. If things had gone any other way, maybe we wouldn't be here now, right?"

When he puts it that way, everything seems so much better, and the past is easier to take. And he's right, of course, if we'd tried to stay together after high school, who knows what would've happened? Maybe things would've progressed to the point where we caused irreparable damage. Then again, maybe not. The point is, sometimes you just don't know, and that sometimes things turn out for the best.

"I love you, Nathan."

He kisses me gently, causing me to moan and pull him closer when he slips his tongue into my mouth. "That's the one thing I always know is true," he whispers against my lips. "You're the one truth I have in this world. I'd do anything for you, for us, for our baby."

"Me, too," I assure him, "Anything at all."

He pulls back, taking a deep breath. "Move to Seattle with me," he requests simply, "Let's be a family that's actually together."

I nod, agreeing. I think my mind has been made up for awhile now, I just hadn't admitted it to myself. "I think that's for the best," I tell him, my voice firm.

His face lights up like a little kid looking at a Christmas tree. "Y – y – you will?" he manages to stutter out, "You'll move to Seattle with the baby?"

I nod again. "Yeah. I want to be with you, Nathan. I want both of us to be there as often as possible for our baby. If I have to move to Seattle for that to happen, then that's what I want to do," I smile, relieved that I've made the decision.

The hard part – telling everyone here – is still to come. I know that it's going to be awful, and that being in a new city with an infant while Nathan is traveling is going to be hard, but I want to be with him.

"When?" he asks simply.

"As soon as the baby is old enough," I shrug, "I'm not sure exactly when that will be. Maybe a month or two. I'll ask the doctor next time I see her."

He nods, unable to keep the smile off of his face. "God, we are going to be together officially," he beams.

And just like that, everything is decided. In two or three months, depending on what the doctor says, me and this child will be moving to Seattle to be with Nathan. In the span of about five seconds, I said my decision aloud, and I've forever altered my life.

"I'm scared," I admit to him, hoping he understands that it isn't about him or even us, just about being away from everything I've ever known, ever loved.

"I know, baby," he says, pulling me back to him.

"I just – I don't know how to leave everyone. It's going to be so hard – what will I do without them?" I wonder aloud.

"I don't know, but I'll be there every step of the way, doing anything I can for you, anything to make it easier."

"I know, Nathan," I smile, "And I love you even more for that." I pull away from him, grinning. "We're going to live together. Can you believe that despite everything we've been through, we've never lived together?" I laugh.

He shakes his head. "Yeah, but we're fixing that mistake now, so I guess it doesn't matter anymore."

"Oh, my God, I'm moving to Seattle," I laugh, rubbing my hands over my lower back. Seeing what I'm doing, Nathan moves behind me and massages the poor, aching muscles for me. "Mm, thank you, baby, that feels so good."

"Has it hurt all the time?" he asks sympathetically.

I shake my head. "Just the last few weeks, and it isn't so bad, I promise. I'm just getting so huge, and my back is taking the brunt of it. I guess now I can sympathize with the girls who bitched about having huge chests," I joke.

He leers at me, openly ogling my chest over my shoulder as he continues rubbing my back, "I don't know, Haley J, seeing as I'm the resident expert on that part of you, I'd say you're definitely growing there, too."

"Hey, that's a pregnancy thing!" I protest, laughing, "Maybe when it's all done, they'll let me keep them."

"We can only hope so," he laughs, "That's a whole lot of pretty right there."

"Nathan!" I exclaim, laughing. I glance out the window and see that everyone is still standing around out there. "Uh, Nathan, should we tell them it's safe to come back in now?" I ask, laughing.

He laughs, too, "I guess that'd be nice. Are we going to tell them now that you're going to move to Seattle with me once this little man is born?"

"Let's not tell them yet," I suggest, kissing his pouting lips, "I just don't want to blurt it out now. I'm going to have to tell people personally, you know?"

He nods. "Yeah, I'm just really excited, really happy that you've agreed to move. I know it's a lot for you to do, Haley. You have no idea how much it means to me."

"Nathan, it's what is best for us, and best for this baby. Of course I'm going to do it. As much as I wish our child could see it's grandparents and our friends every day, I know that it's much more important that it sees you as much as possible. I'm not that selfish."

"I never thought you were," he smiles, "But I just figured you'd want to stay here for awhile. At least until you got things figured out. But you know, I was thinking we could live here for the off-season. Wouldn't that be good?"

I laugh. "I thought you'd never suggest that!"

"Hey, anything for you," he grins, "And you know, what's the point of me having money if we don't spend it and enjoy it, right? So we can get a house here, on the beach maybe, with a boat or something."

I shake my head at him, but don't argue. We can do that later, and I know we will. His extravagance worries me greatly, and I know we're going to butt heads over it.

"We'll talk about that stuff later," I tell him, moving over to the door and sticking my head out to let everyone know it's safe to come back in.

They all still move around a little cautiously and awkwardly, and Luke motions us both over to the side. "Look, I'm really sorry about what I said. I just got nervous about her being here, and I took my shit out on you guys, and you didn't need that or deserve it. I'm really sorry."

"We know," I smile, "You kind of suck for it, but we know you're sorry. It's okay, Lukie, I promise." He gives me a little side hug before glancing over at Nathan.

"We're cool, man, but upset my pregnant girlfriend again, and I'm beating your ass like never before," he threatens him. Luke can barely keep the grin off his face.

"Thanks, you guys, for being so cool about me being a complete dickhead." I roll my eyes at him, pushing past them to go back and sit on the floor with Karen, Deb, and Brooke to resume the discussion of decorating and finish off my pasta. "My pasta got cold," I sigh, mournfully.

I focus all of my attention on the drawings laid out before us, taking notes as each of them throw out suggestions or thoughts. Glancing down at my watch, I'm surprised to see that an hour has passed since I sat down here. I look around for Nathan, and to my surprise – and delight – he's outside looking under the hood of Luke's car with Luke and Tim. They actually look like they're having fun, which is odd. Good odd, but still odd.

I have this lovely sense that things are falling into place, which in a way is weird, because I just made the decision to uproot my life. But that sense just goes to prove further that where Nathan is, that's where I'm supposed to be. As hard as leaving will be, I really think I made the right decision.

Things are falling into place, and not a moment too soon. Less than a month from now, I should be giving birth. Less than three months after that, I should be moving clear across the country to a city I've been to three times. I've always disliked change, resisted it, acted out because of it, so maybe it's weird that I'm so calm about this. Maybe it is just indicative about how right all of this is.


	21. Midnight Train to Georgia

**Chapter Twenty-One – _Midnight Train To Georgia_**

'_I'd rather live in his world,_

_Than live without him, in mine' – _Gladys Knight and the Pips

March 15, 2011

"Nathan, I feel like I'm going to pop," I whine into the phone. Just my luck, it is unseasonably warm this week, and so not only am I almost nine months pregnant, I'm hot and sweaty and completely miserable. "This kid needs to come out now."

"Hey, all in good time, baby," he assures me, "It'll all be worth it in the end. You can't rush our little guy!"

"Nathan, I know that," I respond, "But you need to not say that, seeing as how you've done absolutely none of the work with this pregnancy."

"Hey, I did my part," he argues, actually having the audacity to sound offended, "I was there, doing the most important part!"

"You might want to shut up right now," I warn, growing more irritated with him by the second, "Because even though you are three fucking thousand miles away right now, I will find some way to make your life miserable."

"Geez, Haley J, there's no need for that kind of language. This kid will be exposed to plenty of that, do you really need to start him off with it now?"

"Nathan," I begin, seething, "Perhaps you do not understand that I am nine months pregnant. I am so huge right now that I look like I swallowed two of your precious basketballs!"

"Is that it?" he asks, sighing, "Are you pissed about basketball again? Because Haley J, you know I'd rather be there with you, I just don't have a choice right now. You know that."

"It isn't about that, Nathan! I know you can't be here! I just – I'm huge, and I'm alone here, and I miss you, and I just wish the baby would come already. And then I'm scared that you won't be here when it does."

"Everything in my power, baby," he promises, repeating the mantra he's developed in terms of this. "I will do anything and everything I can to be there, you know that, right?"

"Yeah, I know," I sigh, "And I'm sorry I'm sucking the fun out of everything, out of all of this pregnancy stuff. It's just hot here this week, and Brooke and Tim have both been staying at that apartment Tim got in Durham for the last two weeks so they don't have to travel back and forth, and Lucas started correspondence classes at Duke to get his teacher's certificate. All I've been able to do is work, and the duck waddle I'm doing makes a two minute task take ten!"

"I'm sorry I can't be there with you, baby. You know that if I could, I would, and I'd take good care of you, baby."

"I know," I sigh, "And I'm sorry I'm taking this out on you, I really am, Nathan. I'm just so frustrated and bored, and I hurt."

"Baby, if you hurt, maybe you should go see the doctor," he says worriedly, "Maybe that means the baby is coming!"

I rub my eyes tiredly. "I don't think so, Nathan. I'm not having contractions or anything, I'm just sore and tired. Really tired."

"I'm sorry, I wish I could fix it for you, sweetie."

I know this, I do. It just doesn't really make it better right now when I feel so awful. Plus, it's not like saying it actually changes anything or makes me feel even slightly better right now.

"I know, Nathan. Hey, it'll be soon, right? So, I'm okay, maybe I'll call Karen or your mom and see if they can hang out with me for a little while."

"That's a good idea," he decides, probably relieved that I'll have someone else to bitch at and gripe to rather than him.

"Okay, then, I'll let you go now," I tell him, knowing he's probably got a billion better things to do than listen to me bitch, the least of which is finish setting up furniture for the nursery he's planned for the baby. Of all the times he's cheaping out now, it's when it came down to putting the furniture together himself or having someone else do it for him. Safely.

"Hey, call me later okay?" he asks, "Let me know how you're feeling, and if you feel worse, please promise me you'll go to the hospital?"

I nod wearily, even though he can't see me. "I promise," I sigh.

"Good girl," and I can hear the smile in his voice. God, I miss him so much, and I just wish he were here. I know he'll be on the first plane here once my water breaks and he'll hopefully make it for the birth, but I just wish he were here for the lead-up. I just feel better when he's around, and this would be a good time to feel better about things.

"I love you," I tell him, trying not to let my emotions get the best of me and start crying. "And I miss you."

"Same here, baby," he sighs raggedly, and I know that he's hurting over not being with me, and he probably feels a little guilty, too.

We hang up, and I let myself sink lower into the plump cushions of the couch, trying to relax. I groan when someone knocks on the door a second later, and by the grace of God, I manage to propel myself to my feet, and waddle out to answer.

"Luke!" I exclaim, throwing my arms around one of his arms because I know my fat stomach isn't conducive to hugging these days. "I'm so glad you're here," I say, bursting into tears of exhaustion, frustration, and other emotions I can't name.

"Hey, Hales, what's wrong?" he asks, looking down at me worriedly. "Are you okay? The baby, is the baby okay?"

"I don't know what's wrong with me," I wail, still clutching at his arm, "I'm tired, and hot, and this damn kid won't come out, and my back hurts!"

"Sounds like you know exactly what's wrong," he laughs, and I pinch him on the shoulder for laughing at me.

"You know, ragging on me might not be the way to go right now," I warn him, "I'm not very happy, and I'm really quite miserable."

"Okay, okay," he sighs, "I'm sorry. I didn't mean to upset you or something."

"I know," I respond, shaking my head, "Look, can you just go ahead and give me a ride to the café? I need hang out with your mom and Deb for awhile. If I don't get some company soon, I'm going to go insane."

"Geez, thanks, Hales, good to see that I don't rank as company anymore."

"Oh, get over it," I snap. Feeling bad at his stricken expression, I soften. "I'm sorry, Luke, it's just that I want to be around people who actually understand how I'm feeling and get what I'm going through. You just can't be that person in this situation," I reason.

He chuckles a little, and I think both of us feel a little more normal, like _us_ for a minute. I feel bad for all the stress I've caused everyone around me this last month, and I know saying my hormones are out of whack is a cop-out, but I have no other explanation for it.

"You're going to go back to normal soon, right?" he only half-jokes as he puts an arm around my shoulder.

"Why? Do you not like being tortured?" I ask, teasing.

He looks at me disgustedly. "Not especially, Hales, not even by a cute pregnant girl like yourself," he winks.

"Yeah, flattery will get you everywhere," I smile, "Now take me to the diner, please, buddy." I appeal to him with puppy dog eyes, which I know Luke can never resist.

"You sure you want to leave the house?" he questions, looking at me doubtfully, "And I don't mean this disrespectfully, I swear, but you might be more comfortable here."

I roll my eyes at him, "That is a distinct possibility, but Luke, I was about to die of boredom. You don't want me to die, do you?"

He snorts. "Yeah, sounds like a really dire situation you got there, Hales. Totally life or death."

"Leave me alone," I grumble, shoving him out the front door. I grab my keys and purse and follow him out, locking the door behind us. "Come on, let's just go. Maybe your mom will make us some mac and cheese."

"Aw, I bet she would," he smiles, "That sounds great right about now, I'm starving. This whole garage work thing takes up a lot of my energy."

"Okay, first of all, I meant 'we' as in the baby and I, and second, you worked in the garage in high school, you should already know how much energy it takes. Why you're marveling about that now is beyond me."

"Oh, you wound me," he laughs sarcastically, "In regards to both aspects of your previous statement. Geez, when exactly did you get so harsh towards me? Me, Lucas, your buddy, your pal, your best friend."

I roll my eyes at him, but can't help laughing. "Since always? I don't know, can we chalk it up to the hormones?"

He shakes his head. "No, because you've been like this way before pregnancy hormones kicked in," he reasons.

"Oh, you're cruising for a bruising," I threaten as he helps me into the car.

"'Cruising for a bruising'?" he repeats, crinkling his nose in disgust at my 'tough talk', "What are you, twelve?"

"Maybe," I reply, sticking my tongue out at him. He shakes his head and jogs around the car and climbs into the driver's seat. "I miss Nathan," I sigh as he turns the key in the ignition.

He glances over at me, his expression unreadable. "You're going to move to Seattle, aren't you?" he asks, glancing away from me as he pulls out of the driveway.

I'm surprised he's figured it out, but at the same time, it is so typical that he would. Hell, I'm sure Brooke and Tim have, too. "How'd you know?" I ask quietly.

"You love him. He loves you, and now you're having a baby that you both are going to love to pieces. It just seems like the thing you'd do, you know?"

"When did you realize it?" I ask, skirting the issue of actually telling him with my own words I'll be leaving in a month or so.

He shrugs. "I don't know, awhile ago. Month or so, even. I just figured this is what would happen, and then Brooke, Tim and I talked about it."

This is news to me. That they're even talking, I mean. "You're talking to Tim and Brooke? I mean, at all?" I ask, confused.

"It's no big deal," he sighs, "And besides, we're all adults, right?"

"How come no one tells me anything anymore?" I ask, still confused that they've managed to be at least friendly now.

"I guess it didn't seem like it warranted telling," he suggests, glancing out the window, "I don't know, Hales, out of all the things you have to worry about, I think none of us wanted to stress you out more by adding our shit to it."

"This – this isn't shit, though, Luke! If you and Brooke can be friendly, and eventually maybe more than just going through the friendly motions, then that's a good thing, not a shit thing. I don't see where that's so hard to get."

"Well, I guess you're right. But it's nothing huge, really, don't get too excited about it," he warns, "I mean, it's me and Brooke, right? Things could go from okay to hell on earth in three seconds flat."

I can't help the chuckle that escapes – he's right on this one. If ever there were two people more capable of wrecking their own good thing, it is Luke and Brooke. Of course, maybe it was just an illusion and it was never all that good to begin with, but that's not my judgment call to make. All I can do is be happy that they can even try to work out a cordiality if nothing else.

"You two are great," I tell him, rolling my head to the side to smile at him, "I adore and love you both, and I would have hated it if things ended up where you wouldn't come around at the same time or something. Some weird custody arrangement."

"I'm really going to miss you," he sighs, "I can't believe you are going to be leaving here. I don't mean this in a bad way, Hales, but I always thought you'd be the one who stuck around Tree Hill, you know?"

"Gee, thanks," I mutter sarcastically, a little unsure of just what the hell that means. I throw in a glare for good measure.

He laughs, patting me on the knee. "Chill, Hales, I don't mean it in a bad way. I guess it's more a selfish thing, anyways – I can't picture being here without you," he shrugs, his gaze firmly fixed on the road in front of us.

"Aw, Lukie, you're gonna miss me," I joke in a sing-song voice.

"Not just you," he points out, "But Nathan and that baby, too. Seattle is a long ways away. You sure you want to go there?"

"Luke," I sigh, "I can't live without Nathan. That's what I've learned the last five years, that I don't want a life that he isn't a part of. And let's face it, he has more to lose by altering his life than I do, so it's time for me to make the effort. And that effort means I have to move to Seattle. To be with him, to show him I want this as much as he does."

He sighs, too, shaking his head. "I know all that, Hales, and I even respect it. But I also think it sucks that you're leaving, and that you and my brother will be raising my niece or nephew three thousand miles away from home. That's crap, Hales."

I shrug. "It's not crap, its life. And sure, it's not ideal, and it's not perfect, and maybe it kind of sucks, but it's still just life."

He sighs again, but this time I can sense the resignation behind it. "You're right, it isn't crap. And I'm sorry I said it was." I glance at him, a little surprised by the 180. "What? Don't look at me like that. I'm a fairly reasonable and rational adult when I need to be."

I snort my laughter. "Please, reasonable and rational like getting married on a whim in Vegas? And then not telling your family about it? Right," I drawl out.

"I didn't say I was all the time," he shrugs defensively, "I said when I need to be. Anyways, it isn't fair of me to castigate you for doing what you have to."

"You're right, it isn't," I laugh, "But I don't really think that's what you're doing. Look, Luke, I know that now isn't the best time for me to leave, and I know that there are people here who need me, too. And I wish I could be everything to everyone, but I can't. But at the same time, that doesn't mean I love you guys any less."

He nods, staring straight ahead. "Yeah, I know. And you know, it's unfair that a part of me still wishes it were otherwise."

"Well, life ain't fair, dork," I smile.

"No, it isn't," he agrees, "I know that. I'm just really going to miss you, Hales. You know that even more than Nathan, and sometimes more than Mom and Keith, you're the one for me, you're the one that keeps me sane, keeps me grounded. Maybe I rely on you too much."

"Is that possible?" I wonder aloud, "Isn't that exactly what friends do?"

"Yeah, but sometimes I feel like I need or ask for too much from you, and that's not right. I shouldn't do that."

I roll my eyes in his direction. "Luke, if you mean the Brooke crap, it's fine, it wasn't as tough as I thought it was going to be."

He shakes his head, smiling wryly. "Clearly, this is a lot harder on me than it is on you, but I think a part of me has always felt a little proprietary towards you. Like, even though there were other people in your life of equal or more importance, I still had some seniority thing that I could invoke, and get you to be my friend, my support."

"That doesn't have to go away, Luke."

"Hales, you'll be across the country raising a baby and this kid you're about to birth." I smack him on the arm for his crack at Nathan's expense. "I know, I know," he laughs, "They're better to make when he's around to actually appreciate them."

"You're a brat," I bitch, shoving him a little. I still when I feel a little twinge – a different twinge than the many I've had the last few months, but it is gone so quickly that I just ignore it. As if I'm lucky enough to have this kid today or tomorrow, or maybe even next week.

"Yeah, well, you should have accepted that a long time ago," he points out.

"I thought I did," I laugh, "But every once in awhile, you get so bratty that it all comes rushing back that maybe, just maybe, you aren't normal."

"No one ever said I was normal," he grins, "So, I don't know where you got that impression. Besides, you of all people know my torrid past, so you should know better than anyone just how abnormal things get around here."

I laugh as we pull up in front of the café. Luke double parks, explaining that he is going to go visit Keith and Eric as he helps me through the doors and into a chair. He waves, laughing over his shoulder at me as both Karen and Deb rush over to fawn over me.

They fawn over me, and it isn't as fun as I assumed it would be. I think the only thing that will make me happy is giving birth now. It's pathetic how focused on this I am. Well, I suppose it really isn't, considering I'm as big as a whale pregnant, but still.

Deb heads to the kitchen to get some tea for all of us, and Karen sits down at the table with me. "How are you holding up, honey?"

I shake my head at her. "I'm miserable, but I'm sure it will all be worth it in a couple days, right?"

"That's generally the case," she smiles.

"I'm just ready to not be fat, and to not waddle, and you know, to hold the baby. I can't wait to hold it."

Her smile widens. "Have you two settled on names yet?"

I shrug. "Nathan is so convinced it will be a boy that he won't even entertain girl names, so we're empty on that one. Of course, I think that means if it is a girl, I automatically get to choose. But for a boy, we're still in discussions. He likes Robert or Anthony," I tell her, crinkling my nose.

"And clearly you don't," she chuckles.

"I don't know, they're just so common. There should be something to be said for originality, right?"

"Maybe," she concedes, "But maybe there is something to be said for traditionalism." I shrug. "Well, you'll figure it out, and hey, maybe it'll be a girl, and it won't matter anyway. You can name her Rain or Sunshine or something equally different," she teases.

"Oh, God," I groan, smothering a laugh, "Nathan would flip out, Kare. Could you imagine him having a daughter named something like Fichus or something." She gives me a funny look. "What, if you want to call her Rain or Sunshine, I think I can name her after a plant."

"A fruit maybe, but I don't know if a plant would be acceptable. Besides, I think Fichus is better for a little boy."

"You're awful," I laugh. "Besides, you shouldn't be encouraging me – you named both of your sons rather common names!"

"Well, in my defense, Lucas wasn't that common back then." I give her a 'yeah, right' look, and she laughs. "Okay, fine, so I went with safe names, but that doesn't mean I think you should. Go with what you and Nathan likes, and maybe wait until the baby is born, and see what you think suits him or her."

"At this rate, the kid will never be born, and all this name talk will be a moot point!" I joke. "So maybe we should forget about it for now."

"Aw, honey, the baby will come in his or her own good time."

"Karen," I say worriedly, "It has been in here a really, really long time. I mean, what if – what if it doesn't come out? What if something is wrong?"

"Now, Haley, you know that nothing is wrong with the baby or how long you've been carrying it."

I shake my head wearily. "I guess; that's what the doctor keeps saying anyways. But what if they're wrong? I mean, hello, I'm huge. It isn't natural to be this huge."

Karen snorts at me, her eyebrows raised in disbelief. "Do you not remember that I had trouble fitting through doorways when I was pregnant with Eric? Come on, Haley, you aren't really all that big. I promise."

I nod, tired as hell again all of a sudden. "I just want this to be over. I want to have this baby, and I want to be with Nathan," I blurt out, unthinking.

"Be with Nathan?" Karen asks, her eyes blinking in surprise, "Are you leaving Tree Hill and moving to Seattle?"

"Yeah, are you?" Deb echoes from behind us.

Oh, I knew I'd have to tell them at some point, but it wasn't supposed to be now, and it wasn't supposed to just be me. It was supposed to be Nathan and I, doing this together, telling them together in a thoughtful, planned out way. Not me, blurting it out, in the middle of the café, that's for sure.

"Oh, you guys, I'm sorry, I wasn't supposed to say it like this. Nathan and I, well, we wanted to tell everyone together, both of us, in a better way. Not me being an idiot and forgetting myself."

Deb moves over and sits down, a look of slight shock and maybe hurt etched across her face. "You – you're really going to take the baby and leave? When? How soon?"

I shake my head, shrugging. "A month or two after the baby is born probably. We'd originally figured three, but it seems best to just do it. I, um, I really don't want to be away from Nathan, and I won't want him to be away from the baby, either."

I wince as her hands rush up to cradle her. "Well, so now it isn't enough that Nathan is three thousand miles away, but now you're taking my grandchild and moving him or her across the country, too. That's fantastic," she bites out snidely when she raises her head. This is a side of Deb I haven't seen since she first found out that Nathan and I had married in high school.

"Deb, it – it isn't like that," I manage to stutter out, "It isn't like we don't wish things were different, and that everyone we love could see us and the baby every day. You know I wish things were different."

"Well, they aren't," she sighs, leaving her head down, not looking at me. Karen glances at me, shrugging slightly as if to motion that she doesn't know where this is coming from, but it will be alright. "Dammit, things just got to a point where they made sense again, and now you're taking my grandchild away."

And with those lovely words that every nine month pregnant girl wants to hear, she storms out. I shake my head, shrugging at Karen. I don't even know what to say about that.

"She'll get over it. She's just, I don't know," she pauses, searching for the right word, "Sad to know that her family is dwindling. She won't have anyone to coddle."

"She has Dan," I reason.

Karen gives me a look. "I don't know about that, she's been mentioning the d-word as well as their problems lately. Said she's thinking things have finally caught up with them. I almost wonder if she isn't trying to prepare me. Keith says Dan has been doing the same thing to him and Lucas."

"What?" I gasp, my mouth dropping open to gape at her, "You think they're going to get divorced?"

She blushes, "I shouldn't be gossiping, and this is really not my place to tell. But I don't know, Haley, it's just what she's been saying."

I lean back in my chair. "You know, I wasn't surprised about Luke and Brooke – in a way, I knew it would happen. But Deb and Dan, they've been through so much, and made such an effort to get things back that I just would never have even guessed they were having problems."

"Looks can be deceiving, honey."

I nod, agreeing. "Yeah, they can. Well, maybe they're just being over-reactive right now, and they'll work things out," I suggest.

She manages a small smile. "Yeah, maybe," she agrees softly, "We'll see. But anyways, I just mentioned it mainly so that you would know Deb didn't really mean anything by it."

I nod. "Yeah, I knew that. It sucks she said it, but hey, that's life." I make my way to my feet. "Can I use your phone? I need to get Brooke and Tim here so that I can tell them about me moving before someone else does. I think they'd be really upset if they didn't hear it from me."

She nods. "Of course."

She stands, too, and I reach over to give her a hug. "You know I'm not moving to be selfish, right? That it's just because Nathan is the baby's father, and they need each other. And that I need Nathan, too, and he needs me."

"Oh, honey, of course I do. That doesn't mean I'm not sad, and that I won't miss you, but of course I do."

"Thanks, Kare."

When I get outside, I stupidly realize that Luke drove me, hence, I'm carless. Shrugging to myself, I sit down on a bench and pull out my phone, calling Brooke. Who knew this unseasonably warm weather that has been making me miserable would now come in handy?

"Hey Tutor Girl," she answers, and I smile, hearing the smile in her voice.

"Hey yourself, Tigger, where are you?"

"Five minutes from Tree Hill, where the hell are you?"

I laugh delightedly. "I'm sitting on a bench about a block away from Karen's in front of the ice cream shop waiting for you to come pick me up."

"It's your lucky day, I was lookin' for a hooker," she jokes.

"Perv," I giggle, "Hurry up, I'm bored."

"Yeah, yeah, Queen Haley, I'm on my way. Hey, what are you doing sitting on a bench on the side of the road anyways?"

I sigh, probably blushing, too. "Oh, Luke dropped me off at the café, and I left, not thinking that I had no ride. So instead of going back there like an idiot, I'm calling you like an idiot. Cuz you're so sweet and beautiful."

She snorts. "Please, do keep flattering me. You might mean it as sarcasm, but I? Love it. Even if it's a joke. So keep on."

"You're weird," I assure her with a laugh, lumbering to my feet as her car flies around the corner, screeching to a halt in front of me. "Hey, I gotta go," I say into the phone, "My afternoon hooking job is here."

She flips me off as I get in the car. "Is that all I am to you? A job? Your earlier flattery has been forgotten and you'll need to start over to regain my good favor."

"You're a tough nut to crack," I laugh.

She shrugs. "Maybe. And please never compare me to a nut – or any other food for that matter – again."

"Deal."

We drive the rest of the way home in silence, each lost in our own thoughts. Once we get in the house, though, and are settled in on the couch, all bets are off.

"This like my first time home in forever, and by the grace of God – or Buddha or whomever, Tim will be in town, too. It's one of his brother's birthday, or something, so he's going to stay the night at the house."

"Wow, that's perfect. I was just about to ask where he was, and suggest we go find him. I need to talk to you two."

"Sounds ominous," she comments idly, not really paying attention.

I shrug. "Just a little announcement."

"Aw, shit, don't tell me your latest ultrasound has shown that kid will be inflicted with the Scott family devil horns," she deadpans.

"Well, that was only part of it," I laugh.

"Well, what's the rest?" she prods, only semi-joking about me telling her now, "You know I have the patience of – well, of something that has very little in the way of patience."

"No, really?" I roll my eyes at her. "I'd never noticed that about you, Brooke. Go on, tell me another."

"So, what's with all this?" she asks again, gesturing towards me with a swooping wave of her hand, "Seriously, I mean, Haley, I know you, I know something big is up."

"Brooke, please," I plead, startling both of us with use of her given name, "Please just let this go for now, until Tim gets here, okay? I need to tell you both at the same time."

I'm beginning to get nervous now, and judging by the suspicious look that she's giving me, she's noticed it as well. She turns away, though, instead of pressing me, and I watch sadly as her shoulders slump in defeat. She knows. She knows what I'm going to announce once Tim arrives. I guess over the last five years, we really have forged that bond, that strong, unwavering bond that gives you that uncanny, seemingly inherent ability to know what the person you are so attuned to is thinking.

I want to admit everything to her. I want to lay it all out on the table, let her get mad and cry or whatever it is that she'll do in this particular situation, but I can't. It isn't fair to Tim to play it that way. But still, I want to admit all of this to her. I want her to know that I know she's figured it out. I just have to tell them together, admittedly not for entirely unselfish reasons.

She turns around now, looking slightly more composed. "Well, who knows when he'll show up," she says with a cheeriness that is belied by her eyes.

"I'm sorry I have to wait, Tigger," I say softly.

She nods. "Yeah, I know, it's just – not easy, Tutor Girl. It is really not easy."

"Tell me something I don't know," I sigh, "Because that is just about the only thought I can keep in my head – how hard it all is."

She's about to reply when Tim comes barreling through the door, yelling our names loud enough that I'm pretty sure we could've heard him from Durham.

"Hey, how's my girls?" he grins as he practically skids into the room. "Uh, what's going on?" he asks when he sees the depressed looks on our faces.

"Haley has an announcement to make," Brooke says tonelessly. Tim's face drops, and his look mirrors Brooke's. Why do I get the feeling they've been expecting this, waiting for it?

He sits next to Brooke on the couch, and I struggle to my feet and stand in front of them. "Look, if you guys have both figured it out, maybe I just don't need to say it," I mutter tiredly.

"No, say it," Tim demands. Brooke nods her agreement with his request. "I want to hear you say it, Haley."

Rip the bandaid off quickly, right? "I'm moving to Seattle to live with Nathan in a month or so after the baby is born."

"So soon?" Tim asks, his voice hollow and emotionless.

"I guess it is soon in some ways, but in others, I think it is a long time coming."

"Right," he says slowly, not looking at me still. Brooke sits there unmoving, staring at her hands.

"Right?" I echo dully, "That's all there is to say? Right? Wow, I wasn't expecting Scarlet O'Hara dramatics or anything, but I figured I could inspire a little more than 'right'."

"What do you want us to say, Haley?" Tim asks. "Nothing we say now is going to – to – I don't know, really make sense of anything. You're our best friend; you're also leaving. Leaving us behind. Which is funny, since that's what bonded us in the first place."

His words strike true immediately – it is what bound us together in the first place. And I'm doing to them what was so hard for me to deal with when my friends did it to me. When they put it that way, I feel even worse now than I did before, which is really saying something.

I waddle over and sit down on the couch with them. "I'm sorry," I tell them quietly, "I'm so sorry that I'm leaving you, and I'm so sorry that I'm making you feel that way again."

"We know that," Brooke speaks up, finally contributing to the conversation, "But you know that it doesn't make it any easier. You're – you're leaving, Tutor Girl. And you're taking the baby, and you're leaving. For Seattle! That's so far away!"

I nod, at a loss for words. I don't even realize I've started crying until I feel Tim brushing tears off my cheek. I mouth a 'thank you' to him, smiling sadly.

"We're just going to miss you, Haley," Tim sighs, shaking his head, "And you know, it's not like you're just a half hour away. Hell, Brooke and I are in the same city now most of the time, and we hardly see each other, let alone you, who is only a half hour away from us. Let's face it, we'll never see you now."

"Of course you will!" I exclaim, "God, I haven't spent the last five years being best friends with the two of you to throw it all away just because we're growing up and getting lives and doing whatever it is grown ups do! Maybe you all have, but I haven't! This relationship means something to me, and I'm not about to throw it away! I don't care how many kids I have, and how many states I move away to, you two are part of my world!"

Tim sighs, but puts his arm around my shoulder, pulling me to him. "We know, James, but it doesn't change that things are, well, changing."

"And not all change is for the better," Brooke pipes up, looking around Tim towards me. "Not all change makes it possible for bonds to stay strong."

I push away from Tim, away from the back of the couch so I can stare her down. "So what are you saying? That this friendship is not worth preserving to you? Because that's a lie, and all three of us know it."

She shrugs. "I don't know anything anymore, maybe. I don't know why you think things can remain rosy and peachy when you move across the country. I don't know why you think they'll stay the same. And honestly, I don't even know why you think it is a good idea for you to even move period."

"Come on, Brooke," Tim sighs, and I know he sees where this is going – Brooke on one side, and me on the other, screaming and saying things we don't really mean, but wouldn't really take back, either.

She shakes off the warning, restraining hand he put on her leg. "No, Tim, I won't 'come on'. It's bullshit you even suggest I do," she says hotly, clearly warming up to giving me, him, whoever is in her way a verbal lashing, "It's bullshit that she thinks moving across the country, away from her friends and her family, people who actually love her, to live with Nathan!"

I jump to my feet a lot faster than any of us figured I could. "Screw you, Brooke!" I yell, pissed that she's undermining my relationship with Nathan like this when she knows how much it means to me, how hard it was for me when I didn't have him, and how much I need him now. "This is Nathan's baby that has me about to fall forward on my face! His baby! His baby that he is going to want to see on a regular basis. His baby that is going to want to see him on that same regular basis! And dammit, I don't care how selfish it is, I want to see both of them on a regular basis, too."

"Yeah, at the expense of the people who have stood by you when he left. That's great, a totally fair trade." She jumps up, folding her arms across her chest. "Just leave, see if we care."

"Knock it off," Tim mutters tiredly before I can say anything. And boy, do I have some things to say. "You two are acting ridiculous, and I know you've both said things you regret, and I also know you are both about to say things you'll regret even more. If you're going to do that, even though I'm asking you to stop, I'll leave. I'm not watching you wreck everything we've built here in the last five years. FIVE years. Think about it," he pleads.

We're both silent for a few minutes until I speak up, breaking it. "It isn't supposed to be at anyone's expense, Tigger. That's not what this is about."

"Then what exactly is it about, Haley, because I'm not getting it from anything you're saying here."

"It's about creating a family with Nathan. It's about raising our baby together, and it's about sharing our lives. That doesn't mean that everything else in either of our lives become excluded."

"You can't say for sure that it won't," she argues, starting to look more sad than angry, so I know she's starting to come around.

"Yes, I can," I counter, "Tigger, you are my friends. Besides that, you're my family. You have been for so long now, and I wouldn't know who I was without the two of you in my life. I'm not about to let that go. I hope you know that."

My heart breaks as she reaches up to brush off a tear. "Everything is changing," she whispers, "You're leaving – not just you, but the baby, too. Tim is getting all big and powerful at his company, and I'm still just me, just going to college. You're both moving on, moving away."

"Is that what this is about?" Tim asks, glancing at me in surprise, "You think both of us are leaving you? Come on, Davis, you know we'll always be here for you. Even if 'here' is Seattle or Durham or wherever."

"Tigger, look at everything we've shared," I chime in, "Look at everything we have been through. The odds were, in the beginning at least, probably that we wouldn't last as friends. We were too different, had too much awkward history, all that. And here we are. Even better friends than I could've hoped for."

"Me, too," Tim agrees, "I don't know what I expected when I first latched onto you two, but it probably wasn't this. No, it definitely wasn't this." Brooke and I both laugh at that. "But you know, this is so much better than anything I could've even figured I'd want, you know?"

"I agree," I smile, "Tigger, when you came up to me that first day at THCC, and we found out we had, God, was it English, together, I was a little nervous. You hated half of my friends, and I kind of thought that was extended to me, too. But you persisted, practically stalking me around campus, and then we hooked up with Tim, and I guess the rest is history."

She sits back down on the couch, but at least there is a small smile on her face now. "I don't know who I am without you guys, though. I don't know how to have fun, or how to even live, I guess."

"That's not true," Tim laughs, "You're the one always telling us how to live, how to have fun, who we are. You know who you are, and you sure as shit can live on your own."

"You're tough, Tigger, you're strong," I tell her passionately. I want her to believe this as much as I do. "You're one of the strongest people I know, and if I do say so myself, I'm lucky enough to know some pretty damn strong women."

"Like Karen?" she asks in her small voice.

"Yeah, like Karen. I see Karen in you Brooke, and I know you'll be okay. I know that no matter what, you will find the strength to get through whatever the day throws at you. And you're smart, too, and compassionate, and so caring! People don't know that, you don't let them see that, but you've let us see that, and you are one of the most generous people I know!"

"She's right, Brooke," Tim grins, "And you're pretty damn hot, too."

"Perv," she laughs, smacking him on the leg. "But I really am." She winks at me.

I wink back. "You've done everything you've ever said you would, and I just have no doubts that you'll do whatever it is you set out to do in the future."

"Like Vet School?"

"Exactly like that!" Tim exclaims, "Hell, even I thought you were crazy for doing that, and I guess I even underestimated you a little, because I wasn't sure if you'd make it. I figured you'd go for the pretty job, and James would go for the one involving animal shit."

We both smack him this time. "Uh, thanks, I think," Brooke laughs, rolling her eyes. "I'm sorry I was such a down bitch about this, but it's hard. I can't believe I'm not going to see you whenever I want. God, I can't believe I'm going to miss watching this one grow up," she sighs as she pats my stomach. "I'm really going to miss that part of it."

"Me, too," I sigh, "I wish more than anything you both would see him or her daily, but I guess even if we were here, that would be unrealistic."

"Me, three," Tim smiles, "I know you're going to be a great baby mama, and Nathan will be a good dad, but what kid doesn't need an Uncle Tim?"

"One that wants to grow up normal," Brooke teases, and I crack up as Tim rolls his eyes good-naturedly.

"Okay, so I might not miss the ganging up quite so much as everything else," Tim says.

"Oh, don't worry, we'll three-way, and Brooke and I will do plenty of ganging up on you, still. You know we would miss that for anything," I smile.

"Mmm, three-way," he pretends to drool in his Homer Simpson voice, receiving another smack on the leg from Brooke and a pinch on the arm from me.

"Told you he was a perv," Brooke comments lightly.

"Tell me something I don't know next time," I laugh.

"Ha. Ha ha ha, I didn't get the memo that it was Pick On Tim night again. Wasn't that just last week?" he mutters, scowling at us.

"Oh, but Tim, every night is Pick On Tim night," Brooke grins, "And you know you love it. I don't know why you pretend otherwise."

"Yeah, yeah, you two are mean."

"Such a pouter," I comment to Brooke, dropping my heavy weight down on the couch. I lay down, putting my head on her lap, letting her play my hair. There is so much comfort to be here with these two, doing the things we've always done, just being normal. It's very jarring to realize that in a month or so, I won't have instant access to them anymore. I won't be able to lay on a couch with them, teasing Tim. And that's hard.

"A week overdue," Dan sighs, shaking his head at me, "You have one determined kid in there, Haley."

"Clearly a Scott, and probably, like Nathan has been saying, a male Scott, at that. Who else would be so stubborn as to go against the wishes of like everyone in the whole world?"

He chuckles. "Well, I can't argue with you on that one. Nathan wants a boy, does he?"

I shrug. "I don't know if he necessarily wants a boy, but more that's what he's guessing this monster is," I explain, touching my enormous belly reverently.

"Did he tell you that Deb and I called him? That we're going to go ahead with a trial separation, see how things go, and take it from there?"

I nod, not needing him to elaborate on who 'him' is. "Yeah, he did. He just wants the best for both of you."

Dan smiles slightly. "Well, I wish I could say I always had that in mind for him, but I'm not that big of a liar anymore."

"Things change, people change, right?"

"Yeah, absolutely. I think sometimes we have to, or else you just lose everything. Maybe it goes against the grain to think this, but change is good. Personal change is best."

"Take it from someone who knows?" I ask, joking.

"Yeah, definitely," he says in all seriousness, "I do know. If I hadn't realized what I was doing to everyone I loved, I would've lost it all."

"You didn't, so that's really something. If you don't mind my saying, you were really close to losing it all."

I wonder if I have overstepped my bounds as a dark shadow crosses over his face, but it passes as quickly as it arrived. "Yeah, I was really close. Closer than I like to think about even now," he acknowledges, "It's scary to think what I would've lost: Lucas, Nathan. That's more than a lot of people ever have, and I almost threw it all away. Hell, for all intents and purposes, I did throw it all away. I just got lucky, and my sons are better men than I ever was, ever could be."

"Well, they wouldn't be who they are without you," I point out, "So maybe more good came out of things than you think."

He smirks somewhat self-deprecatingly. "Yeah, maybe, but not really in the good. I think that all the great things they've been done were to prove they were better than me, or to do what they thought was sticking it to me."

"It turned out okay in the end, though. I guess that is my main point. You figured things out with both of them when not very many people thought you could."

"Yeah, that's true. And hey, I have the knowledge that both of them are better than I ever was. And I know Nathan will be such a wonderful father to your child. After all, I taught him everything not to do."

"You've taught him some right things, too," I point out, "Look at how you've repaired things with Lucas. I know that was a tough time for Nathan, but at the same time, it really showed him a lot about what relationships can be, what they are."

He leans over and gives me a hug. "Thank you, Haley. I don't know if I've ever said this before, but welcome to the family. I think we are very lucky to have you."

"I'm lucky to have you all," I return, waving as he wanders off, not before winking at me, though. "Who knew I'd be here?" I wonder aloud.

"Haley, come on, you're missing your own party!" Brooke exclaims from the doorway, "And if you were talking to yourself, like I think you were, then I think we should've dedicated this party to something else."

"Like what? As if having a "Hey, your baby is never coming, isn't that exciting?" party isn't out there enough for you?"

"Oh, come on, you love it! This is fun, and if that kid is going to set up permanent residence in there, well, then I say we have a little fun with it at least!" she laughs.

"Fun for who?" I whine, tired of being pregnant.

"Everyone, mostly you. And if you keep pretending otherwise, I will tell everyone to take back their presents."

"Presents?" I perk up, that being the magic word, apparently, "Presents for me and the baby?"

"No, just for you," she smiles, "But like I said, they can be taken back! So shape up, or ship out." She crinkles her nose at her words. "God, did I just say that? I don't know where I picked it up."

"Colloquialisms do not become you, Tigger," I smile.

"Yeah, I know. Seriously, it just slipped out. Not even sure what it means." I roll my eyes at her. "Really, I don't know, freak thing. Anyways, come on, let's get you back to the party!"

She starts to tug on my arm, but I place my hand over hers, stopping her. She turns to look at me, and I smile at her. "Thank you, for all of this. Thank you for _everything._"

"You're welcome," she smiles, blushing a little.

"No, I mean it. I know that my little announcement was hard to swallow, and I just – thank you for moving past it. I love you, Tigger."

"I love you, too, Tutor Girl," she says tearily, moving to hug me. "I can't believe you'll be leaving."

"Me either," I agree, "Isn't it funny that a few years ago, I was afraid of being stuck here. And now? Now here I am lamenting that I'm leaving."

"I guess this place kind of grows on you," she agrees.

"You going to stay here?"

"If Tim does, probably."

"Yeah? You'd base a decision like that on Tim? I mean, you know I love Tim dearly, but I don't know if I'd base any kind of life decision around him." We both dissolve into giggles.

"Yeah, well, I need some form of familiarity, and Tim is the best around. He's my rock, in some ways."

"We're both lucky to have him," I smile, "And I know you'll take good care of each other. That's why I know its okay for me to leave. You have each other to rely on."

"It'd be better if you were still here, too, though," she argues, "But it is better than nothing. A lot better."

I link arms with her. "Come on, let's get back before they send Tim or Luke out here for us. Or both."

"Did you know they're planning on having a beer drinking contest?" she tells me, rolling her eyes, "How lame and juvenile is that?"

"You want in, don't you?" I laugh, "And I believe the friendship really got underway post-marriage, pre-divorce Brooke and Luke. You know, just for reference."

"Thanks for pointing that out to me, Obi Wan Haley," she glowers, "And let the record show, I could kick both their asses blindfolded with one arm tied behind my back! But they think I'm some wilting flower who can't do stuff like that!"

"I think they know better than that," I assure her, "In fact, they're both big babies, and probably know that you would win, and they're keeping you out of the game on purpose."

Her mouth falls open in surprise. "You know, for two morons, they can both be really calculating. Excuse me, I have a contest to crash," she says, dropping my arm to run off.

I wander back into the room, sitting down beside Keith and Eric on the couch. Eric immediately crawls over Keith to my side.

"Hey kid, how are you?" I ask, leaning over to give him a hug.

"Hi Hales," he says brightly, "Are you _ever_ going to have that baby? It has been in there a long, long, looong time!"

Everyone in the room laughs, except for me. I groan, and poke him gently in the sky. "Did they tell you to say that?" I ask, pulling him tight against my side.

"No," he says slowly, seriously, "It's true. It must be a real big baby!"

"Thanks for that encouraging thought, Eric," I laugh, all the while picturing a baby the size of an elephant. Or me the size of an elephant with the elephant baby still inside me.

"You're welcome," he smiles sweetly. Keith grins at me over his head, shrugging.

"How are you holding up?" Keith asks.

I smile. "Oh, I could be a lot worse. I am ready for this part to be over, though. The next part seems so wonderful, and it won't involve me having quite this big of a belly."

Karen laughs. "That's about the only good part of it," she jokes, winking at Keith. Lucas comes in that moment, Brooke and Tim behind him, and frowns.

"Don't let her talk to you like that, Eric!"

Karen laughs harder, "I meant you, Lucas, not Eric."

"Oh, oka – hey! Geez, Mom, a little love would be nice here!"

"You get plenty of love," Karen smiles, patting him on the shoulder. "So you can just quit with the poor me whining now."

"Tough crowd," Luke mutters.

The little party goes on like this for awhile, everyone bantering and joking around with each other as we eat cake and drink punch. I'm starting to get tired, but when I mention that I might go home, everyone freaks out and demands I stay and open presents. I don't think much of it, though, because hey, who doesn't love presents. But it is weird.

"Okay, and there is one last one," Karen grins, almost looking a little teary eyed. "But you have to go into the kitchen to get it."

"The kitchen?" I echo, perplexed, "Y'all are acting so weird and you are totally beginning to freak me out."

"Just go," Luke orders, smiling lazily from his spot between Brooke and Tim. It's nice to see the three of them figuring out a way to be friends.

Glancing around the room, I see that everyone has the same smile plastered to their face, except Eric, who looks as confused as I feel.

"Mommy?" he asks, tugging on Karen's sleeve as Keith helps me up out of my chair, "What's in the kitchen?"

"Haley's last present," she explains.

"But we gave her the presents already," he argues.

"Shush, just let her go get the present." She pulls him onto her lap, and I glance around one more time before shrugging and heading for the kitchen.

I waddle towards the kitchen, taking a deep breath before pushing the door open. I am seriously happy that I'm not carrying anything, because I absolutely would've dropped it.

"It's Nathan," I gasp, spinning around to point accusingly at them all, "You got me Nathan!"

Everyone laughs, and when his arms encircle me from behind, I turn back to him, throwing my arms around him as best I can. "Hey there, Haley J," he whispers into my ear, kissing my neck. "I missed you two."

"We missed you, too," I reply, tears filling my eyes, "I can't believe you're really here!"

"We had a couple of days off. You know that. Anyways, when I cleared missing practice, I called them up, and asked them to help me surprise you. Uncle Keith suggested a party, and here we are."

"It's perfect," I laugh, "You're all perfect! God, Nathan, I can't believe you're here! I just – how?"

"I told you that," he smiles, leaning down to kiss me sweetly, "So, this is a nice surprise then?"

"Nice? It is so far beyond nice that I don't even know where to begin, Nate! This is like a dream come true!"

I can't stop smiling, cheesy as that is. I glance behind me, and see everyone else smiling too as Karen tries to herd them out of the room.

"Alone at last," Nathan grins once they're gone, "God, Haley, I've missed you. You have no idea how good it feels to have you in my arms again."

"Oh, I think I do," I correct him, letting him turn me in his arms so my back is to him. I have to admit, it really is the only safe way for him to put his arms around me. "I am still half convinced this is just a really great, really realistic dream," I murmur.

"No dream, I am really here. So, you think we can talk this kid into making an appearance today or tomorrow?" he asks in a joking tone, but I know he isn't really joking. I can't decide if I should be glad he wants to be here for it, or if I should turn around and brain him for reminding me he or she is obviously never coming.

"Nathan, I don't think it will ever leave this huge house it has made for itself," I sigh, choosing to ignore his comments. "I'm going to be pregnant forever."

He laughs, "You are not, Haley. Come on, sit down." He pulls me over to the couch, making me not only sit, but put my feet up and lean back. "There you go. Now, I'm going to talk to the kid, give it the what for, and let him know who is in charge here."

I groan as he positions his face close to my stomach. Of course, being in the same room puts a person's face near my stomach, it's so huge. But he's right there. "Nathan, I don't know about this."

"Haley, you talk to him all the time. You hold the phone to your belly so I can talk to him. Why can't I talk to him now?" he asks, sounding completely practical and making me feel like a complete ass.

"I'm sorry, it'd be wonderful if you talked to it. I'm just really stressed about everything, Nathan," I try and explain.

"Why?" he asks, looking at me with concern, "Luke and I stopped by Brooke's before we came over here, and it looked like you have everything. Do you need more diapers or something?"

I smile at him. He looks so sweetly earnest about everything that I can't help but respond positively to him. "No, I have everything. It's just – scary, in some ways. I'm scared you won't be here for the birth, and I know I joke about it, but I'm scared that since the baby isn't coming yet, that means something is wrong. I don't know, I just feel like I'm in limbo waiting right now."

"He'll come soon, Haley, I promise. And everything is just fine with him, you know? The doctor said – "

"I know!" I exclaim, cutting him off, "I know what the doctor said! 'It's perfectly natural to go up to two or three weeks past your due date', I get that, Nathan, I do. But it doesn't make it any easier to sit around and accept."

"I'm sorry," he sighs, resting his chin on my knee, "I didn't mean to upset you. I don't have to talk to the baby right now. You want to take a walk or something? I know the doctor said that might help induce."

"No," I say, grabbing his arm as he moves to stand, "I'm the one should be sorry. I am sorry, actually. I know you mean well."

He smiles ruefully. "Yeah, but if you don't like it, I don't have to do it. I promise, it won't hurt my feelings."

"Please," I smile quietly, "Please talk to our baby? It's really nice when you do it over the phone, and I think it would be incredible for you to do it now."

He smiles gratefully at me before leaning back down and arranging himself. "Hi little baby, my son. I know you're a boy, I just have a feeling, and like you're going to find out soon, Daddy is always right." He looks up, winking at me.

"Oh, I've already filled the kid on the truth of that matter," I tease him, brushing his hair off his forehead. It's not just nice that he's doing this, it is kind of sexy, too, to see how much he cares, how much he loves this baby.

"Don't listen to your mommy," he instructs the baby, "She's bossy, but she isn't always right. Don't tell her I said that, though." I roll my eyes at him, pretending to pout. "But she's still the smartest person I know," he continues, "And she's going to be the best mommy in the world. When I mess up, she's going to be there to fix and make it okay, even though it isn't her job to do so."

His words are so sweet I'm afraid I'm going to start crying. "Maybe you won't need me to clean up for you," I tell him softly, "Maybe you'll fix things on your own. I know you can."

"Yeah, maybe I can. Or maybe I'll just continue to be so perfect," he winks, "That'll I never make a mistake to begin with."

"Oh, I'm not holding my breath," I laugh, grimacing when I feel another little twinge. God, if his talking to the baby thing works, and I have it today, I am never going to hear the end of it.

"What? What's wrong?" he asks worriedly.

"No, nothing. Just a – well, twinge, I guess. I had one earlier, too, but I also had one last week, so I don't think it means anything," I sigh.

"He's gonna come, Haley J, I promise. Any day now, okay?"

I nod. "I know, and it won't be a second too soon, I'll tell you that right now." He laughs with me. "I'm serious, Nathan, look how huge I am! This is starting to get ridiculous!"

"You look gorgeous," he says seriously, "I mean it, all glowy and stuff. It's really nice. Maybe I'll have to knock you up again soon."

"Nathan!" I exclaim, smacking his arm, "You better be completely, one hundred percent joking about that!"

He holds his hands up in mock surrender. "Just kidding, I promise. We can wait six or so months, give you a chance to recuperate," he winks.

"Brat," I mutter, laughing with him. I gasp, louder this time, when I feel another twinge. "Oh, my God, Nathan, that one was stronger."

"Do you – do you think this is it?" he grins, excited, "Because this is so perfect! I am the man!"

"I don't know," I mutter as he helps me to my feet, "Go – go get Karen. Maybe she'll know! Or your mom."

His face grows cloudy at the mention of his mom, and I know he's still angry with her for getting mad at me for deciding to move to Seattle. He nods, though, and heads out of the room to find them. I walk into the kitchen, thinking that while I wait, I might as well get a snack.

I'm rummaging through the cupboards looking for something that could possibly manage to be both salty and sweet when my water breaks. Right in the kitchen. It's funny, but even though I knew what to expect, I sort of expected – I don't know, more. It's kind of disappointing.

Luckily, Karen has some chocolate covered pretzels on hand, so I get my salty sweet wish. This day really does keep getting better and better. Nathan comes home, my water breaks, and quite possibly best of all, I have chocolate covered pretzels to nosh on. Awesome.

He comes running back in, Karen behind him with everyone else behind her. "God, Nathan, you said she was like, in labor or something," Brooke bitches, "She looks pretty pregnant to me still!"

Nathan stares at me, confused. "But I thought you had a twinge?" he asks, rubbing a hand over his face.

"I did," I say cheerfully, "A couple of them. And then my water broke. And I found chocolate pretzels. How awesome is that?"

Everyone just kind of stares at me. Tim and Luke both look perplexed, Brooke looks a little grossed out, Karen and Deb are smiling widely, and Dan and Keith look like they want to run for the hills. Nathan just gapes at me.

"Does that mean now?" he whispers, stepping closer to me. I nod, reaching out to take his hand.

"Soon, I guess. I mean, all the books say it can take a really long time after your water breaks," I explain. Karen and Deb nod in agreement.

"Twenty-one hours with Lucas," Karen points out, "But only five with Eric. It just depends, really."

"Twenty-nine with Nathan," Deb sighs, shuddering at the memory.

I shiver a little involuntarily. Like now is really the time to get me thinking about the horrors of labor. Nathan steps closer, wrapping his arms around me.

"Um, you're going to have the baby," Tim states, "Shouldn't you go to the hospital? This isn't 'Little House on the Prairie', is it? Because I'm not tearing up sheets or boiling water or cutting umbilical cords."

Everyone looks at him, transfixed by the things that come out of his mouth. Brooke, having been exposed to it more than anyone else, snaps out of it first, smacking him on the back of the head.

"Geez, Tim, I knew you were odd, but that just confirms it. Anyways, what can we do for you, Tutor Girl?"

I shake my head. "Nothing, I don't think. I mean, I feel good, and nothing is really happening yet. I guess we wait?"

Nathan grabs the bag of pretzels from me, and grabs my hand. "No way, we're going to the hospital. I don't care if it's embarrassing, and they send us home, we're getting you checked out." He starts pulling me towards the door as everyone stands there trying to keep the smiles off their faces. "Come on, Haley J, move it."

"Nathan, the baby isn't coming right this second," I reason, trying to get him to slow down, "I don't really see a point of rushing off the hospital right now."

"Haley, what's my motto?" he asks, still tugging me along with him.

"Uh, shoot first and ask questions later?"

"Ha, funny. I never should've told you that," he sighs, "But it's really better safe than sorry. I want to be safe with you and this baby. That means taking no chances. Look, you're a week past due, and it wouldn't hurt – "

"Okay," I agree, speeding up to keep pace with him, "You're right."

"I'm….right?" he asks, confused, "I mean, yeah, I'm right. And it's about time you realized that."

I laugh. I don't really see the need to race to the hospital, but if it is this important and he feels this strongly about it, then it isn't a big deal for me to play along. "Don't let it go to your head. This may be the only time you get that admission out of me."

He smiles a little, opening the car door. "Okay, let's go. Where's your hospital bag? You have a hospital bag, right? Oh, God, Haley, I don't even know what's going on? I never should've been away, I should've been here with you so I knew what was going on."

"Nathan," I laugh, putting a hand on his arm, "Its okay. Everything is going to be just fine. Calm down, okay?" He nods, taking a deep breath. "Look, my bag is over at Brooke's house, where I live. So, we'll just stop there, and throw it in the car."

He nods, relaxing some as he helps me in. He actually buckles my seat belt for me. I look at him funny, but he ignores it, and once he has me settled, runs around and jumps in.

"Please don't drive like a maniac," I implore him, laughing, "I'm serious, Nathan! We need to get there in one piece, not as soon as possible, okay?"

"Okay, we'll go the speed limit. Or close to it." I roll my eyes. "Haley, I know you think it's dumb to rush to the hospital, and I know you're just humoring me, but come on. This is important."

"I know, Nathan. But this is just giving birth. It's going to be okay. How many women go through this every year? A lot. I'll be fine, the baby will be fine."

"Yeah, everything will be great," he smiles.

"Oh, my God," I scream, panting through the pain, "Get this kid out of me! I mean it, it has been forever, and I'm done. Done!"

"Just a little longer, Haley," the doctor comments. If Brooke and Karen weren't holding my legs, I would so kick him right now. Nathan smirks at me, knowing what I'm thinking.

"It kinda hurts, though," I whine, "This needs to be done soon, I'm tired!"

"We know, Haley," Karen says, smiling reassuringly, "And you're doing a great job, honey. Really, really great."

"She's right, baby, you're doing so wonderful," Nathan whispers into my ear. I grip his hand tighter in response, and manage to smile up at him.

I've been in labor for twenty-two hours now. The longest day of my life. When we first arrived at the hospital, they sent us home immediately, and said to come back when the contractions, which were mostly just the twinges at first, started coming closer together. We came back five hours after that, and I've been here ever since.

"Okay, Haley," the doctor says, "We can see the head. The baby is crowning! So, let's get you pushing next contraction, okay?"

I nod, taking a deep breath to prepare myself. When the contraction hits, I bear down, pushing with all my might.

"You're doing great, Haley!" Karen cheers. Brooke has been mostly quiet, and I think she's a little grossed out by everything, which I would laugh about if I wasn't pushing.

"Come on, one more big push!" the doctor encourages, "Push, Haley, push!"

I do, and when it's over, I allow myself to collapse against Nathan as the doctor prepares the baby.

"It's a girl," the doctor announces, and the nurse places her on my chest. Nathan squeezes me tight, "Mr. Scott, if you'd like to cut the cord, we're ready for you now."

He presses a kiss to my forehead before moving down to cut the cord. I lay back, weary, my eyes never leaving the face of our daughter.

"Finally," Karen laughs, "A girl in this family. Can we go tell everyone?"

"Yeah, please, go," Nathan grins, staring at our daughter in awe. He smiles at me briefly before turning his attention back to her. "We have a daughter. I wanted a daughter," he admits in a whisper.

"You wanted a daughter?" I ask, confused, as the nurse takes the baby to clean her up, "But you kept saying over and over you thought it was a boy, so I figured that's what you wanted."

"No, I just didn't want to get my hopes up for a girl, and I didn't wanted to be disappointed if it wasn't."

"Why'd you want a girl?" I ask him, both of our attention still on the baby as she's getting cleaned and diapered and put into the little cap and onesie they have for the newborns.

"I knew she'd grow up to be like you," he explains, serious. "I thought that would be a really good thing for her. I couldn't want more."

"You know, you've cursed her now," I tease tiredly, "She's going to be a Scott through and through. Just like your dad and I decided."

"You decided that with Dad?"

"Yeah, yesterday, at the party. We decided that only a true Scott would stay in a week past their due date. I thought it was going to be a male Scott, though."

He laughs a little, his eyes lighting up as the nurse returns the baby to us, placing her in Nathan's arms. He looks a little scared, which is sweet, but he relaxes quickly, and leans down so that I can see her, too.

"She's beautiful," he sighs, "Look at her. She's tiny, for a baby that's been in there so long. What does she weigh?"

"Nine pounds eight ounces," the nurse answers, smiling, "That's a pretty big baby these days."

"Big," he echoes, "But she's light."

I laugh and the nurse winks at me over his head, "Nathan, nine and a half pounds is pretty big when it has to come out – "

"Yeah, yeah, I get the picture. We get the picture, don't we?" he asks the baby, grinning at her. I could stay in this moment with these two forever, I realize suddenly. It's weird, but in this moment, everything crystallized for me. These are the people I belong with, and any doubts about moving are erased. I have to be with these two, forever.

"Can we come in?" Brooke asks from the door, "I mean, only if you're all cleaned up and everything."

Nathan looks at me, and I nod. "Yeah, you can come in."

And they all do. Brooke, Luke, Tim, Karen, Keith, Eric, Deb, and Dan. They all crowd around the bed, trying to get a good look at the newest addition to the family.

"She's so beautiful," Brooke smiles, wiping tears out of her eyes, "Oh, my God, I can't believe I'm crying over a baby!"

Luke grins at her and puts an arm around her shoulder. "Well, it isn't every day that we become aunts and uncles, now is it?"

"No, I guess not. Look at how tiny her hand is!" she gushes.

I'm so tired still, that I really don't participate much in the conversations buzzing around me. Instead, I just lay back and enjoy listening to everyone say how gorgeous my daughter is. There's something really sweet in this moment.

"What will you name her?" Deb asks, the first thing she's said since she's been in the room. I don't know if she's still upset that I'm moving with the baby, or if she's just overwhelmed that she's a grandmother, but she's been so quiet it makes me a little nervous.

"We haven't decided," Nathan tells everyone, which leads to name after name being thrown out for consideration. "You know, I'm convinced she is only here now because I told her she had to come when I was in town. She's already Daddy's little girl." Everyone in the room groans and roll their eyes at him.

"Well, we know the latter part of that is true," Luke points out, "That kid is going to have you jumping through hoops for her."

"Okay," says a nurse from the doorway, "It's time for everyone to get out and let mom and baby sleep for awhile."

"Me too?" asks Nathan, disappointed.

"Everyone except you," she clarifies, smiling.

"Thanks," he grins as everyone else says goodbye and shuffles out of the room. "So, I guess we need a name for that one," he says, motioning to the bed they've put her in.

"Yeah, I hear that's a good idea," I agree, smiling, "Do you have any suggestions?"

"I don't know, I was so convinced it'd be a boy that I didn't really think about it too much. It should be special, though, not something common that a lot of girls have."

"I like that idea," I agree, "What about Cadence? Cady for short?"

"No," he vetoes, "What about Dakota?"

"Too popular these days. Devon?"

"I kind of like that one. Here, I'll write ones we like down." He pulls out a piece of paper and a pen. "What else?"

"Estella?" I suggest, mentally going in alphabetical order, just trying to throw out suggestions.

"I don't know if I like that one," he sighs, "What about Adella?" I frown at the suggestion. "Okay, not that one. Who knew this would be so hard?"

"We'll get it right," I assure him, "I know we will. And then we'll end up with the perfect name for our perfect baby that she will probably hate when she's a hell raising teenager."

"Yeah, can't wait for that," he mutters sarcastically, "What about Genevive or Hope or Holly?"

"Genevive, maybe. Hope is too, I don't know, contrived or something, you know what I mean?" He nods. "What about Janae?"

"Sounds like the name of some girly girl who is afraid of dirt and only likes shopping and talking on the phone."

"So that's a no," I smile. "Jenna?"

"Too much like Jennifer," he points out, "And that's about the most common name there is out there. What about Jolene?"

"Isn't there a song out there about a Jolene? And she's like, a husband stealer or something?"

"I don't know," he laughs, "Sounds kinda lame, though."

"I think it's a country song."

"I rest my case," he announces smugly.

"You're very narrow-minded sometimes," I admonish, shaking my head at him, "It's a good thing you're cute enough to make up for it."

"Yeah, well, not everyone can be as perfect as me. So, what about Kamilla?"

"Eh. And you keep saying you're perfect, but where's the evidence of that? I still haven't seen any." He takes his eyes off the baby for a second to glare at me. "What about Kyra?" I ask.

"Kyra, Kyra, I kind of like that. Kyra," he says again, testing it out. He gently lays a finger on her cheek. "Are you a Kyra?"

"Oh! Or Lola, what about Lola?"

"Lola? And Jolene, which you think might've been a name in a song but aren't sure, isn't good enough, but Lola, which even I know was a name in a song, is? I don't think so."

"It was just a suggestion, calm down. It's a cute name."

"Cute isn't what you want in a name, is it?" he sighs. "We should've done this earlier," he points out.

"Hindsight is always 20/20."

"Yeah. Well, what about Meredith?"

"Meredith? That's pretty."

"Yeah, and we could call her Mere or Merry for short. I like that name."

"Okay, write it down." He looks disappointed that we aren't going with it, but it's kind of fun to torture him by not giving in right away. I do love that name, though, and I don't see us coming up with anything better. "What about Ryan? I know it's usually a boy name, but it's pretty as a girl's name, don't you think?"

"I guess it isn't horrible," he pouts, "I still like Meredith better. She likes it, too. She moves her mouth when I say it."

"She's probably hungry," I tell him, "Maybe I could, um, try feeding her now. God, I hope it doesn't hurt."

"You want me to hand her to you?" I nod. He lifts her out of the bassinet and hands her to me, helping me to arrange her. "She's so gorgeous, Haley J."

"Yeah, she is," I agree as she begins to nurse. It's an odd sensation, and I'm not really sure if I like it at all, but she's sucking away so furiously that I'm not about to complain.

"What about Regan?" he suggests.

"I like it, but I really do like Meredith better. Now we just need a middle name." He smiles hugely at me, leaning over to kiss my cheek.

"How about Ryan?" he asks. I grin back at him.

"Really? I know you hated it."

"No, I only hated it as a first name, but Meredith Ryan, that doesn't sound bad at all."

"Meredith Ryan Scott," I grin, trying out her full name for the first time, "Meredith Ryan Scott. I love the sound of that."

"Me, too," he agrees.

"You got everything?" Luke asks, glancing around the room. Everything is packed and in boxes for the movers to take or packed in the suitcases that will be flying to Seattle with Mere and I.

"I think so," I say tiredly. All the emotions that I'm going through right now are kind of overwhelming. I'm sad and scared about leaving, but I'm excited and happy to begin life with Nathan and Mere in Seattle.

"I can't believe your plane leaves in less than three hours. Hell, we need to get going to the airport in about five minutes."

"I know. And I can't believe it either. Pretty strange, huh?"

"In a good way, I think," he smiles, "I mean, not that you're leaving, but that you and Merry will be with Nathan. I know that will make all of you really happy, and that's what is important."

"Thanks, Lucas, that means a lot to me that you would say that. I really appreciate it."

"Well, it's true. I'm really going to miss you all, though."

"We'll be here during the off-season," I remind him, "I know it isn't the longest off-season in the world, but we'll be here for it, all three of us. And Mere and I are going to visit a lot during Nathan's long road trips. I want her to know everyone I love as well as I do, and how else can I do that beside bringing her here?"

"You got me," he grins, "And you better hold true to that, because if you don't, I will hunt you down and bring you back myself. That's a promise."

"Thanks, Luke. For everything. You've always been a great friend, even when I didn't want to let you be one."

"Hey, ditto." Deb and Dan are in the doorway. "I'll take these last few bags out to the car," Luke says, smiling at them as he leaves.

"So, this is it," Dan smiles, "We decided it'd be easier to say goodbye here since we won't be able to go to the gate with you anyways. It'll be better this way."

I hand Mere to him, and he and Deb both coo and fawn over her, which you can already tell the little attention hog loves.

"If there is ever anything – anything – that any of you need, please let us know," Deb tells me as she lifts Mere into her arms.

"Thanks, that means a lot to me, and I know it means a whole lot to Nathan."

"Well, the three of you mean the world to us, and we're always here for anything that you need. If you need a babysitter, we'd be on the next plane to Seattle," Dan grins.

I laugh with Deb. "I'll keep that in mind. Nathan is already talking about getting a nanny, but since I'm jobless, I think I might stay that way for awhile, and just be a mom. See how that goes."

"I'm sure it'll go great," Deb smiles. Her expression turns wistful as she gazes down at the baby. "Well, I sure am going to miss you both."

"I know, and we'll miss you. But I promise that we are going to visit all the time, and you are both welcome as often as you can make it."

"We'll take you up on that," Dan agrees, "And all of you are welcome to stay with us whenever you need it."

"And we'll take you up on that," I reciprocate, "In fact, next month, Nathan has a week and a half long road trip. I thought that'd be a great time to make our first trip back."

"Good, we'll be looking forward to it," Deb says as they both grin. "Okay, well, we know you have a lot of goodbyes to say, so we're going to go. Call and let us know how things are in Seattle soon, okay?"

"Yeah, I absolutely will. Thank you for everything you've done over the years. You both have been really great to me."

"And you've been great to our son, so it was the least we could do."

I brush a few tears away after they leave, having kissed and hugged Mere sufficiently before handing her back to me. "Well, kid, it only gets harder from here."

To prove me right, Karen, Keith, and Eric step inside next. "Well, hi y'all," I try and grin, going for cheerfulness, but failing miserably. "It's funny," I say to Karen, "I knew all along how hard this would be, but it's even worse. Go figure, huh?"

"I want to hold the baby," Eric announces, "But only if she's not stinky this time." I laugh with Karen and Keith as he settles himself on the couch holding his arms out for her. I pass her to Keith, who sits with Eric, making sure he's got a good grip on Mere.

"I'm going to miss that," Karen sighs, watching the two of them, "I feel like she's my granddaughter, too."

"She is," I tell her, "In every single way that matters, you are a mother to me, and she's a granddaughter to you. I will tell her every day about 'Grandma Karen' and 'Grandpa Keith'. She'll love and appreciate you both as much as I do."

"Thank you, Haley," Karen sniffles, pulling me into a hug. "You have always been like a daughter to me, and it honors me more than you'll ever know that you think of me as a mother."

She steps away from me, and lifts Mere into her arms. "I love you, little girl, just as much as I love your mommy. And that is a whole lot."

Keith puts one arm around me and the other around Karen. "We all love you both a whole lot."

"Are you really leaving, Hales?" Eric asks from his spot on the couch. He looks so earnest and sad that my heart about breaks. Leaving him hurts as much as anyone.

"Yeah, I'm really leaving, kiddo. I'm going to go live with Nathan in Seattle."

"And Mere, too?" he asks, pouting.

"Yeah, Mere, too."

"I don't want you to go, though. I want you to stay."

"I know, sweetie, and I'm going to miss you so much every day. But you know what? Me and Mere and Nathan will visit you lots, and maybe you can talk your mom and dad to visiting us, too."

"Okay," he sighs loudly. I sit down beside him and hug him, trying not to cry. We've been such a big part of each other's lives since he was born, and I'm really going to miss this kid. Everything I learned about babies I learned from him.

"Okay," I agree, "It'll all be okay."

He nods. I stand up, and give Keith a hug. "I'm going to miss you," he tells me, "But I know you're going to be so great in Seattle. And I know you are going to be an even greater mom, and someday wife."

"Thanks, Keith, that means the world to me."

"I hope your family makes you as happy as you've made mine," he says, kissing my forehead. He kisses Mere again before taking Eric by the hand and leading him out of the room.

Karen sets Mere in the baby carrier and turns to me. "Well, I guess this is it."

"I can't believe I'm not going to see you all the time," I sniffle, on the verge of full-out tears.

"I'm always a phone call away, Haley," she says, and I can tell she's nearing tears, too. She pulls me into a hug, and I cling tightly to her, wishing fervently that she really was my mother, but I guess it doesn't matter since she in all the ways that count.

"I love you, Karen."

"I love you, too." She pulls away. "I think Brooke, Tim, and Luke are ready to drive you now."

I nod. "Yeah, I guess we should go." I wipe the tears that had escaped off my cheeks. "I can't believe I'm leaving here. I'm kind of scared now."

"Don't be, you're going to be fine. You will all be fine. Just stick with what you believe in, Haley."

"Thank you."

She nods, picking up the baby carrier for me, and taking her to the car. I look around the house one last time. I'm really going to miss this place; some of my best memories over the last five years have been created here. I grab the diaper and my big purse, and follow her out the door. Deb and Dan have already left, but Karen, Keith, and Eric are standing on the porch, and I hug each of them on my way by.

The three that will be the hardest to say goodbye to are all standing against the car, waiting for us. Brooke has a pair of dark sunglasses on, and I know she's just trying to hide the tears. Tim and Luke both look like they could use a pair. For the first time since I made decision to leave Tree Hill for Nathan, I almost, but not quite, question my decision. It's just very hard to leave these people, to leave my family.

We get into Luke's big SUV silently, none of us really able to formulate words right now. Once we get to the airport, we get out just as silently.

Brooke carries Mere and the rest of us grab bags as we make our way to check in. "I can't believe you're leaving," Tim says for about the fifteen hundredth time today.

"I know," I sigh, "Sometimes I can't either."

We go through the line, and the necessary bags get checked. We stand in a circle, no one really wanting to be the first to say goodbye. Luke clears his throat.

"Okay, I've known you the longest, so I'll say goodbye first." I nod and follow him a slight way away from the group. "God, Hales, you're my best friend. You know that. Look, this isn't forever, and I know I'm going to see you tons, so I won't make a big deal out of it. Just know that I'll always be your best friend, and that at most, I'm a phone call away."

"Thanks, Luke. I love you, too. And ditto on that phone call thing. If you ever need me, I'll be here."

"I know." He hugs me one last time and goes over, taking Mere from Tim who comes over next.

"So this is it, I guess."

"For now," I shrug, "Not forever, though. I'll be around. You'll be wishing I'd just stay in Seattle I'll be here so often."

"Never," he grins, pulling me into a hug. "I'm really going to miss you, James. I've learned a lot from you and because of you."

"Hey, same here. You're so wonderful, Tim, and I hope you never forget that. Don't let people think you aren't smart, because I know you are."

"Yeah, I'll do my best," he smiles. "Okay, Brooke's turn. You two going to be okay?"

"Yeah, we'll be fine." I don't know for sure, though. She's been a good friend, but I know she resents that I'm leaving. He nods, and walks over to Lucas while Brooke comes over here.

"I'm sorry I've been a bitch lately," she mumbles, "I know I could've been more supportive, and I could've helped you pack and stuff. I should've, actually."

"No, you didn't have to," I assure her, "I understand."

"No, you don't. You and Tim are the only real friends I've ever had who didn't screw me over some way. And I guess a part of me always figured you would at some point, and so I decided to make this that point. Which isn't fair to anyone, and I should've known better. I guess everything isn't always about me, is it?"

"That's the rumor on the street," I laugh, hugging her tight. I don't care about the tears falling down my face right now.

"I'm really going to miss you. But I know this isn't really goodbye, just so long. So, so long." She smiles widely through the tears, and I do the same for her.

"I might miss you most of all," I tell her quietly, "You are the best, Tigger. I – these last years, they would've been impossible without you. I couldn't have done it. I'm only here because of you. Just know that."

She nods. "Thank you for that."

"Anytime," I agree, and we hug again as Tim and Luke join us.

"So, you'd better get going, Hales," Luke states flatly. I nod, hugging Tim and then Brooke, and then Luke once Brooke has taken Mere from him.

"God, you guys, I know I'll see y'all soon, but I'm really going to miss you all," I say as Brooke puts Mere in her seat. "I can't believe I won't see you whenever I want."

"Yeah, but you'll see us all soon," Tim reminds me.

"I know. I will. I'll call when we get there."

"Good, you better. And you better get your ass out here soon and see us. Nathan has all that money now, you damn well better make the most of it," Brooke commands.

Luke laughs, nodding his head. "I agree with my ex-wife," he says, winking at her. Maybe those two really will be okay as friends. "Get back here soon, Hales."

"Be good," Tim smirks.

I nod, slinging the diaper bag over my shoulder, and bend down to pick up Mere. I back away from them, smiling one last time before resolutely turning my back and heading for the gate. I don't look back – there is no reason to.

My whole life is in front of me now. Mere, Nathan, they are my future, and I'm ready for it. For them. And I'm happy, I know I am. It has taken so long for me to get to a place where everything has really fallen into place, but here I am.

The plane ride passes quickly. Mere is fussy at first, but once she settles down, I manage to fall asleep, something I've been short on lately. The next thing I know, the fasten seatbelt like dings on, and the pilot is telling us to buckle up for the landing.

"We're almost here, Mere." I glance out the window, transfixed by the bright blue sky that looks just like it does in North Carolina. The landscape below it looks different, but the similarity in the color of the sky – something as simple as that – is reassuring. "You get to see Daddy now."

Nathan is waiting there for us. He has the biggest smile on his face, and I can tell he isn't sure which of us to hug first, so he puts his arms around me and the carrier that Mere is squawking to be let out of.

"I missed you," he whispers into my ear.

"It's only been three weeks," I remind him.

"Feels like forever. Look how big she's getting."

"Yeah, she's really growing. More every day. I'm so glad you'll get to see it now. I know it's been hard on you, Nate. Thanks for giving me time to get things together and say goodbye to everyone."

"Hey, speaking of, how are you? I know leaving was hard, are you okay?"

"I'm just really happy to be here with you," I tell him honestly, "It's going to take a little getting used to, being here, I mean, but this is where I'm supposed to be, and I'm glad I am. I love you, Nathan. You and Mere, you're my family."

"And you're mine. God, this is a beautiful baby. Like her mommy."

"Stop," I laugh, "You're making me blush. But she is beautiful, isn't she?" And I don't think we're being too proud parent to think so. She's got gorgeous dark hair, bright blue eyes that are actually closer in shade to Lucas's, and adorable chubby cheeks. She's beautiful.

"Was it hard to leave?" he asks quietly as he carries Mere and the bags and we head towards baggage claim.

"Yeah, but in some ways, it wasn't as bad as I thought it would be."

"You were supposed to say how awful it was," he grumbles. I look at him questioningly. "So I could've pointed out that was how I felt when I had to leave you to go to college."

I lay a hand on his arm. "I always knew how hard that was for you. I think I understand it more now than ever, though. When you left, Luke, Peyton, and Jake were all leaving, too, and I felt like I was being left behind. And while I knew, rationally, that you hated leaving me, I was still more focused on how I felt. Now, I know how Brooke and Tim and Luke are feeling. That's the worst part of it."

"I'm sorry," he sighs.

"No, don't be, Nathan. This is life. I mean, you can't please everyone, right? And you know what? They will all be okay. We were growing up, anyways. Tim has an awesome job, Brooke is about to graduate. Luke is taking classes. They'll all be great."

"I know, but I know you worry about them."

"Yeah, and they worry about me. And I worry about you. And your parents worry about you. But you can't always worry about who is worrying about you, right?"

"Right. Well, you ready to go home?"

"Yeah, I'm more than ready to go to our home." I laugh a little. "I've wanted to share a home with you since we were sophomores in high school. It's kind of funny that it took us so long to get here, isn't it?"

"Funny? Not really," he grins, "It's been frustrating and long and depressing, but I don't think I'd use funny."

"What about rewarding?" I ask.

"More than rewarding," he smiles, "I got what I wanted in the long run, and even though a good portion of the journey sucked for me, it is all worth it."

"That's how I feel, too."

"I love you, Haley J."

"I love you, too, Nathan."


End file.
